₦airaland Forum

lebete3000:
No mind them na d way forward be dat nah...form like mad man to harass people...cos they know if they just beg ppl no go give dem...na d way be dat nah

Those guys pretend to be mad because they know Nigerians fear superstition more than our Lord Jesus. See the comments on that blog, all afraid of some mad man yet tomorrow they will be falling over themselves in church, screaming and dancing and sowing seed. If they truly believed the God they were serving, they wouldn't back His love and protection up with superstition. Our Lord doesn't need local Naija parlour tricks.

Mstchewwwwww

AtheistD:
Or she has other reasons for considering the proposal. If he was an okada rider would she still be confused?

If his mother dies and he inherits everything she will be married to a man of financial standing.

That statement above I why she has not yet rejected him.

Pop's this poster a bottle of chilled Orijin and serves it with a plate of hot nkwobi for this comment.

She is just one greedy girl whose eye is chooking her. So the marriage will end up in disaster and you will be back here with Part 2 of the movie to play for us.

A smart, calculating, cunning woman would have weighed her chances of controlling him (diplomatically), managing his mum and sucking up to her and confirming his wealth, so that at the end of the day, she laughs last. It is not every woman who has that kind of mind, your friend clearly doesn't. If she did, she won't be asking you for advise, she would have brought her asoebi for you. That's how some girls end up marrying regular guys whilst some others end up marrying Prince William

Abeg no-one take it to the front page. All the pikins and weirdos go full am.

OP, your best bet is a young woman below 25 (fitness in Nigeria isn't taken too seriously, so aim for young and healthy) and there are a lot of unemployed people. Try and make sure your dealings with her agent are very clear, before they try and abscond with the baby or dupe you. And your price is very fair, also make sure the agent is getting some money to your surrogate, so they don't start stressing you with "I need cash, agent didn't give me money" demands.

Speak to fertility clinics (reputable ones), they usually know surrogates or people willing to do so (and they're more discreet and you can hold legal wahala over them better than a single entity).

All the best.

Any good looking tall intelligent man who has money and is well-behaved is an alpha. He has the pick of the litter because he knows his value is high. No matter his race. He will go for a woman who loves him than settle for crumbs. Unless you have Arab money

He is the equivalent of a slim curvy light skinned Nigerian chick with long hair and a Harvard or MIT degree.

They get the cream of the crop, those guys. Unless you have stupid money, they know they can find people to worship them in marriage.

This is a great plan OP! You're gonna be just great! Awesome!

Sigh.

People misunderstand one of the greatest benefits of marriage: Companionship for both male and female.

Do you know how hard it is to find friends that like what you like and even if they don't, at least they will listen to you??

Do you know how hard it is to find someone who will totally understand Junior is getting on every last nerve of yours with his behaviour.

I don't get it when I see men treating their wives badly or see women sidelining their hubbies for their kids. The one person who is obliged to pay half-attention to that gist about that guy's sis from work dating your 3rd cousin twice removed, you're pissing them off. Because apparently you think your friends or kids are gonna be there forever.

If you can't stand up to your parents and tell them your decision and make them respect it even if they don't like it, you're probably not that mature...

Sigh.

OP, good luck with your choice. It is your choice and the world must respect that. Let us know how things work out.

It is oh so easy to say "must she get married, let her take her time, marriage is not for everyone, don't be desperate, let her have kids outside wedlock" from the comfort and security of your home/marriage/relationship. The complaisance stinks.

I know what is like to stop attending weddings because everyone is hooked up (even those small girls), to avoid your fb page before you go crazy seeing all those updates of happy families whilst you're still in your parents' home, the random times people will just start passing comment on your life or discussing your life publicly (well-meaning but you still wanna die).

OP, it is crazy out there and whatever decision she takes is going to be tough. As someone who said "I will find a man and have my kids without marriage" when that situation stared me in the face, I ran like a person being chased by BH. The reality was different from my calculations. Being a single mum is not something you discuss on NL.

It is one thing to half-heartedly want to get married, it is another to want it with every fibre (for the companionship) and be told "marriage is not for everyone, don't be desperate".

A lot of men in your 30s are going to be unserious about you and once you reach 35, all the married ones will show up to attempt to grace your bed. The beauty of age is that you are now bold enough to ask a man "please what are your intentions" immediately he kisses you. The unserious ones will tell you you're rushing them, the serious ones know your age and will straight up say their mind "I want a casual fling, are you interested? " or "I want more than a casual something, I'm genuinely here". Don't get mad, say thanks and move on (I used to tell them "thanks for being honest with me, I'm looking for more than a fling right now but If I change my mind I will inform you" and no hard feelings).

