₦airaland Forum

Prec1ous:
I don't get it. Can't the husband defend her? This is my problem with weak men tail between their legs all the time.

People should also note... Some favors are like traps and risky. If it was me I will not step into that car.

I actually make it a point not to accept or go friendly with my boss and his family neither do I receive favors.

I feel for her but I think the husband should speak out. His foot dragging is why this girl is suffering.

PS: If the woman is defiant, then she should bounce. She must have learnt all she needs to learn already with just 4 months left.

The last time I checked, you do not need "freedom" to practice as a caterer, own your restaurant, get a catering jib/gig or get clients.

She should move on.

i think husband cant say much becoz he is also the accused one whatever he says, would a called a a lie to cover for the girl

Kenoxman:
DON'T DO IT! Irrespective of modernity and civilization,Nigeria is still rooted in culture and traditions. So in the case of disunity and breakup which is bound to happen,who then owns the child/children? From where I come from, a man has no right whatsoever on the child/children begotten to him by a woman on whom he paid no dowry on. The child/children belong to the woman's family. Think 'bout dat. It's a typical case of monkey dey work baboon dey chop. Moreover there is no legal backing to such contract. It is more or less ordinary friendship and anything goes. U can still find a decent girl to marry and u don't hav to break the bank to start a family. Everything boils down to how u as the man plan ur life to be. P.S: OK u live abroad? Still don't do it. History on such cases are not nice.

most africans we dont know the difference between custody of a child and virtue of being the biological father you become the legal father

let me explain by law, it doesnt care you paid dowry or not if you are proved by the likes of DNA you became the legal biological father, whether dowry was paid or not, therefore both the father and mother are required by law to look after that child, whether he was born out of wedlock or not traditional whatever the law doesnt care

then custody issue, law gives whoever fits at that present time of judgement, most of the time its the mother due to few factors eg such battle are usually done when kids are young between 0months to around 10 years this is the interest of the child as biological mother is deemed to give more love and care than anyone, but it also has room for where mothers are found not fit to do

what we call custody in most african culture is, the ruling of culture and tradition whereby varies from from tribe to tribe or custom to custom whereas law doesnt care about your culture

if your the biological father you are meant to look after your child, whether you are married to someone it doesnt matter, its your child look after it, its now one's job


whereas africa cultures, we think having the custody of child strips away the biological parent rights (in a case the child is out of welock)

traditionally denying custody and visits, is usually a way to force the biological father to pay the dowry, iregardless he is going to marry her not

in zimbabwe traditionally we call for "DAMAGE MONEY" if child is born out of wedlock, remember its a culture and tradition, it doesnt override law, whether he pays the DAMAGE MONEY or no, by law he still have to pay maintaince towards the child, eg skol fees clothing, food etc


with sample of most nigerians here you still judge such cases using tradition & culture beliefs

think out side box imagine your sister has 3 kids different fathers and all these guys never wanted to marry her and as per tradition you got custody of the kids, it becames a family problem to look after the kids but if laws steps in the fathers are forced to contribute to their child wellbeing

PuZZyNegro:
My friend, you are whining.

If your wife traveling to her hometown is the reason you're regretting marrying from IMO state, then you have a problem of not having problem.

It is expected that she travels to her village this season. Reason being that, this is the period her other siblings, cousins, friends, extended family, old school classmates, etc., usually come home. So, a great opportunity to meet with people she has not met for a long time.

In my family, we usually create a year that everybody would travel home including both my married sisters.

Mind you, my brothers married from the same state yet their wife spend the festive period in their fathers' house and we don't have problem with that.

You have her from January to December, it's just this few days that she wants to get refreshed and rejuvenated from the years worth of hard work before another hectic year begins that you know it's harmattan

Enyi a, behave yourself there

most people are missing the point, imagine every person going back to his fathers home for xmas, it means your own mother would also go back to her own fathers place but thats not the case hence this is not balanced

as it been said by someone, the couple should create their own memories of xmas with their own kids, meaning once in while they should have more memories of their xmas with his family not extended family

am not anti visit, one's family be it husband or wife's but dont let be year after year you are spending xmas at your father's house thats a NO

create your own new memories with your wife/hubby kids and new friends your have made your marriage journey and life

lavylilly:
I have been reading with so much disdain, the recent tantrums thrown on divorced ladies on this platform recently. I may not have followed every comment and reply, but majority I read from guy seems to shame the ladies. This is very wrong.

