₦airaland Forum

There is a very thin line between sanity and madness and anyone can flip out at some time.
That is when it is left to the other partner to remain calm and to make sure the situation does not escalate
Since the woman does not have a chance if the man gets physical it is wiser to wait for him to calm down. Infact you have to try and calm him down because at that point only sorry makes sence to him- sometimes even sorry does not help!

By the time our kids begin get boyfriend and girlfriend at age 14, na wakadukpe go be my name.


Is this meant to be a joke

Please which part of the country is this taking place?

Being bored is a state of the mind and the great thing about the mind is that you can influence it and steer it.
Decide you have the most exciting marriage and act that way and your marriage will become exciting.

I am married to a rather calm man who does not like much social life and yet I am more the temperamental kind that is always attending one function or the other. Years back it used to make me unhappy that he had no interest but I learnt to attend with my kids where possible. Over the years my husband has started getting more engaged socially and that really makes me happy. I too have reduced my social engagement ( ehhm not really) anyway I have gotten used to the fact that I have to do most of the talking and joking and teasing.
He could spend hours after work on the phone talking to family and that used to get me. it took me years before I found out how to get him drop the phone. Schatz I love you, hugs , kisses and the phone call is ended immediately
The hardest part for a woman is being submissive, especially when the man is getting it wrong. That is hard and you need time to work at it. The fact is that if that aspect is missing you can hardly get to the man because the fronts are hardened... two soldiers on the battle field.
What I am trying to say is that you constantly have to work on a marriage to make it work and to make it happy. Laugh, joke ,tease, flirt. It is not that easy and it takes time. Sometimes you ask yourself if it is worth it but if you remained determined you will get there. You can learn to become loves, friends, family, mother father to another and then you become one heart and one soul.

Anyone becomes your soulmate as soon as you let them into your soul.

Mothers do so because the is a period in the life of a young woman when suitors come and then the suitors reduce and vanish. The longer you wait the lower the standard of suitor you get.

Besides the older girl not marrying is an issue when the younger girl wants to get married.

The more independent you get as a woman the more frightened men get to marry you.

Finally:

20-25 - my husband must be a born again, from my village, rich and, and and

25- 30- so far a christian, so far nigerian, we can build up together.

30plus - so far i answer mrs.

Especially single women

The circle is from the beginning of one period to the beginning of the next period. Then if that is 24 day Ovulation is on the 24 minus 14 = 10th day. You need to research it.

I never studied it intensly because I have a mix of boys and girls.

Try Billings method it works if you have regular intervals.

HFOG:
One man's food is another man's....(complete for me)
Btw, happy Sunday, ma'am.

Happy sunday and a blessed second advent!

This is one of the biggest nightmares any woman dreads. When you are young and rebellious you feel that way but as one gets older and the responsibilities increase, you learn to see things differently and sometimes react differently, you learn how to adjust yourself and have also some other priorities.
I don`t support it but I just have seem too many friends and people I know go that way. Many of the young guess from then now have two three wives and the young girls that where spitting fire then are accommodating it now.

By the way this thread got me thinking again and I asked my Schatz if he would contemplate it since quite a few of his friends have more than one wife now.
He told me he had enough stress with me! And that most of his friends are in hell no because it does not really work out these days.

Still waters run deep, cool guys with innocent faces can be the hardest rocks to jam

It is not about hating but about not appreciating a good thing.
Women that have a bad up bringing and their priorities mixed - up only can be held in check when they get it rough.
Often in life niceness and kindness are mistaken for stupidity. Such women when given a long rope will pull it till the giver of the rope falls flat on the floor.
Even in love there has to be checks and balalnces.
Once you give a woman power without control she will ause it, it is natural.
More so nature just made it that the women are under their husbands, so when as a guy you try to revert the role or be too nice you have to watch out if the woman is the kind tha can appreciate and handle it.

Another strange fact is that as much as women struggle to be emancipated many women actually like a man that shows strenght of charackter and is not a "woman wrapper" or "mumu".

So men you have to radiate some kind of firmness and strenght of character don´T get all suppy on women

bukatyne:
I doubt it
Again, it depends on the woman in question. Not All women are totally dependent and cannot survive outside their husbands.
Some women decide to abandon the polygamous man instead.
Not All women are helpless as nollywood potrays

So in other words the predominant view of the young ladies here is that a woman that is financially independent can afford to leave her husband.

In order words the main substance of a marriage is financial and once you are financially independent marriage no longer has much meaning?

Have you ever considered that a woman may just love her husband so much that she would be prepared to tolerate a second wife just so that she can still be with the man she loves.
I know so many women women who remain in the marriage because the love their husbands and would feel empty without him.

The Lord grant him mercy and open the gates of heaven to welcome him.
So sorry you have to go through this pain.

