₦airaland Forum

It is obvious you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

You need to see a therapist.

Send me a DM if you don't mind

I have guided couples to adopt children in Lagos state. If you're in Lagos, please send a DM.

There is a process involved. It is not true that you can just walk into government office and walk out with a baby because you want to adopt the baby.

The success of a marriage does not depend on tribe.

As an Igbo guy, haven't you seen Igbo couples whose marriage have collapsed? Haven't you seen Yoruba couples whose marriage has hit the rock?

You are responsible for the success of your marriage.

If both of you decide to share your future together and choose to make your marriage work, you're good to go.

Every relationship has its up and down but your decision to navigate together and overcome the challenges will ensure you enjoy your marriage.

With this much anxiety you entertain I would recommend you contact a professional counsellor to guide you in your decision.

You did nothing wrong.

Though you need to apologize to your mum but that does not mean she has unfettered control over your family. The purpose is just to reconcile with her.

Let your wife know that you are in charge of your home, not your mum, even if she's staying with you.

This issue requires wisdom on your part because you are in the UK where the woman is almost in control of the family.

Much as one would expect both of you to me commited to your marriage, it seems to me as if your wife is more committed to her mum than the marriage. Yes, she needs to support her mum but if what you stated is true, that her mum is more financially buoyant than your mum, I would expect her to be more reasonable. I hope her mum is not the one putting pressure.

Maybe your wife is being indoctrinated to believe that she have more powers that you do in the marriage because of your location.

There are issues to explore in this matter. Obviously, there's a own sense of entitlement from one quarter.

Send me a mail if you don't mind.

Marriage is built on trust and integrity and one of the ways to demonstrate mutual trust and confidence in each other is for couples to have a common goal and common vision. This is why having a common purse or joint account is desirable for couples.

However, a joint account is not a panacea to all the challenges a couple would face in life. In fact, having a joint account could be the beginning of problems in a family. Anyone who has trust issues would import it into his/her marriage whether they have a joint account or not. You can have a peaceful, happy and godly home even if the husband and wife operate separate accounts.

Instead of clamouring for a joint account, I submit that having a will is more important, especially as the couple begin to accumulate wealth in their marriage. A will ensures that what both of them work for would not be appropriated by in-laws if any of them dies.

I have seen cases where the man died and two days later, his family drove the wife and three children out of their residence and took over. But for the intervention the police and availability of a will, all seized items were returned.

Please protect your wife and children by having a will, even if what you have is only a TV. You cannot predict what would happen to your family if you're no longer on this planet. Your family would have access to both your individual account and joint account if you have a will.

Yes. You need therapy.

The picture of marriage you have is not global. Yes, many homes experience turmoil and stress but why should you expect to be unhappy in your family.

You can get more than the joy and satisfaction you presently enjoy even in marriage.

Life's satisfaction comes in sharing that's why the Bible says it is not good for a man (or woman) to be alone.

You need therapy to reorientate your mindset because if you go into marriage with this mindset, there will be trouble. What you expect will always be your experience.

I am a certified marriage counselor, married for over 35 years and I can tell that once you set a solid foundation for your marriage, you will have little problems along the way b

You may wish to contact me.

What authority does this person have to prescribe what is God's blessing and what is not?

Did God not know that some parents would be financially buoyant than their children before He prescribed that children should bless their parents?

Be careful with who you follow.

Some people are lost already, if you follow them all of you are heading into darkness and oblivion.

She doesn't need a lawyer especially because this is happening in Lagos state.

There is a Lagos State Agency she can contact. The government will intervene and the man will not be able to harass her unless he wants he wants to taste prison beans.

I am not sure whether the information should be shared on a public forum like this.

You can send me a mail so that I give you the necessary information

I don't advise you stand as a guarantor for him to take any loan, not even N200.

Don't be surprised that once he gets some money he could reinvest it in another online biz so as to earn their phantom profit.

The best I would advise is to give him what you can afford to forget, not a loan that you'd expect him to repay.

They are adults, let them face their music

I tried to read through the trail to see if there's any point you agreed that you have anger issues but I couldn't find. May I add that you also have lots of insecurities and entitlement mentality. This is a combustible combination in any relationship. I can take a bet that you have issues with other types of relationship.

