₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Ebony-Silk link=topic=254607.msg3657232#msg3657232 date=1238285724]Don't give too much of your life away on this forum, top up.
You're telling toomuch [/quote][color=#008855]HAHA! It seems that's one of the best pieces of advice I've received so far.

You know what though, I can't talk to my friends about it either. They hate men, and the instant response is; "Get over it."
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C2H5OH:
If you want to hear what I have to say, I think you're putting too much effort into trying to keep a relationship with your boy.  Even though you claim that's how you are.  You need to cut him of completely, in your heart, as a boyfriend and even as a friend or facebook buddy.  For the sake of your sanity you cannot be friends. You can't sit on your computer desk with your arms folded obsessing over his status messages on facebook or watching him upload pictures with new girls, watching him have fun with the boys. You will sit there moping, wanting what you can't have.  It will only serve as fuel to make you look back on your past relationship.  Friendship with him right now is not a good thing because you are not completely over him.  Give your heart time to fully heal.  Please  

[color=#008855]Lol, I understand completely. I'm not doing any of those. I think I might have risked it by introducing him into my life again so soon and hence slowing the recovery process, but nonetheless I am still recovering, and I was doing so good. He managed to make me feel bad for ignoring him despite his contact for three months. There's a lot more that's happened in between that I left off Nairaland because I was over it, it's just that his birthday is coming, and I want to find the perfect act that doesn't mean anything and can't be faulted if you know what I mean. By the way, there is no relationship between me and him.

As I was writing the topic earlier, I actually wanted to block him from my Facebook, I don't go on his profile and haven't been on in 2 weeks, and before that week, I hadn't been for 2 months (I've been too busy).

I'm not asking for Nairalanders to cut me some slack, I'd rather they just understand me, and my reasons before they judge.

I feel like taking your blind advice because you've been reasonable to me on this thread, and I feel like cutting him off. But what happens on that day when I stumble on his name, I don't want to be shocked. Now, I see his status on my homepage, every now and then, and I don't even stop to read it (apart from a week ago, that I had holidays and was really bored and was reading everybody's and commenting on everything ).
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bluespice:
guys quit being hard on her
not many can move on that fast
granted she's lingering a whole lot longer than usual well, thats cos she's still single
n very much aware ( i mean she still seems him maybe not physically but on facebook) of this ex

on those calling me topup naw
not about to start posting in colours
love me some black anyday

just kidding yeah i like talking on relationships
just dont do it often



its more fun to make noise honestly


topup look its very very okay to be 'un-nice'
im in my second yr in college n i can tell u the 'nice' girls dont have as much fun as the 'un-nice'
dont get me wrong they r nice just that u have to be worthy of their 'niceness'
the less u spread urself out in the aim to be 'nice'm
the more 'niceness' u have to share with those that actually deserve it


sorry for the many nice_s

tope ill go soft on u if ur not carefull!

[color=#008855]I am in university, I am working on sustaining my current relationships, and less about being mis-popular. I know how my mother is, and I know all her family and friends think the world of her, I believe I am so much like her, but as a child I hated the way she gave so freely and viewed her as a punching bag. Well, she's still standing, and after raising us and being with her all this time, I've realised that she's stronger than I ever imagined. I think for now, I'll continue being myself, that should sort out this nice/not nice person. Bluespice, I live in the UK, and people are supposedly much nicer here, lol we all have seen the dramatisations of American colleges and highschools, and good luck to you sister!!


I am not trying to focus on appearing as if I'm moving on fast, but more on the issues. I need to understand why I linger over these things, and the funny thing is I'm lingering to find out why I linger.

Because I have not given into peer pressure, I am not declaring immunity over my emotions, like most people would want me to. We claim to want to be there for other people, but really it is apparent to me, that there is a cut-off point.

