₦airaland Forum

No. However, demeanor of a narcissistic person, or demeanor people who have other personality disorders exhibits, shouldn't be mistaken for demeanor of a person with self-esteem (healthy self-esteem). Narcissism breeds illusory high self-esteem, a variant of low self-esteem, and demeanor of someone in this regard is at best self-arrogated high-esteem, it is always toxic - an uninformed/insane person can easily mistake such demeanor for that of a person with healthy self-esteem, but the difference is always clear to informed/sane people.

A self-arrogated high-esteem person usually justifies his/her illusory high self-esteem by exhibiting imperiousness, while propagating selfishness and subjugation of the opposite gender and meting out same against the ones he/she can - of course, toxicity and hypocrisy are their major hallmark. 

Meanwhile, self-esteem (healthy self-esteem) as an end product of dignity is earned when dignity is maintained and protected - to maintain and protect dignity, one must conquer egoism and egotism. Conscientiousness is the hallmark of someone with a healthy self-esteem - it is never toxic.

All wannabe alpha males and wannabe feminists - proclaimed or not - possess self-arrogated high-esteem, you know them through their hypocritical and toxic demeanor.

No, a male child is not overrated. Of course, a female child is equal to a male child and reasonableness doesn't know gender.

Truth, however, is that you and all the males around you are unreasonable, citing your own confession - stop using your group as a standard for every other male.

Two major reasons I know of are:

1. He values the girl a lot that he wouldn't want to waste her time or falsely raise her hope to enable her focus on others; maybe because (a) he observed differences between them that would prevent them from having a mutually healthy and happy relationship - and it's not a case of him being better than her, and vice versa. (b) He's in a committed relationship with another woman and holds the bond of the relationship sacred to the extent that he wouldn't like to desecrate it - so he has to withdraw attention from you (the girl) for the mutual good of all.

2. It could be that the girl did not meet the standard he held her from afar, this depends on what usually makes him fall in love - of course, this doesn't automatically mean that the girl is evil, in fact, it could even mean that it takes an evil girl to make him fall in love.

bukatyne:
How are you doing?

Are you sure I am old enough to be your ma?

You know say as you dey wise, anybody wey call you "ma" no make mistake, whether or not you old for age. Mama de mama! Lol.

Any man who has blatantly accepted the "let a woman choose you" nonsensical theory being peddled by uninformed people in this forum will always be a victim of small-minded women and their shenanigans. You're a good case study; regret is now your hallmark.

A sane man who has standard doesn't allow a woman to choose him, even if it's the woman who initiated familiarity with him, when it comes to a relationship. Regardless of who initiated familiarity, he always makes sure he puts himself in a position of choice-maker, thereby making it possible for him to dissect her - because interest doesn't automatically mean good intention. If he desires some of her innate qualities, after dissecting her, he gives her a privilege to either accept his proposal or walk away - if she accepts, he leads her to walk and work with him based on his philosophy, better if his philosophy is rooted in reciprocation of goodness. In doing so, he'll have a hold of the relationship structure and assumes position of its navigator - just like in politics, whosoever that has a hold of a party structure is the ultimate leader.

You don't lower your guard when dealing with most women without getting burnt. This isn't because they're evil, but because they're the weaker vessel and altruism (love) isn't their forte.

Your lack of self-esteem (healthy self-esteem), caused by your inability to maintain and protect your dignity, is your greatest undoing. If you can't maintain and protect your dignity, then there's no way you can protect both your sanity and your money (possession/dominion), your most valued assets, at the same time. Henceforth, make your dignity your most treasured defence asset, you earn your self-esteem by maintaining and protecting your dignity - you can only maintain and protect your dignity if you can conquer egoism and egotism.

People don't become heartbroken/bitter or feel used when a relationship ends just because they gave more in all aspects than their partners, instead they do because they used servility to sustain the relationship because they don't see beyond self-interest or they're outright feeble-minded or they overestimated their own importance/power and were caught unaware when their partners exercise their inalienable rights, like walking away from the relationship. You can avoid all of this - you can always walk the walk without being hurt and without being the direct cause someone will feel hurt - provided that you conquer egoism and egotism, and when you do, you'll begin to see life from a different perspective.

You're a victim of "let the woman be the one to choose you."

1. A woman's sweetness (beauty is the eye of the beholder), or material possessions if dealing with a gold digging/opportunistic man, makes a man to develop feelings for her.

