serubawon:

My little advice? Please tell your uncle that it's a situation where the pain never goes away. However, God gives you the grace to bear the pain better day by day. It does get easier, but it never feels that way initially. What helped me was that I remembered a passage in the bible, Ephesians 5:20 which says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ". It's not easy to thank God for a tragedy. On the other hand, you feel like accusing Him for allowing it to happen. However, when you think about it, I'm sure your uncle found it difficult to bear watching his wife go through all that pain and I'm sure he didn't want her to continue in that pain. The pain he feels now is the pain of her not being around and it makes you both sad and angry. God has a way of consoling people in different ways. The 1st thing is to accept the fact that she is gone and is NEVER coming back. Secondly, he has to release her, which is extremely hard to do. God's grace is more than sufficient, but it takes time for the wounds to heal. I've been widowed for about 6 years now and I still remember how happy I was with her. I'm not really sad anymore, but at least I can look back and thank God for the opportunity of her being a part of my life. I see her in my kids everyday, but whether I like it or not, I have to move on and that is the next step I'm trying to take (that's not easy either). Tell him to talk about her whenever he wants to. It helps a lot. Also tell him to begin thanking God for even taking her away. He'll be surprised at the way the healing process will speed up. Finally, he has to stop blaming God for whatever happened. Nobody can blame God for anything.

I talk to a lot of widowers and I've found out that experience is the best teacher (sometimes too painful). However, only someone who has passed through that pain can understand what it takes to offer comfort to another. I pray that your uncle will find happiness and peace after all this. Trust me, it's very possible. He just has to trust in God and He will see him through.

Hi Serubawon,

I am well. Good to hear from you too. How are your children? Are they liking Houston? I love Houston and should be there in September. As to my uncle, he is ooooo sad and yes, very angry. Some days he looks like he can fight the world. Then the next minute he looks like he will cry a river of tears. Another family friend told him to keep thanking God. He just said, "that just don't work." I am afraid he will drown in alcohol. He drinks more now and I have never lost a spouse so how can I console him?

I talked to him about how I met my ex (the widower I was planning on marrying--we broke up, but hey, life goes on) and all that he went through losing his wife. My uncle is blessed in that his kids are now grown. I told him he could find love again and live again but first I hoped he would take time out to heal. He has not said it but I believe he is angry with God. Many people tell you not to be mad at God but I believe sometimes this anger is normal. We are finite beings struggling to understand the will of an infinite God. Our minds do not know His ways. I pray my uncle will turn to God first to find the solace only He can give and then, in the fullness of time, the love that God gives to men through women.

@ likeme

Thank you for your prayers and your simple solution.

I know this thread is very, very, very old now and I apologize for bring it back to life. However, my favorite uncle (he is only 7 years older than I am) lost his wife of 30 years. They married when they were barely out of their teens and it is like we all grew up together. He was blessed with a very good life and three children from her. All of the children are grown. She died from cancer and it was a horrible, slow and painful death. His wife died in May and I fear my uncle will drown in sorrow. He loved her so much and whenever I see him he is moments from crying. To make matters worse, two weeks after his wife died, we found out that my grandfather (my uncle's father) had terminal bladder cancer. My grandfather has deteriorated so rapidly it is unbelievable. It is just too much for my uncle and whenever he visits my grandparents, he has to leave the room to cry. I know it is because he just went through this with his beloved wife. We are all encouraging him to go to grief counseling but he has refused. Are there any suggestions from you NLs? Thanks in advance.

every lady must know her husband and what he will allow and what he won't. She should also know how to persuade him when need be to get what she needs.

@ Siena, I love your post because it reflects the scripture's view. I'm not trying to downplay or take from mom's role. Her role is different from wifey. She's done all to love and raise her child. But God likens husband and wife to Christ and the church. Christ gave His life for His bride. Parents are revered, yes, no doubt, but husband and wife are ONE FLESH. Now in this example, we have a foolish wife. She ought to have kept her mouth shut while the man was grieving. She should have tended to him and provided the comfort to him he needed. The man spoke out of his pain and grief and decorum should have ruled the day. However, his words were not wise. They should be excused because of the circumstances they were uttered in but the two roles are not to be compared. Both share similar duties during the man's life but they are two distinct roles. Only wife is the rib, not mama.

10 years is very long. It appears they are not telling you all.

Submission does not mean subordinate. If you are submissive, you just recognize his authority. Any creation with two heads is a monster. There can only be one head. Support it well.