Let her go out. Let her find a hobby. Do things that take her to continually meet people. I was advised that by a single woman in her 40s. Let her not take men seriously, A MAN IS NOT REAL UNTIL HE DECLARES PUBLICLY YOU TWO ARE DATING. That means she should bone all those midnight chatting and phone calls, they mean nothing until the man declares his mind (I see ladies who dump everything and everyone else in favour of those calls, meanwhile he can wake up and decide to stop calling one day and disappear. Then you waste more time in tears and emotion). Grit your teeth and go out (even when you're not in the mood).

Be cautious of that joining some society in church. I have a lot of male friends and they always made it clear that they used church workers and church attendees as their hunting grounds, since they knew most of those women joined church to meet eligible men. So be friendly but remember, he ain't real till he publicly declares your relationship to all of mankind.

Whatever fun you want to have, go and have it starting from now. Every time you say "I'm too tired to go out to this birthday party/office dinner/whatever function", you are reducing your chances of meeting people (we are no longer in the days of Tobit, husbands don't see you praying in your window and knock your father's door down demanding your hand in marriage ). GO OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

If things don't work out, at least you won't have spent your life sitting in one spot, waiting for a bus to arrive that wasn't coming.

I speak from experience and that of my sisters and friends. All the best OP.

In Lagos, once you register for ante-natal, they run it without telling you. I was told upon my OBGYN reviewing my test results for what they said was routine blood work to ascertain my genotype and blood group "so no HIV that's good... "



I heard it's because a lot of people refuse the test even though HIV is suspected. I heard of a naval woman who kept denying and refusing it and went ahead to marry and try for a baby.

GBAGAAUN:
26. for those that live near main road, don't sleep anyhow in the palor ni. last yr in Ikoyi motor killing person that is watching TV in his palour
27. wear helmet if u are cross by under the bridge. Okada e have fall from the bridge and land on top person head

Oloshi!

Totally true. Just attempt to walk under Ojuelegba bridge, if a trailer or danfo doesn't fall on your head, consider yourself blessed.

I remember being in the middle of the express and turning on my side navigator to change lane. Omo see insults! "you can't drive you confused us why are you putting on light to change lane, na only you get light"

EggovinMma:
.
Person need buy gun enter marriage o.

Ah dey tell you o! Someone told me about small firearms training (suitable for a lady), he said it is more effective than an assault rifle and I should always aim for the torso. Practical will come later.

Nigerian men have become something else. Women should go on strike, no marriage no toasting no dates no anything. Until our menfolk begin to appreciate what they have.

cococandy:
Hmmm going for looks unlike me.

I did that for the eccentric essence

Maybe cut my hair and pierce my nose next. Still thinking about it

Oya lets turn this woman-bashing-as-usual thread into something sensible. Everyborri bring your own discussion to dinner. I'll start:

@cococandy don't pierce your nose unless there's a jolly good reason for it. I had an additional ear piercing (with a good reason) but it scared the living daylights out of all my christian-naija aunties and roommates, so I took it off.
But where you place jewelry on your body matters. In Bini culture, only slaves wore upper arm bands. So our parents never let us wear them. Cutting your hair is seen as some as a shaming ritual (colonisation encouraged it in females, said it made them look "clean" ).

Anyhoo how do I convince le hubby to let me display my antique Brass statues? He says my love of antique Nigerian art is too close to loving Juju.

one week is too soon (even if her period is late, unless she has a short cycle). Make her take an at home pregnancy test next week in front of you.

she can be pregnant but She can't know yet after just a week, especially if you're absolutely sure you had nothing to do with her the week before. And most single ladies don't track their cycles so it's harder for them to know when their most fertile days are, so they don't know precisely when they got pregnant.

She may be trying to pin something on you that isn't yours, so if the test result is positive, play calm and wait in 3 months time her doctor should be able to give her a due date and tell you her possible conception date (yes you should be going for ante-natal with her, I don't know why men don't. All these surprise pregnancies will end once you insist in attending ante-natal).

Marriage benefits or punishes both parties.

But when you start mouthing off about how women are "evuls" but deep down you're looking for one princess to heal your broken heart, sigh #lame

OP, your heart will heal one day. This breakup is not the end of the world ehhhhh. Pele!

Cococandy, girl mba!! You need to lose that lace wig and makeup, its too dark for you! Lighter colours henceforth. This is 2015, your time to marry some diamonds, errr I mean, marry a good man

Why is no-one speaking of Adoption? It's much more humane and you will be blessing a couple with their own child. Contact Motherless Babies Surulere or the Catholic church (any big diocese).

And dude, you've gone around impregnating girls and letting them Do abortions without caring... you don't deserve this child. Please don't keep it, Give to a more responsible person.

Everyone be honest if your sister showed up with this guy as the father, would you encourage her to let him stay in her life??

