The problem of mother in laws and daughters in law can be summed up like this : it's a love triangle. Two women are in love with the same man. However, as Fhemmy pointed out, it's the man's job to fix the situation.

I'm American and not raised to know Nigerian etiquette but if it happened to me I would just let it go because I want peace to reign in my home. Even if it was deliberate disrespect I would look the other way. I would not want to shame my husband and I would not want to add reasons for my husband's find fault with me. In laws are good at that already.

What do you have to offer your husband besides complaints?

I'm not Nigerian but all souls belong to God so I would think the church doors would be open to all babies whether or not they are born in marriage.

I wish u guys could make it but I am glad u both are being so respectful and mature.

What did he do wrong?

You are right. Writing this letter made me feel much better. It made me recognize that we both messed up and there's no need to blame myself. Also, I think I'll add a 'kiss my ass' just for the hell of it and because it's totally out of character for me.

I appreciate this thread. I feel much better.

Dont say sorry if you don't mean it.

Dear brand new ex, You hurt me. I hurt you. Neither intended it but it happened. I wish I could say good luck and all that but it's too new and I dont mean it yet. So, all I can say now is goodbye.

Meant to reduce friction during intercourse.

Young guys used to always approach me and I would blow them off. I met a white guy who was a colleague of mine and we dated 2 yrs. It was good. He just liked older black women.

good aint good enuff. Even Jesus said there was none good except the father.

He might not be having an affair but rather may be impotent and ashamed. You can't know what his 'problem' is if he refuses to communicate. Depriving you of your marital right is cruel. I would try to talk once more and if he refused, I would consider divorce because I wouldn't want an adulterous affair. I hope you can reconcile and get counseling though. I hate to see families split up.

FL Gators:

Nice points you made there.
I'm familiar with the fact that both men and women practice the abuse game.

I also know that law enforcements tend to arrest first, ask questions (interrogation), and collect evidence before convicting someone of a crime.

Maybe I should make my scenario a little clearer:
A woman is scratching her abusive husband whose intent is to rape her or harm her.
Yes, she'll get arrested, but she will not get charged or be required to complete an anger management course.
It's an act of defense.


Well, I think it depends on the level of the situation for the case to go a court.
Scratching does not require a court/jury verdict.

I only noted that scenario to illustrate that women do get arrested and charged with domestic abuse and that their possible arrest is another thing that may weigh on a victim's mind. I also wanted to point out that many of these ladies get into an "abuse/victim mentality" and are in love/hate/hope for the best relationship with the abusers. That was not quite the case with the illustration I gave; hwoever, I could give many many more. Bottom line for me: Domestic violence is reprehensible and the original poster wondered women don't speak out. I just wanted to show it is not always black and white and women the world over struggle with how to deal with an abusive relationship. It is awful and effects rich, poor, educated and illiterate alike. The woman I spoke of in my post is well educated and so is her husband.

BTW, though "scratching" does not require a jury verdict, it is always your right and your choice (in my state) to take any criminal offense to trial by jury for judgment by your peers. It is not done by "level" of offense. So, the scratch could end up before the jury just like the murder can.

FL Gators:

She scratched him first. Maybe her main goal was his balls or eyeballs or fragile body part

This lady scratched he r 5'10" 180 lb husband on the back.  She had long nails.

If it was an act of defense she wouldn't have been charged.

That is not necessarily true.  You are charged with a crime if there is probable cause to believe that a crime has been committed.  Charges may be dismissed against you or you may be acquitted or you may be found guilty.  Whether or not it was self defense is a matter for adjudication not a matter for "charging."  Also, the police in my state have more of an arrest first and ask questions later.  There have been many historical cases of domestic violence in this state and the police want no liability; so, again, they arrest MEN and WOMEN where there is evidence of ANY physical altercation.  If they can not ascertain who the aggressor is, the arrest both.  Now do not be deceived.  Men and women involved in violent relationships are hip to the "game."  The men know that all they have to do is say, "she hit me first" and the women get to go to the pokey just as quick as they do.  If you yell, "I was defending myself," and if there are no witnesses, IN MY STATE (which is all I can talk about as I am not familiar nor am I licensed in any other state), you both stand the risk of going to jail.  It happens often.  Now men still outnumber women by far in our domestic violence court.  However, please do not believe for one minute that women are not arrested.  This is my only point here.  Women are arrested for domestic violence against men in the US. 

