Jokerman: I only shouted at the security man once coz I asked him to do something. He didn't coz I believe he's listening to talks. I have always asked him to flash my number when he doesn't understand something Buh he wouldn't... The next time I asked him to do something, and he refused blatantly, that's he's doing his job and his reason in front of other staff was that he didn't like the way I talked to him.. I wanted to call his company Buh my mom is saying I shouldn't although I would still change him
I feel he's feeling he's older than me, and I can't be ordering him around.
I stopped the collection of fees by this staff because they were using the money anyhow, borrowing other staff money and other people in the vicinity, so much it became a laughing stock. So when I assumed this post, I sent bulk messages to all our parents that school fees to any staff is stopped. Some found it hard to stop, hence why I introduced strictness
Now they go spoiling me this and that. I hear this stuff but I pay no attention to that. At my front, they behave, at my back, Na so so talk
i dont know whether its a african thing or not but its common among african, they cant separate social life and work what do i mean, african society we respect elders by default even at work even when you hold a senior post and they hold a junior one they still want duties at work be done via the social structure whereas work doesnt give a damn about that. Social structures dont by bring in money and thy dont pay bills
So judging from few things i notice among nigerians you guys, you either want to show power via different avenues, ie you rich and you treat servants and shiit or a senior at work you treat juniors and kids
My two cents, respect is a two way and how you talk to someone reflects reflect so
1 You said "you scold him" for me you dont scold any grown up kids are the one who needs scolding because you are just inflecting fear without the physical harms of beating. Remember you said "this reason in front of other staff " sure no grown up person wants to be scolded in front of peers, its a sign of you not also not showing respect
2 based on that scenario, you supposed, to chill as leader and identify that already there is challenge and would b good to address in front of the other staff. You meant to pretend as if you have let go of the issue and a day after or so call the person to office and talk one on one that way there is a bit of mutual respect as no one is under pressure to prove a point because there are no other staff watching.
3 Then you clearly explain to say your are the boss and what you decide is final not as dictator as a leader, some directives are you new and hard to follow but those decisions make the school's future and his job to. Explain that old habits sometimes are hard to drop but new ideas makes better changes. Also explain that you still respect him as elder as per society structure but as for work he also has to respect you and vice versa and not following orders due to not taking orders from young person wont take him far as, it doesnt pay bill nor does it make him earn more money
ctleurocollege: Before you marry her? personally I won't put pressure on a lady to do this for me before marriage but the last three weddings I attended this year all three brides were obviously pregnant, what's your view?
Benvi: My Anty won't collect anything from me for Christmas until I show her a woman I want to marry .. please any Lady who can just go home with me even if we don't feel anything for each other? All my female friends refuse to help me out.. I am ready to settle down oooo but only with a working class lady 26---36,she must also have the fear of God and will never maltreat someone else child..08030719957. Any God fearing lady, I won't take you for granted.
simple
tell her that you cant find one suitable and she must do the honours to find you one
hisexcellency34: My wife doesn't respect business agreement especially when it comes to money matters. I have always told her that there is no money too big for me to give but when it comes to business, i can be very strict. Whenever, i gave her to buy me things and she couldn't get it, she wants to keep the money and will not mention anything about refunding it but i always disagree and insist on returning my money because i didn't dash her, even if its as small as 1k. My belief is that as couple, we should learn to respect simple basic rules. If an outsider ask you to buy her things and you couldnt get it, won't you return his/her money? (Copied)
1 which things are you talking about here ? business things or personal things
2 Dont you give her, her own allowance from the monthly family budget ?
3 What so you mean no money is too big to give?
4 Which basic rules have set up for yourselves?
5 Which business agreement do you have with your wife? or you are partners in the business ?
Bjkhaleed: Pls everybody in this forum, i want you to comment on what age can a matured girl get married. My question arises from the way girls in Ota, Ogun state gets married at earlier/early age compared to ladies here in lagos who gets married at matured/adult age.
So please i want the house to state and give reasons if needed.
