₦airaland Forum

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biolabee: before i say yes or no
why dont u put specific themes we can discuss then we thrash it one by one

imo, ur post is vague

You should have gone to spec savers:

This isn't a religous topic per say, but rather how religion interacts with everyday issues, e.g marriages, work, family, tribal, inter country and inter continent etc.

It's being a burning point on mind; but I feel religion has a lot to blame for most issues in the World today.

I am a Christian married to a muslim, but above these a realist! I feel the Bible, koran etc needs to be updated for the world today, and then constantly updated as life goes on. I think it is archaic applying laws from a few books written some 3000 years ago, to now. Especially as many are left to draw different conclusions depending on what views they choose to see. I don't want to believe that any God's aim is to confuse and cause chaos, but unfortunately these are some of the products of religion as it were.

This isn't a religous topic per say, but rather how religion interacts with everyday issues, e.g marriages, work, family, tribal, inter country and inter continent etc.

I'm signing off work now, and would be back with more my views and reasons why. But I would love to hear and feel from others also.

damiso: [/b]

@bolded is why I would prefer marriage counselling.Families however neutral they may try to be often add their own prejudices and sometimes this is like adding fuel to a fire.If I listened to some kain counselling from my family hen, I would make my husband spend all his money while I stash mine building houses and investments In Nigeria.And am not talking OUR property am talking Mine.And you know what now I kinda see where those individuals are coming from cos they trusted their husbands with their finances and these men ended up marrying second wives.So for them marriage is be smart, cunning or get screwed.
How wont that colour their advice if asked to counsel a young couple going through a rough patch.
For me counselling, psycology(not just marriage) is sometimes needed in this modern world we are trying to navigate.I was typical naija who was like who needs counselling.But when I had mild PND, my hubby could not stop me crying, my pastor kept telling me to pray, talking to a proffesional helped aloooot.

damiso: [/b]

@bolded is why I would prefer marriage counselling.Families however neutral they may try to be often add their own prejudices and sometimes this is like adding fuel to a fire.If I listened to some kain counselling from my family hen, I would make my husband spend all his money while I stash mine building houses and investments In Nigeria.And am not talking OUR property am talking Mine.And you know what now I kinda see where those individuals are coming from cos they trusted their husbands with their finances and these men ended up marrying second wives.So for them marriage is be smart, cunning or get screwed.
How wont that colour their advice if asked to counsel a young couple going through a rough patch.
For me counselling, psycology(not just marriage) is sometimes needed in this modern world we are trying to navigate.I was typical naija who was like who needs counselling.But when I had mild PND, my hubby could not stop me crying, my pastor kept telling me to pray, talking to a proffesional helped aloooot.

, I see we are rather similar; navigating this westerner world with our cultural background, it a tough mix. But as an appendix to your post from way back 'Can a mother have it all', i'd say yes we can. It's only a matter of time ans striking the right balance.

I for one, I'm not party to find root cause and passing blame. I feel the energy could be positively channelled to resolving issues. Most often in marriaes, it's about who's fault it is etc. Just as some on here have blamed it on the parents. The parents can only teach what they know (what worked for them in their own time and circumstances), couples need to define what works from them, taking into consideration their own circumstances and time.

Also, a good counsellor would never tell you what to do or the decision to take. M.C just helps to see things from different perspectives. My husband and I have had counselling in recent pasts; @ £60 an hour for just a chat, it's rather exepensive, however I left each session knowing myself better.

A neutral 3rd party does help a long way, someone that doesnt know you per say and you may never meet again. Someone that isn't prejudiced and won't hold what you have said against you later.I think this is where pastors, imams and friends and family have failed as M.Cs. Often times, these people tend to tell you what to, get angry when you havent followed their advice, hold and re-use details of the issues at later times or against either party etc.

There is no denial that pre-marital counselling and syncing is essential, but the issue here is, for those that didn't have this prior to their marriage or are in unhappy marriages, there is a gap for counselling.

