₦airaland Forum

You are both correct but my position is on the negative pride. I term the positive as self-esteem (Noun) and fulfillment (verb).

Thanks to you two all the same.

Phema: Marriage counselling? Is it the usual one conducted by the church? We are yet to start the marriage classes. Thanks Ile.

Find a professional marriage counsellor. I wouldn't know if there is one in your church. If there is a professional counsellor in your church, it is an added advantage. I do not believe in most of the marriage counselling done by churches, its mostly theoretical and full of abstract.


Though I do not understand the fear you have anyway. I think its over-anxiety you are dealing with..

^^^ I am a very bad student of language including my native language. However, my basic understanding of Noun and Verb is still active .

If my comprehension is still within threshold limit, I want to assume that your definition is for the Noun part of speech while mine centers on the Verb. Dictionary does not always bring out substance from some definition. I still want to hold on to my initial statement that your description of yourself is high self-esteem which does not equate to pride. Pride in verb is a cancer that kills faster than cancerous growth.

Below is a summary of difference between pride and self-esteem in plain language.

1.Pride is defined as a high regard to one’s self worth whereas self-esteem is just synonymous with one’s self worth and is most likely at a very stable level.
2.Pride is considered as an attitude or a vice whereas self-esteem is considered by psychologists to be a type of personal trait.
3.Pride is bad to the point of being regarded as a sin worldwide whereas self-esteem is not usually considered a sin in itself.
4.Self-esteem is the stable ratio of one’s success over failure whereas pride is an overflow of feeling good or right without regard to feeling bad or being wrong.


@Op, sorry for the digression, we are learning from each other .

Chillisauce: Pride can be positive you know....

Am very full of pride and it has gotten me more than I ever imagined .

Even The Lord our God is full of pride.

DO not confuse self esteem with Pride. Pride does nothing in the long run but destruction. The Lord my God hates/despise the proud, he looks them from afar but gives Grace to the HUMBLE...

The earlier you identified what you can't stand, the better you do away with her. Always stay far away from any lady full of pride, its an attribute of destruction and will surely ruin marriage.

Bride in waiting, I only have one statement for you to ruminate over.

The foundation you lay today will determine the strength and longevity of your marriage. Lay it on a solid foundation to withstand the storm when it comes...

Are you a Nigerian?

Someone should also draw a list of women to avoid. It will be better from the female folks.


If I were to draw a list, it will be endless.

^^^ Pathetic of a mother to say the least....She is extremely myopic and ignorant of the values of life.. I pray the children of poor man grow up to become great to her disappointment and shame...

What is the end result of this question?

@Barbiechick,

Speak with the lady I gave her details in confidence, I am sure she will be of good help. She is a professional sex therapist and can handle the likes of your husband. She had handled such cases before considering the question and answer section of her column I have read before.

I wouldn't know how she will do it but I know, she has a way of communicating to people like your husband. I have read testimonies of people on how she helped out in situation like yours.

@Mrs Mansson,

Affliction shall not arise the second time. Very soon, your heart and mouth will be filled with testimonies... Babies are on the way and this time no miscarriage... It is well with you

Op,

Is your husband willing to learn? Apart from the several discussions you have had with him, does he actually understand your plight and needs? Have you studied him to know whether he just doesn't care or it is ego that is affecting him to open up?

Meanwhile, you have been given enough advice for a start ranging from diet to exercise and mind control. Get lemons and squeeze in a glass of water for him morning and night. It will help his erection. If he is willing to learn, be a friendly customer of Saturday's punch for the sex and sexuality column. He will learn a lot of stuff from it. You can as well go to punch website for past edition (type sex and sexuality in the search box on their page, Funmi Akingbade).

I pray and hope that you get a solution to this challenge speedily. It is well with you

Late Bola Ige suggested a solution for situation as this, when a man is caught molesting a female, cut off his john thomas.

For the joy of salvation, hope of eternal life and gift of a beautiful life with family.

Your husband seems to be on the selfish side with this matter. His case is not something that has no solution except the fact that he is not interested in learning and improving. He needs a session with a sex therapist.

I do not know where you can get those gadgets in Abuja but I think you can arrange a session with a sex therapist in conjunction with your husband. If you do read Saturday Punch, there is a sex and sexuality column by Funmi Akingbade, her column deals with issues like yours but your husband must be willing to come out of his shell here in seeking help. You can arrange a meeting with her or call her on phone. I think her office is in Lagos, I am not sure but this is her contact details I got from punch cafi.punch@yahoo.com, 0818 802 2803.

The gadgets may only serve a temporary purpose but cannot equate the real deal. Only wish your husband will stop being selfish.

biolabee: In a country or continent that believes children come with what they need to prosper from heaven, it weill be difficilt to introduce birth control

If the govt were fair and social justice existed, this issue will have been phased out

Is it not this same country that believes an underage girl can marry and is full age

So why should they give 2 if the girl is a househelp

Go to the streets, the children hawking do they have no head?

