₦airaland Forum

Sister Shy!

This is false. Please erase from your mind this manipulative means of supressing who you REALLY are all in the name of respecting culture. I'm not saying be disrespectful when you are in naija. But you can still maintain your ideals by being polite and FIRM. Please erase from your mind that I as a man am not subjected and immune from supressing myself all in the name of respecting culture. I am Yoruba, and one of the most important values in my culture is Respect (for elders). I have had to deal with so-called family who have the audacity to tell me how to run my life, when to breath, and what to do with my hard-earned money, etc. People who don't give a flying porkchop if I am breathing or dead. And you know what? I fought them all! By standing my ground but never being disrespectful. You had better brace yourself like a soldier about to go into a warzone if you want to live in naija. The only language people understand in naija is "firmness." Don't misunderstand this for being disrespectful. But take this is me telling you that you owe no man, woman or beast any apology for maintaining your beliefs and value-system. There is alot of jealousy, hatred, bitterness and deceit in naija. Lots of pretentious people too. Many brothers/sisters on this forum who are in diaspora will even attest that they face people with these xteristics even amongst their own family members back home. Niggaz who will try and "take you for yours."

Please don't let noone intimidate you, or brainwash your personal ideals away by turning you into an apologizing butler. Otherwise they will run over you in naija while you are trying to grow your business. Be Firm, be respectful, and be FIRM. Be a soldier.

I was raised by a single mother in naija. She took crap from no being. I watched it with my own two eyes. And she was respected. You can be the same!


And that's word to your fore-father's butler baby!!

MRbrownJAY:
@poster
- some people are unhappy yet still LOVE their partner and therefore hope for a better future.
- some people are unhappy but dishonest and therefore will pretend all is great and you would never know anything is wrong.
- in 9ja, i would certainly understand why a person would be unhappy and stay married "for show". marriage is synonymous with "happiness".- the religious fanatics would rather die than divorce so they stay in their miserable r/ship and pray for better days.
- it takes a very strong person (or a very bad deed) to walk away from a 5+ yr r/ship. if it's just a temporary unhappiness then it could be salvaged/dealt with, but if it is long term unhappiness then something MUST be fixed!
- for children/family. some people believe it's better to stay for the kids while it's actually worse for them to see their parent fighting/abusing each other and being miserable.
- for comfort. divorce could mean moving back to their parents house so some people rather stay married and miserable.
- and of course MONEY!!!! if someone has been used to the GOOD life, it's hard going back to being a common person!

Bros-man.

Very true in deed. I know too many couples in naija who are married to the public eye, and divorced behind closed doors. You will be amazed to find out some people you even know might be in this category, but because our society is all about "image" they are more concerned about what outsiders think, while they are miserable behind closed doors.

Shy-One:
^^^

my apologies to you for my silver, sharp tongue.   

at times, it gets me into trouble - I do try to control it many times - I am trying to get better in that regard.

Sister Shy!

Why the apologies? Why give a flying porkchop about other people's opinions about you? Especially in a faceless forum where you can freely state your opinions. A difference of opinion is exactly what it is. You can't please everyone and you will always have people who will criticize your ideals. Stand for what you believe in and don't let people stop you from "doing and being YOU." Take no beings bull$hit.

I have pissed off a good number of crows on this forum because I state what I feel and simply because it isn't in synch with their beliefs. Do I give a flying porkchop? Absolutely not. For example, broke @ss crows. They would be pissed off at me because I spoke my mind. Do I care? Will I lose a second of sleep? Fat NO.

So quit apologizing and be you Sister. We don't have to agree, but we can always respect our differences.

People. .

It's ok poster has to admire himself since noone else does.

Some people say Dating leads to Courting. Not always the case. There are some rear and old fashioned hard-core courters who talk about marriage from day "0." With that being said, the difference between dating and courting is that dating doesn't necessarily come with the expectation of marriage at the end of its "term." Dating could simply be for companionship and that alone. No permanent commitment or intent to make a covenant with that person. Some people also date to "learn more about themselves" through experiences with different people.

