Nigerian marriage is not yet 'a partnership'. Positions in the family are clearly defined and that's the reality. So if you call yourself the man, the head, you better be ready to foot the bills and keep quiet. Stop crying because the wife refused to give you money. If you've decided to be the king of the castle, 'your way or the highway' like many Nigerian husbands, why do you want to pinch out of your wife's purse?
Only men who are very useful doing the household chores, taking care of the kids and running kitchen errands should complain. Otherwise keep quiet and mind your station while she mind hers.

exactly my thought. A woman sharing her income like that puts into question the husband's title as provider/head of household although I don't agree that a woman should hide her income from her husband.

This thread is DUMB. They have different styles and are good at what they do. Why do you have to pit them against each other? They are both brilliant. No one is saying Olamide killed Davido's career or that D'banj killed Banky W's career or Femi Kuti killed Wizkid's career. So why does Yemi Alade have to "kill" Tiwa Savage. The throne is big enough to contain multiple artists across multiple genres and styles.

There are so many members on Nairaland and I was thinking today that in spite of AND because of our anonymity, there are opportunities to share some really unique stories here. Imagine this can be our enquirer or tabloid thread. Many of you have met celebrities and have heard stories that many others of us would love to listen to. please gist us.
It could be your own unique story of how you used to be or knew a yahoo yahoo boy, had an adventure attending 2face wedding, went to school with Genevieve's daughter or Fashola's son and all those really juicy gist or tea or stories (however you want to call it) that will perk our ears.
It could even be gist about other nairalanders as i'm sure there are some celebrities on here as well.

standd:
****
That said, Nigerian women are hardworking women. I live in Nigeria and I know this fact. I also know that SOME women have made themselves liabilities because they prefer to beg than to work. This Thread is for them. I am learning too as comments unfold.
Thank you.

This makes sense but your original post doesn't.
You should modify your original post and topic title "For Every Nigerian Woman/girl". It is very incorrect and misleading.

soulglo:

It shows a lack of intelligence. When people start to talk as if being physically strong makes them superior all I think about is a chimpanzee standing in the corner beating its chest.

Agreed. physically violent people are destructive to the fabric of society. the children watch and grow up to mimic this behavior .. and we breed the next generation in our image.

jaybee3:


We do have a mission statement and our strategic goals and plans are published on our page => https://www.nairaland.com/1315227/e-helpers-network-tehn-official-thread

Obviously there is always room for improvement and we welcome suggestions on our to make us better.

We always asses each individual case before taking it on board after which we set measurable targets to measure success at each stage of our agreed/published plan. I’m only highlighting this because you mentioned not seeing results which is factually incorrect. You can view some of the cases (Please focus on the summary report) we’ve been involved with on our page


We have long realised that our modus operandi which is slightly reactive might not be as effective as we would like but we are now putting systems/steps in place to address this.
Some of the steps we are putting in place is to:
1) Formal registration of the group as a charity organisation
2) Once we achieve the registration, we will then proceed to open a dedicated account that can be audited periodically when needed


Thanks for the feedback though

That's great! this is my first time hearing about this organization so I just posted my first impression from reading this thread.
seems like this organization is pretty solid from what you say and whatever issues there was probably has to do mostly with the state of healthcare system in Naija. I didn't think advanced cancer was something that's so difficult to detect until I read this thread. Again, it seems the healthcare system in Naija is the problem here and who knows as this organization grows bigger and stronger, it may end up contributing a lot in that respect as well.
kudos

what do you think of the idea of having maybe an annual fundraiser? or is money just raised on a case by case basis and balances (if any) carries over?

dinachi:
Everybody fights from their position of strength. Women get mouth, men get hand. Na so!

And this is why the world sees us as barbaric. Are you a primitive animal? Do you realize that we are in the 21st century and there are other ways to show your strength without resorting to physical violence? That is actually a sign of weakness to most civilized people when you cannot control your barbaric urge to be violent.

dinachi:
Throw away pride go to your husband in humility, ask for forgiveness and just listen to him talk about his frustrations with you. Don't interrupt,just pay attention and you will learn a thing or two.

