₦airaland Forum

The wife does not necessarily need to be the one in control for the home to be peaceful.
It is not every home where the wife is in control that is peaceful.There are many homes that the peace is anchored on the man.

It takes maturity, commitment and love fo bth home to be in peace and these are not qualities restricted to only women.

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This is one reason why social media should be regulated.

When a supposedly reasonable person concoct a fake story like this, he should face the consequences.

Those who play musical instruments for the church should be paid. It is sad that pastors who criticise them cannot play any instrument. They don't know what it takes to acquire the skill to play any instrument.

I spent years learning to play the organ after my secondary school and up till now, I'm still learning.

If a church does not want to pay instrumentaliy, let them have their service without any music and see how it would go.

Furthermore, many of these young people sacrifice higher education to concentrate on honing their skills. You can't have such people and not pay them.

Alternatively, let the pastor make their children to learn the musical instrument and keep them in church to play freely at every service.

I would approach the issue if staying with your parents when you're married on a case-to-case basis. It depends on the nature of your relationship with your parents.

Those who have a toxic relationship with their parents will never do that. You have heard of children who avoid even a normal conversation with their parents. You cannot advise such a child to live with their parents with their spouses.

But if you have a loving, convivial and stable relationship with your parents, you won't mind living with them with your spouse.

However, you need to set healthy boundaries between your family and your parents.

If each party is aware of their boundaries and such boundaries are respected, there should be no issue between you.

In conclusion, I submit that it's the nature of your relationship with your parents that determine whether you'd live with them with your spouse or not.

You are preventing your dad from facing the consequences of his decisions and that's not healthy for either of you.

He is an adult. You should be learning and leaning on him but he's emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you. Unfortunately, you are enabling this attitude.

I don't advise you bring him to stay in any of your house, especially because of the reasons you gave. If he comes closer to you, you will experience serious emotional stress.

If he wants a five bedroom palace he should fund it. Give him only what you can afford.
Tell him you don't have the resources for a three bedroom firmly.

It's obvious you have a compassionate heart to be taking care of him despite all he had done in the past. But you don't have to enable and encourage irresponsible behaviour.

You made two mistakes.

Firstly, you thought the guy is a friend but he is not.

Secondly, you have not learnt to set boundaries.

A boundary is a limit you set for others to ensure your property, time, money etc are not misused or violated.

That guy is not a friend to you. He is most filled with envy because of your blessing.

Let me add that he should not be within your circle.

Make friends with those who are moving in the same direction with you in life, not one who'd rather destroy what you have to drag you low to his own level.

I take it that you're here to talk about how to manage yourself and ensure a warm relationship with your kids, having divorced your wife. I am not going to explore the incident that led to the divorce because it's already in the past, and you cannot undo what has already been done.

So you're here, divorced but having to financially support your two kids who are in the custody of your ex wife.

Ordinarily, I would expect that you have access to them either weekly or monthly when you can take them to visit you or you visit them where they are.

I can imagine the emotions of not having them under your roof 24/7 especially if you're a core family person who lives children. You'd also be wondering what your ex wife would be feeding them about you. She'd probably be painting herself as a saint.

Nevertheless, you have a duty to the children. Don't bother too much about what your ex wife could b telling them. They will learn when they mature and decide for themselves.

I strongly advise you don't shirk your responsibility to the kids no matter what.

The other issue is whether you want to remarry. That's something to think about deeply. You could be nursing the fear of not marrying a woman who'd cheat like the first and so, become indecisive about who to marry. This would require some level of counselling and I advise you seek for a marriage counsellor if you have this apprehension.

Finally, life must go on. It's good to read that you have moved on. Whether you move or not, the train of life is moving.

Face your fears. Face your life. Don't allow the past to blur your vision of your future.

It is well with you.

It is advisable to tread with caution before going into a marriage relationship with anyone who has no relationship with their parents.

Granted that they could have had a toxic and traumatic relationship with the parents but when anyone gets to the age of marriage, this is the age of responsibility. It is necessary to forgive the parents. At least, be on talking terms with them, and if you're struggling with forgiving them, seek for counsel.

