₦airaland Forum

Blablamalala:
That's why Nigerian men are marrying oyinbo.

This is interesting because I believe there's many Nigerian men who would not be able to align with a non-Nigerian.

Think of how many Nigerian men have a problem with cleaning, cooking, and taking care of their kids because these are seen as a lady's responsibility. Or men who see nothing wrong with hitting or cheating on their wives.

The system will also hold guys financially responsible when they have babies out of wedlock or their wives divorce them, with the mother getting 20% of the guy's take home pay for one child in a state like Texas. So, many of the guys advocating getting a baby mama or kicking out their wives will probably change their tunes when it comes time to pay for it.

Okey2010:
You don't need to come here to write this rubbish those that beg you are those that knows you if you can't help tell them you don't have.Some of you if you escape from Nigeria you start acting weird

I understand your point here and why you feel this way.

However, a lot of posts and comments on this forum are from guys complaining that ladies ask for gifts or help from them especially in romantic relationships. Should this your advice apply to them as well?

paulolee:
this the only flaws of football, u av one big season n a big club signs u with huge fee n start paying u recklessly each week if u perform or not till wen dt contact expires...

coutinho was earning 380k at barca, decided to continue on d bench than accepting a pay cut to join a small club, aston villa got him on loan n barca are still paying, even if he scores 20 goals dis season, Gerard Cnt convince him to stay in Aston villa, he would return to barca bench n continue getting his 380k except a big club decide to pay him close to that.....d crazy world of football..
all playing for the money n not happiness....d moni drives passion creates happiness

You do know that Coutinho took a pay cut to join Aston Villa, right? You can easily Google this since Xavi confirmed it in January. I guess it's easier to believe they all care about nothing other than money.

And even if they did, they give their all for the club, going through multiple surgeries and could get a career ending injury anytime. I can't blame them for negotiating a good salary for the 10ish years they are at the top of their games.

The clubs should also be taking a huge part of the blame because they sign the contracts. I support Liverpool where we might not win as many trophies as City, but we have a more sustainable wage structure and are still competitive even if it means we can't sign every player. Clubs can be responsible too

AdaNri1:
I understand perfectly how divorce works. I know that unless there’s a prenuptial agreement, everything is split in the middle.

Exactly, and the "everything" refers to property either person obtained during the relationship and not before.

Isn't this fair since we know anecdotally that women tend to carry more of the domestic responsibilities? Are things like having to slow down for childbirth to take care of kids/the home any less valuable because there's no paycheck attached to them? For people who think their spouses are not contributing as much, they can leave the relationship early and there's less/little to split.

I understand and appreciate your perspective; I just disagree regardless of the gender making more money in the relationship.

tunjilana:
And how many times do women marry men equal to them financially or lower...

How many times do women earn equally with men in marriage versus men earning more than women

Women smartly fix this by always marrying up and calling it love

According to the US Census Bureau 2018, it's about 22 percent, which admittedly, could be higher, but remember, there is a gender pay gap in society where women just makes less on average, and anecdotally, you and I could tell thar women tend to carry more of the domestic/child care duties in the home. There are some guys who are not comfortable with marrying women who make more.

My point is that giving these factors, there's probably not as many gold diggers as you might think, and a spouse does not have a right to property you had before the relationship, only those either person got while you were together. Isn't this fair if one person had to take care of the kids more so that the other could work longer and make more?

AdaNri1:
Some people just search for attention like a drowning person searches for oxygen.

Now we know you’re divorced, divorced him in Britain so that you can get your hands on his money, then used the divorce payment to put a down payment for a mortgage.

Next…

I don't think you understand how asset split or spousal support works in a divorce.

No one takes someone's money. It's based on the premise that the husband and wife are equal and everything earned during the marriage belongs to both of them. And it's interesting that there's a default assumption that the man contributed more.

Tobidarker02:
Met the best human as a companion
My love life this year was the sweetest

This is a breath of fresh air. We need to hear from more people like you, and not just all the negativity on this thread

Many people on here just seem very unhappy, just finding reasons to complain about other people's lives and preferences.

This family looks happy; may their joy last forever.

Part of it is that because of the popularity of men avoiding responsibility, pregnancy is seen primarily as a lady's problem in Nigeria.

