₦airaland Forum

I love when we can hear both sides to a story.

Jessie21, you have self-esteem issues, and your parents have not done enough to prevent you from falling into the hands of an ignorant man. Your parents helped in making you vulnerable to him. This conclusion was borne out of the fact that they couldn't see you through school. That is, 40k WAEC fees.

I notice you write very well compared to him. His actions, perspectives and decisions, reeks of illiteracy and ignorance, which shows you can do better.

Mr Uwamari (AutoB24), man to man, please let her be. Allow her grow into a woman that can make better decisions. I think you took advantage of her vulnerable self, and equally ignorant parents.

If after becoming the woman of her dreams, in few years, and she decides to come back to you. All good. Atleast, she will be making the decision with her eyes open and on her own terms!

One question, if you don't mind... How old are you both?

Please note, these are my own personal efforts, and in no way aimed at being general...

The efforts I made started even before I asked her out. First, we were friends, cos there are unique traits humans exhibit during friendship and during courtship. These traits are sometimes different, especially when dealing with a desperate partner. In my case, the traits that endeared me to her during friendship were the same during courtship.

Physically speaking, she might've only passed above average for me, but since I loved every other thing aside her above average looks, I sought the face of God personally, for guidance. God okayed her perfectly. 5years of marriage... I now know why.

It was pretty easy, cos she loved me too, obviously. During our friendship, it was glaring I had what she wanted in a man. We have similar IQ levels, so communication wasnt a problem. Jokes were easily understood. We have a similar background. Our stories pans out good, so intuition were at par. Spirituality was top notch, cos its important our irons sharpens one another, to ensure growth in all areas.

During dating, more endearing qualities shone and i loved her even more.

In all honesty, before we started dating, I didn't have plans for marriage, but the signs were too overwhelming for me to allow her stay any longer in her father's house eventually.

In marriage, there were issues, but the qualities we both share helped us communicate, understand and trash out issues easier. It wasn't easy, especially the first 1year, but we tarried, and here we are.

As couples, we support one another wholeheartedly. No major decision is made without the input of one another. No ego is raised over the other person, and she has remained submissive. Building documents bear both our names. This is to ensure inclusiveness and trust, and she has reciprocated without any push, even without asking.

One way we've learnt to trash out issues, is to chat it out, mainly on WhatsApp, cos we've since learnt that raising our voices doesn't achieve anything. Even when we fight, we ensure we still share the same bed, so discords never last beyond a day. This is so because we're both always willing to resolve issues, and meet at a common ground.

I can write a book on the journey thus far, but I will stop here. Still learning tho.

baysol:
Americans are morons like their president. Imagine a president telling idiots like these armed ones to injest disinfectant to cure Corona virus. What a nard. These are people Africans want to following instead of their well experienced and tested elder statements which has stood the test of time and still effective . An African will rather ignore his or her father's advice maybe because he's illiterate but will rather gobble up every wrong western teaching. They forget there is no better teacher than experience and this cuts across all spectrum of human endeavour.

I got some responses to my posts up there, but i often don't respond, because a lot of people here can't engage in an intellectual discussion. I'd advise you don't waste your energy on boys that would prostrate when they see you physically.

I called them free slaves, because in their eyes, these western countries can do no wrong. Trust me, they prefer Africa in the state it is. They thrive in our ignorance. A slave has no identity. This is why excuses are always given for their slave masters, even when they are wrong.

Africans have an identity crisis, and until this is taken care of, we head no where. The worst mistake the Westerners have ever made, was allowing Africans access to the internet and cable TV. Their imperfection is now out for everyone to see. Unfortunately, the free slaves won't still see these things, with their slavery mindsets!!!

Africans will build Africa, not Americans or Europeans!

I'm waiting to see free slaves justifying this irrational acts by almighty Americans.

This can escalate into something very serious, if not nipped in the bud asap.

Oya, compare with Nigeria as usual, and suck America's peepee.

I've said it several times on this platform. Too many half baked men are being bred these days, and to think hes 39 is more appalling.

If we make findings, we would realise your parents indulged you, growing up.

Imagine the reasons he listed for marrying a wife! How old are you again?

Even if you steal, why not use it for something worthwhile for the people of the state. Hotels all the time. Why not hospitals, schools, production coys etc.

Well, as they say, you cant give what you don't have.