There is nothing dehumanizing or stigmatizing about a divorced lady coming out to say she was divorced. There is nothing glorifying managing an unmanageable husband or wife in a matrimonial home. I have rarely read people shame a divorced man, or are their stigma different?

The truth is simple, its better to live alive or stay and die, and its very very simple, simpler than staying.

As a legal practitioner, I have had the opportunity to handle/witness several divorce cases, and I'm sure to say its better to leave alive.

65% of divorce cases in Nigerian courts today are instituted by ladies who couldn't tolerate a toxic marriage any longer. This simply means, there is something certainly wrong with men of today, or both.

Men have become more randy, intolerant and abusive than before.

Let's watch how we shame somebody, especially in a situation we haven't been involved in before.

Remember the goal is to be alive and happy, married or single.

Thanks, and have a lovely week.

i think ladies have found way to survive without depending on an abusive men

before it was society very looked down on divorce and many jobs where not female friendly

whereas now jobs are female friendly and also most african economies have forced women to supplement the hubby's salary therefore gave women the tunnel of light that she can survive on her own financially, therefore if the marriage is abusive she can leave the marriage

nlPoster:
Just wondering.

there is nothing like that but the right CALLING IS "Family Friend"

bukatyne:
OH well, people should learn to be observant during courtship.

Also pray and discern.

being observant for few hours of seeing each other and living together 24/7 are different


but am not dispute your angle all am saying is during courtship people tend not to show you the true you and also hardships of dating and married people are world apart

oghale23:
Wow! Lol! This is wonderful! Such diverse comments and opinions.

For those asking why I put his sexual needs, as we all know marriage is the union of two people, in which both parties agrees to be together forever.

God has commanded us to be productive and fill the earth. He gave us sex, which is meant to be performed within the confines of marriage and also for pleasure.

Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:9, admonished the unmarried and widows saying: "But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust."

You will agree with me that many unmarried men and women today are burning or roasting with lust. And in order to quench the tension of lust, most people resort to pornography, masturbation, fornication worst case scenario, 'rape'.

In relation to the foregoing, with present economic situation in the country, some men will prefer to remain single, quench the tension of lust using other means as aforementioned than to go in to marriage to suffer.

Now that his wife have left him, it creates a lacuna that needs to be filled. What he enjoyed while he was with her is no more.

We all have various needs, whether single or married and sex is one of them. That is why single men or women pursue marriage to legally have sex for reproduction and pleasure.

So, I see no wrong when I mentioned his sexual need as one of the needs he will be missing.

my friend the truth is you are weird

no normal person would worry about a friend's sexual needs

even your parents they would worry about who will cook for you, not about who will provide sexual needs

hibeebeeking:
I really feel your pain. As u narrate, your husband said that what he is doing is for the family future. He maybe right. It like your husband understand how the system work in UK. U have three children for him,do you think he will leaves his children. They are his future. I don't think he has a bad intention. He just wanted to settle down and then take care of others. To get a permanent residence,depends on how you package yourself. It depends on your program. Pls you should bear with him for now. Understand the message he trying to communicate. He will surely come back for you and his children. Try get in touch as you will,so as not to leave any gap in your communication. Pls and pls do not fight or abuse him. U know woman now,when u are fed up u say a lot of wrong things. Don't fight shadow. Just be optimistic. Shalom

UK is now hard without a resident permit or student visa

i see him struggling to find the job he hoped for, he will be many of those illegal immigrants that would be using someone's papers to work and wont be able to fly out f UK and come back

And finally he wont be able to take his family to live with him. Remember she said the UK visa was default six months but their intention was a 10 days holiday. so basically he has no biometric card/ resident permit be it a student/working visa or permanent resident

oghale23:
Lol! What do you know I am thinking about? You think because he is in his late 50's he doesn't have sexual needs?