If men knew the court system would force them to pay up to half their salaries to the lady each month for child support, many men would think again.

houstonia:
I don't know if I am doing the right thing reaching out, but I am kinda homesick, I haven't met a single Nigerian since arriving the US 4months ago, please reach out to me if you stay around the Philadelphia area. I need to learn the ropes from good Nigerians here. Thanks.

I was there for a bit a few years ago, so, some others would probably have more relevant answers but I remember there used to be a Market-Frankford train line, with a decent number of young Nigerians living around the Frankford (last) stop. Not sure of your age but if I were you, I'd start by looking for Nigerian churches (e.g. Redeem) in that area, because there's a good chance they would have some young Nigerians.

Stormtrooper11:
NF-time

Oh wow! He's one of my favorites. I had been at a couple of his concerts (even before they were getting sold out), and bought CDs for this first 2 albums lol. But these days, he has blown up with Christians and Non-Christians, and I refuse to pay reallyy high prices for his concerts

If you like him, you might like music from people like KB and Lecrae

Favfables1:
Marriage is not an "opportunity" Oga..
It's a DECISION...So there's no "maximizing" anything here, at least not in this context...

And yes, money is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce according to research, buh why does the money mostly have to come from the man?? Can't the woman make her own money and attain the "stability" you spoke about?? Is there anywhere that says women cannot attain financial stability before marriage??

Am I saying women should leave rich dudes and marry poor dudes...No... Whoever they want to is their choice. Buh I'm sick and tired of women pointing as a criteria a trait that they themselves have made no effort in cultivating...

You wanna marry a rich dude abi na stable guy, fine...are you rich yourself?? Do you have that stability that you're seeking in another??

So, I agree as well that women can, and should look, to make their own money. But even for a lady that is rich, I would say there would still be more financial security with a rich husband as well knowing that things happen in life like one person losing employment.

I disagree that marriage is not an opportunity. Behind every decision we make is an opportunity of multiple choices. For lady who marries a guy who might be financially struggling, the opportunity cost is the rich guy she could have married.

I'm a guy as well and I understand a lady might want more than I can offer. But even if every lady wants Dangote, the truth is he doesn't want all of them. At the end of the day, for everyone who gets married, they choose the best person who also desired them.

If there were two ladies with the similar character, skills and traits but the main difference is that one was a lot more physically attractive or rich, what would you do? Many desire a gorgeous wife, but that's not the main (or only) thing they need from their wives. I think a gold digger is one who is mainly after money, or who would leave after committment like marriage because they met a richer person. That's the part I detest.

meobizy:
Change my mind.

With everything we know about the Nigerian government and all the systemic issues affecting the average person, do you think the population alone is responsible for poverty?

Tbvxl:
Ain't a simp bro..... We all need love somehow somewhat

You can't buy true love.

It's not unreasonable that a lady would like to maximize the opportunity of marriage to ensure some stability and comfort especially when we know stress of finances is the biggest cause of divorce. I know we have the grass to grace stories but those are not as typical as they sound.

For most guys as well, I believe if they thought they could date a more attractive lady with decent personality, they would go for it even if the lady is far more attractive than the guys are.

Life is not balanced; most people are trying to maximize their opportunities.

CrownOfClay724:
Good for you !

It's a wide world with conflicting experiences and distinct people.

This! Totally agree here. The amount of stereotypes being perpetuated in this thread is shocking.

I've met many incredible, intelligent and responsible African Americans, just as I have of Caucasians and Africans as well. After a while, you realize that skin color tells you almost nothing about a person and you choose your partner based on what's inside the person, not the skin color or cultural background. So, yeah, some marry black Americans, and some marry whites. It's probably more dependent on the type of people around you. If you live in Utah, you'd probably end up with a white person. If you lived in New York or Dallas, there's a good chance you end up with an African American.

daddytime:
Whereabouts the Netherlands are you at?

You'd find many Nigerians in the Hague, Rotterdam, Amsterdam, and Utrecht.

They aren't much in the smaller cities.

How do you find these Nigerians oh? I moved to Amstelveen as well earlier this year without knowing people here, and have found some events in Amsterdam using Meetup, but it's been a lot easier to meet South Africans and so far, hardly any Nigerians.

Neither one is inherently better or worse.

It's the person you choose, not the nationality, that determines how good your marriage gets.

I think to some extent, Nigeria also doesn't have the best reputation internationally.

