₦airaland Forum

Another woman with contrary views to the norm.

I don't believe in marriage by force either, and despite the mistakes you might  have made or not laying the right foundations, you regardless deserve your happiness.

If having a another child of yours is your main issue, then go for it. As lastpage (i think) advised, another marriage is not exactly the way forward now. The whole marriage banner just over complicate issues.

There is no point crying over split milk; you need to make the most of your current situation and a man ggast to do what makes him happy.

But can i please ask that in any decision you take or make, try and come clean and clear. You owe every single person the truth; your current wife, girlfriend, son and even step kids. You would be surprised how easily ppl accept and deal with the truth. Even your current wife kinda expects it, thus putting several mmitigation in place.

Note, it is not cast to in stone to work out fine, but at leastyou would know you followed you heart. If it fails, you just dust yourself and re-plan

albeit slow, the court system actually works in nigeria.

I remember my mum's family took my dad to court after we lost out mum, that is some 27 years ago. The children's account and choice is also taken into consideration. However vaguely, i remember taking the stand at 5years and asked where  i would rather live. Come to think of it, my dad got custody, though we all ran away to my granny's, which was the reason why we were in court anyway.

I think you sister has a strong case; if the husband can not independently care for the kids nad needs to enlist the help of his mom and house help, then it makes sense for the kids to be with their mom who is not complaining of sole care.

albeit slow, the court system actually works in nigeria.

I remember my mum's family took my dad to court after we lost out mum, that is some 27 years ago. The children's account and choice is also taken into consideration. However vaguely, i remember taking the stand at 5years and asked where i would rather live. Come to think of it, my dad got custody, though we all ran away to my granny's, which was the reason why we were in court anyway.

I think you sister has a strong case; if the husband can not independently care for the kids nad needs to enlist the help of his mom and house help, then it makes sense for the kids to be with their mom who is not complaining of sole care.

it is a repeat post from me, as I noticed you have duplicated the link in the romance session. Can i ask though that the two threads are linked and maintained in the family session, as I do not see anything romantic in this.

I am in tears and extremely saddened!

I am mad at the system, corrputed at all levels and without any iota of morals or empathy . That boy has been let down by the nurses that played with time due to their selfish interests, the country, the government that makes the basic things of life such a big deal.

Imagine if you feel this way after knowing them for only a few hours, in what state would the mother of the boy be? Only recently a widow and then loss of a child, not because you dont know but due to lack of funds. There comes an angel in your form; rays of hope and maybe finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Each transit form hospital to hospital, thinking now the money is here, but over and over that hope is dashed by a failing system. Then she realises that even money can be too late. She must be at her teethers edge right now, and need all the emotional and financial support.

I am a mother with a boy of 3yrs and stories like this makes me thing it could have been me, my son etc. And how can we change the system?

The shock can not leave you because God placed you there at that time for a purpose, until that work is complete, its gonna continue pricking you mind. Even though the boy is death, the episode should not end there. You have witnessed it, you have aired it on here, i have read and I am ready to act. Let's see how we can fly with this, if you please. otherwise I am happy to fly on my own with God's help, we most preserve the survivng child and mother and most especially the legacy of the lil 4 year old boy.

Do you have contact details of the mother or how you can get her? please get in touch with me on topsy_smitie at yahoo dot com

i am so messed up at work right now, as I cant even contain my tears!

I am in tears and extremely saddened!

I am mad at the system, corrputed at all levels and without any iota of morals or empathy . That boy has been let down by the nurses that played with time due to their selfish interests, the country, the government that makes the basic things of life such a big deal.

Imagine if you feel this way after knowing them for only a few hours, in what state would the mother of the boy be? Only recently a widow and then loss of a child, not because you dont know but due to lack of funds. There comes an angel in your form; rays of hope and maybe finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Each transit form hospital to hospital, thinking now the money is here, but over and over that hope is dashed by a failing system. Then she realises that even money can be too late. She must be at her teethers edge right now, and need all the emotional and financial support.

