₦airaland Forum

Am I the only one smelling hypocrisy with some folks here . . . .

This is certainly not a complimentary comment and for some reasons, I am a bit miffed
Here are supposedly 'peaceful women' campaigning against abuse by making sure they don't forget to bully the next person whose voice does not exactly sound like theirs

The roll call is staggering -
*NikkyShine came in to make a point and she had to literally beg not to be bitten - like seriously !!!!!
*Serubawon was so afraid, despite the pleas, he scampered for his life.
*the normally verbose coogar, just gave a cryptic two liner, that was neither here nor there and disappeared.
*And Airpure, haba . . . The barrage she received today might even sink as deep as the slap. I mean she apologized and apologized, yet the sticks kept landing on her. If you feel her choice of words were not as good as yours, So ?? does that justify the torrent she had to face ? You could have torn her arguments into shreds but not her person. She was figuratively slapped and dragged on the ground here . . . .
At some point, she was desperately trying to appease some folks here but heck, the mob wasn't having it, they kept on kickin - 'how dare she voice an opinion that's contrary on our thread in the first place'. Debrief's comment just came to mind

debrief08: .
How to avoid bad marriages, start from your home, train the boys well, train the girls that they are not inferior, their opinions count.
Abuse in most cases is not cause and effect it is about power, the abuser feels happy only when someone is reduced by their words and actions and is in pain, that is the sense of satisfaction that comes from abuse, you can be the best wife or husband and still be stuck with an abuser.

It got so bad her last comments made me put my hand on my head

Airpure: Thank for ur reply I duff my hat to u. From ur post I better understand some of the issues.like some men abuse cause of damaged minds n nothing u can do to save em n in dis case u should run or expect to be in RIP section soon. Also that if a man accepts his shortcomin n understand that abuse is a no no n he is willing to change then u can work wit him.thanks dear.

You see now Efe n others there is need to keep an open mind in threads n try to understand others instead of throwin abuse cos no man has all d knowledge. Every situation n human being is diff. We can all learn from each other. If not NL will be a place where selected few think they ve all the knowledge n every1 must fall in line.

That said I won't post here again I ve seived n picked the info that is beneficial to me n I hope others do so too.

*and Gob bless that woman busy_body . . . . .

chaircover: Debrief I have a question. Something just crossed my mind. Abusers are mostly bullies and we all know that bully’s withdraw when they see people stronger than them.

Am in total agreement with you ma and my little introspective mind sees the 'abusive spirit' even on this thread. Truth remains that we might win little if we refuse to look inwards too - In addition to identifying 'monsters'. You know the way it goes, the average man who comes late to work, cheats in exams, gives and accept bribes yet he is tired of corruption in Nigeria

and for those who feel having a rounded opinion is not necessary, carry on. My little training and upbringing teaches me that reasonable people put both (or all possible) angles into consideration before making judgement, even if at the end of the day only one side will be declared guilty
and for clearance of doubt, read busy_body's lengthy post/analysis again - that is as close as possible to my understanding of balance.

I apologise to those that have stayed true on this thread who might feel called out by this post. Am sorry if it seems am derailing this important thread at this point but there is a limit to which one can stand some . . . .

For those who will surely respond to this post with insults, Its Ok. I realise that once it is in the system, its probably only the 'blood of Jesus' that can wash it away.



@Debrief, I do appreciate your inputs, you seem to have a good spirit despite your experiences and I sense you just want to help those who have found themselves in very difficult situations like yours without any ulterior agenda but please let's try to make this sound less like a 'Divorce manual'. Ok.

@cotton - all I can say is that God has helped you thus far. He'll see you to the end. I'l advice you to learn from debrief and if possible do not allow the bitterness from your past to in anyway have an influence on your future. As in move on, not just physically but also spiritually and in your psyche

@Airpure,

I just went through your profile and I checked your first post and still stand by the reason why I supported it.
I felt it was your own account of things, your own experience, which you had the right to air. I honestly didn't see or feel it was a response to anybody or aimed at countering anyone. Simply put it was your own survivor story . . . .
(considering that you had even attacked guitarlife earlier for daring to defend marital abuse, in fact you recommended a trophy for women who dared to come out of such relationships)

but your second post (that's causing the ruckus ), with what seems a direct attack on cotton is wrong on all counts. The assumptions were uncalled for.
(Why do I get this sneaky feeling that you wrote that post just to get back at her for first attacking your seemingly innocuous post detailing your own experience with spousal abuse and how u handled it, thereby opening you up to further attacks ).