For instance, imagine you were the brother of the Polish lady and a Nigerian guy was randomly messaging her. With all you know about Nigerians, there's a good chance many of us will advise the lady to end communication.

One other thing most people have not mentioned as well is traveling. If you're able to do so (even interstate), it could expose you to people who think differently, with different interests you could experience as well.

Reading is great, but those experiences as just as valuable and could help spark future conversations.

jnrcess:
It is that time of the month when most salary earners smile home. Some have been paid and some are yet to be paid.

Personally, I haven't had a full time job in over 4 years because of school. My first full time job before I gained admission paid me 8k per month.

I recently landed a full-time job (remote) that offered me a monthly pay of 500k. As a final year student, who has never earned this amount of money in a month, I'm blown away �.

So what's the highest amount your full time job has paid you?

Questions like this in a public forum tend not to be helpful because people who make a lot of money (or claim to do so) are way more likely to respond. If you need information to help you negotiate salary in future, it's probably more valuable to search online for median income in your field, or ask people you know personally.

In your case for now, I'd say there's a lot of people who make more than you do and a lot of people who make less than you do. Just remain thankful and enjoy your blessings regardless.

UncleJudax:
Once you put your business out in the open, people will either hail or criticize you.

She is not rich. Forget packaging.

There is no scarcity of beautiful women with the right curves, there is a scarcity of healthy, tall and handsome men with resources.

Yeah, I understand that people get to respond to what she says. I was just saying I didn't understand where the hate, since a lot of us have our desires in a spouse as well and some people might consider some of our desires to be shallow.

I don't know her enough to understand how rich she is. I was just going off google search on her net worth lol

If I'm understanding your argument on this third point correctly, it seems you believe that since there is a good chance men could find women with the qualities they desire, it is fine for them to state those desires but since there is a lesser chance for women to find those qualities, they should be more realistic (if I'm wrong in my understanding, please let me know). I disagree with this argument because she's not hurting any of us with her desires, and if she ends up waiting a long time, she can choose what's best for her. Also, she probably hangs around a different circle of people than the average Nigerian; so, I would imagine there's more wealthy guys around her.

Kingcalls:
Dint u read whr she said " a rich man to take care of her and her kids" u are a simp and simps also hv fish brains

I understand you disagree with my statement, but would really appreciate if you didn't resort to personal insults. I assume we are both adults and can have a respectful conversation.

Her perspective is that she wants a rich man who can take care of her and in Nigeria, I'd argue those traditional marriage values are actually in line with the opinion of a decent number of people. How many times have you met guys who have no intention of being responsible for cooking and house work because they believe it's not their duty? In the same way, she wants a man who would be in a position to financially support her family, and it's logical that a richer man can provide more support than a man who is not as rich.

Now, I might not view things the same way she does, or not be up to her standards, but that just means I am not the right person for her. I don't have a problem with her. God will provide a person for each of us.

I don't understand the hate here.
1. She said what she wanted in a relationship, and didn't insult anyone.
2. She is relatively rich herself, and isn't asking for what she doesn't have.

When men have a listing of physical features they want in a lady, why is that any more acceptable? Especially since there is not much a lady can naturally do about her physical features.

Both genders can be shallow. Just be honest about what you want. If you find another adult who wants you and is fine with it, good luck to you guys.

This is interesting because I can kinda see what some of these guys are talking about.

I feel like as a culture, we Nigerians tend not to be emotionally expressive, which could be difficult for a partner in a relationship. So, for some ladies, they would never talk about what they really want, and if they are offended, they give you the silent treatment and expect you to figure it out. The one that baffled me most is when you ask a lady out once and she says no, but really wants the guy to try harder. In my head, no always means no, and it's difficult to understand why you won't say try harder if that's what you mean.

However, many Nigerians tend to have a higher level of loyalty because our culture exalts the trait and once they're committed, they really give you their all. It's also a lot easier to relate to someone who understands your background and family culture.

All in all, there's tendencies we have as a culture (both male and female), and we sometimes have to work harder through those tendencies to be better partners.

Just moved to Netherlands this month for a couple of years’ rotation with my company, and trying to see if there are others in the Netherlands who might want to talk or hangout in the future. I’m a 26M, born in Nigeria, moved to the US when I was younger, and currently in the exploration stage of my life. With COVID numbers the way they are, even my job is encouraging us to work from home haha and I’m looking to meet people and tour some fun places together. If you are in the neighboring countries, I’m pretty big on random traveling as well and it would be great to speak before and possibly meet up in the future.

