₦airaland Forum

@Radiantlola

Was this the case before they got married?
If not, what changed?
What qualities did she have that made him marry her?
What qualities did he have that made she agree to marry him?

Ten years and two kids is a long time and a long investment. A lot of changes, both physical and emotional, would have taken place.

Did this denial of sex start recently like 6months to a year ago? If yes, then its most likely he is having an affair.
If it has been longer than this then it is a habit thing. Maybe reduced libido om his part as wife's own increases with age. Maybe madam has gained weight in the wrong places. Men are very physical and if he finds she resembles the Michelin man more than the svelte beauty he married, he may no longer have the desire for sex.

Now I am not blaming her. Ten years and 2kids will take its toll on anybody. But it wont hurt if she keeps herself healthy by losing some weight and buying a new dress and getting new perfume and not the same she has been spraying for 10yrs


She shouldn't naked herself and beg for sex, that is belittling herself and will probably make the man less sexually attracted to her. Men are naturally conquerors, they are in for the chase, family kind of comes after(will explain this more one day, maybe).

My advice:
She should repackage. Hit the gym or run around the house or whatever, exercise and lose weight.

Buy new clothes for herself. Not old mama clothes o, modern clothing, not ashawo cloth...you know what I mean.

Get new deodorant, new perfume, new make up kit, new lipstick.

Eat healthy.

Smile a lot around the house. Laugh a lot too if possible.(she should make sure she is laughing at something so oga won't think she don craze.)

Stop the begging. Stop giving oga unnecessary attention. Give him the usual attention e.g serving his food, etc.

Effects:
It will improve her self esteem. It will refresh her spirit. It will make her healthier.

It will make Oga notice her. He might feel she is having an affair or maybe a new outlook on life. Either way it will make oga to notice her. Oga needs to be the one doing the noticing. Soon he'll be the one making subtle advances towards her.

She had sex on the 26th and Ten days later she has missed her period? Hmmmn.


Anyway, rape cases are delicate in that you need evidence to show she was actually raped. Most girls that get disvirgined even after agreed/consensual sex feel guilty soon afterwards, especially if it wasn't as good as they were expecting. Some of them feel so bad they turn around to say they were raped because that eases the guilt.

However, even if she was raped you have to look out for signs of a struggle. Did she have scratches or bites or was she bleeding from anywhere else apart from her vagina? If she had gone to hospital immediately they would have checked for all these.

She may also have contracted a sexual disease.

The main issue now is that legally its her word against his unless he confesses to raping her.
She should do a pregnancy test to check if she really is pregnant.

Ask her if she wants you to arrange guys to beat him up. Wether her response is yes or no, ask her to explain her response. Watch her body language. I have arranged for police to arrest a rapist before only for the girl to say I should stop that she has forgiven him. In one week they were in a relationship again.


All the best.

cytochromeC:
It's tiring man. I didn't even see this reply before I typed my post. I give up on the guy jare.

Your earlier post was very informative and educating I must say. I'm sure a lot of people picked a lot from it. Well done.

Thanks.

Sadbrother:
am so very much more sorry @ mr 5mins pls pardon my ignorance & dnt get angry at me i beg of u, wat am currently using now is sheabutter and dudu osun + ghana black soap wich i bought yesterday , all tnks goes 2 u who gave me gr8t advise on how to ccombat dis problem

Bros, pls don't get me wrong o. Am not looking for thanks. Am just saying that you should calm down. Like cytochrome said, you cant expect things to work overnight. Leave the sheabutter for now. I don't know the constituents of Ghana black soap but dudu osun is enough for you. You really have to be patient in this matter.

Also I have to join my voice along with others in warning you not to stand in hot sun deliberately because you want to get your skin black. Morning sun provides vitamin d which is good for skin nd other stuff in your body but the afternoon sun does stimulate melanocyte growth. That doesn't mean you should carry chair to the middle of the field and sit down under the hot sun for hours.
Simple exposure of the skim and going about your normal duties will be enough.

Be patient.

All the best .

Sadbrother:
tnk u very much 4 ur reply, so can i find tanning creams in Nigeria?