See it like servicing a car or maintaining a bridge that connects 2 cities. No one buys a brand new car and thinks that's it, neither does one build a bridge or a house and think ce fini! With all good things that are meant to last, you need constant working to maintain standards. When you buy your car, its the owner's responsibility to fuel it, top up the oil etc, these you can do yourself at most self service garages, but there comes a time, be it after 20,000miles for new cars that you need the help of the experts. The garage does a check, resolve issues and you are good to go, most times as new. Likewise is marriage counselling, it's essential and should be left to the people that are well trained in it, because we don’t know it all and cant do it all.

Also, people on here are quoting high divorce rates in the westerner, what about we look at stats of Truly happy marriages between both worlds. Yes there is a high rate of divorce in the W.W, however I can vouch that there is a higher rate of happy unions and marriages too. I mean who wants to spend the best parts of their lives unhappy or with someone unhappy?

I really like the points raised re: years ago Make up artists, wedding planners not being prevalent a few years ago, but now are booming trades, I pray in the not too long future Marriage counselling, mental health therapy etc would be prevalent in Nigeria too, because to be sincere, our biggest problem in the country is all in the MINDSET!!!

There would be a time when:
a.) politicians and people in power would know there is no essence in stealing from a Nation you should be developing then running to other Nations for health care, good education for your kids. Charity begins at home, why not develop your country and have peace and all good things at your disposal.

b.) When the whole nation would wake up to the fact that they deserve and can have the best. And really fight off corruption. O-Y-O (on your own) mentality would get everyone now where fast. It's not sufficient to have a good job, drive a good car, afford the latest gadgets and holidays and turn a blind eye to the Have not's/

We need a mindset re-engineering as a Nation and people!

Rant over, back to work!

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hi Ola, just to let you know it is rude to rain on someone else's parade. it's almost criminal. I open a thread and you post your sales on it, without acknowledging or asking for permission. it's like plagiarism, you for try open your own thread next time

[quote author=maxwello.yg]men can marry anytime they want so you refusing can't taky anything away from them, keep refusing, by the time you clock 40 years old without getting married, you would start begging men to marry you.[/quote]Another sexist! and there are many more like him on nairaland, that I laugh so much at people's thinking.

@ op -

1.) Because the society dictates it, so the men are sexist, and the women too allow it.
2.) Because many live by hearsay and not 'what works'. Many are afraid to challenge myths and find it easier to comply rather than finding the right balance of what works best with Now (current climate, environment and one's partner).
3.) Because religion is archaic and needs to be brought into the 21st century. Many of the sexist views and notions are religious based, so perpetuators live by these doctrines.

A long time ago, I used to think sexism is as a result of lack on education, but I have long realized that even some educated ones still demonstrate these views. Neither is it a result of where you live. Because many abroad go to work and engage with fellow women as pars, but come home to be demiGods. Though education and location could play a part in eventually changing people's mindsets, but only those that are rationale.

@Op, very heartfelt and beautiful post. Your sincerity shows through and it's obvious you have placed your wife's happiness above yours!

I'm rest assured that with people like you, it's only a matter of time, but the best would surely come. Until then, live life, continue to show love whilst keeping an open mind

esere826: I am indeed communicating out of my normal depth.
my fonee plus my use of business jargon (academic type) plus lack of correct terminolgy for present environment ,.. all join


chei!! you are a naughty girl
Same here sha


that look in their eyes abi


You probably exist in too many worlds while your work collagues exist in a singular world of work
afterall na you still dey sell bag and shoes for nairaland



Sounds like you got yourself a tidy solution

You are nailing things down to a tee, I had and still have a million things going on at once, family (nuclear and extended), kids & their schooling, childcare, Nairaland ;-) name it! And you know what they say about Jack of all trades....

Also, at work, it's all an act, not my real self at all. One's brain us constantly in overdrive, it's not only about doing the job which is simple logic at the end of the day, but it's about how one sounds and comes across, checking each action against political correctness script and a aim to be culturally integrated and accepted.

