₦airaland Forum

Yea well looks at this way.
If something belonged to someone first, because you need to consider yourself first doesn't make it right to take it. Then that means it's okay to rob someone because let's face why should I deny myself the pleasure of something you own if I can have it? Even if it makes you sad.

Those are instances where it is okay to displease yourself to please someone else.

I'm of the belief that people are free to live how they want and do they that make them happy without judgement. Only drawing the line at the point where such actions hurt others.

Mindfulness:
This is a very good argument and I used to think the same way which resulted in a serious argument with a friend of mine. I have changed my mind because why would a lady hurt the feelings of the man she so desires by rejecting him and consider the feelings of someone she doesn't even know? And why would she hurt herself by denying her own desire? Is her desire to be with someone less important than that of the wife she doesn't know?



I am in complete agreement with this.

bigboyo:
It is forbidden in Yorubaland for a woman to start seeing a man after her husband is dead. She risks being dead herself especially if its not up to a year.

Why?

babygirlfl:
Yes dear. A widow can't move on after 6 months but a married man is free to sleep around. Hahaha. Only in our part of the world.

as in

Mindfulness:
We can agree to disagree and yet exchange our views in a friendly way. If we all agreed all the time, it would be boring so let us continue talking if you don't mind. Why is it morally wrong to date a married man, someone enlighten me please.

@bold because it's is morally wrong to partake in something that hurts someone else. So if you know your actions are causing someone somewhere pain, you don't need any religious affiliation or even a belief in God at all to know that it's is unfair to that other person and you need to stop.

@ topic, BTW I'm of the school of thought that she owes the wife no faithfulness and that she's not the wife's main concern. It is not contradictory with my first paragraph. It simply means that wives should learn to hold their husbands responsible instead of using the other woman as a pass to vent while the problem is still there and living with them. It's like being in denial. Obviously there could be many of them. Who then will the wife fight? As many as she can find? The common factor is the man and he let the dogs in. If he is sorted out and set straight the girls will disappear. Whereas dealing with girl after girl will yield no result until the man (who's the problem) decides to change. Maybe we agree on this one.

babygirlfl:
coco read between the lines. Same old trick to teach married women how to take care of the man or someone else comes and does the job the wife refused to do.

Probably.
I guess that's why she's focusing on why should a happily married man be having an affair. Slyly Implying it's the wife's fault

babygirlfl:
Morals is for women in Africa. Men don't need to be morally upright

Tell me about it.

Imagine landlord wife sleeping with one tenant and someone ventures to say don't tell the landlord.

bukatyne:
Now when you are mama ejima?

It would be sweeter when you just finished university

My mama no care o.
According to her "you're still my child even at 50"

We still have outstanding drama to face because she doesn't know I pierced my nose yet.
Hehehe.

MsGlobalwonder:
dear cococandy, I love you! No need for long story!!

Lol. thanks

SAMBARRY:
your mummy issue quote was what I found funny

Okay. But I didn't mean it to be funny sha.
You know nairaland has spoiled us. Nobody knows when you're serious or joking.

When parents treat their kids with such lack of love and say cruel things to them, it affects them when they get older.
Now they will either see all women or men as wicked.

You see the bolded is the problem.
If she can never bring another man into the house, then it means she's never allowed to move on. That's what folks don't realize.
Also it perpetuate the belief that women must settle for those financially better than them.
Because in the case of a woman who dates a man that doesn't have a house of his own, it's would not make sense to expect them to float in the air because the man can't live with her.

About respect, it is not disrespectful to move on after the loss of a partner. 6 months later, 10yrs later. Same thing. Depending on how you felt about the marriage while it lasted. I would advice caution if the kids are still small. For their safety. Cos you never know who's who. But if they are grown, I see no issues.

As For her bringing different men there, that's irresponsible. Quite agreed. I think everyone agrees with that. Mostly. Also that's what I consider to be disrespectful. It's like turning the house into a brothel. Even if she wasn't previously married, it's not a nice image. Same goes for guys that bring in different women into their homes whether previously married or still single.

Yea I'm glad you're not an ediot.

xtervaganza:
1st let me say you have asked intelligent questions. I had to read it like 3 times to come up with answer


As for the bolded; for me ooo personally, even if she decides to move on after 100 years I'll never be okay with her bringing a man into her hubby's house. A woman normally moves in with a man not the other way.
A man who moves into another man's sweat and house is a leech and deserves thorough tidying



And you said we should shift love aside? How about respect? Is that not important too? If she respects her late husband she would never do that.




