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All you derailers I will invoke the gods(pity their priest is one of the chief derailers ) oya kiss and make up

I learnt from their marriage that EVERY marriage is unique with unique individuals.My marriage is in a lot of ways very very different from theirs cos I am different from my mum and my dad is different from my husband.We also live in a different location with various factors meaning our life is considerably different from theirs.This does not therefore mean that one is necessarily better than the other as those factors all have their pros and cons.


Having said that I have learnt that from them that spouses are meant to complement each other and work together as a team understanding that we all have our strengths and weaknesses..

Even though I see the dilemma the father is placed in here I actually don't really see the mother wanting to stay close to her mother as being necessarily selfish.Divorce can be a very emotionally draining time for anyone and sometimes a clean break and having supportive family around you helps.

A good compromise might probably have been mum coming over to her city (but then again mum might still be married, working, have her own life etc) so that might not even be possible. I agree though that its not fair for the father to have to work extra hard to see his kid but unfortunately that's one of the fall outs of divorce and life.Like most have said if it was not this life could have happened in other forms (new job opportunities, remarriage, transfer etc) their lives  can't just be on hold. 

The sad reality is that either parent might eventually have to work harder to see the child.Its just what it is.When you are married those decisions are taken together but unfortunately as much as the child's welfare is also paramount the parents still have their own lives to live somewhat now that they are single. The dad too might get a very good job offer hours away someday. Even one half of married couples sometimes have situations that take them away from the family with the other parent having to take on the bulk of parenting for a while.

salsera: @damiso

My take on this is this (bare in mind I'm basing my assumptions on what you have said so far)

Your hubby and other siblings have been passive about the property ALL this while but when they hear she's balling thats when they remember they are all equal children of the same parents.

By no fault of hers she was born in Nigeria and the others had a choice of where to call their legal place of residence.

By default she was left in charge of making decisions with regards to property belonging to all, taking care of property in Nigeria you need all your 5 senses and then some. If its not government asking for Land use charge it is local government then there is tenant wahala, agents going awol.
If everyone had been actively involved on a regular basis in sharing this load she would not have been able to do this.
I'm sure when she sold the property she told herself you guys dont care about it anyway because their inactivity proved that.

This similar scenario played out in my mums family and in the end they regretted it, till date that sibling still takes the larger share because when the properties needed attention in the early years he was the one left to do errand work so as far as he is concerned he's reaping from his hardwork. It taught them all a lesson now they are all actively involved and planning to sell other properties asap

That's another angle which might be how it played out in her head.And so in a way maybe she feels that's her own compensation for not being a dual citizen (the others were born when parents came to study and she was left with grandma) just joking . But truly you have given another insight into the whole matter.thank you


Thank you guys nice to have some other perspectives.

EfemenaXY: I see.

Damiso, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this matter sounds like it's been left too little too late. How long was the estate left in her care for? Three decades?

Apart from the property left to her to oversee on behalf of her younger siblings, did she have any other source of income coming her way? If not, then she does have a point, re: she had to eat and sustain herself (hence the comment about no one bothering to find out how she'd fared all those years...) So if she had and still has nothing apart from that estate as her main source of livelihood, then it might be for the best if you lot just forget about it. Sharing it out will greatly reduce what she has to sustain herself and her family. Not fair, I know. But the fact is, the rest of you are overseas and you aren't dying from hunger, or plying the streets begging.

What she did was wrong though (forging signatures) and is a criminal offence. But nor be Naija we dey talk of? Where anything goes?

And the fact that she's a woman sef...I don't even know what to say!

Yes she has been in charge for decades..And yeah she has been the one taking care of stuff.She actually works but in a govt establishment.I think the others main grouse is they feel if they have given her rein she ought have at least carried them along when she wanted to start selling off seeing as they never asked her for what she did with the rents all along.But you are right they need to just move on from the forgery incident and settle as peacably as possible. To be fair my husband's school fees was actually paid from that estate while in Nigeria so she tried her best at such a young age to handle things.Its just the dodgy aspect that I was a bit disappointed with sha.