Sadbrother, you don't have vitiligo.
Tanning cream is for the vitiligo guy, not you.

Sadbrother;

At the risk of sounding haughty, I have already told you what to do and you are still running around looking for creams and soaps to rub. If I had told you to pay N50,000 for this information you would have appreciated it more. Stop using tetmosol and shea butter, it won't work and tetmosol might worsen your condition.

Efostick:
Its not gone...i just don't bare my chest..nd i don't wear armless...

Mehn...it looks like a tatoo on my body ;-(

Vitiligo and bleached skin is not the same thing. In vitiligo the person has an absence of melanin from birth. Sadly, nothing much can be done about it. A person with vitiligo should not expose himself to direct sunlight especially afternoon sun as the melanin that protects your skin from the sun's rays are absent. This can lead to skin cancer. A tanning cream will be better with this condition.
Cc sadbrother

[quote author=Sadbrother post=29472651][/quote]I've been having issues with my mail but I replied you in the early hours of this morning. Pls reply.

bukatyne:
The OP claimed they are the Same couple

Happy prosperous 2015, my regards to your family.

No I didn't. Not categorically. But it doesn't matter.

This is a new year and I will not tolerate such. I will avoid e -fights but if any yeye poster quotes me as a message to others, it MIGHT not be funny

.

You will not tolerate? So what will you do next time, flog my bottom? Chill out Jo.

I admit you were not the main culprit in this matter. Your case is more like one finger touching palm oil and another getting soiled.

I try to avoid e-fights myself as much as possible but it seems inevitable in this section.
Frankly I'm tired of the whole shlt.

You're right. Its a new year. So I'm going to take a step back. Happy new year.

EfemenaXY:
Surprise, surprise!

Never knew you had it in you to type something this informative and useful. Hmmm...interesting..

For the love of the almighty I don't know why I like you . You are actually the most troublesome of the lot.


Happy New year.

bukatyne:
OP didn't dig out This part or didn't know it existed.

Couldn't the wife also tell Hubby what she wanted? Nobody is a mind reader.

That said, now they know their shortcomings, can't they adjust and make up?

They are now armed with the attitude that will make their marriage work.

All you girls had to do was click the link and you would have seen both the original story and a man's side of it as well.

But no. You were too busy falling over yourselves to defend the woman even though the article clearly states at the beginning that the man was the one that cheated and walked out on the marriage. The wife actually did a lot of blaming and shaming of the man before she came to the realisation that she had a part to play in the breakup which is what was clearly stated in the first paragraph.

Even if I wanted to bring out the man's version in another topic the next day there was no longer any need as the whole idea of the thread was lost on you girls(you know yourselves) and the man's part would have simply been met with another round of illogicality.

You people have made family section so unfriendly that there is no talking to you know-it-alls. Quite frankly it is disgusting . You take anything issued at the female folk as an attack on your personal selves and honestly I can't fathom why. You take any issue/problem a man brings up as an opportunity to attack him even when he claims culpability and is simply looking for a solution. It is appalling.

And yet you call your cause noble and look for people to recruit ....whatever that cause is.

I am tired of explaining posts to you group of girls. I can honestly say I see no maturity in any of you(once again you know yourselves). I only hope people with more objective minds read and get the message from the post. Thank God its a free forum.

Feel free to insult and revel in response to this post as much as you like...i know its therapy for some of you. It is just unfortunate that many others find it difficult to stoop down to your level. But don't worry, I'm sure you will attract and retain the kind that will, especially on this section.


Over and out.

Sadbrother:
bt dat is jst impossible 4 me, d most impossible of all impossibilities of all, hw can i stop wearing longsleeves, if only u can see how whitish my muscle is and hand is dark, its jst so so so disgusting and irritating, u jst cnt stand d sight... Datz much impossible, i jst need sumtin dat i can apply 2 it for it to darken

There is nothing new under the sun, have you seen a burns patient before? As in someone that fire burnt from head to toe? You think they go round wearing long sleeves?

You have to overcome your shyness if you want this condition to go away. There is no other way!

