₦airaland Forum

MUVA:
Evening ma'am, can I get your attention for a min?

You've got it.

How can I help you?

quivah:
How can a woman be 100% dependent on her husband?? I'm sorry, but she's a LIABILITY!
Even if she's a sahm, she can still find one or two things to do and earn some money , no matter how little.
So, she wan buy pad..she will have to wait on her husband.
If her mum needs some money, she will tell her to wait till her husband comes?! Chai!

But I'm not surprised, you once said a man can fully cater for his wife, kids and her relatives.
I just wonder what exactly is her own role in her parent's home...a bridge to bring a savior across?
Even in this present economic, any woman who relies 100% on her husband is digging her grave.
Cc edwife.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't find any of these funny but it got me in stitches...

Okay. Back to viewing mode

SAMBARRY:
what does Hebrew chapter 11 says

WITHOUT FAITH IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE GOD and

FAITH IS ALSO THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN

You don't read your bible again

You dey quote bible give me because of leg matter?

Abeg show me the leg jare. No need for long story...

SAMBARRY:
are you doubting Thomas

That I am, ma'am. 100%

One on one home tutoring is a no brainer.

It's tailor made to fit the child's requirements, and more importantly, the lessons are delivered at the child's pace.

SAMBARRY:
yes na.

Pic of the bent foot or I don't believe you.

edwife:
Nah you are not pushing any buttons, a long while coming? wow I am impressed.

Good.

I'd like to keep you impressed.

Edwife, you're going round in circles. Let's agree to disagree on this.

As far as I'm concerned, woman who is 100% reliant on a man for EVERYTHING, despite her educational qualifications is no different to a begger.

What's the point of going to school in the first place if her sole aim is to be a "kept" woman? We've all got brains. Use it or lose it. It's that simple.

SAMBARRY:
that's exactly how my feet is in the first picture na

Seriously?

SAMBARRY:
everyone has their own peculiarities na.

As your money reach na so you go get better thing bet for those with wider feets flat sandals is the solution

Sambarry, pls go 'n google wide fit shoes. Please.

With all this your sharp, pointed shoes, make your leg nor be like this in a few years time oh!!

Kimoni:
Your love for Edwife no be today naa, I know that already

@edwife, lucky you. I wish I had someone who loves me this much

Mindfulness:
Thanks to statements such as:

'God hates divorce.'

Mtcheew!

Mindfulness:
'Nobody will want you anymore.'

Mtcheew!! Mtcheew!!

Mindfulness:
'Your children will suffer if you divorce their father.'

Mtcheew!!! Mtcheew!!! Mtcheew!!!

Like they aren't suffering now she's six feet under?

Mindfulness:
'A woman without a husband cannot be fulfilled and will cry herself to sleep at night.'

Nonsense!

I would personally give him transportation money and a one-way ticket to take his sorry @rse far, far, away.

Like seriously?

Kimoni:
https://www.nairaland.com/3131757/corpse-roseline-sougie-killed-husband

Efemenaxy, have you seen this story on front page?

She was the breadwinner o yet she allowed herself to be subjected to abuse over and over again till she met her death A a lot women don't have that mental strength to get up and act.

Yes, I've just read it.

And the story also says she was dissuaded by family members from divorcing him 2 years ago. So yes, another "righteous" but dead Mrs.

SAMBARRY:
lol

Don't you know pointed shoes make you look like a big girl and classy too

It just gives you this big girl look and upgrade your outfit

I don't like them.

Besides, pointed shoes fit those with narrow feet. How d'you cater for those with wide fit?

Kimoni:
Efemenaxy, why are you pushing edwife's buttons naa lol

Back to the story, I think the problem has to do more with this woman's character and less of the fact that she is a stay at home mum although being a SAHM may have contributed to her inherent weakness. Like the husband rightly said, she was the type that never talked back, or took any decisions in the home, so why is she starting now? Hence, he would rather nip things in the bud than allow matters to get out of hand. And I am sure there are several working women out there who also run their marriage like this. They have no input on how the home is run. The husband dictates everything in the home, including how her income is spent; her income does nothing to empower her, it empowers the husband more instead. It's a slave-master type of relationship.

