₦airaland Forum

A good advice has been given by those who said Kayode should ensure a measurable KPI is set for him by the organisation.

Managing an individual among a team can never be a KPI. What's important is the overall team performance and results, not the performance of an individual.

It is absurd that managing Peter is being made a KPI for him.

If this is not done Kayode should consider leaving the organisation.

I see this complaints as an indictment on the old generation who have ignored the enlightenment of the 20th century to broaden their minds. They still live in the 70s and 80s, not knowing that life has moved into another dimension. They cannot see beyond the their noses.

How can you help a father who, though educated, cannot send a simple SMS from his phone? Such men are already expired though they're still breathing.

Nevertheless, there are tech savvy and enlightened parents who can give useful advice to their children. If you have a parent like this, please thank your God

Don't be surprised if your mum gets angry at you for asking about your dad. She would be right to be angry and even take you to be an ungrateful daughter after all the sacrifices she had made to ensure you become who you are today.

People would ask that why has your dad not looked for you. But this is preposterous because he could also have been looking for you and not know how to reach you.

Just be ready to take the backlash from your mum when you ask her.

I agree you deserve to know your biological father. It's your decision to maintain the relationship or not when you do.

If he feels he has fully recovered from the death of his departed spouse, he can marry. I imagine that he would be under 40 because they had just a son together before the death of his wife. It is not easy for a man to be alone at this period of life. Not necessarily because of intimacy but because he also needs someone to support the upbringing of the son.

However, he must be careful not to go into another marriage in a haste. He should take his time and watch the type of woman to marry. He needs a woman who would accept his son as her own.

Let me add to some other valuable advice which have been given here.

1, No one has a legal authority to send your wife away. Just ensure that you have a k gal marriage. And I think this woman deserved it because she has stayed with you through this harrowing experience you narrated. If you only have traditional wedding with her, no court wedding, she's not safe in this family. In fact, even your children are not safe. If anything happens (God forbid) your family wil throw her and the children to the street.

2. You need to stay away, far away from them. You don't have to employ violence even if they find out where you live and pay an unscheduled visit. Just keep calm and assert your desire.

3. Please I beg you, take good care of your wife and children. Please think of a will. It does not mean you will leave them tomorrow.

It is not proper to present your experience as a format for everyone to adopt. You may have had a harrowing experience with siblings who stayed with you after your marriage but that may not be the experience of others.

It would have been more helpful if the writer gives reasons why couples are not advised to accommodate siblings after marriage than to make a blanket pronouncement not to accommodate anyone.

This is one dimensional thinking whereas life comes in different dimensions.
Life plays different balls with each person.


Don't think all your problems are solved because you're married, and that you can throw others away.

Be helpful when you can. The table can turn at any time.

Yes. You are right. What you wrote here are classical symptoms of depression.

It's good you're speaking out.

You need help.

You can send me a mail

This is called pathological lying and it is curable.

You need to undergo cognitive restructuring through psychotherapy.

You can contact me

You may need to go for therapy to disinfect your kind and break the soul tie you already developed during the relationship.

[quote author=litigator post=118545370]It does not work joor. Mine started preaching the Holy Bible to me as if I was some possessed devil.

I have since given up as I believe it's a way of life. Trauma will find you even if you don't look for it.

We will all be done some day. None will be alive by year 2150.

You must have related with an untrained counsellor.

The truth is that pastors give advice, they don't counsel.

Counseling requires training.

I have had 5 years training to become a certified Counsellor and I still do lots of Continuous Professional Development courses

If you work with a certified Counsellor, you will discover that it is helpful.

I help people recover from all forms of addictions and also do marriage counseling.

Please approach a qualified counselor and you will see the difference.

By the way, anyone who is not registered with Counselling Association of Nigeria is not a qualified counselor.

Every addiction is used as a coping mechanism for trauma.

Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event such as abuse (physical or emotional), sexual violence (rape,) natural disaster, bad accident etc.

Long-term emotional response may include mood swings, relationship challenges, flashbacks, addictions, anger, social anxiety etc.

It is important to seek professional help from as psychologist or psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

The solution is not to assume God would overlook any of these problems but to seek for help

Your wife's attitude suggests that she may have lots of unresolved trauma, it doesn't mean she's not a good woman.

I advise you seek for professional help. It's not every marital problem that should lead to separation or divorce.

If you divorce her, do you know what the next woman would bring into your life?

Please go for couple therapy.

Worse cases than yours have been resolved through therapy.

You can send a mail to me for guidance

You should have removed the knife and the mysterious powder from her bag.

Make sure you hide your own kitchen knife or any other dangerous item that she can easily lay hands on.