I don’t really care about gender or age, and don’t plan on being a burden to anyone; I’m pretty comfortable and can take care of myself. Feel free to DM me and it’d be fun getting to know each other. I know there’s a number of you here, so, please help a brother out!

pocohantas:
What should mods balance? Are there no happy couples around you?

Nigerians makeup the largest African community in the US. The most educated and career driven set too. Yet when 1 out of a 1000 turn out bad, we won’t hear word again.

Even here in Nigeria, are all Nigerian wives happy with their horsebands? Abi they are just suffering in smiling because the odds are not in their favour. Shey it is because the men here fling their wives out with only her box and panties, that is why you are looking for positive diasporan marriage. As if the ones home are any better.

I agree with a lot of this. The Nigerian culture us set up to be mostly patriarchal, and it's even reflected on this forum where you have some guy having the same line about girls being useless, and he continues to get likes and shares.

So, of course the difference is jarring when you compare it to the American culture that seeks to create equality. If your wife makes more than you do during the marriage, the man could qualify to receive spousal support during divorce. If the man was the primary child caregiver, and he gets custody in divorce, he could qualify to receive child support as well. If the wife physically assaulted her husband in their home, she could be asked to vacate the house for him as well. My point is that the complaints many Nigerian men have about the American culture is not because it's unfair but because the Nigerian culture is so one-sided that any culture that seems to balance things now seems unfair to Nigerians.

Felililicia:
This is somebody, I just accepted a month ago,
I barely know him though we met twice during the relationship. During the third one( yesterday) now he is hinting for sex, the way I replied him made him change topic and said he was joking.
Anytime we meet his joystick get visibly aroused. I need a serious man. Should I dump him.
Earlier thread
https://www.nairaland.com/6576284/did-rush-accept-guy-hope

So, I'd say be honest with yourself and figure out what's important to you in a relationship, and then share that with him. If you need someone who will wait, be prepared that he might walk away and that's fine.

As you can see from a lot of the responses here, there's quite a number of guys with expectation of sex early in a relationship. In the future, it would probably be helpful to define the parameters of the relationship before it begins. Some guys will go away, but you'd know that whoever is staying is hopefully on the same page with you. Regardless of your decision, please don't let anyone belittle you for it. You have a right to your wants, just as he has a right to choose if it works for him.

Juliearth:
He earns 60k, but that is not the total cash in-flow for the month. I am expected to earn as well. Thus, assuming I earn about 200k monthly, that should bring our total cash in-flow to 260k, which is fair enough for an average family.

I remember there was another post last week asking if people can date higher than their statuses, and the consensus among many was that it wasn't ideal for them. So, you have a lady who possibly has to deal with a man's insecurities because she makes 3-4 times more, and in a society where a lot of men still believe house work and cooking is beneath them to support their wives.

I'm sure there are problematic ladies who never want to assist their husbands at all financially too, so, in the end, hopefully we all find the right person who believes the same things we do.

Strangely as well, no one seems to be talking about the guy in the video who said he couldn't marry a lady making 60k. People are much quicker to disparage any lady who might feel the same.

Tajbol4splend:
For a man, that shit is not easy, it takes summoning courage

I disagree with this slightly since I think it's more important just for the man to be secure in who he is so that he doesn't frustrate another man's daughter.

For a man who is secure, he is truly happy when his wife continues to do great things and make even more money because he realizes that he is hardworking and comfortable by himself, and his worth in the relationship goes far beyond just the money he brings in. They both support each other and motivate each other to be better people in multiple areas of life.

Connected1:
Then you supposedly meant I should get all of it since I am not her spouse, for the money part she used mine, I did nothing then I asked her for support when she received her salary, then she said she had nothing. She's hasn't been fair, but I am less bothered about that, my main problem now is that she took the money to the church and it's a waste already. they are full time scammers.

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. You know exactly who she is. She values her church, will continue donating money to them, and listening to their advice. If you have issues with her contributions or the advice the church gives, please let her go early. If you're not happy that she is unable to repay your money too, please let her go. Everyone should work to find another person that fits their values, or be sure they can handle it otherwise. You are not married and you don't have kids; life is not this hard.