₦airaland Forum

HitmanAgent47:
no but i do play lotto job with my sister to survive

What does this mean? You gamble to survive? Where d'you get the money from to gamble with?

@op a couple of questions:

1. How much exactly do you need for your school fees?

2. If you get the help you need today, how do you plan to fund the remaining years of your course?

3. If your relatives as you say aren't able to assist you financially, who then looks after your younger siblings?

The suitcase is a cake too?

Wow! Good stuff.

^^ Lol @ "Retired Troublemaker"

Happy Birthday madam DYT. The lady who always sees things from another angle...

Photoshop stuff

Sagamu, Sagamite. Miss the dude. Where is he anyway?

thorpido:
Lagos really can be exhausting but it's where i live.

@EfemenaXY,can one move to the UK to cut costs?It seems like it's cheaper here in Nigeria than in the UK.

That's what I would have thought but reading opinions about how relocating the family to the states works out cheaper for some Nigerians living in Lagos got me wondering. Afterall, unlike the US, we've got free health care but free state schools too.

The dude's face though. I wonder what he'll look like when he's truly angry.

Happy married life to them both sha.

This thread apart from being an eye opener, is such an interesting read with knowledgeable contributors.

Na wa for Lagos hustle - playground for the super rich.

Pls you lot should include the UK too. What's the mindset of Nigerians wanting to / actually relocating to the UK to cut costs?

Mindfulness:
Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower. (Author unknown)

Lol!

You really should consider a change of career. Nland scalp collector!

Evening babes

Askseek and Onegai, these are really sad stories but I still don't empathise with the run away fathers. They brought it all on themselves. A child is a child irrespective of the circumstances surrounding their birth.

I can but imagine the hate the abandoned kids feel towards their once upon a time "I-don't-care" fathers, having to grow up with the knowledge that they were never wanted. Once that childlike innocence and easy going forgiving spirit is gone, what's left is a deeply hardened heart, be it male or female.

Askseek - that story of yours about the girl child losing her mum at six, and being passed from pillar to post with minimal education from relatives...ah! That sent shivers down my spine.

Consenting adults willing to have sex should learn to put a raincoat on it. How much is effective birth control compared to a lifetime of sorrow generated from easily avoidable mistakes?

People should open their eyes and ears and learn from others' costly mistakes.

Mindfulness:
So she is too conservative to make love to her husband in a hotel room but she is not conservative enough to spare her mother and children the sounds of her moaning and groaning?

dukeprince50:
hello guys, I'll be 23 this month 30th, I'm a student and my parents train me in school, despite school fees and other related thing, I do not disturb them, they send me money whenever they want to send me, I have never ask them to send me, but they send me monthly though. just yesterday I overheard a girl who left her parents house at the age of 14yrs (cos she got pregnant and left her house), that I should be ashamed of myself I'm still under my parents. she should be around 27 now, even though shes not under her parents, she is not training her two kids from two different dads, her mother is training one while the mother to the father of the second one is training the second child. I wanted to reply her but I decided not to as it may cause problem in the house since her mom is a friend to my mom, my question is is it bad I'm still under them as a student of 23yrs?? should I confront her??

I'm sorry but I don't quite buy your version of events.

The average Nigerian is incredibly judgemental of those whose lives deviate from the "norm" whatever that is, and also find it difficult to mind their own business.

It's not your place to judge how she's lived her life. Unless you've lived with her day in and day out, you don't know what the true circumstances of her situation are. You judge her because she got pregnant at 14. Did she get herself pregnant on her own? How do you know she wasn't taken advantage of by someone older who ought to have known better? Was she sent to live as a maid / house girl to someone and was taken advantage of? Was she ràpèd? What sort of upbringing did she have as a child? Were her parents actively involved? Or not? Was she left to her devices at such a tender and impressionable age to fend for herself? The questions are endless...If any of the above are applicable, then you wonder why she indirectly lashed at you?

