I love this thread. Nothing to contribute yet, just learning a whole lot from the wise folks here.

Mrs. Chaircover, your post connected with me because I have been a "grude holder" in the past. In a serious relationship it doesn't help me to hold on to minor slights and disappointments, especially since I am guilty of these offenses as well.

"I also learnt the hard way that you could start off being right in an argument but if care is not taken you could end up being the offender. I learnt that not all questions have answers and I learnt that not all things follow logic.
I also learnt that not all battles are worth fighting and the word Sorry is one of the most important words in my vocab.

Yes, I've been guilty of this, holding on to logic and being right, and in the process being offensive unintentionally.

The Sorry word is so powerful, many times I really long to hear it instead of a long defensive rant. Funny enough he has made me realize that I also get defensive when he just wants to hear sorry.

Is it possible that your husband is scared to start all over? Baby-raising is hard work and he may not feel like he can handle it. Also, he could have unresolved feelings about losing his wife. He might be afraid something could happen to you too after the baby is born.

maxisioro: Thanks everyone. Keeping my mind straight, focused and steady. Yeah, I know this could be used to spite me anytime, but when these challenges are defeated the spites will be meaningless.

That's the spirit!

mutter: We Hear OHHH.
Don`t worry we are trying hard to conform to your standards.
We will soon get there.

Only silly women struggle for equality with men.
As for me i am a woman and totally submissive to my husband.
That is why I just get into my car and drive. I do not even tank. That is the job for the superman.
What is the point struggling for equality?
You just end up getting the ass card as a woman anyway and are also allowed to do the work of a man.

It's a great feeling. Kind of feels like Christmas and every other special holiday all rolled in one.

If my future husband's tradition means that the wedding must be at my father's house, then so be it. Deadbeat Dad wants to finally step up after years of leaving me high and dry, I won't complain.

However, I would INSIST that my mother must attend. If this girl is willing to toss her mother to the side so easily then she is sending her future husband a strong message.

He already knows she has a father that is unreliable, and therefore not an important person to consider or consult. Now she is showing him that her mother is irrelevant as well. It's not a good thing to be viewed as a stand-alone individual, because the relationship and level of respect a husband has for the in-laws can influence the way he treats his wife and marriage.

Glad you clarified that because I too wondered if you would be posting here if he was holding your children and threatening their life.

Hopefully your husband said what he did without thinking and out of desperation. If he described in detail what he would do then I would take him seriously and call the police.

Also, I hope this business about being locked in the house is an exaggeration. You simply mean that he took your car keys so you can't drive. I'm sure you could walk away or find a driver.

If the real issue here is about how to deal with the cheating then you need to call your husband and talk it out. This issue of him kissing the nanny isn't enough to end your marriage over.

Where are the children now?

@quid- Yes, I remember. I think it was in Chicago?

@agiboma- it's true. Females don't go through it as much as males here either. It's like they are scared when they see a man.

it's scary but like you said education is the key. I was very naïve in thinking that I wouldn't have to have conversation one day. it doesn't help the situation when you see so many black men here feeding into the stereotypes. Not to be offensive to anyone but a lot of AA men believe that it is a part of their culture to misbehave in public and be disrespectful by using bad language and being aggressive.

This post is inspired by the death of a 17 year old black teenager. He was killed by a white man that thought he looked suspicious. The teenager was just peacefully walking back to his father's house after buying some candy for his younger brother.

The shooter claimed he killed the boy in self defense after being attacked, but the altercation was recorded as a neighbor called the police, and you can hear the young boy screaming for help for almost a full minute before being shot.

www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-google&v=hj4RHJ0taoc&feature=related&nomobile=1

The shooter wasn't even arrested.

This boy wasn't doing anything wrong and yet he lost his life. How can we keep our sons safe in a foreign land? I think I will tell my sons to be careful but I'm really discouraged to see that this kind of thing still goes on in america.

Really lovely thread! Keep the stories coming!