Make sure she won't have access to any rope which could be used for strangling

Have something beside you that you can easily pick to save yourself in case she tries to harm you while sleeping.

Do not give room for another Lekki episode.

If this is not possible, I advise you find somewhere else to sleep.

Meanwhile, you need to live a clean life devoid of unprofitable entanglements

What you have is called social anxiety.

You grew up in a bubble which isolated you from interacting with people. That cocoon gave you a sense of security.

Now you feel awkward because you discovered that life is not designed to be loved in a mental enclosure.

You need the services of a professional counsellor to overcome the social anxiety and your fears of meeting people. This is because it is a process which can it be explained on Nairaland.

You may wish to contact me for guidance

You created this crisis by the way you intervened in the conflict between your parents.

No one, not even a younger person, would take a correction while in the heat of anger. You should have waited until your mum cooks down before you quietly and respectively discuss the issue with her.

Right now, you have to swallow your pride and go to apologize. Tell her it was youthful exuberance that made you speak harshly to her. Apologize until she forgives you.

Meanwhile, your mum is bound to interpret what you said as being in the camp of your dad. She'd could have expected you to support her in the argument.

That is not to say you can never hold a different opinion on whatever conflict arise between your parents but do not speak to her while she's angry.

Do you think your husband will agree with your decision?

Can he survive without you?

He is likely to plead and promise to turn a new leaf, and you'd be tempted to give him one last chance.

He is likely to have developed some form of addiction to alcohol or sex and your exit from the marriage could lead him into depression.

While I fully respect whatever decision you choose, I'm of the opinion that if both of you could seek professional help, it may be possible to turn things around.

There's a lot of challenges with bringing up children without their father, it's not a bed of roses.

My counsel is that you seek external help. It may be worth the while.

You need to forgive your dad, not for his own sake but for your own sake.

You should not be carrying a load of bitterness against your dad as this may seep into your marriage.

You have reached the age to eliminate a sense of entitlement, and manage your expectations it only from your dad, but lao from everyone.

If your anger and frustration at your dad would change him, I would have advised you to nurture it, but you know that not possible.

I advise you face your life. Thank God you have completed schooling. Plan to leave the house as soon as you get a job. Then you can have a whole apartment to yourself rather than changing your dresses in the bathroom.

You can also take your mum along if that would be possible.

It is not healthy for your mental health to hold any form of grudges.

By the way, do you have other siblings? How does your dad relate with them?

We celebrate Nigerians who are making positive impact in the USA.

How I wish we could also build a Nigeria where

A Yoruba Christian can win election to Sokoto state House of Assembly

A Kano man, Muslim can win election to Akwa Ibom State House of Assembly

An Igbo Christian can win election into Kebbi stage House of Assembly

I believe the problems of this country would be solved if we could build a Nigeria like this.

The awareness of a spouse's infidelity is traumatic to any man, more so to a pastor whose family is supposed to demonstrate integrity and marital honesty.

I understand how you feel, dejected, embarrassed and disgusted. But I advise you don't make your decision during the heat of emotions.

This is the time to seek for counsel.

This does not necessarily mean you cannot decide to terminate your relationship, but seeking counsel at this time will enable you put the challenge in proper perspective so that you can take a rational decision.

You are a man of God. Your mental health is very important.

On the other hand, is there any gap in your relationship? Do you have sufficient time for the family despite so much involvement in the ministry? What is your wife missing on your marriage that she could find solace in another man?

If you have issues to deal with personally, please deal with it otherwise, marrying another woman could lead to another case of infidelity.

You may wish to contact me.

She did not leave you because you hit her, she left because she wanted to be free to sleep around. Marriage was a prison to her, she wanted to be free. This is not to excuse the fact that hitting her was wrong.

I find several undefined goals in your marriage, especially in the area of family finances. Though married you are each living individual lives which does not enhance marital bond and camaraderie.

It is also unhelpful to disclose your challenges to your family. Better to relate with a marriage counselor who will employ his professional skills to guide you.

I doubt if either of you has the skills to handle this without the support of a marriage counselor so, I advise you contact one.

Your marriage does not have to crash because of this but get help now.

You can contact me if you wish.

You need to work on yourself though I doubt if you know how to go about it.

You need to learn how to build self-confidence, assertiveness and boldness. These are the tools of maturity.

At 26 you should be able to face life squarely and be your own man.

I suspect that your low confidence must be as a result of some childhood experiences.

Help yourself first before you pursue a lady.

Get in touch if you need guidance on this.

Please take the boy for psychological assessment. There must be something going on with him.

It seems to me that those who intervened do not have the requisite skill to handle matters like this.