Pm me if you want to contact me. As for my personal numbers though, I would rather it remains private.

***in Clint Eastwood's voice***
There are two kinds of people in the world my friend;

Those that complain all day,
And those that go and do something about it.



Meanwhile, those four guys are about to become very very rich.

Give us an idea of exactly what addiction you are talking about. Then maybe more people will click on your link.

Such an interesting skin story!
The truth is that I laughed in some places and almost wept for you in some places (broken plate applied to skin?) but all in all I can see that this is a serious matter and that you are very desperate.

So this is my advice for you.


Your skin is naturally black because of melanocytes. These are the cells that colour your skin and make you the colour that you are. These are also the cells you 'kill' when you start bleaching. Using all those gamut of creams has caused severe damage to your melanocytes and has affected your self esteem so much that you cover your body to prevent others from seeing it. Tragically, this behaviour of yours worsened your situation without your knowing because the Sun( and not artificial fire or burning your hand) would have been your saving grace.

The sun(any kind of sunlight but afternoon sun is better in this matter), is what will reactivate and multiply your damaged melanocytes. But because of the years you have stayed with this problem, it might take longer.

This is what you will do.

1. Stop ALL creams immediately. Stop everything.

2. Stop googling. Googling things does not make you a specialist on something , it just gives you a little knowledge. No matter how much you google you cam never become a dermatologist. Take it from me.

3. Your soap for the next one year will be dudu osun only. Dudu osun works in that it will help rejuvenate your melanocytes and take you back to your normal colour(this is why ladies that bleach hate it so much ).

4. Your pomade/cream for the rest of your life will be Vaseline petroleum jelly only. This protects your skin from the hazards that bleaching would have exposed it to. It is also harmless to your body. Let me explain. The bleaching creams you have been using have not only affected your skin but have been absorbed by the skin and affected other organs as well especially your kidneys. Dont be afraid, the treatment for that is simply to stop the creams like you are going to do and take a good amount of water. Vaseline will put a stop to the damage as well as help your skin retain water again.

5. Finally the hard part. You need to expose your skin. Sunlight will reactivate your melanocytes and repair your skin. Covering it up with long sleeves is what has been delaying the darkening process. Unfortunately facial skin is more delicate than body skin so the face might take longer to heal but the rest of your body should return to normal in about 2years time. So you better work on getting your self esteem back. Realise that people only laugh for a moment then move on to other things. The more you expose your skin the quicker it will heal.




And for those people who bleach their skin, this serves as a lesson for you. Boy or girl, don't do it. It usually ends badly on the long run.

All the best op.

Na wa
This topic pain some people no be small o

tosag:
For a long time now, I've been praying to God for a job. I've fasted, prayed and even gone for deliverance at MFM twice, all to no avail. The bible says in the book of psalms that God is love and that His mercies endureth forever. If God is indeed merciful as the bible claims why hasn't He heard my cry for help? Even me, an earthly father will not sit and watch my own biological son, whom I brought into this world to suffer for something I know I can provide him. My question is " Is there anything I can do to make God see the seriousness of my situation and for Him to come to my help?". My fellow nairalanders pls I need ur candid advice and suggestions.

Op have you looked for a job?

prettyjo:
OK.but no 4 caught my attention

Why?

hijayoma:
Hello NLs , happy new year in advance, pls I need help
I got married recently but its not been all I thought.
The worst is I feel I'm going to wreck my new marriage by my own hands
I love my hubby dearly, wit everything in me, but I can't seem to communicate with him. It makes him feel I disrespect him, I swear. I respect him a lot all I ever want is his happiness, but my recent attitude does not show this,it hurts me so much, I cry all the time, I feel I dnt deserve to be married.

You don't seem to communicate with him how? As in you feel you don't tell him things he should know about or you cant talk to him generally(which makes me wonder how u courted and got married)?

What is your recent attitude and has he complained about it?

Why do you feel you don't deserve to be married? That is quite harsh. Why the statement?

I feel so useless,unwanted, unhappy, I m pushing my man away ,I always regret my actions after its done, but I'm loosing my sanity.