Thanks for the cooperation.
i think we cant put age
but lets start with law, law says 18
most women marry because of the social norm within a community or environment
on average women, marry because friends or relatives of the same age have married
if we would ask now those people who have been 10 years and above, if given a chance to go back in time would they marry at the same age, most would say NO
Because we look at people around us and think you are left out or you feel as outcast
You are over thinking there are stages you have to go through
1 you need to go through the emotional healing 1st from the cheating and from relatives not telling you the truth
2 the trial and error to try have a child or the counciling that you can have a child of your own
3 the DNA test whether your husband is the father
4 the out come of the DNA comes with a different angle, eg if he the father financially he had look after the child then the emotional and social of the child, that also bring the baby mama drama
5 Loving the child or not depends on many things, i dont see the baby mama letting you have the child
What happens when the child looses both parents in an accident?
so ? does it give you the right to use that child as a maid ?
we shouldnt take such kids in exchange for labour
if you really want look after such children take them without his transaction of looking after them and you get labour from the child
very few people take such kids out of real love but they look at the labour benefit and bribe the world by taking in much child only the treatment of them will tell you the real reasons
did you see the video of woman who slamed a poor house help on the ground?. how decoded the video, the madam expected the poor house help to buckle to her child to the seat or hold the child, but unfortunately only the mother understands the danger, the other two her child and house help are just kids they got no idea of the danger of not having seat belt or seating properly. Some how the madam fell out the car and madam grabbed the house help and slam her on floor
why she slammed her for reasons
1 she felt for her own child not being taken care of and put in danger
2 motherly love you protect your own
3 simply because that one is a house help the mother expect her be wiser on the job but surely that girl how wise would her been knowing about seating still or putting on a seat belt? that chances are she rarely ride in that car
in the west both such kids are meant to buckled by an adult if not they buckle themselves but mum checks if belts are in properly and then she closes the door
so under age house help are always in trouble because there are expected to be perfect or know things that are not really of their age therefore when get things done there are in trouble
lets learn to separate the two, taking an underage house help and helping a relative by taking in one their child to leave with you while you send to skol, there is a difference there
verabetsy: - This article is focused on house-helps and not nannies. Therefore it is assumed that the people who are regarded as house-helps here are children who are mostly below the age of eighteen.
- The reason for taking a house-help is not necessary because the person taking in the maid needs domestic assistance, but sometimes, it could be to help the child either due to large family size, poor family background, and divorce of parents or in worst case, the death of either or both parents. As you can see, some cases actually warrant taking in a maid or a foster daughter as many refer to it. You may not necessary call her maid but in as much as she/he is not your biological child but is living in the same room with you then everything written here is applicable to you.
=1
the correct wording would have been " Helping a relative to send a child to school "
based on that picture what help does that girl do at her that makes your work load less than before you took her in ?
Both your own child and the girl they still need childcare in their daily living, which cores can that girl do without being remanded, if not she has to be threatened for her not forget her chores ?
would you send your own child at that age to be house help over the holidays to help your mum and daddy? the chance of saying the too young are high right, because you clearly know that the child hasnt clearly matured for such responsibility
your intentions to help are perfect and human, but taking a child of that age for the exchange of labour and skol are wrong, there is a difference between teaching a child how to and using a child to do things
letting your child to do dishes etc is teaching, you are basically teaching them the basic of running their own homes in future by being able to do things themselves then using a child, this when you use a child to do jobs that are meant to be done by adults or someone employed eg kids who sell on the streets that job is for an adult
when you teach your kids how to cook clean etc you do it at your own pace and patience because its your child their is due care but when you teach child who am employee the whole due care is thrown out, you want things to done pronto, no room for patience because your mind tells you that this person is being paid they should know how to do it
those expectations becomes abuse, remember generally every employer wants an experienced worker so that work runs smooth, than the employer always monitoring or bucking instructions
1. Enroll her in the same school with your children: The best thing you can do for your house-help is to enroll her in the same school with your biological children, be it private or government school. There is a saying that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. The first step in maltreating housemaids is sending them in a school different from the school of the master/mistress. If truly you want to show compassion to your maid, start with this.
2. Get good clothes for him/her: Let no one differentiate between your children and your house-help by mere looking at their dresses. While shopping for clothes, shop for your housemaid too. He/she needs to look good.
3. Provide good shelter for her: Shelter does not only mean living in your house, making sure he/she sleeps on a good foam, sleeps under mosquito net, and in a well-ventilated room is also part of providing shelter for her. Some house-helps are given rooms in a place that can only be reserved for animals and yet the mistress feels she has done nothing wrong to the child.
4. Give her good food: The food you eat should be the food he/she eats. Some people are good at feeding their house-help with soured and left -over food. Some madams go as far as ensuring that the children of the family eat first before the house-help to hedge against food wastage by turning the house-help to dog. Please Ma/Sir; give her warm food just like your children!