If you'd been keeping to yourself like you ought to have done in the first place, why would this lady decide to talk about you out of the blues, unprovoked?

Can you honestly, hand on heart say you didn't start this? Probably from some careless remark from you to someone about her, which she eventually got wind of?

You know the saying: "He who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones..."

Onegai is very much on point here.

The problem with most thread starters is they post half-truths / incomplete stories just to ramp up blind rage from readers. The title of the thread is deliberately misleading too.

Once again, it's about asking one's self: what is the thread starter really trying to achieve here? and applying logic before jumping to conclusions.

Kudos, Onegai.

Both are equally important. The key thing is striking a balance between them.

CynthiaI1:


Sweet dreams ni! bitter dreams ko!
You, wey last did u check up on me?
Shey be u no see my email add for my profile
Anyways, I did miss u and it's good to see at least 3 out of so many of our crews back in d day
So wadup with u?
Gotten a Mrs. Airforce or abt to?

[s]By d way, I thot u used to say u were never jealous. Wetin come happen nah?
Just few years off NL and u begin do mistakes out of jealousy?[/s]

U go come receive ur lashes for being a naughty boi to my gal!

No offense Cynthia, but I'd rather you drop this, thanks.

Airforce1: No need responding to that.

natasha:
Is his wife Babztemmy?

Seems so.

Just seen that your wife actually created not just one thread but several complaining about you, your mother, and everything under the sun.

I suggest you go read through her threads, then take yourselves to qualified marriage counsellors otherwise the non-stop blame game continues with no resolution.

Nland will not solve your problems. Get communicating with your wife and you both should make compromises. Endeavour to meet each other half way. Keep pride aside and you both should make sacrifices for the betterment of your union.

Mindfulness:
Self-control does not sound like fun, does it?



Happiness - in this context - is closely linked to or the result of motivation, inspiration and, at best, of the SUPREME feeling called enthusiasm.

How I love this word.

Cc: EfemenaXY

Lol! Morning to you to dear.