The naked truth is that you need to enrol for anger management with a professional counsellor. If you don't handle your personality, this same episode will repeat itself if your wife comes back. You will emotionally abuse her and she would have to run away again.

If your wife were to be my daughter, I would not allow her return to you unless you undergo anger management.

There is no doubt that you have some unresolved trauma which could be from childhood. Unless this is dealt with, this anger and irascible script will continue to run your life.

It is a fact that the way you kay your bed is how you lie on it.

Your marriage can work if you're ready to put the efforts.

I've been married for 35 years, (thrifty five) and still counting.

These days, young people think marriage is not supposed to last but that not true.

The family is the bedrock of the society

If each person in a marriage decides that their union would not break, then it will not.

[quote author=Ajomulala post=119909459]How do I get the this professional. By the way professional of what ? Pls I really need this . This matter is draining me mentally and making me depressed. If there is anyone I can talk to physically I will appreciate [/quote

Send me a mail via socratiz@zohomail.com

You need counseling from a professional

jclassiq:
What's your email?

socratiz@zohomail.com

shantti:
How much u dey charge, I need therapy too

Send mail to socratiz@zohomail.com

Roboclopp:
How do I contact you?

I am using a private email, so it will not send an email via nairaland For some reason it is just not working

send mail to socratiz@zohomail.com

You can send me a mail.

I am a professional counsellor with specialization in mental health and addiction.

I can help you overcome any trauma.

The rare at which young people idolise themselves these days as loners or introverts is an indication of the prevalence of childhood trauma.

Being introverted or extroverted is based on the environment a child grows up. If a child grows up in a safe, loving and peaceful environment, the child is emotionally stable and sees the world as a safe place where they can fully express their minds and desires without fear.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family with lots of tension and stress makes a child to withdraw from the world into their inner sanctuary. The child interprets the world as chaotic and unfriendly. This is how attitudes are developed.

But no man is an island. No matter how comfortable you are in your sanctum, you need others thrive and fulfil your potentials.

Whether you admit ornot, unhealthy withdrawal from the environment is a sign of social anxiety disorder. You may need a trained Counsellor to help you overcome your fears.

Rather than asking for counsel from an online forum where you're likely to get advice from teenagers who don't know anything, why don't you consider contacting a professional marriage counsellor?

You will get more useful counsel from a professional counsellor.

ante56:
I have Calle his attention times with number but all to no avail
I can’t remember the last day he asked
“How was your day?
Even when I’m sick he doesn’t care at all
I have cried
Still no change
Reason why I thought of cheating so I wouldn’t care anymore
I won’t disturb him and I’m sure he’ll be fine

Is there any one he respects that you can intervene in this matter?

If you're Christians you may wish to inform your church leader or any elderly person who has some influence on him.

If not, you can think of a family friend but I advise such a person must be someone he respects.

I don't advise you inform his family member because his attitude may be a reflection of the family, in which case they won't be able to help.

You can send me a mail if you don't mind

Have you ever called his attention to his total neglect of you while he lavishes his attention to outsiders?

If you did, what was his response?

It's possible there's a reason for his behaviour which he may not even be aware of.

As a wife you have the right to have his attention but since you're being denied, it's necessary to find it why.

Infidelity is not the solution. It would further complicate the issue.

It's difficult to predict what may happen if he discovers your unfaithfulness.

Try to find a solution to it.

If need be contact a professional counsellor.

Can you send me a mail?

This is a traumatic experience for your daughter. You should thank God that she even mentioned it to you.

Why other members of the family do not believe it is another mystery.

There's is no doubt that the 15 year old had also been molested.

Please take your husband's advice not to take the case to the church.

What you need is to get help for your daughter.

Take her to see a professional child Counsellor.

Meanwhile, you may also need professional help to process your emotions. In fact, I would recommend family therapy because your husband also needs help.

Please get help as soon as possible.

You can contact me for guidance.

Max speed : 178km/h
Car: Opel Senator 1997 Model with digital dashboard

My usual speed used to be a max of 160km but that day I needed to catch an appointment in Kaduna and I left Minna a little bit late.

If you know Minna- Sarkin Pawa road in 2002, you will understand the temptation.

