₦airaland Forum

[color=#008855]Hi everyone

I was thinking about the double standards I see all around me, when I came across an article in a Nigerian magazine;
It states 'the truth is, men know about 1000 less things about finding true love than women do'.

And that women should look out for certain signs, once we see these signs we can figure out how to adjust accordingly so that we don't lose the men in our lives.

What do you think about this??

The article was addressing the very common issue with men becoming distant 'after the honeymoon phase'. It involves the idea that as soon as emotions start being involved they tend to feel very threatened.

Is this response genuine? - or were they never really serious about the woman in the relationship in the first place, so that when she starts to want more emotion, they see it as a sign to run away before things get too deep.

Is it completely genuine that it's only now, that all these revelations occur; "We're not compatible.", "We are more like friends.", "The fact that I'm scared of getting deep means she's not the one."

Do guys really expect women to read them, or is it just a cut-off point that, only mature and experienced men are able to rise above??

The magazine said a lot of the 'running away' was due to immaturity and being scared to open up on a deeper level, it claimed that the most relationship-successful women knew how to talk to their men on the particular man's emotional level.

'You can't expect the man to feel how you feel, you have to explain things to him, as if he knows nothing about the situation, as if he is a third person, that way he can analyse and see the situation for what it truly is' - loosely quoted.

Opinions anyone??
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[color=#008855]Disturbing!!
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[color=#008855]I thought this was well written and straight to the point.

The only thing is the link - which many people won't go on. Nonetheless, good write up.
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kugaba:
let him believe you trust him so much and he'll never want to betray that trust of your upon him. Make him feel suspected and you have given him the ticket to mess around.

[color=#008855]I tried this and it never worked. When it ended, all I got was 'I'll do anything to regain your trust.' - but it didn't stop him from breaking it.
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[color=#008855]Dishonesty and lack of respect.

Dishonesty makes it harder to find where you stand in a relationship and make fair judgements, whilst lack of respect means that you don't get treated the way they would like to be treated, which can lead to cheating, deceit and much more. .
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[color=#008855]You can't force yourself to do something you really don't want to do or feel. Okay, maybe you can pretend but you can't force yourself to feel.

Maybe the fact that they tell you all the negatives and warnings about Nigerian culture is even part of the cause of you becoming even more attracted to it, since we always want to try something dangerous and risk warnings - it's human nature.

My advice is; if you look into Malaysian culture, you will most certainly find something that will intrigue you, learning more about your culture will help you tune into it, you can explain things more, you can begin to understand your people beyond what you see, learn about your history and I really believe it will interest you and so you'll be drawn towards it.

It's okay, to appreciate both cultures and neither has to be taboo, the longer Nigerian or African culture is taboo to you, the more you'll be drawn towards it (I think).
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[color=#008855]Yeah, it went like this:

Girl: I notice we haven't seen each other in a while, can we meet?

Boy: Yeah, whatever.

Girl: Wanna go for a walk in the park?

Boy chuckles, implying the idea is silly.

Girl: Or we could go to the movies.

Boy: I don't really feel like going out. We could go to dinner.

Girl: It's raining and I don't really feel like going to dinner, if you want I can come and pick you up in my car and we can go somewhere random just to relax.

Boy: Hmmm, why don't you just come over and watch movies, (like we did last week and the week before),

Girl: *sighs* Ok, why not.


Boy begins to become even more distant.

Girl: I've cooked some food if you wanna come over, we could hang out.

Boy: I've got a lot of work to do.

Girl: Ok, I understand.

Even more distant.

Girl: Can I come over to see you?

Boy: I'm kinda busy,

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[color=#008855]I'm guessing you guys never sorted things out after the disagreement, what a shame, you two may still be talking.

It's pride that causes you to hold your tongue even though you really want to talk to him.
Who cares if he doesn't miss you (even though he probably does), who cares, why don't you just take things into your control, don't wait for him to call, but instead, you wanna talk to him? Talk to him.

I know that maybe there is more to this story and maybe there are feelings involved in this, but as for now, you need to forget the pride and be the bigger person. If he doesn't speak to you, you can rest assure that you tried your best to reconcile things.