This guy isn't responsible, he's suffering from an emotional high that's why he's feeling an "attachment" to the baby. We all know it won't last. And he'll be disappearing once reality sets in. Abeg let the girl go to St. Dominic's Yaba or Church of Assumption Falomo and tell them she wants to give up the baby to a loving couple for a closed adoption. All will be taken care of and she can try and get her life onto a new smarter track (minus this guy in it)

errrrr...

he's not making up that figure

estate gen + personal gen + inverter = N50, 0000 bill. Minus PHCN. That's in Lekki. 1004 people can hit N120, 000 monthly power bill if they aren't careful. Ordinary Festac got N25, 000 bill for 8 hours of light daily in January. When the light reduced to about 4 hours weekly, Bill became N15, 000. This is minus petrol costs.

I mean, this Is 2015. Why am I still "managing" electricity? I'm using my laptop to power my phone now, why am I defending the people in charge of power after they have spent billions fixing a problem that has gotten worse? Nigerians deserve the govt they have, I don't know anywhere else they would blame the victim rather than the oppressors.

brownlord:
Must you lie? I heard the highest anyone ever got to was the 6th floor, and no one has even gottn to the 7th floor

I was there 2013 and I dint go pass the 2nd floor though my niggas got to the 6th, there is nothin that will make me believe you got to 7th floor, a female for that matter. Please stop the lies biko

The op though, you cool with that baba...lol

8 years ago some guys and a female from my group made it to the top. They were given cocoa and pawpaw by the villagers as congratulations. I made it to 4th layer, other classmates (females) made it to 6th layer.

But they should build a resort at the place. Erin Ijesha and certain places in Ondo state would be great for tourism.

I dunno but I know whom the idiot in this triangle is..

hint: he's male.

How can your kpomo be insulting your beef in the pot of soup...

Nigerian Weddings are something else. May I share some insight into what you should and shouldn't do

Make a Budget

Once you two have decided to marry, sit down and list out what you need and how much you're willing to pay for it. That way, you can control spending. e.g

Bridal clothes N10,000
Hall N100,000
Food N50,000
etc. It will check you from overspending because every vendor you meet out there will do their best to urge you to go above your budget. If your gown is budgeted at N75,000, INSIST ON FINDING A GOWN IN THAT RANGE OR CHEAPER. Same with makeup, if your budget is N25, 000 stop wasting your time, his/her time and saliva trying to beat a N40, 000 makeup artist down. They won't budge so better look for something in your price range from the get-go (I don't punish myself looking at a designer's website or Instagram page when I can't afford it).

Negotiate Your cake. Yes you want that 7 layer amazement but can you afford it? Nope, order 3 layers and ask your baker to use dummy. Then ask
for a price reduction based on that (since she's not baking 7 cakes it should be cheaper).

Your hall should be somewhere that has parking and security. Especially if you're in Lagos. I don't want to attend your reception and lose my phone.

Add 50 extra guests to every list you make. Nigerians will carry their friends, cousins and all sorts to your wedding and be upset if they don't eat, not minding if the IV said "Mrs Uche Toyin" only not Mrs Uche Toyin and co.

1 month to your wedding is not the time for you to start changing your skincare or diet. I've seen bride's say "oh I'm gonna look lighter on my wedding day". Start 3 months in advance so if you react you have enough time to heal your skin.

Let your family know your budget and be careful of family adding their own expenses to it. My mum went and ordered my traditional clothes. I swear they cost N250,000 (just one outfit, unsewn, no jewelry or shoes or gele added!!) then told hubby and I to please repay her. I sharply negotiated and said I would return the wrappers back to her (since it was george) afterwards, borrow gele and purse from her and pay for the laces. Let your family know "omo that is beautiful, but I cannot afford it, unless you are gifting it to me". Same thing happaaened with my hall (my family was picking a hall of N1.5mil, I quickly redirected them to somewhere cheaper before they asked us to pay).

Be careful of friends or aunties who know someone that can do something e.g "I know a decorator, I know a wedding planner, I know a DJ" etc. Hate to break it to you but those people who come recommended by your friends will rarely be cheaper than professional strangers (the family friend's printer was more expensive than the wedding store I approached) and even worse if they mess up, you can't vex too much (because they came recommended by family). I'd rather hire a professional wedding vendor, negotiate and pay them and be able to dictate to my heart's delight. I've been priviledged to meet some topnotch people in the wedding industry so knew whom I wanted to do want before I even got engaged.

Watch out for unnecessary expenses

My hubby wanted champagne (the good stuff, not Moet) plus 3 bottles of wine on each table at the reception. I made him see it was unnecessary, limit the fancy stuff to those who will gift you well and spray you nicely, not that uncle and his 10 kids you only see during family occassions when there's food. You have to be strong-minded and say "NO THIS IS A WASTE".