Until there is a social safety net and enforcement of existing legislation, there would be another househelp thread in 2 weeks time

The bolded, you know sometimes I laugh at the government when they kick against children hawking on the street. When economic foundation is destroyed, what else can the parents of such children do? If the government fails in its responsibilities of catering for the poor in the society and working towards economic emancipation of the citizens, children hawking will never stop. If they put the cart before the horse to pass a law against it without putting measures in place, then we should be prepared for increase crime rate.

Some of the parents of these children are not happy seeing their children hawk on the streets but na wetin happen make crayfish bend. I remember while in the primary school, life was so tough for my mum with four children to cater for alone. She had to be doing petty trade along with her 8-4 job. As young as I was, I knew the woman was overwhelmed and I had to plead with her to let me hawk some of those stuff she was selling (groundnut oil and fried chips). I was doing it with joy to alleviate the family's suffering. I did hawking till I was in Jss 3. In all these, my mum made sure I was up and doing with my studies. She helped me balance between school and hawking.

If you ask her some of the things she is not happy with in her life about her children, is the fact that situation warranted her to let us hawk. She wasn't happy about it but I was doing it with joy, cause it was more like fun to me. We practically do not have a government in Nigeria except rulers who are after their selfish gains.

Maturity is in character and relational skills which may or may not be formed from life's bitter and sweet experiences as well as age. Although, age is not an important determinant but relevant.

However, comparing achievements with age is not a matured way of viewing issues. Some are early starters while others are late starters. An "unsuccessful" 35yr old today may achieve all what should be achieved in a life time in as much as he has life. He may even surpass the 25yr old as described.

Maturity also entails not comparing life with another. Each person has his peculiar experiences and motivations.

I hold this phrase in high esteem and it is the basis of my relationship with people.. "Do unto others as you want them to do unto you...."

This matter transcends house-helps and also include our relationships with people we think are lesser than us in the society as well as our peers. I always try to put myself in situations before reacting. The question I always ask people maltreating others especially house-helps is "if the table were turn, would you be happy to be treated this way or would you be happy to see your children being subjected to servitude and slavery because of condition you have no control over." If he/she would be happy to accept such treatment joyfully, then I have no problem with it.

I will not stop saying it, our principal problem in the nation is ourselves and not just the government. We are so self centered and greedy that we care less about others. How will somebody that doesn't even care about his extended family will pay attention to the needs of a low-lifer brought to be used as a slave.

The most painful aspect is that, this act is usually perpetrated by the religious hypocrites who leave substance and keep chasing shadows... I hope there is a strict enforcement on the law against child labour. There should be a minimum age and qualification for house-help, at least minimum of 16 and SSCE (it doesn't matter if it is f9 parallel).

You have to first understand what is troubling her leading to the thoughts of suicide before an appropriate advice can be given.

However, this is the time she needs you most as a friend, continue to giver her listening ears and shoulders to cry on. I pray that God intervenes in whatever situation she is causing this depression.

It is well with her

TV01: To make this work, OP will have to make some real changes and set expectations of same from Mrs OP. So communicating not just what he expects from her, but how they could both be better and enhance their family. And yes a third party may have to be involved. Counselling perhaps?

This is a high stakes one if they both can't or will not step up to meet this challenge.

TV

The bolded is the sole essence of communication in this situation. As he expresses his grievances, the wife does the same and they find a balance/compromise in resolving the issues to move forward.

^^^ Being a good husband is relative and subjective. Only respective wives can attest to their husbands being good or bad. Its more important that men understand needs of their wives and cater for it. A man may deliver the whole world to his wife and yet to her, he is a bad husband simply because she just needs only a pat on the back which the husband never realized and always killing himself to please her.

In all, individuals should do the best in making his partner and children happy to the satisfaction of his conscience and God (if he believes in one).

Divorce is not the solution sir. Nobody is irredeemable, it only requires conscious and consistent effort in correcting someone. If you divorce her, how sure are you that you wouldn't end up marrying the same calibre (if not worse) of woman since you failed to figure out that aspect of her during courtship.

If you are sure she is spending all her money on her relatives, why not talk to a respected member of the relative to speak sense to her in making her responsible to her children and some other pertinent issues that deserve her attention.

The above can only be done after exhausting communication option with your wife. Sit her down, make her see where she is deficient and how she can balance between helping her family and taking care of her home front. Most times, the reason why the other party seems not to cooperate is because we normally fail in presenting points in a convincing and appropriate way to the other party. You know and understand your wife, find a way of getting her involve in the discussion and buying into your idea. Sell your conviction to her and do not push it down her throat.

We used to have this punishment called "mudodo" (catch plantain). You only need a 5min experience and your body will never remain the same.