Life is too short to be holding grudges and keeping malice.

Peace.
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[color=#008855]I initially ignored this thread because I don't really care how or why my last relationship ended anymore (since I am still unsure).

However, I checked it and there are SO many women on this - seems we hold things for longer than guys or we are fond of talking about breakups, and guys bottle it all up inside??

Anyways to be respectful to the topic;

It ended because I said the words; "I can't continue to go out with someone who can't commit to me." - since a few days before I asked him why he'd become SO distant and his response was that he didn't think he could commit and then all the excuses followed, which shows me that there really wasn't anything for him to point his finger at that I'd done. I believe there is more to the story, rest assure when I get the information it will be here

I'm doing great though & keeping busy.
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[color=#008855]Can I just say that it's genetic for me!! This topic keeps getting bumped up to the top, and it's frustrating because for a long time I was insecure about something that I couldn't control that people made me feel bad for having.

I am a size 8/10 and my tummy protrudes SO WHAT!! I have the S shape and I am okay with that, most black women aren't built to have a vertically flat and thin tummy (except when skinny), my tummy is toned and so is the rest of me,

If you have a flat toned belly, thank your lucky stars because it's trendy these days, so no one will pick on you!!

Man, there used to be a time when fuller figures were sexy, but now, if you're not a coke bottle (which the last time I checked was a man-made design and NOT God-made), then you're an inproportional person.

I'm SO over it!!
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[color=#008855]At the poster;

Chances are she's gotten over you, when these youths go to uni (as if I'm not one myself ), they change, because their environment changes, maybe she was a humble and committed girl because she had no other option, her parents might have watched over her, or she knew too many mutual friends to be able to get away with screwing you about.

My intuition tells me that she's being distracted; whether it's by another guy or just the hustle and bustle of university life I can't say. All I know is that she has bumped you to the bottom of her priorities and it's sad - because you love her a lot (or so you claim).

My advice is to talk to her, in this talk you should raise the issues of lack of contact and attention, and if she responds concerned with a reasonable excuse then you can rest assure that she is most likely genuine, however if she laughs it off and tells you you're paranoid or makes extravangant promises about how she's going to shower you with love, then be aware that maybe she's just baiting you because she's trying to kill your suspicion.

My suspicion tells me that maybe she likes another guy,

Sorry, but that's what I think.

You deserve better anyways, because girls DUMP guys that they don't like, however they STRING ALONG those who are kind and patient, and keep them as back up, in a way it's flattering because you are too good to lose, but in another way you are not interesting enough (not literally) to maintain.

In a response to crazykid;

I am sad that because of that ONE girl you have now decided to strike out any chances of long distant relationship. Let me introduce myself to you; a hopeless romantic and I am severely GENUINE . I told my boyfriend I wanted to stay despite the distance and I was very willing to make it work, and because he had a bad experience with this in the past, he just left me, the whole thing was messy, at times it made no sense why we broke up, he still wanted to come by to hang out, and he called to see me. Heartbroken I too feel like staying away from long distance relationships, but I just felt it wasn't fair.

I have noticed that these days people aren't willing to love anymore, they want to play the game, they want to win it SO bad that love becomes strategy and chances, the risks are diminshed and replaced by calculations. The beat of the heart is replaced by the tick of the clock, and the clock ticks fast, time doesn't rewind, so if you intend to live your life this way, be careful.

For now my heart was torn and I doubt he can rewind the damage.

Peace & God Bless

(Just some insight for ya's!!)
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olanajim:
Let me begin with Topup, I think you got it wrong, absolutely wrong to think men and women are the same emotionally. This is not the thread to discuss that. We shall trash it in future.

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Yes it is a new thread, however I wish to make myself clear, I was referring to the specific example, in terms of cheating, I believe men and women are more similar than we make out. We make out different excuses as to why men are more likely to cheat instead of admitting we are all human beings and have the ability to control our behaviour, so truly these tendencies needn't always be carried out.