NL to the rescue. At the end of the day mama destiny is ok, baby is okay, the poster has received a whole lot of valuable advice, made new contacts that can provide her with face to face support, and maybe she has also found hope for the future.

Physical attributes play a big part, but socioeconomic status, education, personality, charisma, self-confidence, all play a part as well. I believe the partner that is considered more attractive (usually but not always the woman) isn't always the settler. It can be explained by the fact that men tend to overestimate their attractiveness and women tend to underestimate theirs.

Mr Siena we are in agreement that the ideal solution to this problem is to involve her parents asap. However, my previous suggestion was based on an alternate solution since she was dead set against doing so. She may be in a very selfish state of mind but people who commit suicide are in the most selfish state imaginable and they often can't see past their own misery. Also, many babies are dumped like trash because of fear. In her initial post (now erased) she was sounding like she was on the brink of doing something very scary. A temporary home was looking like the best solution compared to what she was initially contemplating. I stand by my assertion that it is not illegal to "hide" your own child from your parents, whether they support you or not. Just as I don't think that she would need their permission to put the child for adoption at her age of 24. I was all for a well thought out solution that would place the baby in a safe environment since she was adamant about not involving her parents (she can't be forced anyway), but I changed my mind based on the fact that there is no mature, well thought out plan of action that would involve finding a safe place in a matter of hours.

Chiomamb I really hope you decided to do the best thing for your daughter and go to your parents.
Please, please don't leave her just to take some exams. School will always be there, but you can't take it back if this innocent baby is harmed by strangers. If you are thinking in any way of harming yourself or your baby please reach out to someone. You have made contacts here so please talk to someone if you are thinking anything along those lines.

Maybe you can go to your grandparents first as others have suggested. Let your grandparents present the baby to your parents.

I'm praying for you and your family.

Killz, you make some very valid points. I wish all guys thought like you in terms of sex and procreation. I'm glad you don't fall into the category of guys that put the blame on the woman for somehow miraculously impregnating herself to try and trap a man.

Carfreak you are a good man and I'm happy that you have been blessed for having such a great attitude. The poster's friend needs to hear what you have said here today.

Well said killz but what about those instances where the mother's life is in danger if the pregnancy isn't terminated? Those who think abortion is justified in that case are basically saying that it's ok to kill the baby under extreme circumstances. What makes something an extreme circumstance? The mother's physical health is as important as her mental and psychological health and some women know they can't handle being pregnant under certain circumstances. The same goes for birth defects. If a child is going to be born with half a brain, or down's syndrome is it ok to terminate? If so, why? That child is a life and if abortion is wrong, it's wrong.

I'm just presenting another side to the abortion debate. Personally I don't think abortion is right, and every child deserves a chance.

Mynd_44:

This is a nominee for the dumbest post of the day. Why should she plan her future based on the fact that she wants to make herself presentable

If she keeps the baby it will make it much harder for her to be presentable to the opposite gender. On the other hand, being dead would kind of put a damper on her love life as well.

I was hoping that she could handle things on her own and not get her parents involved, however since the time frame here is measured in hours and not days or weeks, it seems impossible. A home picked in haste will not be very good for the baby at all. There simply isn't enough time to evaluate someone for this all important task.

There are only a few options at this midnight hour, so to speak. Leave school to take care of the baby and finish at a later date, or tell her parents and they may just let her finish out the six months while they care for the baby, or give the baby up for adoption through a proper agency (of course this option doesn't make much sense if many people at school know about the pregnancy because it may get back to your parents eventually). Hindsight is 20/20, but if the poster had informed her folks before the birth they could have arranged things for her so that she wouldn't miss much school.

I hope you are listening to reason here, chiomab. If you know you cannot handle the pressures and the stigma of being a single parent at this time, adoption may be your best bet.
it is a much more noble act than having an abortion or putting the baby in harms way. If you want to keep your baby then it looks like the only viable option is to march straight to your parents house, baby in hand, and face the music. Looking Destiny in the eye may soften their hearts.

Interesting. Inspiring as well.

Mynd_44:

@Nekai, after all the explanation, answer the question in the title

Neither.