I am a mother with a boy of 3yrs and stories like this makes me thing it could have been me, my son etc. And how can we change the system?

The shock can not leave you because God placed you there at that time for a purpose, until that work is complete, its gonna continue pricking you mind. Even though the boy is death, the episode should not end there. You have witnessed it, you have aired it on here, i have read and I am ready to act. Let's see how we can fly with this, if you please. otherwise I am happy to fly on my own with God's help, we most preserve the survivng child and mother and most especially the legacy of the lil 4 year old boy.

Do you have contact details of the mother or how you can get her? please get in touch with me on topsy_smitie at yahoo dot com

i am so messed up at work right now, as I cant even contain my tears!

i reckon Shea butter, Yoruba's call it Ori. I have 2 kids, even though i dint have a flat belly, u would never blv my tummy /skin went through them stretches and contractions, as i do not have a single stretch mark and the skin is still very firm and smooth.

Stretch marks occurs when the skin goes through sudden expansion or contraction, as in the case of pregnancy and subsequent childbirth. Also there is no cure to already existing stretch marks, but one can prevent SM. As such it is recommended it is recommended that you start using it, right form the day you know you are pregnant, do not wait until the tummy starts to protrude. Also, carry on using for months after childbirth.

As SB is hard, smelly and not easy for the skin to absorb, i would recommend melting it in the microwave and mixing with a lotion. I use e45 & drop some perfume oil in it for essence. That way make loads and dint need to go through the cooking process.

It's great for all over the body use, so shouldn't be restricted to the tummy alone, my husband and the whole family still use this mixture to date and many attest to our glowing skin.

Also, if you research many pregnancy cream, ie. Palmer's for pregnant woman, you would notice that Shea butter is magic ingredient on their recipes. So imagine you using it in it unadulterated form?

I think this post from a previous thread captures my view in totality

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=492128.msg6532033#msg6532033

by Captured (how coincidental)

IT depends on the attitude of you and your folks. however, I must caution that you don't encourage Unclothedness within your family if you are not ready to be open about intimate matters. Kids as young as three will ask why mum does not have a third leg and why they have flat chests.
If you cant deal with such questions honestly, DO close you door to dress.
IF you are willing to discuss such then feel free.

My younger brother (the only boy) used to hide himself from the moment he could bath himself (primary sch) but was forced to expose it all when he caught a toilet infection (from his pry sch) which got quite bad because he was feeling uncomfortable with me and mum been female. No one made fun of him but the doc told him, he should have spoken earlier and since then (with much encouragement he freely talks about his privates within family.

Am married now and comfortable bath together with my son. My husband and I patiently answer any question he has about body parts as the alternative is letting him learn at school through peers or through paedophiles who mask around as teachers in nursery and primary schools

DO NOT HOWEVER ALLOW SUCH EXPOSURE WITH RELATIVES NOT EVEN COUSINS, AUNTS AND UNCLES. and do attach dad to son and mum to daughters as often as possible. if you fall out of line and pack your balls in public, itch your unmentionables in fronts of guess. your kids are going to do so its really your choice

Go to sites like parentlingweekly.com and learn how to introduce you child to personal hygiene and matters of sex by example, you get to see to pros and cons and how to manage it, when to start, when to stop.

@ whitehorse

Definitely making out in front of the kids is totally wrong. it's a different ball game from being naked oin their presence and ducking for cover or sending them out?

It is a good thing to teach manners, ie knock before you enter, but I think ducking for covers if the chance happens is teaching the kids to be ashamed in their bodies. Or that the body sef is wrong.

i beg to differ on this issue.

I grew up in a household where we were very comfortable with our bodies or unclothedness as you may call it and also very comfortable in our personal spaces. the boys could walk into the girls room and carry on a conversation even if we were starkers. Same for our parents. overtime the boys started being extra sensitive for their privacy; ie duck for cover if any of the girls were to walk in on them unannounced, but it didn't change things the other way round. Funny thing i realised though is that in such situations its a case of 'you can see but really cant see', more focus is on the face and mouth.

