₦airaland Forum

Dez80: dis is a different issue from d topic my dear. Add me on facebook (desmond Arikpo - wit d man utd pic) we shld discus widely on dis. Ciao

What is she adding you on FB for?

aisha2: Expect comments like that and dont take it to heart. The only time a woman being abused is "pitied" is when she is dead, while she is alive and trying to leave it is somehow "always her fault"
A spouse man or woman going through abuse should always note:
1. It is not your fault. You married an adult and as adult you both should be able to find non violent ways to handle conflicts, the day one of you starts using violence THE VIOLENT SPOUSE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP
2. YOU CANT SAVE OR CHANGE a violent spouse: some of the violence may come from repressed anger, somemay come from childhood experience as violence was the only way some people learned to solve conflicts, they watched it happen and immediately a conflict starts in their own home they resort to same. Its not your job to save them, its a therapists job, plus their own willingness and probably after the theraphy God intervenes.
3. REMOVE yourself and the kids from the unstable environment: This applies to both genders, dont continue the circle, kids should not grow up seeing violence as a solution to conflict as they would join in and learn
4. Dont turn the house into a boxing zone and your kids to referees. Kids deserve a childhood and not to become fight settlers and referees to their parents. Police found a child at 12 midnight one night roaming in the cold, asked what the child was doing out so late he said he went to wake up the neighbours who usually seperate his parents when they fight but they were asleep so he was trying to walk to an uncles house to wake him up so the parents wont kill each other, problem is the child had probably walked for over an hour and couldnt even retrace the house that night. The Police took him to the station to sleep their, next day they spent over 3 hours before the boy could trace his house and area and the parents didnt even know he was missing, both boxers were busy treating their own wounds to notice that their referee son slept out in the cold. The Officer that handled it is one of those passionate and sane officers, he arrested them and charged them for negliegence yet they were almost boxing and killing each other both at the station and during their hearing in court. When asked why they wouldnt seperate and save themselves the torture the response was "we have children, we dont want them growing up in a 'broken' home" yet the same children you are staying with will grow up with serious emotional scars that will only be healed with help and Gods intervention.
Fighting back to defend yourself may be good but fighting consistently is not worth it, it may save you once but for most violent partners it challenges them more to up their own game, so one day the fight would get bloody as they just want to "win" and someone will end up dead, injured or permenantly defromed.
However, note that No one can decide for you, the final choice is yours, what ever you decide you be ready to live with it
Staying is not easy as in over 80 percent of the cases the violence never stops and in 30 percent oif this violence it leads to death, deformity or injury while the children have a permanent negative orientation.
Leaving is also hard as our judgemental society, You may not get family and friends support, You will be labeled all sorts but you will raise your kids in a healtheir environment

My exact thoughts. The environment is a toxic one for kids

carefreewannabe: Funny, how you support Damiso because she says what you want to hear but how you will try anything to contradict PLENTY of Nigerian women living in NIgeria who say otherwise.
And


Propaganda crap. The people who make the studies are more intelligent than people, like you, who do not even know how to read statistics as we saw some weeks ago. Console yourself with rubbish excuses.



Ridiculous. Of course, and everyone knows it so stop spreading wrong information.



Do I work in Nigeria?

I am not saying what he or anyone wants to hear but my views and opinions shaped by experiences and academic research.I studied Feminism and at the moment also studying a course where I have to study and research equality in the society and my opinion as i keep emphasising is that Feminism is not the magic wand that will make Nigeria Eldorado for women.The civic rights already exist what we need more of is education,education and education

I have no problem at all with anyone who says they are feminists.One of my mentors in university was one and was even the reason I decided to write my research project on the topic.

I just don't feel or know as I asked earlier how people (some who don't live in Nigeria sef) saying 'I am a feminist' are actually going to effect changes to the social, political and economic issues that Nigeria is grappling with.

My first post on this article disagreed with the author on why he had to take personal digs at Adichie for having her own opinions but its sad that we have also now gotten to the point where personal attacks are made on people for having opinions that might not necessarily align with ours.

Am out of the discussion. I thought to attach a picture of my research project just to show that I am just not making assertions but studied the topic at an academic level.

Ordinary speaking English is a barrier in the Nigerian economic social and political sphere and this affects both genders.I do not speak from Afar but as someone who has lived in Nigeria that a drivers son and Dangote's son do not have equal opportunities socially, economically and politically.If we are indeed seeking equality it should be that ALL people have equal opportunities but again even in the west that is unrealistic. Social mobility is at its lowest in fifty years and I have studied this at an academic level.

