₦airaland Forum

Kimoni:
Lewis, are you sure you ain't talking about my mum lol...my mum is also like that. Whenever she comes around, she would always enquire about where I am going to and would not hesitate to call me if I am not back by 10pm except it's a work day, it got so bad at one point that I had to tell that only my hubby had the right to ask me such questions

Like you and Damiso said, the most difficult part of it all is finding the right balance between then and now but if I were to err at all, I would err using their methods than what is obtainable now. Children have a way of knowing their parent's weaknesses and taking advantage of it to the fullest.

I also get very worried about my daughter sometimes. One problem I currently have is getting her to eat. She is losing a lot of weight from not eating coupled with the different activities typical of her age that she engages in yet she remains picky with food. I have cajoled, begged, tricked, threatened but it all seems not to be working. Sometimes, I ask myself what my parents would do if they were in my shoes *sighs*

@damiso -I honestly don't mind more kids but I don't see myself going through that 9 month journey again...lol

You see...
Mine recently told me in an authoritative tone that 'you see all this 'slimming' thing you are doing, I don't like it, you'd better add weight'. The effrontery!!!!!!!!
As if it is up to her what my size looks like.

Kimoni:
Something is funny here Dami. In one vein, we are berating our parents for their high-handedness in bringing up kids calling them old-skool but when we see the repercussions on those who didn't have this strict upbringing, we start appreciating them for that same high-handedness that saw us become better persons. So which is it?

Cc: Stillfire [size=4pt](sure you know why I tagged you)[/size]

Lol, I haven't read prior responses but I think I have a clue why I was tagged. I berate our African parents because they don't just know when to let go of their adult child. Adult being the operative word. It has to take the grace of God to get it into their skulls that their child is now grown and you cannot treat them like kids any more.

@snubish
I really like how you relayed your opinion. Very thoughtful post. I've learned a lot from this saga. I believe this is a learning moment for everyone - boys, girls, parents, guardians.

Even if she was not a minor, the details of the sexual encounters are alarming for me sef wey don old.
Because of this issue, I've been doing some readings. These statistics are crazy...

THE FACTS ABOUT ADOLESCENT REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH IN NIGERIA (Source: http://www.siecus.org/inter/nigeria/acti/acti0002.html)
SEXUAL RELATIONS

7 out of every 10 males and 5 out of every 10 females attending secondary school in Nigeria are sexually active or have had sexual relations at least, once. A study in Benin City showed that 55% of the secondary school girls had sexual intercourse before age 16. A more recent study showed that the mean age of initiation of sexual intercourse is 13 years.

PREGNANCY
Two out of every 5 secondary school girls interviewed admitted to at least one previous pregnancy. Over 900,000 births to adolescents occur annually and 150 out of every 1000 women who give birth in Nigeria are 19 years old and under.

ABORTION
Eighty percent of patients at Nigerian Hospitals with abortion-related complications are adolescent girls. These complications include hemorrhage, septicemia, perforated uterus, secondary sterility and in many cases, death. Illegally induced abortion is described as a school girls' problem in Nigeria.

Amya:
Ah! seems your haven't gone through her 2008 blog post then. That's where all the truth lies.

What you don't get is that the girl desperately wanted to appear cool. She wanted to be this enlightened soul and went about it all the wrong way. Leave all that stories about how he had her nude picture and intended to blackmail her with it. That's all face saving strategy. She was kinda obsessed with the guy and like a zombie would do anything he asked. The humiliation came in when he dumped her after her supposed "sacrifices" for him.

This Sugabelly chic has even annoyed me once on NL. It was one of those petty fights where she was arguing that I was a moralistic hypocrite for saying big brother africa shower hour was unnecessary. I cussed her back of course, so I know a thing or two about her trying to sound enlightened for the sole reason of being 'liberal'. But I cannot use that to negate her realities. Amya, we can only make conjectures here and there since we were not there.
But I still maintain that her having consented to a style of sex today does not translate to consent at all sexual encounters, hence the probability of citing rape.

Onegai:
@stillfire,

In a normal society, a 25 year old man having kinky. affairs with a 17 year old girl would have had his arse in jail by now. But we're in Nigeria... so her morals are to be judged. I mean, he could have waited till the following year and done as he pleased and whilst it would have been immoral, it would certainly not be illegal. But everyone is falling over themselves to defend. an illegal relationship.

