₦airaland Forum

aisha2: Your parents paid for most of your wedding that is different from the posters view on "God forbid I sponsor my own wedding"

When we shout women empowerment it starts from this, working hand in hand with our husbands to achieve a common goal.
I see a man who brought for discussion with his fiancee their future; lets have a big wedding or let us build a home and have a smaller one. HE COULD HAVE DECIDED ON HIS OWN and Informed her seeing its his money and we would have cursed him but he didnt, he came like a partner and asked that they both be responsible for their future.

My and Hubby said when we chose our own, anyone who wants a big wedding should pay for it as we dont have the money.
I was on a flight with someone from Malaysia who had lived in the south south for 20 years farming and selling palm oil, he said the problem with our people is we "underachieve and overcelebrate" that in all his years there his workers would ask for loans for burials and namings and not one to build a small business, they were satisfied with crumbs as long as they could attend endless ceremonies weekends and host their own parties with loans and on credit.

I agree with you on working with our husbands to achieve a common goal.As I shared earlier I even had to put my foot down to my parents when I thought they were embarking on things I knew my husband might not be able to afford and I also contributed my own resources one way or the other.

I however don't necessarily agree that its a 'our people ' problem.Its a universal thing.I also agree that getting loans or taking things on credit for celebrations is foolish cos it means you can't afford it.I used to think we are the only ones but now I know its world over.

Our weddings are childsplay compared to what Asians spend on weddings and they are very shrewd and business oriented people.Oyinbo might not kill cows and block road for burial but I have personally seen where they spent over £5, 000 on flowers. Flowers that will die Jews as well spend alot on weddings and we all know how savvy they are too when it comes to spending. So yeah culture has a big part to play in how we celebrate and I don't necessarily think it's just us.

If you can afford it why not? Some people already have the houses, the investments, the whatever you want to say they could use the money for so if they want to spend on a fancy wedding why not? Wedding industry is actually a job creator in Nigeria and all those photographers, event planners etc might otherwise be unemployed.


As for original poster though I also don't think that God forbid I pay for my wedding is clear to me? What do you mean by God forbid?

Welcome Efee


Kendraloops awwww sorry o.The joys of motherhood eh Expressing is good but also try to use some painkillers as I know how painful it can be . You can also try using a flannel and warm water to massage the area.You will feel better soon.

MRbrownJAY: sista Damiso
you are a wise woman but you are not looking at this issue the proper way......the type of women we have all over the land are ones that think like our sista Efemena_xy.....now look carefully at what she wrote here below:



when women put marriage as such a "do or die" issue, then no wonder men will put all options on the table and ask these "fancy marriage obsessed" women to take a decision.
if i am dating someone that evaluates marriage ceremony (like sista Efe does) then i will certainly know that a fancy marriage is NOT an option, but a NECESSITY to her.

marriage should be about the union of two people that want to spend the rest of their lives together, nothing else. there is no such thing as THE happiest day of your life, each and every day you spend with that person IS the happiest day of your life.

MBJ fancy wedding is subjective naa.By some people's standard my wedding that I felt I tried to cut costs was a fancy wedding but the difference is my family paid or rather contributed a huge chunk to it.My point on spending gazillions is more or less based on affordability.When Chelsea Clinton got married thousands of dollars was spent and it was fairytale like (am guessing her parents also paid for a huge chunk) but will it not be stupid for someone whose parents are not the Clintons to base their own ideas on that?As I said earlier its cultural and sometimes those "fancy weddings' are not even paid for by the couple.

If you are in a position where you have to choose between it means you can't afford both so you both (not shifted to one person) have to work round that limited budget and the sensible thing is to choose a long term investment.

And yes weddings are ONE of the happiest days of your life and in Yoruba culture is even one of the milestones of joy in a parents life (mo sin omo mi ni iyawo meaning I gave my daughter's hand out in marriage).My Dad went overboard and even though I moaned sometimes it was something that gave him joy.He died not too long after so I guess in a way he got to do at least one as he won't be there when my sister gets married.

