₦airaland Forum

BarryX:
Welcome Obokparo. Lots of Isokos are in the same dilemma as you but it is surmountable brother!

Eve eware kpobi?

Cc EfemenaXY

Oniovò mė, ma rèh oh! Kobuwò?

Happy Sunday.

Chillisauce:
Thanks babe. We are fine. Can't say about others. Just a very sad day..anyway. life goes on. We remain positive and let the government do their job.
It's not gonna stop anytime soon as the govt intensifies the fight over Syria and Irak..while we have lots of Muslim living here...we just dido on watch.

Howdy? Longest time no hear. You still doing your 16 miles race? I'm sure you are.

edwife:
Thanks darling, we are all fine.It's just overwhelming each time such news emerge,we all have to be on the phone,calling anyone you can remember,the parents worrying as well as grand parents,phew.
We all agree as a family no one should be in a crowd or public gatherings for now and to say i have to be in Belgium in less than two weeks, i am so scared but i have to go.Flights booked and can't change the destination.May God help us.

Phew!

Thank you Lord.

I'm so glad you ladies are alright - was really worried. Yes, changing times indeed

OMG,

Chillisauce and Edwife, pls are both you ladies and your families okay?

Just heard about the recent attacks in France. 84 dead

Abeg drop a line to let us know you're both fine...

Jahblessme:
@ God go provide.
Migrants face an uphill task to be honest! You just arrive empty handed and work from scratch to become something.
This family sets aside at least x per month ,yet seems like nothing.they are not willing to go totally skint yet.Mother really has to sit up,she was waiting for father to finish training and become more flexible with work then start her own.
It's a crazy world.
Thanks ma!!the mother and father are grateful and will sit up.
England seems to be more deadly fees wise.10-12k tops for secondary down where the family resides.

Private school fees on average increase by 3% every year. So the parents should take that into consideration when calculating how much the actual fees will be (in six years time) for when the oldest is 11 years old, and in 10 years time for the youngest.

Additionally, I forgot to mention that the parents should seriously consider utilising their ISA allowance and start saving into a (high risk but potentially higher returns) Stocks and Shares ISA account. This should be left to grow for a minimum of 10 years - just about when the youngest is about to start secondary school.

Like every savvy saver, they should also look to spread their investments in a wide range of savings vehicles. i.e medium risk (bonds / government gilts), and low risk but lower returns (Cash ISAs). The ongoing rates for cash ISAs are drab to put it mildly (0.8 - 2.0%), but at least the gross (not AER) interest generated is tax free.

There is a lot of free information on the net they can look up but I would strongly suggest they pop into their local bank branch and ask to speak to an IFA (Independent Financial Adviser).

Jahblessme:

@ tearoses so true @ last born
You and Efemena have opened my eyes.
So hard to get info on things outside naija here.
The family were really hoping to hear that it's doable but the figures don't stack up at all!
Time for hot tears for the mother.

You're welcome.

I know how she feels. Private schooling in the UK especially in South East England is no joke. Parents are adviced to start saving up at least £2k monthly before junior is born. And that's to fund private schooling at secondary level.

To do both levels, then they should either have buoyant grandparents to help, Equity to release on their property, or savings / trust funds already established. When hubby showed me an article in the papers detailing all of this, our eldest was just under a year old.

Question is, how many of your average migrant Nigerian parents have these set up or better still, an inheritance to fall back on? Especially when the mentality is "born the pikin first, then God go provide..."

^^ How old are the kids in question?

Sounds like the dad is contracting (at best) on a £500 per day rate before tax, and this is on the assumption he works flat out 5 days a week for 50 weeks a year, excluding the 8 day bank holiday, and no time off for personal holidays / sick leave.

How sustainable is this? That aside, most of these contracts (from the finance sector) tend to be 6 month contracts with the possibility for extension, on the assumption that the project(s) is / are ongoing.

Don't forget dad needs to keep aside £17,000 a year in Corporation Tax, and that's exclusive of income tax, NI Contributions, Idemenity Insurance, 10-20% accountant fees, etc. Factoring these, his net take home pay at best would be more in the region of £70-£75k assuming he declares an income (i.e. what he pays himself/ salary) of £10k for tax purposes and the rest as dividends.

