₦airaland Forum

akigbemaru:
Ha ha ha, long distance indeed! If you don't grab your man another girl will take him. If you think because you are married to him he can't talk to his family again you are wrong.
A lot of ladies out there always think that once they get married nobody has the right to command their husband besides them.
I may put your husband on the same analogy with me. When I wanted to travel; I barely saw anybody to help other than my mum and my sisters. If you are they type of girl who doesn't know how I grew up and just want me to tell my family to hit the door just because of her, I ain't stupid. If you love me you have got to love my family too.

shesi:
I'm with you Akigbemaru

some women, infact, most women, just love love love to play the victim when it comes to domestic problems.

all of you busy here calling the husband an idiot, have you heard what he has to say? the OP could very well be playing things up. If he hit her in any way, then that's wrong. obviously. but i dont believe that for one minute. it's sounds to me she's angry and just adding things up to make the cast herself as the victim and make the guy look bad.

look its only women who get married and think their marriage life is their everything and all else comes second. Us men dont think like that. This guy probably goes to visit his mum every weekend and that is what she is complaining about o?

in my experience 90% of the stories women have to tell about their mother in laws are lies. from the stories my mother used to tell about my father's mother to the stories i hear women telling today. they are all rubbish.

my cousin's wife was complaining because his mom calls him every week to find out how he is. the wife said that's too much and that it is intefering. when she told me and i said i dont see any big deal, i'm sure she will be telling her friends how her husband's family are ganging up against her to make her marriage a living hell.

topup:
Hi,

You're not alone, the exact same thing happened to someone that is very close to me, it all depends on whether the guy changes, luckily for us he changed - but probably by force, but before he changed, she had to create some physical distance.

A cruel man who controls everything i.e. money, life, when you get pregnant can abuse these. He knows you can't fend off for yourself, that you have to ask or beg before you can get any money, and it's like all your decisions are in your hands. Another man may nurture his wife and protect her, and encourage her to achieve her goals, maybe even to start her own career.

Your husband has got you in such a bad position because he probably thinks that you will never be able to leave, his mum and sister probably give him bad advice and they probably encourage him to beat you to 'keep you in line'.

Well, it was about 20 years after everything started that the mother-in-law apologised. Can you picture the gravity of a 80+ year old woman (husband's mother) and her 40+ year old daughters on their knees begging for forgiveness to the woman? Miracles happen. People change, but you can't rely on them, you have to use wisdom, this could be a very dangerous environment for your children.

What are your options?

KnowAll:
I don’t normally dabble into controversial issues of men of God, that is because I have the fear of God at heart.


The problem with some of us, or how else do I put this message across, may God help me here, some of us are men of honour in our day to day lives, we are urshers in our churches, we are exemplary fathers to our children on daily basis, scolding them for the use of foul languages, we are good husbands to our wives. We are exemplary staffs to our numerous bosses and those of us that own our business are very good bosses to our staff.

But when we come on the internet, I think it is the allure of being incognito and the anonymity that makes us loose our moral fabric and judgement, some of the pronouncement and crass talk that some of our suppose soldiers of Christ come out with would have made the Pharisees and Sadducees employ some of us as top attorney for the devil. On the one hand we believe in God on the other hand it is an acceptable norm for us to come out and preach against men of God, pastor bashing has become a favourite past time, I don’t care about atheist bashing pastors, what else do you expect from atheist anyway, but those of us who claim to be born again Christains who uses the cloak of secrecy the internet guarantees us as an advantage to score a cheap shot at men of God be warned.

What some of us don’t know is, when the lord says you will be blessed a thousand fold, where do you anti-christ think the money, fortune, blessing would come from. You think God will print or build a house for you, it would only come from the unbelievers. If for example it is true that Obasanjo gave pastor Adebayo a plane, if he Obasanjo were to own up to the man of God, that the money that I use to buy you this gift was from the missing $ 16 billion electricity fund. Do any serious christain think Daddy GO will accept it. Some of us Christians must without hesitation retrace our steps and ask, beg God for forgiveness because he sees all, even the anonymity of the internet will not protect and save you on the day of judgement.

As for the non believers what else can I say more grease to your elbows, kudos for a good job your time of reckoning is coming soon.

Gekko:
Turai Yaradua will not succeed in her efforts to foist her sick and ineffectual husband on us Nigerians for another 4 years in Jesus name we pray!!  AMEN!!!

Seun:
What is the source of this story?  We need it before posting on the front page.  Can't find it.

