₦airaland Forum

Her father shouldn't have said that in front of her husband.


Unless of course there was a prior history of her always complaining to her father that she no longer trusts her husband.

It is possible the reason they went to see the old man was because she was always suspecting her husband and the man decided to take her to her father to talk about it.



Just saying.

byvan:
Another stray sheep, head of household indeed .

For goodness sake!
Can we for once not turn this into another gender war? Please?

red101:
I have never heard of a marriage where a woman insisting on keeping her name led to an unhappy marriage. usually this is decided before they get married. besides, such an argument is no different from a case where the husband wanted 5 children and the wife only want 2 or 3 children etc. disagreements happen in all marriages if there are two grown adults involved. Abi you want to say you have never disagreed with your husband on important issues before? or you want to claim title of 'most submissive wife on nairaland'.

Anyway, in many cases women choose to keep their last names because they don't want to lose their identity. esp if they marry later in life or have developed careers. remember that a lot of women marry barely as soon as they enter adulthood (some as teenage children sef lol) so their husband is like an extension of their father. unlike a woman who maybe marries at age 35 who is more mature and attached to her name emotionally, professionally, socially etc and has formed her own individual identity before marriage.

Red, are you a Nigerian/African?
At your first bolded, I have. I have seen two couples where the woman wanted to keep her maiden name. The first was a British raised Nigerian. She insisted. He walked out. He's married now and she's still single.
The second was a female doctor. She insisted. He walked out. They reconciled a few months later and she took his name.

It has nothing to do with this 'submission' word you feminists like to throw around so much. Its simple. If you love and respect the man enough to marry him, you will take his name. If I were the man and you refused to take my name in marriage for no good reason, I would regard it as a warning sign and beat a hasty retreat. I believe other men feel the same.
Do you know even when Chimamanda got married to the guys she still insisted on being called 'Miss' or Ms or something I can't remember instead of Mrs? And you think the man was happy with that? Is she ashamed of him or ashamed that she is married or what?


As for your second condescending paragraph, pardon me but that is total bullshit. You are now saying women who took their husband's name had no identity of their own? Seriously? All the lawyers, doctors, accountants, bankers, managers, etc that married thier husbands and took his name lovingly are now being labelled by you as having no identity and marrying thier fathers?

Do you now see why people hate feminism? Because it is not the textbook definition that you guys are going on about. It is not about empowering the female sex in the sense of education or politics or improvement of self. It is about castigation and degrading men, bringing down anything good about the male-female relationship and feminity in the name of equality. And any female who does not agree with your man-hate filled idealism is viewed as weak, 'overly submissive' , illiterate or having lost her identity, simply because she chose to identify with the man she loves.



And yes, you had no right to go personal on chaircover. Check my posts, I have never quoted her and she doesn't know me so am not her fan or anything like that but I know she's an elder here and what you said was quite rude.

It was a long time ago that I saw a 'vision' of hell.
It was a vast field of sand stretching out as far as the eye could see. Imagine the Sahara desert but bigger. It was hot, yes, bit there was no fire. The field itself was empty, not a single sound to be heard, not a soul to be seen.

At random intervals within this field were small, deep holes. The entrance to the hole was small like a large grapefruit or very large orange, but as the hole went down it became wider and wider and was widest at the very bottom. It was too deep and the walls too smooth for anybody to climb out of. And at the bottom of this pit was a human soul.

This human soul is condemned in hell already. It is at the bottom of the pit and there is utter silence. Even if he wails and screams and shouts he cannot be heard by anybody and he cannot hear anybody else. It does not know it is in a pit in a desert but thinks it is all alone without hope without light and without Christ. It prays and prays now that it knows there is a God but receives no answer to its cries and prayers. This soul realises that hell is actually an existence without hope without Christ. And it stays I that hole for all eternity thinking itself alone.


The terrible thing was that the desert contained millions of holes. And no hole was empty.

Another plane goes missing.


Soon they will tell you it was 'shot down' or crashed suddenly. And they will show you pictures.


When will people open their eyes to see something spiritual/unearthly is happening?

bukatyne:
Goodnight

Nitey night to you too ma'm.

bukatyne:
Interesting. So ladies, demand your family does not collect bride price and you can bear whatever name you wish

I threw whites into the mix because last I remembered, they don't pay bride price and they still adopt their husbands' surname so BP is definitely not the magic.

Men tie everything to finance... heard it is my house and so A B C etc. etc.

@Marriage, not all tribes collect bride price. And brides do not smile like cats because bride price exchange hands; it is because they are marrying their lovers/rich maga / after searching etc. I assure you that if no BP is paid, as long as the wedding takes place, perfect

Your sarcasm is noted but useless in this matter. Bride price is symbolic and a very important part of our tradition. You can read it any other way you like I don't care.