5. Play with her sometimes: If you want to know how wicked some people are, go to their house and watch how they treat their house-help. The same way you play with your children, also play with your house-help sometimes to make her feel human too. It is not every time that you have to shout at your house assistance to drive home the point that you are the boss and she the sub-ordinate. Every human sometimes in life have the need to feel belonged.
6. Let her get close to her family: The truth is when you treat your house-help right, there is no need to be scared of taking her to her family house. The major reason people fear to take their maid to their family house is because of maltreatment. They are afraid that they maid may not be ready to follow them back to their house should they set their foot in their family house. The truth is if the maid looks well taking care of, the parents will encourage her to follow you back even if she decides not to follow you as a result of being a child.
7. Let your children respect her self-worth: have you ever been to a house and see a seven year old child calling a grown-up housemaid by her name and talking to her as if they are mates? The parents encouraged that. Teach your children how to respect your house-help. The respect accorded to them by your children can also extend to you because children who talk to their maid anyhow might one day talk to you the parents the same manner.
8. Put yourself in her shoe sometimes: As a human, we do forget things, fall sick, get tired etc. so why beat your domestic assistance up because he/she forgot one or two chores you assigned her? When he said that he is tired, can you try and understand for once? When she said that she is feeling sick, get her some drugs and allow her to take some rest. All these things may seem trivial but are very crucial in dealing with other people’s children.
9. Show her love: One would wonder whether all that have been written above is not love. This point come to show you that they content in this write-up is not exhaustive. Just apply the golden rule principle in your dealing with your house assistance. Do anything that keep him/her happy while protecting your interest and that of your family.
I know this article is prone to criticism that house-helps should be avoided in totality as people see it as a child abuse but before you criticize, not the following points:
- This article is focused on house-helps and not nannies. Therefore it is assumed that the people who are regarded as house-helps here are children who are mostly below the age of eighteen.
- The reason for taking a house-help is not necessary because the person taking in the maid needs domestic assistance, but sometimes, it could be to help the child either due to large family size, poor family background, and divorce of parents or in worst case, the death of either or both parents. As you can see, some cases actually warrant taking in a maid or a foster daughter as many refer to it. You may not necessary call her maid but in as much as she/he is not your biological child but is living in the same room with you then everything written here is applicable to you.
Below are the pictures of my sister with her little daughter and her foster daughter
thorpido: Actually,an abortion could be carried out up to about 24 weeks of pregnancy(that's about 6months). It depends on what procedure is done.The abortion that is common is done within 13 weeks of pregnancy and that is the one where pills can be used.After 13weeks,a procedure has to be done which is the D&C that is carried out in a hospital. In some cases,even after 24weeks,a baby can still be removed even though it is not legal and can simply be termed murder.It happens in medical issues where the life of the mother is at risk. Medically,it is about 11 times RISKIER to die from a pregnancy related issue than an abortion(put being a 13yr old as an added risk). The key issue here is having QUALIFIED MEDICAL PERSONNEL carry out the procedure in an ideal setting.
most people are talking of more like back door
this case in every country if reported it would be reported as rape therefore abortion would allowed by courts, so definately a specialised doctor would be given to help this girl
also since it has been said that the family wants, it to be dealt with as family issue, if reported it is treat as incest, therefore it also grants an abortion
remember there are two types of abortion
illegal and legal
this case if reported the girl would be granted a legal abortion by the courts
A772: �you don't understand all I have written up here, anyways thanks for your opinion. How will I relate it to my husband family that my father dosnt want an introduction nor marriage. Make we just gather ourselves go court. Haba, its ridiculous. Some wont support it. They will use it against me in the future.
i clearly understood what you said
its a culture do and we are taught and witness it as we grow up, it hard to change
Your is not bothered about the tradition you were taught and used to, he is asking for something out of the ordinary but that out of ordinary thing would make you married
Pavore9: In my tribe in Nigeria, the non payment nor reception of bride price puts the couple in a tough position as children from such relationship are not regarded to belong to the man but the woman's family and that's why should the man die, the man's family would still come to the woman's family to do the necessary traditional rites before they can claim the children for their late brother.
