₦airaland Forum

bcblazer:
But dude, seriously what do you know about women? Or you came so cats would say you also got game like they aint got eyes?
You better back off this thread before some verbal bullets rain on you just as my dollars rain on dem chicks!!!

[color=#008855]Why are you attacking everyone?? I would understand if you were giving some people just what they're giving you, but it seems that you're just lashing at everyone present on this topic.  
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[color=#008855]1. Women are seen to be more emotional than men who are on the other hand more rational than women.
2. Women tend to be blamed when a marriage goes wrong, so they have more to lose, so they stay.
3. A woman's ego is 'supposed to be below a man's, so the rubbish that he couldn't possibly take, a woman might be expected to just accept.
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ChuckWoody:
Ifeleke, only thing I'd say is Tai's philosphosies can't be used willy nilly for both men and women in all situations.
topup is obviously someone who considers all eventualities and it would seem as although she's weighing up whether she should jump in, her gut instinct is telling her otherwise.

I have also suggested she jump in but something tells me she doesn't really agree with that culture she sees at Uni.

But if it's fun she's looking for then, yeah, Tai Solarin's words fit the bill!

[color=#008855]You're completely right about the part I have highlighted in bold.

I'm not JUST looking for fun, I'm looking for something that I won't regret and will last , or at least teach me something.
Last time I looked for fun and thought I was in control, the whole thing blew up in my face - but sometimes stupid things like that happen.
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bcblazer:
No need to tell me you are smart--I know from afar people who are smart. You are pretty smart.

Now to business. You are calling my lifestyle an infidel one-- Were you climbing your supercilious
horse when you thought of this? Don't be abusive.

If we could meet in real life and you said all this to me, I'd have surprised you immensely. You'll see yourself
moaning between my sheets before you know it. [/b]So your lifestyle is the holiest? Extend your horizons, girl.
[b]Save the B word for next time you derail.

[color=#008855]Now before you go and insult me, I think a simple check using an online translator would have helped.
I did not use the word 'infidel' but instead 'infidelity'.

in·fi·del·i·ty  (nf-dl-t)
n. pl. in·fi·del·i·ties
1.
a. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
b. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.

In response to your last sentence; DISAPPOINTED!!
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[color=#008855]I think Olanajim's advice is good

Well, I think yeah, the conversation didn't go smoothly. I mean, the two of you can look back and laugh at how both of you fought like children, and it can turn into a good memory. But, I would personally have loved for you to have been able to walk away from that conversation with her longing to know more, or make more effort to suss you out.

I admire the honesty in whatever happened when you met her, obviously there was intense passion and emotion, because you both got involved in a fight, but it just comes to show that both of you have a lot of anger and resentment towards the other.

From her explanations of why she behaved the way she did, it makes complete sense and sounds very genuine.

I now understand that you broke up with her whilst she was at school, which like you said, you've done time and time before, but who knows maybe because she was at school, she wasn't able to really know for sure whether it was a genuine break up or one of the typical ones.
Now, that's given her a reason for her actions, which initially she didn't have before.

Nevermind, what's done is done, and I sense a little bit of immaturity as well coming from you, when you tell her, you'll see her in heaven. Unless she is to unfortunately perish soon (God forbid), do you really want to hold this grudge for the rest of your life?? I pray that it's just one of those proud statements that people make at breakups.

It's good for both of you to take time out, you need it, and I can't tell you what will happen in the future, she's still young and so are you. Both of you need to pretend the other doesn't exist for the time being, figure out what will actually fill the spaces in your lives, and not try and force each other into them.

All the best and God Bless.
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bcblazer:
Dude, you are the man. You just topped it up, Topup!!!
This is what we call reasonable advice. People were here
throwing rocks at me like they are rock fans!!!

I think I'm ready for a serious relationship. But I'll still be
hitting on girls, of course, not like before and be banging
at my buddie's place without her knowing. It happens
man. [color=#008855]From this, I don't think you're ready.
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Thanks for the advice.