The reality is sinking in daily, a leopard doesn't turn to a lion by simply washing off it's spots, you can't change who you are for someone else. And I truly love the real me, so I don't even want to change. At the end of the day if I get tired, naa to pack my bag return home, maybe 1 eyed me would become king in the country of the blind. (Just kidding at the blind pun, before I'm torn to shreds)

In the current climates especially with the woolich killing, it's tough enough holding one's head high at work

Haa haa, I sensed right, you r in obodo oyinbo like me, long n short, u get all the skills and knowledge that u can n return to your home country where you would be better appreciated and you don't need to keep paraphrasing your thoughts.

Someone also suggested to me about speaking at other non pressurized forums like church etc. Might work into building your public speaking confidence. Because the funny thing about me is that I relate n communicate well with other oyibos outside work environments; e.g. at my children's school, on the phone etc. (Which drives my 2nd class citizen point). But you should see me sometimes at work or interviews I stammer and I don't stammer in real life. Lol

now it seems it's a me party, as I'm the only one posting, but I so reckon with you on this. It's like you opened the thread for me and it's consoling that someone else in the world is some sort of similar shoes

AjanleKoko: Are you referring to verbal communication? Cos you write very well, at least here on NL.

If it is verbal communication, the frames of reference have to be defined. The way you communicate in workplace or business situations differs from the way you communicate in social and informal settings.

There is a plethora of text and training available for improving communication skills. I would however recommend a timeless classic: Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. Fantastic read

Also, you should read a lot more classic literature (prose and poetry) if you want to learn language skills and how to use words in a clever manner. There is more than a thousand years' worth of that floating around, From Chaucer to Shakespeare, Pope to Cowley, Dryden to Byron, Kipling to Yeats. Also watch a lot of documentaries. You'll find that, when you know a lot of stuff, making conversation or giving impromptu talks won't be much of a challenge anymore.

Or you can go the whole hog and join Toastmasters International. Been thinking about doing that for a while now, I'll get round to it in a couple of years

I actually like the books you have referenced, this is the 2nd time the how to win friends book has been recommended to this issue. In fact I tire for myself on top it, I have taken elocution classes, seen a life coach who used hypnosis on me to no avail. I even started taking medicine to aid my memory 'coz the way simple spellings n words elude me, I thought I had dementia or alzhemier(wrong spelling I know). Maybe it's about time I took time out and read a book that could change my life, but naa lie the love if per day money won't allow such :-)

esere826: I need help in communicating
Donno where to post this, but I believe that folks in the family section are mature and experienced and could help


I have never been shy of talking when a subject excites me
In fact I love lecturing/speaking

My challenge is that recently, I have come to realise that I am usually short of words when explaining issues
I feel that this might be making me look unitelligent

The reason for this challenge is that I am begining to know/learn more and more broad and diverse subject matters
I am therefore faced with an issue of multiple vocabulary/jargons associated with such diverse range of subject matters
Also my brain is always spinning with analysis, measuring issues, identifying risks, oppurtunities, gaps etc

So when I stand to talk, i find myself grappling with the challenge of sorting and sifting through huge repositories for the right words to best articulate my point
I find it easier to write (maybe because I can fire away and come back to think through and edit)
I hate talking slow, and dont want to end up with the slow slurred commuincation associated with some Nigerian big men


As anyone gone through this challenge before? How did you overcome it?
I really need help, I do not want this present communication challenge to propel me towards being an introvert

Thanks

I haven't read through all posts, so pardon me if I raise or ask questions that may have been addressed.

