₦airaland Forum

Yigiyaga:
Thats the problem! The men are there in sufficient numbers but wont marry because they are already being over serviced.
Nb: It's was clearly stated as a personal opinion

Everyone has got the right to hold an opinion, no matter how liberal, conservative, reactionary, hollow, vile, etc. it may be. What is self-evident is that opinions are not cast in stone, and are expected to undergo transformation when encounter superior argument. Plus, when opinions are shared/expressed publicly, they lose their "personal" characteristics and it behooves on the individual to be open-minded and objective in receiving harsh but truthful comments. So, my friend, you can't hide under the veneer of 'personal" opinion to make transparently biased and emotionally tainted comment.

However, as I clearly stated in my previous post, what you flippantly dabbled into is a societal issue which has assumed a threat of epic proportion. This so because marriage is at the centre of human civilization and progress. It is utterly disingenuous to single out and blame one gender alone. It beats my imagination that you believe ladies are solely responsible for the growing number of men who are of age but do not possess the financial wherewithal for marriage. I have listed three main points I think are the prime reasons for this challenge some men are grappling with today.

Derea:
You have great wisdom.

I'll give an example of my sister who got married at age 26. After giving birth to her first child, she travelled alone to the U.S. She came back to Nigeria before the expiration of her visa. Then she travelled again, but this time, and unknown to her husband, she had other plans- to live in the U.S as an illegal immigrant.

When she left, she was pregnant.

In my opinion, she had it all planned out. My question always has been: what kind of wife and mother gives up husband and child for a better life in a developed country. Her son was traumatized for the first few years she left, he was barely 2 at the time, but thankfully, 6 years later, he's grown out of it, plus she keeps in touch and ensures he doesn't lack a thing.

However, she and her husband have since broken up and she couldn't possibly care less.

Though I staunchly condemn my sister's methods, I should not blame her entirely unless I want to be sentimental. The same society that condemns her for what she did is the same that would shame her if she wasn't married as I'm typing this.

What if that was her only chance at marriage and having children? In my opinion, my sister played smart and life favors only smart people while the rest of us are shamed for being innocent and naive.

These past but recent experiences have taught me that it's better to have been married than not to be married at all. A friend recently called, we hadn't spoken in a looong while. When he realized I wasn't married, he exclaimed, "a pretty girl like you! Are you sure you're not the problem?". Imagine!

In spite of my sister's shortcomings and failed marriage, my mum still rates her far better than I because of her achievements like children and some money. While, I, on the other hand, a "failure".

Mum will often tell me how I'm no longer beautiful. She would tactically tell me how other people think so too.

For example, on this particular day, I went to her office briefly. On getting home that night, she told me about how her colleagues marvelled at my looks. But that one of them, who also happens to be my mum's close friend told the others that, "ah it's because you didn't know her before now. If you did, you wouldn't say she is beautiful".

Mum sometimes tells me how she's never happy seeing me around. She's ashamed, I guess, having an older, unmarried woman in her house.

Wouldn't blame her though, most nigerian mothers are seriously traditional. Even worse, I'm not working, though I try not to eat her food. I feed from my little savings, while my dad funds my professional exams.

This is just to make a simple but relevant point that contrary to what Op thinks, any woman who is desperate to get married will get married.

Thanks for the compliment. Note that you equally exude intelligence, wisdom, and knowledge.

I have to read your post two times to ensure I properly thoroughly digest its contents. While reading, a legion of thoughts competed for prominence in a matter I designate as personal, and which I am not supposed to explicate on. As it were, I notice that you adjudged your sister's action as appropriate, due to the nature of its outcome -- even though you couldn't hide your reservations. One basic attribute of desperados is that they rarely care about what people say, neither do they aligning their objective in accordance of the moral code of their society. Who are we to judge them, especially when they become successful?

However, I felt bad reading your challenge and concern, which are not uncommon with every man and woman of marriageable age. But it is obvious that women bear most of the pressure than men. The difference is the disposition of our families; how they view and treat us and the extent of the support they provide. Family should endeavour to assist and encourage, not shame, stigmatise, and demean.

