₦airaland Forum

it isn't about the washing machine, it's about how some men want their wives totally dependent on them. They want to be your alpha and omega. They want to be in total control. All men have it, but the level of how bad it is varies from one man to another.

My mum handled my dad in a smart manner when she wanted new pots and he was taking forever to replace them. She simply kept quiet, cooked a great meal, then when she was done, used her hand to deliberately hold one hot corner of her old pot. My dad came home to meet a clean home, well-behaved kids, a great meal and his pretty wife sniffing and quietly holding her tears in a brave matyr's mien (my mama can act ; D ).

Guess who got new pots?

If that lady had tried that with her boss (going above his head on a matter), even if she was right, her boss will lambast her for trying to supersede his/her authority.

It's just a way of managing people.

Men want to feel like they are your providers and defenders. Yes, they have pride and ego, they must learn to control it, but don't keep challenging it and for goodness' sake don't nag about what you want.

Have a budget for everything.

Shop around, ask people to suport you by paying for some stuff.

The most important things are your pictures and good music, food and drinks. Everything else is jaara (why do you need a video, most are badly shot and edited, and you will watch it once and that's it.)

If you spend cheaply and expect guests to spray you, you're deceiving yourself. we attended a wedding recently, the poorer groom's side was fed quickly whilst our side was delayed from eating for an hour after all had eaten (all we were given was water). The couple started dancing, expecting to be sprayed by the more comfy bride's side. We sat and removed our faces. The couple started coming to our table to greet us, we greeted them and sat down. Moral of the story: know your important people in the crowd and take care of them. There are people you take care of well, so you reap the benefits.

Brides, stop buying bridal shoes. Get silver shoes you can wear after. And you can borrow a veil, hairpieces and jewelry.

do a nice IV and a cheap programme, as most peole will judge you on your IV and decide whether or not to show up. Remember you want the right caliber of generous guests.

If you plan well, you can get a lot of gifts and cash gifts.

Later, they will come and say "wonderful African values and the Western world is corrupt and evil".

Imagine paying and trusting your baby to someone who makes further money renting them out to people who sit under the sun, preying on your conscience. All for profit. Then sundays, churches will be packed full.

Ogbeche77:
Next stop Salzburg (Austria).. Home of the late famous composer Mozart and also Dietrich Mateschitz, the owner of Redbull with net worth of $10.5 billion..

I shall find time to share the beautiful pictures from Austria

Lovely. You should have done the gondola ride, my sis and hubby did it.

If you like classical music, Salzburg is great. It's on my bucket list to go buy a proper violin from there...

Hello, will be looking you guys up in a few months. I've seen your building signboard on Ozumba, do you have paint swatches in-store? Thanks.

They should transfer this animals to Lekki Conservation Centre. The animals there are free (that poor tortoise that Nigerians will go and be sitting on, to take pictures ) and those cheeky adorable monkeys who will sit down and talk to you about giving them food

I'm not making the last part up, the monkeys are hilarious.

babyosisi:
Let me make this clear,the average nigerian man is not born with a willingness to help the woman in domestic stuff
He never saw his father or uncles do it.He saw his mother work her hands to the home catering for everyone if there were no maids and probably just saw his sisters help as they got older.
My husband cooked me a meal on our first date and after he married me and realized later on, I couldn't quite cook .he continued to cook and taught me how to make certain things after marriage.His mother taught the boys to cook and I benefited from that.


Later on he backed off completely and I did it all
Our babies came soon after marriage and I was still doing everything
(The only time he cooks is when I am in the hospital having a baby.He will bring yam peppersoup to the hospital the next day and the fridge will be full of cooked food to last a few weeks.)
By the second baby,I was still doing it all it became unbearable and I suffered in silence because I figured that was what a good wife should do but I would complain about it and give hints until one day I actually broke down and cried hysterically.
We were getting ready for church Oga was eating breakfast.I fed and dressed up my almost two year old and was getting the baby ready,I turned around,the 2 year old had taken off her shoes and jacket and put a stain on her dress.i still had the baby bag to pack,get myself ready to make it to church where I led praise and worship and couldn't afford to be late.
I felt so overwhelmed and just cried asking why he couldn't just help rather than just sit and eat while I was struggling
Told him I couldn't do all this by myself
That was when he realized it was a lot of work for me,sometimes the man doesn't just know you need help.
From that moment on,he started to help on Sundays with baths,feeding and anything I asked,well most not everything(the machines will come out a times )
And by the time I started working my "ogwu aja jobs",he would bathe the youngest one and dress them up as long as I laid out all the clothes
So from that moment on,it got easier
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was
By the time the third child came along,he started doing most of the midnight feeds and the baths too.
I will even run away to another room to catch some sleep when the baby wakes up,he will warm the bottle and give it to the baby.