I kinda sense you are not in Nigeria, I.e. You are communicating out of your normal depth. I actually align with what you're going through, but I associated mine to be a result of child birth as I have noticed a massive difference with my comms before and after childbirth in terms of what we call 'fonee'

To make matters worse I made a career change after the birth of my 1st child, so there I was a 'cowboy' project analyst who claims to have years if experience dah dah dah (I guess lots of naija can relate with this).

being in unfamiliar but pressured terrains and the need to keep on top with the office project lingos saw my communication confidence take a nose dive. I start to stammer, simple words start to elude me and I end up coming across as a total bum!

Now with good 5 years experience and the fact that I do truly know my stuff, you would think it should be in the past, but hell no! The unfortunate thing is that I know I am far more intelligent than I come across at work. I hold a hid argument outside of work, state my case clearly and all, but even I laugh what I am like at work.

It's got me thinking more about the root cause and how best to circumvent this, a few of my analogies are:

1.) Im constantly over thinking how I comw across and sound, this is a major killer as one can't excel on all grounds if the brain is doing much at one time, yiu either focus on content and sound as d true african that I am, or focus in the delivery; fonee and articulation having prepped content ahead.

2.) Stop trying to be someone else or sounding like someone else. Its unfortunate but my default brain thinks Nigerian and then tries to translate to British office lingo; am example being ' we need to look at everything' compared to ' we need to consider all aspects/views. My default self would say the d 1st statement under pressure in a meeting but would use the 2nd in an email after 10 minutes of editing n synonyms. A defiant part of me feels shebi idea is need, but my alter ego knows I could do beta!

3.) Be prepped cannot be over emphasised, Obama as you see who is deemed a great orator has speeches that have been prepped and rehearsed. Your confidence grows when you know you have delivered quality 'shiit' and this would overtime help you to ride the tide even when spurned an unexpected.

4.) Never fail to admit what you don't know but offer to come back with answers when you find out. You would be much respected this way

5.) Finally, emancipate yourself from 2nd class citizen's mentality. Those you are communicating with r no better than or created more special. At the end of the day, its all talk. The one who holds the floor might not necessarily have the best product, but might just be blessed with gift of the gap.

PS: the above might not necessarily relate to you, it's just my grail if only I did live by it myself, I would be much better

Nairaland needs to have a dislike button, 'cause you have just written utter and total crap! Ti start with, I graduated from a Nigerian University @ 21! Yes with all the strike and all, and I wasn't an accelerated bloomer either went through 6-3-3-4.

You obviously only see the world from your myopic view, is it by force? Someone is unhappy in his marriage, feels he deserves happiness and takes a shot at it! Or you expect him to sit on his sorry ass like you would have licking old wounds!

Your analysis shows your lack of knowledge and worse still a failure to shut up! Mr or Mrs pregnancy calculator; who told you all pregnancy must last 9 months!

You should be banned from Nairaland and sent back to JSS1.

yes, I am pissed as I hate balant demostration of ignorance. Phew!!!

caropy: @Mr Lover man, sorry i have some question for you, you said your ex is the same age with your recent wife, and her first son with you is 16, you said she already graduated before getting preggy (cos u said she went to benin to work out her nysc when the baby was 7months), does it mean she was around 21 when you impregnated her?

My peple I see lies, pure one. So then that school go on strike for one full year, resume and go on another two years strike was when your ex graduated at 21? Haba, haba, haba, what now. Then you impregnated another woman who at 8 month had still birth, is 8month pregnancy birth still birth? Pls may be am wrong, somebody help me.

Your wife already had two miscarriages, the other relationship you have suffered a still birth, if your 17years relationship was a bad one caused by your ex, do you think you would face all that?

As a bible study teacher, you think you are doing it right according to the will of God?

If all you said is true, then you deserve what you got from her cos you went after beauty not character, that is if all you said about her is true.

Am sorry, you need God, else I tell you you may not end well. Ehen, let's I forgot, in your 17 years of work, have buld your own house? Or the woman is also ill lock to you?

I think you should rather seek the face of God than what you are getting here, cos He knows it all, including your frailty.

You guys aready made up your mind on what to do, why posting here for candid advise?

