₦airaland Forum

I think NL admin don't mind though like you said Gender wars promote traffic

pickabeau1: nice one.. apolonius
I wonder what the dude is up to

Apolonius has time to be speaking english 'inductive reasoning' with this kain OP.

Bro apolo save yourself the headache

Blessedwhite: Damiso
you amaze me. I really appreciate the fact you point out. Marriage is not a favour on each other part . It's a burden you choose to share and be part of .






Damiso kudos to You

Thank you..that's just my point of view(it should not necessarily be everybody's though)

I dont see me stepping in to pay stuff for my family as me 'helping' my husband as its my house too abi.I want to earn so I can relieve the burden on him so we can TOGETHER build a home.He also does not see him bathing the kids or giving them dinner or loading the washing machine if I have to quickly go out as 'helping' its just what he needs to do as they are his kids too.

Blessedwhite: Hmmm
what abt if the man is doin the house chores and the wife still see him as shit and a total nuisance and rain abuses on him without any reason.

As I said that's human nature and she is just playing out the mindset alot of women on NL tend to deny.Not saying we are all like that but really most of us actually tie respect to finance. Its just the reality and no matter how liberal or progressive people tend to want to portray that they are Nigerian women will find it difficult to respect a NO earning (note I used NO not Lower) husband.

Its just how are we conditioned heck most Nigerian men don't even respect no earning wives sef.You hear terms like 'what does she know sef other than to be spending my money" " that one just leave her does she know how hard money is to find". Doing chores or taking care of the homefront is just generally a thankless job and its just our mindset.

People riducule Stay at home mums not to talk of stay at home dads so no matter how much people say people should play to their strengths the reality is we as a people find it difficult to respect anyone not earning.

Even some parents tend to respect higher earning children Its just how we are.

Blessedwhite: pls share what is on your mind because it can save a family tomorrow

It's just human nature to complain or feel pained when you have sooo much stress or responsibilities on your shoulders.Its up to the spouse to choose to help relieve the stress and that's why these days women even want to contribute to the family purse so as not to make the pressure overwhelming on their spouses.

Why I said I will not talk is that on this thread I am baffled that people could say breadwinning is not naturally the woman's terrain she is just helping him and is not her role and then in other breadth say men have absolutely no right to complain when asked to help with the chores even if they pay 100% of the bills I am just a bit baffled ni.I though there was now no such thing as gender roles and chores are not the woman's role so why should breadwinning be seen as she 'helping' him when him doing chores is not seen as him 'helping' her?

Won tunde o ( dem don come o)

Phewwwwwww.it really is getting tiresome

bukatyne: I think there are real issues but not as magnified as we have on NL. The same applies to Yoruba & Ibo interactions. The bias is there but people try to act civilized because there is a name to the face.
NL gives the anonymousity needed for people to showcase their hate and prejudice.

True sha you have a point...the bias and prejudice is amplified due to anonymity. Thats Life sha if only..

Even the Good book says the heart of man is desperately wicked so I guess Hate will always be in the world.

pickabeau1: The struggle is real
This battle of the sexes... who will win
posted something on raluchuks,,,

I don't even know why there is a battle in the first place sef but dat na me sha all these gender wars get as e be ojare.i love me my men my naija men at that sef my husband,my son,my father,my brother,my cousins,my Inlaws,friends etc etc All these naija men or naija women are this generalisations esp on NL is just tiresome.I wonder what category people will put their mothers,wives,sisters,cousins ,brothers,fathers,uncles etc if everything had to be judged along gender lines.

Hilarious comments..

I don't get the outrage though

That my husband and overcalcu Ijebu man to the core I have never ever found even coins in his pockets the guy does everything cashless if you find more than £20 on him at any one time say hallelujah.To dash you money sef na send me your account no SMH at ijebuness

Unlike my dad back then we all used to rush sorting his clothes for the washman.You must sha find something in those agbada pockets.

Make I no talk

Nice points both for the women and the men...nice to see points given for BOTH parties and not just one party.

