₦airaland Forum

WHY MEN MARRY FROM HOME AND SHOULD CONTINUE TO MARRY FROM HOME

A REPLY TO LADY G.
I think the time has come to put a stop on these meaningless discussions on why men go home to marry. They have to stop because the discussions and articles are insulting to women from home and further insults the intelligence of the men who marry from home.
I can only conclude that these attacks are based on jealousy because women back home work very hard under extreme conditions and still do not lose sight of their values and what they want in life. On the other hand, girls here live a sheltered and pampered life, blaming others for their insecurities and bitching about every thing.
If you want to discus things you should be open and honest with yourself. Understand the facts and stop being aggressive. If you did not go to YIBOSC to look for a husband, why do you get angry when men marry from home? Lets face it Yibosc is probably your only forum to meet Igbo men of your generation.
There is a saying “ better the devil you know”. However, knowing the devils we have grown up with, we choose to reject them and look for potential from home.
I will tell you the truth and some hints of what men look for that drives them to go home. Once you have read this article and you are honest to yourself, you will see that you fall into or have been guilty of most of the points raised here.
1. Your parents will not tell you that who you marry is not as important as who your brother marries because his offspring’s will maintain the family name and culture.
2. Some of you insist that your husband must come from your state, LGA and village. How many men do you know in that category?
3. Some of you think that men from home want to use you to attain immigration papers. This could be true, but not always.
4. Most of you are never ready, by the time you are ready, whom do you think will be waiting for you? Girls back home are ready as soon as they are of age. Some will marry while at college, with feeling that the marital aspect of their life is sorted, they can then concentrate on studying and building a career
5. You demand too much from men, looking for a readymade man. What is wrong with working together with your husband to achieve your riches? You insult men from home that they are only cab drivers and security workers. What you fail to understand with your level of intelligence is that these are highly qualified individuals who must take whatever job here to survive because of the circumstances.
6. You blame and bitch about your parents not teaching you culture, how many of you have gone to a meeting with your mother to observe how women do things?
7. Men want someone who is adaptable – some one who knows what is expected of her when you visit home. Some one who knows that she has to wake up in the morning and sweep the compound, someone who knows what is expected of her during any event or ceremony.
8. You mention submissive and yes women – you should visit home more often. Most women from home are more streetwise than you. They combine it with culture and their realistic expectations from life and it makes them more appealing.
9. You mention respect. Most of you don’t even know the meaning of the word in our culture; instead you prefer to rely on your western definition that says I will only respect those who respect me. Your parents thought you to respect your elders and respect yourself in public through your conduct.
10. We are faced with supply and demand. The supply here is limited, because of that, the suppliers are making shakara. The reaction from us is to jump on a plane to get better quality. We all know that cars are expensive in Uk, so people travel to Europe to get quality and value for money. Similarly, women back home are quality and value.
11. What can you offer us that women from home can’t? Most women from home are smart, intelligent and educated just like you; slim and attractive just like you; ambitious, sociable and fashionable just like you. On top of that, they are cultured, adaptable and definitely not submissive. So what is it that you have that they are missing?
12. Ask yourself this question, why is it that elders here congratulate and praise us for rejecting the Macdonald and Kentucky generation?
13. All Igbo men – born here or from back home – have been raised on traditional food. Most of you can’t even cook jollof rice let alone a decent egusi soup. Now why should any red blooded Igbo man want to spend all his life with a person who will be feeding him fish and chips with salad.
14. How many of you will visit your boyfriend’s parents in his presence or absence to do chores and errands to try and impress them?
15. How many of you will consider an introduction from your family? You will look at it as arranged marriage.
16. Some of you will meet a boy. You want to spend years knowing him, soon after, things do not work out and you break up. Soon you meet somebody else and subsequently things work and you are talking marriage. His family will be telling him not to bring this girl who goes from man to man into their household. If the boy does not know you, the family knows somebody that knows you. This is part of our culture checking your background. Before you know it the years roll on and you meet another boy, things work and there is talk of marriage. His family will object and tell him that you are too old and cannot bear healthy children
17. Some of you smoke and drink (hard liquor). Only loose women indulge in such things in our culture. How are you going to convince a bloke’s mum that you are of good character?
18. Marrying from home makes sense because she will apply positive pressure for her husband to go home and build and achieve something for their later life. She will also help to teach your children the culture and language so they do not end up like you. Going home is our prerogative and will continue until there is a change in attitude, behaviour and expectations of girls born and raised here.
19. What you need to do is forget this ladish culture that you have been raised on and start behaving like a person who was very well brought up or as they say in igbo land, some one who was raised on her mother’s milk not powdered milk.
Finally, some of you will come to YIBOSC and in the presence of your friends, you will ridicule and reject these points. However, when you get home and take a long look at yourself. You will notice that all your education, your high powered job, your house, your car and all your material possession will not stop that biological clock ticking ever faster. When you go to bed, that big double bed in your room gets colder each winter and the house becomes lonelier. But what is the problem? There is no problem we are in the Western world. Women can go to a sperm bank or men can travel to Nigeria. Perhaps YIBOSC will consider setting up a sperm bank, this way you will guarantee that the donor is an igbo man and may possible come from your village.