Welcome toynex and caesar no vex I dey do amebo

Pls don't mind CC after the tsunami she was overthrown by moi so all registration fees come through me tanks

chaircover: Its a hard one, I must admit.
Is this person willing to share what is left?
You see when people are boxed in a corner, they fight anyhow without caring who gets hurt.
its alwayd good to give people an escape route.
I dont know what has been taken so far and what is left
but you may want to consider drawing a line in the sand and saying take what you have taken, but the rest we have to share and maybe she will be more co-operative.
People like that usually do adie da mi logun nu, ma fo leyin
translate please

If chicken spoil my medicine, I break her egg Yaay i tried


That's why I think they should all meet and let elders mediate rather than all this over the phone hearsay,excuses and counter accusations.
Your suggestion is similar to pickabeau's as well so will suggest to hubby.

pickabeau1: try some win win techniques

An opttion is to discount some of her loot from proceeds of the unsold properties.. that way she does not feel she lost out

Else.. u go hard... you guys set a minimum target.... she will get her come uppance dont worry

That's a good idea actually.i will suggest it to hubby.

chaircover: Me personally I wont fight over naija property . . .Thats just my own take on the matter - I have seen a lot with my koro koro eyes
If its obodo oyibo where there are clear laws and judgements are followed to the T & also within a reasonable time then yes, but i am not prepared to wait 10 years for a judgement in Naija and be going up and down for court ajournments.
Money can bring out the worst in people. Its just too bad.
Dami, we are all different and if your hubby wants to fight for his right, I do understand where he is coming from. The only thing you can do is to support him and make sure that he is safe.
A firend is going through such at the moment. The first boy decided to take everything. He even willed a house to his own children. He has senior sisters o! He willed the house his own mother is living in to his 3 year old daughter. Absolutly crazy. When he drives off the 3rd mainland bridge people will say eeeyaaaaaaa. Not knowing that his cup was full.

When his other siblings ask what's his take he says my wife says I should not fight over property .I tell him jo ma ko ba mi o(Pls don't put me in trouble o) hian what's my own abegi I am just telling you people to not let emotions run high ni He too is kinda torn because he too feels he can't be bothered to face long drawn out battles in court but on the other hand also feels like Lynda said it's allowing a person get away with bad behaviour. also we are talking about his elder sister he grew up with.He was sooo disappointed.

I think they just need to get past feeling cheated(which they were I agree esp the forging signatures part) and try to resolve it all amicably.As i said to him once where are the owners of the property sef today?You cheat people one day it will come back to haunt you.

LyndaRoyce: Damiso, if I were u I would allow him fight for his inheritance because ignoring a situation like this only sprout more similar cases in the future.
If u guys spare that cheater now, later,he's most likely to do other ignorant/innocent souls down.
I think your hubby shouldn't relent in this struggle and set things right(even if it means teaching the evil doer a lesson irrespective of his status in the family); what u need to do is to back him up spiritually and keep counseling him...
Nothing go happen, but yoruba and their jazz eh *mouth sealed*

Lynda not necessarily ignore perse but I just feel the resolution should be as civil as possible if you get what I mean.This is a sibling you know.I know how I feel about my siblings and I was so disappointed because I can't see myself not carrying my siblings along in issues like this(I am also a first child) but I guess humans are different.her children are my children's cousins and I don't want a situation where In The future they will see each other and not even say hi because of passed down bitterness and enmity.

pickabeau1: try mediation then go legal

I agree with mediation.I feel she might not be able to refund some of what she sold so the fair thing might be her not getting out of the proceeds of what's left(which is what people think she might not agree to).

shoefreak: Issues like that Don't expect everyone to come out right and be in the person's face. If it causes squabble, hian!! They'll get over it jo.

Well you start with mediation but how sure are you that he would concur? Some People only understand 'the hard way' ooo.

Some uncles have tried to intervene and she even fought one calling him an hypocrite who never asked after their welfare in the past.Then she came up with another ridiculous story (if I say the story here una go laugh) when asked pointedly by hubby.

naijababe: As in hubby's sibling? Sadly, I will let it go

You see my point a bit.

EfemenaXY: This is freaky stuff Damiso.

Freaky because I know a family that went through exactly what you're talking about here.

Okay, let me be candid. Is the person at the centre of this commotion the eldest son? Was there any will drawn up by the deceased for their kids? (not that it makes any difference because the will can always be contested in court).

