₦airaland Forum

Your mother's character perfectly typifies that of a brilliant but unintelligent narcissist who adheres to organized religion.

Meanwhile, your father is obviously a victim of his own failed leadership at home - servility is as bad as subjugation, conscientiousness is gold. He used servility to sustain his relationship with your mother from the inception, so he's reaping the rotten fruits of his servile actions and inactions. Once one allows and enables their partner to exercise their liberty on the periphery of decorum, they'll definitely become a victim of their crass and expedient actions some day.

Anyway, you and your sisters who care for him should make effort to find him, relocate him somewhere and rehabilitate him formally or informally. Once he regains his sanity, encourage him to take to carefreeness.

You're just a narcissistic sociopath. To make you fall in love and stay in love won't be a herculean task for any woman who's beautiful to your eye and knows the secret of servant leadership - once she takes to servant leadership position and apply the secret, you'll stay emotionally connected to her and work and walk on her philosophy for as long as she wishes.

cococandy:
There’s a real cooking tournament?

Oooh.
I’ll probably watch. Who dash me representation

We can't afford to go to the tournament without one of our best - participation will be free for all of our best cooks, our magnanimity as a country remains unwavering. So, the "who dash me representation" will not hold water. LOL.

Yes, there ought to be a real world cooking tournament next year, but for the COVID-19 wahala.

Have a nice day.

cococandy:
Grammar again

Maybe I will become better as I continue to imitate you - only if my empty head will not disappoint me later. Meanwhile, it looks like you will be the person who will represent Nigeria - don't tell me that you'll choose the U.S. over Nigeria in this instance - at the world cooking tournament next year.

sisisioge:
But the truth is, a woman who has the options of making money through a fulfilling career, have children and get attention from her preferred seex ( straight or ga) at anytime will rather stay single. In that case, marriage will only complicate her life.

Decorum and egoism/self-interest will always be alien to each other - that you posited is a perfect depiction of the mentality of an egoist - no wonder subjugation reigns supreme wherever an egoist holds sway. Altruism is truly not a woman's forte.

Problem lies with people who give attention to someone like her who has a personality disorder. People who're like her are everywhere, this forum inclusive, propagating nonsense and trying so hard to foist their abnormalities on everyone. Unfortunately, impressionable people abound and are buying into their toxic products.

Balderdash. Don't mistake smartness/cleverness for perfidiousness/disingenuousness. A woman who's smart/smarter than her man - a sane man - will make his life better, provided that she has altruistic interest in him and isn't perfidious. However, a perfidious woman will ruin her man - an undiscerning man - whether or not she's smart/smarter than him.

bukatyne:
Expected sir.

Connotation of your friend's statement shows that she's a contentious wife - or let me assume that her husband's small-mindedness has made her to become a contentious wife. This, by extension, means that they aren't operating on a fair philosophy where conscientiousness/principle reigns supreme over expediency - they don't trust each other - self-interest/egoism is the order of the day in their union, capped with crassness.
 
A couple (a sane couple) who're of the same ethical leanings - healthy ethical leanings - and operate on a mutual fair philosophy will always allow principle to reign supreme over expediency. In this instance, it shouldn't be about if he sends 20k to his extended family, he must send 20k to my own extended family too, and vice versa, like your friend stated. Instead, it'll be about either of the extended families that need the help getting what's available from them, while if it's the normal occasional/seasonal benevolent gifts, they make sure the individual extended families get their deserving share. Truth is that, when two conscientious people have altruistic interest towards each other and decide to pursue oneness/marry, things always flow well effortlessly between them and that breeds understanding - understanding breeds love.

LOL. You know say I no accept the "sir" appropriation. I am, however, not going to stop addressing you as mama de mama.

A well packaged dose of aggressiveness on a major issue of interest to her will do the magic - you must not lose to her during the encounter. It must be either that your wish stands, make sure such a wish is one that is fair - or both of you go your separate ways temporarily or permanently. Follow this suggestion only if you are ready to win dishonorably or lose honorably, to avoid blaming someone of destroying your marriage completely. Your dishonorable win will automatically make her to gradually take to conscientiousness, if she has ever had any atom of altruistic interest in you and value the bond that holds two of you, while your honorable loss will mean that she may shamelessly choose to walk out of the marriage rather than allow fairness to reign supreme in the marriage. 

After having your way on the encounter, if she does not shamelessly walk out of the marriage, unassumingly encourage her directly or indirectly to always exercise her full liberty but not on the periphery of decorum, this will make her to have a healthy self-esteem - you've to avoid becoming a subjugator afterward because in the absence of a healthy self-esteem, a wife with an illusory high self-esteem, like her at the moment, is still better than one with a low self-esteem. 

The wife you described here doesn't have OCD, so you're strictly dealing with an opinionated wife and your failure to nip her toxic attitude in the bud immediately will make you to become completely subjugable to her - may peace of mind not elude you completely - and she'll gradually take to expediency too, if she hasn't yet because imperiousness and expediency are usually inseparable.