I am not asking you, why any guy in my past has left me, or what I should do to get him back. I am merely trying to cover my tracks, cos the first people to point and say I told you so, would be the people around me, who could have adviced me. I am not too proud to say 'guys what do you think', but I am starting to believe that that is an issue, here. I should reach an age, where I am self-sufficient and I do as I say, and cut off external input.

That's my problem, I'm looking for advice, always on this forum, and people have heard enough.

I get it now.
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agabaI23:
you asked a similar question last year.

Topup what did you do last year?

davidylan:
i thot i was the only one to notice. Next yr she'll ask what to do about the anniversary of their break-up.

[color=#008855]Lol, you guys obviously didn't do enough work to cover your tracks, because that research has F-L-A-W-E-D written all over it.

1. I was going out with him this time last year & on his birthday.
2. I haven't been on Nairaland for a full year yet.
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davidylan:
errr sorry if that sounded rude but hijack your thread? Certainly not. Merely passing by and wondering why you seem to obsess the same guy every waking minute u're on this board.[color=#008855]That's not true, I have over 1400 responses, and I doubt that all 1400 let alone even 1000 of  them are about him. You're just being unfair. Obviously you don't remember the months in between I said nothing, nor do you remember me not being on Nairaland for a whole 2 months or so.
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Sorry, seems you want mushy responses rather than hard cold facts.[color=#008855] If I wanted that I know how to ask for it, and I wouldn't be arguing against it when you write pitying responses.
[/color] Yeah he's ur most recent and ur ex, the way you say it one would think no one else had every been in a relationship before. We've all been there several times over, i get the feeling this is ur first EVER so it sounds like such a huge deal to you. If he's ur ex either ignore his birthday or say hi to him, frankly i think more than half the threads on the romance boards are totally unecessary. [color=#008855]I think I can read between the lines on this last sentence. David, wow! Thanks!! - Oh yes, before you take that to be a desperate plea for Nairalanders to gang up on you and support me instead, you better think twice. I think it starts going crazy when people who don't know you act like they do. You obviously don't know what my personality is like. I am in tears right now obviously!! Psh!! Whatever!!
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perhaps replies arent forthcoming on ur threads because its just the same thing over and over and over again with slight differences in words used. Get over urself.[color=#008855] Someone's feeling bitchy tonight!!
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[color=#008855]I don't mind if you hijack my thread, nobody likes being pitied and awwed like that - that's all.
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bluespice:
i used to be like u
okay deep deeeeeeep down maybe i still am - i highly doubt this tho
but u see knowing that not everyone can like me (and i absolutely love this as i really couldnt care less about those that hate me),
opened a new horizon in the relating with people field
u can't like everyone thats a fact
neither can every one like u
u cant please everyone neither can everyone please u

i know this is off topic but if u have the time get the book Fountain Head by Ayn Rand
she' very popular on her beliefs of selfishness
dont be scared lol its one of the books that's left an indelible mark in my very short life

okay back to the topic
since we've accepted that u cant please everyone, u should give urself the lee-way to act semi-human for some time
try to forget things
ur ex's birthday for one seriously forgetting the name of a back stabbing friend after a period of time is perfectly normal
_{hell i even forget names of people i see on a daily basis thats intentional tho}

but u need to cut urself some slack
i think we need to work on that conscience of urs thats always in over-drive

[color=#008855]Haha, then you would be un-doing all my mother's hard work. Thanks for the advice.

I went through the whole toughen up phase, but you know what? A lot of people come up to me now that I'm back to softie, that I am one of the nicest people they've ever met, leaving a good impression is a great thing to me.

I think it wasn't just the fact that people disliked me, it's one thing to dislike me because I did something to you that was mean, or for the fact that you're envious of me (both I am okay with accepting) - but when there's really no reason.
I've learnt to find out that the latter usually boils down to jealousy.

I went through rubbish in highschool like many people, and I had to constantly justify why I wasn't what the media portrayed as the hoe, or the criminal, or dumb- black porn-star-ghetto-looking-ghetto-talking-b****-down-the-street-with-7-baby-daddys.

