₦airaland Forum

and mine as well Chaircover!!!
It seems she has a problem with pulling things through to an end.
As you advised it may be more realistic to get involved in something practical.
I hoope this is not going to end up being an appeal for funds, being as it is a first time poster

Concentrate on finishing school and then your National Service will give you a break.
Remember that in Nigeria men seem to prefer marrying girls that are still living at home with their parent.
I know it must be hard at your age but try to endure just some more.

At this stage it is not just about putting food on the table. What the man needs more than ever is support. Not pity but support to get his life moving again.
This is not necessarily achieved by doing everything for the man but also by giving him a loving push out of his depression.
Years back we were confronted with a similar situation. I made sure that I kept my house as usual doing everything I had always done giving him time to let it all sink in. After that i told him clearly i did not want my kids to come home and meet their dad at home so he had to get himself something doing. This was not just about the pay for all I care it could be a voluntary job, further education but he needed to move and not sink in self pity. He initially felt i was being hard but he later thanked me for it.
It is a hard blow on a man loosing that which he thinks makes him a man. It ids important to get u and try to make the best out of the situation.

Kieryn I think you need to talk to the family but one has to be diplomatic. It might be enough if you emphasize to them that the need to seek professional help for the child. Without mentioning your suspicions explain to them that there are so many possibilities of helping children today with professional help. Many parents find it difficult to accept that their child has problem and the faster that child gets help the more chances it has in life. I think we have this attitude even with ourselves. I have seen so many women with panic attacks and other nervous problems that need professional help but when I ask them to seek help they feel that they are being labelled as mad or insane. We simply need to come to terms with the fact that the mind as well asthe body sometimes need healing. Once the parents are made aware of the situation and accept it and try and handle it rightly the greatest hguddle has been crossed.

Dear Beetle, I wonder what advise one could give you because you are doing it all right. You have put your trust in man (medical) and Allah. You are lucky to have a good man by your side and you are relating with him in the best possible way a woman can. I feel your pain because I too went through such a period at one time and it was hell. At that stage I could have done anything to be pregnant. I shall remember you in my prayers. Allah is benevolent and ever merciful he shall grant you your hearts desire.
However I wish to add this, there have been cases of women adopting a child who suddenly got pregnant after that quite spontaneously, maybe you and your husband might consider adopting or fostering a child. Even with all my kids I took in a young boy about three years ago, at age 12 he had been kicked out of so many schools and was analysed as being a hopeless case. Today he is doing very well and goes to a special school for kids with learning handicap. He gives me great joy and I must say he sometimes even shows more concern than my own kids. It has been a great joy and fulfillment to watch him change and  he is doing so well that he will be integrated back into his family next year. It was a great challange but also a great gift for me and my family.

Again Ronke read my post!!!!
I certainly believe she is giving her man her A-- but I do not believe she is being forced to do so. She may not like it but she does it to please him. And she did not just start it recently. Many men and women have desires that the other partner does not like. There is a need to be honest about it and stick your ground.

Ronke Bp to emphasize once more. I never advised the woman to live a normal life as if nothing happened.
That statement was related solely to her pregnancy wish. At this stage it would be advisable for her to give time for body and mind to heal and let nature take its course. Which means when the body is ready the pregnancy would surely come. If you find this advise not sufficiently mature i can`t help you.

Busy- body thanks for your support Don`t get too upset. This is not RL and so we should learn to laugh over it. She is only harming herself here you know because words reflect the inner being and the education and home training he/ she was privileged to have.

I did mention that it is wrong for a man to get physical on his wife. I certainly abhor violence in whatever form or in whatever relationship. So I do not want any one putting words in my mouth. Since the original post came from the wife I was addressing my comments at her.
I have been pregnant before I know the pain of longing for a child and the pain of loosing a pregnancy. So I feel deeply for any woman that has to go through the same.
However anyone who has lost a pregnancy at 5 months knows that it is no longer a mere miscarriage. One has to go through the pains of childbirth. Babies have even been known to survive at that stage. That is why to be more specific now, I find the story somewhat awkward and I think a doctor in the house may be able to enlighten us on this. Furthermore I pay attention to details. Try reading or listening to women who lost a pregnancy at that stage. They express themselves totally differently. Also there simply is no proved connection between the beating and the claimed miscarriage. Maybe the poster can clear us up there. Besides any woman that looses a pregnancy at that stage will give enough time to heal herself physically and mentally before jumping into fertility pills and other desperate measures. Lets face it normally a doctor would only recommend fertility pills if you have not gotten pregnant after 2 years or if you have reached a certain age, which is not the case here.
As regards the poster seeking sympathy trying to convey the message that the husband forces her to have an-- s--. I simply cannot buy that story either. This is something that two consenting adults have been practicing probably even before marriage. I cannot believe the man acquired this taste overnight. As desperate as this woman seems, how can one be sure that she did not even introduce the man to this method for fear that he might seek relief outside.
I guess some might see me as being old fashioned- certainly not. As regards certain issues nothing ever really changes. We only are more sober about the reality as life feeds us with experiences.
Ronke bp you are entitled to your opinions but I would appreciate it if you take the pains not to analyse my posts totally out of contest.