sanelynutz:
Dear Nairalanders,
I am so frustrated now that the wife I married is not what I expect her to be, we share totally different values and reasoning. As regards this terrible differences, I resorted to creating this thread, because am not even sure if I am to be blamed to this, or maybe am trying my best to make things work and my wife is not just listening and trying to succumb and submit according to what I believe is the right way to do things and handle life. I am the t
My marriage is 4yrs old now with 2 kids, I have at a point in my life decided to file for divorce for irreconcilable differences,but because of the kids, I couldnt make that move. We have so much differences which is making the life of the both of us miserable, but I will make an exemplary fact just for you guys to get a scope of what the problem is. Her mother is late, even before I met her, only a dad and 4 siblings. I for one is without a dad, and also having a mum. Now the problem here is that when we first got married, I was really surprised about the fact that she never wanted my mother to come around even once in a while to visit her grand-daughter;s, there was at a time when she made a clear and fearless remark that " Cant your mum stay in one place and go and look for a job? I felt so bad and even disrespected to see my wife make such remark against my mother that has done no harm but to come and visit and leave in peace. This life ehn, its a pot of hot beans like falz said, I am 100% sure that even with the sightliest of flaws that a mother would have, I see no reason why a wife would despise the mother of her husband. My wife I would say does not really like her, and I cannot find a factual reason to see the reason why. Its sad that I wished she had a terrible MIL then maybe she would realize that my mum is a saint.
To cut the long story shot, I was born into a family of 4, and to be sincere I am the only one that is really taking of my mother @70 yrs old already. The other's apart from the first who still would do more if she has dont do nada. Infact mum is trying to move into a new place, and money to set up the room to taste has only been funded by me the last and the first born, yet my wife is secretly not happy about it. She keeps making comparison about how my mother is my number 1 over her which is really hearth-wrecking to hear. When it is 100% obvious that my family is my number 1 priority in every aspect. I have used a Toyota car for 9 years, still using, I have in 4 years of marriage bought two modern Toyota for my wife.Whereas I have not presented even a 1999 camry to my mother who has never owned a car for 70 years of her life. I even Set up a business for her that literally brings only 15% of her income to support the family which is once in a while. My brother and sisters, I swear on my life that I am very responsible, I do almost everything that has to do with the family, and I am proud of it, even friends and family applaud me just to let you guys be sure that it aint like am being irresponsible at home while impacting friends and families life.
On a sad note for what happened today which finally led me here. Her father informed us a week ahead about marking his bday, and that he was going to mark @ his residence. We all planned, got aso ebi and stuff. The birthday held today, so I had instructed them to leave yesterday beforehand so she can at least be present to help with chores and preparation while I had stay back to monitor some workers at where my mother was moving to. Plan was to leave early this morning so I can make it up before program of the bday starts. I was able to make it up, and everything went splendid and it was a great bday. On getting home, my wife brought up the issue of feeling bad that I had to arrange for an uber cab to pick them up when we had two cars at home bla bla bla, and that if I respected his father that I would have scarified leaving with them that Sunday. I replied saying, I explained everything to you before I executed my plans. #1, I will never allow you drive long distance alone, and never will I since the children would be with her. #2, if you go with one car, and am coming over with the second car the next day, it would be senseless to be coming back home with 2 the two card. So I was gonna higher uber to drop them off, take 1 of the car down there, and then we come back home with that same car, and she concurred. Only to surprise me that her father is not being taken seriously thats why I didnt sleep over from Sunday. I am a man for heavens sake, even if I didnt have anything to do and I decide I just want to be in my house and attend the occasion promptly the next day, crime has not been committed. But she so took that has an offense and made a serious mess out of that irrelevant ranting.
I am sorry for the long story, though am fed up with these differences, and its also obvious that she is playing my family, your family game, which to me is unfair. The father have never visited us official ever since we got married, maybe only once. I never had issues with that.She claims because the man is far away, so what? I nor dey complain oo, but she complains and make remark on things that are obviously not to be questioned. Now my resolution is dissolving the marriage because I can see that she isnt really change, and I also cannot live with a woman that shares a different value and ideology as I do, which always lead to disagreement and bitter and hard words. Nairalanders, but is it worth it? Marriage to me oo, in my own definition based on my situation is a BIG TRAP. Singles, please court your wife well, use your six sense to decipher who she really in order to match compatibility, that even when there is issue, its always easy to resolve because you guys understand and reason accordingly and not otherwise. God bless us all.

@ OP, going by your version of events, it's quite obvious your wife is immature and has a lot to learn. I also fully empathise with you and understand your frustrations but in a situation like this, one just has to be cool-headed, calm, and adopt a logical approach for resolving issues - which is what you've been so far, so kudos to you.
Additionally, I honestly can't fault your responses / actions.

You know, sometimes life is the best experience. Your marriage is only 4 years old so there is a lot of room for improvement and your wife definitely has a lot to learn. What you're going through at the moment is that stage after the initial infectious / gra-gra love / rose tinted passionate love (abi "sha-kin" love lol) gradually erodes - not because you care for each other less, but because life, kids, real-life issues, etc have taken precedence. I'm not saying the spark is gone forever, no. It's just that it's been overtaken by reality.

What you need to do is have an open and honest chat with your wife. Communicate with her the way you've just communicated with us. Do this calmly and don't give in to the temptation of raising your voice in anger against her because I'm quite certain she may try turning this into a shouting match. If she interrupts you in mid-sentence, hold your horses and let her speak. Then tell her in a low tone, quiet but very determined voice that she's had her say and you need to have yours in all fairness and make sure you keep eye contact with her while saying this. If she tries averting, tell her to look at you. I mean it.