Anymore shall be heartily appreciated, folks!!!

[color=#008855]No wonder you loved your previous relationship. It wasn't really a relationship, it was more like two side attractions or appetisers to your life. You were with one and having sidechicks,

I don't know if you're gonna take my advice, but sincerely, you need to change your mindframe, but I can't force you. You have to choose to change.


Another thing is that, you seem proud to admit that, you can't help but sleep around, hit on ladies etc, 

That is not something to be proud of  
I'm not judging you, I'm trying to give you a flash into the future. Don't be one of those guys who in future wishes he could right all his wrongs and mend all the broken hearts.
I don't know what you've been through, but the way you're going about this is not right.

I'm a decent MORE than decent girl, and I wouldn't go out with you.
Now before you go and insult me - think about it.

Decent means:
-Smart - smart enough to see the truth of your infidelity
-Sensible - enough to stay away from you and know what's good, because it ain't all about the sex
-Responsible - enough to do what's right for me, take care of my emotional well-being, not to date someone who is going to mess up my mind and emotions.

If you feel like you're unable to get the girl you want, you have to reassess yourself. Be the type of guy that a decent girl would want, not pretend to be one, BE ONE.
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[color=#008855]At the original thread poster; then the problem is not with the 'chicks' it's with you. Only you allow into your world what you don't want, only you can control what enters and what leaves.

The answer is simple, you are going to have to work on your fidelity. The more you see women as walking sex-toys, the less you are going to be able to a) control yourself and b) find someone to have a serious relationship.

Anyways, what are your reasons for wanting a serious relationship? Is it your mind that wants one, your body, your soul, because I can tell you I've been in this position before, where the guy convinced himself that what he needed next was a serious relationship, but he soon realised that he wasn't ready for that kind of seriousness.

I'm sure if you genuinely want to find someone special, it will become easier for you - not that you are fighting parts of yourself!!

AND LASTLY - relationships are not easy!!
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[color=#008855]I'm sorry, I've kinda lost track of where I am up to in this saga. My advice is; if the money is an amount that you can afford to let go, as in pocket change or not too financially devastating, I think you should let it go, it could work in your favour, at first he may feel happy that he successfully intimidated you out of asking for your money, but that is not the point.
The point is to clear everything off and start afresh, and this time he's NOT in the painting.
Over-time he'll expect you to come back to ask for the money, the tie you have to him, but you won't and it'll begin to sting that 'She would rather lose the money than speak to me ever again.'

Of course this could backfire, he might be thrilled he got the extra change, but in the long run, it'll benefit you (if the money isn't significant that is). It'll be less stress for you and you can get him out of your life QUICK.

Diva1, I'm almost 100% (~ 92%) over the ex, I re-read my post and I realised that the type of image I portray of my attachment to him is slightly out, I can't ever tell you that I am fully over him, because I don't know what could happen in future that could maybe shock me that I'm not where I thought I was. But, I can tell you, even when I posted that response to you, I was over everything, it's just occassionally friends bring him up or I see him on Facebook, this constant stumbling across him is what is tying me down, and what made it impossible for me to say I am over him. I can tell you now, I have taken some more actions to block contact and delete his memory and it is fabulous!! I know he exists but it doesn't matter to me, it's bad because with forgetting about him, comes forgetting to pray for him, which I have been doing since the breakup - so I guess that's the only negative.

If someone told me never to mention his name or avoid him for a year for a sum of money, I could do it, easily .

Nothing about it is uncontrollable, and I chose to remember and go over the breakup at times (maybe from boredom or stubborness). I have a feeling you'll be completely over your ex probably sooner than I was - I advise maybe talking it out a lot on Nairaland, as these people even if wrong will give you a kick up the backside, and even if you're not in as bad a state as they presume, it gets you thinking, forcing you to take the next step to recovery.