So my advice to women is not to start what they can't finish. Don't be a dummy wife in the beginning and hope to be independent later. It will most likely not work. I know a lot of SAHMs whose husbands will not sleep at home for months if they dare to impregnate the maid. For the OP's friend, the husband has already sent her packing, so she might as well dust her certificate and horn her skills. It's never too late to take back control of one's life. But if she wants to continue being the dummy wife, she should apologize and bring home a more beautiful maid for the husband. I guess the old maid has run her course in the house.

Lastly, like mindfulness said, it's always better that a woman works and earns her own money, at least on the long term. Or have some sort of fall-back plan such as savings, insurance etc The question we should all ask ourselves as women is - if anything happens to my husband's income today, can I single-handedly maintain the living standards we are presently enjoying for a period of time or do I resort to begging almost immediately? Women should always think about tomorrow when making some of these decisions/sacrifices in the home.

Again, several Likes for this.

You totally get my angle.

Infact, I agree with your post.

And yes, I intend to push Ed's buttons today. It's been a looooooong while coming.

edwife:
Then what are we doing here? How many women in Nigeria are married to man with non-supportive view?

Let's answer your question with a question:

How many threads do we have opened here about women in happy marriages with supportive husbands, versus women in unhappy marriages with unsupportive husbands?

edwife:
Yes not many women are stay at home by choice, lack of jobs is the major factor in most cases.
I didn't say not everyone is cut out for white collar job, most of the excuses people give is that after staying home for long who is going to employ you? And majority of graduate in Nigeria think that the only job they can do is office job because of the certificate they hold. That is why i said, it doesn't have to be a white collar job, anything is acceptable.Go back to my discussions with byvan.

No, I won't go back to your discussions with Byvan03. I don't have to. A lot of threads opened by women looking for work aren't based on "white collar jobs" only. Come to think of it, I've never seen anyone male or female for that matter saying, "I graduated from xyz with ABC qualifications and will only do ABC type of work." Since you strongly believe that such people think along these lines, can you provide me with a few links to such threads on NL? Additionally, there's hardly any thread that hasn't got people advising those looking for employment to take up anything including the famous, "set up a shop" or "run your small business from home". So I ask again where you get your assumptions from?

edwife:
So if the couple were late starters with young kids, how do you know if she wasn't working before that? What was she a housewife for? And nope, i didn't say a woman should stay home till the kids are of secondary school age, stop putting words on my mouth, i said of school age and when i said of school age, it means nursery.Go back to my conversations with byvan again.

The story is about her life post marriage, not pre-marriage. Assuming she was working prior to getting married, her circumstances were obviously different - but what's your point though? What's her pre-married life got to do with her situation post marriage?

edwife:
How do you know? Do you know if she has been saving? Did she tell you that? The fact that she's putting up with friends or wanting to come back to her lunatic husband doesn't mean that she doesn't have anything to her name, after all the banker that just died, wasn't she working?

And what makes you think she's saved a kobo to her name? Okay, let's assume she's got some savings. Why then would she want to go back there after being beaten up with a damaged eye to show for? Hasn't what she's saved enough to sustain her and her four kids, get herself some sort of accommodation, with some leftover to start up a business / search for work?

edwife:
Then hear it now, housewife gets levels. A woman married to a millionaire is different to a woman married to a 18k salary guy. A woman who receive 100 to 200k allowance is very different to the one who receives 10k. This is the level.

And what's the ratio of millionaire housewives receiving 100 - 200k allowance to those married to 18k men receiving 10k allowance? Is the ratio disproportionate or grossly disproportionate in a country like Nigeria, on the edge of a recession? Tell me.

edwife:
You started generalising and i gave you an example.Who forced them? And how their decision to remain in destitution the problem of housewife in general? In my post, i said as long as it is their decision or joint decision not forced.

Just because you think I generalized doesn't mean that's true. I argued for both sides and I've said countless times I've seen the pros and cons. This is just one of the scenarios and yes, I believe this woman has got absolutely nothing to her name after 14 years of marriage with nothing (apart from her kids) to show for. You know it too, hence your calling her "dummy, senseless, etc". Abi?

edwife:
I had to personalised because you generalised.You asked for my opinion on this story based on my previous post which you brought your sanitary towels theory otherwise byvan wouldn't have post this:

Why does the sanitary towels bit seem to get to you so much? Would it have made any difference if I said such women go cap in hand, begging for soup money and pocket money? Does it matter which specific item they ask for? The underlying principle is the same, which is, since they don't earn, they are 100% reliant on the man for EVERYTHING. Begging for weaveon money doesn't make it anymore dignifying than begging for money to purchase sanitary towels. Begging is begging, irrespective of what is begged for.

edwife:
Yes i would have, didn't you say unhappy marriage? Will we have been here if she was in a happy marriage?