Get the conversation back on track and make her understand that you were brought up to be a responsible man. Explain to her that you have a duty of care to mama. Your dad is late and when your wife met you, you were looking after your mother and aren't going to abandon her simply because you got married. It's not your fault that apart from your youngest sibling, the others aren't doing much but does that mean you should neglect the elderly woman? Ask your wife what she wants you to do. Throw the ball back in her court and make sure she gives you a specific answer. You need to make it clear that there is no competition here. Responsibilities are responsibilities and must be met. To do otherwise shows you're irresponsible and uncaring.

You also need to let her know how you feel and right now, you aren't happy. Ask her what she wants and what her expectations are of the marriage. Listen to what she says. A lot of what you'll do next depends on her response.

I won't advise you to wave the "threat of separation" card in her face just yet because she sounds very young, has a lot to learn, and is probably being advised by poor advisers. Remember her mother is late, so whoever it is that she's looking up to for advice isn't doing a very good job at the moment. You just have to teach her and persevere.

Keep being kind and understanding towards her but don't shrink from your responsibilities to your mother either. You sound like a good man.

Don't worry, it'll get easier. We've all been through that and more. All the best.

veave:
I say it most times as i see it. We have a balanced proportion of good and bad men and women. No gender has one side more than the other. If you are lucky to end up with the good one. You keep thanking God. If you managed to get the bad one, you keep patching. All in all, life goes on

I don't understand your story.

You and your husband are jobless. You've got a 9 month old baby and are pregnant with baby no.2?

You've got bills to pay. You were invited for a job interview and you don't want to go, despite your dire situation.

Okay, so what advice are you seeking from us?

Spirit1:
No actually he has 2 other sons. Why leave this unfortunate boy out there, when he has become successful enough to care for him and atone for the mistakes?
This is more of family than what he stands to gain.
All members of the family have been pushing to retrace the boy.

You mean after you lot abandoned him to bear the name bàstàrd?

This your handle sef? Are you a ritualist? Is that what this is all about?

kaziblake:
I know a lady in my street bearing chioma with a 23yrs old son born outside wedlock...she told us how the man family rejected her and how she and her new husband suffered to train him in school but if she is the one you guys are talking about,just forget it.
1,Your brother is heartless and I won't show or tell her anything about this post..God has redeem himself in their life and the boy is done with school.
Just forget about him
Karma is a b!tch

Lol!

Plus the boy already has his real daddy. Not some pretentious sperm donor.

Spirit1:
Keep in mind that in most Igbo land, a son has no claim in his maternal home.
Finding a lost father therefore is a necessity.

If you read the story carefully you will realize that it wasn't deliberate. People make mistakes. He did in this case. I am not defending him. But blood is thicker than water.

Is it?

Somehow, I don't think whoever took Chioma and your brother's abandoned child in and loved that boy like their own flesh and blood, educated him, provided him with a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food in his belly, watched him take his first steps, heard him utter his first words, loved him enough to give him their name, and most importantly covered Chioma's shame - will share your sentiments of blood is thicker than water.

Spirit1:
They will have to make that decision themselves. Just like the young man will make his own decision. At least he should have the opportunity to benefit from his father's wealth if he wishes.
I know he is rich enough to offer him some comfort, although nothing can replace all these years of absence

Wow!

D'you know how pompous that sounds? Seems like even after 23 years, nothing's changed yet.

How d'you know Chioma and her son after all those years of suffering, haven't made it big? How d'you know fortune hasn't smiled on them and they too are far blessed with riches more than that of your entire family combined?

You assume because your family turned their back on her and your nephew, they've remained as you lot left them?

Odiegwu.

cococandy:
This lady didn't get pregnant as a result of hardship befalling your husband and him moving in with her. Nope.

It's something else.

My thoughts precisely.

Methinks this man probably wanted to marry the SA lady but was unable to - perhaps due to his / her / both families set against the union. Whatever the case might have been, @op came in handy and was a convenient means to an end.

She didn't even get to enjoy a honeymoon period with this man. I doubt (based on the story so far) he ever loved her at all. My opinion.