Courtship has this implied pressure. Pressure that comes from the expectations of marriage. Courters present their partners to family members (Parents, siblings etc.) and as a result, there are not only expectations from partners, but the family of partners. They all want to make sure that you are worthy of their son, daughter, brother, sister, etc.

Personally, I would rather date because there is less pressure.

Pendo is the Ish man. Lots of intelligence in this woman. And that's word to your fore-father's "fada.".

lovedgal:
@pendo89, I know, right!? An 11-headed monstrous snake,  jeez!

can u name the 11 heads? i hope im not one ooo. you know i said that your man should help you out since you had unforseen circumstances that threw off your budget. but i feel that it is not his duty to pay your bills on the regular since you arent his wife.

@pendo. - wassup cupcake? you good?

andromida:
they do but if in a rship at some point if the girl goes to spend weeks/weekends/months in a guys house or vice versa the boundary lines thins out and we all know that when a woman begins to spend long period of times in a man's house consciously or unconsciously she begins to supply household services and intimate services to the man as such the woman may begin to have wifely expectations from the man.

i said i wasnt going to add to this endless thread again, but dang! i just couldnt sit and keep shut  

sis, what you said above applies to women also. Women will begin to expect a man to take out the trash, wash her car, do her landscaping and other physically demanding activities (husband's roles) if the man was at her place for an extended period of time.

Sis, you can't harbor this old fashioned mentality that sex is a one-way street where the only beneficiary is the woman. the supply is going both ways and why would a woman feel she needs to be compensated because she is "doing me a favor?" what am I a blow-up doll? Does it not take work to tongue her down, smack her booty up, twist her like a pretzel, "roll out the red carpet" for her (this is the phrase I use for going down on a woman), wearing her *ssy out etc.? If that's the mentality being harbored here should I now expect that I should be compensated also? Absolutely not. Should I now expect her to treat me like a husband because I'm performing these "duties." No.

Sis. If you truly love someone in the first place, whatever you give should be that. No expectations otherwise it would be a "trade."

^^^^^

Been married once before?

@ Shyone:

Very good. So when are you lot getting married?

@ Shyone

It's understandable somewhat. This relationship would work only with a man who doesn't have a problem having this high level of comittment that you and your man have. While this is brave of him (and you), to have this level of commitment and not be married, I would tell you that I can't do that. You guys sound like you are already married. But you are no "ashewo." You just happen to be a brave woman who takes some very high risks (partnership with your man who you are not married to). If you truly give as much as you say you do, then yes, it's understandable why a stingy man wouldn't be acceptable. Or a broke @ss man. I like the way you think creatively and find business opportunities!

Shy-One:
If my man doesn't invest in US - I don't want him in my life.

I am in his corner and he is in my corner

Sister, I respect and admire your bravery and the fact that you are being creative in an auster economy (engaging in your own business and investing in Nigeria). I respect business-minded women. You definitely need a man that will compliment you. You keep honing on this Ashewo label and if you know you are not one, well, ignore it. Do you know anyone on this faceless forum personally? Do they know you? I'd not allow what people on here say about you to bother you. Especially if they don't even know anything about you.

I hope things work out well for you and your man. Nothing feels better than being a man about business and having a woman who is about business too. Makes a strong force.

Scarlet Johanson. We have loads to discuss.

Shy-One:
Yes - I do - I want my Obama - you best believe that - I completely agree with you - I don't know why I didn't understand you originally - I do apologize to you - I think I was under fire - I was doing more ducking than reading - lolololololol

The reality is that relationships "Aren't about money" - But without money "they don't exist" - no one can live free - but no one is demanding money from the other partner either - i don't want a jobless man (which is unnecessary because if there is a job loss -there is also a route for the man to start his own business) - there is no need for anyone to be jobless.  But I also don't want a stingy man either - because I am FAR FROM STINGY.