Now you might say £70-£75k per annum isn't bad but if the bare fees for one child (excluding lunches, uniforms, instrumental lessons, sporting kits, drama, school trips, insurance, etc) is £12K per annum, when you factor in those extra expenses, you'll easily be pushing an additional £8k per annum. That's £20k per child and £40k for both, leaving dad with a balance of £30-£35k per annum. Would the balance be able to foot their feeding, rent, council tax, gas, light, water, phone, Internet, cable tv, tv license, credit cards / loans repayment (if applicable), etc for the entire year?

Most importantly, mum appears to be working on minimum wage. What happens when dad is inbetween jobs, as is common with contractors? Especially now we've got the implications of Brexit to consider in the long run?

I think what's key is for the parents to decide what their priorities are, and to take it from there.

Onegai:
Tearoses, what you've said is absolutely spot-on. It depends also on the parent. At that Graduation Ceremony, the best student (a girl) also won several prizes for subjects. Parents rushed to congratulate her parents and asked for the contact info of their lesson teacher(s), So they could hire them for their own kids and see results. They were all surprised to find out that the girl had no lesson teachers. Those parents were still looking to outsource their roles as parents, thinking that throwing a bucket of money at the problem for results, rather than their presence.
As per the Otedola girls not working, I'm not shocked at it. Okoya's daughter got married and everyone congratulated the dude wedding her and were surprised to find out she was jobhunting. No-one would really hire her either because she's an Okoya (and Daddy may have pissed them off in the past) or, she was NOT expected to work in Corporate. Rarely do I see the daughters of wealthy people working in the Corporate world after Marriage. They are expected to be Gracious Chateleines to their husbands and run the home and his social calendar, not be CEOs. It's actually uncommon. They can afford to be socialites and be SaHMs so no-one expects them to be hustling a 9-5 that is demanding. Even the one i knew who has an MBa, her Dad bypassed her to pick his son who's younger than her and doesn't have that qualification to run the company. Zahra Buhari is going to run a charity one day, not an oil company. And they will be expected to marry well, and help Daddy forge alliances with the right family. Which is why, no matter how devout or comfy a Yoruba Muslim is, he cannot aspire to wed a Hausa-Fulani girl from a wealthy home. She's been promised to someone else.

I get what you're saying but these examples you've given are of kids from elite classes. Granted I don't know the dynamics of how it works within the Nigerian environment but even then surely private schools back there aren't the exclusive preserve of the super rich with billionaire parents?

So that group aside, how does it work for the middle class / upper middle class kids that go through the private route? I'd like to believe that even at that level, the girls graduating from those schools aspire for high end careers and not become glorified housewives? Otherwise what would have been the essence of sending them to such schools in the first place?

Many of the top end female politicians in palariment went through the private route or grammar schools.

Onegai:
Hian! My sister, I had to ask "please what magical brand of crayons are the babies using to colour??".
They wanted us to start checking out schools so we can put Baby E on some waiting lists. Those fees you mentioned, is how much LPS and St. Saviours and co, pay (and I hear LPS kids don't learn much and they're paying N2.1mil and St. Savours has a wait list longer than my arms).
A sitting governor's wife came to wish them good luck and they have events like Tea parties (to teach etiquette) and Proms where they get big musical stars to perform. And almost every child had the "right lastname" . But at least the good thing was, their Headboy and Headgirl gave speeches and they spoke better than most university graduates. Infact I had to tell the boy "you're gonna end up with the title "President" behind your name one day, whether Senate or Group CEO". And I hear it's a good feeder school for too secondary schools like Loyola and co. And continues upwards to a good Ivy League.

I totally get where you're coming from but at the end of the day, it really depends on what you (and dad) want for Baby E. The key thing is ensuring you get the right balance of academic tuition versus pastoral care. Some schools are more academically inclined while other tilt more towards pastoral care / sports, or others offer both at a 50:50 ratio. It really depends on your child's capability and what you as their parent feels is priority.

One of the advantages of going private are the smaller class sizes. Take here for example, the average class size is 30 pupils per class (with 1 teacher and 1 Teaching Assistant {TA}) in the state school. But when you go private you get an average of 8 - 12 pupils per class. So the kids get a closer 1-to-1 attention from the teacher and the class size is more manageable.

Additionally, unlike their state school counterparts, each teacher has got the required university qualifications and experience to teach their precise subject. So you don't get instances of 1 teacher handling mathematics, English Language, French, Fine Art, Music, Spanish, etc.