All I am saying is that a human is a human, though men may be proven to have higher levels of testosterone or anything else the scientists say, they are ultimately human beings and 'men', not babies, they are in control of their behaviour and so there is no excuse. I believe it is less frowned upon for men to cheat than a woman to cheat, hence as a growing man, you are familiar with the idea and might even get the sense of 'it's just something that happens or 'we do' '. I know men who have told me straight on "There is NO excuse." and "I would never cheat." and admitted to it being an excuse, because the basics of the rationale lies with; thinking you won't get caught, thinking you'll get away with it (if caught) & thinking it's inevitable.

Okay, these may just be words, but I believe these men are honest and are not beating it round the bush, cheating is an action, it has many phases, it is NOT a reflex. Lastly, I am not commenting on the emotions men or women have, but more on actions. I would agree if I was told that men are emotionally different to women, but I wouldn't agree if someone said that because of that, they can't help certain things.

Men are supposedly more violent than women, and so what?? We should expect them to beat women or each other? Really, is that how it works??
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Diva1:
I believe God is the basis of a true relationship. When you say I can fix the situation. How can I? where do I begin from, from here?

[color=#008855]I have come to learn that too. What you won't do for love, you will do for God (if you truly believe & fear him).
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4 Play:
Nicest member? Have you been lobotomised or something?

[color=#008855]What!! I think she IS nice

Looking forward to reading more votes
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davidylan:
because all along he had someone else.

[color=#008855]This part is very true.

You dedicated yourself to him fully, yet all the time he had a backup plan, he knew your relationship was going to end before it did and you were unsuspecting - hence it shocked you, but he was prepared for the break up, unfair I know.

I don't think it matters if you wish him happy birthday, but the key is indifference, my advice is to treat him like a distant friend. Do you text your distant friends on their birthdays, do you spend hours and days labouring over which words to choose, how to write the message and such?

I don't believe you would. A simple "Happy Birthday. Have a nice day." would do. Nothing that gives away how you are feeling, because I am sure he wouldn't expect a text (and maybe he doesn't deserve one) - that isn't the point though. The point is to be able to let things go slowly. Will you regret not texting him? Will it plague your mind, because I can tell you, I listened a lot to what my friends told me but it was only until when I started doing things my way that the guilty conscience started to fade and I felt in control.

I had to ask them, when to reply, when not to reply, when to be upset, stern e.t.c. They didn't know the guy, but I did.

I know I told you that I am still not fully recovered, but I honestly think that's the way it is until you meet someone new. It's not that I am missing parts of me, it is just that he is my last memory of a relationship, so when I speak of love I can only refer to him, I want to be able to erase him because really I don't think guys like that deserve so much of our memory space

Enjoy your life, you're young and life is too short (like you mentioned) to be letting these things get you down - though sometimes you might need to cry and wallow in self-pity to let the emotions out, but only a short burst, then go back to picking up the pieces to make that beautiful portrait that is you again

Peace & God Bless.
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[color=#008855]This is a wonderful idea!!

Nicest Member: KarmaMod

Classiest Member: Pataki

Member Who Should Post More Often: Seun

Member Who's Most Likely To Be A Good Parent and Lover Now/In The Future: iice

Most Popular Member: davidylan, iice, sistawoman, deepzone,

Most Comedic Member: H202, stillwater

Most Delusional Member: AdamBrody

Biggest Flirt: toyin2000, chamotex

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[color=#008855]Hmm, concerns,

I'm glad I'm not like that,

Maybe what is required is for people to be able to leave the environment for some time, I believe in such a economical environment, people will start to change for money.
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"atleast im yet to be heart boken like you [/b]Undecided [b]all of you that claim you know things about love,end up bein messed up by some guy and d first thing i say to myself is "where has their i-too-know,taken them to? i wonder why u missed highlighting the part where i said "what if she runs away and he happensto be her missing rib?" - amebo no 1

[color=#008855]I believe how to play the game of love is not to focus on winning but instead to learn how to lose gracefully, so that if you ever do lose, you're not shattered because we can't win always (and everyone knows how to be a happy winner). We learn a lot from our loses and if we accept that we will lose some and win some, we enjoy the game more. I have played games (not love games) with people who are too intent on winning, taking the fun and spirit out of the game. Sometimes, they're quite mean in the process and for them the focus is more on the glorys of the win than the joys of playing the game.
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[color=#008855]Short long distant relationships have a better dhance of working.