I know another family friend who is a pastor and whose wife abandoned him to go and work abroad. He had to marry another woman. The man should be in is early 60's.

it doesnt matter his age but

its strange for any man to worry about another man's sexual needs

bukatyne:
I am going to use myself as an example.

I met my husband when I was 17+ in 100L and by then, I was very self-aware and knew the kind of man I did not want.

I also knew that money was not important to me and a kind, respectful and thoughtful man who would let me soar was it.

In short, I knew I would either wither with a typical Nigerian man or kill him. The latter more likely.

I am also not a creature of habit and hate rigidity.

Now, I met my husband/ he met me and we became best friends learning stuffs about each other which spilled into the relationship.

Some of the stuffs we learnt about each other from obversation, interaction and watching engagements with other people:

Decision making: he would say no and I would have to cajole him. When he would finally be convinced and say yes, he will package it as his idea. E.g. I brought up the idea of a local vacation last year and settled for Whispering Palms due to cost and experience. He initially said no and I said I was going with/without (I doubt I would have sha, don't like such outings alone). He said OK and asked I explain the stuff which I did. We had to go a day later than planned due to his schedule and since then, It is vacays are good. When is the next one, where are we going this year?
For me, you don't order me. You want me to do Z, tell we why and we discuss or negotiate if necessary. When we agree, I will even do pass wetin you send me.

2. I am someone who is led by example. He is someone who leads by example. For instance, he liked us to be fully accountable to each other. So he started by 'I did XYZ today. The B I told you I was doing, I couldn't meet up and did C instead. So how was your day?' and so I reciprocated. It spilled to finances and every aspects of our lives. It also meant no stringing of opposite sex friends, having 'friendships' other party couldn't know about etc.

3. We harness our resources together. We know our strengths and weaknesses and fill in for each other Irrespective of what is conventional. I remember we used to move our clothes to house where there was water and we wash together. We read together, fvcked in between and went back to our books. We shared our pocket money together and drafted text messages of 'projects' together to aunties and uncles when we were broke.

I am tired of typing however my point?

We knew ourselves 92% before we got
married.

if it courtship worked for you in knowing each other to 92 percentage it doesnt mean it applies to everyone

our focus here is on those, who find out change or the other side of person, when they thought they had fully known his/her person during courtship

the honest truth is during courtship most roughly 70 percentage dont show their true self mainly because of 2 reasons 1 life its has not tested both of you as couple who live with each other 24/7 and having fully responsibility to yourselves, 2 we tend to show the good side only during courtship

so you and your courtship and then marriage are the few 30 percent that showed the true self during courting

MisterKings:
Ladies what would you do if your mother in law came visiting for a few and goes to your kitchen to serve her food without your permission or consent.

women are very proud of their kitchens,

cultural where am from (zimbabwe) its sign of disrespect for daughter or mother in law to use utensils or take food with asking permission in their respective kitchens

unless the two have a good relationship, but still they both ask permission as a way to respecting one's property

this also applies to us men, i can not go grab whisky from the cabinet without asking permission

we just have to respect each others home irregardless that s/he is married to son/daughter

AjayOfficial:
Okay just recently my cousin got married,wedding ceremony was held in the east, Enugu state to be precise. A lot of people graced the occasion from far and near across states in Nigeria, but d attendants that got my attention was a family friend,a couple that flew in from Kenya. They are Nigerians but now based in Kenya. I took care of their travel arrangement and here is the breakdown;
: Return ticket from Kenya to Lagos N290k ×2 = 580k
: Return ticket Lagos to Owerri (because Enugu airport is closed) 46k × 2 = 92k
: Land transportation Owerri to Enugu 25k (chartered car)
: Hotel (5 nights) 75k
: chartered cab to move around 40k
Then feeding and other miscellaneous expenses which I cannot calculate, but those expenses listed above amounted to N712k.
So my thought was why not stay put in Kenya and send the couple even 500k and do video call to congratulate them rather than spending that much to come down here to shake their hands,take photographs and give them 50k inside brown envelope (that is the amount my cousin said the man gave him).