My paternal grandfather was a carpenter and my paternal grandmother was a pepper seller and due to alot of sacrifices and his prefrence for academics my dad was able to be educated and better his lot in life.He had free education under awolowo went to UI at a veryyyy subsidised rate and was classmates with the children of the then rich and famous


There would be exceptions today but for that feat to be replicated in todays Nigeria would take the Grace of God.Is the education in Greensprings the same as ayetoro pry school where there might not even be windows?Children of the rich in Nigeria dont even sit WAEC and Neco they sit IGCSE's/SATs.So is that an equal playing ground for everyone? Even Britain that is class driven public school children and those attend private sit the Same GCSE's and A levels.


I insist that inequality in Nigeria is multifaceted (all over the world actually ) but in Nigeria more so and as such insisting on feminism being the magic solution is just not being realistic.

But inequality in the north is not just a gender thing. It is as a result of a lesser influence of western education.Alot of children in the north including boys are not educated.I made mention of Almajiris earlier they are often male children.It is more cultural or should I say cultural blended with religion.Some are even being educated in Quranic school and as such might not be educated in the way we are used to but are still being educated somewhat.

If the girlchild is not being educated in the north the boychild too is not.If both are not then there needs to be a concerted effort to improve that for ALL children.

Nigeria(and most of the world actually 1% of the worlds population own combined wealth of 90% of the world's wealth) is a very inequal society like I said earlier and this same north that has women who don't own property also has men don't own property too.

Islam has an underlying principle that believes that Allah makes you rich and if you are not then the rich man has been blessed to bless you . There is no point stresing yourself (I used to be muslim so I know what I am saying).That belief more so means sometimes some people tend not to be aspirational and are not concerened or bothered about improving their lot in life.I was born poor I don't mind dying poor if it is Allah's will.That is less evident in the South even among southern muslims where people (men and women) tend to be more aspirational.

carefreewannabe: I never said it is illegal for women to own land.

The fact that it is "cultural" that a woman is going to her hubby's house and not to their house is the PROBLEM.

But the fact that it is cultural that she is going to her hubby's house does not eventually make the house not her house too or does not mean she cannot also own property if she wants to.

carefreewannabe: No, it means in many cases.
As a matter of fact, men are much more likely to own land in Nigeria than women. Your experience is not representative but if you take your time, you will easily find research on this matter.
Do you own land?

Ok in many cases.But a lot of men also do not own land in Nigeria as well simply because they cannot afford it.Some of this issues are more economic ones . These days you even find joint owned properties(I.e with mr and mrs on the deeds) I own land jointly with my husband and also intend to purchase in my name and that of my children(both male and female).My point was there is no LAW that says women can't own property in Nigeria no LAW and your point about them going to their husband's house is a cultural one.I could live in my husbands house and own my own property which I rent out. So a woman going to her husbands house till she is chased back to daddy does not mean she cannot own property.Women in my great grandmother's generation not to talk of today owned property.

shoefreak: Happy new month everyone. May the goodness there in be yours in multiples. Lots of blessings, happiness and good cheer I decree in your lives.
Ewuro5, where are u hiding?
Lyndaroyce...
Naijababe
Damiso
Edwife
Efemenaxy
Ephe
Apolonius...d eye defect man...
Alutacontinua
Chaircover
Chillisauce
Rebella
Cococandy
Bestie101
Kendraloops

And every other person I no remember to mention ooo.

Thank you Hun and same to you Happy new month everyone

Emerald or happy wedding anniversary in advance

carefreewannabe: What does OFTEN mean in your dictionary?

Often is in most cases.And I am asking because apart from ijebu women and my family I know loads of Nigerian women own property.

carefreewannabe: Good for you, your mum and the rest of you. Just because you and your family do, does not mean others should not, does it?

You said Nigerian women OFTEN do not are ijebu women Nigerian or not?also is there any actual LAW in any Nigerian state or the constitution that says women can't own property.Pls show me I actually do not know that's why I am asking.

carefreewannabe: No, they are not.



Yes, plenty of men take pride in promiscuity. NL is a proof, Nigerian music industry another.



It is what a woman chooses to be her primary role.



Who said they are forbidden?

They just OFTEN do not because they are raised to become sold off as brides one day and to live in their HUSBAND'S house and if they "misbehave" sent back to daddy's house again.

@bolded Sorry to ask this question but is this in ALL Nigerian cultures? I just needed to ask.My mum is ijebu and ijebu women own and have always owned property in large quantities.some of the richest people in yorubaland are women and even roadside buka owners own property.

ihedinobi2: It's hard to disagree with you about the personal attacks. I feel personally that the author could have been more graceful but Chimamanda has been quite insolent herself toward the Nigerian populace and the African man in general so it is really hard to consider her unworthy of the abrasive remarks. Still I think he should have avoided references to her personal life even for the purposes of making sense of her stance.

