₦airaland Forum

Moralgladiator:
listening to parents is called submission. Obeying the government is called submission. Agreeing to be under a man as wife is called submission. Submission is agreeing to take instructions from constituted authority. Now back to the child and tantrums...what words do you use to get that child to comply? Coercion or fear?

thats were you are wrong listening doesnt mean submission, i cant listen to you but it doesnt mean i am submitting

I think the right word you are looking for is DISOBEY

i Have observed that most kids throw tantrums becoz they want things their way so depending on what the child is crying for your find a way trick them to calm down, but the problem is usually kids throw tantrums in public as parents we quickly feel embrassed and we rush into tyring to stop them crying and the fight becomes worse

As parents we got lots in our mind and time sometimes is not in our favour so, instead of trying to understand them ie while s/he is crying ask him/her why are you crying they will answer back right! to me thats a good sign atleast we talking and listening and answering my questions, then you tell him/her that crying doesnt make things happen but talking does, if s/he says OK mummy /daddy then make him/her feel proud eg by doing saying hi 5 hand gesture. By this point s/he might not even crying

What i have realised is african parents whats kids to obey parents, but parents fail to explain fully why they should obey, there is nothing confusing as obeying with fully being explained why you should obey

Moralgladiator:
I am not expecting an answer that suits me,I am only trying to get at the rationale of African parents using fear to get children to the submission phase. This fear works far longer than necessary up to adulthood.

Like i said before "to me" SUBMISSION is a dangerous phase to impose on a child

A child should be taught to listen to parents and not to SUBMIT, submission is a different level all together

thats how is see it

Moralgladiator:
Oga Sabinus,I asked a rather simple question. How would you approach such situation? Forget your textbook responses. You are not even a parent to start with....how come you know so much? Textbook wizard I guess.

well dont ask a question and expect an answer that suits you

i have a 17 year old daughter, i have gone through such

Parenting skills vary from person to person

Moralgladiator:
When a six year old child refuses to be bathed and brushed in preparation for school,crying and throwing tantrums. what do you do or say to the child to get the child to cooperate?

1st you mean you cant outsmart a 6 year old ?

For me you must know things that the child likes doing at skol and use those things to encourage the child to bath and go to skol and be able to do those things they like at skol.

Problem with african parents we build walls between us and kids, we dont sit down to know our kids eg the child comes back from skol you asked them how was skol and what activity they did that they liked today. Having such infor will help you to encourage them to go to skol when their are fighting you not to go to skol

Know your child skol friends name etc and trick your child to say your friend so and so said has something for you etc

Moralgladiator:
Bros,what makes a child let down his guard? It is called submission to authority. Teaching is a path, submission is an act. I am not referring to the path but instead to the determinant of the child's resistance and willing cooperation to parental authority.

a child can let down guard for many reasons, it can be peer pressure or simply forgetting the warnings from parents

From the two example given my focusing was on the ways of teaching a child using positive thinking (getting a bicycle) or using negative thoughts (reminds him of all the punishment he will get for disobedience)

Whereas you are focusing on the parent as the authority and the child submitting to parents voice of command ( SUBMISSION ask you see it) irregardless of the chosen words used

So our approach me and you are TOTAL difference. To you its all about SUBMISSION to authority and to me its all about teaching that good behavour can get you good rewards than using fear to make someone behave

Fear or bad memories can damage a child, no one once to be always afraid or to be always remanded of a bad exprience

when dealing with kids try to understand their level of thinking, it will give you ideas to make them co-operate with you without them even knowing that their are actually following your commands

Kids dont know what is SUBMISSION all they know is your mum or daddy, the rest are just rules them

Remember a person who has to SUBMIT should understand the meaning of SUBMISSION and accept to submit

Moralgladiator:
As the title reads, scolding a child to submission versus pampering a child to submission.
As it may very well occur that people may misinterprete my meaning here ,I will go further to illustrate with two different approaches in getting a child to submit to his parents.

Mr A calls his little boy aside before he leaves for work. He reminds his boy of that wonderful bicycle he will get for good behavior,but if he is found wanting in behavior then no bicycle. The little boy gets rewarded for a previous success.



