₦airaland Forum

SAMBARRY:
Why is this thread scanty like this

taryour:
Thanks sis for the mention. Though I have little experience so I hope my opinion helps.

@ op,this is what I think you should do which I will also advice my blood.

Do not fight him or mention it over the phone reason being that you might act wrongly or say things you will later regret.

Keep calm even though it hurts and go on with your life. When he returns welcome him well (manage to put on a little smile) for the sake of your kids. And let him eat,bath and rest well. When its time to sleep, let the cat out of the bag. In a very smart and calm voice. Walk up to him and tell him you found something that you are sure belongs yo him,then hand him the condoms and leave.

** if he calls you back PLEASE that moment don't answer just leave the room and sleep in another room or with your kids BUT not outside your home. You need to leave his presence for that night to avoid the consequences of anger.

You would have him begging and apologizing all night and till the next day and until you forgive him. EXCEPT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

You do not need any explanations (it will only get you more angry and feel more hurt )

Its either you forgive him or not.

I think this is the best solution. Seriously you will be unable to confront him calmly once you start, so leave the room and avoid explanations for a week. Human Beings are weak so an explanation that starts with "it was a moment of weakness, the girl pursued me, I've been so stressed... " may end with "it's your fault, you neglected me, you're no longer as hot and exciting as you were before... ".

And that will hurt you more. Because it is NOT your fault, two wrongs will never make a right.

Just wake up and live every day for itself, try not to think and try not to cry in public and don't run to your friends just yet (when you feel stronger, go to them). In fact, take succor from strangers (Ewuro4 and taryour seems sensible and very few others here). The reason why is that your friends know him and if you guys reconcile, will always have it at the back of their minds he cheated (if he did). It may cause unnecessary strain and gossip with you guys. Random strangers don't know him and won't be in your life up close to be giving him side-eye and be pitying and judging you and unconsciouly being smug about the situation.

Be strong.

We should all stop advising her and just wish her happy married life, you know she's gonna go ahead with the wedding instead of even telling him to wait 6 months minimum so she can think and decide and speak to elders about his behaviour (she's probably consoling herself with "oh he at least told me before marriage, I'm getting old, the next man may be worse" etc.

Someone lied about the existence of his flesh and blood for 3 years, you're more concerned with the fact that the child exists rather than wonder how he could keep such a big secret for so long and justify it on the altar of selfish love. Na wa.

Mynd44:
We will first curse her for being a loosed woman

Then we curse her for abandoning the child with her mother

Then we curse her for lying for so long.

Then we say she must have other secrets

Then we call her an irresponsible mother

We also curse her for trying to blackmail him into taking another man's child as his own

Then we move on the insult all women.

Remind me to FedEx you one chilled bottle of Orijin for this post.

3 years, he couldn't tell you because he was "scared" of losing you. That sounds like epic selfishness to me. I mean, he could have told you 6 months after, heck he could have told you immediately because there is no point staying with a spouse that cannot accept another child.

If you had kept this secret from him for 3 years, you'd have discovered how deep his love for you his (when you come here to cry that he broke up with you because of this).

I'm not expecting my hubby to pour out all his secrets to me (neither will I) but something this big and this important that will have to be faced in the future (or will his mother live forever, when she passes on, will you ship his child off to another relative to avoid said child?? )

There's nothing wrong with another child but there is something seriously messed up with keeping it a secret from someone you intend marrying for 3 freaking years...

He sent money, he visited, he called to enquire about the child (at least we hope he did all this) and could calmly be telling you how much he loved you without sharing all that info...

And you're concerned about marrying a single father more than marrying a man whose face is THAT STRAIGHT?!

Please stop bringing your emotions into this (all that "love this and he loves me till it pains him" )

The children have NOT been found. That message is false.

The picture of the maid in a black cap and red top is NOT the maid in question. That is another maid who stole N4million worth of cash and jewelry from her employer's and is on the run.