It doesn't matter if. she rode to his office on a camel and offered herself wearing nothing but a Persian rug and had slept with the entire U-17 football team before then, the Nigerian Constitution says that it is illegal for an adult. male. to. take advantage of her stvpidity. He should have controlled himself till she was of legal age and therefore presumed to be adult enough to make that decision. But yeah, him breaking the law is not important, let's focus on her morals and her parenting.

Next time I see any thread in which someone rapes a minor, I shall certainly congratulate the accused. He's innocent until the underage minor can prove to us that she didn't deserve it. After all, a 10 year old in a spaghetti-strap top is clearly asking for "it" in Nigerian society. And just let me hear anyone hashtag #ChildNotBride, i'll insult them. We need. more 13 year old happily married women...

Damn!

@Amya,

There were instances of threats and sex against her will. The fact that she did it before and may have even enjoyed it, does not now mean she agreed to every sex.ual encounter with the guys. So Rap.e indeed occur.

Here are some of her excerpts...
Even after he was fired in April of 2007, at the end of each work day, he would show up outside our office on Amazon street to whisk me away. I would step outside the gate, and he would be there in his red Mercedes, waiting, demanding I get in.

I was terrified that my refusal would mean the exposure of the pictures he had taken of me early in our relationship, photos I told him not to take, but he did anyway, photos in which I was naked and vulnerable.

I had so much to be fearful of. The thought of the videos Abdul recorded of Mustapha and Tunji raping me seeing the light of day filled me with sheer terror. The alternative was keeping it all secret, and so I did.

His brother Bashir, was the same age as me, and Mustapha decided, that one way or the other, it was his duty as big brother to rid Bashir of his virginity. At what was supposed to be a casual get together for suya and drinks at Tunji’s house, he dragged Bashir and me into the bedroom, and pushed us inside, saying to Bashir “Bleep her!” before locking the door, and leaving me alone in the darkness with his brother.

All my pleas to Mustapha were in vain, and the only thing we heard from Mustapha from the other side of the door was “Don’t let me come back and find out you’re still a virgin.”

On a different date, his cousin, Jibril raped me in that same room. I screamed, and screamed, and fought, and struggled, eventually sticking my fingers into his nose, and biting his hands. In retaliation, he bit me hard on the nose, and later that night, I explained away the swelling on my nose I came home with as an unfortunate meeting with the edge of a swimming pool.
http://sugabellyrocks.com/2015/11/surviving-mustapha-audu-and-his-rape-brigade.html

fem29:
You know what I'm going to be controversial here. I blame the rapists 50% and I blame her useless excuse of parents 50%.

I have been following this story and trying to get to the bottom of how a 17 year old girl could have gone through all this with no one knowing. Apparently her father abandoned her and the mother used to take off and leave her to her own devices. Apparently her curfew at 17 years old was 12am . No parental guidance. I remember when I was 17, thunder fire me if I come home later than 8pm. I will stool down, kneel down, anything you can think off . If I was really late, na cane.

We are lucky we had parental guidance. Me I wasn't even allowed to go out.
If this is what is waiting for kids outside , I can now understand why my parents put us on lock down. may God help us. Didn't even know Nigerian men are already into threesomes, gang.bang etc. And these people are all married now with kids...

Yes I remember Sugabelly, even got into an argument with her once.
Premium times recently quoted a lawyer who said we have only made 18 ra.pe convictions in our legal history. Is this a serious country at all? The crime section alone on NL is riddled with ra..pe cases and we've only made 18 convictions?
We should be careful how we as a society are in haste to shut down victims of sexu.al violence. They deserve to be heard. It's left for the law courts to give their verdict. Unfortunately our courts have been a disappointment.

I saw an argument that Sugabelly is a slut etc. Our people need to evolve to know that a so-called slut, prostitu.te can be ra.ped o. A wife can also be rape.d. If Nigerian female legislators are serious they should take this as a project, expand the definitions of what constitute as ra.pe.

Also the argument that she has psychiatric problems that's why he dumped her bla bla. I'm not a lawyer, but in my field People with psychiatric problems are what we call vulnerable subjects and that would even worsen the accused defense, because a psychiatric patient saying yes does not mean you have the right to do whatever you want with them.

I hope all those rabid, stay-losing black men that rant about weaves are seeing this.
Where are they to defend this girl?

damiso:
Na wa o..

All this is not necessary ladies seriously life is just too short to be harbouring all this needless beef. Especially online



Ignoring sometimes does not mean one is weak it just means one has decided not to expend energy on negativity.