The man is not liberal but dealing with the shame that he has not achieved anything with his life, does it look like he has a home where he can invite the prospective in-laws to come to? That's why he said that the introduction and wedding proper is hinged on his daughters making sure he becomes financially comfortable so that he can have something to show off to the in-laws.
i respect your culture and tradition and belief
but can i challenge your culture, tradition and beliefs regarding this matter
is skol fees and the looking after of kids born such expensive more than kids born out a traditional wedding ? am sure your answer is No
my point is once kids are born whether, its out of wedlock, no traditional wedding or civil wedding responsibility of looking after the kids doesnt care whether they bellong to the father or mother, its is the responsibility of the two people who produced those kids to look after them
if they belong to the father does that fact put more food on the table ? No
lets say kids are born out a marriage that was via registry only no tradition and parents are happly living together and the kids are now grow up people, do they say they belong to the father only , simply because no tradition wedding was done ?
kids belong to both parents iregardless how the parents got married
Finally am not saying your beliefs and culture are wrong, thats what you are taught to belief and you follow that and i respect that and am not saying change but i simply challenging your belief and try to see the bigger picture from how i see it
Pavore9: You know many in Nigeria believe that traditional wedding is the sign of acceptance of both families. Most families feel that when bride price has not been paid nor received, the couple are just merely cohabiting. For the father, the family has enabled him too far with his delusion of grandeur which is explained as thus: A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one's own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
He can't be holding his daughters to ransom with his wickedness and selfishness, that he will not traditionally marry them out until he becomes rich, I hope you did not skip where she wrote "He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper"...what a failure of a father!
The best in the present situation is for the OP and her sisters to get involved with men who alongside the men's families will be comfortable with just a court and church wedding without the traditional and cut off from their father for he has nothing positive to contribute to their lives as he has proven to be toxic.
i get your point
but is that when you marry in most african traditions you follow what the father -in -law be say or what their says
so in this case the father in law has said a court wedding suits him well its unfortunately culture and tradition ties us down sometimes when one request our of the norm like in this case
in my own country of zimbabwe i have heard stories and last week my own cousin was forced to follow what the in laws want aka he went through the traditional marriage process, but they wouldnt let him take his wife. why? there request was we release our daughter to you via a white wedding
And my cousin had no choice but to find a near date to wed so he have his wife
like someone said her ex and his family are more of a traditional belief and her own father is more of liberal person
lets put his non parental role in the growing up of his kids, many men would rush to marriage those simply because financially the father is not demanding anything he only wants his daughters to have a registry wedding
as africans practising both traditional values and civil laws aka law we marry twice financially, 1st its dowry and if you want the civil/white wedding you pay again as like in native zimbabwe, it is the responsibility of the son -law to also pay for a white wedding, so there you are marrying twice
if my father in law only demands a white wedding i will not be bothered about tradition wedding
Pavore9: Let's be blunt and truthful, the father is no way indirectly protecting her! I hope you didn't skip where she wrote that her 2 elder sisters who are between the ages of 32-35 are unmarried and probably because of the mess of their father's life. I recall posting somewhere about a secondary school classmate of mine whose father abandoned her and her sister with their mother. She said it from the onset that her father will not even get a kolanut on top of her head and she kept to it, now married to a Dutch and with kids. It is her father and his family that have been requesting she comes home to formalize her marriage traditionally and she told them she is not interested as they have no blessings to give as people who rejected them as children
you are mixing things like her
me from the reading i have understand were anger is coming from and the blame of not having a better life, but lets be serious you cant get up 32-35 year and still blame your parents
if you have noticed where your parents went wrong, what have you done yourself to improve your own situation ? dont get me wrong from her own story what the father did was wrong in not supporting and looking after his children but what has the girls done to improve their own lives ?
the father never denied her to be married, the father only put an approval to a registry wedding than a traditional one
whereas her ex, a traditional wedding is more important than what the father is suggesting
A772: He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper.