Now the kids are older and do most of things by themselves,he is back to his old self
He won't pick up a pin
And that's ok
We have people to do that not just me

Don't mind them, they will cook for you during courtship and you will be smiling like fish happily let that ring enter your finger...

But I don't think all MIL believe that, I just asked Mama Onegai and she said "what is wrong with that? After all your father cooked weekends and let me rest". She thinks men should cook so anyday their wives bluff, they can handle themselves without starving.

And she's 65, so it depends on the family you're marrying into.

anthoniaz:
Nice thread.

Here is something I want to try.

Hi dear, I can't see the picture you posted, could you pls repost it, let's look at it together.

Okay, I've seen the pics, not bad! My only concern for you is to find the best type of adhesive to use (since it's a lamp, it will generate some heat, so you don't need a glue that melts under certain temps). I think a glue gun would be best for this. Have you tried it?

Working on another 3D alphabet (was halfway through it when I realised I hadn't taken pics again, so will see if I can do another with pics). Also, have some other projects in place. So stay tuned.

MarvellousGod:
Hi Onegai...i Learnt you are a make up artist, i need some advice.. i want to buy foundation, powder, concealer,primer, eyeshadow et al, which product do you think is best? i need something that wont hide my natural colour or make me look too shiny, i'm chocolate/brown.. My friend told me to buy black up.. what do you think? Also, do you know about their prices? Thank you

no problem. Please pm me, just to let you know there is a consultation fee (paid upfront) for one-on-one info (I will detail that in the pm) before we start looking at your lifestyle, skintone and your comfort zone. I'll be expecting that pm. Thanks!

Now, back to the thread...

I'm not defending the OP. I am going to speak to many newlyweds and young people who are getting married or getting scared of getting married, I'll use the OP's case to explain some bits.

Taking charge is a wonderful thing, if God gave you that sort of character. I used to tell my bf "you need to take charge more!" until I married him and even my sister said "you cannot force him to be what you want".

And in Nigeria, we value people who know how to scream and shout, I rarely see people who know how to take charge. I used to think I was the Queen of Taking Charge until I was told to my face by a very nice person that I was actually the Queen of Abrasive Naija-Style Giving Orders

So, Xavier3, you are judging from outside. I'm saying this because if my husband had come to NL to tell our story, all of you would have asked him to divorce me (yet I was the one wanting to leave). My husband complained so much about me that he even went so far to say "She is trying too hard to please me".

Yep.

I will repeat it: my hubby complained I was trying too hard to make him happy. He said it to me my face and I laughed and told him to go and open a thread on NL and make this complaint. (our fights had episodes of laughing, shouting, screaming, crying and pleading all in under one hour, that same energy wasted we could have used to become Billionaires). Wisdom kept him quiet. So he started complaining about other things, that would make people side with him. And I did the same.

There are things you don't see until you are upclose to a person and that sort of relationship requires years of close friendship or marriage.

Pregnancy is hard and I swear your hormones are all over the place. We get so aggressive, omo one of my sisters beat up an okada man (he tried to slap her for hitting her car, she didn't look pregnant. The police had to come and beg her he was on the floor looking dazed, my sis was energetic like a WWE wrestler. Then she came home and wept about it, as if she didn't win the fight). So men, please get ready to be patient when your wife gets pregnant (remember, Christ and that church!) and yes, tell your wives how beautiful they are during that period, because walai, she feels ugly. And ladies, when you see your emotions getting the better of you, walk away quietly so you don't say rubbish.