About equality though... Man is not equal to woman or else they would both be man or woman. Things that are not the same should not be treated the same. The fact that in the absence of one, another might be substituted for uses that the other ordinarily serves does not make them the same. A woman can in some things be used as a man and vice versa but for all that, they have their different primary functions.

Children are better off raised to know these functions and fill them according to their gender. It is not right to make one into both. Everyone should be equipped to fill their primary roles. The secondary abilities we pick up should help us better fill our places in life.

Ihedinobi can I ask what these primary functions are?


Me teaching my son to cook is a skill that I want him to learn like swimming as if push comes to shove he can at least fix HIMSELF something to eat.My husband is a very good cook but I still do most of the cooking but if for some reason I am unable to I know the children will not eat MCdonalds everyday.

Me teaching my daughter to cook and not my son because it Is a girl or woman's 'primary function' is actually not being fair to him.He could eventually never WANT to cook but at least he would know HOW to . My daughter should learn how to fix a light bulb not necessarily cos her husband will not do it but just so she is not helpless if he is unable or not around to do it.Last winter the radiator in our room was not working and hubby was not around(if he was around wetin consain me ) this was like 11pm and I called British gas who could not get an engineer out for another couple of hours.The guy on the phone asked if we had bled the radiator in a while and I said I don't know and he told me how to do it.I actually did it and it worked.My husband could not believe I did it myself.But it really was not that hard.Some women would wait for their husbands.My husband says he knows I can do a lot of things but I pretend not to .Same way I am confident enough to travel and leave him with the kids.

I don't believe teaching children life skills should be gender biased( my opinion).My son will not leave his plates in the sink for his sister cos she is the girl lai lai I won't take it.Wash your plate.Not saying she can't wash his plates but it will not be an entitled assumption due her being the girl.I will tell my daughter to close her legs(it's just being decent) but I will also twist my sons ears if I find him sagging his trousers with half of his boxers in full view(that again is a matter of decency).

I need to ask a question though moving forward.Note I have no problem if you choose to be called feminist but this question needs to address an issue I have always pondered:

A couple of issues have been raised on why we need feminism apart from the right to vote,earn equal pay, right to be educated,right to own property (all of which are now more or less enshrined in the LAW I know the law is not always reality in Nigeria but The law caters to women doing all these).

Issues like shaming of women not being married and them being made to feel inferior(again I have loads of unmarried 30 something year old friends,cousins my own sister is 30 next year and she is definitely not getting married before that birthday and no one oppresses them except annoying comments which is nothing a healthy dose of self esteem cannot fight )things like women not being shamed for being se.xually adventurous,women not made to feel like appendages to men(again healthy dose of self esteem) and some other issues.How exactly is feminism going to achieve abolishing all these issues in Nigeria?

Marches?Change in legislation?associations?NGO's etc?Seriously and I am not being funny here how exactly will feminism solve these issues?The suffraggettes had a goal women want to vote,civil rights movement stop racial segregation(Jim crow laws) how exactly is feminism as a movement going to fight some of these issues in an actual(struggling for the use of a word here) but il use concrete form? Even the gay rights activists had a goal legalise gay marriage(I don't agree with it) but it was a goal.So apart from saying 'I am a feminist' I need to know how exactly all these ills and issues can be fought using feminism.

This would make a very nice script for a nollywood movie.No jokes I think a scriptwriter could bulk it out and it would be a best seller Desmond Elliot playing lead with Uche Jombo playing the estranged wife.

If true, did she actually agree to Marriage marriage o not dating or courting at the very first meeting at the Fast food joint? No observation of his behaviour for someone who left you and you had not seen in almost 20 years? My Dad used to say a leopard never changes his spots but even if we believe in redemption one has to observe for a very long while to see and notice if there is indeed repetance.

;DI know its not funny but I just had to laugh at the responses on this thread

*** uhhm business cap on*** think I should look into getting Ann Summers Franchise in Nigeria(CC no vex o ) seems people like OP make it a very attractive business proposition.

no worry I will personally come to your house to stage an Ann Summers party so you will learn loads

TV @black men hate handcuffs that's in the west naa

Naijababe you wan be my business partner as gbogbo big gals now you go be financier

@OP I love your candour.

ihedinobi2: Considering this reality about doing business, do you consider it cruelty and unfairness for businesses to prefer hiring men?