If the estate from the property in question is substantial (and from the sound of it, it is), then you lot might be better off going down the legal route. Get lawyers to fight this out in court (but be prepared for a long, drawn out battle which can take anything up to 10 years or more if the either side decides to go for an appeal. I think it starts of with your local courts, then state courts, and then federal / supreme court).

Be prepared to spend an arm and a leg in lawyers' fees, expenses, filing the case in court, and court related documents needed for this. That is nothing, but the stress involved is much. You'll need the heart of a lion for this o! If you're on the losing side, somewhere along the line, be prepared for suggestions of an out-of-court-settlement. This would be drawn up by lawyers at both ends.

But whatever the case may be, if you guys decide to go down the legal route, just be very careful... and make sure it gets settled properly. I can't emphasize this enough. You don't want situations where when you or your family go back home to visit, you'll be target for kidnappers because of the unsettled angst against you lot. Money brings out the worst in people. I'm sure you know that.

I kind of get where your husband is coming from. It can be frustrating to see someone back home cheating you of what is rightfully yours and the family's. Where this person wants to take it all for himself and leave the others with nothing. Who doesn't need money? We all want the best for our kids and investing in their financial future is just one way of helping them. Thing is, most people back home feel anyone in Obodo Oyinbo is rolling in milk and honey, and that the streets are paved with gold. I think what you need is weigh the pro's and con's of this and decide if it will be worth it in the end.

D'you know that this family I mentioned earlier that went through exactly what you've mentioned...they eventually settled out of court, and the sole contester that took them to court, eventually took the lion's share of the property simply because he's the eldest child. But what did he do with it?

He had to sell it all up to settle his lawyers. To cut a long story short, after over a decade of fighting this out, he was no better than he was at the start of it all. Karma is indeed a bítch, Damiso.

That is exactly what I am thinking of how long and drawn out it could be and the nastiness that could indeed ensue.Its a long story but funny enough the person is not male(only one born in Nigeria) and there was no will.So it's more or less been something that was just left to her to manage and oversee as the others were too young and when old enough just left the country.They just kinda never really thought about them and just allowed her free rein(like you said let her be using proceeds from rent etc to organise stuff back home and keep body and soul together)until they discovered recently she actually forged their signatures to SELL OFF(thats their main grouse) some of said property to invest in her 'business' and also get property for herself and hubby.

I also feel karma is a she-dog and she will get what's coming to her and they should forego what's she sold off(as I said sibling things) let them just decide to what they want to do with what's left,maybe also sell off and split proceeds, or appoint an independent estate manager who will manage for a fee and pay proceeds into an estate account.

naijababe: Personally, I would fight for it not because I want to squabble over inheritance but because my parents legacy is being eroded. I'd much rather see the money given to charity than some low-life spending it like my parents did not work hard for it. This kain matter de always vex me

What if the low life is a sibling?

shoefreak: Damsiso@

Why won't he? Naija sha!!!! Chai!!! People get longer throat pass snake own sef! Take the thing to court jor!!! Even if na 50 naira e be nko? Wetin be jazz? To me, jazz is a threat used for people who doesn't know their right or stand. You too do in conjunction with your pastor/imam and spiritually wring the thing comot for him hand na. Chikena.

No be jazz o really but I have just seen how nasty inheritance squabbles turn out ni.My grandfather and his brother did not talk for over 30 years over similar ish.My mum and her step siblings nko? it's just downright nasty.I just feel they should try to resolve it through mediation and get elderly relatives to intervene even if it means they all go down to Nigeria(none of them live in Nigeria) before just going straight to the legal route.Apparently said person keeps avoiding talking about it or brings up one story or the other but now people are saying just take it court straight.

Ok my people I have been ruminating on this and don't want to open a thread.

