₦airaland Forum

tbaba1234: Sino has talked about Polygyny, there is really nothing to add.. It scares me to bits to go into polygyny because the requirement of justice is very difficult and Allah makes it clear, if you can't maintain justice then only one

Very simple. So please tell me that man that can abrogate between 2, three people without bias?

Anyone please? Anyone?


This is the simple fact scholars need to hammer on not the permissibility. Before someone would agree to genuinely go into it knowing the conditions then i guess it must have been because of a great social issue or fitna that only marriage can resolve and I don't see how the wife with this understanding would object to such arrangement if he is doing it in the cause of Allah.

So i guess that should quash the feeling of inequality on that topic been felt by most sisters here.

^ what guarantees a monogamy wont end in divorce either.

you didnt answer me, what about a monogamist who meets another woman and decides to divorce his wife to marry her, do we compel? and say he must stay in the marriage? or it still ends in divorce?

we keep portraying women as victims while i agree in most cases thats the situation. it takes 3,4 or 5 to tangle in this, it takes a woman to agree to marry a man who already has a wife, the men are marrying women not men, and the women are accepting. if polygyny is completely bad why are the women agreeing?

like i said there are different reasons why men and women chose polygyny and taste is just one.

Not saying polygyny is bad. I would never ascribe to that. I believe people are free to choose whatever they want and in some circumstances it is a good thing.

What i just don't like and believe is the actions and wrongful justification of MOST of those who indulge and hide behind it give.



@tbaba
True. The community is partly to blame for the stigma but we all know we don't truly have a muslim community. Everyone lives in their yards now and most people are very mobile. So how do we solve such issues given the terrain?

Edited!!

Adaeze003: Gurl... You knw its hard to judge one of our own. Onegig oya o!

Ada, mitchyy and joy.. You guys would have to pardon me o. I believe the picture would be fine and classy although my browser image is turned off.

Not all women hate polygyny, some women prefer it, some are indifferent, yes we can say women are but we both can agree women who are interested in matriarchy are few they are the exception not the norm, its a patriarchy world we live in.
And its possible to compel your husband to stick to you, thats why its allowed for a woman to have a prenup insisting the man must not marry another wife, or marry someone who is strictly monogamous and leave polygyny for women and men who are interested in it.

How did you come about a man who's strictly monogamous? No one knows tomorrow. What happens if he decides to marry a second wife later even after signing the pre nup? Won't it eventually lead to divorce?

People have free will to do whatever they like. You can't sign an agreement and expect a man to remain with you forever as long as divorce is halal to him. Which brings us back to square one. She ends up being divorced.

@bolded ideally in islam divorcees should not be stigmatized thats brought about by the society. in the north stigmatization of divorcees is lesser than in the south, its a cultural/societal thing.
this example you gave isnt peculiar to polygyny. A monogamist meets another woman and decides to leave his wife to marry the new woman, is the 1st wife's life ruined? can we compel him to stay with her?
so a divorcees life isnt ruined. i know women who are divorcees and their lives are not ruined.

Divorce is not something that is that easy even in the most ideal situations. It leaves most times an irredeemable scar on both partners. You have the extra baggages that comes with it.

When i said ruined, i didn't mean they can't function again or lead happy lives but seriously it's more like starting your live afresh but this time with big constraints from the past especially when kids are involved. Also how are we sure she would get married to another man?

From experience, most women (around 80 per cent) who are divorced end up being bitter about men and never remarry which is something Islam frowns at. So how do we sort out this issue?


It is simple. It's the male that need some straightening to do. It all boils down to where the rule came from. A careful and critical look at what that verse on polygamy says would show clearly that the general interpretation by most people is very very wrong. There's also a HUGE CLAUSE on it which says "if you can be just". No sane man would go into polygamy because of his lustful desires if he has the deeper understanding of what that clause means.

But go and listen to many alfas. They would tell you, if you marry an orobo and you feel like you want a lepa later you can always just decide to do it which is clearly in antagonism with what the verse means. I personally see no justification for a man to say he wants to marry another wife based on "taste".

