₦airaland Forum

Your suspicion that her background as an orphan could have contributed to who your wife has become is true. Orphans experience so much trauma that they end up learning unhealthy coping mechanisms for their experience.

However, there is help and the earlier you get help. The better even for your children whom you love so much.

Both of you need family counseling with an experienced marriage counselor.

I advise you to invest in your marriage to make it better and peaceful rather than investing in another woman. What gives you the guarantee that the next woman would be better than this? Everyone has lots of psychological baggages and you don't know what the next woman would bring.

Ther is no doubt that your wife has adverse childhood traumas which can only be resolved through counseling. When this is done you'd be amazed at the positive changes you'd see in her.

You can contact me if you need guidance on this

It is funny that people are not responding to the request of the op, rather it's the 450k per month that they're interested in, and they're teaching him how to spend it.

The guy is asking for advice on a skill he can learn.

The skill you can learn depends on your area of interest. What is that thing that interests you?

But first of all, you need to invest in yourself. You need higher capacity to run a business. Learn the rudiments of personal development, emotional intelligence, critical thinking and how to handle failure.

Then ask yourself what is that service lacking in your environment? That's something people would be willing to pay for and that's what I advise you to consider

You are a couple. Having discussion that suggests that either of you could cheat on each other is not healthy for your family. Both of you are deliberately creating gaps in the home through which lizards can slide in.

If both if you value marital fidelity, I advise you stop this type of discussion.

Do things that further enhances your bond as a couple.

Appreciate each other and ensure that your home is strengthened against all forms of infidelity. This includes online flirting. Flirt with your wife if you must.

Do not destroy a home you have chosen to build

No one is talking about the nurse or medical personnel who first have him the drug. I think that's where the problem started.

There are other simpler drugs you can give a traumatic patient for the first time not this one.

The guy has also not helped himself by developing addiction to it, to the extent that he may lose his arm.

I echo what has been said here that you need urgent help.

You need to see a doctor, and also see a physchiatrist.

It is unfortunate that this generation is always looking for scapegoats. Rather than take personal responsibility for their choices and actions, they shift the blame on their ancestors.

You are fully responsible for all your life choices. If a couple decide to make their marriage work, nothing can separate them.

Marriage is not sustained by bloodline.

Coming from the highest pedigree of humanity is not a guarantee that you will have a successful marriage unless you choose to. Please stop this blame game.

I have seen people from broken homes with wonderful marriages and people from "unbroken" homes whose marriages have collapsed.

Life respects choices. It is the type of marriage you choose that you will have.

Your assertion here is replete with conjectures. You saw one family where the husband is avoiding the wife and you assume it's the same with all families. Even if this is prevalent where you stay, it doesn't mean it's the same everywhere.

There are couples who don't avoid each bother after many years of marriage. In fact, the longer their marriage, the stronger the bond between them.

Couples whose marital bond weakens after a few years must have inherent issues which either they are not aware of, or they choose to ignore. They could also be battling with character flaws.

If you expect your marriage to be peaceful and joyfu, that is what you will experience. But if you leave the back door open, the you will find reason to backtrack and use the door.

The type of marriage you chose to build is the type of marriage you will have.

By the way, I have been married for over 32 years and neither myself not my wife has lost interest in each other.

Your mum needs therapy. A professional therapist or Counsellor had the requisite knowledge and skill to handle a case like this.

It's not just a matter of providing things for her, she's dealing with the loss of a significant person in her life.

The experience has created a vacuum in her soul that there's nothing you provide that can fill. She is also dealing with existential trauma. It seems to me that these emotions are being internalised. She needs to resolve the emptiness in her soul and ventilate the repressed emotions.

She does not need to see a pastor unless the pastor is a trained and certified counsellor.

If you need further guidance, you can contact me

Even in the dark ages, sexual activities was done with a sense of dignity and decorum but in some lands, they want to turn man to beasts. They want man to revert to animals. The way you see dogs and goats running after each other for sex is the way they want human beings to become.