Mr B calls his little boy aside and reminds him of all the punishment he will get for disobedience. Tells his son a little sordid fictitious story to keep him dazed for a while in fear. Then ends with reminding him how much of a whipper his father is and doesn't even get a reward for previous success.

Which of these two models of upbringing will you rather subscribe to?

submission is the wrong word

it should read "How to TEACH (Nigerians you say to TRAIN) to child" using positives thoughts vrs negative thoughts

So the word SUBMISSION is wrong to discribe to how teach/train a child using positives thoughts vrs negatives though

Vikky1425:
I just created this account. I'm at my boyfriend's house and I'm bored. His family member called and he asked me to wait for him.
I promised to come and make him vegetable soup today, since morning hes been disturbing me to come because his friend is also around. I sha got there sweating because of the heat and entered kitchen immediately.
I made the vegetable soup and swallow. He said the soup is delicious, after which I served him and his frnd. It is me that took his friends food to dinning table o. I went to sitting room which is just like right from the dinning. In front of his friend he started asking why I couldn't bring them water to wash their hands and also put water inside cup for them to drink.
It's annoying to me because washand basin is right in the dinning and also a water dispenser in the dinning, glass cups are also there so why cant he do that? Knowing well I've been preparing the food. Just that one he cannot do.
After eating he said "it's nice that you can cook, but you're a woman it's your duty to put water for washing hands and to drink, what if any of my family member or my mum is around?"
There was a time he talked about visiting his mum and how I would be the one cooking, that's not a big deal to me as long as am not reduced to the maid.
This is my second visit to his house, the first time I cooked too.
Am still angry anyways. Traditional man in this modern world, he wants to enjoy wife benefit without acting like a husband.
Update; I have told him about it and he says "me that says you should serve us water dont I know the water is beside us?" I asked him why he had to even do that in front of his friend and he said "it's no big deal, I should have still come to serve it too" kept insisting on how it's my duty and him not a believer of division of labour. He then said "I wont take that from you next time"
So now he just told me he'd invite all his friends over soon and have me cook for them all
My ranting goes beyond serving water or not
The relationship is barely one month

my dear those are signs not to ignore those things get worse once you are married

once married he expects you to be doing everything as per tradition and culture, men like that you would treated like a student and him being the teacher

He definately wanted to show off your wife material to his friends, its good and bad if you fail to his expectation, you will hate his friend as there coming showed your mistakes

GuestLog:
It baffles me how don't respect themselves on a public forum such as Nairaland. Is this as a result of failure in family upbringing, lack of proper education or simply an abuse of social media & it's liberty?

As Africans, we were taught to respect people in the society, greet one another pleasantly (Igala for example can literally extend salutations for up to 5 minutes) and treat others with mutual respect.

But nowadays it's different on public forums where wisdom and knowledge should have been shared for enlightenment & edification, instead you see inter ethnic clashes, derogatory remarks, intolerance to diversity & other people's opinion, also bring her down syndrome of many women here on NL.

Let us learn to do things differently. For the sake of ourselves and portray the characteristics of our home bringing.

there is country without jail meaning there is always people causing trouble

drealdude:
Good morning All,
i will be brief, my Dad hail from south
AS his son, i have noticed that my dad family members are always conniving against our interest
and treating us in such a way that suggest they had an agreement to fustrate us. what is worse is that my dad is oblivious of their plan and treating them nicely like brothers(2)while they plan behind him.

There is an undercurrent of strong hatred towards us and they act in stiff competition against us even when we try to act as one family towards them. they try to show off / compete in terms of who have more money, whose children is better off etc.

i suspect they meet to plan against us.
Whenever we go to family events that brings family people together, there is subtle nuance and body language that suggest strong hatred but faking smile at your face.

My questions are

should i go all out against them, tell them to their face / confront them as enemy and tell them stay clear？

is the paternal family important in events like woman marriage(sibling) becos i know they likely shun？

What should be the best and wise way to act in terms of future？

WILL STRONGLY APPRECIATE ALL ADVISE

give us a bit background of your family, is your father's financially better than other relatives?

As kids are you achieving better than other cousins eg better results at skol etc ?