Wonders will never end. Since when did being a wife turn into being a slave? This woman has enough self-respect and dignity that she will not stoop that low. Did you hear when she said she is making arrangement to move into another place with her kids? Does she sound like a slave to you or a woman with dignity.

You are a disgrace to manhood abeg. Only a monster will defend a monster.

kamez:
Its no biggie doing such a thing for the mother of my unborn kids.


But I don't eat pounded yam so except the meal is meant for her alone..

House chores don't scare me one bit. Even with my tight work schedule at the moment, I still tackle these chores with ease on daily basis.
I grew up with very lazy elder siblings so as the last born in the house , I did lots of house chores...till i gained admission and moved out of the house

Guess its gonna come in handy in a few yrs time


Besides whatsoever a woman can do for me witout complaining, I can reciprocate

You need to be cloned.

carefreewannabe:
This thread was opened as a reaction to the thread Where did you meet your spouse and is a platform for those who are still searching and I hope that the married folks can help them find what their hearts desire.

Hmm not sure about asking married folks for help. Each person's circumstance is different, I believe.

ernie4life:
"keke abeg drop me here, make I check if my missing rib is here"

ernie4life, don't tell me you are a bachelor o

What a topic.
I know we Nigerians believe in miracles and have a lot of faith but I hope we can also be more realistic and practical in approach to this situation. Esp for those talking about flying this young man to India. I don't think that is a realistic idea. too risky ( plus imagine all the confusion and drama that will come out of it). I like the idea of focusing on quality of life care for him at this point or following doctor recommendations.

Maybe when this is all over, THeN should come up with a concrete mission statement and strategic plan to guide in ways to make the organization more efficient going forward. this is important because people will stop contributing their hard earned money if they don't see results. or if they thought that their previous contributions went to waste.

Maybe it's just me but I don't like the idea of emergency fund raising esp on a very large platform as this. It leads to issues. it's better to have a pool of funds already (through yearly general fundraisers etc) and then with a clear head, one can choose good candidates (the criteria should be laid out in the strategic plan which should be drafted by board members). assess their needs (I think patients should already have a diagnosis or needs that are clearly articulated before coming to THeN for help. again this is a criteria that should already be created) set a budget, timeline and go through with helping them. This will lead to less worry about money or being defrauded by doctors or getting new diagnosis updates that leads to surprises about the amount of money needed, lack of information that leads to panic and confusion etc.

Overall, this is a really great effort and i'm very impressed by Nairaland. WOW

dinachi:
If I got you clearly, you were not the original target for the pounding. How did the 'annointing' transfer from the girl in question to you? Did you confront your husband? Did you attack him in a bid to save your girl and put him on the defensive? Give a clearer picture and stop calling your husband names.

Are you for real?
You sound like an expert 'pounder.' How many women have you sent to the hospital or grave?
God will remove that monsterousness from your heart and this woman's husband (hopefully soon to be ex-husband) heart.

thinkingbee:
I just wish there was a way to teach him a lesson so he never hurts any woman again.
Am trying to get another apartment for me and the childrenn...financially I ll be fine.

Kudos to you. Like I said earlier, if you know his place of work, you can set up a meeting with his boss or employer to give them details about his abusive ways. It will be even better if you had physical evidence (scars, pictures etc) A bad recommendation like that can often be enough grounds to fire or sack him. He will quickly realize that his actions come with consequences.

happy married life to them I remember her

Onegai:
Eye Service is encouraged in Nigeria. Before I got hitched, I kept complaining to my male friends why I wasn't getting dates. They all advised me to "not sound so smart, dress sexier, join a pentecostal church and join one of their depts to become more social, stop talking about my really weird-for-Nigeria tastes etc". I was confused, I wasn't a party girl or anything yet they kept encouraging all sorts of Hypocrisy on my part. So I gave it a try and omo, it worked. Luckily for me, I couldn't keep it up and went back to liking all the stuff I liked. And because of those weird-for-Nigeria tastes, I got married to someone who also had weird-for-Nigeria tastes. So eye-service starts in dating and then causes wahala in marriage.