Throwing whites into the mix may help you because they are your standard. They are not mine.

Saying men tie everything to finance are your words not mine. And yet a woman won't go near a man for marriage if he is not financially stable. Funny ain't it?

@Marriage, not all tribes collect bride price. And brides do not smile like cats because bride price exchange hands; it is because they are marrying their lovers/rich maga / after searching

Hahhahahhaaha! So you agree they search eh? Then you think it is name change that will make them lose such men when they find them? I think not!
And its interesting you mentioned rich maga And yet you think its men that tie everything to finance

bukatyne:
According to you, if a man does not pay bride price, the woman has the right to retain her name?

Do whites still pay bride price?

You guys should stop tying everything to finance, money, payment etc. Else when things go south (God forbid), you lose the supposed grip you have on your women

See mentioning bride price like it is enough to buy a human being. I do not know why the whole bride price nonsense is not cancelled so we see what next the men hold unto

For your first statement YES!,that is how it is here and I don't give a hoot how the whites do it cos I am not white.

For your third statement it is you ladies that tie everything to finance, if your man is a Dangote am sure you wont have any qualms dropping your name for his own!

Abeg go siddon. If you are already married am sure someone paid your bride price and you didn't object and if you are single am sure someone will pay your bride price and you'll be smiling like a Cheshire cat in your room instead of standing up against it.

FrancisTony:
Seriously...a woman deciding not to answer my surname isn't a big deal.

I can only worry when she decideds to give our children her own name.
That's woman-wrappering.

And why is the first one not a big deal but the second one is?

FrancisTony:
You could also suspect Mynd44.

He's one helluva of a dude that don't bìtch on women.
I just hate how Nairalanders bash women. So annoying!

Since I joined Nairaland it has been my observation that it is the women that start the bashing first! A person posts an innocent comment on a thread and before you know it some particular group of females with heavy emotional baggage come and start transferring unnecessary aggression to the person. I have had cause to go back to my post and re-read it because I want to find out what is warranting the insults.

Its Nairaland women that bash men(not all of them) and now the men have learned to reciprocate.

FrancisTony:
I don't see how allowing a woman to answer her name fit into the category of what you wrote.

That's tolerance. What shall it profit me to divorce a woman over a trivial matter?

That's not tolerance. That's stupidity. Especially when deep down you don't agree with it but you agree because you are desperate to keep her.

And who the hell talked about divorce now This is not a divorce matter. When you want to marry the issue will come up. Its left for you as the man to agree since you see nothing wrong with it or refuse since you regard your own name with pride and intend to give it as an honourable title to whichever woman you decide to add to your family.

FrancisTony:
What's your definition of woman wrapper?

A man who cannot head his own house.
A man who obliges all the whims and caprices of his wife regardless of how silly they are just to keep her happy
A man who allows the woman make the final decision in the house.
A man whose wife will tell him to wash the clothes while she watches Africamagic.
A man who has to beg her repeatedly before she allows him go out anywhere.
A man who is afraid to talk to another woman in public lest his wife skins him alive.
A man who will allow his wife keep her name not realising that by changing her name to his own he has declared that he is her fortress, her protector and her king and under his jurisdiction. A public declaration that all other males should keep off or face the consequences.
A wimp of a man


Funny enough, such men usually have their women stolen from them by more domineering males.

FrancisTony:
Women call us "husband" material.

And then say you are 'woman wrapper' a year after the wedding.

Matthewbriggs:
This thread is very funny... . and people wonder why I do not take NL femnists serious.

Most times they sound like Trolls.

Now I know what the term 'Troll' means, I agree.

Haba. What kind of question is this 'is it compulsory to change your name' as if they are forcing them. They shouldn't change it na and remain single god abeg o. They talk as if they are being forced into marriage when in fact they are the ones looking for men up and down. Man is not their head, man is not their head yet they will go and hide inside room when the man is paying their bride price...They'll wait for man to ask them out and then become irritable when the man doesn't notice them; they will never take up any of the responsibilities of men but are quick to rake and take offence when their responsibilities are being questioned. Rubbish.


Its the men who agree for the woman to retain her name after paying her bride price that I blame. Rubbish.

MarvellousGod:
You came back and changed your post?? Because you gave a one line reply before. ..