Anyway, it will be terribly difficult to bring up any defence for those lines you typed, thank God some peeps are asleep already.
I think you should just do the right thing before morning.

Efemena_xy: Please don't attempt to understand my mentality, whatever you think it is - I'd like to spare you getting brain f*a*g.

I just told you, I find the bolded bit of your post especially offensive!

Are you slow or what? How hard is it for you to comprehend that you don't use words like: Oh, you were probably abused because your ex discovered / thinks you were a girl about town and he was disgusted with you

Doesn't that sound stooopid, even to your ears? Do you think someone reeling from an abusive relationship needs to be likened to the terms "disgusting" and "girl-about-town"?

Who the frigging hell do you think you are?? Or you think you're better than them because you "endured" your slap in the typical Nollywood fashion??

I hope am not going to be starting another round of flame war. But me thinks no need to sound so harsh.

I definitely do not agree with Airpure's second posts - Most (or probably all) abusers have a problem with themselves and cannot hide under the victim's behavior (or history) to justify their actions. Whatever the case might be.

but going on all out attack might only make her more defensive. She might seem to be drawing issues way back but probably be more advantageous to point out what you feel are obvious flaws in her arguments.

I remember when FTMOM came in to challenge the impression about the importance of a job to the issue of domestic abuse, she marshaled her points so sweetly that I for one conceded that even though its good for a woman to have a financial backup, it might not be as influential as I thought when it comes to spousal abuse.

My two cents

ftmom: @ pak

I see you lurking how do we prevent?

As I never marry, I think it will be safer to just borrow cocoa's classic

freecocoa: Nna menh I don't even know what to say again, the whole thing done dey confuse me.

but on a more serious note

1. I think the issue of precautions before marriage can not be over flogged and has been dealt with extensively.

2. and from my little corner of the world, in marriage, I think

LOVE, RESPECT, COMMUNICATION, UNDERSTANDING , WILLINGNESS TO LEARN AND COMMON SENSE will go a long way.


Having someone (probably an elderly person, probably a counselor) to confide in won't be bad as long as it is not the wrong person. I might be wrong , am not married so . . . .

ftmom: Still on signs/red flags:

A friend of a friend was dating this guy, a known womanizer. The guy would complain about her dress sense repeatedly and compare her to other women. He talked down to her and rubbished her opinions even though she had more education than he did. He was jealous of any achievements/successes she had. He came from an abusive home himself and the women of his family were not valued. They both had good careers and great income but the guy was in charge of the purse strings, he decided how the money got spent. No alarm bells went off because in her family, her Dad was in charge of the finances too so it didn't seem odd. When she would try to break off the relationship, he begged and pleaded and she would forgive and go back to him. Eventually, they got married but the marriage didn't last because he never changed.

As far as I know, there was no physical abuse- I say this again so that people will know abuse can also be non-physical but it's still abuse.

On point. I also think this is very important and though there are no empirical evidences, it probably occurs more frequently and might have led to the break up of more marriages

@Cotton,
I feel your posts were insightful especially the penultimate one. Everybody who read it must have learnt a thing or two, either male or female.
but what worries me is you finding airpure's post annoying. Firstly , the ability to accept contrary opinion, is in itself a sign of the maturity and the well thought out nature of your view point. I noticed a trend on NL even when serious issues are being discussed, once an opinion does not go with the mainstream, then comes the attack, sarcasm and whats' not and I ask myself, is that how these people are in real life ? You instinctively insult whoever does not share your viewpoint ? (Am not talking specifically about you cotton now, just a general observation)

The second and most important part was that Airpure's view does not necessarily contradict yours. Her experience was quite different from yours so no point in trying to make her view look inferior. You did what was right in your case, she believes she did what was right in hers.

Am not sure she implied most of what you typed in your riposte.

One point she made which I have been trying to harp, which very few have agreed with (since most respondent came with the intention of looking at one angle, and hence respond aggressively to alternate views) is that

VERBAL ABUSE IS AS BAD AS PHYSICAL ABUSE

A woman who sees no qualms insulting her husband, will definitely not hesitate to insult her children, if she feels the need to (and god forbid, she has a maid). And in most cases, physically abusing the children is not too far away. So its sort of a cycle. Ditto, for the man who verbally abuses is wife.