The first time hubby saw me industriously sweeping his kitchen (whilst dating) he said in his mind he hissed and wondered who I was doing eye-service for Now he knows I'm better at making Egusi soup, washing the bath tub and cleaning the cooker, I know he can cook Ogbono soup better, sweep and sort out the laundry. He told me not to be kneeling down too much for MIL and I told him to touch knee for Maman when he sees my mum.

We cool

love it!

@thinkingbee,

it seems like you are already physically out of the situation., ie. you have you moved out of the house to a safe place. If so, then I would suggest contacting the police. I have a feeling that the police is useless in Nigeria though. What you can do is that you can become a voice to raise awareness for domestic abuse. Tell everyone about your situation who has a ear to listen.

Another way to advocate for yourself is that if you know his place of employment, you can write a letter to his boss appealing to them to sack him. Make a strong case for why the company should not hire domestic abusers. Send in pictures of your injuries if you have any and get people to help you draft the letter if you are not good with words.
If this doens't work, then get a group of people and stage protests in front of his place of employment to make a noise. the company will know that they have a liability in their hands.

Stay strong.

BlackLeopard, you took the words right out of my mouth

crackhaus:

Cool, I'm glad you brought up the evidence thing.

You say you have evidence to support your claim that most of the ardent supporters of FGM are men, please provide this evidence before I present my case to the contrary.

read my post carefully, I said most ardent supporters are men and also many older women who are bound by the patriarchal rules.
note that these same old women tend to be the ones the men usually hold up as good examples for younger women to follow in order to be "true or good african women" (whatever that means) there is no question there as to why old women are held up since they are the ones who are most socialized into patriarchy. they are the men's trench workers. They do the dirty job as trench soldiers.

you ask me to provide "evidence" when you and 5minmadness have already presented yourselves as evidence. No woman is in support of FGM on this thread. In fact, you and your other male ally both came in to attack the women for speaking out against the act.
If you are thinking that your support of FGM is absolved because you are not the one physically burning or cutting off a girl's parts, you have failed miserably.

Nigerian politics is just too comical. no other words for it. pure farce

LOL

so much corruption

chidyhels:
So it's fiction after all

hahah I've been wondering the same myself.

cococandy:
Oh it is a fact that women especially black women have surpassed men in the area of education and career in the US

abi o.
Even in Nigeria, women are going places. If anything, women are more independent and self-sufficient today than in the past.

I can't stand DUMB topics like this. Nigerian women are formidable hard workers. Everywhere I go, I see successful Nigerian women. In fact, I see more successful career Nigerian women than men here in the USA. We do not depend on men to buy us recharge cards. This thread is DUMB.

Some men want to eat their cake and have it.
either you pick the submissive girl and be prepared to buy her menstrual pads and tampons because she is not self-sufficient or you pick the working woman but know that you can't boss her around.
Many young girls don't work as hard because they know that old perverted men abound to lavish them with money. but these girls grow up tough and wiser because youth and looks don't last. All those 65yr old "hardworking" widows you see..we don't know if many of them were "gold diggers" in their youth. So pls stop making assumptions about the past vs present. If anything, women today are harder working and stronger.

crackhaus:

Lmao...

Okay let's try this again, the question was:
Are you very sure about that?

It's quite obvious isn't it? why would I say something if I didn't think it to be right and have evidence to support my claim. If you have evidence contrary to my statement below, go ahead and present your case.

Most of the ardent supporters are men and also many women who maybe want "honor" or higher bride price for their daughters (FGM is supposed to keep the girl as a virgin or chaste. well, duh... it destroys or reduces her ability to feel sexual pleasure) which translates to higher honor for the family. This is the cultural significance of FGM: control of female sexuality.

crackhaus:

Are you very sure about that, @bold text?

what do you mean that men don't support FGM? You are an example right on this thread.
the practice stems from the whole belief that women need to be chaste, mind you.

if not for her flabby arms, she will resemble many women like toolz

good advice..now if only they were easy to follow.
I need to work on #13 and #18
I'm not even going to bother with #1 because budgets don't work for me. they just stress person unnecessarily.

crackhaus:

Thanks for the comment though...the topic is sensitive because we all guilty of it somehow, which is probably why no one knew how to respond to it