Pls, no matter what, take good care of your children, don't leave then, I beg you, so many children suffer cos of break up/divorce, pls n pls, look after them, give them your love, education, I beg you. It is well with you.

Nairaland needs to have a dislike button, 'cause you have just written utter and total crap! Ti start with, I graduated from a Nigerian University @ 21! Yes with all the strike and all, and I wasn't an accelerated bloomer either went through 6-3-3-4.

You obviously only see the world from your myopic view, is it by force? Someone is unhappy in his marriage, feels he deserves happiness and takes a shot at it! Or you expect him to sit on his sorry ass like you would have licking old wounds!

Your analysis shows your lack of knowledge and worse still a failure to shut up! Mr or Mrs pregnancy calculator; who told you all pregnancy must last 9 months!

You should be banned from Nairaland and sent back to JSS1.

yes, I am pissed as I hate balant demostration of ignorance. Phew!!!

caropy: @Mr Lover man, sorry i have some question for you, you said your ex is the same age with your recent wife, and her first son with you is 16, you said she already graduated before getting preggy (cos u said she went to benin to work out her nysc when the baby was 7months), does it mean she was around 21 when you impregnated her?

My peple I see lies, pure one. So then that school go on strike for one full year, resume and go on another two years strike was when your ex graduated at 21? Haba, haba, haba, what now. Then you impregnated another woman who at 8 month had still birth, is 8month pregnancy birth still birth? Pls may be am wrong, somebody help me.

Your wife already had two miscarriages, the other relationship you have suffered a still birth, if your 17years relationship was a bad one caused by your ex, do you think you would face all that?

As a bible study teacher, you think you are doing it right according to the will of God?

If all you said is true, then you deserve what you got from her cos you went after beauty not character, that is if all you said about her is true.

Am sorry, you need God, else I tell you you may not end well. Ehen, let's I forgot, in your 17 years of work, have buld your own house? Or the woman is also ill lock to you?

I think you should rather seek the face of God than what you are getting here, cos He knows it all, including your frailty.

You guys aready made up your mind on what to do, why posting here for candid advise?

Pls, no matter what, take good care of your children, don't leave then, I beg you, so many children suffer cos of break up/divorce, pls n pls, look after them, give them your love, education, I beg you. It is well with you.

Number 1 lesson in understanding mental illness is ‘Never try and quantify, qualify or underestimate the scale of sufferer's issues’. Most people have been going on about the victim only been out of work for 2 months and comparing to other unemployed lots of 3yr, 10yrs etc. Each person's ability to handle issues differ, as such so would the results. We should learn to focus at the key issues and concentrate efforts on resolving or mitigating such.

I bet when he cried for help, by simply admitting 'I'm not happy, I'm depressed'; his parents, neighbours and friends that are now crying foul probably told him the same messages been portrayed here and failed to identify that what the victim just needed was a lil bit of TLC and possibly some professional help and therapy.

The unfortunate thing though, which I had predicted a couple of years ago when the events of the banker chic that took her life and then the Akolade dude that stabbed his wife to death, is that this is an upcoming trend in our society. We would continue to see and hear of more of such, and maybe one day, when it hits each person closer to home, we would start to realise that Mental illness is real and needs to be managed more adequately without prejudice to the victim or family.

We need to understand the law of change/evolution. It is undeniable that we are coming behind the Westerner world, as such much more influenced and exposed to their media. Gone are the days when suicide was almost unheard of and very far in-between in our communities, as we follow the trends, music and fashion other ‘vices’ are also bound to penetrate through. (please note my apostrophes on vices, as mental illness itself isn’t a vice, but rather the follow on actions are what I term as vices, such as suicide, mass killing etc). Gone are the days when ‘werees’ used to walk around naked in the market place, soon we would experience ‘professional weree’, well dressed and spoken werees, that could randomly attack and kill en-mass simply because they didn’t get the help and understanding they deserve from the community

You know the level of ignorance consistently demonstrated on Nairaland on mental illness (one of the hot debatable topics for me, others include sexist view, religious ignoramus and to get started on tribalism) has suddenly given me a brainwave of a career change for me. I need to find me an NGO to fund educating and saving the masses from mental slavery. I have always thought what is the next big thing from a money perspective, but about time start to at the future from lives and generation saving view. That will definitely be more productive that millions of dollars in my bank account. WATCH THIS SPACE!!!

