₦airaland Forum

Barefaced lies!

Nice one.

A772:
�you don't understand all I have written up here, anyways thanks for your opinion.
How will I relate it to my husband family that my father dosnt want an introduction nor marriage. Make we just gather ourselves go court. Haba, its ridiculous. Some wont support it. They will use it against me in the future.

I understand because many communities do not recognize a woman whose bride price was not paid as a wife and some would even taunt the woman of sneaking in through the backyard.

Most of these NANS members will end up as professional politicians.

I hope she spends some time in prison and not regarded as a family matter that they would be told to go home to resolve.

Parents who give out their minors as househelps should be arrested also. Have the number of children you can comfortably care for, they would refuse to hear that.

A child can not just be discarded like a piece of paper, go back home to Mbano with your daughter this Christmas, moreover you guys are celebrating iwa akwa this year and let both families know about your daughter's existence as no one will kill any of you for having her. Yes, relatives will feel angry about hiding the pregnancy and the eventual birth but they would come around as your daughter is their blood.

In fact, Oshiomhole compiled the list of those to be appointed commissioners in Edo in his sitting room in 2016. Asides from picking the governor, he also picked his deputy and the SSG.”.....Cowards why weren't they bold enough to say this in 2016?

ZIMDRILL:
i get your point

but is that when you marry in most african traditions you follow what the father -in -law be say or what their says

so in this case the father in law has said a court wedding suits him well its unfortunately culture and tradition ties us down sometimes when one request our of the norm like in this case

in my own country of zimbabwe i have heard stories and last week my own cousin was forced to follow what the in laws want aka he went through the traditional marriage process, but they wouldnt let him take his wife. why? there request was we release our daughter to you via a white wedding

And my cousin had no choice but to find a near date to wed so he have his wife

like someone said her ex and his family are more of a traditional belief and her own father is more of liberal person

In my tribe in Nigeria, the non payment nor reception of bride price puts the couple in a tough position as children from such relationship are not regarded to belong to the man but the woman's family and that's why should the man die, the man's family would still come to the woman's family to do the necessary traditional rites before they can claim the children for their late brother.

The man is not liberal but dealing with the shame that he has not achieved anything with his life, does it look like he has a home where he can invite the prospective in-laws to come to? That's why he said that the introduction and wedding proper is hinged on his daughters making sure he becomes financially comfortable so that he can have something to show off to the in-laws.

ZIMDRILL:
you are mixing things like her

me from the reading i have understand were anger is coming from and the blame of not having a better life, but lets be serious you cant get up 32-35 year and still blame your parents

if you have noticed where your parents went wrong, what have you done yourself to improve your own situation ? dont get me wrong from her own story what the father did was wrong in not supporting and looking after his children but what has the girls done to improve their own lives ?

the father never denied her to be married, the father only put an approval to a registry wedding than a traditional one

whereas her ex, a traditional wedding is more important than what the father is suggesting

You know many in Nigeria believe that traditional wedding is the sign of acceptance of both families. Most families feel that when bride price has not been paid nor received, the couple are just merely cohabiting. For the father, the family has enabled him too far with his delusion of grandeur which is explained as thus: A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one's own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

He can't be holding his daughters to ransom with his wickedness and selfishness, that he will not traditionally marry them out until he becomes rich, I hope you did not skip where she wrote "He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper"...what a failure of a father!

The best in the present situation is for the OP and her sisters to get involved with men who alongside the men's families will be comfortable with just a court and church wedding without the traditional and cut off from their father for he has nothing positive to contribute to their lives as he has proven to be toxic.