Prof0fficial:
I love garlic because of its health benefits regardless of the smell.
but all women seem to hate the fragrant smell. I have been almost denied sex and insulted by my partner on few occasions because I chewed garlic in the night before making advances on her, even after brushing mouth and taking other things to subsidise the odour.
the challenging part is that she says she love kissing so much.
I can't afford to compromise my health just to please someone's interest. I only like to chew it every night, now this seems difficult.

Garlic smells very bad when it coming from someones mouth

Collins918:
Something is really bothering me. I need advice from married women and men in the house please. I have been married for a year with 2 kids ( twins) but my wife has had never post any of my pics on her social media. I am not happy with her.

1. On our wedding day she posted her pics and of her family members and friends except me . I have address the problem with her to know why . She said she will add more later. She never did which I had never bothered to ask again because our marriage was young to start having issue just because of pics

2. On our twins dedications the same thing happened again. She posted over 100 pics on Facebook but none of mine. I have address the problem. Asking her again why she keep excluding me from her social media account. I asked her if she is not happy to have me as a husband. She said no . She has forgot to add my pic . She apologise.

3. My twins were born a day before my birthday in May. We had a small gathering at home for our birthdays. We snapped loads of photos but she didn’t post any of mine. Even on her WhatsApp status she posted our twins and on my day she only wrote happy birthday to my soulmate but not a pic of me. I was upset that I asked her , how would feel if I have not posted any of your pics since our wedding until now. She said well it’s my choice to do it and she has had never forced me to put her pics on my Facebook and WhatsApp . She said I can go ahead and remove it. She said it’s her Facebook she can do whatever she want including who to post. We had a heated argument and we haven’t spoke to each other since then.
4 I am not happy with her attitudes . I know it’s only pics we are fighting for , to some people it may seems as a stupid thing to fight for . But it means a lot to me. I feel jealous when I see other couples posting each other on Facebook but why can’t my own wife can do the same for me. She doesn’t think is a big deal to her. I feel bad . Now I am wondering if she truly loves me for real or if she only married me because of my money. I am not rich . I have my furniture company. I have opened a shop for her. I take care of her and her family 100% financially. I am not ugly , I only senior her by 3 years. It’s not like she married her father or grand father age mate that’s why she will feel embarrassed to post him . I just don’t understand why she doesn’t feel to post any of my pic. I just don’t know what to do or say to her anymore. I want to know if what she’s doing is really right. For married men and women in the house . How would you feel if your partner has had never post you on social media before ? Please single stay out of my post. Many thanks

why do you need validation via her facebook account ?

like someone said why dont you post those pictures on your own facebook? No one is stopping you from that ?

Life is not run via facebook, facebook is being used to decieve and make people believe what there are not

The same people you are crying for their validation, are same people who laugh at you when eg your marriage is in trouble

ABOVEDELAW:
I'M WONDERING WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS IS LIKE, IF YOU HAVE NOT SLEPT IN YOUR PARENT'S BED!

go and read the thread again

the thread is not taking about kids

its taking about relatives who we assume these are grown adults, even if the relatives are kids would leave your bedroom and bed for kids to use while you sleep on the floor ?

Raphael25:
Except father and mother in-laws from both sides. Every other person so far neither of the couple have travelled, it's a no for me. Infact as per space issue don't visit and if you be prepared to use the living room. Ok my relative coming for business and stays for 3months you expect me to make love to my wife in the living room and on the floor??

would you sleep in your parents bed ? am sure your answer is NO

the same reason you wouldnt sleep on that bed is the same reason father/mum -in-law wouldnt be able to sleep in your own bed you share with your wife

HarunaWest:
If there's no other bed or bedroom available, then your visitor must be made as comfortable as possible.So they should be in the bedroom...Afterall they are spending a little time not like they staying forever......You sef check am, how you go feelnin future if you go your liking house and he put you into mat for living room or balcony

its taboo my friend

A married couple's bed is shrine that no one should sleep on period, if one can not respect were one sleeps and shag with his his wife/her husband then
you have no respect for married couple

A married couple's sex is sacred thing to them and it happens on that bed in that room, no any other person should sleep in that bed unless a very unusual circumstances