Edited.

deols: Onegig, I am not using the
action of a few. I am telling u
of how the practical ways of
these things don't favour the
women involved.

Ok i understand but i came to that conclusion seeing you recurring comments and the use of some certain personalities as your focal point. The major practical reality may be different from what the manual maybe preaching. That's why we need to go back to the basis and look at what the Holy book says. Yerima and his co travelers are not representative of what islam says. Infact in an ideal islamic environment he should be behind bars by now for defiling a minor. There's no justification for what they say. A 14 year old oyinbo girl would have grown and you would think she's an adult already that does not mean i can go to my village and pick a 14 year old and say she's an adult also. Body anatomy, food composition, environment, race and many things influence how mature a woman is.

There can never be any justification for their behaviors.

if your husband is no "prophet" why stay, and you do not want it why stay?. we women have a choice.

The same thing she's complaining about. It's more easier for the men. Like the laws give them the leeway to misbehave. Why would it be a woman's choice to divorce? Why not compel the man to stick to one wife alone. Why give him options when she has none and has to endure such. She can choose to stay or leave i.e divorce.

Is divorce for the lady an equal and justifiable comparison with what the man gets?

He gets a new bride and continues life as if nothing happened while we all know how hard it is for a divorcee(the woman) to remarry and continue her life without hitch coupled with the social stigmatisation associated with such.

Thus ruining her life if she leaves and still ruining her life and making her pass through hell if she chooses to stay.

Islam preaches a just system but do you think this is just?


This i think is the issue she has and truth is i share most of this. The concept of justice as regards both genders.

Wa alaykum. Deols- Seems like you are judging a religion based on the actions of SOME adherents of the religion. This is not to discard your fears and thoughts as worthless and unworthy of debate though.


I think the previous comments have at least cleared the air and raised counter responses to your positions. I wouldn't want to go back and bring new evidences of thoughts. I would just try and buttress some points.

First... As regards the age of marriage issues. You are a scientist and you would well attest to the fact that body anatomy, environmental factors and many things have changed in comparison to what was obtainable 200 years ago not to talk of more than 1400years back.

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/wellness/story/2011/04/girls-hit-puberty-earlier-than-ever-and-doctors-arent-sure-why/45989054/1

That link would give you a better perspective. Just scan through.

Here's another excerpt from another link which shows that maturity rates have always been changing. So we can actually agree a girl at 9 as at then may have attained puberty and would have been able to carry her offsprings to term without any complications then based on the peculiar characteristics of that era but that does not necessitate that we follow suite and start marrying 9 year olds. That's why religion without science or common sense is useless and disastrous.

We all know a girl of say 15 would definitely have a grave risks of developing problems during childbirth now let alone someone who's 9. That's where the common sense comes in. In islam, there's no where it was stated that you could marry a girl at a specific age. It clearly states when she's mature. That word "mature" in this context carries a lot of meaning. Is she able to have sex and deliver a baby without any complications due to her age? Is she fit to nurture the kid? Etc...


Here's the excerpt.

Emeritus Professor Norbert Kluge of the Universität Koblenz-Landauwrote in the Internet publication "Beiträge zur Sexualwissenschaft und Sexualpädagogik
" that girls in 1992 had their first period on average at 12.2 years old and in 2010 will have it around 10 or 11 years of age.

Researchers noted the trend 140 years ago. In 1860 the average menarche happened at 16.6 years, in 1920 at 14.6, in1950 at 13.1 and 1980, 12.5 years.

Kluge (by the way, klug means smart in German) attributed the early maturation mostly to obesity
caused by fast food. Lack of fat can also stop menstruation, which is what happens with anorexia.

I will be back with more comments.

Why couldn't they just walk out on him?

I come to someone's house and all he can do is insult me with his words. Then i would gently walk out and pick the sand. Never again. It's that simple.