And as for Intimacy Compatibility, I ask you to stand up and show me one woman (particularly during her 1st trimester) who was like the Energizer Bunny in bed. I will even call gynacologists to stand beside me on that issue (parents know that the 1st trimester is lousy for intimacy due to all the hormonal changes, throwing up every minute, constant headaches, people who are spotting, those that need surgery for Appendicitis during 1st trimester which is very common. Smells gave me a headache. I lost my appetite. I woke up with headaches and slept with headaches. I took painkillers and nothing changed. My nether region hurt me and the doctors said it was normal, it's stretching. Worse, all these are common during Pregnancy. Then my hubby will show up and be squeezing his face that I'm no longer Kim K ).

OP, go speak to your man, you both need to understand or lower your expectations of each other. You're married and starting a family, you need to learn how to speak up (not shout like a crazy Naija woman, but get your way in a polite manner) and start being responsible for yourself. And the best person to teach you is that man beside you. As for him saying "Divorce, Divorce", don't worry, I said the same thing, I even told him I feel like dying or committing suicide and he swore he couldn't live with me. We called off our wedding.

He kissed me on the way out to work this morning and I'm going to carry my pregnant ar.se to the market to make him stew. I'm putting things in context for you, so you know deep-down, you're going to be fine.

And let me make something clear: Marriage and fighting in the first year IS NOT NORMAL but 90% of human beings in this world do NOT know how to live with another person, so you're the rule, not the exception. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and get to work fixing it ! You and your husband are both acting like crazy people (trust me on this, half the time, I wonder what was possessing me and he wonders why he was so determined to prove a point). You need to learn how to fight. And reason and manage your expectations of each other.

And please tell yourselves you are BOTH HAVING A BABY. Because it's so scary for both people. So yes, it's hard, but do some chores (some you cannot do any longer, some you can do). Please show him articles on this, and say "bae, please can you help me with this and that and I promise not to slack on these other chores" I know you can handle the cooking, but he can help with buying groceries. Cleaning may be tough for you bending down, but you can certainly dust and if you get a low stool, you can clean the toilet.

Carry that man with you to Ante-Natal (my hubby didn't realise how sore my nip.ples were until he came for our last appointment and the GYN told him, he thought I was also not grooming "down there" being "evuls as uzual" and trying to deny him to intimacy). Now he has become Chief Boo.b and Down-South Inspector (he was made to realise I couldn't see past my growing tummy and I'm pretty smallish with this baby) and is constantly inspecting it and caring for it.

I'm being very candid with you, because NL is full of so many negative people who make it all about themselves and argue and make you feel bad.

Your husband isn't bad, neither are you. You both need to learn how to adjust to each other. You are both wrong. You both need to grow. You both need to realise pregnancy (particularly early in marriage) is hard on couples. There is no such thing as an easy, happy marriage. There is hardwork, and a determined belief that "We will be buried side-by-side".

If you need to take charge, sit him down, tell him "how so?" talk, don't try to defend yourself, you're here to learn. And tell your man "you need to accept me as I am, just improve on some parts on me and I will do the same to you" (Men shockingly have HIGHER expectations than women, we ladies can settle for anything, guys struggle to). That's why I wrote this on another thread and will repeat it here:

"Your wife is NOT gonna be the Proverbs 31 Woman till you love her like Christ loved the church who crucified him and Stop expecting to change your man/woman, make him a Better Tunde, a Better Adamu, a Better Chike, not a Chike who turned into Emeka or a Bisola who now acts like Funmi".

All the best.

I don't blame govt or the opposition, I blame the short-sighted Nigerians who collect these things and vote for them. They prolly trekked there, they have no light, their kids aren't going to good schools and if they have an accident on the way back, they will be taken to an ill-equipped hospital.

Instead of demanding solid answers and concrete explanations from the incumbent and his opposition.

Someone sent me this pic of branded rice and phone. As in, I can't even laugh. And then I watch you guys fight over them, whilst their kids are driving everywhere in airconditioned jeeps and schooling abroad.

I can't laugh.

Everyone should stop judging her. Have you never felt so angry and hurt you wanted to kill the person causing it or hoped the person will die? Stop forming holy. I know I have.