Black Africans we like visiting without thinking of sleeping arrangements

nabiz:
To go straight to the point, this is the second time my five years old daughter is telling my wife that she loves me more than my wife. This is giving me a great concern. I have a wonderful family infact my wife is the best woman on earth. I don't really know why my daughter should be saying this. I love my wife and prefer my children to love her more. Pls do you think the five years old girl meant what she say. What should I do or what should my wife do. I have notice that my wife is not have about that. Pls advice me

You are still learning more about kids, kids usually like/love the softer parent

At 5 kids can be annoying assuming she spents more time with mum, mum has to do most of the teaching and correcting hence a child would take it as being hard on her and daddy taken as being the softer one

Gjrich:
A woman in the city went one morning to her husband's office to report him to his boss. She told her husband's boss how her husband usually squandered his N60,000 salary and only gave her N30,000 for upkeep.

After her narration, the boss told her to come back on the last day of the month.

On the set day, she arrived as planned. The boss called the husband and they all sat down in the boss' office.

The boss started,' Mr. Mike, you wife reported to me some days ago that you squander your salary outside and only give the family N30,000 for upkeep. So right now, I'm going to personally hand over your salaries to her from today henceforth.'

'How much is you transportation to work daily?', the boss asked.
'N900 sir', Mr. Mike replied.
The boss handed over N19,800 to Mr. Mike. 'That should take you for 22 days'.

'Do you take breakfast at home?', the boss continued.
'No sir, I leave home very early to beat traffic jam'.
'How much do you spend on breakfast and lunch daily?'
'N500 sir',replied Mr. Mike.
The boss handed over N11,000 to Mr. Mike.

'Who pays the children's school fees', the boss asked facing Mrs. Mike.
'He does', she replied pointing at Mr. Mike.
'How much is the school fees and how many kids have you?'
'N30,000 per term for the two kids we have?'
'In other words, you save N10,000 monthly for each term's school fees right?'
'Yes sir', replied Mr. Mike.
Once again, the boss handed N10,000 to him.

'Who pays the rent and how much is it?'
'I do sir. The rent is N36,000 per annum.' Mr. Mike replied.
'That's N3,000 monthly right?', the boss added as he handed over N3,000 to Mr. Mike.

'I don't want to ask about clothings, electricity bills,etc as I know both of you might be handling that', the boss said as he handed over N16,200 to Mrs. Mike.
'What's this for sir', Mrs. Mike asked surprised.
'Money for upkeep', the boss replied her.
'But it wouldn't take us anywhere', she exclaimed.
'So why don't you appreciate the N30, 000 your husband sacrifices for you monthly', the boss asked.
The woman hugged her husband tightly and the rest is history.

*Moral:*
A lot of women don't know what their husbands sacrifice to put food on the table. Most times, they go hungry. Sometimes, they swallow their pride and engage in menial and debasing jobs just so their families can eat. A lot of times, they can't even buy good clothes to wear rather they sacrifice so that their wives and kids can get one.

A man might not tell you what he goes through to get you the cash he gives to you as telling you might make you start underrating his person but to tell you the truth, men go through a lot and need to be appreciated.

There is no moral here

why because the story is teaching men to be secretive and women are being told to be quiet

A simple solution husband should let wife know how much he earns so that wife would understand the whole concept, than trying to play hero in secretive

frozen70:
You said you were once married, so what happened

i was young when i got married (customary aka traditionally) i was 26 year in Africa thats normal, i then moved to UK left the wife home, it was hard financially to bring the wife and slowly we drifted apart and we separated

when i look back based on my personal journey to where i am now i was still young to marry at 30 would have been better and a bit wiser

frozen70:
So tell me more

about what

frozen70:
At this point, I will end this discussion pls

When you get married you will get the experience better but for now, you won't understand

i wont understand what, am 44 dear have been married before

frozen70:
It's obvious you don't understand what I mean by protect your wife before your family

Let's me explain more

Most families, wants to know if a man is in control if his wife

If he washes his wife's pants and bra

If he is a house boy to the wife or if he us the lion at home

If he takes orders from the wife or if he gives orders to his wife

You see, a married woman happiness in marriage lyes on the way her husband places valued on her