Ehhee, back to the issue .... I never used you to castigate anyone, also didn't castigate anyone, just said my opinion. .. Your name was in another paragraph. ....The only thing I like about you is that you're always truthful because many people here paint white black just so the opposite gender feel bad... Don't know what the competition is all about. .... They re shouting no change of name when many of them have already changed.. What do you call that? If you don't wnt to change your name, then it should be some kinda agreement between you and your spouse or religion and not cos you're a feminist or whatever, how does changing your name make you less or retaining your name make you equal to a man??


I don't know if feminists here actually fight for all these you mentioned because all I see are husband and wife issues.. Deceiving gullible ones... I rest my case and I won't mention you again

@bolded , exactly. Too many people making mountains out of molehills. If the man agrees you keep your name then fine. But not as if changing your name makes you less of a woman. Haba.

.

Types of Internet Trolls:

1. The Psychopathological troll : The psychopathological troll is motivated to participate in an internet forum by psychotic delusions or compulsions, or by a neurotic seeking of false self-esteem. The postings of a psychotic troll are unlikely to make any recognizable sense at all.

2. The Neurotic Troll: The neurotic troll either seeks to obtain false self-esteem by manipulating the reactions of others, or by demonstrating his "power" to destroy what others enjoy.

3. The Missionary Troll: If an error of fact or logic is pointed out to a rational man, he will change his mind. If an error of fact or logic is pointed out to a missionary troll, the troll will either (1) ignore the correction, and proceed without regard to it, (2) misrepresent the correction and proceed regardless, (3) divert the argument in another direction to hide and ignore the substantive import of the error that was just identified. Indeed, the surest sign that one is dealing with a missionary troll is that he is totally evidence-proof and never changes his mind.

I hear the term being thrown around family section and honestly didnt know what it meant So I went to find out


In Internet slang, a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people,by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, nairaland forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

no kidding!

Why did you mention your ex in this story?

felixzo1:
this same thing happen to my family when i was younger 25 years ago,my dad had to rush and buy a ram instead of the prefered goat.it cause some misunderstanding between my grand mother and my mum then. see enough quarel just on top goat head. we ended up not killing the goat. thats how we started keeping goats.

***chokes on alomo bitters***
ROTFLMAO!!!

Nikkygold4life:
Hello people, I promised to give u progress report, ur advices paid off, I got d educational videos which I play all d time wen we aint writing or reading together. His attention span has also increased, unlike bfor where he's easily distracted wen doing his home wrk. I got some attractive pencils that makes him wanna write all d time unlike before where he exhibits fears for anyting about writing or home wrk. Now, we use wrkbooks to practice writing and he always enjoys to look at d coiourful pictures in d books, he's so addicted to those books now, once he sees any around, cos I put dem around to increase his interest in dem, he often say "mummy, let's count, let's write or I want to color it". I do not put him under any pressure dt I'm teaching him stuff, all he thinks is dt we are just playing and having fun together. He can now identify some alphabets and numbers but his orals are better.

And this is the key to your son's sucess.
When I read through this thread I was horrified at some of the suggestions I was seeing. But at the end of the day I guess it all boils down to plain ignorance and competitiveness on the part of parents especially mothers who use thier children to compete with each other.

A child's brain is like a sponge. At three years you can push him/her so hard that they will be able to play the piano for you and even spell complicated words like "exacerbation" if you like. That doesn't make them smarter, just adapting to the pressure they are being put under.

Such children however risk running into early burnout later in life. You either have adolescent children who have no real educational foundation in that they crammed everything while younger and then the parent wonders why the child knows all the words in the dictionary but behaves like an ldiot when they enter the university or when it comes to solving real life problems.
Or you have children that grow up to be recluses, withdrawn, only interested in academia and no social adaptation whatsoever. Such children cannot make friends, cannot mix with others of their own peers, are total social misfits with poor leadership skills i.e they are very intelligent academically but are not creative and cannot lead others. They will forever follow the bandwagon and will never come up with anything original on their own.

Our modern schools IN NIGERIA only make things worse. In a bid to compete with themselves and please parents who want to have baby geniuses by fire and by force, they go out of their way to teach these little ones totally ridiculous and unnecessary things for their age range. Most of the teachers themselves do not even have any legitimate teacher-training and are either secondary school leavers or graduates in other fields trying to make money while waiting for their dream jobs.


I went to a school for inspection and will you believe the teachers are making the KG#3 pupils take notes like lecturers dictating to students! And when queried all they could say was other schools around do the same. For KG3!!! Of course many of the children fell behind but with enough caning, "shaming" and bad results to the parents to make the parents pay for extra lessons these poor children started learning to take dictation by fire by force. You think this will not have an adverse effect on them later in life? Of course it will.