So guys what do u think, I don't know if am making sense oh but that is my own opinion to the matter.

they got invited to your cousin wedding and you had to pay for them to fly from kenya to nigeria

why did you pay for them, people get invited to weddings those who can't come due to whatever reason are not your responsibility

if their were your parents we would understand but these are family friends

bukatyne:
I very well agree with you hence courtship is to know yourselves to establish compatibility.

courtship never brings out the true you, because you only see each other for fee hours and all needs and wants of your boy/girlfriend are not your full and sole responsibility


whereas the moment you get married, there is too much expectations from each other then extend families, finally life its throws in stones and boulders, trying to navigate through all that thats when you might realise that your thinking of how marriage is run is based on how you grow up

and how you grow up and now are different times and challenges. what worked for your parents doesnt mean it works for you and wife


with my little experience we fail, to ask and let your partner explain according to them how they think over an issue at hand, instead one enforce his/her way of thinking and solving an issue instead to hear the view of your other half and understand were there are coming from

usually it works in realising that your thinking are different and you can quickly find were you clash and find a solution to the clash and then proceed to find a solution to the problem

myang500:
Please be informed, it was in her own words that she said we are sharing the bill, if we are sharing bills my brother. she wont be able to survive it, just small sharing here and there, she don turn am to we dey share bills, please check out my last post. I'm a software programmer, i dont have time for kitchen, not everyone can be the same, try to understand that. I have told this woman several times never to tell me that am insecure, it was not needed for her to have said that.

so software programmer cant cook breakfast ? like someone said you want both traditional and modern marriage role type

but because modern marriage and life is forcing you both to work and while wife chasing the money, you also want her to do traditional roles


what you have is poor planning of your day, while getting ready to sleep ask wife what are plans for her day and also yours. that will help executing your duties as you had seen, where one is most wanted and find a way to make things work

if you had talked about your day, it wouldnt have bothered you to the point to come here and open a thread

Mrnairalandd:
Here in Europe and Nigeria, the laws don't need all that. As long as the man is proven to be the child's father or his names appear on the birth certificate of the baby, that is all the father need to take away the child from the mother. In Europe, with a father name on the birth certificate, he could take the child away without any problem. If the mother of the child run to the police to complain, there is nothing they can do except what is called "WELFARE CHECK" at the father place.

The only option left for the mother of that child at that point is going to Court to file for custody and fight like men do in Court. She has 80% chances of winning the case if the child is still a baby.

In Nigeria, a child ll reside with his/her mum until age 8. The story changes after that....

Marriage certificate or dowry is useless when it comes to child case.

thats not true in Europe kids are always left in custody of the mother unless otherwise if the mother is proved by court via different government services like social services

look at most single parents in UK they have custody of the kids

RZArecta2:
Volvo type R is the performance segment of the Volvo cars just the same way Mercedes has AMG and BMW has M3/5. What I want to know is if it’s okay to get something like a 2007 S60R for use in a country like Nigeria or its better to stick with maybe a 2.5T

On Edmunds, a consumer review warned about the expensive Brembo brakes and the turbocharger

Cc Valarinz
Egunmogaji2
Radautoworks
Trygo

Other demeanors and hot rods

Ps; I’m coming from an Ecosport right now (soulless piece of cow poopoo)

its VOLVO R not Volvo type R

Type R is marque for Honda

hokafor:
No bride price was paid, how can he claim the child? Is only you can help him claim the child if u want otherwise cut all communications with him . He is not legally married to u on what bases is he claiming the child. maybe as a sperm donor.

you are wrong dont mix culture/tradition and law

to knock same sense to you lets reverse it a bit


so the lady cant claim maintainence of the child simply because their are not married ?
or the guy cant look after the child because their are not married

by law whether you are married or not its your responsibility

Evaberry:
yes there is, But you have to go to court to apply for custody. note that the court MAY grant him visitation rights and access to see his daughter

pls do not confuse American law with Nigerian law. they are two completely different things.