Nashville hello nice to see you around.

edwife: Nooo,sister Sarah is in good hand,no time to follow follow and by the way she is pregnant.

Woow coogar no waste time at all hope he paid you a hefty commission sha

pickabeau1: Well.. even without death penalty.. the sentences are too lenient

You are right they are too lenient.And then sometimes they go overboard.A drink driver who hurt someone might get a 2 year suspended sentence and just to prove a point someone makes a "hate" statement on twitter and gets 5 years Not saying hate statements on twitter are justifiable but common how does actual GBH due to a DUI get a lesser sentence than an online rant?

pickabeau1: Too many lenient sentences especially for drinking drivers..
Some go behind for 10 years and its half year equivalent to a year

I am really not a huge fan of the Death Penalty BUT UK judges can be so annoying, I know Justice is not necessarily vengeance but 20 years (and like you said He might be out in 10) does not seem like justice to me.According to the notes at the end of the programme he was originally given 15 years sef and 5 years was added on appeal based on the severity of the attack.

chubbyzegna: Jessybarbie I'm sorry to have to do this but they'll not be able to judge right if they don't have all the vital facts, so I'll give it to them and try all my best to be unbiased about it.
Now people, I was there when the slap happened and I'm friend's with the couple, I've witnessed their arguments, I was there when their love started so I know everything, I'll update as fast as I can.

Interesting Alutacontinua I need a sofabed (I don't do mats)

hispinkolo: Murdered by my boyfriend is the title
Chills running down my spine!

Chills ran down my spine too..Such a sad story
And the psycho only got 20 years in Prison after whacking someone to death with an ironing board in front of their 3 year old child If indeed it was a true life story I shake my head for the British Justice System.He deserves at the very least life with no possibility of parole.

Watching a real life drama on domestic violence on the BBC and it shows so many traits that need to be picked on that I touched on earlier Some people are just psychos.

you know what I think I will backtrack on my intial post...its mostly starts with one slap .Relationship sure needs reassesment.

bukatyne: @OP:

Had to reread after reading all the comments

Me thinks that the bobo would have beaten you to a pulp if he is an abuser (but again, I do not have the manual of all abusers)

Him begging after you retaliated means he was shocked to his sense and remorseful OR he did not know you have in you (Peak milk things) and his brain went to default settings though I am more inclined to go with the former

I will say you givr him another chance and see how it does. He might truly be repentant.

You should also discuss with an unbiased adult and let him/her advise both of you together

God be with you

These are my exact thoughts...

I would also say are there other red flags I.e controlling manipulative tendencies, emotional blackmail,quick to temper, attitudes towards others esp those less in stature or position etc.I would have said RUN but you retaliating with violence kinda means you both need anger management.Self defence could have stopped at you also giving one slap back impulsively but you doing more was more a retaliatory action.

In all search yourself deeply to see if prior to this there have been red flags that culminated in that slap.

r231: Happy Sunday guys.!!

How did you know sister Ruth is not a virgin eh edwife come o is this Coogar's sis Ruth ? R231 you sef dey waka

Aluta and Apolonius una no dey sleep ni and yeah where is ewuro1.

Hello everyone..I know I said i wont complain but this humidity na waya

EfemenaXY: Agreed. I did give allowance for those that defy the norm. As per deal breakers, lets not even go there.

What I can say is that many Naija men will accept @op's scenario 2 and even more if Green Papers are at stake for them.

Don't you just love the West?

Efe you no good

gohome: Feminism.

A dirty word in some circles. When I hear the word, I think of fiery black women with dreadlocks or white women in badly fitting suits. Don’t ask me where these images come from; I don’t know. I do want to know: what’s all the fuss about?

I am a Nigerian woman. I am educated. I hold a job that pays me the same as my male colleagues. I voted in the last election. I can drive. I can own property… Now that I think about it, what exactly does being female forbid me from?

I can’t be out by myself late at night. Common sense. I could be robbed and/or raped. But that isn’t feminism’s war. That’s a function of security. A guy would be vulnerable too. Well, being female puts you at a disadvantage in the corporate world, some say. You can’t be a top-level executive. And they have stats to prove it. I’ll get back to that in a bit.