It wasn't easy, one step out of line and I felt like I did 'my people' a diservice.
I think I have to stop letting the world's generalization get to me.

Being overly nice, won't stop anybody who's going to hate me, stop hating, they may even hate me more, which hurts more.

Nonetheless, I'll try and search for the book, but I'm scared I'll turn into something I hate. I am naturally really nice, but being overly conscious of appearing nice, is another issue.
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bluespice:
lol i bet u didnt read it

[color=#008855]As long as the person in need reads it, that's all that matters to me.
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bluespice:
gurl ive followed ur topics albeit silently most times
n this just proves ur head might be over him but ur heart is definitely not
dont get me wrong i know ur no longer in love with him neither do u want him back
but ur not over ur feelings for him

u have him as a friend on facebook
a simple 'happy birthday' will suffice
it will most definitely be lost among the throngs of messages he'll recieve that day
u'lld have satisfied ur conscience that way
a text will only seem to make ur message more personal - u dont want to do that just now



that said, its not obligatory in any of the books to wish an ex a happy birthday
worse if the ex treated u like crap before attaining that title - 'ex'

[color=#008855]Thanks for the advice, but do we really need technicalities lol. My head, my heart, am I over or am I not. (Lol, I appreciate every word - I'm just being difficult),

I think that we need to know the type of person I am before we can judge whether I'm over anybody (dang this topic is turning to be about me AGAIN!! grr).

Let me give you a little piece of insight. I am the girl, that once used to hang around with a bitchy set of girls in highschool, who used to bully a friend of mine. I would beg the friend to have patience and understand that I couldn't stop them, but eventually she turned on me and stopped speaking to me and I didn't understand why, I left it.

3 years later, I would see her name on myspace and my guilty conscience would dig at me, can we explain why I would feel guilty, despite not once making a dig at her? Why should I let her feelings affect me?? Just because she took the fact that she was bullied out on me why did I feel bad??
Well if you knew topup, and her background, you'd know about her weak heart.

I spent a good few months stalking her- YES!!, trying to find out the chances of re-conciliation, trying to understand the girl she had become over the years and how to approach her, at which I found a blog, where she poured her heart and soul out, she told of how her mother beat her (lol, yeah she wasn't raised in Nigeria).

Anyways, I finally plucked the courage and wrote a private message.
"I don't know if you remember this, but , I'm, so sorry for anything I could have done or not being there for you."

The girl replied, "AND? Am I supposed to care? I got over it pretty quickly."

The ordinary person might have felt their ego crushed, being the bigger person, contacting and apologising and being rejected in a way, but not me, I felt happier, RELIEFED. I could live my life knowing that I had done NOTHING wrong. If anyone had to analyse our crisis, the finger would not be pointed at me. I explained this to people, and they didn't understand. (Truth is that when I realised that she hadn't really let go of the grudge and we weren't friends again, I tried to figure out how to force something, how to re-concile. It was through confiding with my sister that I realised that I can't always make people like me. Some people will hate you even when there is no reason to, because their reasons are personal to them.)

I thought I left this complex behind but it is obviously still very much alive.

I rarely argue with my friends, and if I do, I always apologise. I just can't stand people hating me - I'm a lovely person LOL!!

That is why I often try and do all the right things, should I message him/her or not, should I call, send gifts? I can't take the guilt that is associated with being the one to blame for any failed relationships.

There you go Nairalanders, I let you into a little part of my life.
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[color=#008855]To the poster:

Man I hope I wasn't like that?? Nope - I definitely wasn't, as I began to trust my boyfriend more and more, I began to open up and be more myself, I felt I could express my truest opinions.

Okay, the girl you're thinking of could be either; a) bland, or b) very timid to express herself, so she doesn't want to say anything unplanned, so she tays quiet.