2. Her innate great qualities will make him to fall in love with her - of course, this takes a little time to happen unlike the above.

3. Mutual shared great innate qualities - his own great innate qualities that are in consonance with yours above - will make him to volitionally and cheerfully stay in love with her, regardless of circumstances, till death do them apart.

So if your husband married you solely because of the first point, it's obvious that the object of attraction isn't pleasing to him any more and there's nothing you can do, he'll even get worse. Meanwhile, if he married you because of the second point, with or without the first point, just remain yourself and hope for the best in the near future, as he's obviously in a new phase of life - he'll soon come back to his normal self or even in a better way.

You should be more concerned about your decision to marry a woman who doesn't have a conviction (or a mind of her own) because the following statement "Lately she came back telling me that her madam advise her to go for court marriage that it's very important, na here another problem come start again concerning the court marriage." says a lot about the kind of woman she is.

Of course, you've your own shortcomings, which are very obvious starting from your OP. In fact, neither you nor she is coming into equity with clean hands - two people who are yet to achieve self-realization individually or lack what it takes to act conscientiously - so I don't foresee a mutually healthy and happy union between the two of you in the long run as it stands now.

I wonder why you intend to marry her in the first place, since you do not think that she deserves a statutory marriage with you; something you ought have voluntarily and joyfully as part of your plans, even before she suggested it.

As a man, you must have a philosophy and a conviction, while you find a woman who has a conviction that directly or indirectly is in consonance with yours, with volition to work and walk on your philosophy - better if your philosophy is rooted in reciprocation of goodness.

You need truth, not just "a woman's opinion." Your feeble-mindedness stinks so bad - stop being subjugable. Stop using servility to sustain a relationship - love isn't the same thing as foolishness.

Aside the fact that you have an erroneous understanding of what love is, you also lack willpower. Avoid her and her mother like a plague because they've crass and expedient personalities, and strive to conquer yourself before going into another relationship, to avoid a repeat of the ugly experience from another woman/man.

As a man (even a woman), you shouldn't be caught lacking self-esteem (healthy self-esteem) - lack of it is your problem. To gain your self-esteem, you must value your dignity, which should be your most treasured defence assest, only those who value their peace of mind and don't derive pleasure from other people's pains/misfortune will understand better. Once you can maintain and protect your dignity, you will automatically earn your self-esteem. But if you cannot maintain and protect your dignity, you will not be able to protect both your sanity and your money (possession/dominion), your most valued assets, at the same time - to maintain and protect your dignity, you must conquer egoism and egotism.

There's nothing wrong in spending heavily on your woman, or anyone close to you, provided that she's conscientious and has altruistic interest in you - and provided that you do so not just volitionally but also conscientiously and altruistically. Of course, those who do not like to lose honourably always lose dishonorably, like a non-self-conquered person like you.

Critics don't make good - executive/administrative - leaders.

No, because spontaneity/reciprocation (of goodness) is the soul of understanding - reciprocation, however, doesn't have to be in equal and proportional measures. Understanding breeds love.

@OP

The reason volunteers don't get paid isn't because they're worthless, but because they're priceless. Keep up the good work.

By the way, it seems you're a nutritionist.

The office/position has always been a very powerful one.

The fact that he was down on a personal debt 4 years ago did not outright mean that he was short on corporate resources/finances then, not even for the fact that he had solicited for a corporate sponsorship/alliance from Mark and Larry - the unsuccessful loan he solicited for was for his business expansion.

On the whole, he has shown that he is a shrewd businessman.

lasher1:
Oh are you from a place called Igbo Tutu in reality?

No, I was joking.

bukatyne:
Hahahahahahaha.

That's the meaning. Used it to depict a place that would not be 'influenced' by feminism.

OK. My plan before I asked and got an answer from you was to assemble my kinsmen to follow me come and ask you how we offended you. I thank God say we no offend U. Lol.

bukatyne:
It means 'fresh/thick bush/forest'

You have taken a bribe. Lol.

bukatyne:
What do you think is the root cause?

Put feminism aside:

Even in Igbo Tutu where the women see themselves as third class citizens, they would take the issue of the abused boy child differently from the abused girl child.

Why?

Where is the location of "Igbo Tutu?"

Aftershock:
Call him libertarian or whatever you like. A man who stands for everything stands for NOTHING. No person can be everything to everybody. That is sign of weakness and inferiority complex because he is trying to please every tribe except his own people.
Even last week, they were angry because he used to speak Igbo in a different dialect from Enugu dialect. The man is,weak.