OTHER SOURCES OF WASTE are:

Bridal shoes: please buy silver shoes that you will wear a million times after.

Jewelry: rather than buy, I went to a relative's store and borrowed a few pieces, to return the next day. Who go know?? Same with your veil and if someone has married recently and they used fake flower bouquet and kept it, swallow your pride and ask them for it. Buy a can of Spray paint for N350 and spray it your wedding colours or nicer pastel colours. Voila, it's new.

Gown: especially if you're planning on changing during the reception, abeg make one gown cheap. Even better, rent the white gown.

Drinks: please limit the fancy stuff to your VIP. Be real, your friends ain't gonna spray you or gift you jack (that's if they even buy asoebi). Save that nice wine for the uncle who will cut you a N200,000 cheque.

Decorator: No, you don't need chivari chairs, you don't need your name on a centre rug lining the walkway, you don't need a specially decorated table for your bridal train, cut it out of your budget. Even mood lights, ask for fewer lights to be used and reduce your budget. Be strong-willed.

Video: How many of you have watched a wedding video recently? So why are you paying for it??

Music: If I pay a DJ more than N50,000, that's a waste. I've seen N20,000 DJ who did a better job than some MAC-wielding N150,000 DJ.

MC: my hubby thought a fancy MC would make the night more interesting. I reminded him that he couldn't remember the jokes Ali Baba cracked a few months ago at an event, so why spend so much on something he may not remember the specifics of, just that he will say "I think I remember the guy was funny"?

Wedding IVs and Programmes: the only people who will keep them after are your mum, his mum and parents of unmarried kids. Everyone else will fling them. At the wedding store I went to, the saleslady kept insisting "I think you deserve N400 per IV, it's not too much for you" I thanked her for her flattery and said N40,000 for 200 or more IVs was my budget and if I couldn't get cheaper, I would send out nicely printed letters and take my business away from her. She stopped her nonsense immediately. My mum wanted pictures of us in the IV, I stopped it (totally unnecessary and not classy).


WHAT YOU SHOULD SPEND ON

Photography: after your gown cost N180,000, you now hire N40,000 photog who shoots nonsense and the beauty of your gown is lost

Food: If you don't feed people (and feed them on-time) they will sit down and watch you whilst you dance. No spraying money. Do you want that?

Music: if your crowd is Yoruba, hire a band. You will enjoy it more. Good music means a happier crowd.

Wedding Coordinators: mine was a straightfaced man. So if he said "please sit down drinks are coming", people felt ashamed to be making a fuss. Plus he had assistant wedding coordinators (I don't like ushers, they are usually uni girls who have no courage to be strong and get overruled by aunties). He also called all the vendors beforehand and the 2 mothers and gave them instructions. Everyone else he ignored that day.

There is a vendor for every budget. If the vendor you are speaking to keeps saying "I can't do this for your budget" don't negotiate, thank them and go away to find a vendor in your budget.


Remember there is Life after Wedding. Any monetary gifts you receive during wedding planning, I recommend putting it in your savings account and don't say "oh now that I have extra, let me add to my budget".

Be firm. Have fun!

Preternatura1:
Hi Ms onegai, it's nice to read from you again.

Please understand that I'm in no way advocating that women don't cook, that's not it at all.

You see, there have been days I wished I know how to cook whatever I wanted to eat, my not knowing how to cook is not entirely by choice, it just somehow never happened when I was growing up, I am able to cook the ones I can today because I developed the zeal to learn along the way, it's true my bf influenced me but still, I'm learning not because I want to get married as my married sister doesn't cook, the same can be said for my mum, I do have some friends that know how to, it just never was part of the program in my home and this is because of the mum I have, this hopefully won't be the case with my kids.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I can manage my finances, my bf just has a different kind of taste is all.

Don't pick offense please but you sound kinda angry, why would anyone castigate you for saying what you feel?

My dear I'm not angry with anyone. I was speaking to every young woman out there, reading this, I'm sure I mentioned it.

Please allow me to address young women out there, on the subject of cooking.

Every woman should know how to cook.

You are not learning how to cook to become a wife, you are learning to how to cook in order to take care of yourself. How can you claim to be independent and cannot feed yourself? Cooking (and doing it well) is an accomplishment, just like speaking fluent French, getting a degree, buying your car, being able to pay your rent.

I am unsure of this trend whereby lack of skills in the kitchen is equated to being of a very high social class. It is antiquated.

Btw every man should know how to cook as well.

Oyegun's daughter can cook. Okoya's daughter can cook. Tinubu's daughter can cook. Jim Ovia's eldest daughter can cook. Nana Attah (I won't mention her married name) will certainly make sure her girls can cook something. Akenzua's daughters can cook. I could keep going on with the names. Granted, they may not do it often, but even those of us that had chefs in our homes (plus maids) had to know enough to be able to describe how we wanted our meals. According to a friend's motto, "Even if na only Egusi you fit make, at least you can make the best, d*mn Egusi soup in the world".