Hotie, could it be that you blame your lack of education and upbringing on your parents because they were not able to provide adequately for the number of kids they had?
If so I can understand why you are so mad and lashing out so uncontrolled but there is good news - ADULT EDUCATION!!!!!

Just wondering why these women always ask the same question?
How is the culture?
Does anyone have same experience?

Let the truth be told.
We sometimes react too emotionally on a story.
The beating took place two weeks before the miscarriage- There is no telling if it was the direct consequence of the beating.
Immediately after the miscarriage of such an advanced pregnancy she never even let her body heal but even went as far as taking fertility pills!!!
What reaction was expected of the man He should give up his job and friends and stay at home  mourning with his wife or frantically trying all methods to get her pregnant? No he is doing the right thing. One has to try and relax and live a normal life and wait for nature to take it`s course.
Finally sorry but some women enjoy being degraded and it trips them sexually and some women enjoy being hurt too during sex.
Now this man did not force her. This is a man and his wife and they way they relate sexually. The woman has been consenting to it probably even before marriage. So in this case I cannot condemn the man either - I see here two consenting adults.
It is however wrong for a man to get physical on his wife and I see here two people who need some real solid advice. The woman role is even more pathetic for me and more urgently in need of correction.

Just wondering, would they have taken that action if she were white?
Certainly not. I have seen even more dramatic cases with white women and the kids were not taken away from them.
This is just racism. It is in the interest of the kids that they remain with their mother and get the support they need when necessary.
Is she a fool for having so many kids?  Certainly not it remains a personal choice. There are so many mothers out there with one kid maltreating their kid and that`s okay? This woman and her kids looked decent to me.
I feel for her and it is certainly normal to curse and swear when your kids are taken away from you.  The only mistake she made was questioning the white institution publicly and she is paying a big price for it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPTofAJxM6I&feature=related

Well when it`s a white mom she gets a TV show lots of interviews and lots of money

Your husband is absolutely right.
The way things are now, even if you give them the money they will still not accept that amount as being just and will not be pacified.
When they do as your husband says they would have shown intention to end this contract amicably and shown that they accept your decision as regards the deduction. Your husbands decision is wise and experienced. I would have advised the same. This way you remain in control of the situation.
She must bring out whatever is in her custody or explain how they got missing before she gets paid.

That is politics for you. No specific qualifications needed.
How many Nigerians holding political posts are actually qualified for the post? How many people all over the world are actually qualified for the political posts they hold.
Why don`t we point fingers at ourselves and start showing respect for the dead and a worthy son of Nigeria as that. This we can best do by respecting the privacy of his family and showing them some respect especially in this time of mourning.
Anyone who has ever lost a loved one after a long protracted illness knows the pain. Sometimes death even comes as a relief to the sick and the family. I feel for his wife she is still so young and has contended with so much and still has so much to contend with.
She may not have gained your condolences but she certainly deserves her respect and privacy.

Well from what you wrote he also dated her 10 years out of pity so he might as well marry her out of pity.
MENNNNNNN!!!!!!

I wonder why all this pounding on the poster.
Let us get this straight- It is not his obligation to iron his wife`s cloths.
If he so desires he can help her. But he wrote that he had already done some other things and probably needed time for his own preperations for work.
The chores in a house never finishes and one ought to have priorities especially in the morning. When things are done at the last minute it usually brings stress like in this case.
Even as a woman I could ask my husband to look for something else to wear if he insists on me ironing before work and I just do not have the time or nerves any longer.
It is basically the role of a woman to keep the house and to make sure she can combine her functions in her various roles.
It is simply rude to tell your husband that it is his obligation! She could have put it in a different way. Like telling him it would have been a sign of his love and his appreciation for her huge responsibility as a woman.
My husband does things at home too but I never see it as his obligation but as a sign of his love for me and his concern that I do not get over burdened with my functions. It is also only proper to thank him for this help and show of love.
In the modern day world we need to jump into each others roles and assist but it should always be done with respect and appreciation.
The posters wife expressed herself wrongly and that was the reason she got that response from the poster. as he pointed out he had already done some things in the house.

If a man has a wife by customary law, the second wife cannot be his legal wife because the marriage is null and void. But where there is no case there is no justice.
It might appear that way because enlightened women tend to insist on a registry marriage.