Ihedinobi why only my post naa I no too understand English o

To be honest I actually can get the sentiment of (not sentiment actually logic) preferring to hire men from a business angle BUT from the angle of someone who might be well suited to do a job despite being a woman I think doing that is a sort of punishment for motherhood which unfortunately falls on the woman as men dont give birth.

Yeah its a hassle but in that talent pool (mothers) are some very experienced well qualified people and immediately disqualifying them is a tad bit unfair.I extolled the virtues of my mums shop assistant who is actually very good at her job and if my mum had actually denied her employment in favour of a man based on the fact that 'she might get pregnant' she might have not been able to get such a hard working loyal employee that she has till date.

ihedinobi2: Personal attacks in argument are poor practice indeed. But not all comments made regarding the person one is opposing are out of place. I think Gonzaga was attempting to profile a typical Nigerian feminist to further his argument about what is wrong with African feminism.

If we got the personal angle out of the way I think that there may be very important lessons to learn from what he said. I also think that it would be easier then to try to refute his argument. But all discussions that appear to touch feminism tend to be emotionally charged so a lot of value is lost in such exchanges, more the pity.

I like Adichie. I like the fact that an African woman is in the spotlights for literature. But I think that her comments require that we examine their source. The extent of a public figure's influence will always require some examination of their person when they start to push at paradigms. It is a common thing. The only difference here is that feminism is a more touchy subject than most.

I like Adichie too.I bought Half Of a Yellow Sun at a such an exorbitant rate at one bookshop in Falomo back then because like you I like to appreciate Africans who are succesful.

As I said the write up had some valid points but the personal attacks and referring to 'class' just kinda spoilt it for me.In otherwords she feels she is 'classless' cos she has opinions that might not necessarily agree with her POV.

That said I just watched the full interview(thank you TV01 for the link) as I always just watched excerpts or heard quotes taken from it.


And so I might have to agree with you that sometimes our experiences shape our perceptions and her experience on not being made class monitor cannot be farther from mine.I think I was class captain (that's what we called it) about 3 times in primary school.I was lead debater in the Literary and Debating society often times was the lead debater (with a boy sometimes supporting) and never once had anyone tell me I could not be because I was a girl.I led tutorial sessions in University with guys joining if they felt it was a course I was stronger in.

That said my experiences should not speak for every Nigerian woman.

The only thing is I fail to see how saying 'I am a feminist' is going to be the key to achieving equality for real.Equality is subjective and like you and someone said I don't think there is any society where EVERYONE is truly equal.I touched on disability earlier if we want to say we want everyone to be equal how come we are not campaigning for the disabled?. Even in the north where we say the girl child is marginalised I think its a poverty issue.Most almajiris are males and this is poverty and lack of education at play.


She touched on too i though i think it starts from the family, my dad would never say"Go and make indomie for your brother" inshort my brother was the specialist indomie maker in our house ( I miss his indomie).Not saying I never cooked for him but that was cos I was cooking for everyone. I switched on the generator, washed my Dads car went to open the shop etc etc.Parents should try their best to raise children (both genders) who are considerate to others, play to their strengths, not generally feel they are better than others due gender, social status etc.I want my son to know how to cook because no skill is waste and as such he can feed himself if push comes to shove.So lets just try to treat others (a core christian principle) how we would want to be treated and the world might be a better place.

pickabeau1: Superlative post!

And this is the sense of balance and realism i will like to see in this debate

Just last week.. i was discussing the 6 months maternal leave and i said endorse it but the issue is economic and not tied to gender

How many companies can afford topay an additional 3 months

Some dont even pay..

Nice points

You are right.Businesses are set up to make up a profit and even in the west the logistics of catering to parental leave just makes doing business a bit harder esp for small businesses who might not have the resources to cushion the temporary loss of an essential human resource.

My mum has shops in Balgun market and her team leader(that's the name I call her longest serving shop girl ) is such a vital part of how the business runs.This girl held the forte while my mum left the business to come help for 3 months when I had my baby.Very trustworthy and lovely girl and my mum relies on her heavily.She is pregnant and due in a couple of weeks and I had to tell my mum off that 8 weeks mat leave was too small and she should extend to 12 weeks after all this years.She said its easy for me to say as I don dey think like oyinbo but the reality is she has to pay her and also get another shop girl that she would have to second to another shop when she gets back despite that other shop not necessarily needing another staff,that's extra overhead but it will be cruel to let her go after 3 months.I told why not look for a temp who is probably looking for admission and she said haa those ones who are looking for admission are too big for shopgirl o haa shopgirl ke how can shopgirl pay for Brazilian hair she said oti ronu bi britico(I am thinking like a Brit).So yeah as much as I say Nigeria needs some legislation regarding labour laws for parents it boils down to affordability.


