₦airaland Forum

[color=#008855]**Applaudes the REAL MEN in the thread (who don't cheat and disagree).**
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[color=#008855]I think it's important to sort out who to let into your feelings and who not to, a partner is definitely NOT someone you should keep out, no matter how many times you've been hurt in the past. If you decide to have all the other benefits, you have to deal with the negatives as well, which means, opening up and risking it all, Heck!! It makes you stronger in the process.
Yes, men and women hurt each other equally. SHAME on all the boys and girls who hurt everyone who here is to advise us 'not to love openly' or to 'conceal your true emotion.' I think I even read here that 'not to treat any woman well',

Well, all I'm going to say is that, a good smart and sensible woman will NOT tolerate that, she won't think that you are a good guy deep down inside just protecting yourself, she'll think that you're just like the other wankers who treated her like crap, and it makes you no different from the people you dispise.

He/She will leave and they will become another you. Bitter, crushed and unsure. Maybe they might even post on Nairaland to tell us how her/his ex took them for granted, never showed them affection, etc.

I think everyone's too preoccupied with playing the game. There is NO loser in the game of love, if she moves on, you can also move on and eventually regain the control over your life, no matter the condition she left your heart in. You have to become stronger, not too gullable, not too harsh, because other than relationships, you need this sort of mentality to do life.

Speaking to my ex (whilst I was still dating him), he said the typical story; 'My first girlfriend cheated on me with my friend, so I find it hard trusting anyone. No one knows me, not even my closest friends.' and he looked deeply unhappy, admitting how it had limited him with making close friends and trusting people soon made him realised that sometimes s*** happens!!

He's not the only one to be hurt, as he explained how he protected himself against heartbreak, he began to realise that this barrier was also stopping us from going anywhere, and he let me in. Overwhelmed with emotion we hugged, he cried, and I didn't think any less of him, but guess what-- he was the one to break things off and stab me in the heart (LOL!!) - so should I never love again?

What do you think??
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eyonigger:
topup, I just dnt know what to say, I dnt treat her the way she treats me, ignore is just one major problem that occurs, and she always start it.

[color=#008855]Yes, and it's making you unhappy, the relationship is favoured in her direction and you're not benefitting.

I hate to give people false hope, but another way of looking at this is to make her see your worth, as a great catch.

If you two take time apart, and you actually don't contact her despite her initiating the ignoring, she will notice that she no longer pulls your heart strings (even if that is the case - don't let her know that). This way she will be able to evaluate whether you are worth holding onto or not. If she tries to contact you, you can rest assure that to her you are worth keeping around - for what reasons I cannot say.

In the time you are apart, you can think, and maybe get over this attachment. Being attached to such a person can lead to you doing a lot of things that jeopardise your chances of finding a woman who will truly appreciate you.

Why waste time with her, you are not one of her priorities, whatever she's getting from you is.
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tiniyata:
@stillwater,everybody aint same,some ladies capitalizes on ur weaknesses,n use is as a medium to take advantage of u. Imagine,a lady telling his fiance that even if i cheat on you again,what would u do,u'll only avoid me for sometime and come back beggin me after a week,Imagine!!! [b]Or another lady tellin the husband that 'if u like frown ur face from now till eternity,u cant do anything,cos u have never done anything,u weak man' just because the man always frowns when his wife comes home late from work,when she is supposed to have been back hours earlier,or didn't cook the husbands meal,cos she feels she's too much for her husband and d husband cant talk to her.She fails to realize that the man is just been a gentleman,n wouldn't want to do any nasty thing,but to her,the man is just a weaklin,just because she has so read d mans mind n she knows d man cant hurt a fly.[/b]So u see,i'm not so succeptible

[color=#008855]My response to this reply is that the problem is with the type of woman the man ended up with. Are we advising that the man should become a harsh person because he is with a meaner kind of woman? Or is it that he should have picked a nicer woman. Ok, ok, that's all obviously information and advice from hindsight (after the marriage), but really, if you know the type of person you're dealing with, you can understand how to communicate with them.

Some people don't need words to understand, whilst others do.