It depends on a number of factors; where you are and plan to be in terms of location and career. In the Uk for example, professional qualification specific to the job (plus experience of course) carries more weight than degrees.

I have a Bsc in Economics too, and then in Nigeria, a master's degree was (possibly still is)highly regarded. Came to the UK for an 18months masters degree in Entrepreneurial Studies, but now work in Project Management with a 1week Prince2 qualification. My BSc & Master's were totally irrelevant in the recruitment process. Also, very few of my bosses have University degrees but rather truck loads of professional qualifications.

That been said, once you have thought through the above, i will advise that if it's a Master's, then make in as diverse and versatile as possible, so you don’t limit your employment opportunities, you can afford to specialize when it comes to PQs. I have seen many people waste quality time and resources with Master's specializing in too 'narrow' areas, unless you are a professor or researcher, there is no point boxing yourself in if you get my drift.

So on point! It's a trend I sense with a lot of Nigerian marriages and mindset of individuals too!

The man provides, sic. The woman performs her wifely duties, sic. All according to some hidden marriage manuals which no one has seen and can update.

You then dare as a woman to ask for more, you are labelled Oliver Twist, one who can't count her blessings etc. they say after all he is not cheating on you or beating you, forgetting there were and still 2 individual souls, who like all living organisms need nurturing, care and love. It's worse when the other party is ignorant of the fact too, very oblivious even when the neglect issues and lack of connection issues were several times highlighted! Quick to call on the 'marriage manual' as a testament only when pushed to the wall starts to act and then relents soon enough. Back to square one!

Occasional cracks are good for relationships; they can be mended and the 'super glue' does strengthen the 'plate', but when these cracks become too many, then the 'plate' can be termed as unrepairable.

I have never had an issue with sticking out and being different, so I chose my path to be happy. Many can't relate with my reasons, but only me knows the emptiness I feel inside and hears the voice that tells me 'I could do better and deserve better!

What marks a man from a boy is how he is able to adequately manage his relationships. It's okay to talk for hours when you are single, but as a married person, one needs to learn to repioritise and realign one's requirements. Your top obligations now is to your immediate family.

Your wife threatening you is nothing but a cry for your attention, read in between the lines and salvage your marriage now before its too late. And to anyone saying the wife needs to get a life or occupied, that's only wedging a bridge that is destined for destruction.

I'm only speaking from someone who has toiled similar lines and hubby now crying over split milk.

pDude: *Facepalms* I give up.

You know what? Mental illness has no cure; and that is exactly what you had since you beg to differ. I will be careful with my health if I were you because anything can trigger it off and take you to yahooland.

The issue here isn't about whether MI has a cure or not. Some do and some don't. But my contention is writting off the likes of Rayo or my situation as described as not mental illness. Everything starts from somewhere that the point I'm trying to drive.

But on a lighter note; yahoo land sounds like a good idea. I could kill the likes of you n my hubby and blame it on my mental state of mind.[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]

pDude: No problem dear.

What you had was mental depression and mental breakdown due to heavy burdens being placed upon you, too hard to bear. That is far from "Mental illness". Believe me, mental illness has symptoms far worse from your symptoms.

I beg to differ; mental illness is any condition that makes one's emotion well being to be ill balanced, however momentary, temporary,permanent or severe.

Like some physical illnesses e.g. headache, mild tummy upset etc if left untreated can have consequential impact. Which is where I believe you are coming from in terms of severity.