Why Turai Yar’Adua Should Be Nigeria ’s Next President
After almost 60 years of independence, Nigeria has got to a stage where we can have a woman president. Secondly, when that man assumed duty, everybody thought she would be the docile kind of Northern woman. But this woman, within a very short time, took control of her office and you can see. The other day, I watched her on television in South Africa and everybody was beaming on her instead of the husband. Again, she was in Europe . I have not met her since she became the First Lady. She comes out with the impression that this is a woman that is in charge of the mechanics of control in the Presidency. Thirdly, [b]Mrs. Yar’Adua has never made a promise to anybody and failed. Anybody who has cried to her and said Madam, I need your support, if she says yes she will support you, that person comes out being supported instantly. I know of a woman whose husband died and this woman met Mrs. Yar’Adua at a function in one of her visits and cried to her. She just went up to her and said mummy, this is my problem. She told her ADC to take the woman’s name and asked the woman to come the next day. The woman came and said I want this and that. Mrs. Yar’Adua said I have no money to give you. But I will talk to one of my children to help you. She spoke to the Managing Director of a parastatal and that woman was given a contract. Nobody demanded a kobo from this woman. She went and solved her problems. She is a widow with six children from Southern Kaduna . There are many instances like that. That woman is in control and when she talks, you see her radiate with confidence. She will be a better representative of the Yar’Adua family dynasty at this stage than the husband.[/b] [size=18pt] this is best reason for makin g her president quickly. [/size]

Anti-Women Campaign In The North Is Over    
That is gone. We are now in the 20th century where women are chief executives of parastatal agencies and where you have women as ministers. If a woman can be a minister, why can’t a woman be president? What I’m saying here is that President  Yar’Adua in 2008 told Nigerians that he will not go for a second term. He said that and it was published in the media. But if the presidency must remain in Katsina State and in the Yar’Adua family, they have a competent representative in Mrs. Turai Yar’Adua. I have never seen her use any note in addressing any conference. You can then see that that woman is competent. It’s about time Nigeria produce a female president and the only two candidates I have are my sister, Mrs. Dora Akunyili and Mrs. Turai Yar’Adua. But on this case, because the Presidency must be in the North until 2015, Turai Yar’Adua is the candidate that I’m recommending to Nigerians.We heard Akunyili is governing for the governorship of her state. Do you think she has what it takes to be the Governor of Anambra State?

chosen04:
@ Poster,

Please kindly look for your hubby and beg him to come home. Pray he is fine cos his family may even accuse you of wrong doing if anything happens to him, since you have not notified them of his disappearance or reported at the police station. u are really a hardened woman.
woman[/color][/b].

7 days is not 7 hours ooooooooooo

whether I'm 39 or 59 has no bearing on your extremely rude and irritating manner on this forum, or didnt your parents teach you the importance of civil discussion.

djcrucifix:
 forgiveness is an important factor in a relationship but when the guy doesn't want to change. u had better discard the bloke ASAP

EdororAppl:
hahahahaha

But seriously, thank you for your time.
God Bless

Banderas:
if you don't test drive, you might want a porsche and end up with a sharp 1975 beetle. There's people's private habits and personal hygene. There's also sexual compatibility to consider.

If you live in a culture where people don't divorce (because society frowns on it, not because they don't want to), then you're cool. I know many people in Naija who are locked in unhappy marriages, and so spend all their time at work, and at clubs and bars in order to avoid going home.

Here are the facts: Love doesn't last forever. Sex isn't always good. Some men/women are extremely untidy/dirty. And for my christian brothers/sisters, it IS possible to be unequaly yoked with a believer.

This lady keeps quoting the cohabitation opinions without doing her research. In the western world, people who cohabitate also share other things - expenses, and very often the mortgage for their house. That article explained that those people tended to get married more because they were tied together financially than because they were in love. Quoting an incomplete article is baseless. Reacting to a phenomenom without knowing the cause is unwise.

Ujujoan:
You might think what I said was immature, but its the harsh reality. Its good for you, you had a good marraige but lost it, you expect every man to beleive it was your ex's fault? Even if you were right, most men wont want to take the chances.

Why do you think Men dont want to marry single women in their mid/late 30s. Nobody wants someone who they think have been rejected by others. And then imagine if she has children!!

I'm a lady, single one at that, so I'm totally on your side. But we have to face the truth okay?

iyeayo:
Dear Poster,

Let me first of all acknowledge the honesty in your story.