Indeed.. The death in Gaza is a "tragedy" to Obama... But please help me ask him what has he done to prevent such events apart from the usual rhetorics ? No be him fault. Na those good for nothing leaders wey no fit collect mic tell him the truth to his face. Mtschewww.

Chai...Change of plans. Can you strike my name out of the list please. Won't be able to attend again. Something unavoidable just cropped up which would prevent me from coming.. Deeply sorry for the short notice.

Wish you guys a blessed iftar and may Allah accept and reward you in bounds for all your sacrifices during Ramadan and after it. Amin.

Same Russian experts who have no shame and have been lying barefaced on international tv about MH17 saying it was the Ukrainian government that shot the plane when all evidence and even pictures posted by the rebels says contrary?

Anyone that believes or even reads more than the topic alone to know this article is very useless needs a reset.


Mtscheeew.... I guess it's high time they liquidated tribune if such news can come from their stands.

Hun---hun....(Coughs)!!!! Just passing by.

Onegai: I mean, once I started reading GRRM's "A Song of Fire and Ice" series, I knew I was reading about a modified version of The War of the Roses (from English History).

I doubt that. His is a mixture of many things. Do you know the act of making a golden crown by pouring hot molten Gold on someone's head was actually the ritual and style of killing by a fierce King and warrior of present day Mongolia named Kahn? Many themes used and most aspects in the book take a leaf from popular prehistoric sources from around the world.

blackprowler: Thanks for the response. However, I don't think that's the whole picture. We do interact and assess. You see JFK and Jacqueline (vs Marilyn Monroe et al)? What most women can't separate in men's perception is the ability to separate the physical from the cerebral. Almost none of the deep men we're talking about would take a pretty bimbo to the altar; there would be other factors that would be considered. We would like to "do our own" but for serious matters, we all search for the ones with cerebral and emotional compatibility. The human being is not the body - he is the mind. Let me just add that there are many many females that are model-grade beautiful and top students too. However they're few in Nigeria and they always want the highest level prince to come and "deserve them." I love abroad for reasons I can't fully describe here: high quality girls who do not think of themselves as queen of England abound

Another wrong notion. Seek and you shall find.

You must have been looking in the wrong places. I was once like you. Now i know better.

Onegai: We exist, lol. I'm not one of the brazilian-over-made-up chicks around, so some guys want the package of Nadia Buari and the brain of Angela Merkel. Which is really, really hard to find. So a reader walks into a room and goes for the most attractive, empty package. Hence, I hear guys moan often "why didn't I meet you since?"

Stealing my id and substituting the last two characters with ai(artificial intelligence) abi?

Yeah true! Also most avid readers are very reserved, and it's hard to see them socializing too much. They are to comfy starring and stucked at that book or phone to go out. If only they go out a little bit more. I guess that's one area social media is bridging.

Just look down. Here's a quote from one of them. A look at his profile would give you the idea he's been holing up in that leaky cauldron. I can bet he last saw the Sun two full moons ago.

enioluwaselore: It has been a long long time since I typed on or liked any post on nairaland, I feel like I've finally found my family! This says so much about me. permit me to say there is so much hidden wisdom on the pages of this thread that can't be grasped in one read. #thread on repeat.

PhumiTJ: as a reader/writer your comment intrigues me

hmmm..hmmm.

Sorry. Just Clearing my throat!

@hispinkolo
The least i would expect from a man is to protect his woman EVERYWHERE. I don't know how he goes on to say he is the head when he can't protect his wife from bullying from his own family members.


When she does wrong, he should correct her and when someone from his family does wrong to her he should learn to caution that person in a MATURED way and without bias.


I can't imagine someone from my family(that person wan enter my eternal blacklist) disrespecting her neither would i expect her to go on disrespecting someone also. The rules are always crystal clear.


Maybe if guys learn that an insult on her is an insult on your person. Just maybe they would be alive to their responsibility. Also an insult on any of your family members from anyone is an insult on you too. When you see things this way, it won't be hard making the right judgement.