There are societal norms about how I should interact in society as a woman. But I think that those norms are shaped by the family I grew up in. I was told I was intelligent. Not relative to a boy. Intelligent in my right. The world was my oyster, the sky my limit, my life was charmed. My future was placed before me in pragmatic terms. I could be a career woman like my mother, keep a store close to home like both my grandmothers or be a housewife like many of my cousins. Each was a valid option and growing up, I was exposed to the pros and cons of each.

And this is the thing. A woman should have choices. We may not always agree with those choices (to stay with an abusive husband, to never marry, to take up a job, to become a housewife, to drop out of school) but they’re hers.

I was taught to respect men, to honour the man I would eventually marry. I like to think that my future husband was taught to respect women, like my brother was taught, like my sons will be. But I was also taught to pay for my drink. To be content with what I had. To earn my money without selling my dignity.

Society didn’t teach me this. Family did.

Yesterday, I took a male friend out to dinner. I called the waitress over. I requested the menu. I ordered. And when we were done, I requested the bill. When she got to our table, the waitress made to give it to him. I stretched out my hand to take it. She ignored me, and still pushed it to him. He smiled and handed it to me. The look on her face as I counted out the money from my wallet was priceless. Was I offended? No. Amused, more like. And frankly, I considered it too small to hold a grudge. I don’t blame society, I understand that it’s a function of her family and upbringing.

And then, there are bars/restaurants/clubs who refuse entry to unaccompanied women. On one hand, I find it amusing that a public establishment would seek to make moral choices for its patrons. On the other hand, I would boycott such an establishment. If you don’t want my custom, why would I force it on you? My own money? But I also think that this is a petty battle, and one I wouldn’t waste effort on.

What battles would I be interested in? Poverty alleviation. I hear of families that send only their sons to school because they think their daughters could do no better than to marry well. But often, these families can’t afford to send everyone and so they have to make a choice the best they know how. But what if they could afford to send them both? Would they still refuse? I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. And so our battle should be getting them across the poverty line. I know a mother who runs a small kiosk to support her family. Getting a bank loan to expand her business would be difficult. But that’s not because she’s female. Her husband is a vulcanizer (Nigerian term for a person who fixes tyres), and I daresay getting a loan would be difficult for him as well. It’s not really a gender problem, but one of class distinction.

Gender equality battles aren’t complete if we don’t fight for men’s rights, as well. Does this sound odd?

Back to the corporate arena. I overheard female colleagues complain that we aren’t well represented in our company’s leadership. They insist that D & I should be brought to bear. I differ. Leadership should be given to the most capable, not shared between the genders. If I want to be manager (as a male or a female), I have to work harder and longer than my peers to develop the right competencies faster. That’s easier when I’m unencumbered by family commitments. However, if after getting those competencies, I was turned down and the job given to a less competent male, then I would cry foul.

If I have a family, it gets harder. Some jobs are inherently incompatible with raising a family. With a family, I simply will not have enough time to develop those competencies faster than my peers. As a parent, I have a responsibility to raise my child. I can’t balance this with working long hours unless I have a very supportive husband. Let’s say he supports me 100% and he’s willing to take responsibility for our child. If he’s a house-husband, this is easy. But house-husbands aren’t common. Men have not been wired by their families to be house-husbands. So he has a job. Will his job let him close at 3.30 to pick our child from school? Will his job allow him take the afternoon off to take our child to hospital? Or his school’s soccer game? No. Women get those breaks in some companies, men hardly ever. And so this is what I think should be feminism’s cause. Flexible working hours for both sexes, so that each spouse can choose to support the other. Not just women, but men too. My husband should get paternity leave as long as mine so that if I choose to return to work a week postpartum, he can stay home to care for our infant. Amen?

There is the aside that even with these perks, some men would not support their wives’ ambitions. A shame, but that’s all it is. Society (or a movement) cannot force a man to support his wife, it’s a personal choice. The same way it’s a wife’s personal choice to support her husband.