I thought I was cruising my normal 160km when I looked down on my dashboard and saw 178km/HR

I lifted my legs from the accelerator immediately.

I reminded myself that I had two children in the university and I wanted to witness their graduation.

Appointment can wait. I needed to be alive to even meet the appointment.

Since that day I even reduced the maximum speed I would do with any vehicle to 140km

Good writeup.

Call it "The Fractionalization of African Families"

It is sad that the values of family bonding had been eroded in our society.

We have built concrete walls around ourselves so that no one cares about the other person.

We are filled with so much fear and suspicion that no one wants to identify with the other person.

Selfishness and greed is the order of the day.

Even among people of same faith, no one trusts the other. Hardly does anyone take a cup of water in the house of the other.

The society is polarised by money and position.

What is the solution to this problem?

A paradigm shift.

Children need to be taught the values of compassion, empathy and love.

Adults need to display these values in the relationships so that younger generation can learn.

It's going to be a long process but we can achieve it.

My honest advice to you is that you see a professional marriage counsellor.

The Counsellor would help you unravel the reasons behind your wife's reluctance to sex.

It could be from her upbringing, family background, old wives fables about sex or even hormonal imbalance.

Infidelity is not the solution and I'm happy your Christian church conviction is against it.

You may wish to contact me for guidance

There was nothing you could have done to stop him from leaving anyway. So, it's no use to blame yourself for his action.

Nevertheless, there's need to explore the reason(s) why a man would ignore the financial, psychological and social needs if his nuclear family.

Almost all attitudes displayed in adulthood is the result of individual upbringing. The significant peoples in a child's life and the environment the child grew up determine how the child would behave as an adult.

People with the attitude of the op's father probably grew up in an environment where emotions had to be suppressed so, he does not know how to express his emotions.

Secondly, life is a teacher and depending on what we face while growing up, we can devise coping mechanisms as props to handle difficult life's challenges. Life could have taught the op's dad some hard lessons that his own way of coping is to be numb to the feelings towards others.

Thirdly, there could be a distraction somewhere, like a hidden affair or addiction.

I advise you wait until he returns and find time to talk to him like a child. Ask him whether your mum or any of the children had offended him for him to withhold his care and affection from the family.

This may be the wakeup call he needs.

You don't have to be afraid of approaching him. Don't allow your anger at his attitude stop you from doing this.

Muster the courage to ask him respectfully. His response would help you to know what next to do.

You are not in love, you are in a state of infatuation.

Since you describe yourself as an introvert, your hormones are running wild for the first time, so your brain is working overtime. Your hormones are controlling you.

You should think your stars that lady is not responding in like manner otherwise, your family would have recommended that you visit Yaba.

Your eyes will soon clear.

The waves of infatuation is too unpredictable to ride on.

Give yourself time to recover.

You will be well

The fragile nature of marriages these days is an indication of lack of premarital counseling.

Marriages are contracted during the phase of infatuation.

At this stage reasoning and rationality are in suspension. Both of them are flying in the moon. They don't know what marriage means.

During premarital counseling, suppressed childhood traumas which will surface to disrupt their marriage are identified and dealt with.

Their personalities are explored and possible areas of tension and stress in their future home are identified and solutions provided.

Conflict Resolution skills are taught.

Home management skills are taught.

The money management skills of each of them would be explored and best practices which will help their home are taught.

Their sexual orientation would be explored and necessary information is given to help them in this area as well.

By the time all these areas are explored, the differences may be so glaring that both parties could decide to go their separate ways.

Premarital counseling is not designed to force people to marry but it is to help them decide whether they would go ahead or not.

If anyone needs help in this area, just send me a mail.

Respect is earned, so do not expect to be respected because you're a corper. You have to make yourself respectable.

Dress neatly. Sloppy dressing will present you as a big teenager with little sense of maturity.

Don't join in useless talks or gossip. The kess you talk the more you will be respected.

Face your job. Don't be a walkabout corper.

Be professional is your assignment. Be a person of value and make impactful contribution to the organisation.

Talk to people with respect. They will reciprocate.

What you expect is what you will get according to the principle of "Self-fulfilling Prophecy". So expect to be respected.

These are few principles I can share with you for now.

Good luck