Could it be that people get carried away by wanting to showcase the wedding of the year than looking closely at the person that they are trusting the rest of their lives with.
Just read your story now. Very sad indeed. Glad for you now.
kkjoy: What can I say?? Until you pass through it you won't be able to say for sure why women stay in abusive marriages. I was a victim for a little bit over 3 yrs, I was beaten up and humiliated all the time, I tried running out of the marriage but my mom won't hear of it, I went to the police but I was sent back home, d police told me it was a family matter. At a point I realised he wld kill my baby if I didn't leave him, the love I had for my son was wat gave me the courage and strength to run away from home. I ran back to my parents empty handed and till today I'm still struggling to make ends meet but I'm happier and feel safer this way.
@bukatyne true that. Also in line with what tearoses them have been saying. Parents have a big role to play in helping their kids turn out normal. Of course they can't solve all problems like this by raising them right since there will always be that one that wants to get lost at all costs. But they can certainly try to set the right examples and standards for their kids to aspire to to in adulthood.
Kimoni well we will probably eventually agree to disagree but before that, I just want to make sure you're not misunderstanding me or my opinions. I don't prescribe everyone leave a marriage the moment their partner isn't acting right.
Speaking of domestic violence/abuse the victim knows when they no longer feel safe with their partner and that's when to call it quits. There's no defined number of times it must happen before they know it's no longer safe in there. For some it's the first time that scares them out of their boots, for others 10times won't do it. So we can't really "say give her or him three chances and if they attack you again, then leave." It's all about when one no longer feels secure or safe with their partner.
Also abusers don't always act violent to everyone around them. When they lock in on a victim, that person becomes their means of letting out while they act all nice and courteous with others outside making the victim seem paranoid when they voice out. It's all part of the mind/power or control game.
About the victims being somehow responsible for it, I see it as I see those comments like "dress well so you won't be raped". It takes away from responsibility where it belongs.
@TV01 Yea I was getting to the part where domestic violence is not only restricted to married relationships. One bit at a time as I'm not online at a stretch to post all the various angles at once.
Besides from the beginning of the thread, we have tried to show that abuse isn't the prerogative of one gender but if you also have ways of making the discussion more objective and non biased (if you think it still is) pls I'd appreciate that. The truth is that I feel very hurt for any man who can't express his pain because he's expected to man up and not show weakness. I don't think it's natural and I also believe it leads to expressions of unnecessary aggression because of long suppressed emotions. So pls more objective points are welcome:
About Valorising divorce, I don't think anyone preaches divorce for frivolous reasons like you're trying to make it look. When the other option is death, then that's the right message to preach. It doesn't then mean such a person is trying degrade marriage. From where I stand even I would think that upgrades marriage in itself because the underlying message is that marriage should be beautiful (even with it's ups and downs) and not some scary bondage one can't get out of when it becomes horrible.
@tearoses was the girl on nairaland? That guy is one serious time bomb waiting to explode. Maybe she thought he was acting a James Bond movie. How blind can anyone be?
For people going through DVs, they first need to to look inwards to determine if they are in anyway 'triggering' (not causing o) the violence themselves. Some women's sharp mouth can provoke the meekest angel to acts of domestic violence.
@kimoni, I'm sorry, not in a million years can I agree with this. Someone who isn't prone to violence won't abuse anyone regardless of provocation. Besides we know abuse is a continuous thing. If that person can continuously be provoked to keep lashing out violently at others, then it's time they realize the problem is them not the other person triggering their wild side.
As for being peculiar to naija, when I say something like this happens and we do nothing, it's not because I don't know it happens in other places but it's because my main concern is naija and is always my point of reference.
I know that helpless feeling of looking at someone and knowing they might end up dead one day but unable to do anything except talk to them.
It's a very frustrating experience especially if you care about the person in question. because the one you say is going to be countered by someone else who will advice them that everything will be alright and that divorce is not the answer. That little ray of false hope is all they need to go on living in denial and believing it will be fine eventually.
I know one lady that used to fast and pray and endure and then come running to my mom to cry some more. After all talk and advice, few weeks later she will go back to him. On and off and on and off. Now she's dead. I remember I was so hurt when she died I just created one thread with my former moniker to vent and rant, and that was it. finally it's all past news now. The kids she was staying for are now basically orphans because he's locked up (heard he's out now). Na naija. Anything is possible so he may be out now. And that's how her life has been wasted because "she didn't want another woman to come take her place in her matrimonial home" whatever that means
Physical abuse against men is something that I think even the some men themselves don't take seriously because of the relaxation that they can handle any partner that tries to get physical on them. But most times in such cases, it will only take the lady lifting something to hit him with and that will be the end of him. Seeing as most women aren't quite strong as men, most violent females attack with household weapons laying around. So a violent female partner needs to be taken quite as seriously as her male counterpart.
People that tell abuse victims to stay and work it out, I don't know how their minds work. Seriously.
If you've ever been screamed at, humiliated, hit -- or know someone who has -- you're not alone. Every year, one out of every four women in America is abused by her partner.
