₦airaland Forum

...when you are from the ghetto yourself. You know that thing about birds of the same feather flocking together?

@psky - Yes na, you suppose fear hip hop music na!

@folley20 - Are you the only one in the whole of Israel who does not know the real meaning of "real"?

@seyibrown - I'm so glad you found it hilarious and you were thrilled because that's exactly the plan. Please do grab a copy because that too, is also part of the plan. It is in an Amazon kindle eBook format.

And...

@eddy - ***Speaking in Pontius Pilate's voice*** What I have written, I have written!

He said to him, “You see my friend, before we picked you for the job; we knew you would be the right man for the job. We knew that you were in charge of the apostles’ treasury which also meant that you were going to be so money minded. We also knew that you are so greedy so it wasn’t hard for us to arrange that deal for you. We knew you would easily sell out.”

“But we didn’t stop there. We knew we had to protect ourselves from any possible backlash that you may cause us which is why we made sure that you will be in no position to threaten us and as you can now see, it was right we did. You see, immediately you left with those soldiers to betray your master, we sent our men to your house and they ransacked and took away all the money that was in your possession.”

“We also made sure there was no way you are going to connect us with the arrest of your master by paying you with fake coins. We thought you were smart but as it turned out, you really surprised us with your birdbrain when you didn’t even recognize the difference between a real currency and the fake silver coins we dished out to you. For someone who was in charge of the treasury, I must say that you really disappointed us but then what could we say? We already know that there are lots and lots of things that greed could do to a man. The plan to pay you the remaining part was even part of the ploy to get you fully committed and to top it off; we promised you that phantom house…”

“So you see man, you were really stupid and heartless! You sold out your master and all the other apostles saw you do it. Who will believe your story when you go out there and start telling them that you were deceived by us into betraying your master? And even if you present those fake coins to them as evidence, nobody will be able to connect them to us because we don’t deal with fake coins. You are a big fool and a very big loser! Obviously our plan to play you at your own game of betrayal really pulled off. Now get the hell out of here and stop disturbing our peace!”

Judas now knew that the game was up. There was nothing he could do again. He thought of begging them for forgiveness and for them to show him a little mercy. He thought about telling them he was only joking but he knew that no one was going to trust him again because he has proved to everyone the double-crosser he was.

In anguish, he threw down the thirty pieces of silver coins he had in his hands on the floor and as he did that those high priests burst into an uncontrollable fit of derisive laughter.

Judas knew he was finished. He had only one thing in mind now. He was going to end it all now. He was now in tears. He knew he couldn’t stand the shame of people discovering his being fooled in such a cheap manner by these scheming old men. He knew the other disciples will never forgive him for this evil he has done and each and every one of them they will definitely seek to revenge against him in one way or the other.

It was now that he really understood what Jesus meant when he said that it would be better for the person who will betray him that he was never ever born!

Crestfallen, remorseful and completely defeated, he ran outside and as he was running he saw a rope lying carelessly on the street. He quickly dropped his rucksack, grabbed the rope and started racing towards the bush.


Want to read more of such stories? Do you really want to know the “real” reason why Job refused to curse God and die? Or the “real” reason why the Prodigal Son went back to his father? I guess you will be so much interested in finding out what really happened to the Three Wise Men afterwards?

Don't tell me you don't want me to give you the full details of how Delilah was able to conquer Samson the Great or even why the Good Samaritan battled to save the life of that Jewish guy plus why Moses had to run away from Egypt?

So, if you want to enjoy more of these type of funny Bible stories that you have never been told before, then check out Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told to get them today!

Happy reading.

Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told

He soon reached the place where those high priests resided. He knocked on the doors but no one answered even though he could hear some footsteps, some noise and hip hop music playing in the background suggesting that someone was inside the house. He was now in hasty mood as his heart continued to palpitate and his fears continued to mount. He was also finding it very difficult to breathe now.

He started banging heavily on the metallic door.

One of the priests, angered by that very disturbance and for the interruption from the wine they were drinking at that time of the day, reluctantly went and opened the door and when he saw it was Judas, he scoffed and made to bang the door again in his face but Judas was quicker. He quickly stepped inside with rage and immediately started demanding for his complete payment in a very high, harsh and rage filled voice.

Surprisingly, none of the five high priests said anything to him. They just allowed him to rant and rave until he calmed down and could rant no more before they asked him what he really wanted.

“I want my complete payment now. The deal is done and like we agreed, you have to give me my remaining balance and you have to do that right now!"