I see a verbally abusive person as a potentially physically abusive, just that he/she does not have the means to physically assault the target yet.

Based on your stories, your case is probably different and all these might not apply

But in airpure's case, for some reasons, she felt she could salvage her marriage and went for it.

Just as we commend you for taking a bold step to probably save your life.

We should also salute airpure for her decision and hold her as an example to young women going into marriage.

That is the reason why we need balance in discussing issues like this (for those who argue that the call for balance is not necessary). More often than not you need to move a little to the left and a little to the right, to find the truth in every issue

busy_body and Ileobatojo,
Please , please let's try to keep things civil here. Bury your differences and let's remain objective and if you can't please just try to be civil in raising your points/opinion.

This is a thread about abuse, the last thing I'll expect is to see insults being thrown around.

We can't be committing the same thing we are trying to correct in the same breath.

For the sake of this thread at least let's just try to keep things under wrap.



@Serubawon, please do come on stage - How can you 'serubawon' if you are afraid of the consequences

ileobatojo: By the way



I can and I have. And I wasn't trying to defuse any tension, she was simply chatting pure shyte!

jennykadry: @pak

I have walked my boss out of my office before.

I have walked out on my boss on several occasion

Ok, you can continue

So 190 finally got the Yaris.

I can remember way back when he was always on and on about getting a Yaris.

There was one Guru Maharaji style red yaris that he particularly fawned over.

Got me convinced to consider a Yaris too then but the first NL dealer I contacted killed the desire (can't remember the guy).
Warned about the small engine size and reliability, so I backed off.


Good to know you got the yaris, so how reliable was the ride, how long did it serve you ?

FreeCocoa, you are one of the best persons, I've ever met. God Bless you.


Wish you all the best in your relationship too.

ileobatojo: @ Pak. This type of epistle you typed is not consistent with your 'joke' that you don't want to argue with a woman.

The premise of that joke is that women are usually far better at argument and discussions than men. Nothing derogatory was intended.
Jeez !!!!!!

ileobatojo: I deliberately did not answer you anymore because of that because I believed you were not interested in going back and forth about the issue. I also, apparently wrongly, believed that you understood what I was trying to say. So just imagine my shock at seeing this kind of long story on top of a simple matter. My point simply was; at the time you made your post about emotional abuse, you simply did not have enough evidence to make that claim since you didn't know what happened. - Proverbs 18-17

1. The phrase she said he made is something an average man will hardly ever utter, unless he is very hurt.
2. I have always been an advocate of giving fair chance to both parties in issues. Even before her posts, something told me that this was one case were we had to look at things roundly. Its always dangerous to advice ppl before hearing a full story. And my little experience has told me that when someone is telling a story, stand a little bit towards the side of the other person(the party that's not around) and you'll most likely get the proper perspective.

ileobatojo: Thanks for exposing yourself though.

Maybe I need an education here

freecocoa: Btw Pak I see you still don't get it, okay let me help, you annoyed your girlfriend and the issue was unresolved till the next day, she brought it up and you said "sorry" very nonchalantly, she went on to say you should say the sorry like you mean it and your face suddenly starts to swell up, instead of just smiling and saying something like baby I mean it na, you ignore her and continue doing what you were doing, she takes your game pad and you ask for it back and she says she will only give it back if you tender a proper apology and you said she only wants you to get angry and she says "get angry na, any small thing you will want to make a mountain out of a molehill" the next thing you do is walk away.
After a while she comes to meet you with the pad obviously cos she was tired of it and probably missing you, instead of letting it go you start saying stuffs about how she's too stubborn bla bla bla and the next is that phrase.
How is the above scenario enough to make one that angry?
From the above isn't it obvious the girl just wants a little petting instead of a fight?

I like your personality (and I mean nothing mischievous here). You seem very open - a very good trait anyday.

Back to your story, I love to be frank to a fault - I'll rather keep quiet than pander to anybody. Just take this as my very sincere opinions.

First, thing you'll admit that one, we don't have the privilege of hearing his own angle to the issue. Am not for a moment suggesting you might be lying or twisting things. its just that its possible for two people to see the same thing from diametrically opposite perspectives.