OP, calm down. Far too many men are not trained in responsibility and they don't have good father figures, so they get married and see it as a punishment. A decent man will see it as a blessing (he now has stability which he can go forth and be great on, but not our regular Naija guy). Your husband is acting like a typical Naija guy. You can't fix that.

What you need to do is make a plan. I swear, I showed mine my 3 step plan of how I would survive without him. Not because I hated him but because I wanted him to see calmly I was making rational decisions (heck I even made space for where he could come in and take care of our kid).

Write your plan down, it will help you focus.

Step 1: do as Mutter suggested. No harm in trying to fix things, also, it gets you to one year of marriage by doing it for 2 months.

Step 2: invest in yourself, have a plan, if you leave what next, you need to know where you're going, how you will survive, how you will draw on your internal strenght to cope with crazy judgemental Nigerians who cannot mind their own business. You need to look at your finances, your emotional health, your physical wellbeing. Thoughts such as "where will I carry all my stuff to if I leave" should be be answered. And yes, there is an answer to it. You need to take back control of your life.

Step 3: it sounds like you're not quite close to your in-laws. Speak to them concerning this matter. When I was calling off my own, I first attempted to call his mum (who wisely could feel the anger in my calm text and decided to not reply me at that point till I calmed down). I didn't tell my own mum (because my mama would have quickly rescued me, she has seen the hells of marriage). I still wanted to fix things. So reach out to your in-laws if you still want to do so.

Go get a notebook, start writing your plans down. Ignore him. You cannot bring a cheating man home, you cannot make an irresponsible man wake up. Until parents start bringing up their sons to appreciate the coming responsibility of marriage and not as a cage. And you his wife as a jailer. And stories like yours will keep playing out.

A lot of guys see marriage as "my life is overrrrrr! Wahhhhhhh!!!" Like children. So they start acting to feel free (like chasing chicks, staying out late, spending on frivolous things etc) kinda like a single man (when they're not). They need to realise and accept Life isn't over but has grown into something better. You can help him with the process but you cannot force him to accept it. All that malice he keeps when you confront him, sweetie that's guilt. Don't take it personally. You're not calm and rational, I need you to be. First sort yourself out before you sort out anyone. And pray for strength and guidance, but all these people asking God to turn his heart, remember the Lord gave each person free will to decide whether or not to serve and worship him, so why would he take that free will away because of you? Unless it's in God's plan, she should use these trials to build a better relationship with God and not hurt her knees trying to pray away another human's faults.

Wow, it seems everyone had their babies! Congratulations to all the new mamas.

For the past couple of weeks, it feels like I've lost my appetite, I always feel full. Like I could eat 2 oranges, drink water and that would suffice for dinner (infact it would feel like I cleared 3 plates at an owambe party). I feel hungry, but it feels like there's no space for food in my tummy. I've ve heard it's normal. Is anyone going through this?

The aroused private part one sounds plausible (and is hard for him to explain), most of the doctors I saw abroad (and even here) will sit you on a bed to examine you. So sitting on the gurney or lying on the gurney is the right height for a patient to feel his privates, if he's putting it in her hand (my Gyno here, a prof, will tell you to put your hands on the exam bed, so he doesn't accidentally brush up against your hand, this doctor should know that standard procedure). Also, there's no medical condition I know of that will allow a doctor sedate you in his office. Imagine if you walk in complaining of malaria and wake up 4 hour later, after being drugged. What is his reason?? That's an automatic license suspension. Patients get sedated only after being admitted for treatment or prepped for surgery.

Besides this dude was in America. He has seen his colleagues have a nurse present during examinations, why didn't he do the same to protect himself?

macof:
Na so delta state be?
See too much diversity is not good for a country

My hubby is also from Delta. We used to say 30 mins okada is a new language. It causes so much wahala over resource allocation and growth of the state, you cannot develop one place without being accused of marginalising another. And Nigerians are not trained to be tolerant people.

I'll never forget people asking me "so why did you come back" after pitching an industrial idea that would have really helped Delta state. As if I didn't belong there, as if my father didn't leave me land there, as if that was my first time seeing the place. Nigerians like to use their mouth and ego to kill any goo idea that will not cause division.
I went from wanting to develop my state as a youth, to wanting to develop my country, now I too have joined those who will pack their kids abroad and ask them to grow an develop there. Let me leave Nigerians to themselves.