At least, science says man is a higher animal. Why does man want to degenerate into a lower animal?

Where is your location?

You can get support from LASG if you're in Lagos state.

He cannot be treating you like this, as if you're responsible for the sex of the baby. This shows crass ignorance on his part.

There's a lot of misunderstanding of the meaning of next of kin in a document.

Your next if kin means the first person to be contacted in case of emergency. It does not mean the person to collect your gratuity if you die.

It's advisable to have a will. That's where you spell out those to inherit your property and share your wealth. Your will does not have to include the person you wrote as your next of kin.

A will is carries more weight as to how your wealth will be shared after your demise.

You need to work with a mentor or life coach to overcome this habit.

You already know how unhealthy it is and how bad you feel that you cannot build consistency to follow through an action.

This is not just procrastination, it includes lack of internal motivation.

B ready to pay for the services of a life coach or mentor who will guide you.

You can contact me if you need further details

This is clearly an "adverse childhood experience". ACE are truamatic incidents in the life of a child during childhood. They damage the psyche of the child and weaken his capacity to enjoy adulthood.

However, ACE can be resolved if you work with a professional counsellor/Mental health therapist. There are psychological tools that can be used to dissolve the impact of ACE and help you live a more fulfilling and enjoyable adult life.

I usually advise newly married couples to stay far away from their families. If you stay the same street with your in-laws, you should expect them to visit you often unless you're not a bonafide son/daughter. So, to avoid intentional or unintentional " intrusion" into your family, please stay far away from them.

Secondly, if you're marrying an only son/daughter, expect constant calls ( even video calls ) in the early part of your marriage for obvious reasons. It does not necessarily imply an attempt to control your home. The parents could just be missing their child. I know an only son who japad mid last year. The mom cried as if the son had died.

Now, let's assume you notice a deliberate attempt to control your home, you need to approach it with wisdom. Discuss wit your partner to devise the appropriate way to inform any parent intruding into your family. Don't talk to any in-law harshly or disrespectfuly. Remember, you will also become an in-law very soon.

Finally, marriage requires tact, wisdom and maturity. It is not wise to lay a weak foundation for the future of your family.

It was on a cool evening drive in Kaduna. I was in my mentor' Peugeot 504 driving down to Kakuri from Ahmadu Bello Way.
He looked sideways to me on the passenger's seat and, with a voice that carried a tinge of warning said " Socratiz, don't ever think of marrying a lady from a rich family. Marry from a family within you circle. If you marry from those beyond your circle, your in-laws would see you as a gold digger. Though they may shower you with lots of gifts at your wedding, you would end up being a weaker partner in the union. The rich have their way of doing things. You could end up washing cars for your in-laws or become an errand boy in that family and if you complain, they
can retrieve their daughter and all gifts given to you and even send you to prison".

It was an invaluable advice I kept to when I needed to choose a partner.

Any young person reading this may like to live by this advice too, although some people are lucky marrying from a wealthy family. This is not designed to condemn folks from wealthy homes.

Whether you're a guy or a young man, please think very well before you choose a partner.

An advice had been given that you will need the support of a professional counsellor or therapist to overcome many underlying issues responsible for your feelings of insecurity. Such underlying issues include childhood traumatic experiences.

Some early childhood scripts are responsible for the way every adult live his or her life. Unless these scripts are edited, revised or erased, adulthood would be filled with toxicity and bitterness.

Each person's life script is different so it requires personal interaction to identify yours and a special strategy would be developed to help you.

I am a professional marriage counsellor and mental health therapist.

You may wish to contact me.

You need the support of a mental health therapist to overcome this addiction. You can see how impossible it has been for you fighting the addiction alone.

Your awareness of the pain this addiction gives you and your desire to break free is already a positive step.

I hope you are prepared to pay for therapy.

I see people who have the money to purchase the substance they are addicted to but unwilling to pay for therapy that will help them break free from it.