The woman should serve the husband the food. When the kids get older they can also help to do that.
There is also nothing wrong with a man helping himself.

lifenocks:
@ mutter
A marriage is based on trust and respect. You have to respect your husband and trust him enough not to snoop after him. How can you respect someone or have regard for him if you have to invade his privacy and snoop after him.
Response: obviously I don't trust him. Twice he cheated don't want to bother myself with d rem he told me about.
@ Poster I have seen loads of women in my life who brag outside and at home are crawling on their knees. As I said, don`t be deceived! Most women take real hard stuff at home and come outside to act like they are in control.
Response: am not deceived am sure u fit d above quote perfectly

Believe what makes you happy... yawns!

cococandy:
who is the society? If not you and I.
So all this nonsense you've been typing here is just to say that you think husbands shouldn't be blamed when they cheat.
The wife takes the blame when she cheats and also takes the blame when the husband cheats .
It is one thing to say YOU THINK men don't have self control,it is another thing entirely to push the blame on the woman as the cause of her husband's philandering.
So much for dignity.
If you can't at least help the OP don't make her feel worse with your comments.

You and I can change nothing.
This is the way things are and you better get accustomed to it and learn how to fit in.

And you know what- I don`t want to discuss anything on changing society.
Millions of Nigerians, educated and emancipated -and a bunch of corrupt hooligans have reduced the country to shambles. Are you not a part of that society? What have you and I changed.

Now we can`t change the evil and corrupt society but you want us to change the culture of our forefathers.

So much for dignity and sober reality!

Sorry no mention of the civil law above. Besides civil law is not necessarily superior to customary and sharia law.

SORRY HAVE TO ADD. FOR THE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN, THE LAW OF THE COUNTRY WHERE THE RESIDE WILL APPLY, IRRESPECTIVE OF UNDER WHAT LAW THE COUPLE WAS MARRIED.

I would put in the application as soon as possible because it takes time in certain countries up to half a year or a year.
As I wrote you can prove that the circumstances are unbearable, cruelty abuse, and so on. The Judges don`t really delve much into it. Important is that you have to raise it to make sure the divorce goes through without efforts of recounciliation..

My advise is not based on the morality of what you are doing because you did not ask about our opinion.

cococandy:
nne out of curiosity I want to know if you will also tell the husband of a cheating wife to take the blame for her sleeping around and work on giving His wife whatever it is that is making her go outside.
Or tell Him his wife's phone is none of his business?

PLEASE we have gone through this so often. The nigerian man is polygamous! So it is not the same yardstick for men and women. Yo know how society ticks on such thinks and you and I cannot be greater than the society or change it.

@ Onegig What is there to adivce. I pity her from the bottom of my heart. I lso hope she does not get infected with anything. You cannot help someone with advice who is in denial and withholding some part of the information. That is why I adviced initially she should work on herself and being a good wife It is to be hoped that the man will respond positively after some time.

onegig:
I am all for doing your due diligence before marriage but I like issues to be taken case by case. I can't recall the woman here saying her husband is a womaniser or something. Even if he is before marriage there's what they call vows. He made the vows.
I have never seen a woman put a gun to a man's head and led him to the altar. He knew what he was signing up for. It's either he learns to be responsible or continue being a bachelor and doing whatever he likes. That's me being secular. We haven't even looked at the religious implication, what about STDs and other things connected to such a lifestyle? If he is not satisfied with what she's doing, talk to her about it and if she doesn't change after repeated talks and interventions. Learn to live with it or Divorce is always an option. Though a difficult one but a responsible one than sleeping around.
As for snooping around. What you consider privacy maybe something open for someone else. I don't even share the idea of keeping secrets. There's nothing like privacy between couples. 2 becomes 1 and this is in all acts.

To her husband being a womanizer
I quote
@coogar he even admitted to me dat he had not been faithful in d past but promised he wld never cheat on me again. D real number he didn't tell me, but d ones I know is two.

Exactly because of the vows and things like STD a woman should marry the right partner. When you focus your priority on material or other things rather than the character and decency of the partner, do you expect the devil to become an angel overnight because you married him?

As regards the privacy- as long as you go looking into things you cannot do in the presence of the partner you are snooping.

You must get a divorce. If you are residing in another country the divorce can also be done in that country. They will serve your husband with a notice of the hearing in Nigeria through the embassy of the country you are residing in. Your husband can attend the hearing or give his own evidence in a court of law in Nigeria. The would apply Nigerian law for the divorce.
However if you have been seperated for a short period of time they might expect more time to elapse unless you prove that the circumstances where girevious for living him. Countries differ.

Any marriage entered into before the divoce is null and void and all privilages you get out of the marriage e.g residence permit would be revoked if it comes to light.

onegig:
You are entitled to your opinions but truth is even if you do ebrything. Lie down flat, perform the best action in bed, be submissive and all that. Some men would still go ahead and cheat. It is not in ideal to accuse the victim of not doing enough because reality points to the contrary.
Also, trust is being evaluated daily. There is nothing like blind trust. benefit of doubt you may say. But complete wholesome trust is BS. If he does something suspicious its only natural for you to ask for clarifications.

I did say that there are exceptions to the rule but you know what-
Most women know already that they are dating a womaniser and go ahead and marry him hoping to change him. When you get married to a man and you know he throws his net in many ponds, do you think he will stop going to the other ponds because he has drawn out the net in your pond? You got what you purshased. Again to this there are exceptions.