I didn't read all comments but I will throw my 2 cents in. Forgive me if this has been expressed already. The wife was foolish not to ignore the statement made by her grieving and heart broken husband. That was her time to lovingly offer the consolation that only a wife can give. The husband too was foolish not to consider he is a married man and to not use comparative terms in describing mum. No role can compare to the role played by mom and nothing compares to the role of wife. But the man should remember how God compares marriage repeatedly in the scriptures to that of Christ and His church. For this cause shall a man LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND CLEAVE UNTO HIS WIFE. Nowhere in the bible do you see this high elevation of parent and child like you see husband and wife. I'm just saying,

These are African American but remind me of some I've read here: 1. It's a mighty bad wind that don't never change. 2. It's mama's baby but daddy's maybe. 3. It's a po' (poor) frog that don't praise his own pond. 4. You don't believe fat meat is greasy (mostly told to kinds meaning u r so disobedient that u don't heed my warnings. u don't even believe obvious things like the fact that fat meat is greasy) 5. A hard head makes a soft behind. 6. an empty wagon makes a lot of noise. 7. Every tub must stand on its own bottom.

a package of graham crackers. it was clearly a part of a big box that he had already eaten.

When it comes to sexual matters, people lie.  What does being a 'fine upstanding man' have to do with anything.  We all have known men who have been the very image of propriety and when it came to the underside of a woman's skirt, they would do whatever they could for a taste. 

Outstrip:

If you confront the man he will lie about it. You just have to get more evidence somehow. You also have to let your maid understand that you are solidly behind her. That will give her the confidence to tell the man to respect his old age the next time he tries to touch her

I totally agree you should let her know you are behind her but how do you get more evidence?  He may never do it again but in my experience, men who do these types of things are clever.  They ensure no one sees or hears them except for the person they desire to spoil.

chaircover:

I know this goes against all reasonable logic but my womanly intuition and gut feeling tells me that the maid is telling the truth.

Me too.

tkjoke:

@ poster, I wonder why your maid lied to the man about reporting to you.
What was her mission exactly?
To encourage him to still try his luck or what? You need to really confirm her story before taking any action.

The maid is in a position of weakness as an employe and not a household member.  Thank God she trusts u enough to tell you.  She does not know what may happen with this man if she angers him.  She does not have the security of having a father or brother or uncle to be her covering.  I would have lied to him too in order to protect myself in case he reacted badly.

@OP, This is very tricky.  I would still try to gently encourage hubby to take action but I would not want to anger him or make him feel I was nagging or controlling him.  You know that men may not agree with what other men do, but they have a strong "no snitch and mnd your own business" code of ethics with one another.  I would probably keep quiet for now but give him stern looks and not be so friendly when he comes over.  Nothing rude, but enough to show my feelings for him have cooled a bit.  He will get the message.  If it happenens again, go to hubby first but, if he does not confront him the next time, then you will be forced to tell him hands off!

coolier:

Oh! I finally summed up the courage to call him and you know what? he's not a ghost after all. We're becoming good friends and getting to know each other, we mail, chat, exchange photos and talk on the phone from time to time and as we do not live in the same country, we plan on meeting again some place this summer.

That is wonderful! I knew he was a gift to you from our Lord! How sweet the father is to give you another piece of your late father and beloved brother, no matter the circumstances of his birth.

Any update on this saga?

efosanice:

this story is so not complete, what happened what did you do ? people don't naturally hate others because they failed. i have lost a lot of things but people around me have even encouraged me and been with me, so say what the issue is. however i recommend you read joel osteen's become a better you, and be strong.

Wow, judgment, judgment, judgment.  OP, this reminds me of the story of Job and his "miserable comforters."  Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon asking "what did he do?" and "The story is not complete" and "He must have sinned."  They did the same to Job and he was perfect and upright.  He feared God and shunned evil.  Also, people do hate others sometimes when they fail.  Some people hate you for your success and the rejoice over your failure.  I went through what you are going through right now.  I have still not fully recovered but I now see there is a purpose in everything I have suffered.  Take heart!  Remember the story of Joseph and that what the enemy meant for evil, God purposed for your good.  Keep yourself from evil and from negative people.  Do not render evil for evil.  Do good to them who would harm you.  Keep your heart clean and do not focus on the suffering.  Also, I do not know how you feel about this, but a mental health professional, along with carefully prescribed, MILD antidepressants can be an effective tool in helping you become healthy.  You can do it short term and it may help you greatly.  Finally, I do not know how it is in Nigeria, but though I am a Christian woman, here in the US, I would not advise you to seek spiritual counselling alone. Though men and women of God mean well, sometimes they are not always adept at assisting with depression.  They are great on marriage and family counselling but with depression and other mental issues, they are not always well trained and I have seen some do more harm than good.  I wish you all the best and pray the God of all comfort will see you through.