So, please cheer up. You have a whole lot ahead of you.

Nairaland has become a space where anyone makes high-sounding, fact-deficient statement without a corresponding empirical evidence to support their claim. Yes, a lot of unmarried ladies (the same is applicable to unmarried men) litter the length and breadth of Nigeria, but mere "availability" -- and, of course, desperation, a term clearly evident in your post, but not stated, can't hardly be the reasons. In most cases, "desperate" ladies who have set marriage as a goal, almost always achieve their objective more than carefree, happy-go-lucky ones who have led themselves up to a blind alley. Note that not marrying not at all -- or even late marriage -- is a social problem to any society.

Again, your post does not respect the geographical and cultural differences that shape and define Nigeria. The social problem you raised does not exist in the north, has a fairly poor showing in the west, but widespread in the east. I will make my case for eastern Nigeria, and I have three reasons.

First, we have a weak, gloom, and hard economy that has contracted the possibility of men getting jobs, and a government policy that has failed to stimulate entrepreneurship. So many men are unmarried because they simply because can't afford it.

Second, if you check the number of people who are victims of natural disasters, violent crimes, those imprisoned, you will discover that men have a highly disproportionate figure than women. These men are supposed to be people's husband in the future.

Third, we have a trend today that views marriage as an insignificantly needless imprisonment, but nonetheless accepts child bearing as a major/only reason for male-female relationship. A lot people have refused to get married because they can easily make babies without accepting the commitment that goes with marriage.

What an awful researcher you are! Your poor language of communication can discourage grammar-savvy readers from reading your post. However, I agree with your first hypothesis that natural disasters, wars, etc have a way of stifling masculinity and elevate feminity. I will cite a well-known example.

During the Nigerian/Biafran Civil War -- 1967-1970 -- roles were abruptly swapped and women became the bread winners of most families in Igbo land. Note that a lot of men were conscripted, but even those who weren't in the army discovered to their dismay the inability to feed their families. New terms developed to describe to the prevailing ethos of the war period: "Ahia Attack" (a name given to the means of exchange that took place deep into the enemy lines during the war) and "Yakambaya" (a term used to explain the brief sexual relationship between Nigerian soldiers and Igbo women, who were left to cater for their families).

My late aunt -- God bless her soul -- participated in "Ahia Attack" and used the gains made from the highly dangerous and risky trade to sustain their family, while my father, her younger brother, was at the battle front fighting for Biafra. This story is similar to what occurred in almost all families.

Apart from this example cited, women have an edge over men due to the appealling nature and power of feminity, which majority of men cannot resist, especially when she is ready to trade it for an expected reward or gain.

There has been a surfeit of accusations and counter-accusations on this tread by people who share some basic characteristics, but immensely separated by history and geography. Again, there is an annoying objective to elevate blame game syndrome to an art form by both parties, in an inevitably futile desire to appear sensible and clever.

Nobody denies that African-Americans have their root in Africa. However, the bone of contention is the reason behind the appaling state of Africa and African-Americans. Both camps are seemingly prepared to go to any length, no matter how inane and base. But that is a major similar they both share and are unwilling to accept.

African-Americans, just like Africans, have suffered system and systemic discrimination, beginning with their arrival as slaves, to the unjust, inhuman implementation of the infamous Jiw Crow laws, to other forms of glass ceilings that upbended and distorted black families and culture. The same could be said of Africa and Africans, where colonialism created split personalities and turn coats, arrested and stagnated burgeoning indigenous development, etc.

Nevertheless, these gory and scarred histories are not major reason for confusion and lack of self-awareness and recognition revaging these societies. For example, Africa isn't the only continent colonised, neither does African-Americans the only demography to suffer alienation and discrimination. So, we should refrain from blaming anyone for our inability to solve our problems and build prosperous future for the next generation. The blackman, anywhere he is in the world, does not and can never accept blame for his shortcomings and transgressions. Instead, he almost always elects to blame external entities with a view to exonerate himself.

These arguments allow me to draw correlation and connection to the senseless, depraved, gruesome, and extra-judicial killings of Africans by black South Africans, in what has been criminally christened as "xenophobia."