Do you by any chance, think her not working could be one of the causes of her being unhappy in that marriage?

edwife:
Don't be lost, I was only giving a scenario here which is more common among graduates, who believe they can't do any other thing except work for what they have studied, just like you alluded she must have been begging her husband for sanitary towel for 14 years.

Redundant points, both of which have already been addressed. Reiterating what's been said doesn't add weight to the argument.

edwife:
You called me to give my opinion, i didn't go straight to her and say why are you staying at home for 14 years? I din't judge her for being a housewife, for what she wants to do by bringing the little girl in order for her to save her marriage.

No? Then why call her unprintable names like "senseless", "dummy", cast asperations on her educational background / qualifications?

And more importantly, why d'you think she's going to such desperate measures to save her marriage? Especially if she's got a safety net / nest egg?

edwife:
Then she is enjoying it and i wasn't referring to her 14 years old marriage but the fact that she was a housewife to a stingy man who according to you was forced to beg for sanitary towel.

She's forced to beg for everything! She's got zero income and fully reliant on the man. She can't even raise her voice.

edwife:
Well i said this because many were emphasising about her being a graduate, and in Nigeria, not all graduate are really graduate and for the record i said some, i didn't generalised unlike you who generalised that all housewives in Nigeria beg for sanitary towels.

Really?

Prove it.

PresVA:
Lol, funny.... how you get treated as a housewife isn't dependent on where you live... depends on the kinda husband you have....
Also depends on the value the woman places on herself, that you're a housewife doesn't mean you shouldn't have plans for your life...
People become (temporary) 'housewives' for many reasons. .

Anyone can be ill-treated irrespective of location. ..

Agreed.

And that's why a plan B should always be in place. A safety net. There's no harm in a woman looking out for herself and her kids, should the unimaginable happen.

People change. Life happens.

edwife:
See groove, see my shape.

You and efe should negotiate and leave my babe alone o , i am almost there-beach body loading.

Ify well done...you sabi assign

Don't mind Ify.

Na serious Ojoro she done do...

SAMBARRY:
this Is For all sizes.lepa,orobo,anyone

I like this one. Can't say the same for the others though.

Now tell me: what's your own with pointed shoes sef?

Dyt:
Pls she should beg him
Kneel down in that same compound
Cry out loud and say sorry husband
Then pray and fast
There's no husband oo
Where will she go with 4 kids and one eye
Prayer is the key

4 kids, 1 eye, prayer key....LMAO!!!

ifyalways:
A graduate of Biochem don't know what to ? Or she knows but prefers to stay there because of the perks involved with being a Mrs housewife to somebody?
Typed from my Iced fish stall . . .

cococandy:
Bring back which help? It's like she's crazy.

I don't have anything to say about her foolishness in enduring physical abuse but bring back someone's child to be molested in order to save her a marriage to an assholl? Where's her conscience? So the future of that girl is less important than her marital status?

She better leave the girl where she is. Safe and away from the randy husband.
Let her look for something else to appease her husband with. Maybe her two kidneys and the remaining eye. As long as they leave someone else's child out of their sick home and affairs.

Chei!

Mindfulness:
Well, my position on this has always been very clear. Make sure you are self-reliant before bringing kids into this world. There is nothing wrong with staying at home for some time but you must have a plan B. In this case it turns out that the husband is a pervert, in other scenarios the husband dies or falls sick. It is a mother's duty to ensure that she can take care of her family in such scenarios. My two cents.

1000+ Likes!

You couldn't have said it any better.

byvan03:
Edwife is right oo, I didn't beg, not when am the accountant general. I think she is married to a stingy man and failed to use her brain. I also don't believe she knows anything about the course she studied, maybe she didn't even graduate. Some beg cap in hand but many run that department so no need to beg.

Some women never worked in their life but do much to show for not working, why many work but could barely buy a decent pair of shoes. It truly depends on the dynamics of the marriage. This woman is married to a mad man, she should know better.

Well, according to the story, she is a graduate.