I studied a module on Equality and Diversity and really we have a looong way to go.Even Britain that has equality and diversity act still has aloooot to do.

Disabled people nko?Tribalism?social and economic inequalities?How many well off Nigerians actually believe that their drivers and houseboys are the same as them or that their children should have equal or almost same opportunities in life as their own children? This equality issue is a multifaceted one in our society and gender equality is just one layer.

pickabeau1: Yes.. some may so for London... but for those used to European way and style.. I think it is highly friendly with all the i stands, maps, booths etc
As time goes on, we will know more of this woman who obviously loves controversy
Did u see the list of characteristics of the finnish society.. what do you think

I saw them and I know alot of people who have lived there say its a cold (not weather) place.I have never been so can't really say much about it as some others studies say Scandinavian countries are the best places to live in the world.


I guess there are pros and cons to everything with all societies best seeking what model will make their society an habitable place for all its citizens.

The feminist movement in the west is now redudant in my opinion as all the causes they are fighting now are just odd.

As for Nigeria what the feminist movement fought as a group or cause (like the civil rights movement) have more or less been achieved e.g. I keep saying it that I grew up in Lagos and grew up surrounded by achieving women. My mum inherited from her father, she made decisions as the first child of the family and her brothers never told her to go and sit down as a woman. I had headgirl and headboy in my secondary school and it was never implied that the headboy wss superior to the headgirl.No exagerration here most of the girls I finished with got even better jobs than the guys.

So I don't think the issue is generally one that can be fought by touting 'I am a feminist' as the issues we have are multifaceted which needs to be dealt with by reorientation and education.

Britain is a largely equal society as I said and still women make up less than 10% of the CEO's of FTSE 100 companies.Its a level playing field as top graduates from Top Universities are often 50% of each gender.What happens at middle management is biology. Does not mean the men are better but women are the ones who give birth and unlike in Nigeria where stay at home mums are demonised , alot of middle class women do take career breaks (also they can afford it sha ) during their child bearing/rearing years (by choice not cos they were coerced or bullied into by their husbands I must add) and as such that kinda has an impact by the time they get back into the workforce.New legislation is helping to balance it out a bit as parental leave can now be split by both partners.

So in otherwords I don't think feminism or lack of equal opportunity is the reason why we don't have an equal no of both genders at the top (again this is not only in Nigeria) its just trying to find a balance between motherhood and professional life.Sometimes I see why highly ambitious career women decide not to have kids till later(if they even do at all).

aisha2: I agree, you talk with grown men and women who have so much surpressed anger because they are very hurt and society says "shut up, its your parents" and we have parents who know they did wrong but feel too proud to admit or apologise to their kids.

I know someone who kept using this bible verse to terrorise her kids, she would beat them like goats and the next day quote this bible verse at devotion threaten them with death if they should complain or even express hurt and pain, one day one of the children took the bible and read this passage of "Parents do not provoke your children to anger" the rage she displayed that day was shocking, yet it was the same words from the same bible, why should it work for her and not for them? Why should she assume she has the liberty to beat them up for every little offence and they shouldnt have the liberty to also seek protection from the bible from her flights of rage?

Its the same thing with Submission and Love. For years Men were pastors and so hammered on submission submission and submission because it worked for them. Now women are saying oya this bible says "Love" unconditionally in return for submission and it is suddenly an issue as if the world will crash.

God is not one sided, if a passage in the bible works for you only because it gives you the right to control and dominate others then you need help.

I believe Nigerians esp those of us who call ourselves people of faith need a reorientation. While I agree that abusive marital relationships are an issue I think its a byproduct of being a very authoritian society.Ask that madam who abuses her house girl its discpline, ask the man who beats his wife its discpline, ask the soldier who slaps okada rider its discpline, ask the oga who shouts at his driver calls him idi.ot its displine.

A person in authority can never be questioned. That is the bane of our society and even though the western model on the other hand allows too many liberties, we as a people need to find a balance.

pickabeau1: I think the reference to adiche is because she has no clue of what a truly equal society will look like

As she was looking for people to lift her bags

Also she feels adiche just wants to sell books by any means necessary

I think that Adichie comment was taken out of context a bit . Obviously I find feminists who believe in Chivalry hypocritical but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she felt no one (men and women) alike offered to help.

Maybe the writer assumed she felt men would swoon in to help but I think Adichie's point was more about an unfriendly environment.People say London is an unfriendly place too (in a largely equal society as well) but people (men and women) would offer to help you if they see you struggling.


