₦airaland Forum

If it is true, start looking for job elsewhere. If their story gets out and even if it didn't come from you,you may still be in grave danger. Don't play with your life dear.
If you get another job,move ASAP. He will even be glad to see you quit.

damiso:
Girls tend to get more money than boys At least from when i was university and most people I know.

Sometimes though what happens is daddy and mummy might give money for expression/ darling yaki but girl wants brazillian hair.Daddy and mummy buy or can afford Nokia but girl wants iphone or Samsung galaxy S5.

I can't stress how important it is to keep reaffirming to children (boys and girls) not to base their self worth on material things (its hard sha cos I remember how I too really wanted mocassins one time cos all my friends had them and i did not)

The values my parents instilled in me were so strong that I actually could not bring myself to be an aristo chic.I could not imagine going through all the stress 'runs girls' went through all for maybe 50k at the most. I knew runs girls back then and those gals used to be as broke as hell ) 50k was big money back then don't get me wrong ( i probably never had that much money at any one time)but I just decided to try to manage what my parents gave me.If I wanted more I helped mum in her shop or we did coporate gifts together.My mum had been using my money to buy me stuff to sell from when I was in 100 level.I am happy I learnt to be self sufficient from a young age.

Very true. They were the group who borrowed the most and lived lifestyles above their means. Even with constant aristoism, they never had enough because the pressure to keep up the big girl image was too much and money consuming.

zed7:
Lol. Shakara don end. Next thread might be hubby caught with a teenager with pointed breasts.
Go for surgery, that's the only option. Funny how women fall apart after having kids. Yet dem go say women equal to men.

try pushing out a baby. Not only will your non existent breastts fall, you may not service it. Yea women are not equal to men. In that regard, women are superior.

It must be really really rocket-science hard to type a comment that addresses an OP's concern even if it is totally off point.
At least a lame attempt at trying to help a worried poster would make more sense than lurking around in the shadows waiting for others to comment and then come riding the horse of foolishness on the back of other posters to attack those who tried the little they could.
And for what reason? one wonders. Is there really a reason for this mind-numbing imbecility?

Really twisted
Goodluck to them

This is evidence? Mtchew

babyosisi:
You are going in with a winning mindset
That will make you work and do anything ( within the confines of sanity) to make it work
I always add that portion in the parenthesis when I say things like this because there are things people may do and advocate to do that I will not do or advocate to do
All that fight for your marriage crap when your man is out there doing ikwokirikwo with other women,fathering children here and there or beating you black and blue and calling you ewu and Aturu in front of your own children and others
I am not about to fight for anyone nne
I wasn't created that way

On the flip side
Do you know people go into marriage with the mindset of

" if it works out good and well,if it doesn't we part ways"
Those ones will even file for divorce because he forgot their birthday till noon or didn't buy them a befitting gift at Christmas
Why should a Christmas gift be an issue when I can buy one for myself ?

You're right.
Those kind of people and the ones that will die in the marriage belong to the opposite extreme ends of the spectrum.

Those that will give their life to sustain an unsustainable marriage and those that won't even lift a finger to work on their marriage even when their problems are totally fixable.
I see both groups as extremely selfish.

The first group more concerned about keeping up an outside image of euphoria,more concerned about what people will say if they leave even when it hurts their kids and puts them in a position of being potentially motherless or fatherless.

The second group too insensitive and self centered to try make the little sacrifice it will take to restore harmony to the union and give their kids a more stable and balanced home.

I think Every couple should try to be inbetween these two extremities. Willing to work and sacrifice for the marriage and their kids while knowing when enough is enough so as to move on to avoid hurting themselves and their kids more than they already have.

craziebone:
why the face? could you pls explain, wo de ai ren?

@bold. What are you speaking? I don't get that.

The face? Oh that's the face people make when Obama declares that he's turning best friends with Osama.