Meanwhile, obviously, you're neither a conscientious man nor a headstrong man, else you won't be here to seek solution on this particular issue - there's nothing good about headstrongness though - say no to servility. You've been servile from the inception of your relationship with her, so you're an enabler of her attitude so far.

On the other hand, if she's an opinionated woman with ADHD, OCDP or OCD then each requires a different approach.

bukatyne:
She is talking of a traditional setting where the husband is the breadwinner and expected to provide for his in-laws.

A friend once argued that if her husband sent N20k to his family, he must send N20k to hers whether they have same financial standing or not.

"Expected to provide for his in-laws" or help to the best his/their ability? I don't expect a sane person to use servility to sustain a relationship with another person.

It depends on one's perspective about marriage; since two become one as a couple/when pursuing oneness, it is therefore the couple's - not the wife's - responsibility to help their individual extended families to the best of their ability. So, directly or indirectly, it's the man's responsibility to help his wife's parents and siblings, and vice versa.

A wife (or even a husband) can be resourceful and reasonable without earning money directly.

Balderdash. All human beings are equal, regardless of their gender, age, race and social standing. The male gender, however, is biologically different from the female gender - the difference doesn't mean inequality. Problem lies with anyone who fails to acknowledge the difference.

cococandy:
Grammar

LOL. If only I could be half as good as you when it comes to writing grammar.

The day one marries a spouse who doesn't share same ethical leanings with him/her, automatically he becomes a subjugable or a conscientious carefree person, or a subjugator. Your type of wife doesn't deserve neither a subjugator nor a subjugable husband, citing your submission. So, you have to use a conscientious carefree approach to help her overcome her weakness unconsciously/unwittingly or wittingly - It'll be mutual lose and win for both of you while it lasts. If you can perfect it, she'll gradually overcome it, unless she doesn't value you in particular and the bond that holds two of you in general.

Mariangeles:
Close... Mba4

That's great. I know that Mba4, Mba5, NG and Ng..land have almost the same Igbo dialect.

Have a nice day.

Mariangeles:
You mean Ngor-okpala? No

No, Ng..land in Abia state . . . I'd have bet Mba5 too.

[quote author=Mariangeles post=89405364][/quote]"Ekwuchalam!" LOL. You're from Ng..land, right?

Majority of the people are averse to decorum in this country, so a leader - not a dictator though - who wishes to make a positive impact must always act on the periphery of conventionalism.

Atikuorbuhari:
The famous prophet who is known for his funny ways of ministration in preaching, displays and miracles got a Ph.D at a University in the eastern part of the country.

The Gregory University, Uturu issued him a honorary doctorate degree for his contribution to the state.

WATCH VIDEO: http://www.musictori.com/2020/05/watch-prophet-odumeje-speech-at-gregory.html

LOL. An honorary doctorate degree isn't the same as/equivalent to a Ph.D.

Congratulations to him all the same.

I have had experiences which are not just near death, but also manifestation of divine grace/miracles - my irreligious disposition notwithstanding. 

One of the experiences is that one early Sunday morning, some years ago, I entered a utility room with a guarded window without my phone, while inside it I decided to find out the reason why the entrance door was often hard to unlock. So, I locked it while inside, unfortunately it knocked and all my efforts to unlock it proved abortive for more than 24 hours. I did everything possible to either use bare hands to open the door or unlock it with the keys to no avail. Worse still, it happened in a detached house in a gated compound and I was living alone; normally I do not entertain visitors without an invitation and I did not have a phone with me to call anyone to come to the house to break the doors and rescue me. I was hungry too, because I was so busy a night before it that I didn't eat before going to bed and I didn't take a breakfast before entering there.

I had resigned to fate, sobbing in tears when an ineffable thought came into me to try one more time to hold the doorknob and open it - the same thing I did several times without positive result - I did and the door opened with no extra force and tactics. But for the divine intervention, I could have stayed there for more than a month without anyone knowing my whereabouts, since it happened in a foreign land.

However, this isn't the main divine experience which changed a whole lot of things in me - the divine experience wasn't a near death one. Everyone has a divine authority guarding and guiding him/her, you'll know this if you're in tune with your subconscious.

To obey/submit isn't the same thing as to be servile, every sane person in a position of authority knows this and will do everything within their ability not to give the follower(s) reasons to question their saneness - a true leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way.

bukatyne:
Why making provisions for adultery even without entering the marriage?

If no be say you be Nigerian, I for bet say na one professor Melinda Scott dey behind dis your moniker. As you de always throw question to know more about a contributor's true intention without resorting to assumption, na so she de always do. Mama de mama. LOL.

He's taken a bribe from our sisters. LOL. A reasonable child is more valuable than an unreasonable child - reasonableness has never known gender.

Also, he should understand that loyalty is different from self-interest - self-interest is a woman, at least it's a positive thing in this regard.

