₦airaland Forum

This lady's original post and responses are classic battered woman's views.  Please dear, do whatever you can to save your life!  It is okay to love someone, but not to the point that you are willing to lose your own life in the process.  If the man beats you to death, what love will either of you have?  I would call the cops in and I would leave him.  Tell them he has your passport and stay in a battered women's shelter until you can get your own place.  Please know there is nothing that you can do to "provoke" him enough to warrant this type of beating.  

If the man goes to jail over his atrocities to you, that is not your problem.  His behavior toward you caused this and not anything you did.  Please stop blaming yourself.  You can never be good enough or love him enough to change him.  You can only change yourself and you realize your value and worth to yourself first and not to him.  You are worthy of so much more than to be beaten day and night!  Please dear, work out an escape plan so that your parents won't have to bury you before time.

Also, the original topic was "Ladies, Is This An Excusable Reason For A Woman To Cheat On A Faithful Man". I humbly submit that faithfulness is more than mere sexual fidelity. Faithfulness encompasses your truth to me in all areas and a refusal to marry over 17 years is hard for a woman to bear. Now, she was dead wrong for violating the relationship with the other man. However, he bears some responsibility too. I would have left the guy before bedding another though. I am sure she got some gain for all these years. It is all so sad.

I missed the akata comment.  We sure get a bad rap among Nigerians.  In affairs of the heart, there is usually more than enough blame to go around.  She was wrong to cheat on him, but, he was so wrong to keep a woman he professed to love waiting for 17 years.  I would wonder what was wrong with me that I was not good enough to bear your name for all those years?  I can share your bed and your home but not your name?  Pastors here say this all the time.  A man is required to buy a license to own a dog but that same man will not buy a license to make you his wife.  Am I not more valuable to a man than a dog?  Seventeen years is a long time and those years can never be replaced.  I feel sad for the man, but they both are the authors of this story.  

@ Sistawoman, even if they meet the test of common law marriage in Texas, who would want a man unwilling to formalize his commitment to you in public before God and man?  If you value me, let the world know it. Seventeen years of shacking with no legal commitment and no legal protections is a game I am not willing to play.

There are so many things I have learned on Nairaland. Unfortunately, not all have been good. I hate that when there are disagreements, especially when a woman is involved, the discussion turns to a list of insults about physical appearance. Cute and ugly have little to do with our day to day existence. Can we please stop this madness? Why all the venom toward a person we don't know and in all likelihood never meet? Why not build one another? We dont have to agree but let us desist from tearing each other down.

Wow, I have heard of laadies doing that since I was a girl here in the USA

Please forgive my ignorance but I must ask. Do they not teach biology in Nigeria in middle school? By 12 years old all children should know the MAN'S sperm determines the sex of the child. The poster should invest in eduucating himself before attempting to marry and sire any other ignorant and misguided progeny.

@ Iya: You should be scared, I dont care how good a father he is. I can recount many stories I hav heard in my practice. Again, I think u shd be proactive and seek counsel in your state. Again, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THIS MAN! Again, if you want to know specifically what I fear for you, get at me and we can arrange private conversations. Again, you are on dangerous ground. It does not Have to go bad but this stuff has the potential to go bad in a hurry. You don't want your daughter to be used as a tool against you.

@ Iyakadijat: The things he is saying now is what I alluded to on the other thread. You don't know this guy and child custody issues, at least in my state, can be serious. Please, never turn your back on this guy and get your baby asap.

Even if he had married her, this joker probably would never have paid the bride price. He would have gone to the courthouse to marry.

Bless them that curse you. Pray for them that despitefully use you,

Dear Iyakadijat: Please be very careful at this time. You are still very vulnerable and that is to be expected. But please make sure you do not look for affirmation in a new guy b/c it can result in a false sense of security 4 u. After all is over it can condemn you to repeat past patterns and cycles. Take time for you and learn to do your loving from the inside out and not outside in. See this time as a time for convalescence and rehab. Enjoy it but eeep you first. Other guys take time from you. Be selfish about loving you right now. Treat yourself like you are dating/marrying yourself. If you do this you will never accept less again. It is a learning process. Best wishes!

Some thoughts to ponder: 1. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. 2. Ye that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. 3. Judge not lest ye be judged. 4. God will cast our sins into the sea of forgetfulness. If God has forgiven this woman the sins of her past, why can this man accept this woman, There is now no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit. If this lady has renounced this act how can this man be a partaker? This act is past, not present. If you love her accept her. Make sure you dont become a hypocrite. Just b/c this was not your sin, you are guilty of something. Let no man think more highly of himself than he ought.