I agree with your last statement. But sometimes...lol

There is nothing wrong in married women posting in the boys thread now haba.

The gentleman code is a Western thing. Not even all Western men could be called gentlemen then. This so called gentleman codes are foreign to us. I cannot use these Western stuff to judge the African man.

TV01 won't agree.

Chineke what happened here?

Sagamite:
Abeg, does anyone have the nudes of Stillfire, teespice, mayflowerB, sandrannna, Mukina2, Dollyak, khiaa, baby124, onila?

Abeg, make you post am all now.

This is a time to share and make the world a better place.

Just imagine Patience Jonathan nude, then you have seen me.

amtheone:
You just dey shout. Just calm down, because u may not truly know what you think you know.

Huh?

iykedare:
Keep deceiving yourself.

Whatever.

freecocoa:
Me too but from my own little experience, that of others and generally observing things, I'm able to tell.

There's just that thing about many naija guys that make you wish they were more refined.

Lmao!
What we usually stereotype as nigerian male traits are usually southern nigerian traits. Now if not for the terroristic tendencies of the Northerners the emotional energy the put towards religion, they would come up tops as the most refined men in Nigeria.

Most likely environmental factors and our genes adapting to them.
For example the sand in the East typically has a reddish hue compared to the West and North.

This picture is more representative of our color spectrum. Most are not yellow skinned, but fall within the range of both extreme.

https://i.onthe.io/vllkytaHR0cDovL2Nkbi0wMS5uYWlqLmNvbS9vL0p5WUNORE9iSXV0eEFqUXhLVEpVbDJlMS5qcGc=.prx.r800x600.cc3ce45c.jpg

Before the Igbo man marries, he does his homework and saves to cancel out the risk of debt.
He doesn't marry for the simple fact that 'he is old enough to release fluids from his male organ' but to start a new civilization that would contribute positively to the society. His finances has to be in order to fulfill this obligation. We don't have a culture whereby someone else could finance your wedding.
Even an Igbo okada rider understands this dynamic and saves profusely. His woman must arrive into comfort, a comfortable status than when he was a single okada rider. That is the Igbo man's mentality.
Now that itself is admirable and maybe or maybe not the driving force is the bride price culture, however personally, bride price should be banned or we just need to outgrow the bride price culture as it does nothing to the ego of the female in modern society.

Sorry OP, the south easterner does not use those words in their daily cultural colloquialism. Just one or two are debatable and only because you can find root words in both languages.
I grew up in Lagos and when I use some of those terms to the South easterner, they have no clue to what I'm saying.
Same thing with the 'amala' issue. I eat it, but the South easterner will not touch it with a barge pole.
But I can see that you are on overtime on your bigotry and hate judging from your contributions on Nairaland.
Grow up it's not that serious.


While growing up

Akamu is Igbo, Ogi is the Yoruba equivalent
Agidi is the Igbo equivalent to Eko (with a dot under the 'e' and 'o') in Yoruba.

Unless you all have changed it

You guys make introversion sound like a disease or something that needs to be fixed.

They don't hate being around people, they hate being around people they don't know . A person who hates been around people is anti-social not introvert please!!!

True.

As par the no. 6, Introverts like being alone thats true, but over time they get lonely. This is a fact, whether your Introvert or Extrovert. The different is, while Extroverts will likely go out and have fun, an introvert will find a close friend to talk to.

I would replace lonely with 'get bored' with the state of your 'me' time. And then some external stimulation (extroversion -like going to parties) is required to get you back into yearning for your 'me' time again. Lonely is a state of not having a companion, a friend, a lover etc.

Simply defined, introverts are people who focus more on themselves, they turn to themselves (intro means 'inside', vertere means 'to turn'). This means that an introvert gains energy from being alone. That does not mean that introverts want to be alone all the time.

Agreed.

Ewuro4:
Hmm you're mean oh! ... So you know this all this while but still went ahead to cause katakata on the other thread? You're def on a mission.

On a serious note: @bold is a priceless life lesson.

How am I mean?

TV01:
This is to intentionally mis-read what feminism is and is about, or to demonstrate you simply don't know .

Although termed Patriarchy, it was a consensus betwixt male and female. Feminism is not after a regulatory role, it wants to rule. Not oversee, but completely take over. It's not about righting - mostly imaginary - wrongs, it wants to reign.