It could be stress or it could be a manifestation of true character. But 2 days to the wedding is really a tough time to be calling it off. Why not speak to her?
Why not show a little more understanding?

Wedding stress is a nightmare (especially in Nigeria) and a lot of women tend to do most of the planning And get most of the stress poured on them, rather than on their spouse (you will never see a groom being woken by some auntie to be told that he better reserve seats for her friends or people query him about catering and backup food. Those same people will have no problem doing that to the bride). And men don't really get involved in wedding planning. My hubby woke up on the day of my introduction to start asking me to go and help him look for kolanut, as he forgot it (I have never bought it in my life, I had no market around me to even go to it and no source of transport. Was I supposed to tell my brothers who are older than him to run his errands when his friends were there, chilling? Won't I be pissed?) You don't know what happened for your friend to get that reaction from her.

She stood up to him (according to your own words) which means he started it And she surprised him by ending it. In every marital conflict, I have learned that it takes 2 to cause it, and both parties are usually at fault. 2 years is a long time to be pretending especially if She and he were in close proximity.

And btw stop saying "a good woman is a woman who never loses her temper and always remains calm" because "a good man is one who doesn't stress a lady and provides for her before she even asks". Stop asking for our Lady Mary mother of our Lord if you know you are no-where close to being a Joseph.

mystiqueDZ:
Right!!! They sure knows how to....but their arrogance#shakeshead

They're not very good at.... o! Most of them think pre-intimacy includes watching Arsenal/Man utd 5 mins before they grab you.

this Vincent Enyeama of a fellow.... if he and I were still available, I'd hit it with the strength and the fist of an angry god Great work ethic, good father, what more do you want

mystiqueDZ:
Right!!! They sure knows how to....but their arrogance#shakeshead

They're not very good at.... o! Most of them think pre-intimacy includes watching Arsenal/Man utd 5 mins before they grab you.

this Vincent Enyeama of a fellow....

Ewuro4:
For real? Some people charge in $s ?

Lekki, Ikoyiand VI, some rents are in dollars. Same with some stores and some schools, all in dollar. Quite a few places, especially on the island.

Quick question:

In 2011, the entire SW and North Central (Taraba and Plateau and co) overwhelmingly voted for GEJ. In 2015, the same regions gave their votes to Buhari.

So why are you people now calling them tribalistic?

And yeah, us SS people don't align ourselves with Igbo politics. Some of it is tribal but a lot of the animosity stems from the fact you guys are constantly claiming us "our brothers and our cousins" and there is a lot of dominancy to that claim. It makes us uncomfortable (an example of that is when Igbos meet me and expect me to speak Igbo, when I tell them I'm not, they brush it aside and tell me "you are as good as Igbo" as if my identity and culture don't matter. I don't care how similar you think we are, please respect that difference. I don't call everything above the Niger Hausa-Fulani, why should you call SS your kinsman without them welcoming it? ) An Urhobo man won a seat in Lagos, yet all I'm hearing is "Igbos are growing their clout in Lagos", because apparently his tribal identity is now Igbo (btw I'm from his constituency, he was winning Yoruba votes and not Igbo).

My mum queued up for hours to vote GEJ. If it had been an Igbo candidate, she would have realised her back would hurt from all that standing, there would probably be violence at the poll and used quite a lot of excuses to stay at home. Same thing with my relatives and a lot of SS voters.

You constantly lament about being victims of tribalism yet are tribalistic. GEJ got his largest number of votes from SS states and everyone there feels Igbos let him down by not turning out massively to support him. Because they (and i) kept hearing from so many Igbos "GEJ is our man" and no other reason backed it up save misplaced tribal sentiment. No Igbo state could give him up to 800, 000 votes yet here you all are, still arguing and beating your chests.