But don’t hand me a promotion because it’s the politically correct thing to do. It’s an insult to my intelligence, and tells me I wouldn’t have been good enough otherwise.

Well said..

EfemenaXY: Again, your examples only serve to prove the point I'm making.

Give me an example of where whilst married, and without kids, the man brings in his child from outside for the woman to raise. Or better still, the woman does so to the man, without his prior knowledge.

Don't have any real life example of that perse but I guess the Original post is a conjecture.I don't really disagree with you all I am saying is that we should not say for FACT or make OUR disapproval a standard for those who might say they can actually do it.

Even though it might be a minority there are men who forgive cheating wives.I am not so sure about the scenarios painted by the Original poster though.like I said deal breakers vary.Most men wont and they have a right not to same as a woman has a right not to but there are those who will.

The examples I gave are also not the norm and if those scenarios were presented in a thread most people would also say "never I can never accept it "but it just goes to show that we all deal with issues differently.

EfemenaXY: But you are old school.

Very Old School sef...

I guess I must be

EfemenaXY: Like I said, there are always exceptions to the norm and this story of yours doesn't exactly tally in with @Op's example, does it? We're talking about situations where neither the man nor the wife have got kids together, then the man brings in his child from the outside for his relatively new wife to look after, bearing in mind that the wife is yet to have her own kids.

Your example is of an already established union (with kids), where the love child in question is the last and a girl for that matter. Do you honestly think your average Nigerian wife will take kindly to a man bringing in his outside child (say a boy for example), who happens to be his first child? Would the wife not be concerned about customary laws and traditions that can easily give the fruits of their labour, EVERYTHING they've both worked for to this child upon the man's demise, as per being the oldest son? Thereby side-stepping any kids she has?

Please let's be realistic here.

New wife. No kids. Man brings in child (boy?) from lover.

And the woman will forgive just like that and play happy families? Abeg talk another thing.

The question is can you and I don't think I can and seems you and a lot of other posters too.But we definitely can't say another can't can we?My point was we are different and deal breakers vary.

Most men find it difficult raising other men's children but again I know a family where if they did not tell you you would never know the first child(a boy) is not the husbands biological child.The wife got pregnant,boyfriend denied the pregnancy, she met him while she was about 7 months pregnant they got married when the baby was about 2 years old and the child in question is now 16 and he has been an excellent father to the child.I kid you not you would never ever know if you were not told.

EfemenaXY: Of course there are always exceptions to the norm - so for every instance such as the example you've given, how many other households do the exact opposite?
Your post still doesn't address the points I made about letting the men face the music for their actions. Women are made to feel the whiplash even for just "thinking" along those lines, not to mention actually having the boldness to bring in a child outside of their marriage. And the responses I've read so far only prove that women encourage the men to eat their cake and have it, as the worst thing that'll ever happen to the men is a slap on the wrist, so to speak.
Re: the bolded part of your post just makes that scenario all the more ludicrous. I know for a fact that many embittered women turn these so called "love children" into domestic helps (housegirls / houseboys) so the idea of such a child attending private schooling while the madam's own flesh and blood attend your local Boji-Boji primary / secondary school is .... I'm sorry to say, far-fetched.

Efe it is not a story.As I said it happened in a family I am very very close to.The wife's children are far older(I don't want to go into specifics as I don't want it to seem like I am spilling another family's secrets) so all the kids were in university when the child started living with them.The older kids went to relatively good state schools back then and so she went to private school because the other children were older and able to even help with her fees sometimes.

As I said i just stated this example as I personally know a family where this happened and the child was not maltreated.i guess the dynamics were a bit different as the girls mother died and started living with them when it seemed her mums relatives could not take care of her adequately.I guess wifey might not have been that magnanimous if the mother was still alive who knows.The wife and older kids obviously felt betrayed but with time they began to see her as their sister and felt if they could take in other people(this person is very accommodating and has had loads of people live with them.i have even benefitted even from her generosity in this uk just by association when members of my own family disappointed me but that one is long story) why not their dad's blood since she had no other person in this world to look after her.what even impressed me further is the care continued even after their dad died so it was not even a matter of oh they were just being nice because the father was around.