Even my mums pastors tried sharing some wedding bills among themselves just for him to have no financial excuse but he said they are embarrassing him and that he wants to make it in life to be able to take care of all our wedding all alone, even without our husbands contributing a dime. Thus we should only go for court , when he has money of his own, he will be pleased to meet his in-laws.
sister your story is very simple to solve
let me break it down
1 the break up of your father and mum filled you with the anger torwards your father and whatever good he does it doesnt wipe off what you went through with your mother
2 your father is indirectly protecting you but you dont see it, because of the anger and also you dont how powerful a court wedding aka registry wedding versus a traditional wedding, in simple terms if you have a court wedding and divorce one day you are protected by law to share what you both aquired during the period of marriage and not even divorce but death
3 A traditional marriage, leaves you vulnerable to due to most african tradition were the family of the late husband would grab everything you built with your late husband
4 Am not saying traditional shouldnt be done, but both you, your ex and you didnt understand the role these type of marriages play in our lifes, let me explain for most african tradition no white/registry wedding happens before the traditional wedding, what do we mean by traditional wedding we mean the whole process of introduction to the actual paying of dowry and the celebration party, all those process bring the two families together and witness and acknowledge that your marriage, then from that point you can go ahead to do a white wedding because the traditions have been done,
Usually those who do a white before a traditions wedding means there is something not right
5 Your ex he believed more into a traditional wedding nothing wrong with that, its his beliefs or how he was taught to say if there is no traditional marriage then its not marriage, but one main thing from your father, he ok for you to marry he only values the registry marriage because its protects you
Unique357: This evening when I returned home, she didnt save any foods for me so I didnt bother to ask her too since she was still angry ( frowned face ), I went to the kitchen i prepared noodles. By the times the kids went to sleep, I asked If I can have a chat with her quietly , she has made it clear that theres nothing to chat about since I have put the girl as my priorities and I don't love her anymore , I should go to my new wife have a chat with her, she is referring to our house help and she gave me back the money that I should shop for my new wife myself. Well I have tried convincing her that she and the kids will always be my first priorities but it doesn't mean that we should treat otheel people bad. She didnt seems interested, she says that she left the room for my new wife , she left the room and she went to sleep in our children room. I was not expecting her to go this far . It's really sad how she doesn't want us to settle the matter in peace
you are good man with a good heart
ask your wife that if you dont treat well and make your maid feel welcome and loved. how do you expect her to treat the kids very well
and worse trust the food she cooks for the family if she made to feel less loved within a working environment
ADAMUdaCOWBOY: There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He sends her to school and buys her Christmas clothes with no evidence of beating. It is legal!
no no your are wrong
its one thing at a time
she cant be house help and going to skol at the same time
if she is going to skol she would spends at least 6 hours of the day at skol and came back and do house chores right meaning something will give in there either skol work or house chores
in this scenario skol will suffer, because there is no way madam will make her relax after skol, she has to do the house chores
unless madam, what to really better the girl's life, she would do the evening chores while the girl do home work aka assignment as nigerians say, then in this scenario would we call her a house help or helping a relatives with an education ?
Africans in general we see it as helping if we take any below 18 to be a house help but in reality you are taking part in destroying that person's future because by law there are supposed to be in skol
jagojunior: If by reading about how she took the baby to her mother which they kicked against quoting cultural variation as the beginning of the problem was missed by you, then your advice won't help her here.
During my Traditional Marriage, my wife was explicitly told by her people that she belongs to my family and our culture is now her culture (of course it's an inter-tribal marriage). That advice has been helping her a great deal since we got married especially when it's an issue that has to do with culture.
From the OP narrative, the decision to take the baby to stay with her mother (i.e. her family) was strictly hers. This means she pulled the trigger, drew the 1st blood that started all the shit. By doing that alone showed that she was coming to battle the family and assert herself over the husband and his family.
Secondly, the OP is over 10yrs in marriage and according to her, the problem started after the birth of her 1st baby. By my calculation, probably the 1st year of her marriage. Ask yourself this, how did she resolve that little incident with the husband and his family? For the husband to always direct the OP to settle things with the sisters shows that he isn't ready to take side; which by my judgement is a good thing because they're all ONE BIG FAMILY
The OP didn't complain that the sisters hated her before she got married (another vital point to note). Something got broken along the line and it's a good thing that she already knows the origin of her crisis.
I want to believe that the husband is trying his best to bring unity to the family. The evidence is all written in his decision to wait for the sisters' family before taking his family and them out; going out together is a way of promoting unity, and secondly, his insistence on the wife working things out with his sisters. Do you think that there are no excesses from the wife's own family that the husband is overlooking for peace to reign? The pointer to that question is that the OP didn't complain for once if there's any friction between the husband and her own family. The wife should draw her strength from there and use him as a model for herself.
The OP knows the whole truth about her situation. Let her work on herself first, then she can join forces with the husband to fix the family.