In the example above, the woman understands and acknowledges that the man is unhappy (maybe she does not understand why he is frowning at her) - but she acknowledges the fact that he is unhappy. But understanding the reason why he is unhappy is what will make the difference. She may as well believe that he is frowning at her because he does not agree with the idea of having an independent wife which could make her angry as she believes she should have equal rights, equally, the man could believe that she understands that he is unhappy about certain things; like the dinner not being cooked or her coming home late from work, and maybe he believes she is ignoring his subtle warnings, despite knowing the exact cause of his unhappiness. All of these are assumptions which can be cleared with communication and knowing the type of person you are dealing with.

Why should a man feel like he can't speak to his wife because she is being rude? Was this an arranged marriage??

Responding to the individual scenario; I have often seen this before; my mother through desperation to please my father rushes home from work (when he is on holiday) to drop her bags and make food for my dad who has been free at home all day and napping. Of course if she felt too tired to cook and came home to rest and found that her husband had been sat down waiting for her, she may be angry (luckily - my mother has been no less than the perfect housewife AND careerwoman AND mother - with my hand on my heart I say this), and so I believe she has all the right to get mad if my dad was angry at her for coming home from work and keeping him waiting.

Luckily for me, my dad understands this language and he compensates for her, afterall they are in this together, he gets up and makes a meal which they both can enjoy, because he is free and understands that she would do the same for him. That is rare.
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van der jo:
@topup,
i am a man woman,never cheated on ay woman i dated.

Quote from original post: "The second girl was a fromer not we dated that much,like four months[b],i was in a relationship when she approached me for a relationship,i didn't want to make her look stupid,i agreed cuz i was having problems with my gf then,[/b]"

[color=#008855]Wow, that is a new level of desperation.
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[color=#008855]Haha, Seun, I doubt we should look to 2face for dating/relationship advice.

I'm going to spam this topic now, by saying I THINK CHEATING is TERRIBLE.

To poster:

Of course from the perspective of the person in control, it seems ideal, but if your woman was cheating on you, and you loved her dearly, tell me if you would continue to influence it??

I really have no respect for CHEATERS and I haven't found a reason to sympathise with one yet.
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[color=#008855]This guy's good, I wish he was on Nairaland, I have some questions to ask him lol.
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[color=#008855]Thanks

Hopefully the posts people have posted have put a different perspective on the situation and you're able to understand it better.
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neve:
Thanks Topup. . .But even if he comes back i don't consider taking him back. Because i always wanted to move on. . but never got the courage to do so. . . but now I've got the courage. . . am glad i did. . .because i was never happy with him. . .he's done a lot of things to hurt me . . .and i kept tolerating him because i was in love,

Now that i can see more clearly. . .i realize he wasn't worth all the love i gave 2 him. . .I know it won't work out between both of them. . .because he's here and she's in US. .that's like a totally different continent. . . and he's not the distant kinda of person. . .so he's definitely going to cheat on her. I also know he would be back by the time she leaves. . .but then it would be too late.

I've already decided to move on. . .let go of past hurts and just have fun with friends and family. . .at least those who i know care about me so much. . .and they really making it easy for me. . .because ever since i broke up with him. . .i haven't missed him and i find myself growing stronger each passing day. . .I kinda of hold no grudges against him. . .because i know everything happens for a reason and he was never the one for me. . .He only walked out to give a better guy a chance. . .so am all cool.

[color=#008855]It's great to hear you say that. Hopefully you're not just saying what we want to hear. Truly, you must believe that you are not worth so little, but instead much more.

There will be better guys out there and you will NOT end up lonely if it is your heart's desire to find someone to love who loves you too.

That guy needs to learn his lesson, with every woman who lets him get away with this, his behaviour will worsen, just stand your ground, dust your shoulders, he needs to learn the hard way what he has missed. If he doesn't contact you in a day, week, month or year, know that it doesn't mean that you were not worth it, nor does it mean he's happier without you. It can mean a million things, just know that you being without him, has made you available, you can now attain your best.
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shilling:
A little update:

I've written him a rily touching note apologizing to him on FB, so let's see if he responds and what he says, hope it goes well. Thnx 4 ur help guys, I'm finally swallowing my pride

[color=#008855]All the best, if in doubt - go with your heart, if it doesn't go as planned, you'll always have some laughs in future.
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C2H5OH:
I can't cope with women who encourage you to express yourself freely, but get taken aback and turn completely distant when you do. Simon says, once you unsheath your sword to your pana, more often than not, she will ditch you.