Instead of telling her to express herself, you could start expressing yourself more, once she sees what a freak (not the sex type lol) you are, she too will feel comfortable to express herself.

Knowing a lot about her helps too, because I have had friends make jokes about asian people, yet I love their culture, so I rarely talk about it when I'm around them, upon asking, they would soon find out that somewhere along the line, they had insulted something that means a lot to me and intimidated me from opening up about that particular side of my life.

I hope that helped.
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[color=#008855]Ok, this girl has had her fun and now she's bored of those guys, she either wants what's good for her (a guy who loves(d) her whole-heartedly) or she wants some fun with a more challenging person.

I'm guessing it's been years since the two of you spoke and this distance has worked wonderfully for you, I'm SO happy for you that you are over her.

Well, it seems you really don't want to risk breaking your heart again, even if she has changed, and I kinda agree with you (despite not knowing whether this girl's intentions are genuine).

She definitely wants you back as a boyfriend, and she probably believes she still has you under her finger - but she doesn't right?

I think you need to let her know the truth, the harsh truth, and if she still doesn't believe that you will never fall for her, you can give her an ultimatum, that you either be distant friends or no friends. When she starts talking about kissing you and all the other things, then you need to know that she is breaking that barrier, and it's dangerous territory.

She knew what she was doing when she left you for another guy and ignored your pleas. You even had to change location, but you're now in a good place in life.

Another issue that I wish to address is you complete distrust of women.

If you as a guy had a sister who's boyfriend broke her heart into pieces, would you encourage her to stay off men forever? To never trust another man - even you?

We can't use one person to represent the whole world, don't you hate it when black people are generalised??

One black person commits a crime and we are all treated as if we all committed that crime.

You're going to let that girl who hurt you years ago affect a future which could be filled with love. I'm not talking about Hollywood love, but true love, trusting working together - yes arguing together BUT staying together and the immense SUPPORT, spiritual, emotional, and physical.
Please think about it.

From families and marriages around her, my sister doesn't believe she'll get married.
I have a friend who has had bad experiences with guys in the past, so she's decided to join a convent.

Let our reasons be sincere and not merely our response to when life messes us up. The truth is life has messed everyone of us up (and maybe your ex-girlfriend - because she has missed the best thing that could happen to her in the form of a man).

Take care & God Bless.
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davidylan:
what is it with topup and this her bf? Wont she ever quit and leave the guy in peace?

[color=#008855]That's quite rude. I wrote this topic, but due to the lack of replies, I'm trying to speak about it using examples that I know of , throughout the whole topic, I'm asking others to come out and just a reply, their outlook.

I can't help but talk about him, but he's not my only ex, he's just my most recent. I don't see what's wrong with that. I make other posts too, but these are the ones you decide to hi-jack!!

Tsk tsk!!
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DeReloaded:
topup, I dont get your comment

I said frakly for your sake I hope he stops at just "Thanks" so you wont be tempted to get into long convos and such which will only make things worse

[color=#008855]I'm not in love with him, though I understand what you're trying to say. I'm not trying to lure him into a relationship through conversation.

Yeah, I guess I agree, if he says; 'thanks' I won't have to deal with anything.

I'm still sticking with the Facebook message.

By the way, what do you do on the birthdays of your ex(s)?
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[color=#008855]It's good to come to an agreement

I wonder what most people do for their exs.

I have a friend whose ex will always call her on her birthday and she just texts him. It's the way it played out, he disappeared on her, and when she broke up with him, he was deeply hurt. He makes sure to send her a sweet text everytime, so you can see how different people handle things differently.
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C2H5OH:
Tell your heart to shut the mess up. The heart usually takes a lot longer to heal after a break up.
I think you should do what you think is logically appropriate to you.

[color=#008855]Logically, I shouldn't text him at all.