I don't want from a man what I am not giving to a man.  I want from him what I am giving to him.

And that is what I'm talking about! I remember one of my ex's who gave me a weekend treat and was worried if I was worth it because her best friend was telling her she was doing "too much." Despite the fact that I had previously helped her out a few times when she had financial difficulties.

So she refused to listen to her best friend. What did she get in return? The following valentine's day, a surprise trip to New York (she'd never been and wanted to go) and a weekend stay at the plaza hotel.

Mrs, Chima:
You won't be getting no apologies from me Lax.

Didn't ask. Don't care.

Shy-One:
@ All 4 Naija - ahahahahahahah - yes - OK

@ Lovedgal - the posters are habitually changing words that women post.   Then they are running with the changes.  It is normal in this thread - their efforts to push their agendas.

Did Shy-One Say the following?

I will have s.ex for money?
I will jump from one man to the other if the 1st guy doesn't satisfy my money requirements?
I only will give birth if I am being paid?
Men should pay my bills?

NO, NO, NO AND NO

But if you listen and read what the guys are saying I said - a reader will assume that I definitely said those things.  They do and have twisted words - taken what we say as expecting men to pay our bills, etc, etc, etc,   Then compared us to Ashewos or to being lazy or to being jobless or to being demanding or to being expecting a man to do this or expecting a man to do that.

First - I help my men - that's what I do and in turn they help me - the order of who does it first?  IS IRRELEVANT - we just know that it takes money to make the world go around and we help each other out - especially since we are planning marriage.  If we were not planning marriage - we wouldn't be operating with each other on that level.

@ Lax
 
My apologies if I misheard or misunderstood your intentions and/or your implications.  Also, now that you have broke it down to the level in which you have portrayed your response -  I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU AND I AGREE WITH YOU AS WELL.  I too don't date broke men or jobless men or constantly nagging men who are never pleased, etc,

Again, my apologies.

Its all good my Sister. I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from, because I understand where you're coming from. You want a partner that you and he/she can become a force to be reckoned with. You want your Obama. I want my Michele. And that's why I say only a Loser of a dude would be with a broke @ss broad. What can she do for you? Nothing. What can a broke @ss dude do for you? Nothing. Why should I pay the bills of some GIRLFRIEND when there are many women out there who are making cheddar, go-getters, making things happen and paying their own bills. However, what I would do for the woman I marry? That is another story entirely. Why? Because we would be ONE flesh according to the covenant of marriage and believe you me, she will get EVERYTHING that all the previous GIRLFRIENDS didn't get. Why? Because she is the ONE. You're supposed to save the best till last.

From what I see, we Nigerians love to demean Ghanaians more than the other way round. Personally, I think Ghanaians are some of the coolest people that I have met IMO. Very rich culture, a smart group of people and I've seen some very sexy, cool, and calm Ghanaian women. Whenever I see a Ghanaian I feel like I'm talking to an extended family member. Big Ups to all my "Charlies and Charlettes!"

pendo89:
I have been so uncomfortable with this scenario cz I felt something was just not right.
If the girl was an Orphan with nobody to help I would have given thought. But look at what you just posted!!
Everything we do however nice must be accompanied by something called wisdom. You cannot get yourself into debt with no idea of how you are going to pay back! That is what God himself calls foolishness.
Let me tell you bro,do not always act out of sympathy.Deal with situations soberly coz we live in a real world with laws and if you are foolish enough to get yourself into a mess cz you sympathised then you got only yourself to blame.

Look at what God says,not me,1st Timothy 5:8

If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, ,  for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

I feel for your mum and sisters because they depend on you while the gal you have no plans of marrying has people who could have sorted her out.They were just waiting for you to take that burden off their shoulder cz she had spoken well of you to them. Those are mean relatives who cannot help their own bright gal.