It's just hard to respond because saying that self-righteousness is bad is stating the obvious like the sky is blue.

what do you think of the passage below:
---
When two researchers recently asked people whether they felt they were moral, and then asked whether they would ever cheat on a test, those who said they were the least likely to cheat turned out to be the same ones who had the strongest conviction that they were moral. No surprise there. But when the researchers looked at the group who said they were the most likely to cheat, they found to their surprised that this group, too, had strong convictions that they were moral. Those who lacked a strong sense that they were moral tended to be iffy about whether they would cheat. …

People with exceptionally strong convictions about their moral goodness are likely to follow extreme courses of action because they can convince themselves that whatever they do is good. When the right course of action is ambiguous … such people are likely to gravitate to opposite ends of a range of behaviors. When there is wide social consensus that something is wrong, they tend to conform to social norms.

When the researchers tested their hypothesis on managers who were asked to make a judgment call involving a conscientious employee who needed to go home early one day, they found that the managers who believed most strongly that they were good people came to extreme conclusions: They either let the employee off for the rest of the day with full pay, or insisted the employee stay and work full hours. The managers who did not think they were particularly good people tended to reach moderate conclusions: They had the employee finish some work and then leave early.
- See more at: http://www.overcomingbias.com/2007/11/are-the-self-ri.html#sthash.bmWe0tvc.dpuf

There is a critical robbery ongoing at #32 Otun Close, Sagamu that needs an immediate response but first...let me take a selfie

bigass:
Pls what does he mean by this. He didnt explain but said he regret marrying a good girl like me.
We have sex only on weekends because of my job and I don't give oral. I am very formal when it comes to sex. I married as a virgin

your profile pic is a bit scary. your thighs/legs are huge in comparison to your waist and upper body. looks like photoshop.
anyway, back to your topic, you probably know what he means better than any one of us on here because you are the one married to him. Seems like you are not sexually compatible.

5minsmadness:

Which year was this article written?

Do you see where the woman they were interviewing said "it is done to every woman"? And the man(of nigerian origin o) saying he had never slept with an uncircumcised female? Haba naaaa. So all you ladies on this thread are circumcised?

It's not an article. It's a 116 page report published in 2011. I put the link in my post for a reason. You can simply click on it and read it. It is obviously an ethnography so the informant being interviewed is speaking for her tradition. her quote is "it is a traditional thing, it is a routine. it has to be done to every girl child."
Some ethnic groups don't practice it at all and with some ethnic groups in nigeria, prevalence rate is upwards of 90%. It's not very difficult to simply google FGM statistics in Africa.

5minsmadness:

First of all, yes it is a western thing. Our womenfolk(not even the men),fought against the abolishing of female circumcision for a long time and even till now most ardent supporters(thank you efe ) are women. So don't tell me anything like the women were supressed or against it or stuff like that. The practice died down following aggressive western public awareness programs against the act.

No, not all western ideas are progressive. I assure you of that.

"horrible cultural significance of FGM" smh, whose culture?? Definitely not your culture if you are African. Of course if you say 'horrible societal significance and implications' especially in this our modern era, then I'm likely to agree with you.

I agree with your last paragraph. So why not educate such stubborn followers of the practice on how to practice healthier and medically safer methods of female circumcision. The promise of free education on the matter will bring them out of their hiding places and will reduce the amount of complications that follow the genital mutilation they practice.

FGM is not abolished. It is widespread in Africa in various forms from the "mild" to the extreme.
Most of the ardent supporters are men and also many women who maybe want "honor" or higher bride price for their daughters (FGM is supposed to keep the girl as a virgin or chaste. well, duh... it destroys or reduces her ability to feel sexual pleasure) which translates to higher honor for the family. This is the cultural significance of FGM: control of female sexuality.

Some ethnic groups don't practice it so it's not a western thing. You just say so because you know deep down that it is a barbaric act and you feel that all opposition to barbaric acts must come from the west.
it is mostly education and female empowerment that will lead to the eradication of the practice.

Whatever it was, I hoped I wasn’t a victim of it. She had said it would make Olamma to be faithful to her husband and that I would grow to understand better.

how ironic.