If you go into marriage with such a person, the childhood trauma will definitely surface in the marriage because it has not been resolved. Unforgiveness, bitterness and painful memories are heavy baggages to bring into marriage so as a partner, don't think you can have a peaceful marriage with these baggages.

I'd rather go out without my phone than honour without my handkerchief.
It's a matter of cleanliness and class.

You don't have to fight with your friend for saying this, but you need to warn your spouse to be wary of such a friend.

Though your friend may claim that the comment has no connotation but it is filled with nuances which breed suspicion.

Work on your spouse not to create an opportunity for this friend to violate your marriage.

While your mum's fears may be valid, it is not proper to label this innocent lady a husband snatcher.

She expressed a legitimate desire to have her own family, this does not paint her as being desperate and ready to snatch your husband.

I advise you mention this to your husband. I perceive he would find it funny. It's good you trust your husband because a man does not need a house help to be unfaithful if he wants to.

In any case she does not live with you but you also need to be watchful whenever she's around.

If your mum still insists, you and your husband may need to talk about it with her and allay her fears.

The problem is not so much with your friend but with your would be husband.
His action goes to prove that he cannot be trusted to keep marriage vows.

I think you should be glad the relationship broke up now so you're not carrying any baggage into the next relationship.

Meanwhile, learn from this mistake. Choose your friends carefully.

This is like asking for advice after the crime has been committed. You should have done this before marrying the lady not after.

You should not have allowed your mum to emotionally manipulate you. It's your life and though she can counsel you but she does not have the right to choose a wife for you. How long is she going to live with you to determine what happens in your life?

You are being forced to live the life your mum wants not the life you choose

It seems you have always been Mama's boy and she doesn't want you to have a life of your own

Now you have to decide whether you want to live you life or you still want to attach yourself to your mum's apron.

The sum of 88k erroneously paid into my account one time like that. I went to the bank to complain, the customer service looked at me somehow and said " why are you complaining of money paid into your account?" I had to go upstairs to see his boss who apologised.

Right before me the actual owner was traced. He happened to be a retired colonel in Abuja.

I left with a warm handshake from the boss.

It's not always safe to appropriate what does not belong to you.

This level of insecurity is an indication of childhood trauma. This creates a sense of fear and low esteem.
She could have experienced being abandoned and uncared for in childhood so her mind is replaying this scenario unconsciously. Some other adverse childhood experiences could also be responsible.

This is not an emotion either if you can deal with on your own, it is advisable you contact a therapist. There will be the need to explore her upbringing to establish at what point this emotion developed. Then she will be guided on how to resolve the issues.

If you need any form of guidance on this, feel free to send me a mail

You took the right decision to terminate this relationship.

It is unfortunate that men are looking for women who would help build their dreams, they forget that a woman also has dreams. Both parties are supposed to contribute to the realisation of each others dreams.

I really don't see how this relationship would have worked if you forced yourself to marry him.

You will find a man who will see the good in you and will support your pursuit of fulfilment while you do the same for him.

You don't have to loose yourself in marriage neither should you allow any man treat you like a disposable appendage.

Build a life that commands respect by adding value to yourself every day.

It is well with you

Honestly, you need to see a family counselor. There's so much details you muddled together in your write up that need to be disentangled.

By getting involved extra marital affairs you have complicated your issues.

I perceive you don't want to divorce your wife but both if you carry so much garbage that it's only in counseling sessions that those baggages can be explored and resolved.

Feel free to contact me if you need guidance on this.

This complaint is not complete.

You need to tell us the nature of relationship you have with him.

Why do you think he took such a decision without your input?

Have you been a loving and understanding parent to him?

How about the mother? Are you living together with her?

Though at 37, your son does not necessarily require your permission to marry but culture demands that he keeps you in the picture.

There must be a reason he didn't involve you.

Unless we know the reason, it would be presumptuous to pass any judgement

i go like join your group o[/quote

If you own and drive a Benz car, send a mail to me.

This is mere copy and paste.

I can take a bet that op has never driven a Benz in his life, that is if he even has a car.

You can get a more reliable assessment from Benz owners.

I belong to Mercedes Benz car owners WhatsApp group. Get a Benz and join us for a proper assessment.