Hey tall blonde I am a six foot snow white red head and when I was brought to nigeria I felt as though everyone thought I had lots of money when in fact I was BROKE. Don't pay for anything by yourself you can be overcharged.

I'm not comparing myself to a naija lady and I don't intend to behave like one (although I do a lot more than most white women would) thats not what I'm trying to find out. What i am trying to establish is:

If a lady works full time and studies and has children and does all the cooking and cleaning is there any form of help available from the husband? or does he sit there waiting to be looked after all the time? I mean the woman obviously has her own money because she works, so if she works and gets her own income but still has to raise kids, cook, clean, run all the errands etc etc. So, where does the husband come into this? I imaged that the lady would perform all these duties given that the husband is the sole provider, so whats the position? generally, would he not offer some help given that he NOT the SOLE PROVIDER and if so what help would that be?

Well what about having a two year old, working full time, studying in the last year of my degree, cooking three meals for the day/evening/night, cleaning, attending to the child. I am not entitled to a home help. I am white lady. Do you think a naija lady work work full time, raise A child, study and do all the household chores??

Oh please,

I mean this man is way over the hill as in 40 and you don't think he is married Let me tell you he most likely is so go on marry him, that what he will force you into so, give him his papers you will see what will happen and don't say you weren't told. You are very gullable and at this point in your life you should know better. I'm only telling you this because I care.

Get rid of this man. I don't swallow him story. Please take mine, Sienna and others advise. There is something fishy about this. I myself am married to a nigerian happy for now yeah but for how long more. He will most likely hook up with an igbo lady when the time is right. beleive me he will marry you and dump you when he gets his passport. Cop on to yourself and look for an AA or something.

Cop on to yourself. Why would he want a western lady when he can a nigerian wife who does what he says and what he wants and when he wants and that FULLY understand his male dominated culture. How do you know he has been in Greece for 5 years?
ask yourself the following:

would he be trying to get you to Greece to marry you and then decide 'lets go USA' instead of nigeria
What immigration status he currently holds
Would he already be a married man (in Nigeria) if he over 30 this is a strong possiblilty
Nigerian culture is totally different to our own culture you have NO IDEA what you are letting yourself in for.

If he really is in Greece for five years then he should not have a problem getting a tourist visa to USA and besides that, any sensible woman would not travel to see a man, he would usually travel to see her.

My advise to you is wake up and tell him to come to see you (you just invite him on paper then he could get the visa) and in that way you would not have to give up anything. For Gods sake think of your childs future!!!!!!!!!!

I know a woman who is letting her husband go and do a degree in Russia. They both currently live in London. This degree is four years! becuase its cheaper obviously he is going there. I'm baffled as to the fact that her husband will be coming home each summer to see her. Is that quite normal in nigerian culture? would it not be better to save more money and/or borrow some instead of leaving your wifey and kids to go to Russia for like eh four years? is that not a form of seperation?

No point in blaming whites.

Use your heads the more money and power women have the less shit they will put up with. My mother and many other women in the 60's put up with cheating hubbys etc etc. Divorce was a death sentence then. Don't know about america, but whites in EU do NOT divorce for flimsy reasons their husbands simply respect them and have known them a long time. Some african women are beginning to put their foots down thats why divorce is on the rise.

you can so have intercourse, just no kissing or touching in the fasting hours!

can you accept someone you love who smokes?

More of an in depth knowledge of Nigeria, its cultures and people.

its in arabic culture to drink tea

This is just like ireland in the 60's were women HAD to accept men staying out all night and cheating. My father the lord have mercy used to cheat on my mother she told me that back in those days socitey frowned upon divorcees and plus she had no money. Yeah its sad to leave another woman to get her way take the place of the wife. I see this a lot amonst the nigerian community it seems they just have to accept a cheating hubby and I personally know of a few who have caught them numerous times. This type of man would bring HIV to his wife. I would be inclined to think of own health and would not want to be put into an early grave just to keep and please my man. Go ahead, dress up, loose weight, cook nice dinners, be the ultimate porn star in bed. He will still cheat (just not in your home again) that all.