The law doesn't care whether bride price was paid or not, so long as the man is the father of the child he has a right to the child.

op you have a very good chance of getting custody.

i get what you are saying two countries having different laws but in africa people most follow culture and tradition they rarely go to court

so most people think culture and tradition is law eg when hubby dies late hubby relatives grab everything, its tradition but by law everything belongs to wife

by law in most countries which has laws that were formed from english common law, custody of a child is given to the mother unless proved in court that, she cant look after the child in other forms

remember custody doesnt mean the child shouldnt visit or spend time with the other parent

custody means the child is register as living with named parent, so you can have custody but it doesnt the child is cut off from
the other parent

according to law, a child must have contact with both parents, irregardless of how they broke up or how they feel, only cases whereby abuse as been seen and recorded thats when a parent can be barred from having contact with a child

remember the above is law, not custom ot tradition per tribe etc most people in africa use tradition than going to court

quintybabe:
I can never go in search of any man that aband on me as a child, what do I simply need him for as an adult. any man that leaves his child/children (even if it their mother that misbehave) and didn't make effort to stay in contact with them his merely a sperm donor and not a father.

there is always two sides of a story, unfortunately the one who raises the child never, tells the bad part they contributed to the break up

shortgun:
I am always harassed by women anytime I go to the Market to buy food stuff.
They are always making bad comments about me coming to the market as a man to buy food items.

If I buy fish of 2k, they will say this "one u are buying fish of 2k today it's like madam is around"; I will tell them I live alone, they will be like so na only u go finish fish of 2,000.
The other day, two women that came to buy stuff were saying to my hearing that it's only stingy men that don't want their wives to chop their money will come to the market to buy food stuff.
They said serious minded men don't have time to go to the market.
They were almost making fun of me but I kept my cool.
Me that is single, where is the wife?

I was waiting for my turn another time for d woman selling vegetables to attend to me, she finished selling to d woman before me, instead for her to serve me next she turned to a woman that was behind me I said to her, "madam how much Ugu u want buy"
I didn't say anything to both of them, when she was almost done slicing the vegetables she now said but "madam this Oga first you come"
The woman said, "madam leave this Oga him no smart, I sharp pass am, that's why and I am a bully, I can bully my way to get what I want
Correct men don't come to the market, this one na woman."
I don't know if I should be angry,sad or just disappear
Even the way they look at me with disgust is enough to give one heart attack.
They will keep telling me things like, Oga u be fine man and u get money, why u no want marry
Is a crime that I like to cook my meals myself...and cook good, very good
Is it a crime to be a single Man in this country?

Pls what can I do to stop this harassment by women in the market?
These days I will drive to a market far from my area to get stuff.
Not that I can't talk back at them but u know how sharp their mouths is
Is food stuff market only for women?
Local man is tired.

how old are you ?

i see it from a different angle, these women are interested in you

very few african men would go to market to by food while wife is there, if you were one them still they would admire you

you told them that you are not married and most likely you aint reading the signals there are sending to you

they claim to say you are not sharp and then what is there business if you are not sharp

Iogobenz:
So I went to the mall today to buy some groceries after the day's tussle.
I was really angry today after some series of arguments with some people I went to have a meeting with.
So after shopping for my groceries,I just left the mall,was hanging out at the parking lot a little to watch people do their thing and smoke my cigarette.
So I lit my cigarette and was blowing my thing jejely in the cold weather when this young boy(about 3yrs old) ran towards me and we started playing.
Seriously I've missed being with kids and I love them and I can play like a baby too.so I put off my cigarette and we continued our play.
We were having fun till the mom came and yanked him off from me arrogantly and flung the boy in the car.
Gave me one kind of bastard look and entered her car
I was seriously angry and was waiting for her to say something derogatory make we burn down that mall today.would have poured all my anger on her today.
She didn't anyways.
So I thought about in and figured all of that display might be because she saw me smoking a CIGARETTE for heaven's sake.
People here are something else.but her boy was very handsome sha!
Life sef

you had no harm intended by you got that your country is also famous with kidnapping

AXYZ:
I saw a tweet (on twitter) from a certain Ronald Nzimora and later supported by his friend, Hon. Akin Alabi as regards the above subject (as attached).