No not blind trust, you need to evaluate and the rest but you don`t need to go snooping around, that is humilating yourself and breeching his privacy.

I have enough dignity to know my value .

chaircover:
You do not inflict pain on someone you claim to love
I agree the wifey made a number of serious mistakes, but this mans response is not the answer to the problem. You can correct in love.
Wifey, you need to have a one to one with your hubby. Apologise for previous behaviour and ask him to give you a chance to make amends.
Explain to him that he is hurting you both physically and mentally and his hurting you indirectly means that he is hurting himself as your happiness is his happiness too.
He obviously likes sex, so you too need to step up and not be found wanting. This is not the time to be prudish and be wearing jeans to bed. Sex is a beautiful thing between husband and wife. You both own each other and you should both be giving each other pleasure; not just one sided or painful.
. . .and to the people who asked the question . . YES!!! There can be rape within marriage and had this guy been married to an oyibo and lived in some countrys, he would have been arrested by now.

@ Chaircover- Inflicting pain when in love happens! People tick differently.
Years back blue films where relatively "normal". Today it is a sick world

Nigerian Laws recognize polygamy as legal.

What is against the law is to have a civil marriage and then go ahead to have a customary one. But that law is a dead law. also Sharia law allows for polygamy.

At the same time the constitution makes all children legitimate. So even if a man goes ahead to have a customary marriage after a civil one the children or the customary marriage are legitimate.

Polygamy is a part of our culture and As much as no woman wants to share her husband sometimes sharing can be better than being abandoned.

Wendy80:
Communication is key. Bottling feelings isn't d best cos it will only make them drift apart slowly.
I'm not saying that's why he's flirting o.

Yes a woman typed this! To advice another woman.

Firstly marriage is based on trust! Do you think you can control a partner? He can have twenty phones if he wished to. He could change his number ever so often. You have absolutely no chance. Most times you only find out what the man wants you to find out or what he doesn`t give a damn if you find out.

A marriage is based on trust and respect. You have to respect your husband and trust him enough not to snoop after him. How can you respect someone or have regard for him if you have to invade his privacy and snoop after him.
And secondly where is your pride and dignity that you feel so insecure to have to do this.

I am one of those women that say my husband is the boss because I say he is. My husband has all rights over me because I gave him those rights as a sign of my love and respect for him as my husband. I handed him over his authority over me freely whenever had to fight for it so he knows the source of his authority. He knows he got it from me, I am his king maker in our Kingdom so why should he abuse the authority when he knows the source? I don`t want to brag but there is nothing he would not do for me as long as it is a reasonable request. That is because he feels good when I ask and he feels even better when I appreciate.


@ Chaircover, we know that there are some sad exceptions but they are exceptions. Please let us tell these young women the truth. She should check what the man is missing at home. Her write ups show some sort of contradiction.

@ Poster I have seen loads of women in my life who brag outside and at home are crawling on their knees. As I said, don`t be deceived! Most women take real hard stuff at home and come outside to act like they are in control.

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!

You should be ashamed to even mention this here

IF your husband is fliring it means he is looking for something he is not getting home. You can`t change your husband but you can change you. Go into yourself and check what you are doing wrong or omitting to do.
Start working on your marriage.
Getting a husband is not hard but the biggest challange is keeping a happy home. Yo need to keep the live alive and kindle the fire every day.
STOP snooping around. His Tel. is not your biz.

What is she to report?
You have not mentioned anything about the man but only his sexual inclinations.
He wants it brutal and i can read behind the lines that you like it that way but you are just ashamed of admitting it.
He punishment is limited to the bedroom and so it is only the sexual aspect that you are talking about.
What is wrong with him asking for a B-job I guess it is actuallyquite the norm in the bedroom.
the bedrooms are no longer sunday mission school, the modern man has demands that are quite revolutionary!
You are a feminist and a proud woman that gets her way- So live up to the challange of modern day sex.

As a mum I can tell you I have a son who gets great grades and helps in the house but I am constantly on him because.
- he gets good grades but does not spend enough time reading.
-is laid back and day dreams too much
- needs to be woken up
- can do things in a snail tempo.
It absolutely irritates me because I know that you need more than good notes in life. I want him to learn to be reliable, consistent and have self discipline.
Why am I writing this?
Your mother has noticed some things about you that need to be corrected. You think they are minor issues but they are very important.
As soon as you correct them she will leave you in peace.
it would be nice if you could give instances of what she complains about.

Listen to your mum she wants the best for you and herc instinct tells her when it is good or bad for you.

Could it be that your husband is a foreigner or has a foriegn passport and you want to take the baby abroad?

If you want the interest of the child go and contact the family and let them do what is to be done so that the boy bears his fathers name. That is in the best interest of the child.
Your husband will have his own children and this boy will not be regarded or accepted as his first son.
Whatever issue you have with the father of the boy is irrelevant for the boy. That man is his father and the more you try to fight it the more you loose the battle.
Do not make a mistake you will only regret later.