The sequence to solving the problem should be: 1. OP dealing with her excesses 2. OP joining forces with the husband 3. Both fixing the sisters excesses
we analyse differently
1 from her writting there is no mentioned about mother -in-law, i (we) assume she is not in the picture right ? if she was/she is why she is not part or took part in the looking after the child ?
2 remember she got pregnant and married while at skol right meaning she was running three things at same time, skol child and marriage which is not an easy things when you are young, hubby family expects you to play your daughter-in-law role, skol needs attending and the child needs her mother, only her mother came in to help where was/is mother -in-law
3 1st years of most marriages are run by beliefs and tradition than the newly weds themselves, what i mean both of your would be imposing your beliefs and tradition on each other based on how your were brought up and how your elders tell you how you should run a marriage. It takes years to established your foundation as a couple hence this woman after 10 years her marriage is not still established as sister have more influence in her marriage
4 Forget about her not complaining about the sisters before marriage, basically which right did she had to complain about the sisters before marriage ? we all know that usually people are nice before marriage you only see the true colours after being officially in
Oyiboman69: The lady is jealous of their coming to their house . she also complained that it's only when they are around,that was when the hubby will take the kids and her in-laws out. She's just being selfish if you ask me
you are being biased
lets reverse it how would you feel
if your wife only cooks your favourite meal when his brother and wife visits you
Moboj: Nigeria's culture has really promoted elders being really biased Someone will ask for advice on how thing's hurts Everyone hurts from different shoe's, you'll never see it from their own point of view Since we can't know if the story is true biko just go with logic and give two scenario's Be a logical elder and not a sentimental one
its not a Nigerian thing only but a common bad culture among universal african customs whereby elders by birth think there are wiser than anyone younger than them and the young one tend to follow every bark by the so called elder
this woman's husband is the young who look up too much to his elders sister without realising that he is also damaging his own marriage
Abusive elders are not partial but dictators by virtue of being of just being an elder by birth
innobarca: Her mum should have seen that from the day one, and guide her daughter on the right track.
They did not like her bc of that, The husband should have looked into it then.
Do not dictate for people how they share love between wife and family bc you do not know how they grew up( Some were trained solely by their elder sister, some gave their kidney to their junior bro, some sacrifice something for their brothers, some grew up fighting for each other, So even after they got married it is difficult to separate them from their mother or siblings.
Let me ask, Why is it that most Married Women tend to love and care for their own mother, siblings more than even their husband? That's it.
Are they not supposed to love the husband more?
guide her to which right track? based on what she said it is the sister-in-law manipulating the husband
remember the dislike of the mum started the moment she stepped in to help her daughter so from there she was disliked so whatever she said to her daughter as guidance would be said she is interfering with marriage
jagojunior: So you didn't read where she took the baby to stay with her Mom after taking in?
�
still it doesnt change the narrative of the story
what you are failing to capture in this story is
1 there is no mentioning of mother-in-law, who would have stepped in to help her daughter with the new baby? hence we hear that her own mum stepped in which makes sense to me
2 in most african cultures (am to hear of one ) it not the cultural role of your husband's sister's to help you when you have gave birth especially the married ones, they got their homes to run
3 my assumption these are the type of sister that act as if their are there to help but know its a move that benefits them financially eg them having the child would mean getting extra cash in the name of baby food etc
Nat404: Okay but this is just an African mentality, a European woman takes her husband's siblings as hers. Whereas in Nigeria, it's a different ball game in the sense that when a man brings a woman home as his wife, the wife tends to drive away her husband's siblings.
you are wrong dear you are watching to many movies
these things happen in every society in life be it africans, europeans asians etc
example look at the media how they paint MEGHAN Prince Harry's wife they say the royals dont like her because they think she has made HARRY change
look at AMIR KHAN the boxer, how his family dont like his wife
innobarca: You took your child to your mother? Why? I thought you were married then so how will your own mother dictate what happens in your home. In my place, it is a disrespect to the husband's family. Your problem started from there.
They don't like your mom, Why? Because she make decisions in your home? If your mom is running your home then it's never good.
It is very difficult for all your husband family to hate you, there should be 1 person that loves you.
Your husband know you very well, he loves you,He love his sisters too.
Your husband loves your mom and your family, I am sure of that bc you did not say otherwise. So pls don't make him hate his own sisters.
I remembered many years ago when my sister brought her child home bc of some issues in her marriage, my parents told her to take the child to the husband's family.
She did and they told her to stay with them for few days, within that few days the husband people made peace between her and the husband.