I'm not going with my heart, or logic, I'm trying to achieve something that doesn't exist. How am I going to be sure that I won't regret going with my logic?? I don't love him, so my heart is not in it that way. But if you know me (which I understand is quite unrealistic over Nairaland), you would know that I find it very difficult to do spiteful things, my conscience works overtime. I know what's best for me, and I have killed all hope of us getting back together.

However, I can't bring myself to do things for the sake of revenge. Any of my other friends would get a Facebook message, and that was what I had in mind.

What would be the benefit of ignoring his birthday to me?

It would simply start the whole cycle of ignoring him and he ignoring me. I think I need to make it clear that we have facebook, and are friends. I wish that I had never added him now, through facebook it's a lot more difficult to ignore people, and with birthday reminders, the implications of forgetting a person's birthday is even greater.
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DeReloaded:
Only a female will think that deep about a text, Im sure he'll reply wth "Thanks" and that will be that or maybe a "Thanks. Hope you're good. ". Frankly for your sake I hope its just "Thanks"

[color=#008855]Lol, sorry, but you're the one outlining a whole strategy for purposefully delaying the birthday text. If someone you think is still into you, texts you the day after your birthday, depending on your ego, you will think that they really did not want to forget wishing you happy birthday, and that would translate to mean that they still have you in mind.

I'm not planning nay strategies, I opened this topic, to see how most people would deal with this issue.
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tiniyata:
Birthdays are meant to be remembered by ur family members,friends or lovers.But if he doesn't fall within d category,then let him be,but if u still consider him as a friend,then there is need for u to wish him happy b'day.U can get him a happy birthday card or just send him an ordinary text with no strings attached,else everything u do will be translated wrongly,cos he might feel u still miss him,n [b]if he's a bad guy he might send u a very bad text message lik, 'i thought i was done with u' or 'pls my girlfriend dont like this' or even 'dont u have better things to do' and trust me,this would hurt more than the initial [/b]heartbreak n u wouldn't want to experience such again

[color=#008855]Assuming that I still want to get him back, this would hurt me, but instead this would give me a reason to dislike him, right now all the feelings of hate or strong dislike and pain have vanished, and I can no longer pinpoint why I should be mean or insensitive.

I am not saying my text will make his day, or even that I will text.

I think if he told me to get lost, that would be great.

I have told this story to my friends and I have got the typical 'you are holding a grudge, you are obviously not over him.' but then when I say 'I might text.' others say 'Why are you giving him all this attention?'

I think I need to listen to myself, but it's hard sometimes, friends always feel to comment and say 'I told you so.' or 'If you had asked me, I could have told you that was coming.'

In all honesty, they are as clueless as I am about the person I'm dealing with.

A simple text will do.
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[color=#008855]However, if you send it the day after, it will seem intentional, cos if you didn't care enough to remember, why do you care enough to send a late message, most people just forget about it, once you've forgotten a distant friend's birthday, you wait 'til the next year.

It'll seem like a game, I'm tired of games!!
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DeReloaded:
If you must contact, let it be a quick text nd make sure its LATE.

would be better day after sed "Happy Belated Birthday". the end.

[color=#008855]I like it I like it,
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DeReloaded:
If you must contact, let it be a quick text nd make sure its LATE.

would be better day after sed "Happy Belated Birthday". the end.

Hahaha, is that what your technique is??

I'm guessing you don't like your exs, cos if I got that text it would either piss me off or I would just not be phased by it and ignore it (and would not respond) ??

C2H5OH:
I don't know if the old saying applies, dear, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Your ex is stuck in a routine of having drinks or nights out with the boys. It is convenient for him and he is not ready to change that about himself. Do not wait up for him. He might have thought he was ready to turn a new leaf in his life to settle down with you, but he thought wrong. It sucks when you feel like you went out on a limb to put yourself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it. You invested so much time and effort in your relationship for your partner who doesn't really appear to care as much. You are left wondering if it's all your fault, you keep questioning how it went wrong or what you did to chase this person away.