Susan's boss suspected the abuse and kept track of the days when she came to work with bruises. Susan's 13-year-old son videotaped his mother being beaten by his father.
When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner Lee Still, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life.
Once they were married, she says things began to escalate at home. Susan says her husband abused her verbally and psychologically nearly every day of their marriage ... even when their three children were present. Often, Susan says Ulner made audio recordings of his tirades so that he could listen to them later.
For years, Susan says Ulner told her that she was stupid, alienated her from her family and accused her of being a bad mother. "There were times when I absolutely thought I was stupid. There were times that he absolutely had convinced me that I was a terrible mother," she says. Oprah.com: How to heal your teens
Then, after being married for more than 10 years, the emotional abuse took a violent turn. For the last two years of their marriage, Susan says she endured regular beatings at the hands of her husband. She says anything could set him off. "When you're in that life -- in that state of mind -- it's hard to make a decision over the simplest things," she says. "It's hard for you to walk across the room and make sure you're walking across the room the right way."
Domestic abuse is a crime that happens behind closed doors and is rarely, if ever, seen ... until now.
One Sunday afternoon in 2003, Susan says her husband became enraged when she asked him if she could fix him a sandwich for lunch. He went in search of his audio recorder to tape his verbal assault. When he couldn't find it, Susan says he chose the next best thing -- a video camera.
Ulner ordered his oldest son, who was 13 years old at the time, to record his tirade. What resulted was 51 minutes of horrifying footage. Susan says her oldest son operated the camera, while her 8-year-old son sat in the room, watching the abuse unfold.
During the first 40 minutes of the video, Ulner screams insults at his wife of 14 years and threatens her with physical violence.
"You play those stupid games with me, I'll knock your teeth out of your face. ... I'm going to knock your head across that wall," he tells Susan as their sons look on. Oprah.com: Susan's children speak out about her abuse
At first, Susan stands silently in the room with her head bowed. Looking back, she says she was trying to come up with a way to calm her husband down. "My mind was racing to find the right answer -- to find the answer that was going to make him happy for that second, to appease him so he wouldn't start hitting," she says.
Nothing she says works. Ulner punches, kicks and slaps his wife repeatedly during the final 10 minutes of the video. As he throws her around the room, he demands Susan's obedience. "You've been taught what to say to me, heifer," he says. "You follow what I say to the T."
In all, he calls her "stupid" 23 times and "heifer" 28 times in less than an hour.
After the camera stopped rolling, Susan says Ulner sent their son to the kitchen to get ice for her bruises. Then, Susan says she showered and spent the rest of the day downstairs, doing laundry and trying to stay far from her husband.
Susan's oldest son didn't just operate the video camera during the verbal and physical assault, he is also heard speaking in support of his father's actions. Over the years, Susan says Ulner brainwashed all three of their children and forced them to participate in her abuse.
On one occasion, Susan says she said something that made her husband so angry that he demanded a family meeting. "He called all the kids in the room ... and he made them call me a 'white ho slut' in unison," she says. "He would tell them when to start, and he would tell them to repeat. ... In my mind, I was screaming, 'That's not what I am. That's not what I am. How can you do this? How can you have my children do this to me?'"
Susan says she was devastated by her children's actions, but she understands why they did it. "I knew that my children needed to do what they needed to do to survive in that house," she says. "If that meant they needed to side with the power, then that's what they had to do."
The same day the video was shot, Susan made a fateful decision. As she was sitting in a room with her oldest son, her husband gestured toward her. "He looked at my son and he said, 'You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up,'" Susan says.
With that comment, she says she came to the realization that Ulner could possibly end up killing her. So Susan made the decision to leave.
When Susan got to work the next day, she was covered in bruises from the previous day's beating. When Lynne, her friend and boss who knew about the abuse, came over to check on her, Susan says she said, "Today is the day."
Lynne called the police. "They came to my job, they took pictures, and we developed a plan," Susan says. "[I needed] time to decide, where are we going to go? What are we going to do? We had nowhere."
As Susan fled with her sons, Ulner called her repeatedly, trying to track her down. Police recorded the phone calls to document his violent threats. In one he screamed at her, "If you don't bring my son home, I'm going to kill you, heifer."
After years of abusing his wife, Ulner was finally arrested. At trial, Ulner's behavior shocked the prosecutor, Lisa Bloch Rodwin. "I've never seen such arrogance," she says.
"He was making eye contact with the female jurors and trying to look like he was king of the world and that he could control them the way he controlled everybody else. ... When he was interviewed by the probation department, he blamed Susan for putting him in this position. But the judge said to him, 'You still don't get it. You have destroyed these children. You have destroyed this woman.'"
In her closing arguments, Lisa played the videotape for the jury one more time. "What I said to the jury is, 'He keeps saying, I have to teach you.' And I asked the jury to teach him."
They did, finding Ulner guilty of 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. The judge sentenced him to 36 years in prison -- reportedly the longest sentence ever given for this kind of domestic violence. He's not eligible for parole until 2022.