I tend more to sway on the side of those that I feel have least defence. My principle is, if I can defend you behind your back, then I can defend you anywhere and 2. if I can tell you your faults to your face, then you've found a friend indeed.

This guy is not here and I dont know him, So I'll rely on conjectures (and a bit of drama) to give a possible glance to his own angle of things.

Here is his likely story -


I got into an argument with my girlfriend and the next day she brought up the issue again. Because I really loved this girl, I decided not to argue and said sorry. Then she started telling me I had not apologised enough/I have to keep apologizing. I was already getting pissed, so I just ignored her and started working on my Computer (intentionally made the switch, I have never understood game freaks and their addiction - this comes closer to home for me). Then She suddenly snatches my computer, while I was working - No girl had ever done that to me - I was initially shocked and calmly asked her to hand it back to me. She said I had to tender a proper apology before handing it back, - I was like whaat ?? by now I was almost boiling and made her realise how angry I was but she just said something like "get angry na, any small thing you will want to make a mountain out of a molehill". The most painful part was that she knew how angry I was and she didn't stop. I felt so pained, it was as if she was just trying to make me react in a way I will regret. So I mustered all my strength and just walked away. She finally came back with the laptop and . . . . . . . . .


You see freecocoa, Its not about saying you did something wrong, am just saying that it might help to see things from his side.

For someone to already start recommending therapy because of an illustration that we've not yet had its full picture seems one sided and far fetched. Sort of defeats what I initially felt was the objective of the thread and gives a bit of credence to those attacking the thread.

and if you were to look at things objectively and fairly, then you'll realise that you actually didn't cover yourself in glory all thru. The issue of working on him won't work - Its more of both of you needing to work on each other (and that's the case 99% percent of the time). I guess you guys are just two wonderful people, that a bit of pruning will make more beautiful. Ignore the naysayers and enjoy your relationship with common sense.

And by the way, its been said in books, movies , newspapers songs . . . . .
Men are not mind readers, A colleague of mine said, a man's heart just has one compartment, while a woman's has 12. Our ability to read minds and moods is 1/12 of a woman. So the next time you need heavy petting . . . .


On a jocular note, I've learnt what to do the next time my wife seizes my gamepad, phone , shoe . . . .

ileobatojo: I tire o? Sometimes, in an argument it is better to walk away than to stay and be tempted to say the things that are coming into your head in the heat of an argument.

If the heated argument is an abusive one (whether physical or not as efemena puts it). Then what were you doing there in the first place. No point in arguing with someone who has lost his head when you've also probably lost yours.
And if its not abusive or violent, then why not sit down and trash the issue out since it wont just disappear on its own. And if for any reason you can't continue - exhaustion e.t.c. politely excuse yourself. No need to 'walk out on someone'.

ileobatojo: This is where understanding and compatibility comes in. Even if you have been brought up to think that walking out is the ultimate sin, you should know that not everybody has the same upbringing.

No I was just brought up to understand that being disrespectful to your spouse is just not one of the best ways of having a long and successful marriage and I expect others to understand same.

ileobatojo: Instead of pinning the woman down, he should have let her go and then later they can have a serious discussion about their thoughts on how to resolve conflicts and see if they are ready to achieve a compromise or at least understand where the other is coming from. Walking away is even recommended by experts as a tool to defuse very tense situations so how it can amount to emotional abuse is something I find fantastic.

Well, I am tempted assume either you'r not african (or don't stay in Africa), you're not married or does not or choose not to understand men.
One, I never explicitly said walking out on a man IS emotional abuse (as you and shollypopz have sarcastically been trying to put it) check out my original post. I used the phrase 'close as possible to the ultimate sin' which if you had bothered was just a figurative way of saying I feel it is something very very bad (what the heck is the ultimate sin anyway ?)
Though I believe IT CAN BE depending on the context i.e. a man loses his job, while the wife works, an argument occurs and the woman suddenly walks out on him. He's bound to see things beyond what you are saying . . . .but then lets not get too far beyond the story at hand.


However, Can you walk out on your BOSS at work, whether to diffuse tension or not ? So why give your husband the wrong end of the stick

With due apologies, all these talk of I have a temper, I can't stand this , I have to say bla . . . I sometimes don't just get.
I was brought up to understand the woman as the homemaker. Am not a chauvinist but I do not believe in the feminist propaganda of equality and stuff. In marriage, I don't think the issue of equality arises, its not about one gender being superior to the other but the fact that there are two different genders and striving for equality is a competition that is meaningless and leads to nowhere.