^^^^^ Thanks.. will surely do...

To bring in a different dimension about "Nigerian dad". I want to believe that many people can not differentiate a good man, a good husband from a good father. Hence, the generalisation "Nigerian men" are useless probably because he is not a good husband.

A man can be good to the community around him and society at large and still be a bad father or bad husband. He may be a good husband and end up being the worst dad in the world. It takes grace, determination and disciplined character to be all at the same time which some men just couldn't come to terms with.

My dad fits in the perfect example of a good man but a bad husband cum dad. Yes, he was good to the society, helped everybody in need, paid fees of those who couldn't afford it etc. If there was to be a questionnaire of his character passed without the involvement of his close family, he would have had a 98% pass if not more. Yet, he failed on all fronts in his home. I can count the number of times I saw my dad in my lifetime, let me say I have no single story I can tell of my dad but that will not lead me to a generalisation remark that all nigerian fathers are bad. I do not like a general statement because it doesn't do well with the whole population.

Nevertheless, I still appreciate my dad because he is/was my dad and he did what he thought was best for his family. The experience I had built in me a solid foundation that my wife and children will always appreciate God for. I am of the school of thought of learning from every situation and becoming better for the experience. I have a young boy of 71/2month, I can't trade the joy and expression on his face anytime I arrive home with hanging out with boys. There was something I missed from a father figure which I am not ready for the cycle to continue. There is nothing his mother does that I can't do including changing diapers and bathing except that anytime I bath him, soap always find a way of entering his eyes .

@Op, you have made a good decision, keep to the resolve and you will be better for it in the long run.

Guitarlife: Sir/Ma, I very well can relate with your submission but then you need to consider too that this is a very sensitive issue.
The Op has not divulged any sensitive information and she is totally anonymous so I do not understand where this paranoia about discussing family issues with strangers is coming from.
NL may be just a forum or play ground for you but for some its there family.
As long as Op remains anonymous, her decision to speak on here is still noble . She also has not said anything denigrating or unbecoming so I do not see anything wrong here.

Sir/Ma,

As much as I understand the anonymous part, you still didn't get the point I was trying to pass. No matter how anonymous a forum is, discussion with a partner first is the right thing to do and not jump at either faceless or "faceful" forum. Nobody knows how well the poster can process information and suggestions, if some others come here and give bad advices and she chooses to take those ones, will she not put her home in more trouble.

How can you tell if her husband is also on nairaland and knows her username? How do you expect him to feel reading it here without the wife discussing it with him at all? It is good to teach a man to fish rather than give him fish. In this context, it is good she is taught amicable conflict resolution without intervention of third party either faceless or "faceful', that is the hallmark of an healthy relationship.

@Guitarlife,


What kind of encouragement are you giving the post about resolving differences in her home. If there is any quarrel or disagreement with husband and issues in her home, the first thing for her is to run to third party for solution because she alone knows where the shoe is pinching?


For an healthy relationship either in marriage or daily living with others, courtesy demands you must first discuss issue with the party involved first to find a solution. It is only when that does not work that a third party is encouraged to be invited in the case.


How will you feel if it happened in your home and your wife didn't say anything only for you to read it here? Please let us always put ourselves in situations before giving verdict.

Oh not again... Sometimes I wonder what some husbands do to protect and guard their homes.


Have you discussed this with your husband before coming here? It will be a disrespect to him if you have not done so. Since your husband was at home the said day, probably he was the one who told him to go inside and sleep there. This is why you have to discuss with him first before bringing it to third party.

Mueeze: Thanks for the VIN check.

What do you suggest? Should I go for the car or not?
It currently has a milage of 96000.

According to the history report here, the last reported odometer reading was in 2003 at 44,841. There is no way it will still be 96000 in 2013 except the owner changed the engine.

However, considering the accident reported in july, 2013 to be a front impact collision, you are not sure of its impact on the engine. I will not advise you to buy the vehicle, it will require additional spending to bring it back to shape. I do not know how well you can afford that.

If what you described above is true, the girl has a serious attitudinal issues and needs urgent help. They are the type that misbehave when married and expect not to reap the consequence of their actions.

I hope your brother is not disturbed by whatever the in-laws are saying. He should stand his ground in this situation and take authority over his home as the husband. Whatever the in-law will say, the girl must first apologize and be sober for her misdemeanor.

yellowpawpaw: Good riddance to rubbish!
They should never allow her in their house again.heediot!
Maybe another hediot is shinin her congo and givin her small small change and her head is swelling.
And she might feel that the d heediot is better than her inlaw, she is better than her sis bla bla bla.
Pple like that don't learn except with pregnancy and its related wahala or stds.

The probability is high and can't be far from the truth. I have encountered many of them like this before. She needs proper scolding and character reset via intense pressure..

^^^^ Well said.