I think I have another opinion here, based on years of experience.
You need to know that men are hunters and as long as they do not have you in their net you might be of the impression that he loves you more.
Also men fall faster in love than women but they also fall faster out of love. - exclude infatuation that a woman might have at the start.
When you want to marry man I would therefore not use this factor as the utmost criteria.
It is very important for a woman to study the man she wishes to make her partner. How those this man relate to other people- his family, friends, strangers. If he is a man with a good character and nature and also highly principled you can be sure the marriage is more likely to succeed. This is because in marriage one has emotional phases being in and out of love. However a good man will always handle with compassion and decency and treat his wife well. He would consider the family and do everything to keep his home intact even in difficult times.
When you have a good man and go through ups and downs and have children together real love grows. It creeps in slow and steady and one day you realise that you not only have a husband but a father, a brother, a friend and companion all in one.
I pray that you make the right decision. Put in in prayer and seek advise from your parents , they have more experience.

A church marriage is not a civil contract. It only becomes one when it is affiliated to a registry and issues marriage certificates. As such it is not the church marriage in itself that is binding in law but the contract that emerges wit the signing of the certificate.
A registry marriage does not have any benefits over a customary one. In the sense that if after a customary marriage you marry another woman in court that also amounts to bigamy. Since Islamic law allows for more than one wife there is an exception here.
A registry marriage becomes important in issues such as custody of the children. However the law of the land where one lives plays an important role here and prevails over marriage laws of the various countries of the parties involved.
As regards inheritance it also plays a role BUT this only where the man has left a testament. In the absence of a testament you find a complicated mix up of statutory law and tradition. Remember also that under the Nigerian constitution there is no such thing as an illegitimate child.
Imagine a situation where a man marries in court and leaves his property to a total stranger!!! It might even be better of if customary law had prevailed in sharing the property.
Hence I assume that statutory marriage is only of a great advantage where the party wills his property in favour of the other spouse and children.

We make so many mistakes when we are young!!!
How can you consider marrying Femi and be dating someone else.
I just do not want to condemn you but to advise you to be disciplined with your body and your interaction with men. Choosing a husband is a very serious issue.

Just keep trying and keep loving she will change. But change takes place slowly.
Many kids are like that. They need regular supervision. Do not expect everything to change overnight. She needs to feel loved and like a part of the family. These problems you have narrated are not serious issues.

r231 no need to say thank you. We should be the one thanking you for this noble action. Keep up the good work.

Okay done.
I must admit however that the post here are not encouraging.
I have tried very often in the past to contribute my widows mite but always get discouraged by some sort of dishonesty or things being so unclear.
I will certainly be willing to contribute in the future for any charitable acts that are authentic. It`s just that i too work hard for my money and have allot of dependants, so I want to know that the money does help those in need.
May God help this lady to put to bed safely.

How can I make a paypal transfer?
Please send me details.

Femmy, after squeezing and sucking your mothers breast you now want to deprive other babies of the same? The joy of breast feeding is not just the milk but also the body contact the baby has. So if you are so particular about hiding the baby under a cloth I hope the baby is still content and not suffocating under the cloth. That does not mean one should fling their breast out indiscriminately.
No third party can stop me from giving my baby what it wants and what is good for it, anytime or anywhere.

Some of the comments here are sick to say the least.
Well Hitler wanted a perfect race too that was why he felt justified in eradicating so many Jews. How can someone possibly suggest the government tying a womans tube etc.

I think the man just acted out of reflex when he got that kick from the little boy.
Actually I blame the parents for standing back and watching the situation escalate without intervening adequately. That boy could have injured someone.
I remember being in a similar situation, a little boy that often hits children and adults hit me on my tummy, i was pregnant then. Well I did not slap him but I certainly was harsh and yelled at him. The mother was standing right there and asked me why I would do such a thing. I told her my view on such issues.
She has every right to give her child the kind of upbringing she wants but she has to know that the child will live with the consequences of it`s action. At that moment i acted totally out of reflex.

I want o look at this case from a different angle all together.
After 8 years of marriage 3 kids?
well it`s obvious he must have started "fathering" them barely two years into his marriage.
I rather tend to suspect that the man knew all along that he had a problem getting a woman knocked up. That was why he was so eager to prove his manhood and accepted without question these children as his.
I smell a big rat here. How come a woman with three kids did not on her own or through her family demand that the kids be accepted. Most women who really know the man is the father would have exposed this to the so called barren wife knowing the stand in a much better position.
In the same vain one can argue that when a woman produces a child that does not belong to the father the child falls sick and dies if the woman does not confess. At least this belief is prevalent in some tribes.

Maybe some DIL`s just deserve it.
When I think how much I invested in my son: Love, tears, pain, time , money. Do you know what it takes to give birth to a child and raise that child to be a responsible man. After all that effort one young girl comes along and wants to stand between you and your son or does not give you your due regard. Please tell me does she not deserve to be maltreated. You might think MIL are wicked but you need to get into their shoes to know how it feels.
A loving DIL fast becomes like one`s own daughter.
ANY WOMAN WOULD RATHER GAIN A DAUGHTER THAN LOOSE A SON.
So when getting married ask yourself which role you want to play.

I feel all warm!!!
Love is the best medicine.