She is a stranger that ame to make a family with you and your siblings

They may not want her type but for the fact that she us your choice protect her

Don't expose her to your family

i get your point but you got it twisted

our scenario is based on either death or divorce, what are the rights to women, who has a registered marriage, by law no one has right to the property except the living spouse in this case its the wife

this got nothing to do with respect whatsoever

frozen70:
How long do you think it takes to get resolved

What do you think her inlaws will be doing in that interim

You are a man and I am a woman, best option is protect your wife from your family and they will treat her with respect even if you are not there

i think we are not on the same page dear

the discussion here is based on registered marriage in the event of death of a husband or divorce

in the event of either of the two in-laws have no say over if one persue the legal way aka law

LeRabbite:
Unless the wife was compelled to stop working by the husband, I see no reason why she should be entitled to a farthing post divorce.

Why do you think a man worried his wife may bail on him and still leave with his valuables is a silly excuse for not wanting a statutory wedding? Aren’t there women who marry with the sole intent of taking advantage of the man’s resources? Can you tell which woman is which?

remember law doesnt care whether wife or husband was not working, being a housewife/husband is taken as contribution to the marriage by that
whether wife or husband you are entitle to have something from that divorce settlement

Its not the government duty to vet that the wife/husband is marrying with intent to take advantage of the the man/woman resources

you are meant to vet yourself but in the event of you discover the intention you got the right to file for divorce and use that as reason for divorce and also reasons for her/him to gain anything from the divorce settlement

Plead:
He is correct. A man can even decide to remove his child from his will talk more of wife.

You’re just ignorant of how these things work

you need to be specific

As the child is below 18 the man has look after his child whether the child is on will or not and if the marraige was registered whether wife was not on will she still gets something by default of registered marriage

Remember a will doesnt mean it covers everything, a will can be specific to certain things and it can not overrule some rights eg you want to brother to have the house. but your wife has 4 kids who are below 18 by default the house will go the kids and wife or they will allowed to live in the house untill the kids are atleast 22 or able to look after themself other scenario the house would be made a family house meaning no individual own the house

There is a difference between A WILL and ONE'S ESTATE, a will is usually specific instructions to give certain things to specific people and AN ESTATE its everything you own from property to everyone you owe money, if you were owing lots of money your family house can be sold to pay of the debt you owed.

Havent you heard of people who walked away with nothing from a will that there were entitled to something simply becoz the deceased owed more than what they had payments affected the will

eyinjuege:
But the law doesn't see gender.
Tradition does.
The same protection offered a woman with a court marriage is the same offered a man.
Many of our men are still governed by tradition, hence the aversion for court marriage seen.

When a woman is from a wealthy home, the men don't need to be convinced of a court marriage, they pursue it.

1.Getting a divorce is much easier with a traditional marriage where the bride price is easily returned within a day e.g Tonto Dike and Churchill . So perhaps our men are thinking along that route in the foreseeable future?
2.With only a traditional marriage, a man is still allowed to several other wives , and a man who refuses court wedding to his partner has such intentions until proven otherwise.
3.My advice for such women is to ensure they reach their maximum potential even while married (all women actually). Do not give up your own career, goals , aspirations and dreams in order for your man to achieve his. Don't stay home under the guise of raising children and not developing yourself while he is out there building a future for himself where he doesn't see you or perhaps sees several other women by his side in that future.
Make sure he does his own equal contribution in the home front with your children, and that he also supports you in achieving your goals as you support him in achieving his.

its so funny how people are self centred, its ok for wife to walk away with nothing after divorce or death

would you love your sister to be treat the same way ? kicked back to your parents house, if they have any with nothing after the death of her husband or divorce. Lets say the marriage was 15 years for real 15 years she goes back with nothing

The men who are in support against registered marriage give silly excuse to say a civil registered marriage is signing your death warrant, if you dont trust her why are you marrying her, if a person is evil a tradional marriage wont stop her from killing you

frozen70:
Mention how many cases the court treated like this before I will respond to your comment

their are lots dear

you not hearing about them doesnt mean there are not outside

and many people are doing civil registered marriages meaning those will exercise their right in event of death or divorce

frozen70:
It is the duty of the man to protect his wife from the preys of the family