All the best - please keep us informed.
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eyonigger:
clones I am noy after the sex, even though i go like yansh am. topup, guess wat?? She called me yesterday asking if I was gonna be able to come see her cos she is truly leaving tmr (sunday). I agreed coming over around 4pm, bt I was riding down the other street around 2pm, then suddenly saw her, she just walked away saying " Deji I am not looking ok" I called her bt she was quick to walk off, then looked back at me after some few steps away.

I called her ryt away, chanting to her on phone saying " You are so bleeped, you cnt wait to talk to me, tot ur part of going to school was for exposure so u cud stop being shy" cos she is a really shy girl. I tried to again lower her ego by what she does not like to hear, saying she is not as fine as before, her voice trotted as she was telling me how tired she was, n claiming that was the reason for her unusual look. Now today Saturday, I am gonna go see her 2nyt, bt wont feel shyt cos I aint even feel shyt for her nemore, bt still gonna see if things can still work out or not

[color=#008855]Hmmm, maybe you have some feelings for her, maybe you're not in love with her anymore but she definitely still pulls some of your strings from the fact that you were very quick to call her immediately after seeing her on the street.

I have to warn you not to stoop to her level, it's not your job to lower her ego, she did a good job of lowering her pride by watching you despite walking away before. I don't think you should be calling her names or trying to make her feel worthless or below you, because it's not a nice thing to do, though I guess it may be the truth, and it may come as a shock. I think maybe if you felt you wanted to tell her something that will shock her, you could just say she's not the most amazing girl you've seen or in town, stuff that IS true, stuff that will bring her back to hurt. The whole telling her she looks worse than she was before probably won't make an impact because you're still there talking to her and giving her the attention she may want. Right now I don't know what's going on with her, but I know she's probably slightly confused herself, and playing games too.

So, you went to go and see her tonight, I wonder how that went, I hope you maintained your stance, I hope you kept in mind why you are talking to her, and it seems you want her back (since you're seeing if things can work out or not). There's nothing wrong with wanting her back aside from the fact that maybe it won't contribute positively to your relationship.

I hope tonight, you told her bluntly what she was doing and how it impacted you. I hope you did yourself some justice and told her, you won't accept such behaviour as you deserve better, believe you deserve better. I hope she spoke honestly, but if she didn't I hope you picked it up, honesty is exactly what you two need in this relationship, I don't want you coming back to tell us that she is at it again, at her old games.

Anyways, all the best.
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[color=#008855]So Agony Uncle, are you now my husband?? Tehe (couldn't help it!)

Umm, I got a question for you CW.

I want to know whether it's worth keeping an eye out for guys when you're still young (in university). I know a lot of people get engaged or have boyfriends in university BUT a lot of people get screwed around too and messed up by their boyfriends/girlfriends.

Is it smart to just stand back and watch, or is it more advisable to get in there, get your heart broken and move on?

I want to stand back and watch, if there is an astounding guy then I believe he'd probably be able to catch my attention and bring me back into the scene of things anyway. Am I potentially missing 'catches' by standing back, or is this the smart thing to do??

In a time where so much is changing and I am not sure of where I am going in life, shouldn't I figure out what I want first and then maybe switch my focus to love. Distance is inevitable in any long relationship and is waiting until I am settled a better option??[/color]

clones666:
[b]I think I agree on what eyo said regarding her using born again as an excuse. I read part of his post stating that he bought her an ipod, there is every possibility that her friends in school must have given her such advise, cos for the fact that someone in lagos sent someone in owerri an Ipod, they'll probably feel the guy eyo is a mugu, which I think he is not. Girls use this as a form of protection in order to hold a guy down for as long as they want, because they know sex wont be involved or any other form of romancing.
The girl sure knows what she is doing, eyo dnt fall for that crap, she wants to keep you on hold, so you can supply her everything she needs, cos she knows if she gives u sex, u might run away, I am 100% sure her friend have told her that, she might not have had such thought cos she is young, but am quite sure her friends will.
@ your recent post, go and see the chick and read her reactions from the question you speculated yu'll throw at her. I feel your pain, cos am almost in the same category you are in. cheers!![/b]

[color=#008855]I'm not sure if eyo is even thinking about the sex thing, it seemed as if his main problem was with her dishonesty, her games and her complete transformation from the girl he knew and loved before.
If sex is a criteria for him then I don't think I'd be able to sympathise as much.