At the risk of sounding churchy, the good book says a 'virtuous woman builds her home. . . .'.
If we do not offer a balance point at some point, it becomes a 'don't take no mess , just jump off thread'

At the end of the day, its your life, its your marriage. And you have a responsibility to do the best you can to make it work and while pointing a finger at the other partner, always remember that the four remaining one points back to you.

As I said earlier more often than not, there are no absolutes in life. The truth is always somewhere in between.

Shollypopz: There's a truth in every joke........Can't rmbr a first time

Sure you won't ,

Can you remember a thread about names that we love or something like that.
Today own even better small. You had already thrown one or two insults in the bag before the backing off

jennykadry: Damn I furking love you right now

Common stop that. What the heck ? One minute, you're bashing men (joke joke joke), the next, you're furking loving women.


One more on this thread, I have to furking leave. Was that your intention for startin this in the first place

Shollypopz: pak:
Sighs and thinks to himself - see me here arguing with women, I know I surely can't get far with this

I thought it was obvious that was supposed to be on a lighter mood ?

Second time, sis second time

ileobatojo: I have to disagree with this. Based on what she posted, you do not have enough evidence to say she was being emotionally abusive. What is emotional abuse to you? Arguing with a man?

I wish I could just let this lie since freecocoa has clarified things but since you mentioned it. I'll say that whatever you do to someone you love that will make him say this

he was almost crying while saying there's a place he doesn't like going and it seems like I'm doing my best to make him go to that place, I was like shioor what is he even saying? He kept saying "Desire stop trying to push me I don't like it, you keep pushing, why are you so stubborn"? And I was like "Tah you won't do anything cheesy", he just left the house sha.

Means you'r pushing a button that you'r not supposed to push. And clearly , clearly is emotions are being touched in a way that he doesn't find comfortable. Men are not as expressive as women. And the earlier we appreciate the differences the better.


Sighs and thinks to himself - see me here arguing with women, I know I surely can't get far with this

freecocoa: Thank you Pak for your contribution but the truth is that my boyfriend has anger issues and he knows that.
My response to what he said about me pushing him was because I didn't see any need for those words especially since what led to them were not that serious as he didn't even want to listen or believe the explanation I was giving at the time, I told him he wouldn't do anything cos there was no need to, I'm not trying to justify what I said or anything but I know him, in as much as he doesn't like getting angry, he takes things too serious and he wants me to practically choose whatever I say to him carefully which I already told him is not possible and he's coming to accept that.
I tried to walk out cos the argument was taking a toll I didn't like and if I stayed and continued talking he would have definitely gotten angrier cos I'm not one to keep quiet and swallow all what's being said without trying to defend myself, its not as if he hasn't walked out when on me before, why should me walking out be an insult and his not?
I'm not an angel but I know I'm not that bad either.

Nah, forget about the good or bad issue. You're not a bad person (not from what I saw in that pix - Ok, I digress again).
However, life is not in absolutes. We all come in different shades. Just as much I don't believe ppl have to change themselves to accommodate others in their life, The truth is there has to be a bit of giving on both sides.
If he actually uttered those words you mentioned, then you have to admit he must have been truly hurt and felt you were pushing him beyond limit. You have to respect that.

I had a classmate, I lived close to and related with closely at some point. I remembered a day I cracked a joke about him and the guy went to great lengths to explain himself while I was just initially taking things lightly. I realized that about him and was more understanding in relating with him. He is a great guy, very reserved and friendly in his own way. He's married now and I expect his wife to take him for who he is.

Depending on what you were talking about, It must have been light to you but God knows why He took it serious. And those words you quoted pointed at something eaten him from inside.
Am a man, and for a man to say such, He must have felt you were playing on him and your response didn't try to abate issues.


On the second issue, if that was the context, then I guess it might have been a wise step anyway but I wish we can always do such without coming out as being rude or disrespectful.


Thanks for the response, I appreciate the clarifications

Shollypopz: In fact, talking when he's talking is a major insult too right??

How dare a woman not do as her husband says. He commands, she follows.

Anything other than that, is a major insult. Only women can't feel insulted.