I have a female child as my first, and wish for a boy for a second, and most likely final.

Reason: Variety, no other reason.
I'd always wanted a female as my first tho.

It's all fantastic when you debate gender, especially when you've never had to wait for years to conceive a child.

Next time, have this debate with a couple who have been waiting for the fruit of the womb for a minimum of 5years, and see how useless some opinions I see here are.

Our experiences sometimes limit how far we see. At the end, we realise a lot of things don't matter.

Generally speaking, this unwarranted importance allotted to the male gender, is one of the reasons we have half baked men everywhere. They assume leadership roles in families because they are males, not because they are actually fit to be leaders.

Parents unknowingly or deliberately pamper them growing up, by excusing them from responsibilities, while the female children undergo homefront leadership trainings.

Might be genetic. Have you tried looking inwards?

Leave Presidents and Governors for a while. You see these guys... Councillors, Chairmen, Baale, Kings, Commissioners etc. They are the major problem of this country.

Guess what? We don't know their names. We only know the governors and President's names.

No one is saying Africa - Nigeria, doesn't have its deficiencies. Major, if you might say. But what is despicable is the way Nigeria is always dragged, sometimes for no reason, by American and European wannabes.

Criticize with purpose and not with glaring mockery. Encourage where need be. Assist if you can and proffer solution.

Let me ask a question, have you ever thought of the mockery Nigeria wouldve been subjected to, if the numbers of Covid 19 in the US and Nigeria were swapped? I'm sure you wouldve said Nigeria is a shithole, and couldn't manage flu like the US, your slave masters.

Remember, no matter where you go, no matter the citizenship cards you get, the natives will always remind you from time to time, that you're not one of them.

I love the way we are all quiet about the age range of the presidential aspirants in the US. Let me guess, its US! They can do no wrong!!

For reference purposes:
Joe Biden: 77 years old
Donald Trump: 73 years old
Bernie Sanders: 78 years old

One of the first two WILL win.

Nigeria may not be great, but it won't be great if leaders and citizens alike don't make it great. We drag it through the mud each time with negative narratives.

Roughly one and half years.

At least this will curb a situation where an SSCE holder with F9 all through, unable to contest for political posts.

At the barest minimum, you will require 4/5 credits to apply and earn a diploma...ND/HND.

Its not enough, but its progress, if passed and signed into law.

How does the headline reflect the content of the letter?

Let's say he marries you, would you like to share him with his numerous girlfriends?

Let's say you are the "winner", do you think he will suddenly drop the girlfriends he doesn't even hide from you, as a sign of respect?

You will never be exclusive, even for a sec.

No advice for you, cos you know what to do already.

He should be different from other governors and save Bayelsa from parasites that have been feasting on it for years.

All these sudden spiritual gymnastics isnt what Bayelsa needs. They need a leader with a different mindset.

In truth, PDP have been a curse to Bayelsa.

To buttress the OP's views...

I read this story and i laughed... i laughed hard because marriage is complex and is often more that what meets the eye.

Do you know the couple's story? They alone, know why they act in the manner they do. Look! how a woman or wife react in marriage is borne more of the input of the husband. What you see is what you get.

Let me ask you a question? Do you think the woman would've reacted the same way, if the man is often of the habit of squandering family cash on irrelevant things, stays away from the house with girlfriends, ignores the wife, does not carry the wife along in major decisions and does not take care of the home?

Young men, don't read hastily. The man the OP depicted up there is a responsible man. Most women align with their husbands easily, when the man is doing the needful.

The man has done enough for the reward you saw for few moments. Men, that reward doesn't come automatically. You work for it!!!

My response is not for the OP, because s/he has done justice with the points given thereafter. My response is for men who might read hastily, and assume the wife's behaviour is follow-come.

Psalme91:
please forgive me for speaking like an ungrateful person, I am not ungrateful to God, I am really grateful to him for blessings me with my daughters, I was frustrated because of my husband behaviour that why I spoke like an ungrateful but I can never be ungrateful to God, my husband families, they treat me badly with all all kinds of bad names, the mother of prostitutes, it really hurts my heart, even my husband supports his mother and his sisters for maltreating me , I know when they will be aware that this baby it’s another a girl, I can imagine how they will be treating me even worse than before. my heart is bleeding a lot. my husband hasn’t returned since yesterday, he doesn’t pick up his phone and he doesn’t want to answer my text, I feel bad, I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried a lot and thinks too much, I’m at work and I can’t even concentrate. I'm really sorry for all the bad things I said out of ignorance , I can never be ungrateful to God. thank you very much

Singles, marry enlightened men, and discuss these issues before marriage. This is beyond ignorance. Its plain wickedness. Your husband and his family should do their worst.