[color=#008855]I'm not sure if that is your generic advice, BUT THANK GOD FOR YOU!! It's like you're on the inside of my head (and I hope it's not because we agree). You must have paid attention to all those posts *shakes head* I posted agesss ago.

I'm still friends with all my exs, (including the most recent), the other ones are cool people, understanding and I would call any of them (except some I would just Facebook).

BUT - this one is a toughie, I think I will just do whatever comes on the day. I hope I'm not feeling hormonal though when the time comes.
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C2H5OH:
Did you say EX? Pssht. . . just call out of the goodness of your heart to say a happy birthday. If the break up was awful and neither of you have strived to bother maintaining contact, forget him or her.

[color=#008855]It's actually not a tough decision, but I struggle between what my heart wants to do and what I know I deserve. I know that I deserve to move on and this person who STILL fails to realise the hurt should somehow be indebted to me. All these stories on Nairaland have got me thinking things, reading about guys who are remorseful about that ONE pleasant girl they did wrong, THAT WAS ME!!

Anyways, I want to call and wish him happy birthday, friends tell me no, I know I shouldn't feed his ego (he's always professing how awesome he is on Facebook status, and bragging about his pulling power),

I think it'll mean something to him, but I don't ower him.

To clarify, this topic is not about gifts, but actions.

Will you act on his birthday or just ignore it??
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[color=#008855]This is a VERY good topic.

The worst thing??

- Tell me he's in love with me, then tell me 3 days later that 'we're nothing but friends'.

I'm not looking for any evidence whether he cheated or not, BUT he was very very sexually frustrated is my guess. Then later he confessed to my closest friend that he was a compulsive cheater.
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[color=#008855]That is why I have always prized myself with my level head. Sometimes I'm too analytical, but it's all in a desperate attempt to minimise the chances of regret.

Despite being heartbroken, I knew there would be a day I would be able to say his name again without being emotional, I refused to cut all ties (also I become very nostalgic at times too - reminising the past). I agreed to be friends, knowing that I would be in pain, but in the end I would learn a lot more about myself - AND I have!!

I never understood how love could turn to hate, I rarely tell people I don't love, that I love them, in fact I never told the ex that I loved him, and yet I was still unable to fathom extreme hate. Even in my moments of extreme anger, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him or banish him.

I don't know if that's good or bad though.
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[color=#008855]P.s. I can't seem to edit any of my posts . This topic was supposed to be a poll, and when I go 'back', it creates a new reply/topic.
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[color=#008855]
That's nice, I always never understood how ex's can be enemies, maybe distant friends, but enemies, that's another topic in itself.[/color]

That's nice, I always never understood how ex's can be enemies, maybe distant friends, but enemies, that's another topic in itself.

[color=#008855]Is there any way you can find out what's been affecting her lately, is she busy these days making preparations for the wedding, is there an issue she has been trying to bring up, or something both of you can't decide on?

If you answered 'no' to all the above, then maybe you need to take the incentive, not just call her, but do some out of the ordinary things to make her realise why she's with you. Do some purposefully romantic things, and she should be perked. If she feels you're complacent, she could easily become it too, especially if she's always been the one to spice up the relationship, like you mentioned.

It's all supposed to be 50:50, it seems now you're compensating for her lack of effort.

Maybe a talk is in need.
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[color=#008855]
So you're ex-girlfriend/boyfriend's birthday is approaching, what are you going to do??
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[color=#008855]?
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So you're ex-girlfriend/boyfriend's birthday is approaching, what are you going to do??

[color=#008855]It's not your fault that she got hurt, she's probably really sensitive and sometimes we can't help people getting hurt. She really has no one to blame but she went along to try and blame you anyways.

Don't worry too much, just maintain that you never meant to hurt her and be there for her if she needs to talk about it or return as a friend. I think it's just her pride that's hurt at the moment, and to heal that pain, all she needs to do is to suck it in.
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