Aren't you the same man who started the 'Affair Affair' thread about an affair with a lady you met on a plane? Man, how many women do you need? Did your everyday sex babe know you were married when you started up with her? I hope you will leave these women alone and seek counseling not just for the wife but for YOU. Dude, you are messed up and selfish.

Real talk from the lst 2 posters!

JJYOU: Per your request: Black brother I love ya, I'll never try to hurt ya, I want ya to know that I'm here for you forever true, @ OP and others, we should put aside generalities and focus on learning and loving one another. If you focus on negatives, you attract negatives. Focus on love and positives, you get positives.

@ OP-You need to ask yourself about why the black American women are so resistant to YOU. If we are all hoes, as you say, you should have much success if your pockets are fat. Anyway, your generalities are unfair and unfounded. Start looking in better places like grad school functions, theaters, churches, black charities to find a better class of lady. Leave the clubs and parties alone. @ No2Atheism: real talk my brother. I have dated white b4 but even with all the negatives said about my African Amer bros being poor husbands and dads, and about my African/Nigerian guys being 419ers and controllling and about my Caribbean guys being womanizwers, I LOVE MY BLACK MEN ABOVE ANY RACE. I'm like Angie Stone's song Black Brother, I luv ya!

@JJYOU, yours is the truest post yet imo. We all will reap what we sow. My grandma says if you sow the wind, you will reap the whirlwind. We all get repaid with far more than the seed we put in the ground.

Dear Iyakadijat: Sweetheart, I know you started this thread as a way to vent and for support and prayers. I believe many ppl here are giving that. Many others are also doling out blame to u 2. Some have given contructive criticism to help u analyze and move on. Others r just mean for whatever reason. Remember that what matters is U. U don't have to keep defending yourself. U know what happened, why and how. Keep what u can use, discard what u cant and use what u have 2 move on and thrive. Baby girl, I want u 2 win this. Remember u r a winner and no 1 can hurt u unless u allow it 2 b so. Be in it 2 win it.

IyaKadijat:
Thank you for your concern, but I highly doubt he can or even has the ability to do something like that. I still hold all his business dealings, correspondence and clients-so it wouldn't be wise for him financially. Even to today he depends on me to run his business and can't do something as simple as talk to his attorney regarding business matters-that has always been my role. And the cool thing about being with someone for so long is that you were their confidant-I got so much dirt on him, they would revoke his citizenship and deport his behind if he EVER tried to play me that way!

Trust me, I am thinking more clearly now than I have ever in the past 8 years. The only reason my daughter is with him is because he left me with very little money and my 1st paycheck isn't for 2 weeks, so frankly I don't have enough gas money to bring her back and forth to school plus make it to and fro work everyday as of yet. Plus, while I live a good 15 minute drive from her school, he lives right around the corner.

She will be back home in 19 days-that's when school is out for the summer.

Sweetheart, I am not saying that you don't know this guy, but let's review a little: 

1.  You met him at 21.  He was 33.  He was older and misused your trust.  I am sure he is probably the only man you have really known at 21.  At 21, I am sure you gave your all to this relationship.    The reason you were not able to see what was happening to you was because he endeared himself to you at an age before you were worldly and wise.  Please know that your perception of him is partly based upon what he did to you at such a young age.  I know you feel you know him, but his actions in recent weeks should tell you that you only know what he let you know.  You hardly know this man at all.  Make sure that you make every decision with this fact in mind.

2.  You lived with him at a very young age.  I know that you felt he is your Baba, and that he also was like your husband.  I have no doubt that you were like a wife to him.  But know this and remind yourself of this one fact.  He was NOT your husband.  Did you ever wonder why he never married you after 8 years and a baby?  I am not trying to pour salt in the wound or make you feel poorly about yourself, but I am trying to get you to see things plainly.  Stop acting like this man ever did anything for you without an ulterior motive.  I am not saying that there was not care and consideration on some level; but remind yourself that he had to have been calculating these things all along.  This will help you not to fall back into feeling sorry for him.  Why did you have to pick him up at the car rental facility?  I know your daughter is there now, but hey, did he think of your being or the well being of your daughter when he brought his wife here?

3.  He has played on your view of yourself as a "nice" person to do his dirty work.  You state that this wife of his can not speak English and you helped enroll in a class for this.  He picked you for your youth and your kindness.  He used you as a tool.  He does things to you banking on the fact that you will not strike back.  I know you have changed all the passwords and that you all have struck an agreement regarding his business.  I understand why you two did this, but dear, did you receive a salary while running his business?  I can guarantee you did not.  Do you think that you were/are not worthy of remuneration for all the work you have done to date?  Even if he loses your work in the business and has to hire someone to take over your responsibilities, he has gotten a windfall from you for all the years of service he has received from you in this business. Why are you begging pennies from him when you kept up with the adminstrative end of the business? He OWES you more than this. Why are you begging when his wife comes here and gets designer clothes off the sweat of YOUR brow?  He did this to you because he knew you would think this was the "right" thing to do, all the while knowing he was wrong.