I don't want go into too much details but it's an issue that is causing a major rift in hubby's family at the moment and I am thinking even though I don't want to get involved my husband listens to my counsel .i have advised hubby to just let go as sometimes fighting for property is just not worth it.Turns out the person in the middle of this brouhaha is now buying properties,living large etc with money that is meant for all the siblings.People are telling me that telling my husband to just forget about it is telling him not to get what is rightfully his and even if I feel we don't need it(we do actually as it's a large sum of money but I just hate fighting and squabbling over inheritance)what of the kids? if we put the money in an account for the kids God knows how much it would be in the future.Now people are beginning to encourage them(hubby&siblings)to take the legal route but I know how ugly this things become.He keeps saying I am the one tying his hands but i just feel God will elevate us and there is no need getting involved in all this family ish.I think I have shared how hubby lost his parents quite early so if he can have made it this far without this inheritance I just feel what's the point?Am I being timid(hubby thinks am scared of jazz and all that )but really it's not that.

I just think it's not worth it and we are ok without it but even my mum thinks I should allow them confront this person as their parents worked hard to acquire these properties.What do you think?oya naijababe,chaircover,Efemenaxy etc come shook mouth.Should i stop telling him to actually go for what is rightfully his especially as they found out that the said person forged his and his brothers signature to sell one of the lands recently.Said properties are in Nigeria.

naijababe: Put the cow in he chute and make sure the hump is big o Don't be sending me any mesoro o if you know what is good for you.

Where da heck is ewuro?

Don't worry I have family members skilled in the art of cow buying

I don't know o guess she needed a break sent her a pm no reply.I hope all is well with her.

The things I am reading on this thread

naijababe: @ Damiso, na only eku ipalemo u go talk, abeg I am waiting for your cheque, abi na your words go buy cow ni ?

this my e-sis I too gbadun you jare.no worry cheque dey come hefty one at that.or should I kuku send the cow straight

EfemenaXY: In order words, they aren't really transgenders - not in the full sense of the word, but just a broke arsed cross-dressing couple.
~ The "father" has still got his brėästs, vägínä, and female reproductive organs. "He" can't afford to go the whole way for constructive surgery to give "him" a (functional?) pėnís and tėstícles, nor can he afford to take male hormonal drugs that will enable "him" to grow a beard, cracked voice and generally, look more like a man.
~ The "mother" has still got her pėnís and tėstícles, a hardened, chiselled face, and for what it's worth, very masculine look. "She" can't afford to have those tools of hers snipped off at the operating table to be replaced with a pair of brėästs, and female hormonal drugs that would make "her" sound and look more feminine.
An obviously confused couple but the man is the more confused one of them both.

Very confused lot I tell ya

chaircover:

Dami I made my first proper bead necklace and just as I was about to put it on my neck the whole thing came apart

I know what I did wrong though; the beads were too heavy for the string

My mistake was trying to make a very beautiful complicated necklace as a first try. I should have started by making a simple bracelet with lighter beads.

So back to the drawing board for me

I will get there. . . .

Aww eeya CC.Its true I hear you start from bracelets or simple straightforward necklaces and then progress from there.You will eventually get there.

Naijababe Eku ipalemo o

Hello everyone how una dey.

Nice to see you around taryour and greatgod.

bukatyne: Can you quote the particular post for reference?

I went through the thread and cannot see such

zaragal: Y wnt dey?...wen its nt their soul responsibility

lilmax: Lazy men everywhere,she nags because its the responsibility of a man to provide for the family

Etc etc

Cant quote more jare.

Key word 'responsibility' .and as such some men too believe chores are the woman's 'responsibility'.Why are such men then crucified esp on NL when some people still have the mindset that providing is the man's 'responsibility'.

Note as my subsequent posts stated I dont share that opinion because I know if I become the sole breadwinner I would be grateful that at least someone CAN still pay the bills and I also know my husband even as a bread winner sees nothing demeaning in doing chores.

BUT I just thought to call out the fact that people who say providing is the man's responsibility should not be then upset when others say chores are the woman's responsibility.

cococandy: He may be 'real' for all you know.
Funny thing is that if you happen by any venue or centre where such programs are in session,people will be littered like ants. With women being 70percent of the congregation.
How do people believe such things?

*sighs* Poverty is rife I know but its just sad.

cococandy: The thing is terrible. I've almost given up on the preaching self esteem thing. Because the more one does,the more it seems as if you don't want others to marry.
The desperation is real. And you see pastors cashing in on the desperation to swindle my beautiful naija sisters.

sow a seed for a husband.

Fast and pray this year shall not pass you bye
Any evil standing in the way of your marrying this year die by fire.