And for the last question; it's tricky, you know why? 1st it's irresponsible for a man to bring in a woman to his house just 6 months after his wide died even after a year it's still stoopid in my opinion


According to the op, the woman brings different kind of men home. Now let's say the person in the story is a man, now tell me how a responsible man will bring different won home just 6 months after his woman died? I don't even care if they are the worst enemy while she was alive.



Back to why I said it's tricky, if let's say the man is still very young and he owns the house if he wants to remarry then fine but if the house belongs to the woman or they both own the house I think it's 500% wrong



Lastly, I'm not one the countless fools who think men are superior to women. We are equal, I have an uncle I stopped speaking with because he took in a 2nd wife, I also have a friend I'm not on speaking terms with because he beat his wife. I'm not an idiot

Suddenly everybody's morals have flown the window.

I tire for this site.

babygirlfl:
This thread is just so funny.

I bet she opened this thread so that people will come insult the man and call him names for playing her.

These guys possessive sha. Even in death

You're talking about someone you love.
They weren't in love so shift the love go one side.
And even if they were in love, people love differently so I don't think it's okay to judge her by your own views of love. Anyway opinions differ so I'll respect your opinion on that. I.e 6 months is too short to move on.

About the house thing, I was looking for a specific response. The one you gave seemed vague. If say she moved on after 3yrs, would it then be okay to bring another man in? Or would it NEVER be okay? Remember the house is hers too.
And by the man's death now belongs to her alone instead of both of them. So say she wanted to move on after mourning him 'properly' for 2yrs should she sell her house because her late husband lived there with her so no other man can?

Would you also cut ties with a man who's bringing other women into his home 6months after his wife's death because he's evil? I'm just asking this one because I want to be sure I'm not debating with someone already biased based on gender cos it's usually a waste of time.

But I'm more interested in your response for the bolded question.

xtervaganza:
it appears I'm learning something new on here today .
But personally I don't think I can get over losing the person I love ever. But 6 months to me is nog only too early but evil
I'll say maybe 2 years or even more. And no matter what it's a total lack of respect to the late man to bring another man to his house.
You say morals is out of it but common sense should tell her it is wrong. If I know someone who does that to her late husband I'll cut ties with her. She's evil

Akposy:
Happy Birthday to me

Happy birthday dear

^^^SMH.

Good for him.

toshmann:
I feel you. But the fact that men do it doesn't make it right though. Man or woman, something wrong is still wrong. The Grave is still too fresh to bring in another man (or woman) into the very bed your deceased partner shared with you, with total disregard for your children and their feelings.
6 months is unacceptable for me. At least 1yr.

You can date him, even f--k him, whatever, but dont bring him home yet. Dont make it official yet. Think of how the kids will feel. How can you look your daughter in the face and stop her from sleeping around with men.

But it's my own opinion though.

@bold, So what's the difference then?
Anyway that's what most people do.
Hide their love affairs so that people won't judge them. They are still not different from those who do it openly.

toshmann:
Dont make it a man vs woman affair. This is wrong. Women always defend women until their son becomes a man.

By the way, you this cococandy. . . . You seem familiar. . . . . . . . . I remember you

Where is your sister?

Why not? If people would accuse the man of killing his wife because he moved on then I wouldn't bother to mention it. But since they don't, pointing out the hypocrisy is very necessary.

@bold lol. That's for those who don't have daughters too.

Oh my sister? she's fine.

xtervaganza:
how do you simply get over someone you love in just 6 months?


Even if it was a loveless marriage it is morally wrong

Okay then. So I'm asking you specifically if 6 months isn't good.

How long do you think is good.
7 months, a year, 2yrs?
After how long will the presence of another man in that house not cause raised eyebrows?
Just your honest opinion.

Morally wrong? She's not cheating on the husband. so there's no business with morals in this case.

Just etiquette.

Mindfulness:
I was aking myself the same question and my answer was no. Abuse is an integral part of Nigerian parenting, which explains the behavior of so many adults.