Now work hard and pay that debt and make sure you take good care of your mum since the 'gf' was more important than her and your sisters.

your act was good but it was not wise considering the prevailing circumstances.

Pendo said it ALL. I remember dating a chick a last year who was trying to question why I would get my mum a blackberry for xmas before I would get her one. She was gone before you know it 'cos I don't play that kind of ish. Especially since we had been dating for less than a month! GIRLFRIENDS should know the difference between that and a WIFE.

Shy-One:
These guys see women as Ashewo - and it sounds cultural to me

When I continued to describe throughout the thread what I was talking about in regard to 2 people supporting each other in ALL ways including money - Ashewo dropped from their mouth

In the U.S. - boyfriends and girlfriends who are engaged and planning towards marriage - 90% or more of them have each other's back and it isn't seen as "selling one's self to the highest bidder"

Same as a female or male who date each other are concerned about the other's credit rating, GPA, use of narcotics, temperament.  Money is seen in the same manner - how it is made, how it is shared, how it is spent.  If you have low test scores consistently - you won't get into a good school.  It is rare for a stingy man to receive a generous wife.  It happens but not often.  You usually get back what you put out in the universe.

The same as if you don't contribute financially in the beginning of a relationship - the marriage won't be any different - if she is cheap or he is cheap and stingy before marriage - he and she continues that stinginess through the marriage.

So culture is the same as well - what is culturally acceptable will dictate many times in someone's head - an acceptable mode of behavior in their own relationships and marriage.

Hi Shy-one. Please revisit all my posts. I NEVER once refer to women as Ashewo for any reason. All I said was that I see nothing wrong with a guy showering his GIRLFRIEND with gifts and all, and I see nothing wrong in him helping her out if she is in a financial bind (for example, the OP mentioned that she had unforseen expenses that threw here budget off). However, I have a problem with broads who feel that it's the responsibility of their BOYFRIENDS to take on their everyday financial obligations (aka bills) simply because they are in a relationship (please let's not automatically assume there is sex going on here or not). I despise these kind of broads because they are broke. They are broke because they live beyond their means and are too lazy to work hard enough to fulfil their own obligations. Lazy and irresponsible. I've met these kind of chicks in the past and you only find out the truth about them once you get to know them. Prior to that, is all "flash and no cash."

These days I don't have to deal with these kinds of problems because I avoid broke @ss broads. I only date REAL women who are hardworking and responsible. Smart women who don't live beyond their means and women who are go-getters. Experience has shown me that broke @ss broads have a sense of entitlement and most of them get a high off of using people. If you dig into their lifestyles, you will see how greedy and irresponsible they are, and how they live paycheck to paycheck all in the name of their weaves, Louis bags, shoes and whatever else. I don't have to deal with hearing constant sob stories about rent being due etc. because I only deal with REAL women. Women who work hard and can afford their own obligations. I have no problem spoiling them with gifts and wants knowing that these women don't bring any baggage. I remember a while back when I would go out on dates with a broad (really hot too). Had no problem taking her out to nice restaurants. Everything changed when after a few dates I noticed that all she would talk about was how she can't afford her rent, utilities etc. This turned me off and I had to end things. Why? Cos she's broke. What do I need a chick like that for? Broke and Lazy. I found out that she dropped out of college because it was too much for her to deal with. Though she was intelligent, she was lazy. It explained why she couldn't get a better job to sustain her lifestyle.

As I said before, guys (who are NOT losers), if you want to avoid headache stay away from broke @ss broads!!

Mrs, Chima:
It has been confirmed r231 is stingy.  

Lax, you ain't been gone long enough for me to miss you.  Now I was rolling my eyes because you told the men to leave those broke broads alone.  You know damn well SOME men feel good when they have broke broads because it makes them feel good to be depended on.  