....If i want to dissect your post well. I would say you share a big part of the blames you encountered here. But are we here to lay blames? No. We are here to learn but Please just note the following;

I suppose you guys don't live together. I mean all those extended family members.

If so... I am finding it hard how a birthday of your child which should be a PRIVATE affair turns out to be an avenue where you are expecting "big gifts" from people who have little or nothing to do with the event. Also when you give things out(gifts), do you do them to get a return favour? Why am i stressing this point? Remember when i said ladies should learn to be independent and avoid unnecessary activities and familiarity earlier? You sure don't need their gifts nor is their presence gonna add any spice to the program so why stress them?

Truth is the ladies/wives are the ones most of the time who go out of their ways to entice trouble. They then return home to "shout" blue murder. Just learn to limit unnecessary activities.


Also i don't understand the thinking of the average Nigerian lady who's about getting married. You don't need to compromise on your ideals while trying to fit in. When visiting your inlaws, act your normal self. You are the guest for goodness sake. No need to go overboard with your familiarity. I am ashamed to say that most lack self respect and when you lack that i don't see how you expect someone else to respect you. They are the ones to warm up to you and make you feel accepted not the other way round but i guess since MANY are desperate or maybe its due to their naivety they would do anything just to be accepted and fit in even if it means being rolled and butchered in the mud.


Not saying ladies should turn out to be SAUCY and PROUD. You can be free with everyone. It however doesn't mean you are open to being rolled over and disrespected.

Glad to know you have learnt all those little things now.

Though i strongly believe family ties should be strenghtened always but please not at the cost of losing your sanity.

jazz04: even basic integrated intel graphics PCs can play latest games without a single lag with tweaking.... Didn't you see my mention of "ultra" above? If you don't understand, just quit this thread, its not for you.

I do. what's so special about overclocking?

To even overclock and have a decent speed and performance you need atleast good graphics card with sizeable memory in the first place. So what exactly are you on to about this machine being obsolete? Care to answer that?

Godspearl: I'm thinking of going dt very day for few minutes I jst pray hubby agrees else I will jst stay and enjoy hubby's day and leave dem to say wateva dey like

I am not yet married but one solid thing i have learnt from my Mum by watching her dealings when it comes to these extended family issues is to first limit your familiarity. There's no need for all these unnecessary "talks" and useless associations that i see many married women going into.


Do things because you are genuinely happy and willing to do them not because someone somewhere wants to blackmail or coerce you into doing it. Be independent, have an identity of your own and be firm in your decisions.


When people know your unwavering stand on issues they would learn to respect you for it with time. Be diplomatic at the start but be firm and consistent. I can only assure you that with time and as you grow into the marriage they would learn to respect your decisions to be "on your own".

And remember to be able to hold your own in these situations. You must have sharpened that "i don't care" attitude and have developed extra thick skin to all the talks that would emanate from your actions.

@other ladies.

You also need to court the support of your husband and need to see his family as yours also. You just need to learn how to balance between being families and your own personal freedoms and choices demands.

jazz04: . Ummm who are you?? Do you even know the minimum specs of watchdogs The ultimate bliss in PC gaming is being able to play with ULTRA graphics settings....

You should be the one to give up differing facts. That machine he built up there would play the latest games without a single lag. So what are you trying to say exactly? Talk lets understand you.

maclatunji: ^I found the response.

Is there space for critics of the writings? May be interested.

joywendy: Now I know! Thanks. Ramadan kareem!

Welcome sis.

shymexx: Nothing is going to happen, apart from hot air and sabre rattling.

You sure have little or no understanding of the magnity of this single case. No one can say for now how things would proceed but it sure not going to look nice for the rebels in the coming days. Remember the Dutch are a founding member of NATO and i am sure their nationalities affected by this would be above 50 . I don't see them rolling over and looking on. Shit just got real. This is what happens when illiterate and ragtag terrorists lay their hands on advanced weaponry.

RIP to the dead. May their souls rest in peace.