You've proved you cannot be relied on by any political party attempting to court you (even the SW you're insulting gave him more votes and if I'm a politician now, I will certainly brush up on my Hausa because those guys are loyal )

I'm not starting a war, just being truthful.

christopher123:
BRO THEY ARE STILL COUNTING THE VOTES PLEASE RELAX. GEJ WILL BE ANNOUNCED WINNER OR THE ELECTION DECLARED INCLONCLUSIVE


THE WINNER IS NOT BASED ON HOW MANY MILLION VOTES THAT YOU WIN BUT HOW MANY STATES THAT YOU WIN SO KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED AND DONT YET DO THE NAMING CEREMONY OF YOUR BABY WHEN YOUR WIFE IS JUST 6 MONTH PREGNANT...AN IGBO ADAGE



IGBO ARE JUST INTRESTED ON HOW THIS WILL GO, WE ARE SERIOUS STAKEHOLDERS IN NIGERIAN AND AFRICAN ECONOMY. WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE ALL THING WORKETH FOR OUR GOOD AND THAT OF SOUTH SOUTH ...I THINK TRIBALISM SHOULD BE SACRIFICED ON THE ALTER OF EQUITY.


TRIBALISM RUINED THIS PLACE CALLED NIGERIA

If GEJ miraculously wins now or the election is declared inconclusive, the tribal genocide that will happen will make the run-up to the Biafran war seem tame. Because it's clear he's lost. GEJ cannot pull 1 million votes each in Edo, Bayelsa and Delta and get 599, 000 votes in Enugu and less than 1 mil in Abia and Anambra. That's saying those states are bigger than Enugu (which is ridiculous, I know that for a fact).

Igbos should have come out and given him almost 1mil votes from each state, then he can pad it and be getting numbers up to 1. 5mil (like Northern states did, Kano did that and it seems plausible because they have the 3rd largest city in Nigeria) and he would be in a better position. Even him miraculously winning Lagos will be met with disbelief and violence.

If you know you want to reduce the Igbo population, by all means keep encouraging this line of though. I'd advise you however to start grooming a candidiate to be ready in the next 8-10 years.

OBJ should have picked Donald Duke and PDP would have had more years on the seat. Oh well...

nduchucks:
I'm sorry sir, but I am simply posting raw news. This does not give you the right to call me a bigot when you don't even know anything about me. You sir are the bigot who got bent out of shape simply because you saw the word "Igbo" in the article. Why do you feel threatened by that?

Sir, the political clout of Igbos in Lagos is growing, whether you like it or not. That is the reality, deal with it.

Oghene Egboh is from Urhobo and I voted in Festac. Most Festac (Igbos) people didn't know him and his supporters were Yoruba (and they campaigned for him till that day). His opponent didn't get that kind of support from anyone.

I wouldn't call this Igbo clout just yet. Igbo clout just failed GEJ. Compare the massive turnout Buhari got in his base to the meagre turnout GET got in what he thought was his power base. GEJ's power lies in Delta (where for example Asaba, Uwvie and Ika boys were willing to rig for him for free ; D )

Even the most ardent GEJ supporters in my home are stepping down. I'm baffled as to how PDP will rig enough numbers from states like Edo and Delta (places I know wella) to give him up to 2 million votes. Even Bayelsa and he shared enough money there. Those states are not populated to that level. APC could get away with Kano because it has the 3rfd biggest city in Nigeria.

GEJ should do the honorable and concede defeat, then let us see if Buhari messes up. Then he can be vindicated. But to overwhelm the people's will is to cause a war.

The only thing you owe your in-laws is Politeness and Respect, not Love and Friendship. If Love comes after, all well and good but it's not a requirement.

In your case your mum will most likely end up living with you in her old age, so it's best to make it clear to her now that the eventuality is coming. In fact, use that sentence to start the conversation with your woman to find out if anything has occured.