I remember my pram carrying days in stations without step free access in cental London esp (everyone is in a hurry in central London )Someone would ALWAYS volunteer to help as they felt it might be a struggle up a long flight of stairs.This seems more to do with milk of human kindness as oppossed to chivalry.

aisha2: Same Bible tells Nigerian parents NO TO UPSET their children to anger but just like "love your wife" is downplayed with "wives submit" so is "dont provoke your children to anger" downplayed with "children obey your parents"
The Bible is balanced let us not make it into some control manual

I agree. I think this writers case is a bit extreme but I believe there has to be some balance with parenting.

One thing that I could not fathom then ( maybe its a yoruba thing though) is that the adult or older person can never be wrong and as such even if the older person or adult is in the wrong the younger person has to apologise first.My dad was a bit more liberal and would aplogise immediately if he found out he was wrong. My mum on the other hand was traditional to the core and even if she overreacted in some cases her apology was always prompted by your apology as parents cant be seen to show weakness by apologising first.Whats weakness in admitting you might be wrong?

I agree children need boundaries, a parent is a parent and not a friend and as such you have to discipline a child when they err. But refusing to apologise first (after something like a false accusation) just shows a child that they can become autocratic as an adult.

Before people jump on my post and say I want kids to rule, children follow examples and if you never apologise as the person in authority you are teaching them that people in authority can get away with anything. Hence the bully husbands, bully housegirl madams, bully teachers, bully policeman we all complain about.

I really would prefer not to get involved in all this feminism/submission debates, but i read the article and I feel the personal attacks on Adichie were not necessary.

While she made some points that could be valid why did she have to tie most of them to vacuums in Adichie's life? The way she kept on and on about Adichie not having 'class' just kinda spoiled it for me (her points could have still been made without the snide remarks) as we are entitled to our opinion.Made it seem like there was some kind of beef she has against the person of Adichie.

That said I also do not believe feminism is the solution to the issues we have in Africa.

shoefreak: ***yawns**

I'm rocking my short hair.... hehehe.... wish I can share..



Hey people!!!! Miss my pranks here o. Time I start again.... I dey come.

I wish I had the courage to cut my own hair.i just fix short weaves when I want that short hair look but I loooove it.Takes about 10 yrs off my age.One old baba cab driver was advising me to please finish my education and stop popping out kids on one of my short hair spotting days I was just laughing.when I told him my age he said I was lying.One day one day sha.

How are you Hun.

Hello everyone.This section don dey taya me small small o.I think I want to port to business section. speaking of which UK(can also ship within europe) ladies check out my online store the link is in my signature(RR no vex woman must chop I still dey contemplate ad ).

Hiya people not been in ageeees..Cleaned up thread and thought to holla


Add on BB 7BBD793B ** pls business enquiries only on BB anything other than busines will result in a blocking thank you *****

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femilicious: Aww that's really lovely of you thanks. She wasn't diagnosed with autism but I would love to hear some of your coping mechanisms. Most of the problems I have with her is due to inability to communicate effectively. Her twin had a much lesser degree of delay but has almost caught up with her peers now.

Just saw this do you think she might need speech therapy? I saw a speech therapist when I thought my son's communication was delayed . turns out he was not that delayed but you have to be veeeeery patient to deal with communicating with her.


You might have to come down to her level and try to phrase words and sentences in a way she might be easily able to grasp.For instance if when she wants water she just points to the tap or goes to the fridge you repeat it back to her " do you want water"? So she will start getting a better grasp of words.I know its tiring but talk to her alooot.Engage her in conversations ask her opinion at the supermarket 'should we get apples or pears' let her answer . The sibling in her case a twin might want to answer for her but call her name and let her be the one to answer.Spend time on books.I read two books to my kids every night and it really helps (hubby no get that kain time na one book and most times the shortest one on the shelf ).Make communication a two way street and with time you will see she will improve. Kids act out when they feel you don't understand them.

I was working full time when my daughter was a toddler so she picked up most of her communication skills away from me in full time nursery but with my son it was a bit more delayed and sincerely it was cos I did not speak to him as much as I needed to.He has really improved though with much help.I know there are cuts in the NHS now but you can speak to your health visitor and they can get you referrals if you feel you need help.

E-hugs and cuddles to you I can sooo feel you.I know how I feel when hubby is working long hours or travelling.Sometimes it feels your head is about to explode esp for those of us who used to be very busy.I can say staying home with a toddler esp 2-3 year olds is one of the most frustrating things ever but you know what they are not going to be this young forever.