Let keep it real.

only a loser of a guy would be with a broke @ss broad. broke broads turn me off. what do they have to offer? seriously. only a guy who can't deal with a real woman would be with a liability of a broke @ss broad. as i said earlier, i have no problem splurging on gifts, but for me to pick up the tab for her "responsibilities?" that's crazy. if she can't handle her obligations it shows a lack of responsibility and laziness somewhere. and that's not my problem. for a man who feels he is a man because some broke @ss broad is dependent on him? that makes him as much a loser as she is.

I repeat. Stay away from broke @ss broads. Find yourself REAL women. And guys, if you are going to help out a GIRLFRIEND who is in a financial bind, do it as though you are helping a fellow human being out. If she turns around and spites you tomorrow, know that the little you lost will be rewarded to you 10 fold. God never fails. Trust me on this one.

Broke @ss broads are broke because they are lazy, cheap, greedy (live beyond their means) and full of envy.

Mrs, Chima:
Rolling eyes at Lax.

just tell me u miss me and quit all this rolling eyes ish

Can't believe this topic has produced 17 pages. Anyways. I see nothing wrong on pampering your woman with gifts. However, I have a problem with women who now add on what is meant to be THEIR responsibilities (rent, utilities, etc) to my list of obligations IF they aren't my WIFE. Simple as that. When did I make a covenant before God and man that I will be one with a GIRLFRIEND? I'm not saying that I wouldn't help her out if she's in a financial bind, but for her to have this feeling of entitlement, now there's where I have an issue.

Any chick who can't afford to pay her own bills and expects a man to pick up the tab when she isn't his wife is not a REAL woman. She is broke. You guys should quit dealing with these broke @ss broads and get yourself real women. I can't stand broke @ss broads. They are always the ones who have the nerve to talk about what other people have and don't have.

Once again. Stay away from broke @ss broads, and you won't have to deal with this kinda Ish.

Love = Loss of common sense.

Geez. You lot are still on this issue? Amazing!

Trying to get things straight with the man upstairs. That's why I'm still single.

Dyt:
your cousin must b a fyn chic o
bt dats my frnd

Lol. It runs in the family (fyness) Ok so I take it you are the one next to her then?

University of Suya, Faculty of Meatology for Allen Avenue.

Dyt:
Well Laxy
d wife wz d Op wen courting
u grab now

Sure, which one are you in the picture? If you are the chick with the eyelid makeup, you actually look like my cousin.

Dyt:
Laxy
dis s d beginin of such woman who dont ask
c where it ended up wit er

I'm sorry I don't understand your English. Are you trying to say that man's wife is being physically abused (to the point where she was in a coma at the hospital) and cheated on because she didn't ask for money? What are you trying to say here please help me understand.

Shy-One:
I would do it with a smile and to music of my choice in a heartbeat for him - he is my mate.

But on the other hand - you have misunderstood my post to MBJ who wants to know how equal the Kobo should be (I am assuming that Kobo is money).  I expect my man to make more money than me and also as we grow in the relationship - It is my role to help his money grow even larger as we work  more and more as a team.  It is obvious that physical love is the lesser of compatibility and sustainability in a relationship.

How well you work together, your similarities, your motivations, driving force, communication and commonalities - that is what keeps you together - sex is falls into all of that as well.

I was trying to make a point with MBJ to show that we are "not equal" - our "Kobo" is not equal - what we as women share with you willingly you cannot share with us as willingly because of our roles in the relationship - as the man - why shouldn't we expect gifts and money from you - since the man should not be the one dancing for the woman in a pair of silky red panties.  

Each of us brings different things to the table for the good of the relationship.

Does anyone not get my point here?

There is nothing wrong with what you've said but you know most naija women will see this as demeaning yet expect to be showered with gifts. Question to Shy, do you think there is a difference, in terms of level of commitment between a husband and a boyfriend? Would you have the same level of commitment, expend the same energy towards both etc.? Just curious.

Advantage of being a Nigerian?

You get escorted to a special VIP room whenever you flash that green passport at any developed country's airport. What happens in the VIP room, however, stays in the VIP room.