@Shollypopz - We are all different. As far as my memory serves me, I have never walked out on anybody before. Either senior or subordinate.
Why should I walk out on my wife while discussing or why should she walk out on me. I still think its not acceptable.

Efemena_xy: This is where mutual respect for each other comes in. Walking out on the other in mid conversation is akin to dropping the phone / cutting a phone call in mid discussion.

There are exceptions though. If one partner is getting abusive be it physical or non-physical, then yes, the bigger person should leave the scene till tempers cool down at both ends.

Nothing positive or productive can be achieved when angry.

I totally agree, unless it gets to a situation where walking out is a preventive measure. In that case, its more of walking out of a fight rather than a discussion.

I added a caveat earlier though, I do not have the full context of freecocoa's illustrations

freecocoa: I know for sure that he doesn't like getting angry cos the only time he has gotten seriously angry with me wasn't funny, he was almost crying while saying there's a place he doesn't like going and it seems like I'm doing my best to make him go to that place, I was like shioor what is he even saying? He kept saying "Desire stop trying to push me I don't like it, you keep pushing, why are you so stubborn"? And I was like "Tah you won't do anything ", he just left the house sha. One thing though is that his temper that day scared me, later I brought up how I felt about it, he told me that's why he doesn't like getting angry and that I should try my best to help him with that, I just keep thinking what if one day he gets to this place he's always scared of, what will really happen? I don't know if I should be really bothered.

freecocoa: My sister eh there's no point beating about the bush and asking if I need to be bothered, inshort I've been bothered since that day, although he hasn't done anything like raise his hand on me per se but one time he pinned me to the bed when I wanted to walk out on him, I was telling him to let go that he was hurting my hand, he did let go but not immediately, my hand pained me small after that and he kept apologizing and saying he would never hit me no matter what, hmm since that day hmm, well I'll talk to him about what you said cos this thread has opened my eyes to many things, I don't have to wait till he hits me to conclude but my major concern is that if he or any man hits me sef, there maybe casualties cos I no go gree.

At the risk of sounding like Guitarlife - I must admit that this thread does call for balance at this point.

Most of the women (with one or two exceptions) have been seeing red flags on just one side alone. Immediately I got to the first bolded part I saw my first red flag. before I continue, two things.

1. This is not an attempt to disparage Freecocoa's character. I know you are a wonderful person (That your interview pix was like . . . . .damn - sorry I digress). Nobody's perfect. I see myself as one of the worst douchebags atimes

2. I am totally (100%) against abuse. Divorce ? I don't like talking about it. My take is forget religion and do the right thing


Now what you did there was plain and simple, emotional abuse - A man cries like once in seven years (figuratively).
Men and women are different - Whatever would have pushed your boo to utter those phrase must have hurt him deeply, even more than any kind of physical force you might be able to muster against him. And your response ? that cut my heart , as in why

The second red flag I got was the fact that our resident analysts missed that and all canvased for therapy for just the man. I urge caution here. Emotional abuse is as potent as physical abuse. Infact, based on the account of most women who have suffered violence in marriage, It is the psychological effect of such incidence that does most damage. What that means is that both kind of abuse have the same effect - psychological damage to the victim.


In the other case, now I know you ain't married yet but, in some context, especially in marriage and some culture, walking out on your spouse during a discussion/argument is as close as possible to the ultimate sin, especially when dealing with introverted people - you don't just do that.
Western culture might be more permissive, but this is Africa (Wow, Am making soooo many assumptions here, I don't even know if you are in Nigeria or if your spouse is African, but then let's continue for the sake of this discourse).
Depending on the background of your argument, walking out on your man is a major insult.

My summation is this, I am not holding the man guiltless, anybody involved in spousal abuse puts himself in an untenable position. But in these specific cases mentioned above, me thinks you are as culpable as the other party.


Its such a shame that despite the openness of most on this thread, I still find it difficult to share some issues within my family that inspired this response. maybe with time, I'll summon such courage

190 is actually 24.
He just said he's in d entertainment industry.
Unlike us, Ppl in entertainment get to choose their age !

Wait a minute ?

Am I the only one noticing that there is nothing in this report to conclude that the suspect participated in any killing. He sounds more like a fraudulent person who intends to use the lingering insecurity to rake in some cash.

In fact his modus operandi hardly shows any resemblance to the Boko Style.