I can't quite remember the exact statics but there was a report a few years ago detailing the percentage of private school pupils in the country and the percentage of those from that background bagging the top jobs. I think it stated 6% of the entire population were private educated kids but yet 95% of those top most jobs were taken up by those who went through the private route.

Onegai, put baby E in on one of them jare. Don't worry about that white riding helmet you mentioned or her getting to marry Prince George...you never know it just might happen but you've gotta start right na, abi?

Wow! Nice one @op.

Very few stories I read on here (less than 1%) pique my interest in the slightest but yours...got me hooked from the word go. Beautiful and skilfully crafted piece of work.

Well done

Lol Onegai!!

N1m a YEAR, not term oh, is perfectly "affordable" na.

The ongoing rate per term for the average private nursery here is about £4k per term (N1.8m) or £12k annually (N5.4m) inclusive of lunch, but exclusive of school uniforms / sporting kit, outdoor school trips, instrumental music lessons, etc.

So yeah, you guys have got a very good deal on your hands.

This video brought close to tears the very minute I started watching it. How can humans be so cruel??Poor little soldier.

Glad he's doing well, thanks to his Danish rescue worker.

Merlissa:
I just paid a dear friend a visit.

His wife served us supper with plenty meat, yet their kids had only sliced onions and tomatoes on their meals to eat.

I felt really bad that they were going to such great length to entertain me.

After the meal, I asked my friend why we had this plenty meat and his kids had none; as I was determined to press some change into his wife's hand.

He said "What should I do? When they say they won't eat dog meat?"

Lol!

Nice joke

Lol! Oh my

Such an entertaining thread. The word blast don suffer...

Packing is just half the stress.

Do you offer unpacking services too?

ancashy:
An opportunity they are usually too busy to use.and couples do not literally have to fight just build positive mechanisms for resolving issues and reconciling differences.

Yes, they do.

Not necessarily degrade to physical fighting mind you, but they must at some point have conflict. Without it, they'll never learn how to handle conflict resolution and will be living a pretentious life, which isn't sustainable.

It's not a new trend.

These women can't be completely absolved of taking some of the blame for the situation they find themselves in.

IF they know their townsmen are notoriously lazy, then why do they keep on letting history repeat itself over and over again by marrying these men?
What do they teach their daughters?

Don't get me wrong, I'm an advocate for hardworking women in relationships but not at the expense on one party taking undue advantage of the other.

Whether this story is real or unreal is irrelevant.

What's more concerning is the level of immaturity, depravity and perversion exhibited in the comments.

I weep for the girl child in Nigeria.

Sick society.

Now this is sad.

Ignorance and illiteracy are the cause of his predicament. That poor boy's heart is a ticking time bomb.

MmmS:
Im a 24year-old graduate and I have been planning towards doing postgraduate studies. Well, what happened was that I was dating a guy for 2years and we broke up a few months ago because he cheated. I have decided to be single and focus on progressing myself because I am not yet ready to be in a relationship because I feel like I'm not at that point were I will be able to completely trust the next guy, until I have emotionally dealt with my break-up, hence I am putting my focus on school.
Okay, moving on to the purpose of the this thread. An aunt of mine who always seems to be in everyone's business decided to pick on me at a family gathering and she mocked me about not being married at my age. I bluntly replied her that i do not want to be like her who goes to the clinic monthly for HIV tests because of her generous husband. Since this is actually true, she got really offended and told anyone who cared to listen that I am rude and disrespectful and I was accusing her of being HIV positive.
Okay let me explain my history with this woman. Before I started my undergraduate I had to stay at her house for a month since she stays closer to the schools i was applying to. She always told me that I was not intelligent enough for the programme I wanted to apply for and some of the schools I was appying to were to expensive and my parents would not afford them. She always had something negative to say. Anyway I actually got a place for my desired programme to every school that I had applied. She kept one acceptance letter from me (i used her address as my mail address). It was an acceptance letter to a school her daughter also wanted to go to but they could not afford and she only told me about this letter after I had already enrolled into another school (this acceptance letter she kept from me was from the school of my first choice).
The only reason why I said what I said to her was because all throughout my studies she always discouraged me and told me I would not make it and when I made it, she decided to shift the focus to marriage. She is the type that always trash talks everyone in the family. If she is at aunty B's house she will be gossiping about aunty C and her kids and when she is at aunty C's she will be gossiping about aunty B and her family.
Some of my relatives have shunned me and they have set a date for an intervention for me. To be honest I feel like everything is being taken out of proportion because I felt like I was just defending myself after years of being bullied by this woman. She really does go to the clinic for HIV tests every month, so I do not why she was offended to the extend of lying that I had accused her of being HIV positive.
I really need help dealing with this from people that have ever been in a similar situation.