Send me a DM if you need further guidance

While ther are unfriendly in-laws ther are also disrespectful wives. It's not all marital problems that are caused by in-laws, many are also caused by the attitude of the wife.

These days we see lots of ladies who have no iota of respect and honour for others. They prance about with an air of entitlement and speak with so much pride that sensible in-laws would prefer to avoid them.

I submit that everyone needs high level relationship skill to succeed in life. Each person needs to learn how to initiate, build and maintain a healthy relationship that is beneficial to you and the other person.

Remember, you have in-laws today. In a few years time you will also become an in-law to your children's spouse.

Let's all build a healthy community where we can all grow, flourish and support one another.

Every addiction is an attempt to cope with some underlying childhood trauma.

The trauma needs to be identified and resolved before the addiction can be overcome.

You need to see a mental health or addiction recovery specialist.

Fighting addiction alone can be extremely difficult that's why a relapse is easy.

With the help and support of a therapist, you stand a better chance of recovery.

You can send me a mail if you need further information

Why is everyone talking about the pastor
and blaming him here?

How about the parents of the woman and other family members who collectively insisted the woman should remain in the marriage?

Your sister in law is not seducing you, you are the one seducing yourself.

Face the facts. Hold yourself responsible for your thoughts and be ready to face the consequences of your action.

No one will forgive you because she seduced you, even if she does.

As a fully grown man, you are responsible for anything you do.

If you're not ready to face the repercussions of sleeping with her, then run. Run.

You need to set firm boundaries in your marriage and do all you can to assert it. Do not violate the boundary of sex in your marriage. You will regret it

I see no reason you cannot tell her to get her own accommodation.

Help yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Don't sell your integrity for five minutes of ecstasy

You have valid reasons for not wanting her to come for omugo.

The question you need to ask yourself is What would happen if she does not come?

You must prepare to live with the consequences of stopping her from coming.

The truth is, nothing will happen.

It's not advisable you subject yourself to emotional stress so soon after childbirth otherwise it could lead to PTSD.

Give yourself peace of mind to take care of your baby.

By the way, make sure you get the support of your husband on this so that if your mum raises dust, both of you can fight it.

Wishing you a safe delivery

Please enrol for marriage counselling. A professional counsellor would help you guide you on how to go about this.

You can pm me for guidance

So much damage has been done to this young boy by the actions of his father with your acquiescence. I wonder to what extent you raised your concern while he was being maltreated.

I would advise the three of you to go for counseling, you, your husband and your son.

Let me tell you this

I wanted my so to study pharmacy too because he had excellent grades in all science subjects from secondary school. He insisted that he wanted to study physics. I only raised a mild objection and granted him his wishes. That was 2004. Now, he is outside the country with his family and doing well. As parents we must learn to respect the choices our children by the time they complete secondary school.

One other thing you can do is to grant him his request to study complete science.

Let the dad apologize to him ( this may be extremely difficult for an African father) and tell him he can study the course of his choice.

Please don't damage this boy further.

It is interesting that young people these days see marriage in a different light from thebolder generation.

Many see marriage as a transactional relationship from which they can disengage for any flimsy reason. So the foundation is already insecure and when th slightest breeze blows, they step out of the relationship.

Some (especially some ladies) see marriage as a way to escape from poverty so they look for a guy with a fat account. If, for any reason the money disappears, the ladies opt out, in search of another guy.


It is even worse for young people who cannot take care of themselves getting married. I wonder the type of family they want to build.

I cannot enumerate the number of reasons people marry these day.

However, there are marriages that stand the test and stress of time. Let me add that the fact you have not seen a godly, happy and wonderful marriage does not mean they don't exist. It's just that bad news fly faster and people are more interested in reading news of failure.

To have a happy marriage, both parties need to prepare their minds that they will make the necessary sacrifices to stay married.

It's like when you get into the university. You make up you mind that whatever any lecturer does, you won't abandon your studies. Even if you finish with two Fs in a course, you resit th papers and continue.

Let me add that when you have to confront an issue which you don't know how to handle, it's best to consult a professional counsellor.