You can imagine the shock Judas got when the five high priests suddenly burst into laughter. Judas was now completely flabbergasted!

Why, what and who on earth were they laughing at?

But as he was about to raise his voice once more, the head priest cut him short and said to him, “My friend, will you shut up there! What money are you talking about? Did you do any work for us? What exactly did you do for us, again…? Look my friend; we don’t know what you are talking about and we owe you nothing! Why don’t you just go back to that whorehouse where you came from and ask those whores you have been frolicking with throughout the whole night where they kept your money? You know it’s almost daybreak and as you can see, we are yet to sleep so in case you are not yet feeling sleepy, please allow us now to have our own sleep and stop disturbing our peace, OK…?”

Judas suddenly saw the whole picture. These guys were not ready to pay. He knew he had to threaten and coerce them into acting up but he also knew he was now at their mercy and his chances of escaping were gradually thinning down.

He started to threaten them. He told them he was going to tell the whole world how they cheated him and how they deceived him into selling out an innocent man and how they promised to buy him a very comfortable villa if he delivered. He threatened that he was going to reveal to the whole world how evil they were which will then make so many people to come to realize how fake, wicked, untrustworthy and unworthy they were to be high priests.

After Judas was through with his threats which surprisingly didn’t make any of them bulge, the head priest spoke up once more.

****************************************

So he quickly scampered down the garden and started heading to his home to collect a few belongings he knew he might need. He knew he had to do that very fast because his home was definitely the first place they will come looking for him so he had to clear out.

Besides, he had to collect some money for the journey too. He also knew that he needed to get an international passport and if possible change his identity so that it will not be possible for anyone to trace him in the new country where he will be going to spend some time in; at least until the dust he has raised settles. Since he was the treasurer to the apostles, he knew he had to act fast and take all that money before the others come for him for their money too.

On reaching his house, he quickly threw in a couple of shirts and some jeans trousers, his toothbrush, his dark shades and his shaving stick into a rucksack. He wanted to shave off his long beard to continue with his planned disguise but he quickly decided against doing that simply because he knew he was already running out of time.

He reached for the bag where he kept the apostles’ money and his heart suddenly froze. The bag of money was no longer there!

Where could it be? Had someone broken into his house and taken the whole money while he was away at Gethsemane doing the dirty job?

Sh it! He cursed under his breath as he searched for it everywhere but couldn't find it. He thought selling out his master was going to be easy job but it appears as if nemesis was already catching up with him and it was happening so soon!

Anyway with no time to waste on regretting, he remembered he still had in his pockets the thirty pieces of silver that he took as part payment for the dirty job of betraying his master and those priests also agreed to pay him the remaining part once the job is done so that means he still had somewhere to start from.

Quickly, he slung the rucksack on his back, closed the windows and locked his doors, and without leaving any note of his whereabouts to whomever it might concern, he left in very quick steps.

**************************

As Judas watched the Roman soldiers drag Jesus away from the Garden of Gethsemane after arresting him, a great fear suddenly seized him.

He had also watched as the other apostles fled including one unidentified man who had to run away na ked after leaving his cloth behind in the hands of the soldiers while resisting arrest, and he knew he had to act very fast.

The main reason why he became afraid was because he suddenly felt so lonely. It suddenly dawned on him that all these while he had been an apostle that he really enjoyed the company of all those other guys but it’s like it was now time for him to start another life.

He started to consider the reprisal attack that the other apostles might be planning against him already immediately they went back to regroup because they had seen him kiss their master at the Garden and they all knew what that meant. He was aware that there could be a case of a very big manhunt for him which he may not be able to survive unless he acted fast.

He had seen Simon Peter cut off someone’s ear in a flash and with no remorse and his great fear for that guy awakened once more. He knew how determined Simon Peter could be if he sets his mind on anything and he didn't want to be a direct victim of that guy’s wrath because he had could still recollect how the guy mercilessly and single-handedly beat up both Thaddeus and Philip on that very day those two disrespected him.

So that left him with only one option. He had to leave town and he had to do that very fast. In fact, he had to leave town now!

*********************************

No, I can't feel comfortable with it at all.

Yes, call me the over protective brother and I know I won't marry my sister but a lot of things are at stake here.

If there's a dispute between them, where will my loyalty lie or who do I take sides with?

Will I trust my friend or my sister, under the influence of love and being open to each other, not to go revealing certain things about me that the other party does not know before?

Will my friend still be able to share the juicy details of any of his sexcapades again knowing that it is either my sister he talking about or cheating on assuming he does it with other women?