Some Nigerian "elders" sef and their entitlement mentality.

Respect is earned. For your aunt to shoot off her mouth like a loose canon speaks volumes about her level of intelligence.

Where are your parents in all of this? They should have your back if you've levelled with them and explained the whole situation.

Who funded your undergraduate studies and who will be funding your post graduate studies? Your parents or this aunt of yours?

Respect55:
Please my dear learned Nairaland friends, I will appreciate it if u all help me out of dis problem we are facing.
I'm the second son in our family who just finished his NYSC. My elder brother is a business man. Others are girls and are married. My dad is late.
The problem is this, my mother just used the original document of the major shop my dad left for us to obtain loan of 5million naira for her younger brother without our notice.
When we found out by Monday this week, we confronted my mum and she didn't deny it. As it is now, the brother has taken the loan of five million naira with a duration of 5years to pay back or they will take over our shop.
This is my mum that has refused to borrow me 500 thousand naira to start something with when I returned from service.

Pls advise me dear friends. We don't want to loose the shop.
Tnks

Chronic jealousy and hate are evil emotions to habour against your own family (mother and brother).

Repent and set your soul free.

Another scamming thief roaming free on Nairaland.

mrwonlasewonie:
Mrs woman you get time o

After how many years on nl.is IT a little boy young to be your kid brother That you'll be arguing about the dynamics of marriage with

If you went to go and que in Lagos traffic for nothing it's more valuable expending your energy typing this because he won't understand and he'll still be justifying himself

Oh, I know that.

But my post is also to let other young impressionable ladies out there know that there is more to a marriage / a real man than what Mr 5minutesmadness is painting it out to be.

Free thoughts, free speech, and free movement (independence) are here to stay, whether Mr 5minsmadness likes it or not. No one should be made to think being married entails living in a shoe box.

MidasTouch01:
Hi Family, please I need your sincere advice. I created this account for privacy's sake (Mod please don't move this to homepage) . My marriage is just a year old, my husband is 31 while I'm 27. We have a 4year old son (we dated for 7years, had our son in the course of our relationship). Three years ago, he cheated on me with a younger lady. I stepped in and told the lady to leave my man for myself and our son, though he fought me over it but somehow with time, their relationship fizzled out and all was fine.

Earlier this year, my husband started acting suspicious, he became extra careful with his phone and all. I checked his phone, then I saw that the two of them have gotten back together. He claimed the girl asked him to forgive her and he did. Also got to know they have been sleeping with each other (we stay in different states for now as he is running a program). All these I got to know going through his phone. I told him I was done with him and can't take it anymore. He told me that he was sorry, and since he was able to let her go before now, that he will do it again.
Now the problem is this, we stay in two different states, and the lady stays just few kilometres away from my man. He promised to let her go, but I asked him how he intends to, he only replied me that he will. Also, I have the girl's contact, so i see the way they chat away into late in the night.

I intend giving him another chance BUT how do I handle this without overdoing things. As much as I try not to, I end up checking them up on whatsapp, and seeing both of them chat away gets me angrier. Please save a sister's marriage. I believe he is only sorry when he gets caught. After that he seem to throw caution to the wind again. He keeps asking me to trust him. Please how am I suppose to trust him again? And is there a way I can help him, because this seems to be a great weakness of his?

Matured advice please. Thanks a lot.

Like many have said on here, if you feel you can overlook his excesses and can function in that environment without falling prey to hypertension or high bp, or entertaining thoughts of poisoning his mistress, and if you are able to prevent your young son being at the receiving end of negative vibes between you both, then you must do what makes you happy. You already have your child. Good thing. Now focus on bringing him up right to the best of your ability. Even though you hurt inside, never say a bad / negative word to him about his dad. Follow the golden rule of: If you've got nothing positive to say, then say nothing at all...