However for someone within the medical fields (I believe from you Adanmawa tales) I'm seriously surprised at your stance. IMO, it's enough to get your licence to practice revoked.

^^^ I don't prove read as I'm typing off a phone and it's not the easiest task after managing to type an epistle, however I believe with lil of common sense applied, an average reader should be able to get my drift :-)

It's sad the level of ignorance on mental illness within our culture, but I can't blame anyone for believing (or not believing) what tey haven't experienced or is the norm in their society/generation. My fear though is that someway even this current generation would be affected and gwt bitten someway as a result of mental illness and the general ignoramus.

I used to be a part of the school of thought that MI is 'Arun oyibo' until I started to experience this a few years back myself. After my 2nd baby and returning to work a tab early, also saddled with a 20 month toddler (my 1st child) and an unsupportive husband (in terms of emotional support) plus my sister whose biggest joy is driving me up the wall, I have my episode of post natal depression and stress.

I knew I was stressed as there was a lot going on, however I did not diagnose it as PND in time. So even though everything looked good on the surface; a good job, family, car, etc. Reliable family care for my 10wk old baby, I just knew things weren't right. Unfortunately the adults around me (hubby&sis) only made matters worse by throwing words like 'frustrated' etc at me.

After losing my head Ia few good times over minor matters, I had to rein it all in and started an identification and elimination process of the key stress factors in my life. For those I couldn't eliminate, I had to strategise a way of daeling with, e.g. I quit the job, stopped my sister from providing childcare or any service for me (coz she was getting paid), ignored as many rants and issues with my hubby that I could etc.

Fast forward, now almost 3 years down the line; am I cured? No, however I'm much more experienced at knowing when I'm getting to the lows. Daily I'm devising ways of managing myself and episodes. I have chosen not to seek medical treatment yet, because one I fear the dependacy and possible wrong diagnosis as with Rayo. Also I have 2 beautiful children and I would do anything to stay safe, free and sane to look after them. I also do not want it on record or to be used against me on deciding child custody as obviously in me, it was over between me and my husband after failing me at the time I needed him most.

Now I seek a separation as the above coupled with other differences shows it wasn't working between my hubby n myself. But the folks at home and even supposed learned friends (abroad&home) can't understand when I say my reason is cause the marriage was affecting me psychologically. It's me that knows the lows & depths, the unspeakable negative thoughts and sometimes just wishing for an end to it all (though I never thought to commit suicide, but a natural end actually didn't seem like a bad idea).

I'm happy to share experiences and talk about this silent but emerging killer, because yes it's going to hit home rather soon as there are already signs and samples: the banker that killed herself, the hubby that stabbed the Skye banker and loads more that I read about.

opee1231: okay now which one are we to believe? CEO of Kennis music said she complained of severe headache which was the first thing i came across from gist express, here is another one saying she died of pulmonary embolism...pls hows that related, or pple just formulate their own story cus she jst got back from the state and its still winter there or what??

Severe headache is a major sign of PE, you can read up on the signs. A friend had same issue after child birth and nearly died, she complained of a banging headache and went into a deep sleep with loud snores which her hubby thought was unusual especially as she couldn't be roused, however the silly midwives thought it was due to the childbirth trauma she just went through. Long and short, she was taking to the emergency surgery to drain the blood from her brain.

@ op, I feel you, I'm there right now! We have tried all sorts therapy, intervention and even for the sake of the kids to no avail.

The therapist did resound same message; when a person has left emotionally, it really tough to redeem such a relationship and being together leads to resentment.

There is still hope, however it would require both parties to give it their very best shots and all.

I have experienced this too, and found out sometimes the subtle approach isn’t effective.

We had this naija childminder that stunk up the whole house, if you opened her room, it's like a tear gas has exploded in your face. However this girl is the neatest (the type that baths first thing in the morning and last thing at night) and best cleaner of all the childminders/aupairs etc we have used (still thought about her last night and how efficiently she cleaned, compared to this our new aupair that thinks changing the bathroom mats means ‘clean bathroom’, thinks i no get eye!)