Lisa emphasizes that while the 51-minute videotape put a horrific face on the abuse, it was not the most important piece of evidence in the case. "That videotape shows a misdemeanor assault punishable by up to only one year in jail," she says. "You don't need a videotape. You need to document your injuries."
Ulner got such a stiff sentence, she says, because of the numerous times -- not recorded on any tape -- he beat Susan with items like books and belts. "Those dangerous instruments make it a felony," Lisa says.
Susan didn't keep records of her abuse...but Lynne, her vigilant boss, did. Oprah.com: Suspect abuse? What you can do to help
When Lynne began noticing signs of abuse in Susan, she wanted to make sure she wasn't overreacting. So she started making notes in a calendar every time she witnessed a sign of abuse -- the appearance of bruises, Susan acting withdrawn, coming to work late or being frequently absent.
Lynne even overheard Susan call Ulner "Master" in her frequent phone calls to check in with him.
"One of the huge tips to me was there was a time that [Ulner] had to leave town for a while. And while he was gone, she was a different person," Lynne says. "She was, you know, free and comfortable."
When she thinks of the tape of her own violent beating, Susan refers to the woman in it as a different person from herself -- calling her "she" rather than "I."
"She's a different person to me, but she's very much a part of this person here," Susan says. "I look at her and I think, 'How could you have let yourself get to that state? How could you have let this happen to you?' But I know how I did. So I guess she's a different person to me now. But I know she's here and she's helped me be who I am today."
Abuse comes in many forms -- yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence.
Recognizing the signs of abuse -- especially in instances where physical violence is not involved -- is not easy, sometimes even for those being abused. If you think you or someone you know is being abused, it's important to tell someone before it's too late .
When you found out he was married, you didn't leave.
God still saved you from the disastrous relationship and you got a family of your own but you chose to dump them for someone who won't leave his own for you.
Do you think everyone is foolish like you? You expect him to sacrifice his family for you? Keep dreaming.
I don't like ladies like you who don't think twice about taking other people's husbands. Selfish and wicked.
armyofone: There was one that was so ruthless can't forget. It was on Oprah Winfrey show about this guy who dealt with his wife and ask the kids to film it. Coco, seen it ?
johnson232: What do u mean by the bold? Or do u intend propagating a just message with a biased mind? Aren't u aware of the fact that considerable number of men are also subjected to domestic violence? If u are now encouraging women to partake in domestic violence with impunity in our schools, what becomes of the helpless men subjected to domestic violence?
I don't think that is what we should be telling our kids, that's bias. That way we are implicitly encouraging girls to engage in domestic violence with impunity.
'We should all shun domestic violence' should be the message we are imparting to our kids, not a lopsided one. Everyone should be chastised for instigating domestic violence, regardless of gender...
MizMyColi: As much as I remember, I have always held ALL Nigerian leaders in contempt and held sway that the turbulent waters of Nigerian politics remain unchartable.
All that changed when Goodluck passed through the the annals of Nigeria's presidential history.
Are some of the common lines used to socialize even growing boys to buy into the school of thought that it's shameful to seek help when being abused or that to even be abused makes them unmanly as they should easily be able to physically handle anybody who's trying to abuse them.
While that is a nice strength to have (the ability to defend yourself physically), there's also nothing shameful about not knowing how to express violence or choosing not do so.
MMotimo: This is a common fallacy, believing it is lack of financial power and maybe it is the reason why a working young woman walks with eyes wide open into the arms of a predator; believing she can walk away if it gets bad because she has a job.
Enduring domestic violence is majorly about lack of willpower not financial power. The relationship between abusers and victims is one of prey and predator. It is very psychological and very complex which is why me people will sometimes saying the abuser is doing juju. It often does not make sense. Ask that Skye Bank Titi girl that was killed in the home she was paying rent for. Predators seek out prey because that is their natural instinct. Some women become prey for many reasons, lack of self worth/esteem being a major one (Efemenaxy's post).
In the West, government provides resources for women in domestic violence situations but they often go back to their abusers and many of them eventually end up dead. These victims include a lot of working women.
In Nigeria, how many women exactly have zero source of income? Most victims have income but will still stay with abusers. Even those that may say they need money to escape still go back to the abuser. The family support network is so strong in Nigeria that most victims will have at least one person in their family (often more) willing to help them with financial support if necessary but breaking away from their abuser is still an uphill task.
If you listen to women who suffer domestic violence, you will cry for them. For so many, it's like an addiction they can't break, they feel so helpless.
If you want to help, start with teaching women to value themselves, raise them strong. When a predator smells a strong woman, he keeps moving because a predator can smell his victim a mile off. Tell yourself you are better than whatever nonsense he starts with (full blown violence builds up gradually, not from day 1) and don't let fear tie you to a monster.
The question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing Catholic people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their church. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.
A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.
Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don't deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I've had in my life.”
Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.
Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.
The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases.
There are cases of working victims who still get subjected to domestic violence, and yet they remain in such abusive relationships.
I think it's a complex mix of societal norms / expectations (I.e. a "good wife" stays put, no matter what), power wielding (insatiable need of the abuser to feel in total control), and mind games (psychological feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness from the victim).
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