Feminism is by it's very nature intolerent and unbalanced - fascistic! What you describe - regardless of it's pros and cons - is not feminsim. In fact, it's a tacit agreement that Patriarchy is inherently good, but just requires checking occassionally - that is not anywhere like true feminism.

Either you don't properly grasp it or are trying to sweeten the pill by spinning it - we ain't swallowing !

Decent enough effort though. Lets call it a day for now. Here's a peace offering !


TV

I couldn't read what you wrote well. That picture was a tactic to distract me and you suceeded. Truce!

njokusboy:
Lol, see dodging, I doubt my point flew over your head, I believe you are deliberately dancing around it... lemme put it in bold.






If you still don't get my point, then no hope be dat



Continue wasting your time on baseless ventures.... as for me and my house, we'd take Nigeria to the promised land inspite of the many stereotypes....

I did not dodge. I answered your questions perfectly well. I should get an award for that, hehehe.

[quote author=TV01 post=39892410]Stilly, look, we both know Patriarchy is an accord between men and women. It's simply what women prefer and it's what works best [/b]. And if rights, responsibilities and opportunities are "gender neutral", choices will not be - and biology, sorry to say, drives a lot of choices.

Patriarchy bastardised? Nah! That's akin to saying "marriage is abusive". It's not the institution, it's how it is implemented. A[b]nd I agree some males, some societies abuse it somewhat. True Patriarchy is benign, protective, selfless - sacrificial even. But it leads, it is bold. Some men need to understand that better.

Hehehe...When marriage turn abusive, we have regulatory arms that deal with the offending party. You guessed right Feminism dealt with the offending party.
So because Patriarchy took the piss and was going on a path of tyranny across culture, Feminism rose up and righted some of the wrongs.
Patriarchy made the rules but made it one sided.
Right now this is how it exists until we reach our utmost balance...
Patriarchy is the executive arm, Feminism - legislative arm. We will co-exist to checking each other.

But feminism is no the key to righting any wrongs with Patriarchy - it is in itself a wrong. Don't fight it, encourage it in it's purest sense . With our women in support, we'll get there !

Lots of women want to study and excel in home economics - allow jor! And last time I looked, the best cooks and hairdresser where all men !


TV

Yeah they can excel in home economics, but this should not now be the definition of what womanhood stands for.
In the past when these roles were assigned to the genders, our forefathers subsequently interpreted it as taboo for a gender to do the other role. And that is how some people are still operating in the 21st century.
In Igbo land it was taboo for men to cook, due to gender equality we can boast of men cooking and no one raising eye-brows. You think it just came like that? Naa.
So TV it is here to stay to protect, check patriarchy.
Consider us your overseersssssss!

njokusboy:
I. Know d argument is over buttttiiii... I no fit allow dis one fly

The base of the argument was that those things were not worth making noise about... the fact that everybody suffers from one form of it, being one of the reasons...
Black people's balls were used for hockey dammit
We could not attend same school as whites
We could not be elected into congress
We were made to work in plantations...
Dat is discrimination...
Note that, we were actually forced not to do these things, we weren't just told they were wrong which would have made it no more than an opinion..

During the middle of the 20th century we see a series of discrimination to different groups of people. For example Anti-Japanese paranoia increased because of a large Japanese presence on the West Coast as a result of World war II. President Roosevelt signed an executive order in February 1942 ordering the relocation of all Americans of Japanese ancestry to concentration camps in the interior of the United States. Now this is not dampening the experiences of black people but to highlight the basis of your argument that for the reason other groups suffer discrimination, then no group should make the effort of challenging the status-quo otherwise it will be described as 'victim-mentality'. Someone just highlighted the ra.pe incidences in India, on the basis 'Nigeria' having it better. How about telling blacks they have it better since their experiences being used as subjects for illegitimate medical research cannot be compared to the lengths Nazi Germany took to perform experiments on Polish prisoners of war in the name of medical research. Well I am glad black people did not have njokusboy mentality.

Now if people say you shouldn't own a house because you are single, do they go as far as beating you up if you do so?
Does your mom use soldering iron on ur ar'se if u buy a car against her advice?
Talking about some isolated opinions held by some isolated individuals is actually an indication of cluelessness, its one of the excuses underachievers give for their shortcomings...
STOP IT...