I totally get why you want to stick it out - it's your choice and I respect that. And to do this successfully, you'll need to immerse yourself in projects that will totally and I mean totally, preoccupy you. I assume you're working? If not, then what are you waiting for??

Set yourself challenging goals. Don't let society's perception of what a woman can (should) or can't (shouldn't) do limit you. How many houses have you built in your name / son's name? None? Then start working towards that. Don't stop at one. Before you complete one, start making preparations for another and a third. You shouldn't even mention this to your man. He's made his choice and for all you know, his mistress might be pregnant right now carrying his child.

Focus also on starting up a business and making a success of it. Look for something you're passionate about and go for it with all you've got. You're young. You're healthy. You're strong. You're of sound mind. Things won't always remain the same as one gets older - so why not make the very best of your youth and do something positive? Something that counts?

Right now you're hurting and I'm pretty certain revenge isn't far from your mind. You may deny it, but it's not rocket science to understand how a woman in your shoes must be feeling - having your man betray your trust and you being forced to share him with someone else. It's a slap on your face. On the very essence of your womanhood - yes? But not to worry. Shyte happens - and rather than focus on destructive revenge, why not go for constructive, all-empowering "revenge"? You're married to a Nigerian man. Your average Nigerian man feels "wounded" pride and less of a man if he discovers his wife has quietly taken up the mantle to build her own house in her own name / child's name. (Don't ask me why they feel that way, or see it as a slap in the face - they just do). When such a man sees that you aren't bothered about his escapades, nor are you retaliating by paying him back in the same coin - but rather are pushing forward, independently with your own life - trust me, he'll come running back with his tail between his legs.

Your destiny is in your hands, not in another human being's hands, much less a philandering man's hands. You're only 27. Start securing your future and that of your son's.

And one more thing. Don't you ever, ever, challenge, much less contact his mistress(es). Give yourself some self-respect. How many of such women do you intend to chase? Harsh as it may sound, erase that mentality that the "other woman" is out to destroy your home. She isn't. It's your husband who's using his own hands to destroy his home. He's the one introducing outsiders to your union. He's the one who made those marriage vows to you, not the other woman. The other woman owes you nothing. She's not even decent for goodness sake, otherwise she'd go find her own man.

Girl, respect yourself and keep away. Don't go tainting yourself with the public latrine.

It is well.

5minsmadness:
Indeed it is the age of equality. We hear it everyday on this family section how a woman should stand up to her husband and refuse to be oppressed (even if there was no oppression intended in the first place). Such talks make it look like marriage is a battlefield and there is no peace between the sexes. Some people even begin to wonder why they should get married at all when marriage apparently looks so miserable.

You're slowly but surely turning into a narcissist. And a misogynist.

Why do you automatically assume that if there's a problem in a union, it must be the woman's doing or better still, she has to take full responsibility for ironing things out? Why then is it called a union?

5minsmadness:
Well, I am here to say that marriage is only miserable to you as a woman if you want it to be! Men are natural born fighters , you can't start fighting your man as well in his own house. No man worth his salt will take it. Men were built to dominate. If you start wanting to dominate him in his own house that he paid rent for or built, insisting that he washes the plates or washes the clothes or sweeps the house or take care of the kids while u sleep all in the name of equality, you will make him set up a wall against you. He may outrightly defy you or he may sulk and do what you have ordered but be sure he is bitter about it and wondering when you became the man of the house. Soon enough if he cannot be a man indoors, he will start to look for how he can be one outside.

You use the wrong language and tone here:

~ Fighters. Who / what is the man born to fight? His wife? Society?

~ Dominate. Dominate who? The wife? Is she a foot mat / footstool to be 'dominated'?

Point of correction:

~ Not all men own the house or worse still, pay the rent. There are tons of families out there where the man does absolutely nothing and the buck is passed onto the wife who stoically carries on running that ship (a.k.a paying the bills) without so much of a mummer, covering his shame, while the outside world assumes this domineering, "fighter" of a man is captaining the ship.