KG means Kindergarten. It is a German word that literally means "Children's garden" and essentially comprises teaching children between the ages of 2 and 7 to learn via playing, singing, practical activities like drawing and social interaction as part of the transition from home to school. Its a time of learning by playing and interaction with their environment. This is important so as to breed intuitive creative and thinking individuals, people that will be leaders and problem solvers, mature adults. The methods we see in school today where they are teaching Kg2 children biology and french when they have barely begun to grasp English language just to please overbearing parents will only give rise to the production of follow-follow non-intuitive humans who will forever follow the herd mentality.

woky:
I like this post

thank you.

Yomieluv:
thank God you said we are all human.

Meaning we handle things differently..no one size fit all solution in marriage.

Nobody is talking of one size fitting all. If you are going into something as serious as marriage you should be matured enough to weather the storms that inevitably come with it. Getting a divorce just because you can or because you discovered your partner isn't everything you dreamed s/he would be is grossly immature and irresponsible and will hurt you on the long run.

WIFE

1. Picks up toys in living room
2. Put away dishes in the kitchen
3. Add soap to the dishwasher and get it started so it will be ready in the morning
4. Cleans the window in the back door
5. Packs lunches(Lie. She will do this tomorrow)
6. Put the lunchboxes in the refrigerator(refer 1.)
7a. Grab clothes that have made their way downstairs
7b. Takes clothes to the laundry room
7c. Starts the laundry
7d. Fold clothes in the drier
7e. Put clothes in kids room quietly.
(All the above are a single task and count as one point.)
8. Get a shower
9. Brush teeth, floss, mouthwash
10. Go to bed and think about the things you forgot to do
11. Go to sleep





HUSBAND
1. Lock the back door
2. Pick up toys by the back door
3. Sign notes in the kids folders
4. Checks on the kids without waking the kids
5. Check the AC or heat temperature setting and adjust it as needed(Come on, how many women know how an AC works?)
6. Get a shower
7. Brush teeth, floss, mouthwash
8. Get the bed ready
9. Read Devotional
10. Go to bed and think about the things you forgot to do
11. Get out of bed, write those things on a notepad so you can do them tomorrow
12. Get back into bed
13. Get out of bed an hour later to make sure the kids use the potty one more time so as not to wet the bed
14. Make double sure the front door is closed
15. Make double sure the back door is closed
16. Make sure the gas cooker is off
17. Make sure all the electrical appliances in the house are off
18. Tucks wife in the blanket
19. Go to sleep

That's more like it.

Yomieluv:
Not supporting divorce,but at times its better to walk out of a toxic marriage..

Marriage is good when both partners are on the same page,else prison break is imminent.

no two human beings on this planet can always be on the same page forever. That is why they are individuals. There is bound to be disagreement, some lasting minutes, others lasting days and years. It is the ability to pass through these trying times that is the true test of a relationship.

cococandy:
You and divorce these days.

Anyone planning divorce you?

Just ruminating about the ugly consequences of it, the way some people throw the word around this forum like it is Akara.

Fixed.
Yes, I had time on my hands today

mystiqueDZ:
Yesshit!!


Men are that LAZY!!

You must have very bad luck with men then if you have come across ones like these.

The divorce rates today are increasing. The reason could be lack of communication, physical abuse, alcoholism or may be lack of love. Today, people get married very quickly and get divorced even more quickly. But they fail to visualize the negative impacts it could have on not just them but others also. They forget that life is the combination of both good and bad times and thus they rush in to get divorced with the first fight they had with their spouse. Here are some disadvantages of taking divorce. Hope it helps!

1. Bad Impact On Children:
Not just the couples who have split up are affected by the divorce, but also the children suffer and are affected with negativity. A research has proved that the children of a split-up couple are more prone to depression and low-confidence or even violence than others. Sometimes they end up blaming themselves for the divorce and in most of the cases they don’t even believe in the existence of a happy marriage. In many cases it was found that it was very difficult for them to take the sides of one parent. They want to be with both of them not just one of them. They never see love in their own home so they are the ‘Haters’ mostly.

There are some factors at home that are bad enough that unless they can be eliminated, a divorce might be better for the children. These include violence against the children or the spouse, continuing and open substance abuse, recurring inappropriate expressions of anger (like constant yelling or destruction of property), and continuous involvement of the children in the conflict between Mom and Dad. In the absence of one of these factors, however, research indicates that[i] children of intact but unhappy homes are on average happier and better adjusted than children whose parents have divorced[/i]. This is true even when parents make all the right decisions to help their children through divorce.