Most times the problem starts little by little.
Make peace with his sisters, let your husband see it by himself. Then he will know you have done your part.
There is no problem in your marriage.
which post did you read?
you are replying to your own version of the story
1 her own mum came to look after the child and that move the sisters took it as "her own mum has influence in her daughter's marriage"
2 so since that incident they have never liked her mum
3 Love for your sister/s and wife are totally different things, they cant be grouped into the same basket
Gforce2015: Since you said your hubby is the only one doing well in that family. Nah where the trouble come be that. Maybe your hubby has been give them a lot of money and gifts before you marry him and after una marriage, the gifts are not coming as it ought to. And if you and your hubby are financially strong before and after you met your husband it couldn't as been this battles you are facing now but maybe you also are like a gold-digger person. Anyway, you have tried but you need to work harder....The hard true is that since you're still tie to their brother, the family is expecting some responsibility from you which you have failed to do. So, let elderly in this family call husband and his sister so as to know how best to solve your teething issue
but some of these sisters are married, so its their's husband's responsibility to look after their on wives and children, if the sister what help from the brother, then their husband's should ask their man to man for help
My belief is directly helping a married sister without the the involvement of her husband is indirectly disabling her husband effort and role in that marriage, with time the stupid wife would end up not respecting her own husband because the husband financial role is being done by brother
Ralpdee123: Good morning Nairalanders, I am tired of my marriage and I am considering divorcing my wife of 8 years. I need mature advice either........
Please pardon my grammatical blunders....
I met this Lady at the banking all 7 years ago, it was love at first sight. I approached her and poom! we exchanged numbers, we talked briefly and said she resided in Abuja and would be returning in a week so we decided to meet at an eatery before she leaved.
We met and discussed about life aspirations and all that, I told her how I wished we get along and God willing we get married. Then she responded saying that do I know I have to be hardworking and responsible of I'm truly serious about marriage etc. I said I ma trying that things we fall in place.........
The Lies: 1) She travelled and we kept in touch through text messages and calls etc... She told me she was a virgin and had broke up with her bf bla bla....then i had promised to come and see her in few months time to reassure how I'm serious about her....blabla...... 2 weeks before my travel day to meet her, she called on evening and started crying over the phone, what happened, I enquired, she said she was RAPED by her ex BF... Oh gosh! How come? he trickked me over to his place and it happened..... I got mad and fasttrackked my going to meet her..........
2) I eventually visited and she explained how it all happened,I said no wahala... Being the first time we were seeing after a long time, I didn't make any attempt to sex her as that wasn't my priority. She left my place and I accompanied her to the busstop to leave, while there she brought up an issue like she wants me to touch her or something like that..... We returned to my room and boom it happend.... I came in all over her...etc.. 3 weeks later, she told me she missed her period and was pregnant... I was in 300l at this time.... I was like oh....OK... Save this preg! We would. Find away around telling our parents bla bla....... Girl said no that she would have do abort it.... I said no pls don't.... And one even she called that her friend took her to a place and she has terminated the pregy... I felt bad......
3) Hide and Lied about the status of her parents and families.... As she was telling me, I was informing my siblings... Now that everything is done it was hard to do the damage control cos mum and everyone thinks I have been lying all along.....
Relocate to Lagos...... She finally moved to Lag and this time I was in my final year.... While writing my finals she called that she is pregnant... This time real pregnancy.... I said live it.... Not that that was the next thing but for the love that had beclouded my sense of reasoning at that time..... I manage to get 1 room sef apartment in Lagos so I have a sense of independence, not that I was planning anything marriage......my wife began to bring in her things one by one and before I knew what was happining, it was hard to let go....... Technically, she don get belle.... And I don marry wife automatically.........
From School to Marriage:
It was he'll for me becos I was around 25/26 around this time, mum c was complaining bitterly that I am not ready for for this, and dad to left me with my stubbornness..... So I struggled with this lady.... I told her that we can work around all these things and still come out good.....