Dangote's son is expecting you to at least enter his kitchen and come out with more than Indomie, from time to time.

My hubby's family and several of my friends' (with parents who were comfortable, wealthy, stinking rich and some who were even foreign) went even further to insist on no maids while growing up. It didn't take anything away from their children's perceived "poshness".

You should be able to manage your finances. Before you get married. If I meet a lady in my brother's house who cannot tell me whether or not she has a savings account, I will tell my bro "you've not found the one". Or perhaps you are the type of lady that thinks "I will need to make more money in order to afford the finer things in life". Good luck with that. Because even if you earn N1mil monthly, and you spend N800,000 monthly, you're still poor.

If you cannot get over the little things, don't get married. Seriously. Everytime I complained about something my mum did, one of sisters would tell me "if you can't live with her, forget that wedding gown. Even your kids will have character flaws you won't like.". Everyone has what drives them up the wall. To each their own.

I've made an analogy to Team Building and Leadership. There's no room for 2 captains in a ship. Please feel free to burn a bra in vex or castigate me for being truthful.

I won't say anymore on this thread. Perhaps I am an old-fashioned dragon...

And in delightful news, it is International Women's day and Mr Onegai has made me lunch (indomie and sweet corn, with a white wine) Go Mr Onegai!

babyosisi:
That was harsh

That was tough love. I've heard complaints like hers from a few women and I wonder if they are looking in the mirror. One of them is pushing 40 still telling herself this. Meanwhile she's dating married men! One of my bros ex broke up with him in her 30s because even though he was what would be considered a Lagos big boy, he'd rather die than write a cheque for some chick's Dubai trip. She traded a man who will take care of her and her kids and do his best not to cheat for someone who will send her enough fancy gifts. Guess who wants to come back now? I've seen those glamorous lives upclose and most are not pretty, but on social media they won't show that.

I get it, particularly if you live in Lagos and are into social media. You really will be affected by it all. But you have to be honest with yourself.

The poster sounds unsatisfied with this man merely because she feels and I quote "he's not the caliber of man I thought I'd end up with". Honey if he wasn't, you would have been out the door in a month, not have gotten to know him, kiss him, go out on dates, accept gifts, sleep with him and dated him for 3 yrs.

A person is not defined by how she/he holds a fork but by the words that come out of his heart.

Don't worry, she can write off everything I said. She doesn't need me to convince her, but hopefully someone else whom is feeling equally unsatisfied and cannot put a finger on why will wake up and smell the coffee. Btw this feeling affects men too. I have a male friend I call "chairman of the assistant boyfriend association of nigeria" because of how he kept breaking up with nice girls who adored him, in constant search of that yellow Catholic Igbo princess from a nice home. And those girls always use him as a back-up. Sigh.

Preternatura1:
Thank you a great deal.

The truth is that, we are not so alike, I do know that there are few things we like in common however.

He thinks I'm "too oyiboish/buttyish" and I sometimes think he is not exposed enough, I have tried to win him over to my side and to be truthful, somethings did change but I'm still not satisfied. I know it may sound silly adding such thing to the list of what I consider important in choosing a life partner but I've not been able to shake this feeling and believe me, it has been there for a long time, I just didn't know we'd get this far as this is a relationship I started when I still considered myself 'a girl experimenting', now marriage talks has come up and it's like I'm realizing, I've always wanted to end up with someone like myself.

I just don't want to lose a good man, so I'm wondering if something like this is too flimsy. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate.

I will encourage you to break up with him.

Ehhhh you'll most likely regret it but at least you'll learn beautifully from the experience, lol.

oya shall I be frank? Please answer the following:
Is your dad/mum a lifetime member of Ikoyi club? If they Google your last name, does something pop up? Do your parents own real estate somewhere in UK (preferably St John's wood)? How many times have you or your family flown 1st class on BA? Where's the Riding school in Lagos located and when did any of your brothers start playing polo? Do you have tickets to MUSON concerts on standby? If you get married tomorrow, will you be assured of at least N1mil in gifts from your own family?

If no to all those answers, you are not a "butty" you are a mere Nigerian girl who has filled her mind with Instagram, Bella Naija and Linda Ikeji's vulgar excesses. And sweetie, all them posh boys, they don't marry middle class girls. So you better go give yourself lots of brain or just break up with what sounds like a man who cares about you (who isn't perfect).

Sorry if I sound harsh but the unrealistic and materialistic expectation I see in Naija society is irritating. Particularly when I watch men and women make life decisions based on it.