I hear that some groups in maiduguiri also use this kind of scheme to extort money from seemingly well to do members of society

wonlasewonimi: If I shove you once now, you'd call it abuse.

Why in the world will you want to shove me !!!!!!


I am a Man O !!

Abi you are . . . . .



Am starting to get scared bros

ftmom: Your comment made me recall the story of Titi, the Skye bank employee. They even said she paid the rent yet she didn't get out alive. He eventually killed her. She had a career, she had money but perhaps, not enough willpower/strength/confidence to leave until he took her life. We were told she ran to her parents a couple of times. In the end, we can see she still didn't get out even though she had some financial strength.

On the other hand, there are village women that will pack up and leave with their ghana-must-go bags on their heads and kids in tow, even though they never had an income.

You have to love yourself and believe you deserve better plus overcome fear. I have to stop now but I hope my brief (pun intended) on behalf of stay-at-home Moms is . . . . .whatever word lawyers use

Like I said before, this is a good topic and I pray it doesn't get derailed. Who knows, it could save a life.

You sound like a lawyer though.
You have very convincing arguments

If this was a court case, I admit you most def would have won . . . .

slimyem: I have answered this question twice today but pyguru hid my answers and banned me twice...
Overtime,i have come to understand that "anyone" can act for as long as they want.Only the truly discerning,cautious and non-desperate person can discover the real person inside of the act!

Are you saying that it is possible to pretend to the extent that A man will even alter his behaviour to the people around him during courtship. Me thinks that might be unlikely. You can act nice to the girl but the relationship with siblings and others should more of come out intuitively. Well, there might be extreme cases anyway but seems likely that in most cases most women just tend to look away or see nothing wrong with it as long as they are not at the receiving end.

slimyem: Time changes people,situations do the same.It brings silent and hidden parts of people to fore.
...and Yes,i have seen people switch from cool,calm,friendly and loving to mean,fearful,and unfriendly overnight literarily....and yes,changes with no meaningful or explainable trigger sometimes.

I've thought deeply about this response and the best I can surmise is that in a way it implies that both the perpetrator and victim are guilty ?
If for instance I am cool and calm, never lifted a finger to hit the women in my life - mother sister, coworker et al, then I get married and in two years I become Hulk Hogan - slamming and punching. Is that not a way of saying that something about HER character brought my hidden parts to fore ? Anyway that has been the argument of most guilty men.
Maybe you need to clarify . . . .

slimyem: Nothing is 100 percent certain in life.No relationship is..no human is.
Getting involved is mostly a risk...but when the situation becomes unbearable and life-threatening,isn't it just best to save yourself??

100 percent agree

ftmom: Madam, my point is that staying home is not a recipe for abuse. I have read a number of posts on here that would imply it is and that is why I talked about it. I have nothing negative to say to you or about you. Why? Because I have the utmost respect for women like you, in that society, that can stand up, raise their heads high and become advocates and fighters.

While I still can't fault any of the points you've made so far, I kind of agree with Bebrief on this.

Not having a job is not the cause of abuse but then it could severely restrict a woman's option should abuse ever occur (and not only spousal abuse but any of the scenarios debrief mentioned earlier)

baby_123: I think it means he who owns me, has the say on me or authority over me.

Sorry ma, Based on Sholly's translation, that name obviously has a more mischievous meaning than what you just wrote.



And where the heck is Wonlasewonimi to clarify the puzzle that is his screen name

Shollypopz: contemplates replying, hmmmm........oh well!

It's Yoruba and I overheard it means: won ni al'asewo ni mi

Oh my head ! Am I losing my grip of Yoruba language

It kept coming to me as wonlase wonimi and I was thinking what kind of lang is that.



Thanks, and you'r right, he should def not be taken serious

ftmom: Great thread and I hope a lot of our women learn from it.

The info posted by debrief for help for abused women - if only such could be advertised where they are needed most, would surely help a lot.