Wear a wedding gown to church next sunday by faith and you'll meet your husband.


See evidence.
I used to wonder if such story billboards/signposts were made up by comedians to make us laugh until me and my SIL one day decided to prank call and find out if it's true. And a real pastor picked up the call to convince us how God has been using him to give sisters husbands.
I couldn't hold my laughter

I guess he realized we were just messing with him when we kept asking him searching questions.

I also used to think those posters were jokes so they are for real..

So that 'Jesus give me my money' poster might be real

EfemenaXY:

OMG!! And you let him get away?? Just like that?

Damiso, that was one BIIIIGGGG fish! Chai!

*** Where is he now though? Still living large on borrowed funds?***



[s]When I say you're so 'old school' like me and CC, you go dey deny am![/s]

Am not old schoool joor I just dey fear. I no wan make we go use school fees money buy designer cloth finish. ;DI like better thing o but my liver can't carry that level of spend above your means we hammer today drink champagne tomorrow we drink pure water I would rather we drink Eva water/juice then we begin dey work towards champagne things

That bobo gist ehn I introduced him to my friend who worked in marketing in a new generation bank back then as per 'big boy' things. Na today see posting He eventually opened an account with them and started asking how far with loan facilities like 2 months after . When she asked him for collateral etc etc he withdrew all his money with them in weeks .She said he used to ask her how I was that me I decided to go and suffer in the UK rather than marry him

chaircover: Dami, a lot of people blame a lot of things on poverty and I mostly disagree. In many cases its just greed and lack of contentment.
Some people just develop a brain malfunction when they start to see £ and $ and Naira notes and refuse to think straight and they put the cart before the horse.
Some people cant even come home during daylight becasue they owe so many people. What kind of life is that?
Its the ladies I feel for, cos they are the one who suffer the more when they end up with an onigbese london/Abuja boy . . .but when they have the oppourtunity many dont run or ask the relevant questions.

lol @brain malfunction You are right there are soo many questions you need to ask but people don't.I hear people say they don't know where their boyfriends/fiance works Like really.I am not saying follow him to work but common.Things come up in conversations.How can a girl not wonder how certain things are paid for? Again not saying you should be forming Colombo but a lot of times there are signs and things don't add up but people ignore it.

Greed and lack of contentment as well.My friend is driving golf ,I must drive a bigger car.Oh wait my boyfriend allows me drive his car yippee . I don't care how the car got there it's sha there for me to drive. Not like my parents were mega rich but I have never been driven by just material things so it was not even a case of not needing those things like I said I did not even have my own car(the poverty argument that most people try to use an excuse).Lagos is such a difficult place to live in without your own car but I preferred hitching rides with my mum, dad ,taking cabs sometimes buses or okada sef than stay with the guy.

chaircover: Hmmmmm Abuja marriage
Borrowed cars, borrowed apartments & fictious contracts, yet owing the woman selling bread N500
IMO it works both ways. Yorubas say eni ti o je gbi o ni ku gbi. The truth though bitter is that some of the women who are conned by these guys and end up married ot them are not totally innocent too
We should also learn to be our own person and be able to beleive in our own judgements. Imagine the posters friends giving her very bad advise, as if they will be the one who will suffer when the mans mental illness finally goes viral.
@poster you dont need any advise. Deep down in you, you know what to do. Dont be a statsitic please.

CC you just hit the nail on the head,lets even forget desperation and people pressuring you to marry some girls LOOVE all the 'big boy ' facade and that facade makes them forget to ask very very pertinent questions esp as marriage is meant to be a lifetime thing.I have actually had a friend say ' I know he does not have any visible means of income but at least he is from a rich family' the guys mum is all these rich alhajas and needless to say that said friend and alhaja have been in a tug of war since the beginning of the marriage.

You want to marry someone you ask questions long and hard questions.I know you can't say I fully ever know another person 100% but most times there are signs and inconsistencies some girls just choose to ignore,With this guy I spoke about he rented an apartment for almost 2 million and I am talking back then. if you see this apartment gosh most girls would have been calculating 'see my matrimonial home' .But bobo would be moaning my rent is due in Aug that deal has not fallen through(no be my own kain money so it's not like he was asking me for money ).