It may be a simple case of her trying to set boundaries. Your situation is the sort that they use to tell girls scary stories that end with "and that's how his mum frustrated/broke their marriage up". So she may be being overly-cautious so your mum doesn't feel comfy with her to the point of familiarity. As long as their relationship isn't acrimonious and your girl can live with Mama one day if not in love then in mutual respect and harmony, don't try and cause wahala making things different.

An only child (and a son as that) of a Naija woman, heck he'd be lucky if we progressed past 2 dates.

This is not the only issue with the card-reader. Ours at our PU in Lagos isn't reading half of the voter's humbprints so they have to be accredited manually. No-one knows why.

See, no-one is blaming men. But we need to be real, men and women need to be taught how to handle marriage. Put your ego aside, in fact leave it at your office before you go home to your wives, husbands. Assume her thoughts are in your best interests.

My baby will spend time with my MIL more than my mum because my mum has 7 grandkids, my MIL's only grandchild is too far away, let her have her something to be playing with. But even then I will still discuss it with my hubby first and ask him to enquire from his mum before I saddle her with pikin. At the end of the day, that child will hold me and his father responsible for his well-being, not his grandma. So father and I will make all final decisions, grandparents can suggest and feel free to spoil them with gifts nothing more

Just take it easy.

crackhaus:
Absolute nonsense...

Don't women need marital training on how to handle their annoying MILs as well?

Would you also support a man buying/building a house with his money and not include his wife's name or put her as the next of kin on the documents, because she did not contribute a dime
to it?

When you do finally marriage counselling (or speak to your married friends) they will tell you it is probably the Catholic church that stressed the role of the man in the marriage is not to be antagonizing his wife. I can confirm that most of the Pentecostal churches hold more programmes for women (after all you've just said they should one for handling their MIL) Women are getting enough rules and regulations, it's time we address the other half of the equation.

Please if I buy my car myself all I need do is ask Mr Onegai (he will probably say "Mrs" because his dad is a lawyer and I have lawyers in my house. We understand the long-term implications of having joint acquisitions and single acquisitions). If he and I contribute to a house, our name on it. If he and I don't, separate names.

And ejoor NL masochist association, please free me. I'm not a nice person

Husbands never see the danger until they're subjected to it.

Your MIL is taking things a bit too far. And this is touchy. So either start politely saying "yes mama Titi is a pretty name" and keep calling her Bisi or whatever you and your hubby named her (that's politely ignoring your mum) and carry your child to your mum. If your hubby notices his child isn't in the house and queries you, say "oh my mum wanted her little girl with her and even gave her a name, Solape". Even better, let your mum be coming to your home to enact this same controlling behaviour on your child for your hubby to see. When he complains, quietly tell him perhaps it is best both mothers are given boundaries for your child.

No grandparent owns your child. My mum and MIL hav access to my child because I and my husband are sharing that priviledge with them, not because they have a right.

My mum sounds like your MIL. And know this, for some silly reason a lot of men view their wives as combatants, not as helpmeets. So when their wives say something they feel is contrary to what they think (or may not have noticed), they act like it is a fight and put up their shoulders, rather than take it as a suggestion and valid thought from the other half of their brains. That's probably why he walked out.

That's why they need marital training for men on church but....

As for you, I'm guessing you're a new mum. relax these over protective feelings will reduce (that's the reason you're in tears when you bathe your child).

As for the car, put it in your name if it was all your effort. Did he bring out money for it? If he did, put it in both of your names. You and your hubby own everything together. Everything, abeg let us stop this nonsense whereby men keep saying they are paying for everything whilst the woman adds nothing to the house, every meal she used her money to make gives her partial ownership.

But let him know in a gentle voice you're getting a car (he should already know this since you are about to pay).

well let the OP decide what she wants to do. The family she's marrying into is traditional as ish so either she gets used to it and leave jejely. If she decides to stay, let her have it at the back of the mind that she will have explaining to do if she doesn't get pregnant in 6 month's time after wedding (according to her MIL) and all sorts of orisirisi.