Sometimes, I wish i could blame God for giving some people children.

While some people have stayed years even without a miscarriage, someone is here crying for having 5 children.

Couples are out there hoping for at least a positive pregnancy test. Even if the baby doesn't term, all they want to know is their ability to conceive children.

No advice for you. I'm not happy with ingrates.

You people make girl children feel unwanted, whereas, in practical terms, the girl child has proven more useful than 10 sons. Check your families.

I want to ask a question, has the method of impregnating people changed? Cos I find it surprising how people get shocked when their girlfriends get pregnant, despite "having plans".

Did the pregnancy jump on the lady without sex?

"Minor" decisions young people make sometimes dictate how they lead the rest of their lives.

Use your brains young people. It's there for a reason.

I'm sure the girlfriend's behaviour didn't just pop up. Honestly, the situation isnt fair on the both of you.

Last line, never have unprotected sex with people you have reservations marrying or ready for a family.

Simple! Cant be too hard...

Another misplaced priority.

OP needs to define what he means by "weaker" and "stronger".

Could've responded, but its vague.

Fans are celebrities' major problem. Where in his caption did he say the cars are his?

Pls let them be.

That's how they keep focusing on small, irrelevant matters, while the real marriage stares at them in the face.

I like the fact that you admitted your wrong. I'm elated at that fact, cos that's the first step to healing.

Now, you have a fantastic set up in a wife. She's the best person to bring you back on track, having come from a stable family. Try and listen to her more.

See, permanent change is deliberate. You MUST be ready to unlearn whatever you've learnt from your family and make a heartfelt decision never to go down that road again, else you'll destroy your family.

First off, do away with alcohol, it won't help at this point.

Do not lose your wife and get closer to God. A lot have been trivialised with spirituality, but I tell you, a sincere and committed relationship with God will help a great deal.

Newsflash: a lot of us grew up in abusive homes, but a deliberate attempt not to be like where we come from helped and still helping us sail through. No be only you dey this boat. Work on yourself bro.

Shalom.

Sometimes the only reason I post on Nairaland is to change a narrative. Because I find it difficult to understand the normalisation of wrong things.

This narrative has made young men think the behaviour of some elders is normal. OP, your father's behaviour is abnormal, and must never be seen as normal.

I had a similar upbringing, so it's not new to me. However, you see these men, they only prefer to do things at their own time, without having to explain to anyone.

His attitude towards your mum isn't really your concern, cos you dont know the full gist. They've been together long before you were born.

So, like they've said, dust yourself up and stand like a man. At 27, you're no longer a kid, and these things should be clear to you by now.

On no account should you hate your father. Do without him, but dont hate him. Atleast think of those nice things he has done in the past, cos even the devil has it's good days.

You know what I do to people like your dad, I see them as dead!

Why are you staying in your husband's brother's house with 5 children?

Something is definitely wrong in the home front. Why are we increasingly having incompetent men?

No shame whatsoever!!

Your wife's family BANKROLLED your wedding. Except the OP doesn't know the meaning of bankroll tho, or shes exaggerating.

You start borrowing from wife's family members without repayment.

No shame!!!

Yet some people will be rating men above women, just because they have a penis? Some men are shit! A disgrace.

OP, your approach to the request is a bit too direct, just as some people have said. It's a process and in fact, if communication is done properly, she would suggest it herself, not you forcing it down her throat.

However, your wife's response/reaction is too bad for a would be wife. Is this how she would resolve issues when they crop up later in the marriage? How about dialogue?

Her reaction is suspicious tho. No normal human being will go mute just like that, without a cogent reason.

Let's hear from her.

We don't have to always have an opinion on every topic. Topics I don't understand fully or have an experience in, I don't comment.

This is strictly for married folks who have had to deal with this issue at one point or another. Please if you're unmarried or haven't experienced what the OP is saying as a married person, please flee from this discuss, so you don't confuse people.