Whoa there sister! Who is putting all these thoughts in your head? Is your husband verbally abusive? If not have you always been pessimistic in your thinking? And why would you feel unwanted?

My sisters came to my place today, I shld av informed him, bt for no reason I didn't,he felt so disrespected , I apologised, but I knw something is wrong somewhere,,this is nt wat I want, I want a happy home, I always regret my actions , but y do I do it?

Pls someone help me before I ruin my marriage,,my hubby posted on social media today "" divorce is imminent if my wife continues d way she's going"". I saw this and have been heartbroken , wat do I do plsss

Your sisters came to the house without your husband knowing. That's bad, but not as bad as you are painting it here, he might be a little annoyed but not enough to storm to social media(facebook?) to complain. Has this happened before? Is there something else, an underlying problem?

Finally, how long have you two been married? This sounds like the trials of any newly wedded couple@6months maybe? I could be wrong.

If you can answer the questions maybe we can profer a way forward.
Keep your chin up and be cheerful! You haven't said anything new under the sun! Compliments of the season.

**pukes***

Why are there always carrots in my vomit? I didn't even eat carrots.

Stillfire:
Boohooooo!

Awww, don't cry. Here, have a handkerchief.

ahnie:
are you now transgender?#justcurious#

The source of the original article is written below.

olu77:
Ok o.

From the errors of others a wise woman corrects her own - 5minsmadness (1914)

Eshé.

SAMBARRY:
So what do you now want me to type/say



to each their own joor abeg face your front jare.orooloro loman fekusi

God abeg o, must you type/say anything? You no fit read waka pass?

At first it was easy for me to point every single finger and toe at my husband for obliterating our 10-year marriage. He's the one who cheated and walked out without looking back. And long before that, he repeatedly shut me out, choosing to bury himself in his work to avoid what was happening to us at home.

Blame was my coping mechanism to get through the first difficult months of our separation, and "how dare he!" was my mantra. I rallied an entire army of supporters who, like me, were totally, utterly and completely aghast at the nerve -- the gall -- of this man.

Because obviously being a lying, cheating, family abandon-er trumps anything I did to our marriage in the past decade. Right?

Wrong.

I deflected any and all culpability in the failure of my marriage for months, holding on to the picture I painted of myself as the gentle, selfless and long-suffering wife. It wasn't until I found a therapist who called me out on my bullsh*t that I was forced to take a long, hard look at my shortcomings.

It wasn't pretty.

Here's what I now know actually screwed up my marriage. May it serve as a warning to you. Before it's too late.

1. I put my children first.
It's easy to love your own children. It takes very little effort, and they adore you no matter what. Marriage is the polar opposite: it's work. And whenever my marriage started to feel like work, I would check out and head to shoprite or my friend's place with the kids in tow. I'd often plan these adventures when I knew my husband couldn't go (and spoil my good time). I told myself it was OK because he preferred to work anyway and always seemed grouchy on family outings. I chose most nights to cuddle with them in our bed, blaming his late-night bedtimes and snoring for the sleeping arrangement. As a result, we were hardly alone together and never had kid-free date nights. Well, maybe once a year on our anniversary.

2. I didn't set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents.
They were at our house frequently, sometimes arriving unannounced and walking right in. They'd "help out" around the house doing things we never asked them to. We'd go on vacation with them. They'd correct our children in front of us. My own fears of upsetting my parents kept me from drawing a line in the sand and asking them not to cross it. The few times I did stand up for my family's autonomy, I didn't hold my parents to the same standards in future. My husband, quite literally, married my entire family.

3. I emasculated him.
I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. "Can you believe he didn't do this?" and "Why in God's name did he do THAT?"

Instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as "hangers-on." I berated him for doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn't doing them my way. At times I spoke to him like a child. I did my best to control the family finances and grilled him over every single penny he spent. And in the bedroom -- yup, you guessed it -- he was doing that all wrong too, and I wasn't shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt it every day.