They are both surprised and keenly watching

Even as a young woman I really doubt if I have the energy to start all over again should anything happen now how much more when I'm older.
I don't see my self doing that.

People are really complicated even when it comes to very very inconsequential things that really shouldn't matter at all. I'd rather be single and raise my kids alone than expend the energy and time required to start trying to adapt to one more new different man.

Too much work.

babyosisi:
I was talking with some younger colleagues and the issue of marriage came up and I stated that I will not marry more than once.
This is it for me
I am sure some were surprised to hear that especially in a society where divorce and re-marriage was the norm
Not for me
While I cannot control anyone's action but hypothetically just for the sake of conversation,my husband decides tomorrow that he is done with me and found someone else and we part ways,I will not remarry.
Marriage is a lot of hard work,marriage is tough
It takes a lot of energy to learn another person,adapt to him and him to you,raise a family, adapt to the extended family
We have gone through some real tough times together financial and emotional and matured together too
I can only do that once
I cannot at this stage start dealing with a new man and his temperaments or his kids from someone else and his family.

This resolve makes me work harder to make this work because this is my only chance.i don't want to try again with someone new.
If I married a man I fell head over heels with and happy to spend my life with and it doesn't work,who the heck will it work with?

I will just ask people to pray that I don't live in fornication or I contact Chaircover to sell me some of those her gadgets but as for remarrying and starting this all over with a brand new man?
Never

safarigirl:
I don't even get textbook money....I just photocopy materials and find my seniors who aren't using theirs anymore

Clothing money is out of the question sef, but we dey manage, wetin (wo)man go do?

well.... They are your parents. Try manage what they can provide.

I'm sure it is the best they can do. They probably would do more if they could.

craziebone:
hmmm. ***kisses and hugs***

sorry to have made you avoid me.

safarigirl:
for house, nothing like higher maintenance, you must still defend why you need more money than your bro. We operate a 'gender equality' house

I don't take gifts from men, I'm paranoid about that- highly

There's really nothing to defend. Every child was given money in my house according to their needs Except the basic house rent, school fees and text book monies which were similar.

Clothing and personal maintenance for girls is usually higher so they tried to be fair to every person in the house by giving them according to their needs.

Really has nothing to do with gender equality.
Except the boy wants to braid his hair, wear make up and jewelry, do regular manicure and pedicures,buy sanitary pads,tampons and all the miscellaneous stuff that ends up eating into a girl's pocket little by little then we would be talking gender equality.

It is just a by-your-need care for each child in a way that makes sure non of them lacks anything in order to prove pointless points of gender equality

craziebone:
ori e pe o jare! I was thinking you would just buy into the lies the op is telling. He speaks lies as if people wey dey here never attend uni or boarding house.

My perception of you is begining to change. Next time, i will relate with you more in a civil way even if we disagreed .

Agamaeyesonyou....

Let's see how that goes

safarigirl:
it's not just the son getting more money, it's the daughter having to draft 12 pages of an application letter to get money for petty stuff like hair and all

You may be different, but many girls have to go through unnecessary hassles for 'basic girl stuff'

this wasn't true for me.
My parents believed a girl is higher maintenance than a boy.

And were totally against us taking gifts from men.
Even though we disobeyed sometimes

You don't have to confess to her.
And may not really help your marriage depending on the kind of wife you have.
Confessing to your pastor is enough.
The important thing is that you've made up your mind NEVER to do it again.