But I know you won't

Oga I have already given this advice to the girl that did not buy a car cos of her parents.
I'm all for breeding strong, defiant girls where necessary.
But will it stop us from discussing these issues? Absolutely not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha

Kachisbarbie:
Reminds me of that Flavour's song
To be a man is not a day's job...
It's okay to say one doesn't need any validation from another human, but it doesn't change the fact that no one is an island. Deep down is us, we all crave to be appreciated by our loved ones and probably the society at large.
I would implore my fellow women to affirm their man while he's "stretching", be his personal cheerleader. Don't wait till he wins the race, affirm every single step.

Yeah humans are social beings. I think the right frame of words should be external validation should not trump ones self worth. Or better still a balance of the two.

njokusboy:
Una see am....

So where are you feeling pressured? Let us help you overcome it. I hope it's not a matter of having 7 inches worth of penile meat, because no help for you there o. Hehehehe

In 2015, I was privileged to work on two projects. The first was Jack & Jil Therapy – a free telephone based platform for those needing help for critical sexuality & life issues.

Did you publish any articles from this?

You cannot say you love without submitting to your partner.
Love is the principal thing. Not talking about hollywood butterflies in the belly kinda love.
But love as defined in the bible. That is the principle I have fashioned my life by and it has worked for me.

mavany:
@ Damiso , its kind of funny finding this thread cos I'm going tru something like this now. My dad married at 27 but lost his wife after 13 years tho they didn't get to have children. After barely one year , he married my mum at abt 40 years, mum was 21 when the got married , they had me almost immediately then waited for another ten to have my two brothers. My mum died at 46 last year june 26th. With my Dad being about 66 years and now approx 1year and 6 months Pops is thinking of remarrying, and exchanging I love you with a random woman he met up on facebook
Honestly , it irked me , I feel like my mums memory is being insulted, like the so called love Dad professed for mum and their happy marriage is just a facade, I feel like dad moved on too quickly
To make matters worse my family used to seem very close knit, but since this online lover came in Pops became aloof esp to my younger brothers who are used to getting his attention and him being very involved in their lives.
Dads stuck on his phone all day, being so soo secretive , the worse is him denying and pretending and lying to cover all these and planning secret meet ups.
I get night mares of my dad dying and leaving an old woman as responsibility for me to take care of.

I didn't mention of this older never been married woman getting the wind that pops family is resisting esp me the older Child and she sending me tests saying that I can't prevent her from marrying my Dad, asking me if I'm sleeping with my Dad and swearing to do all things humanly possible for my Dad to marry her so she can deal with me and make me eat sand lol.


Its all so funny coming from a 40 year old woman!!!
Maybe I'm selfish or what but, I surely don't feel gooda about another woman.

You also need to put it into consideration that he married your mom a year after his first wife died.
I guess it's his pattern. There are people that just need that companionship or emotional bond filled up quickly otherwise they lose their minds.
Notwithstanding, the new candidate does not appear to be genuine. Did you show your dad the texts though?

Where did I stop?

TV01:
Me fight against feminism !

The "gender-equality" stance of feminism, is no less controlling then the "Patriarchy" they claim to be fighting. Social morés were agreed and enforced by both men and women. And men were for the most part chivalrous and protective towards women.

At best, "gender equality" - especially the way feminism articulates it - is a consideration, not the main driver of policy. Doing that presents odd notions such as over/under representation. This flags differences in strengths and choices as "issues", and demands false solutions (re-engineering)

All feminists want is to ensure that a wierd kind of sameness prevails, but yet be the ones who dictate what is permissable. All that has done is create an atmosphere of confusion and bewilderment - for men and women.

Privilege ! I laugh - with that comes great responsibility. Which is another way feminism gets it glaringly wrong. They seek what they percieve to be the power and privilege, but actively reject the burden and responsibility.

I am, I would imagine, typical of many men. I work and sacrifice to provide for my wife and children. I carry a burden she does not want, but appreciate she does things I cannot do. A harmonius whole. Not both demanding to do the same things or half of everything

Feminsim will eat itself


TV

Naa gender equality is not seeking to impose itself on the other gender. That is you 'patriarchs' mode of operation . Gender equality recognizes our biological difference but that women’s and men’s rights, responsibilities and opportunities will not depend on whether they are born male or female. A man can now aspire to be a cook, a nurse, a hair dresser without being discriminated against.
Also because you Patriarchs took the piss by bastardizing the powers you had, that is why Feminism is here to stay as a check and balance system before you people take us back to the days of boys study science, women study home economics. Not under my watch.