Majority of Nigerian reporters should be shot, especially half-baked ones as these with their poor reporting skills.

The level of "research"'performed by them leaves a lot to be desired.

This version of the story makes absolutely no sense. If the original story is false, then why exactly was she punished? What was her crime? Who are those men and how come she lives with them despite having family members and a grown sister?

This story reeks.

urbanmsg:
Thanks you so much,he already wanted to come stay with me which I refused after finding out about his daughter. so now he has decided to go down to his village and he was saying that I will have come to his village for discussion which I will not do for several reasons.

The nerve...

Thank you so much because now you have given options on how to go about it.

Yes the woman's child is almost same age with my son from all my calculation with her birthday pictures I saw on facebook, my son is only 2 months older than her.

Are you sure your husband didn't know this woman before he married you? Afterall you admitted you only dated for a short while before getting hitched.

Shortly after marrying you, he left and almost immediately got this other lady pregnant. Not only that, he moved in with her playing happy families for five (5) years, while abandoning you to fend for yourself and your son.

Looks like you only ever were his second best.

Lol!

And what guarantees are there that your intended customers get even five hours of uninterrupted power supply from PHCN?

Spirit1:
Fellow nairalanders, I must say that I have been impressed with the way this website and it's members have worked to reunite families together.
I am hoping that you can do the same for my family.
My older brother who is now successful in the USA had a son sometime in 1993 with a neighbors sister who was his "secret girlfriend" in those days. In those days, you can't have a girl friend openly if you are not married. My family didn't allow things like that.
He was a young graduate then living in the boys quarters of my sister's house at 40 Gerard Road Ikoyi.
The girl in question was living in the neighborhood with her brother who worked as a driver with Shell.
Her name is Chioma and she is from Ngwa in Abia State. It was an unplanned pregnancy.
The son must have been born sometime between September and November 1993.
Unfortunately my brother didn't know that Chioma was pregnant when he left Lagos for Immigration course in Kano for 9 months. Please note that there were no cell phones or emails readily available in those days.
It was after he returned about two years to the area that people told him what happened and by that time Chioma was gone from the area and he didn't have any more information to contact her.
Before Chioma left Lagos, she brought the boy to our big sister, who adviced her to return months later when my brother will be around, but Chioma was probably sent back to the village by her brother and never returned.
Over the years our family have been trying to locate Chioma and my brother's son. Unfortunately he doesn't have more information about Chioma apart from what I have said here.
But I believe in the power of nairalanders. Please help.
Please this child was never neglected, my brother just didn't have a way to contact him or his mother. We want him to reunite with his father's family and to compensate Chioma for years of sacrifice, although no amount of money can repay her.
Mods please help post in front page. Anybody who may know a story similar to above please contact me.

You're economical with the truth and not being entirely honest here.

The fact that there weren't any mobile phones or emails back in the early 90's doesn't mean people couldn't keep in touch if they really wanted to.

No, the way I see it, your family thought they were of better social standing and too good for the likes of Chioma and her family.

Your brother lived in his / your sister's boys quarters. Ms Chioma lived with her brother who was nothing but a "common" driver. Even after birthing your brother's son and taking him to see your family (sister), your family weren't in the least bit interested.

Nothing stopped your sister from taking basic details from Chioma. I.e her surname, her family details including that of her brother, the name of Chioma's village, her background information, etc. Do you lot even know the name of this child fathered by your brother?

Even when your brother returned two years later, what stopped him from going to the compound where Chioma and her brother lived to at least get her brother's surname? Then trace his work colleagues? Afterall, he did work with Shell which is a pretty big company and they definitely would have records of their staff. Why didn't this brother of yours and your family do this back then?

Now 23 years later - probably after Karma's taking its revenge on you lot - you come on here claiming to look for your brother's lost son. And to add insult to injury, you talk of compensation.