4.  All this being said, do you really think he believes that you would use the dirt you have on him to go to immigration?  I am not saying that you won't go there if you have to, but dear, he will never really think you will do it.  He has operated all along based upon his belief that you will go along with what is "nice" or "right." 

5.  One last thing you must consider, you stated that you grew up without your dad.  I believe this probably helped you to choose this older man at such a tender age in the first place.  I am from a divorced home myself, and though we saw my father all the time, it is not the same as having him there.  It makes you look for a replacement in a man sometimes.  Please keep your head clear.  I am not telling you to keep your daughter from him but I am saying, use your head.

I am glad you are getting your strength back.  You are gonna need it.  You are in for the fight of your life.  Be real with yourself as to where you are.  I can recount numerous stories of people who thought they "knew" their significant others, but when it came to child custody issues, they found out they did not know one another at all.  I am pleading with you so that you will not  unwittingly cause yourself more heartache and pain. 

I really do wish you the very very best.  Please, PLEASE, get your daughter back asap.

Well, matters of child support in the US are legislated and I don't see how it is fundamentally wrong. The laws are in place because so many men (and women too) make the children and either do not support them, or only provide nominal support leaving the kids in poor conditions while they live very comfortably. Not all non-custodial parents do this, but large numbers of them do, thus warrantng these laws. Oh, and please note these laws are gender neutral so if dad has the kids and mom does not, mom must pay inline with her income.

Thanx for the kind words but the stress was from the r/s, not the job.

Now, I would like to respond as a woman and not as an attorney. You have asked repeatedly how you get past your hurt. This is not easy but very necessary for your healing and deliverance. Put your needs first dear. Unconditional love must first begin for yourself b4 you can really get past this. I am divorced from a man wo cheated on me. He did it so horribly and cruelly you would not believe it. I had been a good, loving submissive Chrisitian wife. I did not understand how my kindness was repaid with evil. First I allowed myself to feel my anger, but after I felt the anger and hurt I immediately asked for forgiveness. I prayed that God would forgive me for allowing myself to get into this r/s and for any wrong I may have done. Next, I asked for forgiveness for him for tearing our family apart and hurting me. Last I asked for forgiveness for the other woman who knowingly had an affair with my husband. I prayed this every time I tht about it, maybe 100 times a day. I also fasted and prayed every Friday.

@OP - I only read the 1st few responses and I had to reply. Someone else may have said this already, but dear, know this: you can not trust this guy at all. This being said, PLEASE GET YOUR DAUGHTER ASAP! The man could go to court and say you abandoned the child. There are many more things I could say. I am a TN attorney. You are not thinking clearly. If you would like to know more thoughts and fears I have for you, ask and we can arrrange a way for us to communicate privately. YOU ARE ON DANGEROUS GROUND!

In the US, the laws are written to try to ensure that in matters of child support the children's standard of living is brought in line with that of the parents.

Pregnancy is different for different women and different in the same woman with each pregnancy. I was pregnant only once and I lost the baby. I was sick EVERY DAY, all day, beginning on the 8th day after conception. It was the most miserable time of my life. I could barely work and I could only eat a few things. This went on for 4 months and then I lost the baby. No one uses pregnancy as an excuse. It can be miserable! I had fibroids that caused me to lose the baby. I also was under great stress. Go easy on your wife. How would you feel if she lost the baby due partly to stress from you?

I also think this was probably a hidden camera deal. Very wicked, very bad! He knew what was up all along since he didnt film his own face. He probably did it and held it in reserve just in case he got mad at her!

Black men are the same the world over. Nobody can beat them with the words. A guy in college used to write me letters filled with big words and song lyrics. This brought back memories. This letter also looks like it was written by an American jailhouse poet.

idupaul:
hmmmmm. but nuttin mite be happening btw the two of em

If nothing is happening btw the two of them, why is the guy so evasive about it. Why would he shun her? Why can't he come out and be truthful all the way with her?

I've dated white guys, black guys, both American and Nigerian, and I can honestly say I would pick, the nicest one and the one who liked me most (though I do have a preference for my black guy), Oh, I am an 'akata' lady and the white guys I dated made money on par with the black guys I dated. Men are all similar.

Fourthed

@ Keisha, I am an African American lady and do not meet ur requirements for bwing Igbo. However, as the guys have already said, it doesnt appear your problems are cultural at all. I a compelled to beg u to pls dont snoop on the voicemail. Nothing good can come it. Go along with your plan and keep your head clear. He voicemails can distract you.