The repentance is the what earns you forgiveness in the sight of God even if you don't tell your pastor.
Just confession sort of unburdens the soul.

gunnerman:
I've been faithful to my wife since we got married and I'm also a stern hater of hypocricy.When given the opoortunity to preach in church I always chip in the need for faithfulness in marriages.
Early this year i stumbled on one of my EX's in a seminar.We exchanged numbers and we have being in constant communication since then.I even went to visit her alone after she called and cried to me on phone about the pains she was feeling as a result of a surgery she had to undergo for appendicytis.She didn't hesitate showing me the particular area of her body where she had gone under the knife about three months ago though,a little of the "george bush"were also revealled in the process.In an attempt to show how simpathetic I was,I knelt before her and kissed the affected part and pronounced healing on it.She looked at me,eyes wide opened,jacked me up,locked her lips on mine and before I knew it, we were undressing each other.To cut a long story,I cheated on my wife and I'm feeling guilty.
My wife trusts me and she is a very emmotional person infact,she has had a little heart propblem before.Telling her might cause me smthing I never bargained for.But then,hiding it is tearing me apart.I can't even pray wit her anymore.Should I confess only to my pastor?Do I also owe her a confession since she is the one I effended?How do I get my blissful marriage life back?Please help.

vokalguy:
That looks good!

thanks

Not wanting to go personal but to answer your question. If he's having an affair, As in not even a one time one night stand that he succumbed to but a serious affair with another lady or ladies yes I will seperate from him thank you.

I'm not a hard hearted person that doesn't believe in forgiveness so I can't tell you it is wrong to forgive a person who strays once but is willing to make amends and most importantly recognize that they have hurt,disrespected and mocked your Union.

But when that person sees it as a norm or something he or she does because he can get away with it regardless of how the partner feels about it, then pls walk away.
That's the recipe for a miserable life.
Your self esteem will drop to minus zero if you keep taking it.

As for slap. My dear if he yells at me I'll burst into tears. so don't even go to the extent of slapping because I'll sleep in a homeless shelter that night or wherever I can find until the divorce is through.

nannymcphee:
CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

Misssessay:
We were living together when married... this long distance thing is quite recent :/

You speak allot of sense - I have no family but a few friends already in Nigeria.

Your right even if I didn't I wud still hav to move

Now - my hubby says that in Nigeria it is not typical to share accounts.... :/ and that if there is anything I need he will provide me.... so I guess that's out of the question.

Not exactly the way I'd like things to be - but just trying to save as much as I can before I go

Bold is a good decision.

Let's hope he lives up to his words.
That his excuse is not balanced.
You do what works for your marriage not the norm.
He wants you to make big changes to your life he should be willing to make small changes to accommodate you.


I wish you goodluck. Plenty of it.

This man is just a lousy loud mouth. Disgusting

Misssessay:
Thanks for the responses - just to add we were together before we were married and cohabited for abt a year into our marriage.

Hubby expects me to move - in the wake of 2015 I have been given deadline

Just thinking of the best way to go abt this

do you have your own personal support base (family mostly) that you can fall back on when things are tough?

If you resign your UK job and go to Nigeria, if it doesn't work out, can you successfully go back to the UK and start your life and get back on your feet again?

I'm not asking this because I assume it won't work. I'm asking Because I believe if your answer to these questions are YES, then don't be afraid to make the move.
Even if your answer is NO,you still have to take it as a leap of faith because realistically speaking,it is not wise for the person with the higher income in a family to give it up for unknown waters.

If he's giving you ultimatum,also give him your own conditions.
To make you a temporary accessory to his account so that you won't be stumped begging him for pantie money the first few months (or however long) before you get a job.

It is obvious both of you are used to some measure of independence and are both understandably unwilling to shift ground for the other.

You guys should have agreed on living arrangements before tying the knots.

nannymcphee:
My point is, if things aren't working out or following the norm, don't just jump ship

Fight & slug it out, find out ways to make it work by either changing the situation or managing it without it being at ur detriment, above all patience & perseverance & an understanding of who you are with

So basically even if violence is involved, you advise them to slug it out.
I'm sorry I do not agree with you. I've seen two women I knew die in a violent marriage. I KNEW THEM.
The last one was pretty recent I created a thread for it the morning that it happened with my former moniker just to vent. That was how upset I was that day.

I've read about countless others.

I don't make excuses for violence or advise anyone to take chances. The first time could be the fatal one.
If it isn't, the next one might be. When is it ok to leave? When you've lost a limb or gone blind or in coma for a week? When it is clear the aggressor means business?