MRbrownJAY: the man did bring a suggestion......marriage or house. that was the option and he asked his partner for her input in this matter that will impact both their lives. whatever his wife suggest will be EVALUATED like anything should. marriage is not slavery or dictatorship.
the only person who did NOT have an opinion is the lady, the man was "seemingly" ok with either way, and therefore asked his partner to bring her views to the table....which she didnt.

@Damiso
you will be wrong to assume that some women would choose right....i remember a few months ago a lady came to NL because hubby wanted to spend money on building a home instead of fancy wedding, and future wifey was against it because (as she put it) if he died then his family will come and collect the house, and she will have no right over it because it was "his house"....or some BS like that. many people do marry for the wrong reasons, and many women NEED that glitzy glamourous fairytale ceremony, by any means necessary. abi na only today we hear people borrowing huge amount of money (they dont have) for wedding ceremony?! the power of shallow women out alive and well.

Really.. She gave that reason

You are right though humans are different but a person about to get married should know that priorities should be for the future.True about borrowing hubby had an older bros (a guy sef)back then who begged him to please use his credit card to buy a suit for himself and his bestman at Moss Bros back then as he could not spare any cash from what he was taking to Naija for his wedding and he would be giving him the monthly repayments.Trust my hubby and his blunt self he asked him why he could not buy a suit he could afford and it's stupidity to spend what you can't afford on a wedding. so yeah ideals differ.

But as I interjected I think most girls will find it difficult when put in a spot like that to say no lets not a build house lets do wedding.That is a whole new level of shallow.Even if she wants fairytale wedding she suppose front naa.

You also can't really tell how a girl really feels about wedding spending until you get to nitty gritty planning.My wedding gown was $350 and a friend who we got got married at the same time spent $3,000.I was always looking for a way to cut costs as I knew hubby had no parents like me,I even fought my parents cos I felt the halls they wanted were too big and how we would fill them(alas they were filled with like 3/4 people who I did not know or probably last saw me when I was 3 ).

So if he was serious about marriage you both talk about options and what you can both afford.Not 'our marriage is in your hands'

Grayz: My dear it baffles me how some guys here misunderstood the whole issue. Thanks.

You are welcome.Not picking his calls is childish though.Talk to him.tell him this decision is not an either or decision but one you both have to look at and plan for.Definitely the house is a better priority as a house is an investment as opposed to a one day wedding.I don't know your tribe but in some tribes it's even the father of the bride that pays for and determines the size of a wedding(for instance I am Yoruba and based on what myself and hubby spent our wedding would have been one fifth the size na so my papa and mama hijack the whole thing and make am carnival ) so just talk and communicate your feelings to him.

alutacontinua: Efe don tell you say you be old school

I no be old school when did I get married sef I just know now (from experience) that except your father or yourselves(bride and groom) are very rich weddings are not worth spending gazillions on.I paid for my wedding photographer and for that time it was quite a lot of money but when I hear how much people are paying these days on make up artiste alone sef you don't have to follow the crowd and impress people by using Atunbi for photography or Banke Meshida for your make up or Newton and David for your décor.It's not just about names


I have told my sister softly softly on the Bella naija thing o hian We no get papa again o

I actually don't see the need for the question ' our marriage is in your hands' like seriously.He expected her to say ok yes let's do wedding don't build a house'. Even the shallowest of girls (I think) will find it difficult to say let's spend the money meant for building a home on a wedding.

Why not 'babes I have been able to get funding for the house we are going to call our home.Unfortunately that means we might have to cut back or have a not so extravagant wedding what do you think' that is even a more straightforward decisive 'test' as opposed to 'our marriage is in your hands'.


As an aside, Bellanaija weddings on Instagram sure has a lot of flak to take for all this 'fairytale wedding' thingy.This one that people are now spending hundreds of thousands on pre wedding shoot(which wan be pre wedding shoot again naa ) I had a decent wedding photographer but the cost of weddings these days is getting outrageous.

EfemenaXY: Lol! Careful though.
You don't want them to be that independent of you - yet.
How're you coping with the summer holidays? The weather's been lovely and hot of recent. Had a BBQ in the garden on Saturday and Sunday, with madam splashing away in her paddling pool.
Guess what? I think I can even breathe properly again (I think...)