Also, these victims and these men are often in a very troubling psychological cycle.  The men beat the women.  The women accept it until it gets unbearable.  They call the police and someone gets arrested.  Before the preliminary hearing date, the couple is  back together, even though they are ordered to stay apart after the arrest.  They pretend they are not living together even though they come to court in the same car.  If you try to stop them from being together, the woman will often get aggressive with you.  I have had a female victim's mother retain counsel for her daughter's abusive boyfriend.  It is crazy.  One friend here calls these couples the 3  Fs couples:  they only love fussing, fighting and f******.

Think what you will but I see this everyday. In my state, the state of Tennessee, laws r gender neutral and must be enforced in a gender neutral manner. I saw a 4'9" woman who weighed less than 100 lbs and was charged with domestic violence for scratching her husband. The husband called 911 and hung up. The police must respond to hang ups and when they got there they saw the man had been scratched. In my state, if there is evidence of physical violence, the police MUST make an arrest. The lady eventually got off with anger management but she was arrested. I saw another lady last month with a similar story. She called on the guy and the guy claimed she hit him. The police arrested both. Women get arrested in far less numbers but it does happen.

Domestic violence happens everywhere and the victims hide in silence. To their minds speaking out makes it worse because they dont always have resources leave and if they anger the man by telling they will surely be punished. Let me tell you how it goes in my state in the US. The man will beat the woman. The woman takes it until she fears serious injury. She sneaks and calls the police. The man goes to jail. If she fights back and scratches or even slightly injures the guy, she gets arrested too. Let's assume only the man gets arrested. The guy makes bail and goes home to the wife. He is told not to go home, but what man stays away from his home. He promises never to do it again. Court date comes. The lady doesnt show up so charges agst the husband are dropped. Next week he starts beating her again. She stays because she feels she has no help and no support. She even may call her brothers to deal with the man. When her family arrives and start trouble, she defends her no good husband. Her reasons r complex.

@ HOLLANDIS - Very clever

Dear poster: The scenario you describe has been going on since time immemorial all over the world. Boys ask girls to prove their love by giving their bodies to them when the correct standard of love should be the willingness of the man to wait. What more can you give a man when you have given him your body? You have nothing more to give after that. Why will he value your body if you do not respect yourself? Keep yourself for one who is worthy of your love: your husband. If you ask 100 women who did not wait until marriage if they were glad they gave away their virginity, none would answer "yes." Learn from our errors and be better than us. Please wait for the blessing. Work on yourself and enjoy life. You have time enough for sex. You can never regain virginity once it is gone. Be good.

It is sad she is doing this @ her age, but would people be as shocked if the man assaulted a woman at the same age? Her actions were wrong but I dont think a man would be viewed in the same light.

Ok, now that is different. I defer to those more experienced than I.

Honey, he can have 2 wives in the US and u not know it. Based on what you've said, it sounds like the only reason you suspect him is because he does business at home. That is not enough. Be happy until he gives you reason to suspect.

so u would rather have her fat from an unplanned baby than from pills? As to the IUD, there r definite risks. I have a friend who had it for yearss and is now infertile. Maybe she can get the shot.

I pray the peace of God will rain on you and free you from torment. I dont live in Maryland but some African American denominations believe in deliverance from spiritual possession. You may want to try Church of God in Christ, Holiness, Apostolic, Church of the Lord Jesus Christ or other AA pentecostal churches.

@ Godmother: that story you heard is based upon the biblical teaching some espouse regarding 'soul ties'. There is a story in the bible found in Genesis 34 where Jacob's daughter Dinah was raped by the sonn of the king. After the rape, the son's soul cleaved to her and he begged his father to get the girl for him. Well, Dinah's brothers tricked the prince and all the men into getting circumcised and while the men were healing, they attacked the city and killed every man there. The key regarding soul ties is that once the prince slept with the girl, he was obsessed with her and had to have her for himself. I have heard it taught that for each unlawful sex partner you should go and repent before God for freedom from the soul tie. At OP, if this the case, seek God for release from your sexual past. Go and sin no more.

u either love her enough to wait or u let her go.

I would respect that he waited and love him the more for it.

You are right, the guy can sue her in a civil action and prevail. That has nothing to do with criminal penalties.

If she's never been in trouble b4 and if the husband sustains no serious injuries she will probably get probation and anger management with some sort of counseling. She will probably see a short amount of jail time, if any at all.

@Fhemmy: I thought you guys could tell I was joking. I do not approve of relationship violence. And the violence was intended by the 67 yr old wife and not by me. I have never used grits, water, knives, bullets, slaps or anything else. I am like MJ: I'm a lover not a fighter.