I think it is plausible at this juncture to add to my earlier position on this tread. This is more compelling to me in regard of the pleasant tiding that the warring parties have finally successfully sealed a truce. In my previous comment, I carefully refrained from blaming any part because I was convinced that immaturity was at the root of their unnecessary but inevitable disagreement. I also stated unequivocally that the objective of this tread was a subtle recrimination based on failed expectations brilliantly couched as a product of hypothetic everyday relationship challenge.

Indeed, I was not surprised when one of the parties elected to offer an apology publicly after receiving an unremitting flaks from mostly ladies who were not only biased, but characteristically chose to substitute reason for emotion. Then I declared that the objective of the tread has been achieved, and compromise/settlement is a matter of minutes rather than hours. I have been proven right.

Was the apology necessary? Was compromise possible even with the sordid but gratuitous revelations? I will answer in the affirmative. With a party already guilty-stricken and another reeling with disgust regarding the swift but unrecognised and unappreciated investment made in the relationship, it isn't a surprise the lovebirds are back together.

What I find interesting and it is also a plus to a party is the ability to bring a lukewarm party to the negotiating table with every means possible and make him cut a deal. How long this deal would last is beyond my understanding, and maybe insignificant. But what is indisputable is that this poster has read a lot of Nicolo Machiavelli's magnum opus, The Prince.

amaniro:
Are you sure you're white?. The articulation of your Grammer ehn it's somehow

Oga Articulation, who told every white person is English or understands English language? Besides, in your overtly hollow and dense sanctimonious postulation, you erroneously goofed in spelling grammar as "grammer," even as you express righteous indignation for the poster's indefensibly error-ridden and ribtickling usage of the language.

Ishilove:
Hahahaha! It is just one flaw: laziness. Distraction in the context used is not a flaw o jare

I stated earlier that differences of perception would be a major issue/challenge between you the readers of your works. You know why? Because it is a value-laden, subjective analysis which is the product of the author's perception of reality. Nevertheless, I don't think it is a unique problem. All writers are faced with such issue. Still, I am not convinced with your explanations.

Feminism is a foreign ideology that needs to be thoroughly carefully domesticated before it can be acceptable and useful to African ethos. Sadly, like all foreign concept and idea, there is a high tendency to misunderstood or abuse its core principles and objectives. The notion of worldwide feminist movement is a myth. Arising from this premise, it becomes obvious that the Nigerian feminists have deep ideologica puzzle to unravel.

Unfortunately, what we tout today as feminism is apparently a half-digested concept, which in many ways reflect the pathetic status of the black race. To be honest, the dominant patriarchal culture in Africa -- which instigated this idea -- needs to undergo reformation in order to liberate women. In this way, no one can completely dismiss the message of feminism as baseless; but it needs to align with realities not emotions.

Even in Europe, feminism is not a monolithic movement. We have different categories of feminism: benign, moderate, and radical. These categories are not clearly defined in Nigeria, hence the inevitability of confusion and ignorance amongst feminists. Until Nigerian feminists state clearly where they belong, misconceptions and mistrust about their ideology will abound.

However, any movement that champions the emancipation of women from obsolete and dehumanising cultural practices -- whatever label it takes -- should be supported and promoted. Then we have the problem of paying allegiance to an ideology, even when we know what its tenents propagate. In this aspect, again, the Nigerian feminists have refused to practice what they preach.

Ishilove:
It is a hobby because i am too lazy and distracted to earn a living out of it.

Man is a product of his society, so when I write, I examine the society from the perspective of a central character. So while society influences man, man also influences the society because of his inherently flawed nature.

Ok. No wahala. Two flaws already dictated: laziness and distraction.

Ishilove:
I do not call myself a writer, good sir, I AM a writer.

The inherent flaws of the human nature, in prose form.

"The inherent flaws of the human nature" sounds like an interesting topic to me. However, the noun "flaws" is susceptible to different interpretations, depending on who is making the assessment. For example, what you consider a red flag, might appear trivial or even inconsequential to another. Nonetheless, this is not a repudiation or denial of flaws in human nature, a pathologically flawed creature. So, I am very keen to know what these flaws are and you tackle them in your write-up. Do you earn a living from writing? Or is it just a hobby to you?