ZIMDRILL:
sister your story is very simple to solve

let me break it down

1 the break up of your father and mum filled you with the anger torwards your father and whatever good he does it doesnt wipe off what you went through with your mother

2 your father is indirectly protecting you but you dont see it, because of the anger and also you dont how powerful a court wedding aka registry wedding versus a traditional wedding, in simple terms if you have a court wedding and divorce one day you are protected by law to share what you both aquired during the period of marriage and not even divorce but death

3 A traditional marriage, leaves you vulnerable to due to most african tradition were the family of the late husband would grab everything you built with your late husband

4 Am not saying traditional should be done, but both you, your ex and you didnt understand the role these type of marriages play in our lifes, let me explain for most african tradition no white/registry wedding happens before the traditional wedding, what do we mean by traditional wedding we mean the whole process of introduction to the actual paying of dowry and the celebration party, all those process bring the two families together and witness and acknowledge that your marriage, then from that point you can go ahead to do a white wedding because the traditions have been done,

Usually those who do a white before a traditions wedding means there is something not right

5 Your ex he believed more into a traditional wedding nothing wrong with that, its his beliefs or how he was taught to say if there is no traditional marriage then its not marriage, but one main thing from your father, he ok for you to marry he only values the registry marriage because its protects you

Let's be blunt and truthful, the father is no way indirectly protecting her! I hope you didn't skip where she wrote that her 2 elder sisters who are between the ages of 32-35 are unmarried and probably because of the mess of their father's life. I recall posting somewhere about a secondary school classmate of mine whose father abandoned her and her sister with their mother. She said it from the onset that her father will not even get a kolanut on top of her head and she kept to it, now married to a Dutch and with kids. It is her father and his family that have been requesting she comes home to formalize her marriage traditionally and she told them she is not interested as they have no blessings to give as people who rejected them as children

The father is really a case! School e no go, handwork e no learn but busy blaming his wife for his failures as a man and a father.

Truth be told, any parent who neglected his/her child has no blessings to give

Cool.

The travel section has really helped many Nigerians to travel out.

Good for the economy of state.

ocmarion:
I dont even want the marriage no more she just doesnt want to leave , i have tried involving families in the past it doesnt work

If you are based in the West, you know it is the man who usually leaves the house not the woman, likewise gets custody of the children being minors while you make provisions for their upkeep but the only way you can get primary custody of the kids is if you can prove beyond doubt in court that your wife is mentally unstable and have a certified psychological assessment to back it up and her being the primary caregiver of the kids exposes them to danger physically and emotionally.

Conceptman:
Until we know the real developer

Whoever the developer is irrelevant as the most important thing is Nigerians get hired to work on site and structures are delivered while at the end of the day, students get to live in a conducive environment.

Good development.

From what I have read, your marriage is still salvageable. Seek for a professional marriage counsellor who can be helpful because you and your wife will not be talking to a friend, a neighbour or even a family member. This is helpful because the therapist does not have a personal bias in the decisions you or your wife will make whereas family members and friends often do have vested interest in how your decisions impact them.

A nice development

cocolacec:
Thanks

You are welcome.

Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) is an organisation under Lagos state Government committed to ensuring total eradication of Sexual and Gender Based Violence in the State. I think this government agency would be of a help, so get in touch with them.

slimjohn2k5:
Some dad are so secretive like my dad.
I am now 33yrs old 34 next month and I have never seen his signature. Apart from that he never discuss his properties of which he has alot. There was a time I asked the price of land in the village because he has many, the answer I got was do u want to buy land.

Should I be worried?

Haven't you ever seen a cheque or a document he signed?

Not wanting to sound offensive but I believe this below captures what you posted about your dad.
"Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is one of a group of conditions called "Cluster A" personality disorders which involve odd or eccentric ways of thinking. People with PPD also suffer from paranoia, an unrelenting mistrust and suspicion of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious'.

The word "force" is not a healthy verb in a marriage.

Beautiful

LordKO:
Submission shouldn't be equated with subservience. It's very obvious that you, just like many others, have erroneous understanding of what submission in this context is and what it entails. Maybe I have to blame the obvious misconception on its ambiguity. Yes, I'm a proponent of submission, but with a sure different, not necessarily superior, understanding of what it's and what it entails.