Seems your wife is experiencing PTSD, post traumatic depression syndrome

Please show understanding.

She will come back to normal but you can fasten the process by showing love and affection.

The CS sne went through exposed her to trauma which she is trying to resolve but the results is what you see because she doesn't have the skill to navigate through.

There nothing demonic mas satanic concerning this.

I beg you, show some understanding and she will soon be alright.

Even if I'm offered ten sticks I won't take this chance with my life.

I don't have a duplicate of the life abeg

Being attracted to older females suggests that you were sexualy molested by an older female when your were young.

Can you confirm this?

You already possess incontrovertible evidence of your husband's Infidelity but please, go for the necessary tests to be sure you have not been infected by sti.

You cannot pretend not to know what he's been doing so you need to confront him.

It would be good to know how long you have been married and whether there was a case of infidelity during your courtship. Is this the first time or there are other cases?

I advise you don't start with a fight. Present your evidence in a clear and matured manner. Let him know how painful and traumatic you feel that he could do that. His response should determine whatever steps you'd take afterwards.

If he shows a sense of remorse, then you can forgive him. If not, you may need to escalate to a respected authority in his life.

In any case, marital infidelity requires counselling. Usually, there are underground and unresolved issues responsible for it. Such issues can I my br discovered in counseling sessions.

I fully support earlier contributors who advised that you cut yourself away from this family confusion.

But it seems your mum would need your support.

Beyond that, you also need counseling. You have experienced so much trauma that you need professional help to deal with it because if you don't, it would spill into your marriage and negatively impact your children

This proposal reeks with infantile narcissism. Youre only thinking of yourself and consider it a favour to this single mum for asking her to give you two children.

Firstly, it is naive of you to conclude that you can never find a decent and godly lady in this country. Obviously, you have always been in the midst of indecent and wayward ladies.

There are thousands and probably millions of young, decent, untainted and godly ladies in Nigeria. The set of people you move with determine the people you meet. Birds of the same feather flock together. If you want to find good ladies, you have to be good yourself. Your inability to find a decent lady is an indirect indictment on yourself.

I hope the lady has a matured person around her to give her sound counsel on your proposal so that she doesn't enter into this "one chance"

If all you want is to have two kids why don't you consider adoption?

Beyond that, I advise you consider your old age. You won't remain this age for ever. Do you think your children would be proud of you when you're older and they get to know how you had them?

Please consider the uncountable variables of life, much of which are beyond your control.

I advise that you have your own family and build a home together with in a loving environment.

I advise you seek help from a grief counselor.

This is a painful loss that requires a skillful management so that he can cope. You cannot imagine the state of her mind to be so disconsolate for one month.

Please get some professional help for her because prolonged grief can be disastrous.

You can send me a mail if you need the services of a counsellor

It is obvious that the debt he went into to sponsor your wedding is taking a toll on his mental health.
It would have been helpful if your response was supportive when he complained that he had to take loans for th wedding. Rather than since he was the one who wanted your hand in marriage, he was supposed to fulfill all obligations, you would have said you understand the challenge both of you are facing with the debt on you both, and you're prepared to find a solution together.

You'd agree that the problem is not only for him, it's for both of you. So the solution must come from you both.

My advice is you approach him and whether he listens directly or not, tell him you want to be involved in solving this challenge.

Find out how much he borrowed. How much he's paying per month. Let him know how much you will contribute.

Face this challenge together and you will win. Do not abandon him as if it doesn't concern you.

It's unfortunate that your wife experienced what we call adverse childhood experience in professional counselling.

She will require professional help to resolve the trauma. It is not something you can handle without support.

She can overcome the challenge and build a wonderful homke with you.

You can contact me for guidance

There is something fishy here.

Why did she visit the boss's friend in the hotel?

You don't try to smell what you won't eat.

She could have turned down the invite.

Seems she finds something attractive in the man.

However, you were supposed to have discussed issues like this. You define what is acceptable to you and what's not in the relationship.

It is normal to have admirers either as a single lady or married woman but a matured woman shoul know how to handle such admirers. This lady has not shown that she can handle it.

I don't see your action and an indication of insecurity. You are protecting your mental health.

If you can resolve this between yourselves, I advise you continue your relationship.