Warri has always had this wahala, my hubby grew up there, his father is well-known there and when I told him about this thread, he said "Leave them and focus on things that are profitable to your intellect and give enlightenment to you"

tonychristopher:
one of those places is no places, look at how itshekiri and urhobo are proudly representing here and you are saying you are from one of those places. i mentioned many places and where are you from, be confident and stop having inferiority complex. for your information i am married to ukwuani woman and she is pure igbo and see herself as one and i lived in warri so i am apt with delta.


My dear if your name is Ngozi, Ebele, Nkechi, Emeka, Ossai, Obinna, Olisa your simply igbo or you have igbo origin same as if your name is muhammed, Ibrahim, Yusuf, Idris yoyr simply muslim or you have muslim origin same is if your name is Femi, Kemi, Taye, Ibikinle your simply yoruba or have yoruba origin. If your name is Tony, Christopher, John, Mark etc your simply christian or have christian origin


So what is your name
where are you from
what language do you speak
why do you have identity complex or issues?(Not Insult)
Do you know that delta is not a tribe but a state?


please answer this question and I will not want us to derail this beautiful thread. I am warning you.

I am learning so much here and can you open up a thread and lets discuss this, then you can invite us to debate on your quagmire and identity cross roads, but let us not derail this thread.


can you please answer those questions i posted

You have insulted me and are demanding answers from me.this is the reason I limit my conversation to certain people on NL. Good day to you.

tonychristopher:
Why do you want to derail this brautiful thread. I learnt where somebody said that the only thing that unite warri is igbo. I laogh and i wonder how people can be so fearful of igbo


I lived in warri around post office ...okere road and worshiped at ckc

Now for the sake of clarifaction ..IGBO IS NOT CLAIMING DELTA WHAT IGBO SAID THAT DELTA NORTH ARE IGBO PLACES FROM UKWUANI TO AGBOR VIA ASABA TO WHOLE NDOKWA

igbo is not interested who owns warri but igbo will be interested when their brothers in delta north are hurt ...

Now pls don't derail this thread and don't bring igbo here

DON'T DERAIL THIS THREAD

Lol, I'm from one of the places in Delta you just mentioned. I assure you, we are not asking for any Igbo help, nor do we have Igno brothers over the River Niger.
I don't know any Agbor or Ukwani person that will say "yep I'm Igbo". It's so bad that someone was at funeral of an Agbor man and started playing Igbo christian music. His kids rushed to to remove the tape and threw it at his head. Even my nephews are being taught not to marry anything after the Niger river. So please, do not be concerned about us. We thank you for the thought, but don't go to those areas and say "your Igbo brothers are concerned about your welfare", I don't know you but 2015 is not your time to transcend this Earth say amen. It's so bad that I once attended mass in Agbor (went there for something) and during the sermon the Rev Fr preached in English, then switched to Igbo. People actually got up and walked out during the sermon, to show their displeasure. That was when I realised how deep their emotions were.

babyosisi:
Who cares?
When did their little warri ownership problem become a national discus?
Any land you own belongs to you and your family,whether you are ijaw itshekiri or Urhobo because all three groups own the place.
If they are unable to live in peace,Let them delete themselves if they like,Igbos will take over

NEVER!!! The only thing that unites Deltans is the word "Igbo" they used to use Igbo people to threaten us as kids "if you don't go home during holidays, Igbo people will take over, if you don't learn to speak your language, people will assume you're Igbo, if you're not careful, you will marry Igbo".

Nigeria is very conflicted, we really cannot set aside inter-tribal differences, the only way to do so is to ban centuries of culture and language. Which would be an awful thing to do.

AmazingDude:
Liar... Ibibio 4th, Ijaws fifth.....

Errr, I'd have thought Bini would be the 4th, but I do know Urhobo is bigger than Ijaw. I'm from Delta, the number of places that are Urhobo-speaking surpass my language's spread and I am yet to meet several Ijaw people (because they're spread over Coastal areas in 2/3 states doesn't make it a large population).