Thus, I'm compelled to ask if it's actually right for a WIFE to own properties in HER name.

1. What if the wife is richer and kept everything in her name. Don't you feel the husband will feel 'detached' and maybe unhappy?

2. What if the husband is richer and kept all the properties in his name. Don't you feel the wife will feel 'detached' and maybe unhappy?


PS. My wife and I work, and are financially independent of each other. She's been supportive
though and we buy properties in our names, e.g. Mr Kenneth Cole and Mrs Grace Cole. This is rational and not abnormal.

Your wife/husband cant richer than you because your are meant to be one person i.e lets say you are civil married married by law, your assets are considered as couples assets regardless the wife is a housewife in the event you lose the house


the wife and kids gets affected hence, there is nothing like his property or her property in civil married couple, except in special cirumstances
like properties are in family trust or business names and shares of the business owned by also other people than yourself and that house belong to their business

but yes wife can properites in her name if you both agree to fo it openly between the two of you

most african own properties behind hubby's back due biased traditional way of distributing of an estate when hubby dies

becoz of greedy hubby family takes everything and kick out the widow, so most wives go behind hubby buy a property in her name to secure house in the event hubby dies 1st and his family takes everything

then the other side is, wife would want to uplift her side family but they dont tell hubby and when
hubby finds out he rushes to
conclude simply the wife kept her idea as secret instead of being open, that wish to uplift her own family

seanjy4konji:
Majority of Nigerian women are selfish and stingy... They prefer the finish all your money and continue keeping money in hidden places while you nearly bleed to death...

If she eventually brings out anything?? It's because she is hungry and wants to eat and would still make you know you are being borrowed...

They do not need any upkeep money...

If you sugrprise her with gift and hang out cool..well this one on my bed knows am s bastardy when it comes to that... She us paying my bills self.

its not being stingy but financially illiterate based on culture and tradition, tradition requires you look after your wife in all aspects of life, then on the women side she is supposed to look after you based on what he brings on the table

so traditional women are mainly to survive on what the man's brings home, than what both bring home

now because of human development in educating our women and culture and work places being liberal we find women working, just like men but you find someone not adapting the new ways of life, her salary is called MINE and his salary OUR salary


few earn enough salaries that one can say darling your salary is yours, my salary will cover everything

few of those type of women put their salaries to good use eg using her salary for kids college/uni foundation fund or family trust

most women are busy mistreating their husband, just like how their father's used to mistreat their mother, simply because they now have the power tthrough money to make someone jump


upkeep money was also used by some men to control their wives thereby being abusive in certain way

Joel3:
I live in a two story building that has a lot of flats and mini flat apartments.

everyone living there have partners or single mother living with children and young woman that bring in young jobless man to live with her.

we were only two that was living there single until the other young man bring in woman to live with him and remaining me. he is already calling her his wife when making reference to her, same thing with another guy living with a young girl with children who wanted to tempted me to sin with her the other day when no body was around.. the fact i like and love living alone sometimes I do feel bored which I will walk around to hang out in bar before returning home.

I'm not considering bringing any girl to live with me for now. but the fact I'm already in mid thirties I know there is not much time for me. my only saving grace was the fact I have baby face and fresh statues that makes me look like mid twenties. unlike my other neighbor brought in young partner to live together.

one of my other neighbor wife was telling me only not as a joke to go find a wife to live with me.

its not new and that's what I found common among guys, and once a guy start living alone the next thing is that he find partner or partner find him and they start living and before you know it they start bearing children and they called each other wife and husband even without legally married.

I for example I know how many girls that want that with me without considering the economic aspect or future that await the present, I for example is a very scaring guy because I have standard of our my live or living should be any short of that will take me to early to my ancestors.