4. I didn't bother to learn to fight the right way.
I know it sounds odd to suggest there is a right way to fight. But there is. I tended to keep the peace in our house by keeping my mouth shut when things were really bothering me. As you can imagine, all the small things that drove me crazy grew into a giant suppressed ball of anger that would erupt occasionally in a huge, really frightening fit of Hulk-like rage. And by rage, I mean rage in the clinical, mental-health definition kind of way. After the fact, I'd justify my anger by saying that a woman can only take so much. Looking back, I was one scary b*tch during those episodes.

original article here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/7-huge-mistakes-i-made-as_b_6355374.html

aisha2:
Whose pride? Should pride have a place in marriage?

It is a thing of pride for the man that he married his wife properly. Bride price is symbolic that the man can take care of his wife.
It is a thing of pride for the woman that she was given out properly to her husband.
I asked chaircover if really no brideprice was paid on her head like she was insinuating in her first post then realised someone else (lafflaff) had already asked her. You can see how quick she was to respond that it was paid but returned even though they didn't return the yams and other items her family wasn't hungry for like she said.

Bride price tells well of the man that he respects you enough to request for you formally from your parents instead of you following him wantonly to start having kids in the name of 'we are modern so no bride price'.

It also shows that the woman is a good woman and the bride price is symbolic of her worth. Yes I said it. It shows the parents are reluctant to give away their daughter and have put certain conditions before she can be taken away from them. A woman who is taken by her husband without any ceremony is like someone they dashed to him or wanted to get rid of quickly...a bad child like someone else said.

Don't give a dog a bad name because you don't want something a bad husband will use against you in the future.Many of you are asking for bride price to be abolished because you don't want it to be used as a reminder during quarrels that 'afterall I paid your bride price'. Is everyone here looking to marry bad and quarrelous husbands? Na wa o.

Am coming.

Am back.

My dear. The truth of the matter is one of the reasons you can go with your husband anywhere is because you are proud of him. One of the reasons your husband married you is because he is proud of you. You cannot respect your husband if you are not proud of him. Abi don't you respect your husband? Or is that against gender equality too?
So yes, pride is important in marriage.
My phone battery wants to go off. Will answer others in due course.

Stillfire:
Brideprice should be banned. It serves no purpose in today's society. Women are at a detriment with this practice.

No surprise in this answer. Some people will never change.

chaircover:
LOL @bad child
return ke?
Olorun o ni je
Unless he can return me exactly the way he took me
Return is not even my portion
[b]For the record, it was put in an envelope and handed over and it was handed back
[/b]Like I said, customs differ.

Ehen. Now you are talking. I for say o.

@chaircover, your husband didn't pay your bride price?

aisha2:
Some women dont change their surnames.
Some things were culture like killing twins [/b]women [b]not inheriting from their fathers but these things have changed and are changing

These things you mentioned were bad examples and not widespread throughout Nigeria. There is nothing wrong in paying bride price. As a matter of fact, it is a thing of pride in many areas.
Secondly brideprice is not a Nigerian custom. It is done worldwide except in the US an UK where most whites do not have a custom or culture.

Finally even a caucasian man when he comes to marry from a place where brideprice is paid, pays the bride price happily. It gives him a sense of achievement and belonging.

QED.

homesteady:
Ermmm how do they conduct the investigation? Does the Pope or whoever is the chief investigator have a special Channel to ask Mary whether She really visited those people?

I'm surprised you say you are catholic.
Before the catholic church will confirm anything as being a miracle they will study the event extensively. They will even invite not one but a team of scientific experts into the matter. There must be proof that the individual actually died and was confirmed dead by a certified doctor. Even after then they have to consider if the event has any spiritual significance before finally agreeing that it is a supernatural event.



So the catholic church does not take miracles anyhow. That's part of the issues pentecostals have with them.


Cc colored

anpaf:
Lazarus was in coma

In ancient Jewish custom, a corpse was wrapped from head to foot in white cloth after being rubbed thoroughly with spices. If the person wasn't dead before he would definitely be dead from suffocation after being wrapped from head to foot. And Lazarus was in that tomb for three days.


Trust me sir. He was dead.

Cc marc9