I say this from experience, having been married for over thirty years

Did you experience being molested by an older lady when you were young?

This is usually the precursor to emotional attachment to older ladies.

Can you confirm this?

Firstly, it is obvious each of this couple has a different core value.

The core value of the husband is the family. He probably grew up on a stable and closely-knit home. So he prioritise the family/children over career.

But the wife's core value is career. I would be surprised if she didn't grow up in a home where the woman was marginalized or even maltreated because of low career. Career gives her a sense of personal worth and value therefore, she could not forgo this opportunity.

In any case, for a training which is only one week, this should pose no problems for them. I had to reread the post to be sure it is not a two-month course.

Both of them need to make the sacrifice. Get a sit-in person and pay her to look after the children. Even if they end up paying with the 800 Euro which the wife will get from the course.

The man mentioned that the wife adopts some unhealthy methods to have her way whenever they have a friction. This needs to be dealt with. I suspect the wife may have some underlying trauma which need to be resolved. A professional counsellor should be able to help with that.

Please solve your marital problem and live together in peace.

Cheers

Your wife's indiscretion is not helpful. She is taking her freedom too far. I wonder what she finds enticing in a 50 year old man.

Firstly, you need to be more firm with your objection to the relationship your wife is keeping with this man. Be bold and frank whole discussing with her and spell out the implications to her.

Secondly, talk to the man. When he calls, while speaking with your wife, interfere and tell him boldly that you are not comfortable with the way he calls your wife. Put it to him that would he like his daughter to be constantly bombarded like this by an elder man. How would he like his wife to be treated like this? Tell him that as an elderly person, he should not destabilise a younger family. Tell him in the presence of your wife. She may not like it, but make your point.

If your wife still continues with this relationship after these , then you can assume she is hooked to the man.

I cannot suggest what to do now unless you confirm that their relationship is still ongoing after your intervention.

Every habit begins with a cobweb but ends in metal chains. It may seem harmless now and you think you are in control but this habit will gradually drag you into a pit.

You are using alcohol as a coping mechanism to handle internal turmoil which have not discovered yourself.

I advise you enrol in counseling. The internal vacuum that alcohol fills for you will be identified and a better coping mechanism will be designed.

Don't tell yourself you cannot do drugs. If you continue this way, a time will come that the high you get from alcohol will not be enough and you will be tempted to try something else. That's where drugs will come in. Many of those who are drug addicts start with alcohol.

Please seek for help now. The cost of getting help now will not b much. If you stay longer, it may cost more to get help.

You need counseling because this action of yours is likely to dig the grave for your marriage.

You may wish to contact me

Both of you need lessons on emotional intelligence.

Why are you elevating you political views over your relationship? And none of you is able to see that your relationship is more important that LP or APC?

You are holding on to your political views as if your life is incomplete without any of these politicians.

Relationship is built on give and take.

I will tell you this because you're the one I have access to.

Please give your guy the permission to hold his own views and don't try to override his views because you studied international politics. Keep your views to yourself. You're hurting his pride by trying to puncture his views. No man likes that.

If you want this relationship to work, one of you must step down his or her political views.

I have see a couple whose marriage broke up because one of them supports ManU while the other supports Arsenal.

Take your relationship serious.

It is difficult to predict what could happen in this relationship.

I can see you are committed to it but how can the guy's commitment be assured. If he is as committed as you are, the relationship is secure. But if he is not, your absence could be an opportunity for him to play around.

I need to know the history of the relationship, how it started and what issues you have had along the way to give you a better advice.

However, you are taking a risk by remaining in this relationship.

Anyway,life itself is a risk but if you are averse to risk, you need to consider your options.

My friend's daughter was married for four years before they got a baby following the simplest of method. It may be as difficult as it is painted to you.

There is a very simple formula that can assist you. You don't have to divorce your wife.

I cannot reveal much online but you can send me a DM.

I believe there is a solution, you just have to find out where you can get it.