Please re assure her there will be another baby. Book your wedding.

Well I have NEVER thought of suicide i just could not stop crying for no reason after having my daughter she has Attention Deficit Disorder and they help me to cope with that. Suicide has never crossed my mind. I value my soul too much for that!

They are safe. But coming off them you have to taper the treatment and not withdraw from them abruptly. I have been on them for two years now from stress after post natal depression. Two years now but I am fine. On top of the world sometimes

I have lots of them. try palmers cocoa butter.

Well sorry Simone that you have had to go through this. I myself am a westerner married to a nigerian man that cannot wash a cup or cook one simple thing. I have given up on a lot of aspects of my on culture here too. I do all the cooking cleaning etc but thats what I am willing to do. At the end of the day if he changes his tune with me- he will have a weak arguement. yes, his sister came to stay with us and lay on the floor for two weeks then she went to another family household (my brother in laws) and does even worse there to point that she almost ruined their marriage but still she is always put first before his wife (as in my sister in law) there is always trouble in that family god help them and they are all nigerians. Sometimes it can be an ignorance thing and culture is used as the excuse. If you cooked etc for him I wonder what else was the problem how long were you married to him for?

PS its not just western ladies that have to get up and leave them. Yesterday, at work a lady (nigerian) came on the our office with six bags, a travel cot and four children! she said she was looking for a hostel that she had to leave her husband who abused her and didn't give her money.

Finally, if he is SERIOUS he will reconcile with you and COMPROMISE then again they can misinterpret the word compromise.
i think in a way, its selfish of some of them to come to the west and expect us to behave like a naija lady in the kitchen, given our upbringing and our hours of work outside the home. Ignorance is what it is. Who said you had to wear a garb why would you do that? are you a white lady? I don't think he will come to snatch your child when they get what they want (some of them that is) they don't give a hoot where the kid is.

I am only married two years now its been very good apart from the fact that he does nothing domestically. However, I am willing to do it and thats the choice I make because I love him.

Well i personally know of a naija lady who submits her paycheck, she never has phone credit and never has a decent stitch on her. She endures WAY to much abuse too!

As much as I am happy in my marriage when I see a white lady and a black man walking along the street I am NOT happy for them. I tend to be of the view that most of these marriage were not genuine ones in the first place attack me all you like but this is the stark reality of it. They may be in love but its not true love. I often see myself as being truly in love becuase I love my partner for who he is not because I prefer black men. I knew what I was getting myself into and I proceeded. I do not regret it though. It just aggravates me to see all this 'my nigerian boyfriend' shit believe me so why is he only your boyfriend? naija men don't respect childbearing outside of marriage due to their strong cultural and moral values but if it suits them they will. When it comes to the time when a nigerian man wants to settle, he usually will settle with a woman from his own country who will treat him like a king and let him do what he likes (as a man) you forget we western ladies can only put up with a certain amount of crap. There is so many cultural barriers that makes it not practical for a black man to marry a white woman. Have you ever seen a naija doctor marry a white lady? hell no you don't. I entered into an interracial marriage knowing the barriers and yes my family did go crazy but still I went to nigeria and proved I love my husband for who he is. There is always something in the bottom of my heart its like a frog in my throat sometimes. It upsets me to think there are so many barriers. I have crossed many of them and I am always the one to raise any issues/misunderstanding but thankfully with compromise we overcome it. I however do think at the end of the day one must give up their own culture in order to satifsy the other, I have had to do that but its all been worth it.

There is beauty in every race you just need to explore it.

When I gave birth I lied and told him it was not coming out for another few hours, to go home (house was very nearby) I knew this mess is too big of a mess for a man to witness so guess what I was delighted to do it alone and I did! then he came back soon after and I was holding her. Please note I was only an hour in labour.

keep, I am a muslim (non practising) my husband is a christian (non practising) you tell her this. Get married in the offices just like we did no mosque no church. No point in aborting the baby do you think god would prefer that? I have a baby i will raise her and teach her islam and the choice will be hers. You have no idea what I went through, the whole muslim community were shocked! now they know its too late I will pay in the eyes of God/Allah. Its not going to be easy but know what if she loves you enough she will fight for it.

I feel like now because I got annoyed when he woke me up from my sleep that I made a blunder

As for mixed marriages. I fought for what I wanted and it has proved to be worth it. Call me all the names you like. Stark reality of it is mixed marriages 99.9% won't work unless someone gives up their own culture.