I am almost borderline OCD with cleanliness and I love my house sparkling all the time but you know what my 2yr old is beginning to cure me of this.I can't come and kill myself these I just leave the clutter till they go to bed and then tidy up then.Also try to maybe child proof things they scatter after coming downstairs to find the kitchen in a garri hurricane one fine morning no one taught me to put locks on all the bottom kitchen cabinets

Also try to establish an effect firm sleep routine I know its harder in the summer cos of the lighter nights but when they sleep early it gives you some time with yourself and to just breathe.

Also take them out if you can parks, galleries etc If you are in London register on groupon they have loads of offers on cheap days out. Horniman museum, Museum of London, Queen Victoria olympic park in stratford etc are free.Go to the royal festival hall they have a fountain sand pit rides etc.Just let them burn that energy.By the time you get home and fix dinner they are knackered and sleep early.

Join a toddler group with mums whi have kids ofsimilar ages and plan trips together.When they are playing you can watch them from afar and just generally have someone to gist with so you don't get bored.

It is well I know that feeling and we all lose it once in a while but just try to calm down sometimes when you are about to tear your hair out (believe me I know the feeling check out my rants in the funroom ) and remember these ones are a gift.Very soon they won't even come out of their rooms and you will crave for these days. again hugs

aisha2: I know someone whose NEPA credit got finished and she waited for her husband who was working in another town andcomes home twice a month to come back and buy. The marriage was never the same after that as the man felt totally taken for granted, she works oh the excuse was he didnt add that to the allowance he gives her monthly and she had requested earlier so to "punish" him she kept his kids almost 4 days in darkness.

Till today the man keeps making reference to the "little things". He hasnt been able to let go of that incident and he hardly comes home now instead sends for the kids to visit him weekends

Na wa I don't know how people don't even put themselves (not even kids or husband here) but themselves I like my comfort too much to put MYSELF in darkness for 4 days when I have the money just to prove a point What if she was not married won't she pay Nepa bill?

I hear women say if he does not increase feeding money I won't cook. These are people that work and it baffles me.Of course every marriage is different but won't you buy food for yourself if you were not married?

Its different if you are not working and have no income AT ALL or you agreed to probably stay home (as I say if you have to be arguing about feeding money y'all def cant afford one person staying home so find a job or something to earn you money ASAP)to take care of the kids but that you work and earn money (some even earn well) it just baffles me.Different strokes sha all I know is I feel like eating Salmon and I have the money for salmon I will buy salmon. I ain't definitely waiting for my husbands chop money or wrangling to collect my salmon money back.If I can't afford salmon and he gives us money for mackerel we eat mackerel.

May God help us all.

Chillisauce: They will love the circus. It's amazing watching these animals perform. It makes you wonder how long they have been practicing such.

Will look into it..sure looks like fun.I know my son will love it.He loves animals (not taking after his mother )

MRbrownJAY: Sista Damiso
Mike Adenuga can afford a 100M lavish wedding, but he certainly CANNOT afford a lavish wedding that will cost him his entire fortune. this is the issue here...... people spending their whole "fortune" for a lavish ceremony that does NOT upgrade/better their lives in any way whatsoever. some women spend 100s of thousand (if not millions) of Naira in a wedding gown that is going to be worn ONCE, yet have mounting unsettled debts (or dream of setting up their own biz). haba, may God help us all!

Ok o May God help us all.

OP hope you are now speaking to your man.A wedding is just a day and a marriage is( hopefully) for a long while.Marriage should be teamwork of two people coming together to build a life and a home. Remove this mindset of 'God forbid' I can't pay for my wedding. I kinda get what you meant but that mindset will gradually begin to translate to ' I can't use my money for stuff in the house' and when the occassion arises that you have to that mindset allows you to begin to resent your husband because you see him as the one who must provide everything. I know someone who will collect her money back if she buys a lightbulb in the house as she feels its not her 'responsibility' everything is 'I borrowed him' (she works so its not even a matter of no money).I have had to ask her if she would not buy a light bulb that went out if she was not married.

It is well with you.