If you mess up with your wife your family will do same to her

If you prove to your family that my wife is my source of happiness, tgry will avoid her like corona

No woman goes into marriage to loose her husband

But in the event such happens, the family out to give her the assurance that she won't suffer, simple

Now how do you make that to work out, by protecting her from the family attacks and harassments by inlaws while you are alive

did you read the start of the thread?

we are talking of in the event that husband dies, how can he protect wife when he already? unless wife is being protected by law via registered marriage which give rights to remaining spouse which is the wife

frozen70:
You see, she is taking the court marriage too personal as if it's going to guarantee her the marriage

I don't know her reasons but she may have something in her asernal

Find out who is behind the push on her

May be your family doesn't want her

May be because you guys are from different tribes

May be you guys have trust issues

Though court marriage has never guaranteed any woman her marriage

It's mainly a governmental prove of marriage for official purposes

you got it wrong

All she wants is legally protection to what they will aquire as husband and wife in the event of the husband dies before her

Registered marriages were started after seeing abuse of culture and tradition whereby in the event of the death of the husband, the wife was not entitled to anything she would go back to her parents with nothing, Imagine you were married for 10 years, you aquired few properties together he suddenly dies are you not entitled to that wealth you built together? Whether wife was not formally working but cooking, looking after kids and looking after the house contributed to somewhere somehow to gathering of the wealth you ended up having

We take car insurance not becoz we want to get involved in accidents but in the event of an accident i get money to cover the value of my damaged car

So it the same with a registered marriage its an insurance cover to what you contributed to the marriage in the event of divorce or death, only a fool would feel normal to let go to what your contributed over years

Pension fund is also another good example would you want to walk away with nothing after working for company for 25 years No government policy forces employers to have pension funds for it workers

its not about gauranting her marriage but a protection by law in case of two worse out comes divorce and death

YourCoffin:
Story.

You have not seen ones that allows a man to swindled them of their dead husbands wealth or the ones that prefer to lavish the wealth[b][/b].

Which African man doesn't want to pass his wealth to his kids? African men can still do that without court wedding

You can not control everything in life, all you can do is set up someone for better like eg sending a child to skol is also a good set up, whatever they do after skol you cant control it it they mess up then its their fault not yours

So if a woman get swindled it is her own faulty? No she got cheated if she finished the money it her own faulty and you cant control it but you had gave them the chance and she wasted it

As for african men not passing on wealth yes they dont as in they dont protect the to kids wealth legally what do i mean legally eg you open account for child and s/he will have access to that money when eg s/he gets married or has finished university

African men we trust our families to take over our wealth but if you look closely those familiy members, actaully to depend on you or wish to be better like you and there is no way, they will think of your family 1st before theirs.

And am sure you have heard so many people saying this is my brother's house, what they literally mean is you are my brother's wife but this house is not yours which transfer to in case of his death, this house is our house not yours

YourCoffin:
If your supposed woman tells you she is securing her future against your death, it means that your death will be profitable to her. So why make it easier for her to kill you? Remember we don't do autopsy here.

Court wedding is a murder licence granted to women to use when they feel their husband's death is more profitable to them, hence the repeated phrases " incase the man dies". Not all wives use it though. It is left for you to determine if yours can before granting her wish.

thats the typical mind set of african man who doesnt want to pass his wealth to his kids

the truth is your own mother and father will never give enough care to your kids than their own mother

for the mother to be able to look the kids after your death, give her a good start after your death i.e let her inherit what you worked for under the what you called marriage "providing for your wife and kids" set them up for better

crackkhaus:
When it is stated that someone has WILLED his wealth to charity, it doesn't necessarily mean that the children will get absolutely nothing.

It simply means that as much as 90% of everything will go to charity, there's nothing to challenge really because there's always something left.