I am a woman like you, married for 4 years now. I presume you are a stubborn woman like me so I will put myself in your shoes.
The very first mistake you made in this matter was to have called him back when he made his way out. Men usually do this when they want to avoid beating their wives and you should have left him to go away and cool down. That would have saved the day. how do we train up people believing fighting is ok let alone beating?. i know we have some shameless insulting lunatics amongst our women but that is no excuse to beat up any woman.

Your second mistake is that you have accepted beating as part of your marriage. Otherwise, the very first time it happened should have been the last if you handled it very well. Once upon a time, in the heat of a quarrel, I dared my husband and he hit me just slightly. The first thing I did was to call his role models - his sister and his uncle and told them every thing. My husband couldnt believe I could go that far for a 'little' hit, he felt ashamed and sober. Its been almost a year now and I keep reminding him each time he asks me why I am less romantic these days.

Your third mistake is that you lack respect for your husband, otherwise you would not exchange words with him or hit him with a stick regardless. You husband seem to lack respect for you too, but let me tell you one truth, 'Respect demands respect'. Show some respect and you will most likely see a reciprocal.

Now my advise for you is try to be sure he is fine but dont let him know you are looking for him. it may be hard, but let him get over it himself. Call one of his close family members (just one trusted family memeber) and tell him/her the whole story. Then tell the police about his disappearance. Continue with your life. I hope you are working and can fend for yourself.

zugoboss:
U said u needed opinions & someone gave u one & u're pissed off so what do u really want? Assuming u were the one will u get married to a second hand woman that has been married for over 10yrs with kids? when there are lots of fresh young ladies out there only a widower or divorcee will do that plus the kids which are extra burden.Truth is bitter

Ujujoan:
Who wants second-hand when there are new ones all over ?

Sorry. Dint mean to offend you. But no man wants the extra baggage. They'll rather be with a woman who they r sure her first child is theirs. I dont want to marry a man with kids myself!!

oilfielden:
@Fiona007,

Thanks for your response.I have tried so many times to push her to search for job,but wrtitting good job application and preparing for interviews is another subject and I dont want to discuss that now.

I,m oilfield worker (Petroleum Engineer) and spend my time overseas more than I have time to know whats going on the local job market.Please if you have places she could try even for a volunteer job.I will really appreciate any response here (samsones2000@yahoo.com).

I,m still findind diffcult to understand what shes good at but I have seen alot of limitations.Many tmes she say I push her too much and that my expectations are many,I,m trying to stop that and see her grow if she CAN show by example on her own not talking,talking.

Consultant:
Wisdom is profitable to direct, I say. My husband eventually went back to school for his masters when the job was not forthcoming. He now works for an oil company. If I had been bad to him when he was job hunting, I would be paying for it now. Just food for thought.

Consultant:
Interestingly my husband and I are in this situation right now. Not because he's lazy but simply because i got to the US first and he does not yet have the authorization to work. While he's struggling to settle down, i am glad to work and provide for the family. Besides, when i was in school, he was the one working and providing for me. We are both christians and strong believers in the maxim that what one person has in marriage equally belongs to the other person as well . Nobody is giving anybody pocket money. Even when we were dating, i knew how much he was earning and he knew how much i was earning, and we planned our expenses together. We have a joint account for all our household expenses and personal accounts for our own little expenses. We make our budegt together and we each get a fixed amount as pocket money for our personal accounts every month. When he starts working, we will still have the same pattern. I know my husband is a different breed from most Nigerian men - he gladly looks after our daughter while i work and he does not take out the frustrations of job hunting on me at all. I think all couples should operate this way when it comes to spending regardless of who s working and who is not.

ybab:
does anyone know if really the embassy calls the bank to verify the total money (closing credit balance) in a genuine bank statement submitted to them?

taryour:
@ybab according to my account officer she said banker will dislose som1 account balance 2 a second party for a personal account unless thru court order the embassy can only ask for the genuity of d doc and confirm if the account holder really exist

tkb417:
excellent!!!!