At the risk of my comments being misquoted or misconstrued - Please, let us be careful not to make finance or money, the demon in all of this. Having a job or money is not what prevents abuse. An abuser is an abuser, even if it's a man with no job. Haven't y'all heard stories about men who sit ome and drink all day while their wives are running helter[b] skelter to raise money for the household? [/b]

Growing up, both parents worked (not self-employment), which meant they were not always there for school activities and extra curriculars but thank God my siblings and I turned out well. However, the same cannot be said of some of those kids I grew up with. Being a stay-at-home Mom with no employment income does not mean you are at home watching soap operas. This is a very popular stereotype in Naija. In this thread (will paste later, gotta find it), I talked about evaluating our reasons for staying home and if it made sense or not. Staying home is not an automatic pass to spousal abuse and working does not liberate you if you married an abuser.

I stayed home for a few years upon mutual agreement with my spouse and with full awareness of the effect it would have on our finances. I "lost" thousands of dollars in salary, bonuses, employer matching contributions to retirement savings and even my seniority to a degree; because I took time off. There are millions/billions of women like me all over the world that have taken/are taking this option. It does not make you a victim of abuse. A man that will abuse you because of financial dependency is probably not a man you should have married in the first place. Please, spend time on the courtship. And to the men, would you say your wife staying home causes you to become an abuser? Staying home should be by mutual agreement and you have to do the maths to make sure it is affordable and won't lead to discord. You don't cut income and engage in unaffordable spending, the idea comes with sacrifices in spending.

Like most marital issues, marrying an abuser can be traced to the courtship - how does your guy treat the less privileged aka the poor, what kind of comments does he make about money? What are the things that impress him- big cars, BBs, celebrity lifestyles? With all modesty, I'm a pretty good judge of character and maybe that is why I'm talking like this. I knew from an early age, what kind of man I wanted and what to look out for.

Will be back later, work beckons . . .and yes, I am back working now but would not trade my stay home years.

Despite the fact that I agree with ALL the points you've made above (which I highlighted), there is something about having a job which translates to security, which translates to a healthy self esteem


Is it me or has anybody ever noticed that most people that work, or have held down a job for certain periods think and talk differently from people who don't. Its like being at work someway, somehow elevates your level of thinking in a way I can't seem to explain

lola.luv:
My dear, these people are cunning. No normal woman falls in love thinking she's going to be abused. And these guys act so nice at first till the girl is hooked.

One of the things I'd say to a girl is: how does your guy view other women? Does he cherish women in general?



I'll holla at you off NL one of these days when I'm really free or something...

The question I've always asked are -
1. Is it possible for a woman not to see any trace of violence (even if it is just verbal) in a relationship with a man who will later turn abusive ? as in, could it have been hidden in the way he treats siblings, friends, neighbours, subordinates even though he might have been nice to you initially ?

2. Or is it possible for a perfectly calm and easy going young man to turn to an abuser after marriage ? For those who have heard of or seen cases relating to the topic. Have you seen a situation where a man who is perfectly adjusted in his relationship with society turns out to be an abuser when he gets back home.

wonlasewonimi: Association of Abused Women of Nairaland.

Shollypopz: LMAO!!

We should insult u for this but I find it very funny.

Besides, ur ID says u shouldn't be taken seriously

What does the ID mean ? and what language is that ?

slimyem: If any guy i'm in a relationship with as much shoves me to fall anytime....any day..it ends instantly!!

What if you're the one doing the shoving ? will the relationship still end ?



On a more serious note, I once met a lady who told me she was having problems at home (with her mum). Our conversation went something like this


me: So what's the problem you are havin with your mum.

lady: She wants me to go and live with Mr XYZ.

me: are you married or engaged to him ?

lady: No but he's told my parents that He will marry me later.

me: so what problem are you having with the MR ?

lady: I once stayed with him but the guy beats me whenever we quarrel, it got serious at some point, so I ran back home.

me: (Shocked) - Did you tell your mum about all these ? and what of your dad ?

lady: Of course, I told her but she said I am growing older and I need to get married. I don't know if He has given her some money that she is not telling me about. my Dad does not interfere in such issues . . . . .


Well, I guess the issue is even worse in places with high levels of illiteracy, where the women have no voice whatsoever. I tell you most of these women are 30 and they look 60. They are treated little better than animals.


The question I've always had for women involved in this kind of relationship is that didn't you see any trace of violence in his character before dating/marrying him ?

As in I evaluate my friends more by how they relate with others than their behaviour towards me. For example, how was he relating to his siblings, friends, neighbours, subordinates ? I know definitely he must have been nice to you at first but was he brash to others ?

Or is it possible for a perfectly calm and easy going young man to turn to a monster after marriage ?