[color=#008855]Well, like I said ,there's a difference between expression and emotional wreck.

I had an ex-boyfriend who always cried when he was talking about how he felt for me, I thought that was sweet and it really touched me, I didn't run away, in fact I think he backed away because he could not take the type of man he thought I was forming him into - I wasn't doing anything but accepting him - he told me most women would back away - I didn't and I think that scared him even more lol.

Nope, I'm not that type of girl, I mean what I say. I like a man who can express himself emotionally freely - he doesn't need to cry or serenade me at my balcony in the middle of the night, but he just needs to be able to be straight up with me, when it comes to telling me how he feels.

I don't think that's asking too much!!
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I agree, never compromise the things that matter to you the most i.e. your beliefs, but it's okay to compromise things that will make the other person happy, and are just little things that will make a big difference to them.

I believe that you can never take things too slow in a relationship, and if something or someone seems too good to be true - they probably are.

It's not okay to use past break-ups as an excuse to torment the other person and make them jump through hoops, and it's not a game, if you play it without your heart, only your mind will understand, whilst your heart may be recked and left broken afterwards. .

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stillwater:
What's the discretion all about? Are you James Bond? Such attitude is not good at all. It's more like you're playing games, and shouldn't be taken seriously when it comes to relationships.

[color=#008855]I think some men think that being able to be read shows 'vulnerability'. They think, if a woman can read their mind, then the woman has the advantage and power to manipulate it and alter their behaviour and they are

Okay, let me give you guys an example;

A man pours his heart and soul to a woman, crying over the phone, and soon starts to speed things up in the relationship, claiming to be moving to a deeper level and falling in love. However, as soon as she starts to show signs that she too is moving in the same direction, he becomes dramatically distant to her.

I was phased with this scenario, I can't quite figure out what advice to give this woman, in terms of what the guy's actions are saying or what they really mean. I'm very confused.
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[color=#008855]I can't speak for all women, but I want someone mature enough who can express himself (he doesn't need to be an emotional reck, but I can't cope with mind reading).

Also, it is important for him to be loyal, trustworthy and have deep faith in God.

These were the lessons I learnt from past relationships, I'm not asking for a clone, I'm asking for a reasonable person with good moral and beliefs.
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[color=#008855]You don't have to say a thing, I have always believed that actions speak louder than words.

Your desire to be around her and making more time for her, should show that she's on your mind. As she becomes more comfortable with your presence, you can slowly start to display feelings of affection. This doesn't mean you should lean in for a kiss, it means just hinting, maybe compliment her and just be natural, you really can't go wrong - just don't assume she's on the same wavelength as you.

After monitoring her responses, you can tell her how you feel or ask her on a date (depending on the responses).

What I'm also thinking is that you don't tell her how you feel, you simply observe how she responds. This is because many girls will only agree to date you because you're interested in them, even if their not interested in you - some people just love playing monopoly too much. I'm guessing you don't want to date someone who's not interested in you and will waste your time so, if she doesn't respond positively then it is much safer for you to slow things down and not to put all your eggs in one basket. She's either pre-occupied with some more important business or just not interested in dating you.
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Pataki:
No, she is not expected to play dumb or neither being naive. Every man, has his ego. To some, it is an 'emotional ego', for some others, it is 'financial responsibility ego' which must not be crossed by the woman. A woman has to learn what her man wants when it comes to his emotion and adjust herself within negotiable and reachable limits.

There are men who prefer that, even though you can read my emotions, give me 'SPACE' to sort myself out emotionally. Do not come rubbing it in my face, simply because I give out my emotions easily.

On the other hand, there are men, wherein their ego lies in making their women not being able to read them emotionally. It gives them utmost joy and satisfaction. Should the woman in that case play dumb or naive to the man??

I hope you get my picture more clearer now.

[color=#008855]I think I do. I am most familiar with the second example, when two can play that game, it becomes quite scary for them maybe?? Maybe the man has always had pride knowing that he was mysterious (in fact I heard someone describe themself that way) - saying "I'm the mysterious one." (Even though he was so see-through.)