Poster pls ask him if he can do this if hes in your situation

Mister
when they lock her husband up, will you become her husband?
when she starts sleeping outside, will that guarantee hapiness?

delete your post

touchmeder:
For the love of God, why should she call the cops or start bring inlaws in? she said it is not something he does regularly though he hit her once previously. i am not and have never been in support of a man that beat his wife but calling the cops here makes no sense.
Both of you were wrong hitting you while you held the baby is just insane i am trying to understand that. why would he have done that? are you sure you were telling him to come back in the house or insulting him?  he must have been out of his mind and angry at that stage i dout if he was even thinking at all though that is not an excuse.
hitting him the next day with a stick was insane as well. two wrongs never made a right
Madam i suggest you leave inlaw people out of this matter, leave police first i beg you. call your husband, if it goes to voice mail fine. just call him make sure he is ok let him know he is needed at home. i suggest speaking to a trusted family friend or pastor if you guys are christians. an impartial party who will advise you both and let him know its  big sin to beat a woman and if you provoke him or you are too haughty, the time is right to take lessons in humility. please please please pray too and apologise to him. if he has enough sense he should apologise too (if not for anything for hitting you while you held the baby)even though he might be to proud to do it first. keep talking all the time rmb communication. it is well

your story funny with style sha

ThoniaSlim:
I'm glad you finally see where I'm coming from. . .I lost a family friend to this same issue and almost lost an aunt to this same issue. . .The bastard kept on beating her. . .and she was then 7months pregnant with her twins.  . .now in such situation some blind peeps would come and tell me she should have still stayed married to a demented fool who can beat up a pregnant woman just because she wants to keep the married status?

geez some women need to be woken up!

omar22:
The guy could easily walk away and wait for her to cool down, raging woman could do anything when they are angry and they dont fight fairly, if a gun is in sight dont be shocked if she heads for it,

tkb417:
call the cops?
what if shes the one always on the assault?
the story didnt say

Omowunmimi:
Please watch those [b] that advise you call the cops- Kindly separate their culture from ours, pick those that can give you happy home and discard the so call ' I am your wife for God sake' Remember he is your Husband too . [/b]I dont know if you are a Muslim or Christian but both book separate the role of Husband and wife, there is a way you will eat your food and you will be call thief (proverb). You did not ask him to stay back in the feminine voice expected of a wife. He is avoiding crisis ,that is why he always leave the house. You should have been more submissive (not saying you turn to a fool) . Some men will not do the best thing that is good for them because a woman ordered them to do it. Meanwhile tell your In laws about everything and please when all this is over (Gods willing) try and open a good communication medium between you and your Husband. Avoid third party advise to influence you. Marriage is sweet after all. The Bible said a good wife protect her home(I dont know the verse -I am sorry)  I wish you all the best. Send a text message and show how sorry you are even though he hurts you. Later when both of you are in good mood. You let him know what he always do that hurts you. May Almighty God guides and guards you more.

You should have been more submissive (not saying you turn to a fool) . Some men will not do the best thing that is good for them because a woman ordered them to do it.

Proverbs 14 : 1  EVERY WISE woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands

agabaI23:
Does your husband do drugs?

Do you have normal communication with him when u are not quarelling?

tamarack:
Thanks guys
It's just a one off,but i could remember he hit me last year ,just one smash

@AG ABA ,I haven't called his number bc i know it will enter voicemail,he is the type
that doesn't charge his phone.He also left his charger

candyshore:
[b]have u prayed for him, if u havent then go on your kneees to pray for him. d late pastor bimbo said dat a misbehaving husband is as a sign to d wife dat she is missin out somewere, maybe u re not praying. but anyway am sure he will come back, and if he does pray with him and talk to someone u know he listens to.[/b]

sir t:
@ Poster,

Co-cohabiting is not good in all facet. It is against God's wish. Aside from that, moraly, it is not an ideal thing to engage in. It deprives the parties especially the lady your dignity.

But I noticed one thing from the responses of nlanders------we are all liars. People are speaking against premarital sex as if they are not engaging themselves in such act. Does it means all Nlanders are virgins? Stop deceiving urselves. 90% of nlanders engaged in pre-marital sex. I can boldly call them active fornicators------- may God have mercy on us

crazykid:
It doesn’t work because people change; love is stronger when both partners are close to each other.

You can’t be living on one end of the earth and be dating a girl from another end of the earth and expect such a relationship to work out; it would never work.

hbabe:
Not for me.  I will not trust any guy to be loyal.

THE AMAKA:
this man! chie!
how can you ask for advice and then you dont want to hear it.
everyone here is telling you to leave her alone, and you are arguing!
i dont understand what your point was of asking the question in the first place, if your mind is made up.

[size=28pt]  you are a PEDOPHILE
leave this poor girl alone and go for your own age group.[/size][/size], PERIOD!!


fake love! dont you know young kids always think they are in love, they dont know what REAL love is. trust me ive seen it over and over and over again.
even for the most mature people. they always think they are in love and it never works.
stop ROBBING this girl of her childhood. allow her to focus on her studies without distractions.