Mariangeles:
Apparently, for most dudes on this platform, it is a problem to them for a woman come to self-realization.

Na serious allegation be dis, we go summon you for market square to come and prove it.

bukatyne:
Well the gods of NL has consulted and pegged it to the 40 - 50 range.

LOL. NL god no de try at all.

Self-realization is an individual thing, it doesn't abide by the law of duration and it's genderless. Lady A may achieve self-realization at the age of 18, while lady B may achieve her own at 50. Some may not even achieve it until they die, even if they live for 2,000 years on earth.

pansophist:
Beautifully written.

Thanks. It is my earnest wish for you and your loved ones to stay safe from the coronavirus pandemic, and it's also my earnest wish for the entire world to overcome it soonest.

pDudd:
First tip: Leave that your native brain in Nigeria.

If you're the kind of man that will sit on the sofa and be watching UEFA champions league and be telling a woman that she should go and cook, serve you, bring you water to drink and wash hand, you are in for a rude shock. Nigerian women in US have opened eye now o. They are not going to serve you like master and servant while your stretch your legs on sofa and be watching football.

If your mother did that for your father, please go and marry your mother so she too can come and be serving you like a king. Nigerian women ain't doing that for you.

Before you leave Nigeria, better learn how to cook, clean house, do laundry, go to buy groceries, take care of kids, and learn humility.

Learning humility is of utmost importance because the day you step your feet into America, you are now second to every woman. The American society favors women over men. They placea lot of value over men. So if you didn't respect women in Nigeria, you may need to reconsider that stance. And if you can't see yourself having a woman above you or respecting women, then better stay in Nigeria.

It's obvious that your submission isn't from an aristocratic POV regarding serving/setting food. A wife/woman - and vice versa, subject to schedule of the man - serving/setting food for her husband/man and tidying the table when he finishes eating, directly or indirectly, has neither been a sign of slavery nor a Nigerian/African thing alone. It's a simple act of selflessness, part of the little things that matter in a healthy marriage/relationship - it has always been done voluntarily and cheerfully. It has always been obtainable within the aristocratic families in the Western world, North America inclusive and the whole world. The command aspect of it you talked about is what I don't know, maybe that's what's obtainable among small-minded people, since altruism isn't their forte.

In fact, it's only the small-minded people who think that jettisoning acts of selflessness and humility as couples when they arrive in the Western world that make them belong. Wannabes. A woman who jettisons acts of selflessness and humility just because she wants to belong, is like a man who won't allow his wife to drive his vehicle at will, or spend his money at will, or save her from doing masculine and stressful things, all because of wokeness and equality. Wokeness and equality don't nullify selflessness and humility as attributes and reciprocation of them between a sane couple - too clever by half attitude doesn't denote wokeness, just as selflessness doesn't denote inequality or slavery.

Love is the greatest refreshment in life, it isn't an illusion - well, it's something only two conscientious people who have altruistic interest towards each can experience.

Mariangeles:
I hadn't finished reading through before liking your writeup.
You impress me every time.
Are you a psychologist? You seem to know so much...

Ọ dị ka ị nyere spambot ihe iri ngo, o wepụrụ azịza m nye gị ụnyaahụ ma machibido m iwu. LOL.

No, at least not formally. I'm, however, seasoned because it's part of my hobby and part of few other innate things that I passively practice. . .  . I don't think that I know so much though.

@OP

Let me believe that you are not the instigator of her sociopathic attitude, because her attitude depicts that of a woman who has resolved to withdraw her submission after being taken for granted for too long - you have a sociopath-like woman on your hands now. The kind of woman not to be taken for granted remains a submissive woman - the contentious and servile/frenemy ones are very easy to put in their places despite their crassness and disingenuousness, respectively. If you have not been both conscientious and altruistic towards her all this while, retrace your step, because a submissive/good woman deserves all the love/goodness in this world from her husband. 

Meanwhile, let me assume that you are truly married to an unconscientious woman who does not have altruistic interest in you - the worst mistake a man who values the sanctity of marriage can ever make - by extension, you are dealing with a sociopath-like woman. Well, you have been an enabler of her toxic attitude towards you in the marriage so far because you have a weak defense esteem. Connotation of your submission shows that you are under her emotional grip, the effect of stockholm syndrome after using servility to sustain a relationship for too long is this powerful. It is time for you to squash the emotion and extricate yourself from her grip and entanglement. 

You have to start treating her like a sociopath-like woman; you can achieve this feat by making a conscious decision to win through either a dishonorable means or lose through a honorable means - there's no shame in both ways because she will be the dishonorable loser, regardless of the route you choose, provided that you execute it well. The ball is in your court. If you are discerning and ready to regain your sanity and gain authority - leadership of the house has never been in your hold -  you should know what to do from here. If you execute it perfectly, she will either sit up like a submissive/virtuous woman or walk out of the marriage in shame.

Plead:
Bullshît

LOL. Obviously, you don't know what a "wannabe" of something is.