So back to the naija minder, I had run out of deodorant spray in my room, and went to pick one under the stairs where we store stuffs. I used that opportunity to give her one too, so its like ‘coz I’m taking one, you too take’ but wetin, dis girl just keep am for her drawer dey mince the thing.

One day we (hubby, sister and I) got talking got talking about this dear situation, Apparently, my sister had also bought her deodorant on day 2 of her(my sister’s) visit, just coz of the whiff. Now my husband cant stand BO at all, he imagines the slightest whiff off himself, as such he goes through 1 can of sure in a week, basically wasting it, coz he sprays not just the ball joint of his armpit, but the skin around torso and arm (story for another day), so you can imagine how ODD he is. He was livid coz he dropped her and the kids with his car, and he said he had to open all 4 windows of the car for a long while in freezing weather just to try and get the stench out. I decided to bite the bull by the horn and kuku tell her to face, but before I had the chance save her from this misery, we had a major fall out which resulted to me walking her out of the house.

Unfortunately this is a girl that has just moved to the UK and hopes to make it good, so the childminding was to be interim (roof overhead, free food and extra money) but imagine how that smell could limit her success, in addition to her ‘I cant take constructive criticism' syndrome which eventually led to our fall out. She claims she went to LASU (the one that isn’t via JAMB) yet through all her life passage, no one has told her!!!

JeSoul: Shout out tsmith. How have you been? (remember me right? from our mutual friend )

I sure do Jesoul! i spoke with D and then his mom on Xmas day. he told me you are nursing a cute lil bundle, congratulations. Hope you all are doing good?

ItsModella: errm, you've been a Nairalander for over 8 years? Nairaland is only 7 years old..

I have known nairaland since 2005, that's 8 years to me, regardless of the anniversay month!

Petraman: Beside this, if u continue helping ur wife, and either ur friend or family see u doing such chores, they'll take u as a fool, dat u've been given charms. Whenever dis happens, u feel embarrassed

You would olny feel embarassed if you give a faff abut what others think and have no pride in your judgement and careful thoughts behind every decision.

I for one dont live my life by someone else's yardstick, i set mine!

There is no one fit for every marriage, as such no marriage manual. each is different, you tailor your fit and manual to yours, with regular updates as life changes. Now within your tailored manual, there would be obviously some gender related duties, i am not oblivous to the fact that men and women are genetically different.

I am an african living in the western world BTW and i really dont want to be dragged into the what i do and what he does not line, but I know a lot of naija man do have double standards and views, thereby taking a major P*I*S*S!!!

To he who said he cant remember seeing his father do house chores? Is your home your father's house? the requirements then are different to yours, so you need to tailor your needs to your household's requirement. Can i also ask, do you aim to do as well as your father in life or better than? So why limit your efforts to that, that should matter most, i.e. your home?

To Everyone complaining about chores becoming a duty? remember the story of a job that needed to be done, and 'everybody' thought it was 'somebody's' job, yet 'nobody' did it? That's what happens when there is no agreed structure in place, chaos and manic!. You all work so hard at your career and jobs (these are goverened by structure and processes) yet refuse to put your homes in such order.

The pricinples that make the organisations you work for successful, try implementing similar to your homes and family and see whether it wont be a happier more successful home or not. I bet at work you have a clear job description, each person is aware of input/outputs. yet you are still expected to be flexible enough to support other members of the team and organisations with adhoc tasks. How can you put your best efforts towards a job, career etc yet give out peanuts to your home, knowing that whether the chips are down or up, home is where you return?

To those that don't contribute to the family life at home, its fine coz there might be no requirement for it, you may have a line of househelps or aburos, your wife might be a housewife or just simply good at keeping on top of things, but if your home requires it and your wife is asking for help, then please frigging get to it! As it works in lagbaja's house isnt how is gonna work in yours remember!