Yea because we still have a lot of beating as part of our discipline routine.
This video would have gone very differently if it was shot at home. People would only step in if the nanny was beating the child mercilessly.
A little beating would have been okay and no one would even turn to look at them.

Imagine if that nanny in this video had lifted a hand publicly to smack that child.

So I guess it's mostly about what we think is okay or not.

Mindfulness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXmDWfNafio

Aww this is so cute.
People still care

andromida:
How young is the young girl?

I think she said 15

Poor child.
The mom that should at least protect them has had her senses beaten out of her. She will watch her kids die before she stands up to the useless husband.

OP if you can forward her email to any NGO that specializes in cases like this, that may help.
Otherwise I don't know.

SAMBARRY:

Ha an
What's funny now?
Iya wura.

xtervaganza:
you mean just 6 months later it's ok to bring a man to her late husband's house?



You people are demons

So when will it be okay?
No seriously. I just want to get your opinion.

Is it okay after 1yr?

Yea. Like I said before the issue is that there are different men.

But even if it was only one man, I'm sure folks would still complain.
In fact even if it was 5yrs after they would still complain. One boy was complaining here a few days ago how the mom is dating again after the died (he's been dead for yrs according to the post)

It's in our blood to police women right into the grave. After she's been buried, her spirit still has to live by some 'societal rules' made by society. AKA misogynist men and women too weak to say 'this is not fair'.



.

babygirlfl:
@ bold, exactly. I try not to judge people. Let alone judging them by my standard. Like you said, the bad marriage could mean so many things including cheating and beating. How is a woman who was constantly cheated on or beaten actually mourn the man for a long time.

The double standard in our part of the world is really disturbing and to think even some women support it is disgraceful to say the least. I have heard of a man who married the woman he came to his wife's funeral just four months after the wife died. It was not in the news. Some men who don't marry immediately, start going from one woman to another and it's fine according to society. Then when it's a woman, people make it their business and want to tell her when to move on. I am glad women are beginning to shun society and do what makes them happy.

It's sad but just move on.
I can bet you your mom isn't having it rosy wherever she is.
And it sounds like her love for you guys has died.
Kpele.

Sorry to say women are wicked set of human beings

You're bound to have mommy issues now looking at that bit of your post.
but don't let them cloud your sense of reasoning in making something out of your life. It is tough to be rejected by a parent.
But You'll meet a great woman who will erase the bad experiences from your mind.

Certifiedboss:
Bringing him to the house and spending night on their bed tells a different story even if irts just one man . you won't understand something until it happens to someone close to you . God forbid, if the late husband was your brother I'm sure you won't be happy to hear that his wife has already moved on with life just 6months after and she's even bringing the man to the home she once shared with your brother . Before you comment ........ THINK

Yea but if your brother lost his wife you wouldn't mind him moving on 6months later.

toshmann:
Technically you are right. But in our african culture, 6 months is a little too short. At least a year. And if she has adult children, or even teenage children, heck any child at all who can talk, she shoulda let them know of it, before bringing a man to replace their father.

#thesewomenarenotloyal
#dontkillyourselfforthem

It all depends my brother.
I know that personally for someone I loved, a few years won't be enough to mourn them.
I even say that as young as I am now, if something were to happen to my DH, I won't marry again. Doesn't mean I won't move on eventually. But I won't judge people based on my own standards.

OP said they didn't have a good marriage. Who knows if they are even his real parents abi the story is copy and paste. We dey here dey tear our dross.

Anyway a Bad marriage could mean a whole lot of things. Cheating, beatings, etc etc. In light of that, I think 6 months is a befitting respect period. If I was in a bad marriage and Couldn't leave because of reasons best known to me, the man dies, I would mourn like two weeks and moved on to the next bobo. (make dem sue me)

Talking about tradition, I've seen men marry 6 months after their wives died. When did they court the lady? Yet people come to their weddings and rejoice, wish them well and pray for them.
Now mommy is dating and the heavens want to fall. Somehow she must have killed the man according to majority of posters here. I wonder why I never hear that when a man's wife dies and he decides to move on so soon.

That's one skewed tradition. As are most anyway.

fem29:
As in I would have had a massive hissy fit and scattered the whole house. I would have gone straight round to the office and shouted at the stupid idiotic exgirlfriend and extracted my keys from her immediately.

Both of them go even fear to talk to each other again after I react