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A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.


The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"


A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A cocky Arkansas Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Arkansas to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. She was a grand-motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
Again she replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney
almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench.
In a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she
Knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

There was this pregnant lady who fell into labour. she was rushed to the maternity ward and as it is for ladies in her case, the Doctor and attending Nurses started comforting her with encouraging words, 'Madam push, push, push , '
Suddenly the baby's head started to pop out, and out came the ugliest baby's head all staff on duty had ever seen.
One glance at one another and the next thing that came out of their mouths was
"MADAM , WITHDRAW!!!! WITHDRAW!!!! WITHDRAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Eze hires a maid with beautiful long hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Eze tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Eze asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Eze pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Eze says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed, I had the four guys I play football with in the closet with me."

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

An American Priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Johnny thought of how to talk Jenny into having sex with him. He had a plan,so he promised to pay N1000. They bargained, the spree was to last d period the girl bends down to pick the money. The girl told her boyfriend about this and he advised her to persuade him to pay N2000 instead. And that she should be sharp enough to pick it even before Johnny can remove her pants. She sped off with the idea feeling proud of her boyfriend, 5mins,, 10mins, 45mins. The boyfriend dashed out to see what has happened and saw the girlfriend. He asked "what happened?"
The girl replied "the bastard used coins".

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal. Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big. They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

Thanks Mellow, here are other ones

It was then the first time people were going for blood tests and Chinoz had a friend who had gone for one at a local clinic in Fio. Chinoz came and found him crying hell and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The friend replied, "I came here for a blood test"
Chinoz asked, " So? Are you afraid?"
The friend replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger".
Hearing this Chinoz also started crying & screaming.
His friend was astonished and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
Chinoz then replied, "I have come for my urine test."

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever!!!"

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are
yours??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Let's find yours!!

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend also my son,
that's confidential!

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints,

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Not familiar with the lake, a fisherman's wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?""You're in a Restricted Fishing Area"."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," she says."But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment"Have a nice day ma'am" & he leaves,

Some of these jokes i believe might have been posted here before now, but since i can't go through all the threads forgive me if they are repetitions. enjoy,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.


In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.
"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children
of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if
they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the
forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all
three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire,
and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially,
"There, little lady, that's done!"
"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

cool ,

word

spikelord:
Still don't get it.

I think your glasses would be good for usage at this point. lol

Was it from the Punch Newspaper?

Some kid that is. Very Observant

the guy is a fr ** king goner

that is a cool priest , he should be castrated so that he can fulfill his calling

Who said nothing good comes out of the bottle?

very very recycled

big timeeeeeeeee

I am sure they became that way due to frequent use , so it doesn't have to hurt. They definitely came of age

The boss has definitely come of age

Oritshee!!!!!!!!!!

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm _{quietly leaves through the back door}

Seen this before on the web but couldn't help laughing again. Now that is one funny joke

he must have fled from 0 - 200 mph

Nice one

Michael Jackson, i would have enough toys to open a toy store.

The big brother show is just an indication of what TV programming has degenerated to over the years. Watch TV carefully and you would see that there is virtually no minute that Nudity, Sex and profanity is not been brandished on our TV stations, be it In Movies, reality TV Shows (can't forget that dumb African Angels show) music videos etal. If it happens on Local TV, what do we expect from cable stations. I am happy the show has been banned from Nija airwaves. I have not even seen the show before but i heard it is very crazy.
The only thing i see on TV these days is soccer, cause i dont want to see what i dont want to see.

what really works for us is when we talk about those courtship days and the funny things that happened then. We had a relatively long one, so relieving those memories always brings back the good times and give us room to seek improvements in all angles.

Warfy Boy, If you looked really well you would have seen a Bandage wrapped around his left thigh. I am not disputing your view but i want to believe that he was shot. and i have witnessed shooting before, a friend of mine who was shot in 99 when Cultists struck in my school could talk very well and share some jokes few days later. Also, Eviano Ekelemu of Blessed memory (killed on July 10 at OAU ife by cultists) was shot on the thigh too, from around 4:30 am till about 6am he was still shouting for help before he gave up. so you are basically mixing up the whole thing. The bullet wound might have been just a graze.
But o boy, no pray to be shot at o, when you hear the sound of the shot it means you are going to survive it cause you are still alive ,

I saw his brief interview yesterday on Silverbird news at 10pm. He was on the sick bed and trust the guy, he just dey flow with him pidgin dey go. I don't think it is wrong to be yourself in that he goes around with minimum security and so n. This is a guy who just loves to be with his 'people' and 'keep it real' like he always likes to say. i just feel now there is need for him to always watch his back at all times, Like it was said in that James Bond movie,
"first time is happenstance, second time is coincidence the third time it requires an enemy action"
See why the guy go shoot video wearing a Ghana logo?