Yea yea some people make it out alive. Their tormentor gets tired of beating on them and stops, so they continue on with a life devoid of the beatings and delude themselves that they are happy.

Or if the partner is a serial philanderer,they spend the best years of the marriage crying themselves to sleep everyday,treating STDs and living fear of the mother of all STDs. When the philanderer gets tired of playing around and wasted his/her better years,they come crashing home to an anguished partner who (if they follow your line of thought) believes they've won something.

I believe in sticking together during hard times but not one person is unrepentantly flouting the laws guiding the Union.

MizzD:
The man is highly irresponsible, and this irresponsibility brought this child to the home of the wicked stepmum. How can he start the search of a new wife and step mum for his daughter barely months after his wife developed psychiatric problem? If the daughter just clocked 2, then he started the search for a new wife barely weeks after her delivery! And to think they met on facebook and then got her pregnant at first visit? And then he took his baby from a caretaker he was paying 12k to this heartless stepmum, someone he himself has never lived with. I'm quite sure he stupidly did that to save some bucks. The part that annoyed me most was when he saw blood shots and marks on the little girl and his common sense still did not tell him she was being maltreated in that environment and deserved to be taken away immediately. What an asshole of a father!

This christianah is very heartless and should be locked up.

I was totally speechless about his behavior. Just that woman's wickedness and the child's pitiable conditions over-shadowed my annoyance at his xtupidity .
First time he met someone ever. He had sex without protection. What if she had HIV? Who would stay alive to take care of his baby girl?

Christiana’s friend, Diekola Elizabeth from Eruwa, Oyo State (27), who was also arrested, told Crime Reports that
“I didn’t know about what Christiana did to Lovelyn. I was not a party to it, though I also beat her once when she soiled herself .

So basically they used the girl to practice WWE? Jesu!

she soiled herself again, so I tied her hands and legs, tapered her mouth and threw her inside the room the father paid for, though yet to move in. I padlocked the room and left for my workplace at about 7a.m. I just wanted to punish her.”

Dear Lord. What kind of wickedness is this?

I really didn't get your point.

But it is ok.

nannymcphee:
Good question!! It would have ended bad for my father & us the kids

My point being it worked out for us & for some other it won't.. My point being if you give up just because it doesn't fit the norm, you might loose out

I was dumbfounded when I read about ladies who got infected with HIV by their husbands, these women probably followed the norm & ended up infected but I also believe they would have also done some things to prevent such(like mandatory test or the use of condom)

I know there are exceptions but most times ladies do know when their husbands are cheating but they choose to turn a blind eye, infact before the wedding they always knew but felt they could manage or change him

so if you are married to a cheat, kindly discuss with him & give him conditions such as the tests & conforms etc cos its only God that can make a cheat turn around or a man with strong principles & convictions

No amount of war will make him change, you will end up pushing him out the more, so it pays to knows your spouses inclination before marriage, most men don't hide it, there are statements they make that will give u a hint

nannymcphee:
But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

What if one of them killed the other within the first 10yrs?

Misssessay:
Truthfully - I don't

Have never started a business before.

Although I think it is general consensus from my hubby's fam that I shd resign my role and be with him.

Is there anyone in the house that has done this for the sake of their marriage? What advice would you give? I know it won't be easy.... is there anything I can do now to prepare myself for this transition?

Personally I don't mind Lagos - it's just opportunities are not very forthcoming

Why is it a general consensus from his family? Are they the one deciding for you guys what to do?

I know they are in position to advise you guys and I'm sure their advice will be for you to relocate but ultimately the decision should come from agreement between you and your husband, not pressure from his family.

Did you and him talk about living arrangements before the wedding?

And that's really something to be afraid of. Giving up one's livelihood and comfort zone to move to another place where she's not sure of.