So why're you lot dissing her educational background & qualifications?

edwife:
You are generalising and this is where the problem lies.I will repeat what I said on that thread:

1) Many women in Nigeria are not even stay at home mums by choice, the lack of jobs in the country force them to stay home and depend on their husbands. If everything the husband brings at home is spent on the family and they have nothing left, where and how will she raise a capital to start a business?

2)Not everyone has to have a white collar job, you can be a stay at home and as soon as the kids are of school age, you can decide to pursue other things and in a country like Nigeria, one needs to always think outside the box.Not many people are satisfied with their jobs, as long as it pays bills,they are okay.As much as I love what i do, i have plan to stop working for people and become my own Boss.

There aren't any generalizations within my post Eds. I've categorically stated (in the previous thread you're referring to), that I see how it can and can't work from both ends of the spectrum. (i.e stay at home vs working mums, within or outside Naija, with either a supporting/understanding husband or a with a man with contrary views). This example completely fits in with the classical example of a stay at home mum in Naija with a man who is non-supportive.

The 1^st and 2^nd points you make are contradictory to your follow on text. You start of by saying not many women in Nigeria are stay at home mothers by choice, yet you go on to mention that not everyone is cut out for a white collar job? If a woman isn't a stay at home mum by choice, it means that she wants to work, yes? And wouldn't stop searching till she gets what she wants, irrespective of the type of job she lands herself with, as long as it pays, abi? So why make the distinction between white collar jobs and non-white collar jobs? Of what relevance is that to a stay at home mum wanting to get back into employment?

edwife:
First of all, this woman has no excuse staying at home, she has kids in school and the eldest is 13 years old plus a house help, this is simply a case of a dummy woman.

Really?

But you also said this:

edwife:
In Nigeria or anywhere in the world, you can still live a very fulfilled life as long as it's YOUR choice or a joint decision with YOUR spouse.

So how do you know it wasn't a joint decision initially made and agreed upon, by both of them, for her to stay at home and tend to the kids? Additionally, how can you be sure that just because the oldest is 13 years (don't know where you got that from), that the younger ones aren't of primary school age? Or that her last child might even be a toddler? Just because she's been married for 14 years doesn't automatically imply that they started having kids immediately they tied the knot. For all we know, the couple could have been late starters with very young kids in tow right now - and if that's the case, then going by your earlier assertion, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to be at home looking after the little ones till they are of secondary school age, yes? So why call her a dummy then?

edwife:
Saying stay at home women in Nigeria who rely 100% on their husbands beg for money to buy sanitary towel ??

Well, this lady obviously does and has been doing so for the last 14 years.

edwife:
Please Efe housewife gets level.

Really? Never heard of these "housewife levels".

edwife:
Does Adaeze Yobo beg for sanitary towels? There are so many housewives who makes more than "working class" women out there that have savings,properties and assets.

And for every Adaeze Yobo, how many thousands of destitute housewives are out there, forced into a life of destitution by the choice to park their education and brains aside?

edwife:
I didn't beg for sanitary towels... neither do I know any of my friends who did.

Don't personalize it. Stick to the topic pls. This isn't about you, your friends, or the choices you made, neither is anyone on here judging your decision. I asked for your opinion of this story and nothing else.

edwife:
She is just an exception among many!

How so?

You're only saying this now after 14 years of an unhappy marriage with nothing to show for. Would you still have held the same opinion if this lady was in her first 5 years of marriage?

edwife:
Are we talking of Nigeria, where people go to work and still save nothing? Where people graduate and still jobless for 7 years? Where people go to work today and get sacked because the company wants to downsize or there is no money to pay them? Where people work for years without pay? Where graduates are paid 25k? She can be a PHD degree holder, as long as you live in Nigeria and doesn't have common sense to think about anything other than a white collar job, you are senseless!

I'm lost.

Did I miss something in the story that alludes to this lady not working because she wasn't able to think about anything else other then securing a white collar job? What's your fixation with women in "white collar jobs"?

edwife:
This woman and any other woman who thinks like her, is senseless and not a general case.I will repeat it again, it depends on the DYNAMIC of YOUR marriage.

Now you're going directly against what you've been preaching:

edwife:
My problem with people is this; Why do people always want to find holes in others? Why is my lifestyle or the way i choose to live or do things bother you so much? I just don't get these kind of human beings.So I question what they represent,it's baffling to me.