I agree with him, if he decides to go, he should appear like he is made out of stone, she should not get the impression that you'll melt as soon as you see her - even if she is looking more beautiful than you have ever seen her (cos that's a trick exs use).

I think even if you don't decide to continue communicating with her, answers she gives can give you closure, which is always helpful. All the best
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[color=#008855]I think that was a great post. I'm not sure if those are ALL the reasons, but I definitely found 3 that applied to me.

One thing though is that you can't help a relationship, occuring at the wrong time sometimes, because you don't realise it's the wrong time until when it's ended.
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[color=#008855]With integrity, honesty, patience and care.
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eyonigger:
Topup, Yeaa!! She obviously thinks she's still pulling my strings, and hell naw she aint, cos I lost feelings for her,bt the liking is still there.
Now I hv thought it through n I figured out that, even if I go and see her to talk about this n that bout her transformation n all that, even if she comes up with a genuine excuse, I guess that dnt change the obvious fact that she was playing games with me, and for the fact that a gurl that I have true feelings for could play game for such a long time, things would never be the same even if we try to get things straight. So whats the use of amending things?
Oh my the way she was even talking on phone, be it change of environment or just for the fact that she has now been socially exposed, I really dnt know, voice sounds torn and so mature in tone and expression. Now another thing is, what else does she want from me since she is claiming to be a born again, and I suppose Born Again peeps aren't suppose to be having a relationship before marriage, this is just another confusion here. I appreciate ur intervention topup, u are always there.

[color=#008855]Hmmm, I've just read my last post, and it's SO jumbled, too many thoughts I sometimes don't finish my sentences

Anyways, it depends what you mean about relationships. We can have relationships before marriage, except ones that involve fornication and sexual intercourse. Mind you, if we do fornicate or have sex, we are forgiven if we choose to accept it as a sin and a fault - I'm not sure whether she is fornicating or having the type of relationship that I think you're implying - if she is, it's purely between her and God whether she is trying to repent or not.

With the Biblical terms aside, I think it's great that you're cautious, guards up is a good stance for dealing someone who has hurt you before and might or might not acknowledge it.

I'm trying to understand what you want to achieve her;
- make her regret her actions,
- have her wanting her back,
- eliminating her from your daily life,
- get over her but still maintain a healthy friendship??

As for now, I think what you're doing is good, keep being true to yourself. One thing I will say is that I don't think you can say for sure that there is no hope in your future. I'm guessing that you're single and young, you have so much of your life still left to determine and nothing has been fixed for you, no children or past marriages, who knows what could happen. What's probably making you feel this way is the fact that the cuts are still fresh and the wounds have only just formed. Over time I will guarantee you that the pain will fade, and when you forget why your mad at someone it becomes really hard for you to stay mad at them.

Over time you might meet again and realise both of you have let things go ages ago, and are now much more mature.

I wouldn't be fooled that she's changed, I am tempted to say that it is because she is in the holiday period and back at 'home', some people are heavily influenced by their surroundings and change. Who knows when she returns, she may become that stranger again - that is why I believe it is SO important for you to keep working and maintaining the guarded stance. Make her prove she's worth holding onto - even just as a friend, if she doesn't prove this, there are many other people who will be just that or more to you.
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[color=#008855]Ooooh, does this mean that the RSPCA is over?? Or now it's voting time for the winners?? Lol by the way in the UK the RSPCA is an animal charity .

We're all a bunch of wild animals anyways.