Nigeria is one country where everything is done by faith. they never plan ahead even above 6 months or 1 year. and that's why when the pregnancy begins the real suffer and abuses starts.

my look matters to me. the food i eat my freshness and the clothes that I wear which should be uniform to my children and partner if need be. and anything that threatens that will consumed or destroyed me.

you should be proud of yourself you are not following everyone foot step

remember, we all have our different path and time our desntiny

if you copy a path of someone, its would be hell for you simply becoz its wasnt time for you

you didnt mention anything about a relationship but you talked about going to pub, roughly meaning you got no girlfriend no hobbies that keep you occupied hence you pay attention to people around

find hobbies or girlfriend that will shift your focus and thinking

LadyBeee:
I had a child in 2015. Her father abandoned us and ran away, so I took up the responsibility of taking care of her till she was 4 years. Was staying in lagos with my mum. My mum later relocated to the village and requested that I bring my daughter to stay with her since I was still single and need to get married. My daughter has been my good luck charm since I had her. Things became so easy for me. My bank account trippled and God's Grace has always been with me. Everything she needed was provided for. Since I took her to my mum last year, I've been so lonely. I miss her so much. I plan to bring her back when I travel for Christmas but people re advising me not to try it because it would block my chances of getting married. But it's been one year since she travelled and yet, I haven't even seen the husband that I'm searching for. It doesn't make any difference if she were here or not. I even had suitors when she was still with me but now i dont even have any serious person asking for my hand in marriage. My mum doesn't want me to bring her back. I am also undecided about bringing her back. Please i need your mature advice on this issue. Thanks as I await your opinions.

its an african thinking that having a child, would stop you from getting married. generally we are taught to look down on ladies that have kids before marriage or even those who lose husbands at very young age.

Hence you find that there is no respect given a single parent, there are treated as 2nd class citizen by both male and females.

let one love you for who you are with your child in the picture from the start, than hiding the child

DeluwaTalks:
We have a case at the moment and we need your sincere feedback.

Why do some men reject their wife’s food when they are angry or there is disagreement?

simple both female and male taught at young age that "a way to men's heart is through food" so rejecting the food is just a indirect message to say he is really pissed

2buffagain:
Handing the money to the women of this instagram generation is risky....though that is the best way to train her to understand that "look after this one, there is nothing else for the month" so I like that pattern.

The format of "upkeep" will just lead to greed because you are training her that "there is more in your pocket" so instead of focusing on what she has been giving, she will always be looking for how to get more. Giving her the bulk and having her sort out the bills and what not with what has been provided makes sense....in a house wife setting.

Personally, I don't think I will marry a typical house wife.
She will need to generate income. If not for because we need money, but so she remains relevant.
In the west, making any woman a house wife is super-foolish, because upon divorce, the alimony you will have to pay to her will be too much, because she was not financially relevant.

We will both have our private accounts, and a joint family account where we both dump a certain percentage of our income into to handle the bills.

i get your point, but you can always try first, if she fails to be responsible then you takeover, from other people's mind set is they dont even gave her a chance to try her

we are all gifted differently, one can be a hard worker and earning good but not good financial managers, the reason you find most mean being in debt and wife would be surprised, meaning hubby is not good finance manager

crackhaus:
Right, so women worked and were not just housewives.
Thanks, that is all my post was about - dispelling the notion that somehow women working is a new concept.

Why they worked, who they worked under, or what wealth was to women, was not the discussion.

when we say working we aint talking about traditional working, we mean the present day type of working were women are both playing the traditional roles of being wive and also doing a 9-5 job or just a job that we nolonger look at the wife as a housewive

you need to look back into history to find out where did the culture of upkeep came from, colonization affected our social and economics way of life, they took our lands and we had to start to work for them, the land was nolonger free to cultivate, wives and family stayed in the villages while husbands worked for the white men in towns

with time people admired the whitemans why of life, those working for the whiteman would chat girls saying marry me and i will take you to town and will buy you all things you like, his was the begining of the upkeep money, a village girl would prefer to married to someone who worked in towns, life in towns was admired and looked easy than village where you go fetch water firewood etc no electricity

i guess you know get my drift

Righteousness89:
Give unto GOD what is GOD'S
Give unto Tradition what is Tradition..