True I hear enjoy these days soon you will be begging them to even sit and talk to you

I loved this weekend's weather not too hot just about right and yeah it seems the pollen count has reduced as my sneezing and itchy eyes have drastically reduced.Even forgot to take my medication today and was ok despite going to the park.

Aww Summer is such a lovely time of year and kids love it.We are going away for some days and Also trying to take the kids to places of interest over the holidays.Been getting some great days out offers on groupon.I will be getting very busy from September so trying to enjoy the time with them if they don't drive me up the wall by then

@Efemenaxy thank God for that

I had to invent a game; the first person who does not say ' mummy'for a long while gets a treat Obviously lil madam won.

Does anyone else feel my pain I wan run comot o 5 year old who is impatient plus 2 yr old who cant understand the concept of taking turns or sharing...

I think my 2 year old is too young but I think I might change my mind on getting him his own tablet . Maybe a cheap one so he can watch his mickey mouse while madam watches her Princess Sophia.

People wey get plenty pikin dey try abeg

You gats to be all kind of cray as a side chic to accuse a married man of cheating

If na me be the wife I go just jejely leave am and all the 'erupt' for you make one cray cray person no come shoot me abeg.Who knows wifey might be next

cococandy: Fear of a ruined body from child bearing
Some women never go back to how they were before pregnancy.
I PRAY I won't be one of them.

And stubborn kids who won't let me have a nap in peace.

@bolded is not negotiable from 0-5 years esp When I want a nap their daddy takes them out.If you are not settling fight you have to explain "why' a million times.

@post Loss of my spouse at a young age maybe.I try to be an optimist and deal with situations as they arise.

No

I can imagine the look on his face if I did

It is annoying living in close quarters with someone who does not speak to you and maybe because I was raised by someone who did not condone it I can get why she might be uncomfortable with it.So I want to believe it is not the "greeting " perse as in "good morning aunty" that is the issue but the cold icy environment. My mum could not stand it if she scolded you last night and you give her icy response the next morning you are in trouble. Same with us and everyone that lived with us.She could not stand it.

Personally I would just ignore you (I am like my father in that way) and pretend you don't exist but we are different people.If it is not a petty reason but the fact that its a strained atmosphere (not everybody lives in a big house) tell her to greet him embarrassingly like cococandy suggested.If he still does not respond I will automatically go into ignore mode and find out from hubby when the visit will end.

Salutation is not love so its better not to go down the petty route with a mannerless individual.

Eid Mubarak to all our muslim brothers and sisters. May all your supplications in the holy month of Ramadan be accepted.

I miss Sallah food chei

Lyndaroyce your prince is such a cutie awwww God bless him

** *runs out of thread before I get broody I don hang boots abeg ****

Chillisauce you get mind oo Me na for tenth row I for dey The circus seems like fun.I should add to our itinerary.This summer holidays are soo expensive joor

Sebi he too now has a Son what goes around comes around.

luvablesam: Marriage isnt an institution that has a 'one rule fits all' kinda policy...Every family has what works for them...If your family would thrive by everyone having a separate room,so be it.If not,stay in a room...

Do what works for you.

WORD.. I like the idea of a private suite, 2bedrooms and a lounge with a connecting door btw the two bedrooms that is never locked complete with a walk in closet and ensuite toilets and bath.That way we sleep in the same room most times but can also retreat into private solitude when needed.

It is said though that newer couples should share a room but like above quote said it is subjective.what works for A might not work for B.

As soon as baby has teeth sorry no more br.east feeding those bites are soooo painful.

baby124: Poverty induced polygamy. If you don't mind sharing husband, at least marry one that is not so impoverished to be fighting over fish. Na wa oooo.

Abi o tim ba ma je opolo ma kuku je eyi to leyin(if I wan chop frog make I kuku chop the one wey get egg)

I am glad the man has been arrested as he deserves to be locked up for a very long while.