Remember the Tony Montana guy in that 1983 movie called Scarface!

Well...well...well...why all the intense angst?

At least there are some (bitter) truth in (some of) the things said in the fake tweet.

Meanwhile, hey Kim where are you? Will the real Kim that collected Half a million dollars just the other day please stand up...

Yes, come over here my babe, sorry, bape. Now kneel down here. What they are saying, is it true? Didn't your hot mum teach you anything else besides some bedside manners? You say what? Speak up I can't hear you!

You say what? It's not you...? I knew it. I knew you can't say such a thing. You are too mwuaah to say such a thing. Only people in third world countries like Ghana or Kenya can say such a disgusting thing!

Sorry my dear. Now speaking of apes...smile for me please lemme even see if you look like an ape. Okay, that's good. That's good.

Wow! Sh it! If all apes looked like you...oh my Gosh!

Now, stand up and turn around. Do it slowly. Yeah...yeah, shake it a lil,that thing yo'r maama gave you, yeah...that's my girl, I mean, that's my ape!

billmelindagates.eugenics.globalpopulationcontrol.datsall

Jealousy is easily identified as the problem here.

Gay or not, obviously some people are having a great difficulty in accepting that your life is far much better than theirs. Ride on my brother Uti. You are already living the life so many of them can only dream of but can never have.

Don't even bother to prove anything to them because their twisted minds are already made up and they will always see what their voyeuristic eyes want to see.

The big lesson I could take from this is: Watch what you post on social media like facebook and nairaland, most especially nairaland, because it might be used against you one day!

K.

Please, is Torres now a slave?

I thought it's only slaves that can be sold?

Hmm...football is another form of modern day slavery.

Wow, what am I seeing?

It's like so many Nairaland graduates have a 3rd class, huh?

Look at the way they are expressing their views with that terrible but defeatist mentality that "half bread is better than none."

Ha ha ha. No wonder some people write rubbish here...

Seun, I hope you are not one of them, right?

I for say.

After visiting Nigeria for the very first time and spending the past three days in the country, the following are some of the things I have discovered that haven't changed that much in the country.

The invisible hand of OBJ. I don't know about you but as for me, I have observed this guy OBJ is the most influential Nigerian dead or alive. In fact, this guy should be called Mr. Nigeria!

The name NEPA. Change the name and call it PHCN or power holding or whatever, I’ve noticed that people still swear or yell "Nepa" whenever there’s power outage and when the power is restored. And talking about power outage…

The incessant power outage. My Gosh, is this how you guys have been living in this country with all those terrible noise from those generators with their poisonous fumes?

The belief in the superiority of the Army over the Police. Maybe it’s me, I don’t know for sure, but I think from what I have seen and heard, the Army commands more respect than the Police in your country.

The NTA logo. This logo has come to stay, no stories. If you think the design old, that’s your business. And talking about NTA…

The NTA 9pm Network News jingle. Whoever did that jingle is supposed to have received millions and millions of Naira in royalties by now, I guess.

Ethnicity first, One Nigeria later... Why?

God is the answer. Everywhere I go; people keep on talking about and praying to this miracle working God that can do and undo.

Paper Qualification first. For some inexplicable reasons which I must have missed, I think people in this country love and cherish paper certificates so much.

Foreign goods are better. They've been praising and admiring and asking me how much I bought my shoes, my watch and my cellphone. Please I don’t want to start looking for my legs or my arm or even my wife’s head just because she’s from Brazil.

Unnecessary delay in obtaining government documents. I thought obtaining a driver’s license and car number plate was supposed to be the easiest ‘walk in’ affair in the world until they told me to come back in two week’s time! Someone even subtly suggested I should pay some money to facilitate things. And that reminds me, please do you people worship money in this country?

And the last but not the least for me…

That weird name Ciroma Chukwuma Adekunle that is seen on the WAEC question papers. Are you sure that guy is really a Nigerian?

So what about you? What are the things you have noticed that haven’t changed that much or at all in Nigeria?

If you can do the math, you will surely find out that Nigeria will be winning her next AFCON in the year 2037 i.e. exactly 24 years from now!

Nigerian movies? Don't make me laugh.

Of course, it is only in Nigerian movies that the soundtrack can tell the whole story, the kids don't act as if they are with their real parents, you never get to see any scene shot inside an airplane, every story line has something to do with love, African parents 'normally' have only one child, the Pastors can heal "every every" and the unreal sex scenes does not even last as much as I would have wanted .


http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/the-problem-with-Nollywood

I participated in the NYSC NIM examinations during my NYSC some years back but my membership to Nigeria Institute of Management(Chartered) unofficially ended after the induction with my collection of the NIM certificate.