Reason it out: when people are asking about the main tribe of Delta or language, which language do they refer to? Urhobo

Not Ika, not Ijaw, not Itsekiri (all my Itsekiri friends speak Yoruba sef), not Kwale, not Ibo (though Igbo people keep trying to claim Delta by force). It's Urhobo.

Tyresce:
Honestly! I love your writeup.
Well,my wife is a very caring n lovely wife. I so much appreciates her,even though from the inception of our marriage I didn't really love her despite the fact that she is pretty. However, she married me when I was down financially;although already a landlord with two properties.
Our problem started when I noticed she does not like my mum n I don't joke with my mum. Not like my mum lives with us. Knowing my mum to be a very free n lovely mother,also the person that encouraged me to marry her brought a lot of discrepancy btw us. However, we both have two kids together and for that reason I am trying to make the marriage works even though I can't tell the end thereof.
I know she knows I am attached to my mum that is why she is not comfortable for us being around with my mum but the truth is:she has a son...she too is attached too.

Yes, you value your mum. But Life is a race, a relay race, someone must pass the baton onto the other. It is now your wife's turn to carry that baton. I am a "my mum this, my mum that" person. Today, my sis asked me about my partner: "can you see this man supporting you at your mother's funeral?"

It made me think. One thought was that my mum was elderly and had lived her life and will continue to do so. All I can do to honour her is not to buy her an expensive car or house, but live my life is a wonderful manner.

So which will please your mum, a new car or a happy marriage?

Remember, the relay race can never pass the baton backwards.

candygosh:
Pardon my asking so what will u do when u find ur husband cheating on you and he just doesn't care?
I'm curious

We keep shouting "kids learn from so much tv and social media", why do we think they don't primarily learn from us? They pick up moral corruption, deceit and bad tendencies from their parents before they pick it up from peers and outside influences. Yet we will blame Western society for "spoiling our kids", because it is the Naija way to never take responsibility for our actions.

If his unrepentant arse decides to be selfish, me I will jejely move out with my kids, I've never heard of anyone proudly go "as a child, my father cheated a lot and my mum stayed and we had a WONDERFUL CHILDHOOD".

When you see such, do let me know...

See, when it comes to Intimacy, here is a proven fact: MEN LIKE SKIN. So any wife who cannot account for the privacy of her husband's privates parts to belong to her is playing Kashi: no-one knows the day or hour her number will come up. And now that Nigerians are jumping from bed to bed even easier, it will surprise you that infection rates are remaining steady, rather than declining. So unless she is 100% sure she can make her hubby use protection with her, she is playing Russian Roulette. And she better be fasting and praying. Which they all do.

Seriously, I don't understand why churches will write books and organise programmes all through the year to teach women how to be better wives and be so silent on Marital Fidelity. I respect Catholic church for that, they will halla it in your ears during that Marriage counselling class.

cococandy:
During my nysc, I volunteered for our local HiV awareness group and the things I saw.
The things I saw . Hmm

One guy was even on drugs and didn't tell his wife. The woman was so sick she nearly lost her pregnancy. After she tested positive,she was made to bring her husband for couple's counseling and the man was lying that he didn't know he could infect her since he was on drugs.

I thank God she didn't commit suicide because she was at that point already.

That's what turning the blind eye to an unrepentant cheat can lead to.
I wonder if she can ever forgive herself for bringing a HIV positive baby into this world to suffer because she couldnt leave the man who's penis was perpetually on adventure.

I've heard tales like that before: where one spouse will be taking drugs and not telling the other spouse what it is for (how many women over a certain age are comfy with using the internet??). I know a guy who did that to his wife (his oldest son cursed him, crying, in the hospital while he looked on, ashamed and silent. His uncles were now begging the boy "this is a family matter, let us keep quiet and go home", his mum was crying her eyes out). The other I know was a woman at Nigerian Navy brigg, where she didn't tell her hubby, was in total denial and was trying for a baby.

When I was younger, another sis of mine (a pharmacist) used to see this beautiful older, yellow woman, very classy, drive up to their pharmacy and buy drugs. As in, glowing everywhere matured classy lady. She was always buying Royal Jelly (so my sis decided to start taking some) and would insist on a particular pharmacist handle her prescription. One day, she was there as usual, being her beautiful self, when my sis accidentally picked up her prescription paper: all Retroviral drugs (HIV). She asked the regular pharma whom it was for. The woman calmly answered "Me and my husband". Her face just changed and she almost cried, but controlled herself.