Remember, the conversation with the other lady is talking about adequate provision for a wife.
A WILL can leave MOST of the wealth, no matter how little, to one very loyal Uber driver..
It doesn't mean a wife is left with absolutely nothing.

there is difference between giving some of your fortune to charity and willing your fortune to charity

Willing to charity means most of the fortune is going to charity

Giving some it means there is a small portion compared to other portion on the will

In most case these people are old people above 60 therefore kids who by then are adults with their own families can be skipped in WILL due to personal reasons, so the person has right to nominate anyone

but for anyone who has kids who are under 18 that will has an automatic challenge if kids are not benefiting

crackkhaus:
You should direct all your assumptions to people who have been WILLING and still choose to WILL their wealth to charities, and not their wives or children.

Yes but you need to think at wider view and different scenarios eg you got 5 kids under 18 you die and your will is giving everything to charity that will can be challenged as your wife and kids (under 18 )are meant to gain from your estate by default

The will you are talking about are WILL whereby kids are above atleast 25 and above and usually these are from middle class and above people and the kids are adult people with their own familes and usually they would be family drama with the family and such people are average 60 years and above

crackkhaus:
Hello, please pay attention if you're really serious about this issue. There's been a lot of comments above filled with the usual emotional tirades, and I wish I saw the topic earlier.

[b]A court wedding is not what will protect your fiancée at the event of your death, that is complete falsehood.
Having a will (or a testament that will bestow on her the power of attorney on your behalf) during the course of your marriage... this is what will give her the protection she seeks.
You can have a court wedding today and then go on to name your brother/mother/friend in your will...and she will still lose.[/b]

As far as a court wedding is concerned, it is necessary ONLY in cases of divorce...so there's really no big deal here bruv.
I suggest you should have a court wedding with her, but since she is insistent on it, please ensure that you do it only on the condition that you will both sign a prenup(legal document) which states exactly how the percentages should be distributed between both of you IF you divorce. Prenups (postnups) can still be updated during the course of your marriage as you both see fit though.

My usual suggestion for a fair prenup is:

1. That you (man) leave ONLY with things purchased in your name, while she (woman) leaves with ONLY things purchased in her name. Avoid using multiple names on your documents. Eg. If you buy something for her, use her name on the document...you can call it love, lol.

2. The house that you will be living in... if it was built from a combined financial contribution or even if just yours, then it will belong to your wife ONLY if the children are less than 18 at the time of the divorce...otherwise it remains yours and she will move out. Any other property owned will be shared on the basis of clause 1 above.

3. Child support should be pegged at 10% of your monthly income ONLY if the children are less than 18yrs of age. Tuition, health, and other expenses will be shared 50/50 equally until they are done with tertiary education. Every other financial support is at your discretion.

4. * Add any other clause here *


It is necessary to remember that if your fiancée wants to protect herself, then you're mandated to protect yourself too...and if you both love each other like you say you do, then none of you will mind. You give her a court marriage and she signs a prenup, everyone is happy.

Don't let anyone blackmail you into doing things because of a love that is meant to go both ways.
The word COMPROMISE does not imply that one person gets to have 100% of their way - it means meeting in the middle such that two people only get to have 50% of their way each, this is a partnership.

Cheers...

you got it all wrong

1 the moment you sign the civil wedding paper the woman is nolonger your fiancee but wife and default she get the right to inherit the estate, you seem not to know about WILLS a will changed by family or even court eg you wrote a WILL 5 years ago before you got married and it was giving your wealth to father and brothers. But then you got married and got 5 kids then during marriage you forgot to change your WILL to benefit your kids and wife you suddenly die, do you think the courts will let the WILL stand against the kids and wife ? NO the courts will challenge the WILL based on time the WILL was signed and present which is you have left a wife and kids. Then the power of attorney only means your given the legal power to present someone or to make minimal legal decision on behalf of someone who is alive and cant be there at the present time.

You are confusing that with an ESTATE EXECUTOR a person nominated to administer the estate of the dead, it means he is responsible to execute what has been said on will and do all the work which is necessary to distribute the estate. Most rich family will either nominate a family friend or their own lawyer

Then the one you said you can wed today and nominate your father, brother etc and wife will lose, you are wrong a bit if you die a day after civil wedding wife is still entitled to something it doesnt automatically discard her