But I want to know if there is any Corps member that participated in the program who still continued with his/her membership after the induction.

Is there any legal way to officially end the NIM membership?

You see, the thing is that NIM still sends me SMS notification for some outstanding membership payments which I am supposed to pay (even though I have never been an active member since then) but I don't want anyone to take me to court one day on the premises that I have been a habitual fee defaulter .

There's something so fascinating about these gay topics on nairaland.

I believe the gays use it to test and also vamp up the support for that their secret lifestyle.

The non gays use it to see if they can assuage that their curiosity in trying to understand the unknown.

The undecided tune in to see if they will get enough cue that will help them make their decisions.

The top guns at the Nairaland Headquarters are not left out.

They like it because it always guarantees traffic. No wonder the word gay does not PRECIPITATE on nairaland!

Why is it that when some people leave the Catholic Church (maybe because of one problem or another), they make it seem as if their problem was connected to their attending the Catholic Church?

Sometimes, it just makes me to wonder. One of such people who used to receive Holy Communion and even had Confirmation with me, apparently in a bid to recruit me, is now telling me about this miracle working "God of Winners" that I am still so 'blind' to see(and experience) because I am still in the 'dark'.

So my question is this: is Catholic Church really the problem? Or is there really something Catholics are seriously missing?

1. You are cursed if you are an Arsenal fan who is still praying that Robin van Persie breaks his legs instead of praying that Arsene Wenger breaks the bank and buy quality players.

2. You are cursed if you cannot speak your language.

3. You are cursed if you suffer from premature ejaculation. Although your women may not complain openly to you, you already know "there's fire on the mountain."

4. You are cursed if you are a steady WAEC/NECO/JAMB customer year in, year out - with no end in sight!

5. You cursed if you have no shoes as a child. Even if you get lucky and become a President later in life, it won't stop people from cursing you and saying you are clueless most especially if you tamper with their fuel price.

6. You are cursed if you allow your wife (and her family) to take complete control of you and your home with (all) her relatives living in your house while none of yours can even visit you and your excuse is that you are doing it for "the sake of peace". I am not laughing at you, believe me .

7. You are cursed when you spend (almost)all your time on 2go, Watsapp, Facebook, Twitter, BBM etc. Mind you, I did not forget to add p0.rn sites too...

8. You are cursed if you are a kidnapper, rapist, armed robber, yahoo-yahoo etc. Unemployment is not an excuse! Wake up, there's something called karma...

9. You might be cursed is you are a single obese woman. Forget it, love is not blind - on matters like that!

And the last but not the least,

10. You are cursed if you are gay. No stories...people will always have a reason to hate you!

tpacalipse, you are the real deal.

Don't be fazed by all these people calling you names, especially the ladies. I got the same reaction when I wrote this http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women article.

The ladies will complain that you are harsh, 'not caring' and a misogynist but that's simply because they are reacting to the fact that they have lost their power over you!

The trick is to be a cool guy by charming and treating a woman very good but still show her that you can walk out at anytime when you can't take her nonsense anymore. It makes them to get serious because no right thinking human being will like to walk out of a good deal.

Deep down, they instinctively know that any man who does not take shyt is the type that will be reliable in the long run.

Wow! I love the findings.

My order was 5, 3, 4, 2, 1

I turned the tap off first but I didn't know it signified sex . Actually I did it because I didn't like the idea of wasting water and having to mop the floor.

Then, I rushed to see why someone is at my door. I thought something might be not be okay for this person to be yelling.

Then, I went to collect the clothes that hung outside because that will be like double work for me to wait for them to dry up again.

Only then did I decide to see why the baby was crying. Don't blame me. Babies do cry all the time.

As for the telephone, I didn't even care. The caller will surely call back if s/he has something useful to say to me...

@OP, I must say you are really crazy.

I just pictured your first example: Ngozi Okonjo Iweala F I N G E R E D in a N20 Billion scam and I couldn't stop laughing...

Guys, it’s that time again. There’s going to be that same December rush marked with the usual frenzy and noise but I am talking about a different type of rush now…

If you notice, so many women are going out of their way to look way too pretty this season making you to almost believe that "the beautiful ones are not yet born." Naturally, you are going to be tempted – to touch!