Now if you had told me "I don't like this or that in his character" that's great. That's important. But you are not that much further up the social ladder than he (most people attract and marry from their social class) and you feel you deserve Mr. Cream-Wannabe-Proposal-in-Dubai because you are wearing fine dresses and fixing "brazilian".

Just break up with him already. sigh.

Preternatura1:
Thank you OP and the rest of the crew for the awesome job you are doing, you are indeed wonderful women.

Please, I'd be very honored and grateful if you can take out some time to help me out here.

The thing is that, I'm in a relationship of 3 years but I don't feel like I have feelings anymore, I feel nothing when we kiss let alone make love, I do love this man but I just don't feel that feeling you get, the butterfly kinda thing, this is someone I'm talking marriage with, I also can't shake the feeling that he's not really the one, I mean, he does what he can to make me happy and he is indeed a faithful man, I'm also faithful but it seems to me like I built a man in my head and he's not exactly up to what is in my head.

I do know that, if I marry him, it will make him the happiest man on earth, I want him to have that and I know he'll do his best to make me happy, but what about me? Will I ever be as happy as I'd love? Will the way I feel now pass?

I sometimes think of leaving but I feel so bad whenever the thought comes in, like I'm being ungrateful and mean, he hasn't really done anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be heartbroken, what should I do please?

I'm 25 btw and he's 30, we both work and it's pretty much 50/50 financially.

I can relate. Being in a long-term relationship is hard work. But I will ask you to do something:

bone your feelings. forget that butterfly feeling. It's not important and means very little. Emotions cloud your judgement and that butterfly feeling is deceptive.

Good, so let's look at the man closely. I will ask you to do what one of my bros did:

make a list of what you want, who you are and what he is. Be honest, if after 3 yrs of dating, you can't write a fulscap about him, then there's an issue. Write down if you have changed (where you the malice-keeping type for example, have you stopped and if so, was he involved in the process). Write down what changed about him, were you involved. You really need to think.

Sometimes we get what we need not what we want. So you must evaluate if what he is, is something you like and want. Think of your happiness now, ask yourself "do I want to be 60 yrs old beside this man?"

I had a great guy whom I didn't really feel much for and turned him away. 3 yrs later, I regretted. Meanwhile all the guys I was dying of emotions for, now I can't even remember what they look like. So you have to think carefully. if after you write it down, you look and see that "this man isn't what I want", then let him know quickly, so you don't waste your time and his.

Now if you decide to stay, you need to spice things up. Newsflash: you can't spice things up you are constantly bored. Nigerians don't have hobbies except for visiting people, going to church and weddings. That's it. Lord knows what people talk about if their gen isn't working.

So, become an interesting person. My hubby and I reconciled because of one of my hobbies, Horticulture (flowers) and one of his hobbies, Wines. There's so much to do and see affordably self. Discover new places to visit together. Get yourself tea light candles, in fact that local long candle, cut it into smaller pieces for a cheaper update ! ), get bubble bath and On Friday night, turn off your light (if PHCN even gives you sef) run a bath and sit him and you in it. Yes your bath is small but you're naked inside water, no redblooded male will notice the bath size.
Take walks together and talk about your future. Start building behaviours that will help you during your marriage.

All the best. You have work to do.

it's a traditional style: in Ekiti and Ondo states, after the Oba dies, one of his female relatives becomes regent until a new Oba is crowned. During her reign, she has to wear Agbada (mandatory).

A washing machine isn't a personal item. In Nigeria, a lot of estates don't make allowance for your machine (your landlord will tell you not to break his wall, water supply in that area may be inadequate) and some wives may not be privy to that info.

Cooking pots was my mum's metaphor: she had lost her hubby to a 2nd wife, numerous women and her man was tired of all that crazy and didn't know where home was. She could have screamed at him (she has a hot temper) she didn't need him for anything after all he had put her through. Instead she made him want to take care of her, want to pamper her, focused his attention back on her when she realised he was tired of running mad, made him feel good. She made him feel like a king, over buying cooking pots. She jejely waited till he got tired, appealed to his ego and that was all. And he came back. He spent the rest of his life trying to please her and win her and make up for lost years.

That woman will not condone an abusive husband, expects her sons to cook and never nagged me for marrying much later than my peers. She made me reject expensive gifts i got (as a young girl) from guys because she said it would make me focus on their generosity, not their true worth. She has never lacked financially, she made her own money. She knew that each situation was different, and that a woman doesn't have to use strong head to declare her independence and assert herself. My MIL is another woman like her.

It's never about how well you can argue, it's about the easy way and the smart way.

I wonder where Mutter is. I don't see eye to eye on some matters with her, but she's a helluva smart lady.

bukatyne:
I get the Tinubu/Buhari analog well

That's his specialty... Lagos State case in point

I also agree the marriage requires people management skills.