A libertarian stands for something - conscientiousness.

Once more, he is not a weak man; he is just a refined/aristocratic/fair-minded man.

Have a lovely day.

Aftershock:
I mean it o.
Go and check. No Igbo man will go to the wife's village for wedding. They bring the wife to their place because it is a man that married a woman and not the other way.
And can you explain a Catholic man turning to Anglican to marry a woman in Anglican church? No No No.
The woman follows,her husband. That is the practice.
Onyeama is,weak.
He is Catholic, he is Anglican, his child is Catholic with Moslem godfather. In short he is behaving like a nobody not someone from such a big family.

He is not a weak man. Truth is that, he has never been a subjugable person (a religious or traditional person) - he only identifies with them when a need for them arises. He is spiritual but not religious/traditional (SBNR/T). A SBNR person always has an appreciable level of tolerance for all religions/traditions/cultures/classes - his decision to wed his wife in her village, having a Muslim as his son's godfather, identifying with both the Anglican and Catholic churches, etc, are all acts of tolerance and emancipation.

He is a fair-minded man; a true libertarian. Personally, I am a bona fide Igbo man and no law of the land forbids a bona fide son from being a libertarian - don't mistake libertarian for weakness, or conscientiousness for cowardic,e.

Aftershock:
Its,only a,weak igbo man that a Yoruba woman can carry to her village for wedding.

I don't want to believe that you are serious about the quoted statement above.

Mariangeles:
You're not only reasonable, you're objective, fair and wise
Can I follow you?

Lol, thanks. To your question, of course.

ERCROSS:
Wowwwwww!!! Learned something new today. I like your perspective of view on this subject. You said, a reasonable woman (or man) is an intelligent woman, but not all intelligent women (or men) are reasonable. Do you mean to say "All reasonable women are intelligent?"

Yes, all reasonable women (people) are intelligent. It takes a combination of sound intellect (intelligence), selflessness (good morality) and meekness (good psychological health) to make sound judgement - sound judgement is equal to fairness. Fairness is the hallmark of reasonableness/conscientiousness.

Reasonableness/conscientiousness vs intelligence - a reasonable woman (or man) is an intelligent woman, but not all intelligent women (or men) are reasonable. So, I don't agree with you. Seek ye a reasonable woman who has altruistic interest in you/who voluntarily has interest to pursue oneness with you, provided that you're a reasonable man and equally has altruistic interest in her, and treat her queenly - if you can achieve this feat, through experience you'll understand that truly love is the greatest refreshment in life.

It's better to have an intelligent woman who isn't reasonable as a formal (business/political) partner rather than as a wife or intimate partner. If you have an intelligent woman who has crass and expedient personality as a wife, she will drain/ruin you, while if you have a reasonable (selfless, meek, unassuming and intellectually sound) woman as a wife, she will renew you, give you peace of mind and help you to grow exceptionally.

sassysure:
In my place, when u are about to get married, your mum and the elderly women will call u and sternly admonish you over one particular thing.
Don't ever allow your husband 2 nights without eating your food. U do that, one of your legs is already out of the house unknowingly.
I usually see that as one foolish admonition but as I got older, I see the sense in what they said.
Ur mum will tell u when u call her that u fkked up. Simple.

There is one thing we have to understand about Nigerian men. They are too egoistic. Now, how do u work around an egoistic man? U bow. That is what he want and rule from the ground. Learn when to surrender even if u are right and look for plan B.
Once a man see you are not dragging headship with him, he will be relaxed around you. Then u will have him at your palm.
If he refuses to eat the first time, let a day pass for anger to subdue. Actually, whatever the man is doing later than a day is ego play. Approach him. No relationship succeed without communication. Even if he don't want to talk, women re known to be very cunning and sly when they want to, he is also your husband, u will know how to get him to see his error. He may not ask for forgiveness that day but he will ask albeit subtly especially the more dominant ones.
Marriage has nuggets.
Very simple ones. Just that we are too blind to follow them.

Even the worst narcissist can cower before his wife if she know the right button to press.

Your misrepresentation of what a man's ego is, caught my attention. The ego (man's sense/awareness of self) isn't the same thing as egoism/egotism - even egoism (self-interest which usually breeds selfishness or self-centeredness or greed), which is about negative morality, is slightly different from egotism (conceit) which is about negative psychology/mentality. All men have ego, but not all men are egoistic and/or egotistic.