Xtarxhyne: Alakoba

How please? Just state you aren't that capable for it now and we might pray that by next year you would even hold three rounds.

Xtarxhyne: Abeokuta nko

You might want to host one instead. Just notify interest and people who live there may signify interest in joining.

uzoexcel: Thank you and barka de sallah

Welcome. Although that greeting would be more appropriate greeting in the next 9 or ten days when we wrap things up. We are on the 20th as of now.

Dygeasy: I tried to bend right, left and low to view the issue from different perspectives and I still see NO CASE here.

Her change in dressing and appearance should matter not. What if it were something worse? Say incapacitation or amputation of her body parts? What would he do then?

It's hard, yeah but you signed up for all of that the moment you decided to get married.

Marriage is NOT selfish! GERRIT!!!

And @bolded, he hasn't overcome any temptation. He's still being tempted.

Sorry but it's very obvious you have never been married or you never placed yourself in his shoes before advicing.

Yes, saying he would cheat might have been immature of him to say but you can't just discard the main issue here.


In an ideal relationship, both partners are constantly working to achieve a goal. They work in sync.

You can't just discard his disatisfaction because this seems like a religious topic. I can't even recall anywhere in the Holy books where it was mentioned people must look UGLY and unkempt before they serve God?

The wife is the one making a drastic change here and she should learn she's in a relationship with someone and not by herself alone. The opinion of the other party also counts.

What about if it were to be something much more worse? Like she joining a smokers club. Shouldn't he be concerned also? He has tried to talk to her. The onion lies on her to convince her husband her new mode of dressing is the best thing for them and not taking unilateral decisions.

Simple things like this are what wreck homes and sow seeds of hate and enmity amongst couples.

bellong: AS: A superman

AW: Unpredictable

Tag: Pickabeau1, greatgod2012, theLORDreigns, Caracta, Onegig, adesuave, etc.....

A S : Highly Intelligent and well rounded(know a little bit about almost everything.)



A W: Too optimistic (don't look at the negative side of things which might result in unbalanced decisions)
sissie, larrysun, maclatunji, itsmee, joywendy.

uzoexcel: nice one jarus
i think it would be good if u can enlighten the non-muslims like me on the front page on Ramadan' and what it means....
i for example think its similar to our xmas but i know i m wrong...also,during ramadan, how do we greet our muslim brothers/sisters?is it 'barka de sallah'? cos thats what i usually say at any 'muslim' festival? can u also break it down for us in #layman's' language the essence of Ramadan and the benefits....
Peace!!!!!!

Glad you want to learn. Ramadan is actually a month under the islamic calendar. The ninth month to be specific. It's during this period that adherents fast from dusk to dawn. I.e abstain from eating, drinking and lawful sexual activities. What makes the month unique and significant is the abundance of blessing and reward for any little act of worship or good done during the period. It's also the fourth pillar of islam. Islam has five pillars which any muslim must abide by.


It starts with the spotting of the moon and also ends with the reappearance of the moon after the 29th or 30th day which results in the festival known as id-ul-fitr. I hope this has been enough to clear the questions asked?


As for the benefits. Apart from the spiritual aspects there are many health benefits. As for greetings. Just a greeting of Ramadan kareem and may God accept it as an act of worship is enough to say to a muslim you want to greet during the period and during the festivities your usual Barka de Sallah is suitable. you can read more for benefits here.


http://islam.about.com/od/ramadan/a/ram_benefits.htm

AlBaqir: ^Also kudos to MacLatunji and crew for fighting our way back to the front page. May Allah reward them and magnify that 'little jihad'.

yeah true. Amin !

Glad we are back on frontpage. I guess you just have to appeal to Seun's sensibilities afterall.

I believe we can only say thanks and commend him for letting the voice of reason prevail.

olatunji21: pls wu knw of any cheap hotel in ilorin...and aw much does a night cost

check hotels.ng list of all hotels in ilorin are listed. I guess 1k5 is the cheapest.