Years later, when my sis' hubby wanted to act like a typical Naija husband and be cheating, she fought him physically screaming "you won't kill me before my time! My kids must have their mother!!" She's never forgotten that woman.

bushdoc9919:
Yeah.....so if I was yer husband...and you caught me with a nice young thing in bed...one day after work...and you get angry....I hope no one will say Anger Management!
True.
How about trust? How about if privacy is cover for some night fun activites?
They probably do....but that does not make it right....and we should not be tolerating such stuff!
(Pardon if I sound angry.....but years of treating wives infected with HIV by their devoted husbands has left me less tolerant. I hope I am not that loutish when I tie the knot!)

My sister said that during Housemanship was her very first time having to tell an older woman who was a wife, with children in secondary school, that she was HIV positive. The way that woman nearly died, screaming and crying when the news was brought to her, cursing her husband in their language, brought her to tears.

The 2nd HIV positive wife she treated threw up blood in her office. They had to fumigate/disinfect it.

After that, she and her female colleagues swore that they would never tolerate cheating husbands.

Women, go to LUTH, go to their HIV support group. Go and see housewives and working women, respectable, bad o, temper o, quiet o, all in anguish, living with HIV. How they are scared of dying and leaving their children unprotected. Go and find out how high the number of them got it from cheating husbands.

I can tell you from experience that children of cheating husbands rarely make good marriages and have healthy relationships, they are so emotionally scarred. Sons and Daughters.

Then come and tell me to ignore my husband's cheating and focus on my kids.

yebo:
honestly i so Much love your comment, You have Saïd it all, i told m'y husband That ces cheating on me but He denied but Just to prove it i went through hes phone n i saw his chat with a lady, asking m'y husband to take hip out That she Is bored at home

Hian, relax your mind, give it some months. Start looking pretty and wearing red pant and bra. Start cooking your hubby delicious meals. There are plenty men out there who wanna take you out (and you can come home even more relaxed )

Na wa o. OP, less than 4 months. Please send her bride price back, you don't deserve to be married.

OP, you know what? It's awfully easy for you to come and pour out your tale of woe and for us to tell you your wife is evil.

If a guy came and told my story, everyone would call me evil. If I came and shared that same story, all the men would be silent because women will be screaming for their blood.

If you are tuly the Head of your house and Commander in Chief of your Home, please answer this honestly to yourself:

Have you done EVERYTHING humanly possible to solve the issues casusing this wahala in your home?

Because you came and told us your wife's behaviour, her past, you painted your past in warm wonderful light and presented a tale where she would look at fault. I truly don't belive any person, male or female would suddenly wake up and act like this.

Please search yourself, then approach her as a friend and fix your marriage. Both of you are sad and hurting, now is the time for you to be a Man (be a leader).

I'm going to watch the Sound Sultan movie, it sounds nice.

You will get bored in marriage if you don't make a concious decision to NOT GET BORED.

You must never compare your wife to anyone in real life or the bible. (That Proverbs 31 woman had a wonderful husband whom you are not like).

you must not keep wanting to fix your husband. I swear, he doesn't want you to fix him, he wants you to make him a better him (a better Tunde, a better Uche, a better Adamu, not a Tunde who was turned into Kola).

Both of you are always wrong in a fight. So it is not "he said, she said", you are both wrong. All the time.

No-one will know if you knelt down to apologise to your wife/husband in private, in order to settle a fight, unless you tell them. So put your ego aside.

Find something nice to say to your spouse every day, find a joke to share with your spouse daily, find time to touch your spouse (caress their head, kiss their hand/cheek, tickle them) daily.

I'm glad this all worked out well. But a word of caution: you had the stronger position and he had much more to lose if he had gone in there guns blazing (I'm sure conversations happened behind your back with your boss and his superiors concerning this matter).

So smile, be polite and diplomatic but don't relax just yet. Do your job, well, continue to work hard and pray and be careful of misstepping.