He had two brand new cars I remember a Prado and VW polo(he said I could drive the polo if i wanted) gosh i would have been one of the 'big girls' then driving a brand new car as I was even one of the few amongst of my friends who did not have a car then.We went to all the 'IN' places on the island.He could spend 50 thousand naira in one night and then be broke the next day.He used to say I was overcalcu(me overcalcu ) but I just felt his life was too borrowed and 'keeping up with the joneses'.He fought me when I said must you live in lekki ni seems you can't afford it ( this boda grew up in surulere o but the posher part sha ) there are far cheaper equally nice places on the mainland.He said mainland is not the place to be I said Ok but I know millionaires who live on the mainland naa. He would ignore me or get angryBut we must keep up with the lekki facade.Designer clothes nko?

He was 'nice' 'generous' but I realised I ended up borrowing him my 20k some days for essentials eg fuel in the car (not saying I minded doing that ) but the whole lifestyle was just not for me.I have simpler tastes that is much more slow and steady.i just thought to myself naa I ain't cut out for this kain fake lifestyle.On all indices my husband today would not have been considered a 'big boy' and some of my friends could not understand why I broke up with him especially as his family really really liked me and wanted him to settle down but naa as CC said mi o fe ku gbi ejoor(CC help me translate )

You know what I know people who married men based on all the criteria I listed above without asking deeper questions.He has a nice house,two cars(I can even drive one ),knows people and dresses well got swag, we live in lekki etc etc

The stories on this thread are hilarious

Mind my manners OP most people have said what I would have said..80 calls is def obsessive behaviour. Me I even get irritated when people call me 3 times continously (except in cases of life and death) after the 2nd call send or leave a message mate I am busy I will get back to you. Hubby still sent me a message today " you do know mobile phones means phone you carry about"


If me sef share my business man 'big boy'(I hate that word with a passion) femi otedola and Dangote are my buddies stories laughter go scatter here. This one even had wealthy relatives parents Ok and successful siblings (names very popular on the lagos social and corporate scene) but na God save me make I no enter one chance.I have always hated people with a sense of entitlement so there was only so much" if only my BIL had written that note' I could take or 'I don't know why they cant sell that house and give me the money to invest in my business'.I thought femi otedola was your buddy why do you need your BIL's note? When the lil money you have is to be forming big boy all over VI/Lekki .

He would say "If not that I love you know I hate crossing the 3rd mainland bridge to the mainland" Someone who used all his money to get a place in Lekki cos he can't stand the mainland and kept inferring that I should be happy that he was upgrading me from mainland things


His family really liked me but thank God I did not fall for all that "wifey' nonsense.

naijababe: @ damiso, before nko? No be toilet everything go end, abeg i still dey pay school fees jare

Abi o We no fit con do oku finish dey drink garri
Most times sef the actual people being buried (like my Dad) don't even want all that feferity.My dad believed more in foundations and the likes which is something me and my sister are working hard towards. He was even writing a book before he died so we want to launch the book in his honour in the nearest future.

[quote author=LyndaRoyce]^^^for real?
What if the bereaved cannot afford a cow, won't they bury the dead?[/quote

Dead has already been buried but ijebus or rather most southern muslims have 3 days where you can have a final burial reception (or owambe party more like ) 3 days prayer called ITA , 7 days Fidau Prayer or 41 days prayer.

I was a bit lucky as i had less pressur my Dad died in his 50's the yr I got married so was considered oku ofo (a young death) we had a reception at the 7 day prayer very low key but 1 cow still disappeared . You want to try the amount of food all the iyawo iles (family wives) who came to "mourn" with my mum ate in those 7 days e almost reash one cow.My dad had quite a great network of friends though so myself and my siblings spent next to nothing.(na only me sef my sister was doing Nysc and my bro was still in university).I really appreciate those people .Full page obituary in most national dailies, burial costs etc.They really tried.My mum was in a daze sef so na dat one u go ask for money .

Naijababe it is well jare agbara oloun gbe.Just do what you can afford ojare.

Moca is def Yellowpawpaw she and coogar are from ituku welcome back ypp

Naijababe na my real omo iya So how many cows for the 41 days final burial (I can tease you now )

Happy New Week Everyone