Ishilove:
Heh. I am a writer and as you well know, writers must master their language of expression.

There's no gulf, mon ami. You and I just have different ways of expressing ourselves.

Fair enough. I am impressed you called yourself a writer. Maybe one of these days I will have to read your works. What topics/issues do you write on/about?

Ishilove:
Yes, fascination. I am sorrounded by atrocious grammar and murdered syntax on every side, which is why when I come upon sentences that follow the rules of English language, I am mesmerised. I almost swoon with joy.

*sob*

Hmm. I knew you were looking for an opportunity to unleash just a little of your rich, well-articulated, and vocabulary-induced prose. You know, writing good grammar is a conscious and learned activity, the main reason a lot of people dread it. On the other hand, your proficient use of English language sent me running to my dictionary this morning. A sad depiction of the gulf between us.

Ishilove:
I vowed that I would only do aproko and leave without commenting, but... I have a weakness for plenty grammar.

Kai!

Haha. A weakness or fascination? I am certain the latter aptly describes you. Anyway my grammar no plenty pass your own.

faithfull18:
Hahaha, funny. You really want to tutor me on the use of punctuation marks There is no hard or fast rule. That statement I made up there can be one sentence, it can also be splitted into two.
As much as sentences should be kept short e simple, that statement up there isn't too long for one sentence. It's a single line of thought for crying out loud so why should I split it into two.

Hmm. I am somewhat impressed with the civility of your language, despite having being called out. However, that you diplomatically deflected my corrections greatly unsettled me. Finally, it is "hard-and-fast rule," not "hard or fast rule." Cheers!

This is one area where emotions will surely trump reason since most Africans act on emotion alone, almost always inability of rational critical thinking. All products of modern civilisation -- disingenuously called globalisation -- flow of the West, and the ethos of the West are dominant culture of the human race today. What is forbidden in the west, is generally taken to be against human rights and humanity. What the west approves, is shoved down the throats of every race, without minding natural relativity disparity.

In the case of bearing western names, a practice started by colonialism and undergirded by Christianity, is one of the last vestiges of colonial rule. And what most Christians don't know is that bearing European name at baptism, does not have Biblical injunction.Take the case of Master Jesus, who was baptised and didn't take a new name. Even if we take the example of Apostle Paul, another firebrand theologist, he didn't take a name that is not related to Hebrew, his language.

It therefore begs the question: why Africans are subjected to bearing European names during baptism, under the guise that they are people distinguished by piety and godliness? There are two reasons for this practice. One, Christian missionaries that proselytised in the mid 19th and early 20th centuries had nothing but blistering contempt for African culture.Therefore, it was "barbaric" to bear African names that are associated with deities and backwardness. It also means that as an African, I am not capable of becoming a saint; hence the need to take a foreign name. Second, the missionaries did all they could to prevent the African from worshipping God in a way that appears natural to him, and somewhat unnatural to the Europeans. You can imagine that drums and other musical instruments indigenous to Africa were declared ungodly and prohibited.

The greatest fraud ever perpetrated on the face of the earth is the belief by some Africans that by bearing European (Arab) names and aping their mannerisms one automatically becomes European. One may not escape bearing these names especially when dependent on our parents, but as adults, it is in our interest to discard these names that do not truly represent our personality. I have discarded mine long time ago.

faithfull18:
Ha, this isn't good at all, all these boys cyberbullying people on NL need to go back to school before they forget the little they know.

There is apparently no difference between you and the "boys" you wish to disparage, given your inability to properly use full stop in your sentence. What you ignorantly contrived to make one sentence, is actually supposed to be two sentences. Again, the lack of respect for proper noun in your unlettered scribble is a conclusive proof that, more than anyone, you seriously need to be in school at the moment. However, note that being in school is not synonymous with learning.