What I mean by that is that, a long distant relationship which is kept as short as possible has a greater chance of being successful, when we begin to talk about this sort of relationship for years, then it becomes very risky.

I wouldn't advice that any current relationship is cut, but the two people need to be honest with each other, and it's not worth the pain, if the person who lacks trust is open about this, then I am sure a compromise about how much contact and how the relationship will operate during this period would be very sensible.
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[color=#008855]@ lawyer; about the idea of God's way Vs. Biological clock, I believe that they can both apply, I mean who's to say that God didn't plan for you to meet your husband over the internet.

I think this is more of an issue to do with traditional ways Vs. modern, the modern ways are not seen as natural, yet if you were introduced via messenger and a friend to a potential spouse, that would be considered natural,
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[color=#008855]Do you not believe in God, or even Karma? What you are asking for is a dangerous thing and will most probably backfire. Luckily, I don't believe in spells and the power of the Holy Spirit and guided me throughout all of my life.

That's what I call a good 'spell'. The promises from God are truly magnificent and much more potent than any medicine or voodoo.
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debosky:
Sadly that's the way women tend to judge men's actions  - 'if you really loved me you wouldn't do x or y', while men don't tend to process things that same way.

[color=#008855]I disagree with this, I believe men and women are similar, I think it really is that simple.
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[color=#008855]In response to Diva1, I know how you feel, I was there a year ago and have only finally almost recovered, still to this day I actually can only say almost because he still appears in my thoughts rarely and infrequently, but the fact remains that it happens.

I believe in you, I believe you have the strength to make it through, though this sounds easier said than done, still attempt to erase him. He is not on your level and I am so so sure about this, I don't believe you will regret moving on because you actually did nothing wrong and didn't deserve this. Despite what other people are saying about what you could have done, the fact remains that you have been every man's dream (from what you stated in your story), you have been a trusting, forgiving and loving girlfriend - and how many times have we heard the story "My girlfriend nags me, but I'm innocent.", "My girlfriend is paranoid and keeps starting arguments about me cheating though I love her." etc. .

I am sure you did everything you could to try and be the perfect girlfriend and maybe that's the only thing you should work on for the next relationship. I believe that if you work harder on being yourself, then you'll be true to yourself, he shouldn't have left you, you should have left him. Shown him that you don't take crap and in all honesty, if he finds out that he has missed a good thing he WILL come back, but honey, that may never happen.

Hopefully if it ever does, you'll be in a loving relationship with a trustworthy man.

Girl, you need to have a sense of self-worth, you know you would never treat him the way he treated you, and you know how terrible you'd feel if you did such a thing, so why tolerate the excuses and lies. You should be forgiving and understanding but not to the point where all the respect in the relationship diminshes. You see, sometimes in relationships partners test the other, he may have wanted to see if you were a fall-back girl, a back-up girlfriend, who will be there, pining for him, for his return, but you're NOT!!

I REPEAT: The best thing he did was in letting you go. Maybe you can listen to the lyrics in the song; "Love me, leave me." by Kat Deluna and some gospel songs like "Strong Enough" by Stacie Orrico, if you need strength and support. Otherwise just post on this forum.

Now that I look back, I can say in all honesty that I am SO glad that my ex-boyfriend let me go because I have learnt SO much about myself, about people and I have been able to focus my efforts on pleasing myself (and my academics). I'm closer to my mum, as I am no longer doing things that I know she disagrees with and most of all closer to God as there is no competition between a man who tells me his perspective on God's word and God's word. I no longer panic or worry about being the perfect girlfriend and I believe that if I ever end up with an un-appreciative or confused guy that I will be able to get out of the relationship quicker and detect the warning signs.