BTW, my hubby too is a PhD from an ivy league (differenct continent and he had his share of weirdness however I suspect his group was more diverse) and I ran from the US. We are thinking of heading back there, it would be nice to speak privately.

crixtex:
The president was in Ijesha today at the Lords chosen, hence d millitary presence.....

Ah ah. I cannot count in the last couple of years how many times GEJ has come to Lagos. I live there and work there and have NEVER seen tanks in Lagos in the past 5 years.

As in, are you defending this??

I'm no PDP or APC fan, but GEJ looks great on paper, but weak in real life, re his projects.

Sure he threw Nigeria open to foreign investments. Those multinationals proceeded to fill their tech staff and upper echelons with more foreigners. Companies I can confirm that happens in is NigerDock, Airtel (IBM), CCECC and a few others. They're Nigerian on paper, but walk in there (I have). They're not training their Nigerian staff to take over from them anytime soon. CCECC is probably the worst offender, followed by the guys who run the telecomms IT support (Indians).

Fertiliser became a cabal, please go to the big fertiliser producing companies. Fear of Dangote is the beginning of wisdom for fertiliser, Cement and a few other products. He is merciless and will sit on the BOI and make your company's life hell. Fact.

Power hasn't improved. Not for a large amount of people. Lagos didn't improve drastically and we're the commercial hub. Giving villages and towns light with no viable industry to use it, is a waste.

Govt Red tape and Beaureacracy is amazing. Corruption will daze you (from LG to state to FG), running cost of business in Nigeria isn't reasonable.

No-one is saying GEJ didn't do something, but will your company keep employing you after 6 years and you tell them "next year I'll do better though I've not done much since then till now"? GEJ handed too much power to certain people in his govt, so they all work independently (Rail should have been working with Power, Power could have gotten some help from Agriculture, Tourism, Education, Culture should have been in bed with Agriculture and Infrastructure, etc)

GEJ didn't do that (OBJ did, just try having top meetings without him, you go know your papa name that day ) GEJ let them do what they like without having to report to him sef, so they were announcing reforms up and down (you bring in Automobile industry and don't ask Education sector to be at the forefront of it, you are setting up Nigerians to continue being Technician II and middle level Engineer, Bsc or no).

That's my take. I don't know if Buhari will do better (he has too many old faces whom I'm familiar with surrounding him).

I would rather give an outside Presidential candidate my vote. And I know a growing number of people who are eschewing PDP and APC. Yes, say our vote will waste, we are making a statement to both parties: "Nigeria is in trouble and you two don't sound like you have all the answers to our trouble".

He may not be a player. I know a lot of girls who have not taken a guy serious, only for him to marry someone in her circle.

Ladies, if you're not comfy being alone with a guy who asks you out on a date, tell him "hey no problem, but I usually don't do 1st dates alone, why don't we do a double date, you bring a friend I'll bring a friend too"

A group setting is more relaxed for people to meet and you're not surprising him with an unwanted guest. Your second date will go easier and you two will be more at ease with yourselves.

freecocoa:
You weren't familiar with him and your friend Tracy was? Why exactly did you take her along? I'm yet to understand why some women do this, I'd have said you are still a small girl but I've seen grown ladies do same, it's childish in my opinion.

That's how one dude ended up marrying the sister to the lady he initially wanted.

My advise is, if he's lost interest in you, then let him go.

Same thing happened to another couple I knew. The guy met a girl, chased her, asked her out, she declined him (his swag and money wasn't enough). He had to invite himself to her birthday. When he got there, he met her friend. That's how they ended up married. First girl got pissed.

Let him go. He's not yours and next time, if you're meeting someone in a public space, please go alone. A lot of guys hate that thing where they invite a girl to meet them and she suddenly shows up with a friend or 2. One showed up to a movie date with 2 friends. Guy warned her afterwards and didn't call her for 2 weeks as punishment (see begging), though they're married now.

The funniest one was a guy invited a babe to a bar, she and 4 of her friends showed up. He told them to make themselves comfy, they were busy ordering N2,500 and N4,000 drinks, then he calmly walked out. The babe kept calling him "where did you go, who's gonna pay for our tab, I'm so shocked". He replied "did I invite those people? Let them sort themselves out"