The key is to date someone on equal footing, where you both balance out each other in terms of strengths and weaknesses. A lot of it is perception based. Some people are not happy with themselves so they are constantly reaching in relationships even though they are not at a disadvantage. Just as some people always feel the need to "date down" because they are trying to over compensate for a perceived weakness.

Awww!

.

Single parenting isn't easy. Climbing on a table to have a machine suction out her womb isn't easy. Dealing with potentially scarred insides isn't easy. Killing her child won't be easy. Watching the guy's reaction will not be easy. Finding out he is married or in a long-term relationship (since she doesn't really know him) won't be easy. Having the guy be with her out of guilt and obligation isn't easy. No easy way out here. :/

Congrats!!!

What exactly is the crime here? A grown woman makes the decision to keep her baby a secret from her parents? Guys do things like this and move on with their lives all the time. The poster actually wants to stay involved and look after the baby weekly. She isn't trying to hide the baby in some shoebox for goodness sakes. It's obvious that she wants to find a safe place which is why she is reaching out for help. A simple document signed by both parties would stipulate the terms. As an adult it isn't necessary to concern the parents. The immediate need is to find a safe place for the baby. I'm guessing that the poster is overwhelmed and anxious right now and she cannot see any other way out. When someone is in crisis they can't see the big picture. Personally I think when she finally talks to her parents it will not be as bad as she thinks, but trying to push the issue while she is in this state of mind will only make her more anxious and prone to making hasty and desperate moves.

What exactly is the crime here? A grown woman makes the decision to keep her baby a secret from her parents? Guys do things like this and move on with their lives all the time. The poster actually wants to stay involved and look after the baby weekly. She isn't trying to hide the baby in some shoebox for goodness sakes. It's obvious that she wants to find a safe place which is why she is reaching out for help. A simple document signed by both parties would stipulate the terms. As an adult it isn't necessary to concern the parents. The immediate need is to find a safe place for the baby. I'm guessing that the poster is overwhelmed and anxious right now and she cannot see any other way out. When someone is in crisis they can't see the big picture. Personally I think when she finally talks to her parents it will not be as bad as she thinks, but trying to push the issue while she is in this state of mind will only make her more anxious and prone to making hasty and desperate moves.

Wow! It's so nice to see everyone tripping over each other to help someone in need. It is truly heartwarming.

Chiomab I hope everything turns out well. May God bless you and Baby Destiny. Your parents may be the best people to oversee the care of the baby while you are in school, but if you can find a caring and depandable temporary home for her it may be worth it to wait. (Don't completely rule out the idea of adoption. You may just be answer to some family's prayers. It doesn't make you any less of a person or a bad mother to contemplate giving your daughter a stable home) I'm glad you are no longer contemplating suicide over this situation and I hope you will not hesitate to reach out to nairalanders if you start feeling low again. We don't bite! (Most of us anyways)

If you need funds to support this child while you are in school I'm all in.

False. The AA/AS/SS genotype of the parents has nothing to do with the gender of the children. The predominant factor that determines the gender of a child is the contribution of either the X or Y chromosome from the father.

OP I hope you are feeling better. (Those post-partum hormones can really mess with you so be careful)

davidylan:

good guy. go and work on your marriage jare. Your wife and daughter need you.

and what is best for the child is to be punted from parent to parent every other weekend like a football? What is best for the child is to spend the rest of her growing years getting used to one uncle and aunty or the other sharing mommy and daddy's bedrooms? What is best for the child is to carry the cross for daddy and mommy's irresponsible behaviour?

This silly idea of single parenthood now gaining momentum is what will destroy the new generation.

What usually breaks up a happy home is not the initial problem, but the reaction to the problem, and the reaction to the reactions. The devil often preys on families by using our fears and insecurities to incite us to misbehave in the spirit of feeling a sense entitlement.

Kudos to the wife for not making any hasty decisions, or taking any low blows, and even more kudos to the husband for being understanding about his wife venting about their problem to random strangers.

All is well.