Assuming you are single, not yet taken and/or "up and doing", many of these girls will rush for you. Get ready, so many of them are going to call you 'broda'. Some of them will rush to you for relationship or something like that, but remember, most of them will rush to you for your pocket!

So watch it. Don’t get confused in the maze. Don’t be confused by their beauty. Don’t be carried away by the attention you are getting all of a sudden. Most of these girls have only one aim – they just want to turn you into a Father Christmas.

Don’t burn a very big hole in your pocket now. Remember, the economy is still bad and January is usually a very tough month, so don’t go wasting all your yearly savings by playing that Father Christmas role unnecessarily. Allow me to give you some guidelines on how to beat this type of December "rush".

1. Stay away from Facebook, twitter, 2go etc. If you must or can’t, just sign up a new account. It’s allowed…

2. If your job allows you, then leave town early. Don’t wait until it’s 23rd or 4th because that is usually when the rush reaches its crescendo. If they ask you why you traveled that early, say you have some things like traditional wedding or age group meetings to attend. Be careful not to mention anything about when you are coming back.


3. Buy and register a new (MTN) line and rely on the network’s unreliability to give you the excuse as well as make it possible for you to choose who calls you and who you call – or recharges for.

4. Learn how to frown your face . And make sure you don’t laugh while doing this . Trust me; you will really appreciate what this little skill will do for you and your bank account during this period…


5. Master the art of complaining. If you live in Nigeria, this will not be so much of a problem. You can complain about GEJ, PHCN, PDP, non-payment of salaries, high fuel price, and even frequent kidnapping. Don’t forget to also complain about CBN’s cashless policy plus faulty ATMs…and oh, remember to mention that you hate standing in any form of long queues…you get?

It will also help matters if you also learn how to complain to them about how so many Nigerian girls are unreasonable, not understanding and so demanding and are always saying that guys are stingy. Remember to call those girls calls silly and describe them as 'non wife-material'. Believe me, this reverse psychology works like mad!

6. Tell anyone who cares to listen that you don’t celebrate Christmas – anymore! If they ask you why, tell them you don’t have anything again to do with the pagan celebration of the birth of the Sun of God. If they still ask you since when did you find out, frown your face…

7. Open your mouth cautiously. In other words, watch what you say this period. Hmm…Bros, I wonder what you were thinking when you said those boastful things to her that gave her the guts to demand that you give her a cheque? But if you must say anything, tell them that you are seriously preparing for your introduction/traditional marriage and your wife-to-be is from Imo State . If you already know that won’t work, try telling her that you are processing your visa…


8. Attack is the best form of defense. Be upfront about sex. Increase your demand for it. Demand for it when you need it – and even when you don’t! As long as you are not dealing with nymphomaniacs, chances are they will leave you alone. Both ways you win! Of course, you must also know where to get genuine Alomo, just in case…

9. Get married. I was once told this was one of the best ways of saving money. I know you may not like how that sounds because you think you are not yet ready for it but hey…who says you must be married in the real sense of it. Just slap a ring on your ring finger and get ready to say the words, "Don’t you know I’m married…?" on the slightest "provocation" and they will instantly get the message!

OK, I know you will not like to hear this but the truth is that you should also condition your mind at this time to want less or no sex. Of course, that should be the starting point. Oh ho! You think we don’t know already the ONE main reason why you are NOT going to do any of these things aforementioned neglecting the fact that you might actually be a stingy person?

It’s true you love skirts and you always want to eat your cake and still have it but when dealing with women, bear it in mind, it is rarely so as there’s always a price tag.

Don’t worry how you are going to do this. When there is a wish, there’s a way! I know junior will surely sulk but don’t mind him. If he’s still complains, use your imagination to give him an overdose of Kim K. You can also distract him with your PS-3. It just a matter of weeks and the whole madness will fade away.

Oh, one more thing! The last but the not the least important, make sure none of them reads this, OK? Fine.

You can thank me later…

Trying to pinpoint the one main reason why people get married could be tricky.

This is mainly because apart from the societal need, or should I say the pressure to conform,I would say that in general men and women get married for different reasons.

Men get married to show or prove to 'whomever it might concern' that they are now responsible.

Nowadays, women get married to show or prove to 'whomever it might concern' that ATLEAST one man out of all the men in the whole universe has found them worthy enough and/or attractive enough to (un)willingly accept them to stay under the same roof with him as his wife above every other woman.

The rest of the reasons like sex,getting children,companionship,fame and money etc. are just like the fringe benefits that might come with the package!