Me, predictable??
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[color=#008855]Hehehe!!
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[color=#008855]Hmmm, you love him a lot, and I think he might be exploiting this, at the worst case, he doesn't care. I know he told you he loved you, and he could love you, but not in the way you want. These are easy things to say especially when you're filled with emotion and a strong like for the person, if he truly loves you, he'll come back to you. I think that will be your answer.

Let us know what happens on Friday. until then think about the talk that needs to come, so you make sure you do justice to yourself and don't let him get away with the 'I'm just confused stuff.'
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[color=#008855]Nice, and of course Yoruba is one of the world's common languages hehehehe!!
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[color=#008855]NEVER!!
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[color=#008855]Everyone does it!! It's fashionable to want that ultra vulumptuous hair that flows and moves. Remember the 70s the afro was in, and even caucasians were getting their hair texturized and permed for curls. A lot of caucasian celebrities do not have their natural hair either, and as African women, we are much more used to manipulating and changing our hair unlike those of other cultures. I currently have twists because I think it's a gift to have a semi-natural looking hairstyle and look pretty too.

Lots of my friends don't like natural hair because they believe they're not 'making the best of themselves'. My congolese friend wears a long black weave all the time and in a strange way, it appears more natural than her short relaxed choppy black hair does.

I have had this issue for ages, my friends pressure me, because of course I look more glamourous with a long flowing weave, but I feel like a sell-out at times. It's my own complex, women who wear weaves don't bother me (as long as it's nicely done and tasteful).


Lastly, almost every guy I've talked to prophesises their theory on NATURAL BEAUTY IS THE BEST, but they are the same guys to chuckle when a girl walks in with her short relaxed *static* hair WHICH ISN'T EVEN NATURAL, or if she's wearing braids, they don't think she's as fashionable as the weave wearing glamour-gal who's stolen all the attention in the room. I know most guys like their girls to wear a modest amount of makeup and to enhance themselves, but I think as soon as they start dating their woman, they're all for the natural, probably because they feel the woman would be 'advertising' what is already taken
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[color=#008855]Well, I make sure I am hair free when I need to be (getting the pins out), and seeing hairy legs on others doesn't bother me, but maybe it would if they left public baring their legs like that.
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[quote author=Ebony-Silk link=topic=255015.msg3676336#msg3676336 date=1238631339]@topup
A traveling luggage bag is not a handbag, just in case you don't know[/quote][color=#008855]lol, a girl's gotta be prepared!! *I wonder what a rapture'kit would look like *
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[color=#008855]If she's changed over time and abuses you on the phone, then she didn't dump you without a reason. You might not know the reason, but there is one.

Okay, responding to the original topic. You want to get over her?? As in you're sure you don't want to attempt to get her back?? If you say yes to both then;

1. Get rid of memorabilia, everything, photos, delete text messages, love messages, emails and more, anything you can look over to remind you of the 'good times'. You don't have to destroy them, you can pack them away or give them to a friend to keep,
2. Join a club (not a cult ) - a gym, a dance group, something interactive,
3. Be scarce, make it difficult for her to see you, and when she sees you be in a great shape, and well-dressed, jealousy from the person who dumped you is a good fuel to getting over someone,
4. Speak to friends who are women about the issue, they'll give you a perspective and knowing you will understand you're point of view,
5. You don't sound like a cry-er but DO IT!! Force some tears out, wipe them off like sweat move on.

If you need more I have more.
I hope they helped.

P.s. NEVER get a rebound girlfriend, because you'll end up in a bigger mess than you are now.
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[color=#008855]Hi, I'm so sad at this situation. I just want to extend a hand. Please don't be too upset.

With this situation there is no one to attack. He's being honest with you, which a lot of people don't even manage.