She does had well founded fears. I wonder if they didn't discuss this before marriage.

babyosisi:
Marriage is a choice
That choice comes with sacrifice,sometimes a lot of sacrifice
you cannot be married and live apart
A 3 year marriage and you are in two different continents?
It won't work
Separation cannot be called marriage,maybe there's another name for it?? Separation marriage?,sorry I may not be current
About giving up your income and financial leverage,I ask again,do you want to be married?
If the answer is yes move to Lagos and live with your husband,if the answer is maybe,I don't know,I'm not sure then stay in the UK
But a word of caution,he probably has a woman there anyway
That's the reason he is comfortable with the choice so far and hasn't pressured you to move
Are you even sure he wants you to move
You may disrupt some things,you know
There could be a whole family with kids that may not be comfortable with your return
Do your homework

Nobody really likes to leave their comfort zone and being that most men see themselves as having the upper hand in a relationship,it will be hard to see one that will give up his life to adapt to yours.

If he makes more than you, it makes sense that he's reluctant to give up a lifestyle he's used to for one lower than what he's used to In a Foreign land for that matter.

Hmm tough situation.

Except he can get to transfer. But whatever happens, one of you will have to compromise.

Let this not be a power tussle thing.
Just put your heads together and reach a decision based on what is best for your family

Misssessay:
Hi guys, I really need ur frank advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years on and off long distance. We are both career wise doing very well for ourselves although he's more advanced than I.

Needless to say the spark has fizzled. I love him deeply and am considering leaving my career in the Uk to join him in Lagos.

Plz I need ur advice - given the unemployment situation in Nigeria, is it reasonable to expect me to give up everything - in search for a career/ life in Lagos? ( am not Nigerian)

Ladies who have done this - what is it like giving up ur independence - monthly paycheck - income?

Can't help but think it would be easier for him to join me in the UK - really frustrated - but can't stand the separation

Frank opinions plssssss

NickiRoman:
Hmmmn,Am not in the category to give advice concerning this issue,but let me the attention of those who can.
Babyosisi
Cococandy Hi

Hi you too

Better men than you even trusts their lives to women.
Stronger men than you go to war fronts with female pilots.

Next time you have a medical emergency, if the doctor is a woman,pls reject the help.
How dare she leave her kitchen to come and try save lives.

Your topic alone is very laughable

Joel3:
enough of this gender equality and feminism Talk. am sick and tired of hearing it. If the female think they need same position with the men then let them join the nigeria army and wear the military uniform and head straight to sabisa forest to fight insurgent.


I believe they deserve minor roles, in the society their duty should be taking care of domestic things. Child bearing, cook nice meal for their family and engage in minor jobs. Women shouldn't be made to lead over men. We have seen in some homes the minute the husband fall out from job and the wife shoulder some little bills that home will never remain the same unlike when the husband shouldered everything.


Even in politics some little minor roles should be giving to them..

watching tv today I saw a woman spewing trash for nigeria to elect female president..
laughing in chinese. She said women will bring change in the country if allowed to run the affairs.

I thought for once that we have female as minister of finance and petroleum minister. Also the president of nigeria PEJ according to channels. Since her husband allow her to interfere with politics She has destroyed the PDP structure with hate.

And This happen at a time nigeria had and recorded the most corrupt government in The history of nigeria in these ministries.

What impact these females has done for nigeria since they lead these ministries? question you should ask yourself. Women mostly don't know how to control powers.

With all this At least they should have prove to us that What men can do women can do better. And women meant well for this nation.

Nigeria female president will be the worst mistake nigerians will ever make. Don't even think about it.


Now, well for me I don't fancy women taking lead where I am. also with female pastors or what have you I feel intimidated. if it happens I'm in an air plane and I was told the pilot is a female I will jump out from the plane. Same applys with Bus, tuck, train or whatever on an high way.

Even if a woman is a mechanic 95% of women will not give her their car to repair,
But they won't stop talking of what men can do women can do better.

Kudos girl