Submission, just like love which is its variant, is encompassing. It's a compound word that literally has no meaning on its own without its constituents (good attributes like selflessness and meekness). It's a compound feminine word that denotes feminine goodness, just as love is a compound masculine word that denotes masculine goodness too, all in the context under discussion - neither submission nor love is a sign of weakness and neither of them is inferior nor superior to each other. They just differ in nomenclatures and application - just as males and females are equal as human beings but differ biologically. Only few women possess its attributes and can give genuine version of it - every woman can give a fake version of it in many guises to any man subject to circumstances.

So, it's wrong to forcefully assert that "A man must decide how he wants his home to be run." - what's conscientious and palatable is that a man must have a sound moral philosophy on which he can walk and work with his wife. The philosophy must be sound I say, because real submission works spontaneously with real love - only sane men can love genuinely, just as only sane women can submit genuinely.

A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way - authority is different from authoritarianism. A sane wife is expected to submit to the authority of a sane/loving man, she's not expected to submit to authoritarianism - only servile women (people) can condone authoritarianism in any setting - strive to be a leader rather than an authoritarian/dictator. Right without responsibility equates to mental parochialism.

Actually, authoritarianism doesn't know gender; there're both authoritarian men and women with penchant for subjugation as their major hallmark - hello to chauvinistic and inhumane men and women; wannabe alpha males and wannabe feminists. Of course, I don't hold brief for servile people also.

It's not only African men who expect submission from their women, only wannabes of the West have such erroneous thought. Show me a marriage anywhere in the world where both spouses mutually and genuinely have inner peace and I'll show you a genuine loving man and a genuine submissive woman.

I doff my hat for humane,sane,conscientious,strong-minded and altruistic men and women.

"only sane men can love genuinely, just as only sane women can submit genuinely".......Well captured

Has he been taken to see an oncologist?

DaddyGngeess:
Yes oo, why u asking?

Ihitte amaa-asa ezegwu wu ishi.

DaddyGngeess:
My kins man..Rip bro, death is only the beginning..

Are you from Ihitte?

No signed document to prove receipt nor bank transfer, the only way the guy will admit receiving the money is when he has been "sieved" by the Nigerian police.

Casemiro:
I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from.




The nature of our jobs can sometimes make the family duties we are supposed to carryout suffer.


I don't support husbands cheating, but let's face reality.




Inside life, and in Africa, men are always the pacesetter and leader of the home.


women should support their husbands and live in harmony.



like I said, I don't support men cheating on their wives, but in reality some men do!


The society won't frown much at it, but reverse is the case for a woman.



A female created a thread asking why men never forgive a cheating partner, and if you have gone through that thread you will have a little understanding of how men are designed.



So wouldn't it be better for the man to reduce the heat and plan a better occupation for the wife? An occupation that would make her have time to build the family and reduces to the nearest minimum her chances of cheating?


Mind you, it's not insecurity like some think above. The truth is that these things do happen!

At first it starts as ordinary colleague, but we are humans and have feelings.


I've read countess threads here where women used anonymous monickers to seek for advice because they have been cheating on their husbands. 90 percent of such cases are career women working in coporate offices.



The truth is that they never ever wanted to cheat on their husbands, but when it lead to it, they didn't just do it once or twice, they kept on doing it codedly.






The fact is that we are humans and as mentioned before, these things happen everyday! Would you lock up a priest with a lady all because you trust him?



let me pause here.


All I'm saying is that a faithful wife will remain faithful no matter what, but a career oriented faithful wife will be exposed to more temptations to cheat on her husband compared to a faithful housewife or work at home mum..

So the summary of the whole thing is "how to restrict the chances of a wife from cheating"! Reality is be it man or woman, anyone who has made up his/her mind to be promiscuous, there is always a way to actualize it.

Casemiro:
what do you suggest

I suggest nothing, a woman should not be restricted from legally earning a living to be able to financially contribute to the upkeep of the family or do we have husband-friendly occupations?

Can a widow whose late husband left her and their children with nothing be assessing "wife-friendly" means of livelihood?

All na part of hustling, sycophancy pays.