2. Divorce hurts:
We all know this in our minds, but it takes going through divorce to know in your gut just how painful divorce is. Imagine whatever adjectives you wish. Chances are they don't adequately describe the deep, searing, pain that comes from tearing a relationship at the same time that you adapt to the many other changes in your life that often flow from divorce. During divorce, you will likely feel things, think things, say things, and do things that you would never feel, think, say, or do during any other time of your life.


3. Changes Relationships with Friends and Family:
You were married for years and in this time there would be many friends and other people connected to both of you or just you. You may have considered your Best Friend like your BFF or some other one as your well wisher but after a divorce it won’t be very surprising if they act strangely or when you feel they are not the same with you anymore. With a divorce, their views about you could have changed. They may be witnessing the pain of the other one and may consider you as the bad person. So, with a divorce you don’t lose just one relationship but more!


4. Financial Challenges:
After Divorce you may feel like you have now turned poor because when you were married you always got what you wanted but why not now! With the legal procedure of the divorce emptying your account you could face other issues also. When you are married you feel responsible for anything and everything. You would think it is your liability to provide the necessities and facilities to your family. So you may be saving for it, or you may be investing safely. But once you are single again, you feel like flying free and you end up money-less with empty bank accounts.


5. Separation
When you were in that bad patch with your partner, you felt like leaving the next moment. But once you are divorced, you will surely miss them. And it is a perfectly normal thing as you have shared a lot of memories and you have known each other for years. They were your better half. But now you are single and you would miss the intimacy that you two shared; the laughs, the fights and everything about them. You may end up calling them and crying over it.


6. The Sanctity of the marriage is destroyed
A marriage is a holy union and supposed to hold despite all odds. If you believe in the inherent sanctity of marriage as an institution, you should work extra hard to keep it together. There are loads of people falling in love at first sight, getting married quickly and filing for divorce by the end of the month. Every other day, you hear of couples getting divorced. Marriage, as an institution, has become less holy. People seek quick fixes or rather, quick divorces, instead of ironing the differences. Be a role model and fight for your marriage. Be the couple that valued the institution of marriage and made it work, despite odds. If there’s anything worth fighting for, it is a relationship that once had promise and potential.


7. It creates a void
You said you were fed up of them. You said you are tired of this marriage thing. You felt like wanting that freedom again. You needed your single life again. You can’t be with them anymore. Okay. But what now? Are you ready to be single again? Do you really think you are capable of living that life again? In these years you were totally dependent on them. And they were always there for you whenever you needed them. Would you be able to live with that Void in your life? After Divorce, you will be all alone. Remember it.


8. Health Issues
A study has proved that the divorced people are found to be more ill then the others. After this big event in their life, their normal life is surely disturbed.A Chicago study involving 8,652 people aged 51 to 61, found divorced people have 20% more chronic illnesses such as cancer than those who never marry. They are also more susceptible to depression, heart ailments and diabetes, over the long term.


9. Starting a new relationship from scratch isn't easy.
Humans are social animals. The need for companionship is a basic human need. Everyone needs someone in their life to love and to be loved. It may be easier to forgive the person you know than start another relationship from scratch with someone whose behaviors you are unaware of. Knowing a person from start again could be a task. Moreover, with the new dating spree may come multiple sex partners, and the chances of Sexually transmitted diseases also increase.
For some people, sex with your married partner becomes boring. However, sex can become more experimental and fun with a partner over the years as you get more comfortable and expressive with each other!. Not to mention the benefits of having only one partner and consequently safer sex.


10. Coping with a new partner may be tasking.
Coping with a new partner may be a task If you have invested a lot of time and effort in the previous relationship. You have spent years getting accustomed to your partner’s way of life, likes, dislikes, habits, temperament, etc. Any other relationship and marriage will take as much time and effort. Are things really so bad, that you’re willing to throw all this away, to take your chance on another relationship that may or may not be the same? Chances of a second marriage ending in divorce are two-fold, as most people subconsciously look for someone similar to their first spouse.


Everyone has some issues in their life. Life is never smooth. But it eventually gets better. So don’t you think it would be better to try so that things between you two work out? It can’t be that bad! You can solve the problems, you should at least try. You loved that person with all your heart once. But all of it will be lost after the Divorce. If your partner is essentially a good person and you truly love him/her, you can find a way to work through this rough patch. As cliched as it sounds, love does make the world go round. People do crazy things in love. Seek professional help before you take any big decision. A trained and certified counselor will help you sort differences, and your marriage could become stronger than it was before.


http://spotonlists.com/health-lifestyle/top-10-disadvantages-of-taking-divorce
http://www.divorceinfo.com/disadvantages.htm
http://www.thewilfreds.com/10-disadvantages-of-divorce-in-marriage