Meeting her Parents & Her Education: One of her big aunt has been the brain behind manipulating me to marry her and bla bla... She took me to see her parents, my one parent ain't aware of shit.... There they brain washed me that I was the Afesona... Like Fiance and etc.... Father told me that I will take responsibility from that moment on....... At that time she had a failed admission that I later knew about.......... Then I said PT program would be a nice option.... Yaba or Laspotech... The Dad told me that it's easier said than done because if tomorrow comes now and they are asking for school fees we I should count him out..... I'm like OK Daddy, the first school fees is a bit much, pay half lemme pay half and the subsequent onces I will pay..... Daddy refused to pay o..... I ended up using my house rent that I saved for about 6 months to pay for the school fees....... And the real issue began...... Weekly tfare, feeding, handouts, test, assignment bills I come lean like Dryfish..... No joy at all... A young grad like me.......my life was upside down....
Setting Up Business for her:
I later called her and told her the load is too much for me that she should start to do something to support us.... She was studying business admin at this time, I said she should learn a trade that she will later blend in with her Business admin....she said catering would be cool and we both agreed.... I searched for another money to send her to catering school again....now she is doing OND and catering school together plus pregnancy...... My both eyes went hollow and I am permanently stressed at that time......life became unbearable and I encouraged myself that it's only. Matter of time...... My wife delivered at the last month of the catering school.... Then the stress of a baby.....set in... Wife isn't working.....
I started Noticing her Laziness:
After 6 months, I told her to return to round up her catering school, get her certificate and start something...she said yes and it ends there....she didn't go.... Months after she said that academy is bad they didn't teach them well bla bla....that she wants to go to another Catering institute..... Then I told her to search..... For 6moths madam didn't see any, I had to do it myself.... Than I saw one of the top catering institute in Maryland, I paid oh.... Practicals, this and that..... I went broke again.....
After the course, I took her to the market bought almost all catering equipment and did a comcard and etcs... Madam pretended for a month and she abandoned everything........
Laziness Continues: She insisted my cousin sister should come live with us, most of the times, it is my cousin that do all the cleaning, washing, bathing the kids etc... She will just sit down in one angle and that will be all.... When I talk, she would just laugh and that is all.....
Can't Cook & Wants me to eat any crap she cooks like that.. I have resorted to buying cooked food on my way home cos I most times take to spoons of her served meal and I would lost appetite completely.... Then I will go hungry and lean as a result.... I can't come and kill myself..... Untop someone that don't give a dam about me.......
Pregnant again:
Immediately my boy clocks two I told her that before any pregnancy, I have to set her up first so that the burden would be free a bit....... She said OK.... And few months after she went on admission only to tell me that she's pregnant again.....
Long story short: I am tired of the marriage right now.. What should I do...
Pardon my very long epistle..........
nigga pliz you are a mumu
you complain of her getting pregnant as if you aint sleeping with her.
if you are married and not ready for more kids, both of you, you go to see a doctor and get advised on contraceptives, most are female based but you need to understand and support each on the decision of not having kids when finance and mental capacity is not there
you are partly to blame on the pregnancy part, what part are you playing yourself that helps in her not getting pregnant ?
You ripped what you saw what your reason to rush into marriage when you were still at Uni ? No well groomed girl would just move in with you, without lying to her parents, when she started moving things in slowly did you ever asked yourself if her parents knew that she had moved in with you ?
As much as she looks bad, your are also bad making right decisions to prevent future problems
bryanarchie: we've been through a lot as a couple and I'm really tired of trying to get my point through but to no avail.my hubby wants to travel home to his parents because he got an invitation from his very sick dad to come over for Christmas (I was not invited, long story).I do not want him to go this season (after new year is okay) because I want us to spend Christmas together (me him and our sons) we've never spent Christmas together in our home.when he travels, he comes back flat broke and I'm left with the burden of our home for January.I feel he should not abandon his uber business this season.I want us to crossover together as a family.he is insisting and I'm not having it....
please am I wrong, because his mother and father are in their home, why can't he stay with us.travelling with him is not an option.
you need to separate your issues, you havent spend a christmas together as family for a while and whenever he came back he is broke as ever
thats issue 1 & 2
1 always away during xmas 2 cames back broke
1st issue have you talked of what you feel about him always away during exmas, sometimes as people we fail to consider the person next to you wife/hubby
2nd issue its poor planning based on my experience, lets say you have been married for 10 yrs by the time you reach 6 years you have figured it out that poor planning over spending over just less than 5 days, then the rest of 25 days your are broke and the skols fees etc is waiting for you
Then your final issue, if it was your own mum/dad asking you to visit him/her would you ignore the request ?
Jobs/Vacancies › Re: How Do I Handle This Issue At Work? by ZIMDRILL(m): 6:54pm On Dec 28, 2019