The ego, which is innate in all men and a positive possession, is equivalent to a woman's pride (sense of self), which is innate and a positive possession too. All women have pride, but not all women are egoistic and/or egotistic, just like men.

It's one's (man or woman) inability to conquer egoism and egotism that make them opportunistic/expedient and imperious/crass, respectively.

And on this "There is one thing we have to understand about Nigerian men. They are too egoistic. Now, how do u work around an egoistic man? U bow. That is what he want and rule from the ground."

The kind of man you talked about in the quote above is an egotistic/conceited (imperious/crass) man, and the formula to use bring him down, like most of you have been doing since time immemorial and just as you rightly stated, is disingenuousness - unfortunately there's nothing worthy about either an egotistic man or a disingenuous woman - same formula is also used to bring down an egotistic woman. Anyone of the manipulative ethical leanings remains a small-minded person.

An aristocratic woman (a proponent of fairness) won't put up with an egotistic man in the first place, least of taking to disingenuousness to subjugate him.

bukatyne:
(2 + 4)/2

= 3.

Case closed.

To appoint you Mathematician General of the Federation na ihm come remain now.

It's a case of an imperious/conceited man vs a disingenuous woman - two people of the same manipulative ethical leanings. The former will always lose to the latter, regardless of the gender in both sides.

A scenario like this will always play out, provided that people continue to misrepresent love.

IlovePMB:
If he was a man of impeccable character, Nigeria would have been better under him. Because, he was actually the one acting as president. He wouldn't have appointed only northerners as heads of all powerful agencies in Nigeria. He wouldn't have refused isolation for 14 days after returning from Germany and Egypt but went ahead spreading the coronavirus here and there endangering many peoples lives. Why is there no paracetamol in Asorock clinic according to Aisha Buhari. She accused him and Daura for ruining her husband's administration. He was accused of embezzling billions of Naira meant to equip Aso Rock clinic.

Assumption is the mother of all nonsense. Believe whatever you want to believe, but only God can be the judge.

He'll make heaven, if heaven is for those who're impeccable - he was a man of impeccable character. Only people who weren't privileged to know him closely have always been the ones who cast aspersions on his good name.

The male gender doesn't need to fear the female gender - the female gender is neither evil nor smarter than the male gender. Aside biological differences, both genders are the same in every other aspect of life - intellectually, morally, emotionally and psychologically. While as human beings, regardless of gender, we all aren't of the same ethical leanings.

Some human beings are of the manipulative ethical leanings (majority of women belong to this group for a particular reason) while some are of the diplomatic ethical leanings.

Disingenuousness, not smartness/cleverness, is what makes anyone of the manipulative ethical leanings dangerous - even an im^becile can take to disingenuousness, so it isn't rocket science. People who belong to the manipulative ethical leanings always outshine each other in bad things. But they can never outsmart and/or subjugate people who belong to the diplomatic ethical leanings - self-conquest and innate self-realization of each individual of the diplomatic ethical leanings are what make them superior over people of the manipulative ethical leanings.

Disingenuousness, imperiousness (crassness) and opportunism (expediency) are the major hallmarks of people of the manipulative ethical leanings.

You need all the willpower you can gather at this point in time in order to forge ahead, either with him or with another man, after undergoing the following process, because I've detected stockholm syndrome in you - you need to untangle yourself from him, for now. I know that it won't be easy for to do this because of the kind of personality you've. More so, because it's a difficult thing to do for someone who didn't conquer self before going into a romantic relationship.

The first step towards untangling yourself from him is cutting all forms of contact with him, for at least a month, of course, without expecting and accepting any kinds of favour from him - this is why you need all the willpower you can gather now.

You'll be in a new state of mind after observing the above, and it's in the new state of mind that you can be able to tell yourself hard truth, if you're discerning.

Oliver Giroud is an unsung quasi-achiever.

doitforyou:
You’re derailing the thread. The OP asked a specific question, if you don’t have an answer for his question then you move along. Good for you that you have everything all figured out, some people need help.

OP, I haven’t read any, but if you google “books on communication in relationships” you will see a plethora of titles and reviews. All the best in your relationship.

You and I know that your enraged submission is from the place of pains. I know your alternative monikers . . . So, I understand better. Lol.

The answer to the question/need is embedded in my post you quoted, so it baffles me that you aren't able to see it. I gave a solution that can't possibly be found in any of the best selling relationship books out there.