I think Nigerians have a problem, they compare their marriages,families with others.We are not all married to the same spouses,our marriages are not the same,we don't come from the same families,we are all different.

Why're you judging this woman now?

edwife:
KNOW WHO YOU MARRY!

And you think after 14 years she still doesn't know whom she married?

edwife:
ps: Why the emphasis on graduate? A graduate in Nigeria? Where some graduates can't even write a job application letter? What are the chances she even knows anything about the course she studied? Topic for another day.

Tut, tut.

Now you diss the Nigerian educational system. A bit generalistic, no?

And let me get a little bit personal here. I'm a Nigerian graduate and I know how to write a job application letter, plus I believe I know quite a lot about what I studied back there.

The responses on this thread!

Now this is exactly the sort of scenario I had in mind regarding stay at home mothers in Naija, 100% reliant on the man who go cap in hand begging for handouts while waiting meekly (and patiently) for him as he reluctantly counts the pennies / kobos for her to buy her sanitary pads.

A supposed "graduate" with nothing to show for after 14 years of marriage. Mtcheeew.

Cc: Edwife. Kimoni. Byvan03. Mindfulness.

Your views pls.

byvan03:
EfemenaXY, Nne your last lengthy paragraph nah die, the adjectives and adverbs worry me badly . How did she wait? She waited meekly . How did she beg? She begged cap in hand .

Lol! Free me jare.

thelish:
Yours is a special cucumber.
The one dat looks like a peeled banana or bottle of small stout.

Chei! Cucumbers have suffered oh!

bukatyne:
@Bold:

Very beautiful.

The concept of stay @ home mom in Nigeria and Abroad is two different things. Trust me, most Naija peeps against SHMs don't get it.

Lagos State was trying to push the six months mat leave, I don't know if they have started implementing it.

How are you and family?

Morning dear - we're all good oh. You and yours?

Waiting for my delayed train. I tire....

Looking forward to the Bank Holiday weekend sha

Lol! You don't give up, you?

You're right, purple is my favourite colour (how did you know that?) but not that pinkish shade. Purple as in royal purple is what I love.

Later babe

Siena:
[color=Blue]Good evening all.

This is an apology from myself to Ahnie.

I wrongly accused Ahnie of being in league with someone here who claimed to be in need of financial assistance, but his / her profile did not match that of one in distress.

Naturally, Ahnie was upset, and got a bit defensive and aggressive. Considering what she is going through, I should have simply modified my earlier posts, and left well alone. But, I did not, instead choosing to justify my actions. I am a cheerful person, and I could sort of see the humorous side of our row.

Anyway, all is well. Ahnie, I apologise unreservedly. I pray the good Lord guides yourself and your family through a difficult time. You're strong Ahnie, and I know you'll pull through.

All the best, and give my love to Zino. Take care of yourself, and best wishes. [/color]

ahnie:
MiGWO Ose.i'll remodify my posts before this week runs out n take down those inventives of mine.like i said earlier....ayam sorry.

Awwwww....

Siena, Ahnie, Iniovo mė - mė wò wa gaga (uzezi)

SAMBARRY:
Ok let me stop here for now

How you see those outfits efemena?

Gorgeous abi?

This is the worst! Did you add this in as a joke??

The colour is too shocking. Too heavy. I don't like the dress especially the frills around the arms. Is she from outer space? And her hairstyle is awful!!

And the shoes??!! I hate them. I hate this pic!! She's even bleached her legs!!!

Score: -15%

***sobs uncontrollably on Sambarry's shoulder, soaking her top in tears...***

SAMBARRY:
Another classy and sophisticated outfit for efemena

Absolutely not.

The oversized shirt barely covers her massive hips. I don't like it.

Score: 20%

SAMBARRY:
This is like for a friend's birthday party or an office party. This one will look good on efemena

Maybe the pink one but not the blue one - lovely materials / fabrics. My only grouse with the blue one is the cape. She wan fly? And definitely not the white one. I told you I don't like A-liner dresses and pointed shoes.

Scores: 65%, 45%, 20%

SAMBARRY:
And this is snazzy for efemena maybe like when you're going out on a date with your man or a dinner party with your office colleagues

Bam

Lol! Okay. But a size or two smaller. White outfits are sexy for slim fits. That model is too fat big for this outfit.

Score: 75%