I know it is not the norm but I stated it cos I wanted to say it's not in all cases the women are actually enslaving the children.I am not saying men should eat their cake and have it as you can see I said I am not too sure I could do the same.But we are different what is a no no for you might not be for me.

beeevan: The last thing i will buy from anyone is Ashebi, i gave mine for free.

wow you must be very rich babes.Like how many did you give out?

I sold mine but made it very affordable and as soon as I sold the number I was comfortable with I told people to wear what they wanted (to my mother's dismay )..Looking back now sef was just too much hasssle.I also did not take it personal for those people who decided not to buy the way some people seem to.

It's an individual thing jare and not really something one should guilt people into doing.I don't get why people take it badly especially when you tell them you have something similar .God knows how much I spent on aso ebi in the past.No more except I am very close to you. I have children to plan for these days.

Must she be stripped naked? Can't the so called 'sugar daddy' report her to the police for theft? We sha like jungle justice. I never could stand all those beating thieves caught in the market place (not condoning stealing) but what kind of people throw a tyre on another person and light a match? Na wa.

alutacontinua: I don't know what you're talking about

You don't know ok o

Which wan be all dis aliens vs humans wey una don turn fun room too ehn What happened to good ole straightforward toasting I must be very old school.

Hello everyone. .

naijababe: AW: Carefree and can come across as uncaring

AS: Mentally strong and unassuming.

Tag: Damiso, Ewuro, fredoooo

AW: Too willing to play devils advocate, procrastinator extraordinaire

AS: Very Forgiving, Unassuming (dont take myself too seriously)

Tag: Efemenaxy,Taryour

Efe I actually know of a real life instance where this happened but the mother of the child died.The wife accepted the child and is raising her like her own (no jokes this is a family I am very very close to) so no wicked stepmother things.In short the girl is overspoilt self as the older siblings are all pretty comfortable. To make matters even a bits more complicated the husband or father of the child died a couple of years after the child started living with the family so she is technically an orphan.You can never know that this child is not hers as the kids looked like their dad so she looks like them.

We are all different and I sincerely don't know if I could do it but that mummy O(like I call her) really challenged me as her reasons are based on her faith.The girl is even going to private school that the mummy's own children did not go to.

TV01: Hygenic? who cares?
As soon as I spot anything "bubbling" around his nostrils, I vacuum it up like "dyson". Hot or cold, watery, soft or hard.
My boy is used to it. As soon as he sees me lean forward with pursed lips he knows it aint "kissy kissy" time.
He immediately closes his eyes, clenches his fists and instinctively opens his mouth. I don't stop till he starts gasping for breath.
It typically happens when I bathe him in the morning or evening, so straight down the plughole - but I'll "act on sight".
I once did it during his weekly swimming lesson. Come see whooping and cheering (if de bogey enter water, these oyinbos go abandon class 0!). My man is used to it now, oft times he'll just tug my shirt and say "daddy suck nose" !
Salt content varies, but can be a great health indicator.
While mummy is looking for "wipe", daddy is doing like "Action Jackson"
Awesome for bonding.
Dem suppose hashtag am sef!
TV

Eeeew Hubby is the one who does it as well.I no even know where the suction thing i bought from Boots is sef cos the man go just suck am.My mum would say so what if he travels? So you will watch your child struggle to breath.My answer is that is what suction and Eucalyptus oil plus wipes is for.*shudders* eew again.

That is why we are a team where I am weak, He is strong

TV I thought you would be to "posh" for this. ;DMy husband na ibadan boy so its understandable dem sabi all those 'locy' things

@rebella that is so sad Gosh

I think child car seats should be enforced with hefty fines like 100k if you are caught without one.Same way seat belts were enforced In Lagos.Nigerians tend to react better to draconian laws.