You can blame me all you want but he was trying to play games with me, and maybe he thought at my age I would be naive. . I've seen most of it all before, so I wasn't phased, and I am very spontaneous, so maybe the ego thing applied there. Also, insisting on paying 50:50, can irritate some men, whilst others appreciate a woman who does her bit. Every man is different, and I don't think it's completely our job to try and understand them, I think it is equally their job to try and help us understand them (unless you come across the type who doesn't want to be understood )
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[color=#008855]Thank God!! In relation to outstrip's testimony.

I always thought mummy's and babys sleep together until the baby is old enough to sleep in his/her own cot. However, how would you know, if your baby was to have a stroke or seizure in the night??

When I have my baby, I want to sleep with him/her but I don't want to roll over and suffocate him/her because I'm sure after running after the baby all day you can enter into a deep sleep??

Luckily for me, I cant' sleep on a lumpy mattress or anything bumpy.
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[color=#008855]Hmmm, a little difficult seeing the clear distinction between the types of guys. If this was not copy and pasted, good effort still.

The guy I want doesn't fit or fulfil any of those things listed. .
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Pataki:
In respect to a man feeling threatened, it is relative. Some men are comfortable with their women understanding and reading them easily as it makes room for less quarrel and hassles, while [b]some men feel a woman reading them/their mind, is a clear interpretation that, they (the man) are weak emotionally. [/b]Therefore, they tend to back-out and become emotionally distant from the woman. [b]Should such a man be blamed and accused of being immature? NO, I don't think so. [/b]However, there is the role a woman should play, once she observes such. As it beholds on her to use utmost discretion, when dancing around the terrains of a man's emotion who feels unsecured at such.

[color=#008855]I would like to know the role a woman should play, if a man starts to back away because he seems to have an ego complex and feels weak because she 'understands him too well' ??

Should she play dumb, or naive??
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[color=#008855]Some parts of the original post are quite funny .
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[color=#008855]This is one of those situations that we'll try to make black and white when it truly is every colour of the rainbow.

I normally would say 'move on' for the fact that he is obviously using you as his back up plan.

But after reading a few influential articles (written by men), I realised that men can make a lot of stupid mistakes, they are human, we are all human. Sometimes you don't see what's best for you, even when it's right in front of you.

He might just be curious, and when he agrees to meet her (and you left) - he may decide to miss the meeting and come and seek you (but it'll be too late).

He might be curious and just making sure he feels nothing for her before he plans to commit wholly to you.

Okay, my mind is changing whilst I'm discussing this, and I have come to the conclusion that you should move on.

Reasons being;

- If he comes back to you, you will always be second choice or there was hesitation which does nothing for your trust and confidence in him in future if you two are to get married;
- What's to stop him doing this when you two are married, he could consider a divorce or a second wife, but maybe changes his mind, but the problem still lies with the fact that he considered it;
- He's warned you that he's considering his ex for marriage, which is a HUGE alarm, that he does not value his current relationship, it seems to me that he is more emotionally attached to his ex, if he cheats on you - he'll always have the excuse of "She must have known, it's obvious I wasn't going to stay. I mean who tells their current girlfriend that they are meeting an ex and considering her for marriage, and she stays with the guy." e.t.c. .

Lastly, where is the self-worth. I commend you on being very level headed, but where is the input from your mind that reminds you that you wouldn't do this to him (list reasons)?? Why do you sell yourself short, is a relationship not 50:50?? Does he make all the decisions now??

Please, do what's best for you. If he values you, he'll come after you with full force and won't have such extreme doubts in his head.
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[color=#008855]I might marry someone who I love more. I always thought that I'd say the other option, but now thinking about it, I know that I can be overwhelming with love and it can tough to match (don't mean to sound like I'm bragging), but yes, I think I could marry someone I love more, but I would prefer to marry someone who loves me more (though I would find it hard to comprehend this). .

Good good question!!
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[color=#008855]I am touched by the lovely post from sistawoman. . hmm hmm hmm
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[color=#008855]I really want to give you my best advice, but I need to air some things first.

1. You need to stop messing around with multiple girls, finish the dishes before you start sweeping the floor (cos you're just gonna leave the kitchen all messy).

Once you've refined yourself, you can now hold your head up high, and with hand on heart, say that you're a good man.