MRbrownJAY: Good morning
the problem here is NOT my definition of a fancy/fairytale wedding, the problem is people who desire fancy/fairytale wedding ceremonies but yet cant afford it.

here is a clue:
[b]- if you aint got a house to call your own, then you have no business spending the money (equivalent of building a home) into some fancy wedding ceremony.
- if you cant afford a car of your own, and slave every morning on public transport, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you want to spend anything above 2x your overall monthly income on a wedding ceremony, but yet each month you cannot save a minimum of 20-30% of your overall monthly income, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you have no investments, no extra income, no savings yet uncleared debts, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you aint got no emergency fund, nor proper medical insurance, nor money stashed under your bed for hiccups of life etc, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.[/b]



this is one of the problem in Africa, wedding ceremonies today are no more a simple celebration of the union between two people, they are now a display of "supposed happiness"; they are a way to show people that "all is good" even if it aint (the bigger the wedding, the "more good" you seemingly are).

from a very young age, people are taught that marriage is the ultimate goal, especially for women (and they live happily ever after) so, many people want to celebrate their "supposed" life achievement in style, and there is nothing wrong with that so long as you can afford it. there is a clear social/family/religious pressure today to get married, and thats why so many would pay for fancy wedding that they cant afford, just to display to the whole world that they have finally made it, even if they havent.



how can you work around a limited budget when we have women who do NOT want to pay for a fancy wedding (but expect one)? men can never win in life when dating/marrying women with such mindset. such women are only good at killing/destroying a man's dream, lol!



sorry to hear about your father's passing but you are the example of what i was saying earlier....your wedding was NO MORE for you to celebrate your union with your husband, but it also elevated to a status for your parents where PRIDE gets in the way. now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that, if your parents could afford it, it is when people indebt themselves just to achieve that fancy wedding that the problem lay.

We are kuku saying the same thing ( i agree with you and aisha) the only difference is I will not demonise ALL fairytale weddings.If Mike Adenuga wants to spend 100M on his daughters wedding thats his prerogative.

As I said earlier if it was left to myself and hubbys budget and prefrences it would have been 1/5th or 1/8th the size sef
I found the whole planning and organisation so hectic and myself and my mum have never argued as much we did in the runup to my wedding..I am not really a party person and till date I have still not thrown a big birthday bash for either of my kids (not saying that is bad as well) me and hubby just feel we should invest more in their future besides they are preschoolers so I feel OTT parties thrown for under 5's is more for the parents (again my opinion).

People have called me and hubby all sorts and say 'spend this money' like coogar said but Uni fees keep increasing who knows if they will be paying 30k pounds a session by the time they are in University. Besides I just cant be fussed. Kids esp that age just need pictures and memories of a happy childhood which we are trying our best to give them.I know people who have spent over 8k pounds on 1st birthday party who are not necessarily financially better than we are but again diff strokes.


I just don't think it's necessarily an African issue.People have lavish weddings all over the world so its not just 'our' problem.Hubby had an Asian colleague who saved for his wedding for over 6 years .

coogar: why must the cost come out of their partner's wallet. i don't mind if a woman is flashy as long as she's the one maintaining herself. if she wants a 400k bag when i can only give 200k, then she must be ready to chip in the balance by herself.

Why can't she carry 20k bag

aisha2: The key phrase "IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT", let the celebration be equal to your achievements. If you have achieved loads and have assets and dont need to borrow or strain to have a bomb ar-se party then by all means knock yourself out but if it comes down to either an assest or a one day celebration and we choose the one day celebration then we are underachieving and over celebrating.
So after spending all the money that would have been used for a life long house on one day we will start hustling to pay landlord and God knows when with Landlord fees, wedding debts you will raise more funds for the house project.
Like we told our own people when we were ready if you want something big then fund it and right now thats what is happening.

Agreed.I think I also said if it's either or,means you can't afford it.

coogar: why can't we have the best of both worlds? how come the flashy ones rarely have a good head on their shoulders? is it a curse?
it's self-explanatory.....
it means my husband must pay for my fairytale wedding by hook or crook. God forbid a situation where she would be the one to pay for "her own" fantasies. she could contribute a small portion but the burden must rest on the husband's shoulders.

Coogar don come o how does that mean her husband must pay for her 'fairytale' wedding by hook or by crook. Pay is subjective jare.I paid all our wedding registry fees so to me I paid for the most important part the legal bit all those others were feferity


As I said earlier these things are sometimes cultural.I remember some of my Igbo friends were a bit puzzled at my dad paying for our wedding.They could not comprehend it as they felt how can I pay to train my daughter and then now pay for you to marry her.I had to explain that how it's done in yorubaland but the groom or his family can choose to chip in as they deem fit.

I was chief bridesmaid to one of my friends and she had a very low key white wedding which she contrbuted quite a lot to but she and her hubby had to code it like he was the one who spent all the money as it's seen as a sign of not being financially ready for marriage if you cannot afford to fund your wedding without your wife's input.

Coogar all this mouth you are making sef I have read somewhere on this same NL where you said weddings are not meant to skimped on.ehhh so why you come dey vex for this OP.