~ Re: the underlined bit of your post, you're simply reaching. One'll be hard pressed to find a woman who does such. You're watching too many movies. You know very well that what really happens, the main bone of contention for many WORKING WOMEN with young kids, is the expectation that they go out and hustle like a man and contribute financially to the upkeep of the home, and yet on returning home after a hard day's graft, expected to tie wrapper and enter the kitchen to pound yam and cook fresh Egusi soup while the pot-bellied-football-watching hubby yells for her to take the kids away and demands she hurries up with serving his food (on her knees).

Re: the bit in green - seriously? Is that a threat? Meant to shake up the wife? Lol!!

5minsmadness:
Having said that, a woman is a human being as well and not a workhorse or slave. She needs help as well and men have an excessive amount of muscle to spare to help around the house , especially if you cannot afford a maid. So how do you as a woman seek help from your husband without sounding like a nagging frustrated loveless feminist?

Because if he uses half his brain and puts himself in her shoes and does the right thing - without having to be schooled like a two year old, then there wouldn't be a need to nag will there?

5minsmadness:
Simple. Use the gift that God gave you. Use the things that attracted your man to marry you in the first place. Use your womanliness, your feminine charms and grace! Use sweet words garnished with love and not commanding and off-putting tone that bristles with scorn. [s]Esther was able to play with the crown of the most dangerous man in Babylon, not because she felt entitled, neither because she felt the man was equal to her. No! Her feminine charms made him as meek as a lamb in her hands.[/s]

Mtcheeew!!

Because he is what? The beginning and the end of the woman's happiness?

5minsmadness:
Use your charm to handle your man and not your sharp tongue. Use your sweetness, quick wit,love and unsolicited kisses to get what you want from your king instead of declaring your rights like a country looking for every opportunity to secede. I assure you, you will get a lot more done by being a lady instead of a nag.

Peace.

And when he wants something done, how does he / how is he supposed to "cajole" / pamper his wife to do that? Without of course accusing her of lacking proper home training as per she should know what to do without having it spelt out to her?

Biko 5minsmadness, go 'n get married make we hear word.

MidasTouch01:
Hi Family, please I need your sincere advice. I created this account for privacy's sake (Mod please don't move this to homepage) . My marriage is just a year old, my husband is 31 while I'm 27. We have a 4year old son (we dated for 7years, had our son in the course of our relationship). Three years ago, he cheated on me with a younger lady. I stepped in and told the lady to leave my man for myself and our son, though he fought me over it but somehow with time, their relationship fizzled out and all was fine.

Earlier this year, my husband started acting suspicious, he became extra careful with his phone and all. I checked his phone, then I saw that the two of them have gotten back together. He claimed the girl asked him to forgive her and he did. Also got to know they have been sleeping with each other (we stay in different states for now as he is running a program). All these I got to know going through his phone. I told him I was done with him and can't take it anymore. He told me that he was sorry, and since he was able to let her go before now, that he will do it again.
Now the problem is this, we stay in two different states, and the lady stays just few kilometres away from my man. He promised to let her go, but I asked him how he intends to, he only replied me that he will. Also, I have the girl's contact, so i see the way they chat away into late in the night.

I intend giving him another chance BUT how do I handle this without overdoing things. As much as I try not to, I end up checking them up on whatsapp, and seeing both of them chat away gets me angrier. Please save a sister's marriage. I believe he is only sorry when he gets caught. After that he seem to throw caution to the wind again. He keeps asking me to trust him. Please how am I suppose to trust him again? And is there a way I can help him, because this seems to be a great weakness of his?

Matured advice please. Thanks a lot.

This is heartbreaking stuff.

Let me respond to this later on today.

cococandy:
I keep bragging with those photos because I was the photographer. My photography game so on point.

You've got the touch mami. You definitely do

Haha! See our wife oooohhh!!!

She looks so much like you. She's even got your smirk (1st pic).

Beautiful baby. Lovely daddy daughter pictures Coco.

And no mention of her husband / father of the three girls.

Stupîd.

Lovely pics

Would have loved to see more of African / Nigerian dad and daughter moments though.

What's with the recent surge of violence based stories flooding the Family Section of late?

RoyalRoy abeg do something pls

In the meantime, Sambarry come over here and put mouth for matter. Shebi you support beating up minors as a way of correcting and instilling discipline?

What a scam.

And a poorly thought out one at that.

I see nothing funny about this thread, especially as a vulnerable adult is at the receiving end of physical abuse and maltreatment.

What's there to laugh about? Nigerians condoning violence since time immemorial.