I remember a book where a pastor was nagging his wife on tithes (she did not believe and he wanted to use 'I am your husband, you must pay thingy') and God told him to relate with her how he would relate with the other sisters in the church

I think the challenge is to find out what really trills your spouse and go for it. We think some things are cast in stone and any deviation is met with rebuff.

Someone believed in helping his wife in the kitchen, fortunately/unfortunately, his wife thought it was unmanly and it caused quite a number of fracas before hubby backed out and left wifey alone...

Such stories abound daily; if the wife in the initial story knew her hubby has issues with her buying some stuffs on her own, she should have since learnt to manage the situation.

And I have a lot of issues with ladies interpreting feminism to mean been rude and unreasonable.

I wasn't deliberately rude, I just was very impatient and really smart and I was equally nasty to males and females. Like I could go "we've already discussed this, you need to focus and pay more attention" and I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. And I could say that to males and females and if you complained, I would ask if you were an adult, wanted to be treated and paid as an adult. I grew up with a brother who, when his driver said he should please "grease his palm for the weekend", proceeded to do so and then deduct it from his next paycheck. He told the man "the only thank you I owe you is your paycheck, please stop this false niceness. We're all really tough in my family, I used to hate people complaining about the way I sounded or I said things I would go "listen to my word not my tone, you're an adult, process my words intelligently"

I swear, there's a video of me somewhere reducing someone to tears, without dropping a single insulting word. I didn't know I was being filmed...

bukatyne:
Nice write up

@bold, I think that is where quite a number of people (feminists and anti-feminists) get it wrong!

Another thing is there is no fixed way of doing things... a couple should decide want works for them and stick with it.

Which one be Tinubu and Buhari again?

Lol. People are more scared of Tinubu being in power than Buhari being president. Even in the north, PDP is telling Northern leaders "this will be Yaradua part 2, only that Tinubu would be the kingmaker not OBJ". And it is working. If you're in the inside of politics in Nigeria, Tinubu is a kingmaker, who controls everything. Yet he's not planning on being president. I have met some wives whom when I spoke to their hubbys, I realised almost all his decisions were hers, but he didn't know he had being subtly led and their wives never gloated or acted like they were challenging the man (infact their saintly angelic-ness used to amaze me )

It's not about constantly begging a man, you don't go about constantly kissing your boss' behind, but you do it once in a while and perform your duties well and get commendations and rewards. Yet you come home and throw all your intelligence and people-managing skills out the door because you're a husband or a wife and start acting baffled when it blows up in your face.

You do petty things and cold-shoulder your wife when you will be more patient if that was your work-colleague. You cheat on your wife when you have problems, though you have been practising long-suffering, patience and hardwork, working at your company that doesn't give you the job satisfaction and financial reward you think you deserve. You start insisting on sharing and demanding for authority with your husband when you know your boss calls you into his office, gives you a project, you make suggestions and let him/her give you the go-ahead.

Seriously, detach yourself emotionally and view your marriage as a longterm working relationship with mutual benefits and make smart decisions (I know I'm no romantic). You wanna be in a team, well, someone's gotta lead, someone has to be 2nd in command and the rest are followers. Team leader listens to all and makes final decisions and takes the most responsibility, 2nd in command is loyal to team leader and does their best to smooth any issues out that team-leader misses out on, takes on some responsibility and their highest reward is to be the best 2nd in command. Followers do as they're told, chip in support, call out team leader and 2nd in command if something is going wrong and all of them pull together.

Now, change the names of team leader, 2nd in command and followers to either children, wife, hubby. Try different permutations. Let me know which makes the most sense.

A lot of times, people are trying to prove a point. It's not for me to tell anyone my way is the best. Whatever floats ya boat, man.

nannymcphee:
Even in Christian counseling, sometimes the norm isn't followed. Someone mentioned how the pastor instructed her to apologize to the husband for snooping around his phone, his crime was no longer the issue but her checking the phone

The pastor got insults,Someone else here had the same issue & her parents asked her to apologize, the truth is we here are the ones without privy background info, we are screaming based on the norm but the pastor & the other lady's parent are the one with specific knowledge of the couple or circumstances & I believe they judged accordingly

Just to digress a little, some folks see no need to seek counsel from a pastor before getting married(am not talking about see vision & the future) forgetting that the pastor probably know the person more than u or a certain challenge that the person has that u don't even know of & when it comes to light it might not be something u can handle

An individual might have some spiritual issues or even physical challenges & maybe he or she is currently being helped or counseled by a leader, knowing how big that issue is & that the person hasn't over come it, out of the blues the individual comes up to say I want to get married, if you are the minister, will you give ur blessing?

back to the issue, what works for A might not work for B, mama onegai had every reason to challenge papa onegai over the pot issue cos as rightly pointed that was supposed to be a woman's territory, but she knew what rocks the husbands boat & chose to act according to Oga's dictates. At the End of day, Papa onegai ego was massaged as The Lord,master & sole provider while mama onegai got her new pots!! (No wrestle mania, no Inlaw to settle fight)

lets pray to God for us to find the easy path & that which will work for us!!