I know you're not going to like what I'm going to say but what amebo22 said is true, he's saved you a lot of pain. Instead of trying to figure out whether he loves his ex-girlfriend too much to want to continue your relationship, WHILST he's still dragging you along; he's given you a chance to get out whilst you can. Honesty is a rare thing, but a man who's heart belongs entirely with you, is not. Don't lose hope, there's bound to be a man out there who has all the qualities you want and loves you and only you 100%.

You cannot reason with your b/f or ex. You can't force him to get over his ex, and what if truly all the stories he's told you about how lousy his ex was weren't true?? What if she wasn't that bad, or that immaturity had a lot to do with the situation?? I'm making these excuses for him because even I believe that nobody really chooses to go back to something that causes them so much pain. There has to be an element of joy which he obviously feels overrides the underlying pain.

This is what I'm going to advice.

1. You give him a sensible ultimatum, take yourself out of the picture and view a friend in your situation, would you advise her to stay?? Or would you tell her to look for a man who's heart belongs to her?? The latter right?? Give him a date to let you know who he has chosen. I know there is a chance that he could return to you then later leave, but that won't be you're fault, and that is giving this love you claim to have for him a fair shot. Who knows if he's just confused and will come to his sense soon enough?? You have to give him space to decide this though, withdraw yourself from him life. SPACE.

2. In the meantime, decide what you'll do if he decides to be with you, or if he decides to be with his ex. If he decides to be with his ex, count your losses and move on. We are humans, and there is not just ONE person for us, that's Hollywood, in real life, the ideal is to find someone you're compatible with, I don't want to sound like a bore, but sparks DON'T have to fly when you meet him, he could just 'feel' right,  who knows.

3. Realise your worth, turn the tables around, if you told him you couldn't decide who to choose, chances mean that his place is threatened, do you like the idea of feeling replaceable??

I could go on and on. But I'm gonna hold back so I can read what you have to say.

I hope that helped.
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[color=#008855]I think I could handle a long distant relationship, especially one where I know that when it gets too much, I can just end it, and we can meet up and see each other again. However, if there is no certainty if I will see him for years and years then it starts to get scary. I personally don't think at my age that I could commit to someone. However, if we built something strong for years and then their was a long distant element,  I would tolerate it as a hope not to jeopardise the hard work gone into the relationship.

I would not dump someone because of distance unless I wasn't completely into them.

As for the poster, all the best for you two, you have something that is rare, faith and determination in the other human being. I truly hope you two meet soon so plans can be made for marriage and you can join in location.

All the best.
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[color=#008855]I can't keep this inside any longer!!

I'm sorry that I was the perfect girlfriend *teary eyed*

There I said it!! I feel so much better now.
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[color=#008855]Letter to the one I love,
Foldable mirror,
Fingerpainting at age 5,
Tongue scraper,
Clown costume,
Duct tape,
Mustache bleaching kit,
False eyebrows,
HDTV,
Weedwacker,
Tarrot cards,
A corded phone - still connected,
A picture of my lost monkey,
A book of 101 puzzles,
A signed letter to join the convent,
All 40 episodes of Prison break,
and 10 dumbbells 10kg+.


But some days it's;
Bikini wax kit,
Hair bleaching kit,
Exfoliator,
Razor,
Epilator,
Shaving cream,
Shaving mousse,
Shaving gel,
Battery powered bikini trimmer,
Tweezer,
Laser hair treatment kit,
Depilatory cream,
Wax strips,
NADS,
Chopsticks!!
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[color=#008855]The media no longer makes all black people appear un-attractive, but instead are promoting a combination of all the races, lemme break it down;

- Have a gorgeous olive/medium skintone of a meditarranean/ mixed race person,
- Have long lustrous brunette/black hair like an indian person,
- Have a vulumptuous non-forgiving figure with ample bust and bottom like an African woman,
- Have light coloured eyes like a European person.

I don't think the media favours anyone who hasn't some way 'cheated' for their appearance and those who have it natural are lucky to be fashionable.

It's the fact that this type of woman is portrayed as the ideal that gets others believing and agreeing with this - men & women.
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