Okay, once you've done that I will say my advice is to;

- Leave BOTH girls, there are warning signs from both,
- Even if you were able to secure one of them, you'd have a life of constant struggle, the first is ridiculously guarded and always calling you a nag, whilst the second is paranoid about your whereabouts and relationships (maybe rightly so),
- If you met any of these girls, whilst you had a boyfriend or whilst you had a girlfriend - then don't be surprised they are acting shady.

People with integrity don't CHEAT on their partners, they end the relationships, and move on with a clean slate.

If they cheated on their partners what's to stop them cheating on YOU?? Are you that special??

Anyways, I think you need to take a break from dating, it shouldn't be this complicated. You need to take a step back and reassess what you're looking for. As a better man, you deserve better and shouldn't settle for this nonesense.

These two ladies are messing you about.

If you don't want to be messed about, you know what to do ^ ^ ^.
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[color=#008855]Right now, it seems she doesn't care about you, not enough to want to be faithful to you, and she doesn't share the same passion for you as you do for her. It's just not balanced.

If you two were together, you'd probably always be compensating for her distance or lack of commitment in the relationship.

You need to learn to start wanting the best for yourself. I am not talking looks or sex appeal, but in general quality of a person, in terms of their manners, the way they compose themselves, their values and beliefs.

For now, I don't think you should pursue her, and the desire you're feeling is only natural - we all want what we can't have, and even more than that, we all want to re-create something we had in the past that may never happen again.

I bet you can only remember the good memories, and not the anger and pain.

Try and balance it out, know that you wouldn't treat her the same.

Seriously, do you want to be with someone who's eyes stray away from yours all too easily?? Can't you see the warning signs??

You deserve better - it's time to put your effort into healing your heart and find things to occupy your time. If she cares even just a little bit, she'll come back, if she cares a lot, she'll be faithful, if she loves you she'll be devoted to you in as many ways as she possibly can.
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[color=#008855]My type of Mr.Right. . ? I can't really say (note my Mr. Right is NOT Mr. Perfect).

I can't really answer this, because I am pretty sure I won't be waiting an additional 20 years because of the fact that I am a very easy-going person, it takes a lot to irritate or annoy me, I am very sure of myself and determined.

I am good at analysing situations and people and in the past year have become much better at finding and identifying traits in guys that would be compatible with me.

I hope that makes sense.
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[color=#008855]Yes, you quit because it is wrong. It endangers your safety, you're wasting time you could be spending finding someone of your own, and also further distabilizing the other guy's relationship.
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[color=#008855]Hell - I'm a Christian, it makes no sense for me to be scared of the others since I know those are changing situations and I can have some control over that, however the last option is by far the worst.
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[color=#008855]Seems to me like you're making yourself suffer.

Someone who loves you, should not cause you so much pain, especially when you've already made it clear that you don't like her ignoring you.

I think you two need to talk, I think stop contacting her for a good while (if she is coming back to Lagos soon - this is perfect timing).

Ignore her and don't wait until she calls you, take control of your life, you don't need to be tied down to any person right now, you can still get away, there are no children, no in laws and all the warning signs are there that this is not a healthy relationship.

Though, we do not know this girl, we know that she is very smart and mature, sometimes people change, and we may not be able to believe that they have but let me tell you; "Actions speak LOUDER than words."

Would you honestly treat her the way she treats you, if you did, what would be the reason, dislike - no more romance or affection?? You'll find your answer as soon as you start being honest with yourself.
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[color=#008855]I have a few thoughts on this issue, a few are telling me that he truly isn't all that wealthy (not as the family seem - and maybe it's all SHAKO),

Then I'm thinking maybe he's only using her because he can get away with it, if it's available - people will try and get their mits on it. So, what he can afford it, he probably gets thrills knowing he's got a woman at his beck and call and that matters more than anything.

If the situation is completely as you described, he is definitely taking her for granted, his intentions on the other hand I have no idea. Why she keeps giving in though, I really don't know, because you don't have to give someone everything you have to show them you love them. No need to feel bad if you withdraw SOME things. He's probably playing with her feelings anyway.

She should hold out on him for sometime and see how he responds, if it doesn't bother him, then that's okay (though he should take it as a sign she has fewer funds and maybe ask questions (because he supposedly cares), but if he does complain, nag, or hint heavily, then he really is taking her for a ride.

Let's be honest with ourselves, is this a picture of love??
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