This.

Mama Onegai just wanted to change a few pots. She could have bought them, he would have noticed eventually and kept quiet. But she wanted to reinforce that idea her hubby is to constantly care and provide for her. He ended up getting new expensive pots, fine China, silver dinnerware from Italy and all sorts.

Do you really wanna win the battle and lose the war?

After all, Esther in the bible could have confronted the king rightfully in his throne room with "please we need to talk. There's a plot afoot to commit genocide against my people and I have identified the people involved in it. Please fix this" or even better she could have had those men gotten rid of herself.

Instead, she threw her king a feast. And besought him in tears to do the needful.

You're going to submit to a man one day, better pick one worthy of your kneeling. The power is a woman's hand to pick a king, so choose wisely. Not every man deserves the honour of your company. And when you do give it to him, let him be your king.

babyosisi:
Sorry I have to say it here in the spirit of this thread so no one gets the impression that this is acceptable behavior
It's not
I have never seen or heard of a man who takes notice let alone care about the pot his Okro and Ogbono soup came from
He is controlling,extremely controlling
That is not how to treat a woman you love
I hope when you get married,it won't be to someone who will subject you to schemes and devices to get ordinary pots bought
Things a man shouldn't be concerned about in the first place
If she had the means she could have simply gone to the market and bought herself some new cooking pots
That is a woman's territory

My dear, I am married. He made me breakfast in bed, I even have pictures. We're a mature couple.

A controlling man will slap his wife for buying that machine.

A regular guy will keep quiet and realise his wife likes to undermine his authority.

Let me know when your boss applauds you for doing something he had already told you he would take care of. Even my last female boss reamed my arse for doing that last year (and I was totally right).

I spent my 20s thinking feminism was fighting every man and be able to step on his toes confidently. On 3 different continents. In my 30s, I realised true power and equality came from being the Tinubu, not the Buhari.

This case was washing machine, me I did worse when it was my turn. He (a Ph. D from an ivy league who is very modern) loved my independence when he met me (i was a chick with an investor on standby to protect my financial assets 2 months before the Nig govt started announcing how oil prices were affecting the economy. I redefined the word Independent) but couldn't live with it when I constantly made him feel I didn't need him for Jack and could call all the shots (my territory was his whole life, not just the kitchen. And they were all great ideas!). We couldn't live with each other and called off our wedding when I was expecting (I honestly wish I could tell my story). Anyone who tried to control me would have died in the process.

I simply started letting him be my knight in shining armour. He's the one who always wants to wear his wedding ring now.

Men want to see your eyes light up happily when they provide for you. It grows their ego and they spend the rest of their lives trying to constantly please you. And they really hate you undermining their authority.

if that wife, in the few weeks she had after asking him again, had baffed up, fixed her nails, looked good and smelled nice, been wonderful in bed and On the appointed day, let that man come home to see her with her nails chipped, sweaty and tired my saying "I washed all the clothes I'm so exhausted".

She would have gotten a washer and dryer. A correct one, more expensive than what she budgeted.

You need to meet one of my older sisters. She's the worst bully in the world and yet has her hubby wrapped round her little finger. And he is happy being there.

babyosisi:
So what was the problem.how is it that such an intelligent woman would beg to buy pots .Did he control all her funds

He controlled nothing. Mama Onegai is independently wealthy in her own right. Property in her name, but her cooking pots to feed her husband came from him.

But ask your husband, if you have asked him to provide you with something, he didn't do it according to your schedule and you went and bought it yourself...

Ask him how he will feel.

Perhaps also ask your mum.

babyosisi:
If she could afford the new pots herself,she should have simply gone out and bought them,no need to ask for permission to replace her pots and pans.
Most women in today's world don't
That's why no woman should be a housewife asking for money to buy sanitary pad sef

Lol. My mum was a big importer in Nigeria during that period. She had the money, handled contracts, sold lace to all the first wives and owned property in Lagos, Benin and some other places (and rarely had our time). There's no society woman she didn't know (I wish I could mention the names of people who even taught her how to speak Yoruba, they are the ones in charge of both political parties in the country).

It wasn't about the money. She could have bought a million pots. And continued to flex muscles to an annoyed husband. It is never about the money. I learned the hard way with my hubby.

Even a white guy who does counselling told me "it's not about your fancy degree, how many languages you speak and how accomplished you are, it's about how you make a man feel".

I don't know any graduate who hammered like my mum.

.