Lol! Karma is indeed a real bítch sha.

urbanmsg:
Please I need your sincere advice Nairalanders:
I got married in 2011,I dated my husband briefly before we Traditionally got married and shortly after that he traveled out.I was already pregnant and it was tough for me to be alone throughout the period the period of my pregnancy.He was assisting me financially sending money monthly but shortly after i gave birth he started complaining that he was having problem with his business that it was tough for him over there.
I encouraged him to come to Nigeria but he refused.On my own things where so tough that at a point i went to live with his brother but the treatment i received from his brothers wife forced me back to Lagos after staying there for one month.
I came back to Lagos started looking for work,i first got a job that couldn't even take care of my son and my needs even for a week,it was tough all through those period but i was able to pull through as i finally got a stable job, paid for a house and gave my son a much better life than what we where used to.
I really thank God who has been with me all this while because i bore all the expenses alone,my husband was always complaining that he didn't have money and no body to help and at point he said he was sick,though he always calls everyday but it got to point he remained incommunicado for about 10 months.
I just focused on my son and work,then one day a friend of his called and started telling me to forgive him that things have so tough for him over there.that he always talks how much he loves
Like the good girl i was i forgave him,this is 5 years plus i have been waiting for this man that have begging me to have patient for him,always taking love.he hasn't even set eyes on his son.
Something happened recently that made me make up my mind to finally move on though my mother and sister keep begging to forgive him.
He called that he wanted to finally relocate back to Nigeria,I was happy to hear that only for one lady to send friend request on Facebook that there was something she wanted me to know that I should forgive her that i all happened because my husband was not honest with her.
The lady told me how she got pregnant and only found out that he was married after she already pregnant for him that when things became too tough for him that he had to move in with her and they have been living together for 5 years now.Now she wanted to know about her daughter that i forgive her.I saw the daughter's picture and she looks exactly like my husband.I called him and confronted him he didn't deny and he didn't say yes.he only said when he comes back that he will explain to me what happened.Seriously i think i have had enough and is better for me to forget the marriage and move on but my mother and sister keeps begging me to forgive him.
Please i need some advice here and also i recently met a single guy who is asking me for a relationship though i don't know what he actually wants and he knows about my son.

I honestly don't get some women.

Why is it so difficult to set standards of what is acceptable and what is intolerable? Why compromise your self-respect by making excuses for actions which normally are viewed as taboo by one party?

Let me ask you this: if the tables were turned, do you think we'll even be having this discussion in the first place?

I.e: Immediately after your wedding, you travel abroad leaving your newly wed husband behind in Naija. Initially you send him money for his upkeep, this dwindles and eventually stops. You stop communicating with him and the few times you do, you complain of things being "tight" at your end.

Meanwhile, you move in with another man abroad, spread your legs for him and have his kid. Then 5 years later, this man contacts your husband on Facebook claiming he didn't know you were married, you only used him for convenience, but you still love your husband.

Let me repeat that last line: Another man links up with your husband on Facebook informing him that despite the fact you birthed kid no.2 for man no.2, man no.1 should know that you still love him and want to relocate to Naija to continue your "marriage" with him.

Now tell me honestly: what do you really think your husband's reaction will be? Will you even dare show your face to him? If not, why not?

Now d'you get what I meant by my earlier statement about setting standards and not accepting actions that will compromise your self-respect?

Your decision sha.

^^ Lol!

I used to think heights were my thing but they're soooo not.

Will be taking a trip to Thorpe Park soon. Everyone except me will be going on those crazy rides. My own will be to sit on those pink Merry-Go-Round Horsy-horsy things with my daughter.

@ Airforce1: Lol! All's well and forgiven - long time ago. No worries bro.

So how's your music coming up? Released any albums?


@ CynthiaIi: Past is past dear, nothing to worry about.

So how's family life mami? You back to nland for good?

firestar:
Huh, how time flies.

Madam Firestar, fancy seeing you here

You still into poetry and prose? Been a while since I did anything of real value in the Literature Section. Methinks moi needs to get my va-va-voom back...