When I was a very young lady (about 21 or so), my best friend had an abortion and I accompanied her to the clinic. Neither of us were born again and I did not think of the procedure as murder. The abortion broke her relationship with the guy and she moved on. Maybe two years later, we both accepted Christ. Though we did not speak on the abortion, I know it caused her much anguish, shame and guilt. She stayed single and celibate for 17 years until God sent her a wonderful loving husband. She only recently talked a small bit about the abortion. I believe it took her years to forgive herself. I know u were traumatised by this too and that u must feel u were a partaker in this but do not blame her because you chose to help her through this. And please remember, you have no idea the depth of suffering shse is going through. I do not mean to sound harsh but please examine your heart in this. Your topic is "What's Your Opinion About My Friend." It appears you are looking for people to condemn her so you won't feel bad for condemning her yourself. When people need to assess and judge others' actions, it is usually because they have undealt with shortcomings yourself. I know you feel bad for your part in this, but blame yourself for your own actions, seek God for your forgiveness in assisting in this grave deed and then your heart will be free to love this friend as she so desperately needs at this time. If you can't do this, please don't matters worse by betraying her trust. If you must talk at all, you can do it on this forum where you are nameless and not with people who share friendship with this girl. She will suffer untold shame from your actions. But most of all, let us remember that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God and let she among us that is without sin cast the first stone.

chaircover:

LOL

It wasn't rocket science though; Mr & Mrs Average don't suddenly start to sweat & have sleepless nights about their partners previous escapades especially as they knew about it all BEFORE they got married.

It was either he was having an affair or his wife has given him reason to suspect her. Very simple.

So all this Drama about people being rude an unhelpful is exactly what it is . . . . . .DRAMA . Some people just dont like being told the truth end of.

As always Chaircover, well reasoned and well said. Girl, you are a wise and respectful lady.

Another 'outed' hypocrite bites the dust.

FL Gators:



Thank you!!!!!

I saw one like this at Wal-Mart yest. . . . and it was actually a white man Always copying our culture, reforming it, then turning back and callig it "ugly". Useless white pigs.

The white man is good for "reforming" everything. However, in this instance, I don't think they care if black women carry babies on the back. We give them too much credit.

I am a western lady too.  I have no problem fixing a plate for my husband and did it all the time when we were married.  I even served him in bed if he had been working hard.  I am from the southern US and among blacks, when I grew up, this was the norm.  Men could also fix their plates but "good" wives would serve their husbands, especially in public.  Now, I dated white guys and I must say, though they are attentive, I never had one running to serve me at the end of the day.  In my experience, all men are men and want attention.  We are admonished by our Lord to do this:
Ephesians 5:
22.  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24.  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Submission is not hard.  Women, we just need to find a man to love us and submission is easy.  Choose well.

My dear NL Christian brothers and sisters:

I was so surprised when I first read a few words on this post a few days ago.  When first I read the post, I was reminded of a popular saying here in the US, that there is a sucker born every minute.  I am an American Christian woman and do not believe this story at all.  I am sure that many will criticise me and still more will say that I do not understand because I am not African.  Well, I am African American and I have grown up with equally fantastical stories in my community.  I do believe in miracles and have seen God perform them; however, God, as someone pointed out, is not the author of confusion.  Even Jesus performed miracles, and, as has been stated before, admonished the parties to show themselves to the priests.  After Jesus ascended, he showed himself to the disciples to prove he lived.  His miracles were establised by infallable proofs.  That is the beauty of Christianity.  We serve a God who not only performs miracles but who also says to "try him" and to "prove him."  Do not jump on the people who seek to question the validity of these so-called miracles.  If it is God's doing, He is full able to show himself strong to all who wish to know the truth.  I just wanted to offer a few scriptures which I think merit perusal by the faithful in this instance:

Hosea 4:6 - My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

I John 4:1 - Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

You do not have to agree with me on my view that this story is fake, but all Christians should view this in light of God's word and "let God be true, but every man a liar (a portion of Romans 3:4)." Oh, and dI do believe the story of Sarah, so I believe God can do all, I just do not believe this story.

I cannot believe these items are reported as "news."

Until they BOTH go to the doctor, no one knows if infertility lies with the woman, the man, or both. Any number of things could have rendered either of them infertile and neither may know it. This could happen irrespective of either party's virginity or lack thereof. They both need full medical exams. However, I tend to think that even if the woman is proven fertile and the man is proven infertile, people will still blame and accuse the lady of wrongdoing.

I'm AA and I love NL and Africans

Not all women long for a husband but most women long for a husband and most men long for a wife. Women long for a man because woman was made for man and not the other way around. It was not good for man to be alone, so God made man an helpmeet. Women long for husbands to be in God's order of things. By the way, I fasted 7 days when I wanted a hubby and I'm American. Many women the world over fast for the blessing.

I advised that you tell him because it was clearly God's will that you meet, especially since you grieved so much over your late brother. Take him as a gift from God. Neither of u has sinned.

email him and tell him your story