No be today person dey hear all sorts like "children inherit their intelligence from their mothers" "too much wearing of jeans causes infertility", "if your breasts hits the dashboard of your car whilst driving, it can burst", "women demanding orgasms is what is causing problems in marriage nowadays, sex is not for women to be enjoying but to have babies"



Oya everyone, assignment time! Go and ask your mum's and grandmums if this inspection was normal during their era and come back and give us results, stating your tribe. Make women dey know what they may be getting into beforehand

Instead of saying "CNN sha", be ashamed that no-one cares what is happening to innocent victims of the fighting up north and that people are profiting off their sorrows in the name of religious help.

Not one politician cares and neither do their followers. Not one Nigerian news agency had noticed this. No party has called attention to those suffering in the camps.

CNN team finds a man at "unofficial" displaced camp willing to provide children to be "fostered"
He says he can't take money for them, but eventually demands $500 for two girls.

Editor's Note: Nearly a million Nigerians have been
displaced to date by Boko Haram. According to UNICEF, over half of them are children. CNN's Nima Elbagir and her team, producer Lillian Leposo and cameraman Fabien Muhire, investigated claims that many of the children are sold and trafficked, then filed this exclusive report.

(CNN)— "It really depends what you want. Boy? Girl?
Young? Old?"
The man on the phone was offering us young children with the casualness of a market trader. After a week of back and forth phone calls, his initial caginess had given way to greed. He'd heard my foreign accent and clearly decided I would pay more than the domestic rate.

"We can get," he said.

We'd been put in touch with the man through a
contact on the ground. We were told he was one of
the men running this "unofficial" displaced camp -- one of the many that has mushroomed in the town of Yola as the influx of people fleeing Boko Haram has grown beyond the capacity of the official camps.
It had all been heartbreakingly simple. We'd asked who had children available to "foster" -- a catch-all code word designed to conceal the true intent of those offering up the orphaned children. The man
on the phone was the end result of those inquiries.

When our colleague want to see them, he was shown a group of children and asked which one he wanted to take. One, two maybe? He escaped by saying he needed to check with his "madam" -- me.

I called. The man picked up and began referring to me as "sister." I told him we wanted to know what we'd need to do, if we decided we did want to "foster" the children.

He told me, "Sister, Jesus will reward me," so the
"fostering" was free, he said. No need for any pesky
paperwork -- just a reassurance from me that the
children, if I chose to take them, would "live in my
heart." If I could also then find it "in my heart" to
donate to those still in the camp, then that would be
"God's work."

In spite of the harsh measures the Nigerian
government has put in place to punish human
traffickers, by the government's own admission, 8
million children are currently engaged in forced labor. The Global Slavery Index says Nigeria has the highest number of people in modern slavery of any sub-Saharan country. Paradoxically, the group also rates Nigeria's anti-trafficking agency, Naptip, as one of the strongest government responses on the continent --but it's clearly overwhelmed by the realities of working in what is now a zone of military operations, Nigeria's north. As the insecurity in the region has spiraled, the worry is that more and more children are falling through the cracks. And as Boko Haram increases its reliance on child suicide bombers, concerns are growing that orphaned children could end up in the hands of the terror group.


At the camp where we finally met the man face to
face, there was no attempt at subterfuge. We spoke in normal tones in full view of the children playing. I
could have had one of them, I was told, but because
I'd specified a younger child, they'd only identified one so far -- a 3-year-old. Did I want to consider an older girl? A 12-year-old maybe? She could look after the 3- year-old, and cook and clean. Either way, two girls would be ready tomorrow, he said. I could see them then.

Our last phone conversation revolved around what an appropriate "donation" would be in exchange for the children. He couldn't, he said, bargain for it. He then proceeded to do just that, laughing down the phone at my first tentative guess of $200. Laughing again at $300.
We finally found a figure he didn't find funny --$500. I put the phone down and we traveled back to the
capital that day to show NAPTIP what we discovered that day.

culled from www.cnn. com

Ehimax:
Thanks for your contribution, "implantation spotting" can you shed more light on this phrase? thank you

Google. Or take the time to speak to a doctor. : don't let people spoonfeed you everything.