Awwww so beautiful.

coogar: it depends on the standard by which you are looking at both sides of it. what do you consider extreme? if they try all nigerian parents in the court of western countries, all of them would go to jail for gross child abuse.




which resilience?
what has that system given us? where's our own einstein or zuckerberg? our system limits us, we cannot even ask questions because our elders are always right even when they are talking bullshyte. our system teaches us to be silent, timid, respectful - kids cannot learn from that.



but you have to agree the western system is too soft & often bothers on stüpidity. are you aware holding a child's hand firmly while crossing the road is child abuse in the UK? some parents got their kids taken from them because they held the kids too firmly........

can you beat that?

Are you having a laugh means I am an abuser then cos my 2 yr old needs a veeeery firm grip when crossing the road.

I really don't see why "truth" had to be peppered with insults and curses.

All these threads meant to stoke gender wars are getting extremely boring and tiresome and I am really starting to think they are intentional.If this is the way this section is going I think another hiatus is due.Gosh. (so need a shaking my head emoticon at the moment)

By the way I don't get how headship=Abuse Because following that logic every head e.g.headteacher, prime minister etc is abusing those they are leading.

coogar: i can argue against both with strong points. nigerian parenting is too extreme & the western parenting is too liberal. the best is to take a bit of both & apply logically.

True and also to study what works best for the child in question.

chaircover: Good Morning everyone.
Hope you are all good and having fun

A big thank you to everyone who reached out to me by PM, emaiil, BB etc & when I didnt come back after the hacking . . .May God remember you all for good.

I wont be as active here as I used to be, but I will be popping in from time to time. Love you all lots

Kisses to you CC

Ypepe ewuro1 hope you are ok

Hi everyone have a great weekend all

Have you ever had a conversation about why she left and never came to look for you guys?like a lot of people have said you need to find out to get some sort of clear view(though based on your post be prepared to be disappointed) on why a mother decided to start whole new life without her kids from a previous relationship.

As for you giving her money,honour your mother and father is not necessarily about giving money alone,it irks me when honour your father and mother is interpreted as meeting material needs only.You have even done a lot by searching for her.Respect her care for her and give her what you can afford to without leaving your immediate family in lack.

Also based on her comments about your husband I think you need to let her know those comments are not acceptable and if she continues keep her at a respectful distance.

Goshhhhh..,I can't believe this is actually a topic of discussion

coogar: this boy will sell you in lagos.
american gini? see his face. there's no guarantee he was born in america sef. what makes you think he didn't emigrate on visa lottery 2 years ago? his cheeks alone tell me had more golden morn as a kid than kellogg's.

Sell who in Lagos Me lai lai He is american

Some things are best not assumed."babes when we get married I want to keep my maiden name" then they discuss it.if it is such a big issue where no one wants to compromise then you go your separate ways.

OmoAlata1: Why are Nigerian men so insecured? what is the big deal about keeping one's maiden name? I am so tired of this nonsense

But women the world over take their husbands names naa? How does this now make Nigerian men in particular insecure? I agree if your name is a brand and all but I don't think it's insecurity.its more something they should have talked about and agreed before marriage.some men don't mind but seems she picked one that does.She should have looked for one who does not mind.that's what courting is for.

It's soo true my daughter's former nursery had some Chinese kids and they could all speak Chinese fluently.i am talking 3 and 4 year olds.


Anyways China is now a super power so speaking mandarin will definitely never be a disadvantage.

This Coogar Ehn ..But this boy is American naa American of Nigerian descent.like David Oyelowo,Chiwetel Ejiofor ,Chuka Ummuna are British.I watched Question Time when Chuka Ummuna was on it and a question was asked about the chibok girls/book haram issue.His answer and demeanour was more like any other regular Brit talking about the issue so in other words he feels he is British first before being Nigerian.


Such a sad story mental illness is such a sad thing.

Nashville: My sister, how you dey? Hope family is aight!

Tony Rapu basically repeated the same message he gave men to the women and he is suddenly a villian. I just wonder why this message has become a big issue.

I dey o and family is very well,thank God for his mercies.hope yours are too?

I went on the #tweetliketonyrapu and it was hilarious That's the thin slope with social media when you say something it's out there and a lot of things are just taken out of context.

Blessedwhite: So where is the lazy word coming From?

Me I don't know o