The first step would be to fully explore the reasons your wife started this affair. It's most likely that some unresolved childhood trauma was the cause. Unless the whole spectrum is explored and resolved, the incidence of infidelity would always be present in your relationship.

Considering the fact that you like to preserve your marriage, I advise you see a professional marriage counselor.

The task of a counsellor is to help you take a wiser decision, not necessarily to preserve your marriage at all costs.

You may choose to contact me for guidance on this.

This is a traumatic experience that could jeopardize your son's life. Please arrange for him to see a professional child counsellor.

I am a professional marriage counselor but I can connect you with a child counsellor.

Please take action immediately so that your son can get the help he needs.

World Mental Health Day is happening on Monday 10 October.

The theme for this year, as set by the World Federation for Mental Health, is “Making Mental Health And Wellbeing For All A Global Priority”.

This is an opportunity for you to give adequate attention to your mental health.

Without physical health, one may be weak and stagnant yet with the capacity to communicate and take rational decisions. But with a loss of mental health comes emotional and cognitive darkness which renders someone a liability to himself, his family and society.

Examples of mental issues you need to be aware of include: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, all forms of addiction, social isolation/withdrawal, stress, intrusive negative thoughts, hearing voices, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, hallucination, extreme mood swings, etc.

With everything that is happening around us right now, it can be easy to feel lost and powerless, but there is an opportunity for you to access first aid in mental health.

The Mental Health Sector of The African Network of Professional Counsellors is providing a three-day free mental health first aid for everyone.

Date: 10 – 13 October 2022

If you are interested, please register by filling out this form and choose a counsellor of your choice. You will be contacted and an initial free session would be arranged with you.

https:///s4iWuTnvqk4aFQcFA

You can also copy the short link and paste on your browser

Just like much of the advice already given, please cut off this relationship. I cannot see you being happy in a marriage with a lazy, unambitious and entitled man.

He would have so much time to play around in your marriage that he could begin a philandering life or develop other unhealthy addiction. The devil would give him something to do since he doesn't have a direction in life.

I am not going to condemn either of you but it's obvious both of you need a good lesson in emotional intelligence.

Yes. Granted that raising kids alone because your husband is not with you is not easy. I can imagine the stress of combining your job with raising the kids. It's a lot of sacrifice and it's right to expect your husband to appreciate it.

Nevertheless, your husband is also working his ass out (pardon my expression) where he is to provide for the family. His complaint that he's under pressure should not be ignored.

Both of you need to appreciate each other and be empathetic. Dropping your phone while he was speaking with you did not show empathy. For him too, he should have understood the pressure you were and showed a better understanding of the context.

Both of you are creating unnecessary tension in your marriage which could lead to something more serious.

Well, it is not too late to adjust. It depends on who will take the first step.

I will advise you do.

Please don't make any reference to your sister, or any other person. You have to overcome this challenge before you can think of a third party. His attitude to your family is a consequence of the deterioration of your relationship. I advise you concentrate on repairing your relationship first.

Call him and talk about this issue. Do not pretend that is resolved. Hear him out and do not try to defend yourself.

If you need some guidance on how to go about this, you can contact me.

Your husband also has a role to play in this resolution but you have to initiate the contact.

It seems both of you would benefit front he services of a professional marriage counselor.

I would be willing to guide and support you.
I am a professional marriage counselor.

What electrical and mechanical problems does the vehicle has?

It was wrong of you to report your mother in law to your wife, especially on such a sensitive issue. Who did you consult first? Did you expect your wife to pick a fight with her mum? You should have known that she would turn the case against you.

Couples should learn to consult non-family members on sensitive issues before making direct confrontation. In fact, a professional counsellor is advised.

You have to live with the consequences of this indiscretion. Pray that your wife forgives you and remains in your marriage.

Yes. You over-reacted by sending the message to her parents. You should have sent out to yourself and confront her with it, and you let her know if you find such a message again it would get to her parents. You did not make sufficient attempt to solve your problem before involving her parents. She would never be happy that you subjected her to such a public ridicule and shame even after you have resolved this issue.

Meanwhile, there could be something missing in your marriage to make your wife ignite affection for another man. It may be difficult for you to find out what it is but a professional marriage counselor would easily do that.

I advise that you see a marriage counselor even if the final resolution would be a divorce. Remember, children are already involved and they will share in the trauma.

I wish you well.

It is obvious each of them have different values.

Firstly, why does the woman want to relocate? It may not be for financial reasons alone, there could be other hidden reasons which have not been disclosed.

Secondly, why is the husband against relocation? He must have his own reasons as well.

It is when each of them disclose their reasons that a workable solution can be advised.