Tell your friend to ask her "pele that your last period shey it was heavier than usual? ". If she falls for it and replies Yes, then he knows she's lying.

BCF1 and aderonila18, have you contacted Nordica? They're in VI. I'm sure they have a surrogacy plan (but it won't be cheap). Also ask your lawyer to check state and federal laws (Lagos would have more progressive laws than some other states). Because some states may have no laws covering surrogacy.

If he's old enough to have unprotected s*x, he's old enough to use Google and check online to find out how long sperm lasts in the body.

I mean, let me get this clear: he went in unprotected (honey, even pulling out can result in a pregnancy, there's sperm in pre-ejaculate) and this babe sees her period in February after sleeping with him but then in March she's pregnant (without contact from him) and she's telling he's responsible.

And this dude went to school??

As long as her last period wasn't implantation spotting (which unless you have the LIGHTEST of periods, it looks different from the regular menses), then he should congratulate her and tell her to inform the biological father.

And he should stop being so ignorant and foolish.

The groom took off his jacket and tie, rolled up shirt sleeves and started serving the expensive drinks he brought for his VIP (even though he had servers and ushers and whatnot). The bride continued dancing, changed her outfit and kept taking glamour shots with her friends, ignoring him. When I asked, I was told the groom is a control freak who thinks he can do everything himself and wouldn't listen to even his bestman beg him to go and sit down.

If she reports to another lecturer, she may find wahala brewing and at the end of the day, the two lecturers will bury the hatchet in her head and she will lose out the most when they settle.

Let her agree to meet him and that day, show up with Mummy and another big Aunty (who should look comfortable enough to have contacts who can deal with him). They will be utterly polite and friendly and the issue will be resolved amicably (Naija man dey fear woman wahala eh ). We're in Nigeria, handle it Naija-style.

If you were my bro, I'd recommend doing that ACCA exam now. I'd probably recommend going for a 24 year old who has finished school (but that's my opinion). I'd tell you "it's not how long you date, it's how well" because I'm witness to a divorce of a couple whom started dating in the wife's yr 2 and married 6 years later. And I have seen 6 months after they met each other and married couple stilm be playing BF and GF 11 years later. I know some couples with huge age gaps, some are unhappy but I think the happy ones have one thing in common: supportive and discreet in-laws so there is a form of protection.

Her dad is not financially ready, so who supports you guys when the going gets tough? You and she have to be mentally strong.
I'm not trying to dissuade you, just asking you to see the big picture.

She's in uni so don't start paying for stuff and promising things, you will change and she wi change too. If she truly wants you, she will do her best to maintain the relationship.

However, I'm not so crazy about the almost 8 year difference. A lot of men say women age faster, I believe it's how you treat them (if you turn them into mummies and don't encourage them to stay young at heart, they will look older) and the fact that in Nigerian society, a mature woman is seen as one who doesn't smile, carries herself with a lot of gravity and not be so free. I had a ton of 24-27yr old guys chasing me when I was 32. The only way some people started guessing my age was that they started seeing some grey hairs

20s is a time of change for people. Me of 23 is not me of 33 mentally. So she may be your Angel now, but what happens if she grows in a way you don't like.

And I've seen girls who married in uni, girls who married immediately after and I think it's best if you time it during NYSC or after. A very popular director told me he can't marry a girl who hasn't lived by herself or paid her own bills. He's right, I certainly wasn't money-savvy as a 22 yr old. And money is one of the big issues in Marriage. A lot of men aren't very good at being financially prudent, so imagine marrying a girl who has never in her life had to worry about rent or planning meals for a family of 3 on a budget whilst paying NEPA, saving up for emergencies and saving up for retirement and school children.