All the best for you, YOU CAN DO IT!!
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[color=#008855]I can usually handle the truth, but I appear very naive and cute, so often guys approach me with the pretence that I can't handle the truth or they know that I don't tolerate crap. It's the typical story of; "If I had told you . . then you wouldn't have dated me." . . Well duh!! I don't like being tricked!!
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Pataki:
The key to getting and winning her heart if she is still single though, is giving her ATTENTION. Subtle attention, making her laugh anytime you are with her, always be ready to listen to her whenever she talks, and be certain that she will check to know if you are giving her all that attention, always be ready to have an interesting story to kick-start a conversation with her. Take her out as often as you can, and treat her nice.

Within time, you will begin to endear her to you, and she would find her lost flame in you.

[color=#008855]Wow, this advice is spot on as for OP: You didn't want to hurt her. . that's so respectable of you.
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[quote author=amebo no1. link=topic=246489.msg3588201#msg3588201 date=1236904671]dump my ass simply means :leave him ,and u r not the only person encouraging her to leave him

there is no blind love here,like i said the man is not maltreating her,or beating her up,gives her d attention she needs,he is caring i could go on and on and on

telling her to run away is not d best,d thingy here is telling her to str8n things out with the dude,and not running away like some soft puppy

if she loves him and he loves her,then she should work her way into his heart

running away,like seriously what if she runs away from him and he happens to be her missing rib,how do u think shes going to end up?you think thats the best?

i will not encourage her to run away until she has spoken to the guy,communication is important if not alot of wives will run away from their marriages at d slightest doubt or sthg[/quote][color=#008855]Obviously you would stay in a relationship where the other person has told you he loves someone else. .

That much is clear.
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[color=#008855]Hi there, I know how you feel, but really I think that's your intuition and it's most probably right, maybe you need to discuss what he means by 'love' , like the love for a sister because even the whole female best friend thing doesn't sit well with me.

I actually believe that if his ex came back he would take her back in a hurry because he still misses her, is fond of her and reminises regularly about her. . right? It isn't fair to leave a guy just because of this, but when it is clear that he doesn't want to move on, and that you're not even a rebound but more of a temporary fix I think you should move on, but only when this much is clear, it all depends on when he ended the relationship and how often he talks about it.

Honestly, I think he may even think his honesty gives him more freedom and he may in future say the words 'It's not as if I didn't warn you.', you have to be careful, go with your heart but don't ingore your brain, you're obviously smart as you've picked up the warning signs of this relationship.

If he's mature, talk it through, but if he is obviously not going to let the past lie in the past, find a man who you won't have to share.
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[color=#008855]Well, he's obviously in the wrong and doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth, instead he's making it seem like your fault, you went snooping because you could not trust him and rightly so since he had betrayed you before. I think he was just looking for an excuse to dump you, sorry, but he claims that the relationship failed because of your snooping and disrespecting, however, he completely neglected to focus on the fact that he disrespected you first and three times, by cheating on you, then ignoring you and then having another girlfriend.

Him letting you go may have been the best thing that could have happened in your relationship. Get a better guy, there are many many good guys out there!!

Hmpf!! 3 years and he still had the nerves to play games!
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[color=#008855]Beautiful pictures frijos, I think everyone looks great including 'cuddly little buddy', but are you intending to make wifey a wife? (Man! I'm so nosey )
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[color=#008855]Thanks for that well explained piece of text

I think that girl (A) should leave the guy because;

- She is not his first choice, (he may have gone out with her first, but he has made it clear that girl (B) would have been his preferred choice if only she was willing earlier)

- He does not have the guts to end the relationship (this will wear out girl (A), sometimes you can try and love someone, but if they don't love you back or love someone else, it starts to really make you question the genuinity of what you had in the first place, why not just take your stuff and pack it with another guy who is going to appreciate the kind of woman she is?)

- Even if he decides to leave girl (B), he has already lost the trust from girl (A).

Though girl (A) loves the guy, she must realise that love alone will not work, this type of relationship does not benefit from non-mutual love.
It's a shame that he lead her on in the first place, I highly doubt that the guy truly loved girl (A) from the very beginining, no girl should settle as a consolation prize, even if he does return.

But saying this, I know life is not simple, so try and use wisdom and heart, let your heart guide you but don't let it drag you down in to a bottomless pit.

All the best for girl (A).
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