As A Believer, it would be Best for you to cement your Marriage on Godliness before anything..

God is not found in church, church is just a
building where people get together and worship God, no pastor can bless a wedding those are just ceremonial or customs things humans do that make us think thats how God like it.

Remember what you call christianity is combination of roman traditional and stories of the bible

right now a christian thinks that Christmas is special day for them, but christmas is not there in the bible, easter is there in bible but not as rememberance of dying of jesus but as festive period of ancient beliefs or celebration

those who are well researched know that a white wedding has nothing to do with God and the church, the two were later incoperated into 2 categories

1 as you can have a church wedding that can be administer by a pastor who has the license to marry you under the civil marriage

2 you can still marry in church under your beliefs of christanity but your marriage wont be civil marriage therefore your marriage was just a ceremonial

the bible has never said people should marry in church, it only say parents should bless your marriage, bless means acknowledging your marriage

the church marriage thing is a belief that christians think that marrying in church what God wants, God wants parents to approve of our marriage or accept our marriages which is meeting what parents request during the traditional ceremony

a normal african family would do the traditional wedding, be it dowry payment or lobola payment which is the acceptance of parents that out child is now married

by paying those things you are declaring to God and your parents that this is my wife. no one marries without doing traditional rites be it dowry payment or introduction thats step cant be left out

if the church wedding is important, why cant we do it first before the traditional one

crackhaus:
Don't join in this gross misinformation which has become an anthem on the pages of the internet. It is a lie.

In the days of our grandparents and great-grandparents, women worked. There are more housewives today than it was in those days.
Farming was the major source of livelihood and who do you think did the harvesting and selling of farm produce in the markets? Women.
Most times it was even across villages miles apart, these women did those things and still handled chores in the home front when they got back.
The men only cultivated the lands and planted, lands which were usually in their backyards.

It wasn't until the missionaries and colonial masters began introducing menial/manual jobs in the form of factories, railway building, construction, etc that men began leaving home to work for salaries.

Don't take my word for it, ask about your ancestral history and confirm this. I know things about my great-grandparents and great-great-grandparents from stories that were passed down. There was NEVER anything like a housewife in those days.

you are missing the whole picture on your history, yes women worked but they worked under men i.e either as wife or daughter either way, the wealth they produced was under man not themselves, and for them to called being wealth she had to be married. Even if the husband died she wasnt allowed to walk away with her husband's (or their) wealth, she must remarry the late husband brothers if not she would go back to her parents empty handed

remember, upkeep money is concept of making a woman believe that you got enough money to look after her, while you do the hard work, hence we hear ladies who say i want a men who can look after me, meaning she wants to be looked after like those broiler chickens

then being looked after came with its own problems yes the man can look after you financially but that doesnt stop him from being abusive as he can control you as you dont have any financial source of your own, hence we find women of today going to skol and achieving like their male counter parts, the reason being they dont want to be just a house wife who just get handed money but they want to take part in building that home financially and not taken for granted as just a wife

Plead:


Personally I’ve never fancied the idea. Myself and my brothers live with this ideology even in marriage and we ain’t sad about that.


Now ...general question

Does it make sense to give a working class woman monthly upkeep or whatever that stuff is called ? Upkeep should only come into the equation if your partner is a housewife or so....and doesn’t work



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let me speak as a southern african, precise zimbabwe, to me the upkeep nigerian concept is weird

why? your wife doesnt need to given the upkeep, she is supposed to run the daily finances of the house, therefore family budget is run buy her based on what husband put on the table

from there thats were she puts aside her own
money for personal needs, so she doesnt need to given but she gives herself from family income present to her by husband

this is what i grow up knowing and being practised in families

BarrElChapo:
Lol.. You know this is the worst kind of hypocrisy, when you want to get married if you aren't already, this B.S that you spewed below, is it what you're gonna do ? lemme answer for you. No. don't advise someone what you won't do yourself and by the way if you got a lawyer friend ask them to explain to you the kind of marriage that the law recognizes in Nigeria. it will broaden your mind. Goodluck

am sure you quote the me wrongly