There is an undisguised and huge correlation between the objective of this post and the poster's nascent but ill-fated relationship. In fact, the poster attempted to use this tread as a response to her estranged lover, whom she knew would be viewing this tread. To the poster's credit, her little game plan made a big hit.

I am not remotely surprise by the overt, overwhelming, and unreserved show of support demonstrated by the womenfolk, and the corresponding, unjust, unrestrained, and annoyingly predictable demonisation of the man, over who should foot the transport bill. Note: the decision to make their private issue the staple of the room was collectively inspired. As a detached, disinterested, and dispassionate party, I am convinced that both parties acted in an immature manner.

Who says finance is not significant in relationship? Yet what is more important is the ability to know when to make compromise, and that includes electing to pay the transport bill even if it is the first visit.

Ranchhoddas:
Na him be Deadrat, Redbeans, Livingdead and some other werey monikers?

I don't know if he has more than two monikers. His dubious disposition makes it difficult to vouch for him. Someone exposed him this morning, that was how I got to know he was Deadrat the pathetic scammer.

IamPlato:
abeg Shift. Na People Like You De Do Bad Things Pass

Really? Thank God you were caught in the act and rightfully shamed. But with this new moniker, it seems you are hellbent on taking your nefarious activity to a new height. Dear Nairalanders, take note of this moniker. I find it difficult to understand how a low-life fraudster like you will choose a moniker that is associated with the famous Greek philosopher, Plato. Why not choose a moniker that aligns with your dubious persona like: IamFraudulent.

IamPlato:
See As You De Here De Waste Your Talent. You Are A Good Speaker. Go To Harvard And Deliver Speech To Your Fellow Students on Internet Scamming

Thanks. But desist from scamming unsuspecting nairalanders, Deadrat the unconscionable scammer. Remember that a change of moniker is not synonymous with a change of character. Be warned.

IamPlato:
abeg Shut Up. That Matter Don Die na You Wake Am.

You are so shameless and vile. The fact that the incident took place last year does not mitigate you from being a bumbling, fumbling, unblushing, and amateurish scammer. If I were you, I will hide my head in shame. Asking me to "shut up" shows how long you have being in this dark "trade." And the number of year it took place is inconsequential, especially when you are surprisingly bold and annoyingly combative. With a new moniker, I am afraid who are your new victims. In fact, I am highly embarrassed on your behalf.

IamPlato:
are You Encouragin Me Or Advicing me? I No Understand

How can I support what is evil? I wanted to taunt you a little. Let's not talk further on this issue.

IamPlato:
Are You The He-goat Behind That Moniker?

Mr reprobate Deadrat, sorry for the botched scam attempt. Be circumspect next time.

IamPlato:
O boy Your True Nature Don De Come Out... Call Me A Scammer With Your Real Account

Mr. unapologetic Deadrat. You didn't deny the charge, you only requested the poster to quote you with his/her moniker. I think your demand is very modest and plausible.

It seems like the Scottish proverb first recorded in about 1628 had the poster in mind when it said: "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

PharoahIII:
[color=#006600][/color]



I agree with you, but if the fuhrer chose to believe in the superiority of the Aryan race, should the black man also do the same? Must something be acceptable because the white man did it? Speaking of the Aryan race, it had nothing to do with geographical territory, per se, or one's nationality, but rather the origin of the indo-Iranian/indo-European peoples. Now my question is this: Did the so-called Black British/Black American people not originate from Africa, regardless of the colour of their passports?

So what if an African marries a white woman for visa? Did the whites not take our lands and plundered our resources? Do you know how many 'slaves' they took out of Africa? Read about apartheid in S/Africa, where farmers (white ones of course) have more than 20,000 hectares of land, which is roughly one-eighth the size of Lagos. How did they get the lands? Did they bring the lands from Britain/the Netherlands or wherever they came from? Or haven't you heard of the 1884-1885 Berlin conference where Africa was partitioned amongst the European powers as one would partition pizza? Please let us do away with sentiments. These people have bleeped us many many times over. The largest diamond ever found in the world today (the Cullinan diamond weighing around 600g) where was it found? South Africa. Who owns it? The British Monarchy. How much did they pay for it? Your guess is as good as mine...

Thanks for the history lesson, but visa-for-marrige is a scam and shouldn't under any guise be condoned.

PharoahIII:
[color=#006600][/color]



I get what you're trying to say, sir, but please try to read the op's original post and her subsequent replies to see how many times she's mentioned the word 'visa.' Maybe then you'll have a better understanding of what I'm saying. White people get divorced every day, I have even known white men who haven't slept with their wives for much longer than the op's husband hasn't slept with her, but do they go about saying, 'Oh my husband is not sleeping with me because he married me for papers?' White men cheat on their wives, in fact, they sire children without the knowledge of their wives. But if an African does this, heaven will fall. The instant conclusion would be that he married her for papers.
The op seems somewhat controlling, that is why perhaps she couldn't find a Black British guy to marry her so she settled for someone she can control: an African. After all, it is no hidden secret that Black British people tend to look down on Africans. They feel superior to Africans, they mock our accents. They complain of racism but they are racist towards Africans. That is why they say, 'oh I'm British,' 'I'm American.' And though they be as black as soot, if you call them Africans they take umbrage at it.

Brother, you nearly mar your highly articulated and beautifully written post with faulty generalisation. I agree with all what you wrote, but I think it is unjust to categorise the poster with a "control" stereotype. I tend to see her as an honest woman in need of solution to salvage her faltering marriage. Therefore, it is charitable if we give her the benefit of the doubt, knowing fully well that a lot of our brothers abroad are not the best of ambassadors. Marriage-for-visa is a very common but unpleasant practice of most of
our people. Ironically, they tend to have a compliant and complicit British nationals willing to further this illicit practice.

Still, looking down on people for one reason or the other is not restricted to black people alone. At the root of Hitler's aggression was the unfounded, unscientific, and crude notion of the superiority of the Aryan race. In fact, you will be amazed to realise that what you brilliantly observed between black British citizens and their African brethren is also common with white people.

PharoahIII:
[color=#006600][/color]



Firstly you should know that a vast majority of British people can't spell, even the so-called educated ones. They also do not speak proper English, only very few of them (less than 5% I would say) speak the received pronunciation, and the only way you can do that is to go to a public school, which is prohibitively expensive.

I think we are almost on the same page with this reply of yours. It is the same in all languages; a lot of native speakers struggle to adhere to the grammar and convention of their languages. But I am curious to learn how you generate the "less than 5 percent" statistics. I think the percentage should be higher than that, not because it is English language, but because many people in the Western world demonstrate loyalty to their languages.

Babacele:
True. ...and many folks condemning this beautiful Zulu cuirlture are ignorant of the fact that many Nigerian communities have similar culture where young girlupps and ladies are initiated into womanhood where women walk about literarily unclad to show their purity before going into marriage, and no male folk dare touch them unless you want to bring the community wrath on your family!... look all you can but touch?.. you dare not.
Yes there are Nigerian communities practising this culture till this moment.

Just because it is a South African culture doesn't make it universal in Africa. Besides, support your claim of "culture nudity" in Nigeria with pictorial evidence.

klenton:
why do i have the feeling the op is fake
u said ur a British citizen but your English doesn't look British and the words are mostly incorrect

but if ur real then ur hubbys problem could be that he is gay

Being British doesn't necessarily mean her written English will be flawless and standard. We have a lot of people whose parents are migrants from non English speaking countries, who are nonetheless British citizens. It is clear in the poster's case, she is British by birth or residency, not by culture.

Rextizz:
You want a virgin but your virgina is wider than river Niger, shame on you.

Am a virgin but I will never ever go for a refurbished person like you.

Here goes Nairaland's foremost vulgar "warlord." Why are you so obsessed with this young lady? Why are your comments about her not only lame and infantile but annoyingly predictable? When is this fixation going to end? If this is a demonstration of affection (of course, I think it is given its intensity and reoccurrence), take it from me, you have employed the most unproductive method.

Therefore, a change of strategy is necessary; one that does not draw the attention of prying eyes and poking noses of nairaland members. And believe me, Poco will consent to your request without much ado.