Now years down the line, has it had any negative impact on any of us? I would say no, but rather contributed to making us stronger and more confident individuals.

I sleep starkers and even prefer to walk around starkers in my personal space (my house). I am more comfortable that way. Overtime, my husband has also come into the whole lifestyle. We have 2 children, a boy 3 & girl 1.5yrs.

Dint get me wrong, Its not a throw it in your face prancing around Unclad (not after 2 kids, there is much to flaunt, LOL) but if from bed i need to attend to the kids, i would just in the exact state that i am. or if the kids come into our room, we dint duck for cover. The kids in particular like to come into our bed in the morning for a lil lie in, it is precious moments we all enjoy. I wont spoil such by driving them out coz mom or dad isn't dressed etc.

The thing to me is that, whether they kids see ours or not, they would eventually know the body parts, and what better way to teach or introduce them to it that at home, afterall charity does begin at home. How do you want to teach sex education without sights? it's like learning chemistry without chemicals

Another positive to me is the confidence, liberty and security it gives. No one and nothing could ever give them a complex about their bodies. Its all about the personal space and the ability to be you in your own space, no pretence no dress up etc.

To the person that talked about the Quran, my husband is Muslim for starters. And was the quran written in this times, when responsibilities for the kids are shared btw d 2 parents? My husband has his days when he has to sort out he kids; bath, nursery runs etc so therefore he baths both the boy and the girl. We need to learn to apply sense to religion. It is what works now, not what Jesus or Mohammed said. Such limited views is the major cause of conflict in the world today, has cost millions of lives and would continue to do so.

Maybe if and when you parcel up domestic help form 9ja, we may concede to your line of thoughts, but until then and at the end of the day, it is what works for each.

For a number of reasons:

Africans are religious

1.)  , because it is a poverty mentality in  most under developed countires. When the basic necessities of lie are not readily available as should be. People rely on some 'super' being to get what should ideally be their rights. A typical day for a Nigerian for example:

You pray as soon as you wake up, for safety to work and back, against armed robbers, accidents etc. you remember to add car problems and the silly ogas that can penalise you for no just cause. Pray against hold up, or for fuel or light etc. The possibility of something not forseen happening is 99.9%. You remember the days you forgot to dedicate your day to God and how many things go wrong. Memories of stories of people that didn't pray to God and everything went pear shaped is still fresh on your mind, as stressed by your pastor/imams etc yesterday.

A UK resident for example knows if he wakes up at 6, he needs 30 minutes to take a shower, iron get to the bustop or train station at say 7:42, that bus arrives at 7:45, the journey takes 30 minutes at the time of the day, he is at work by 8:15 leaves him 15 minutes to grab a coffee before work starts at 8:30. He knows so far he is at his desk for so so days a month, come 25th of that month, a certain amount must hit his account. He knows the total bills and expenditure required of him monthly; council tax, average electricity/water/gas bill. No oga just has any power to pick on him or make his life unreasonable, otherwise he takes the company to employers tribunal.

My naija brother on the other hand, does not know how much he would need for his generator, or whether the transformer might be stolen or the whole neighbourhood needs to donate to buy anew one. whether area boys would obtain today or not, he might run into someone or someone runs into him, extra unplanned gbese. The company might say, the have are short on cash, and hold salaries. Oga methu might take a dislike for you, and cause you to lose your job on the spot. etc

2.)  , because it is a weapon on the vulnerable and stupid; of which many Africans fails prey. When ppl choose not to apply themselves or knowledge but appoint someone else to do the job, you get religion of all sorts on a large scale.  People are brainwashed into subservient.

need to get back to work, would continue later,

How dare the op post mouth watering food pictures and yet say no words?

I am at my desk, my stomach is rumbling and my sandwich has never been soo unappealing.

Too many options yet so unreachable.

Hmmh, prompt response. But sorry, I am 'oliver twist' my curiosity is not yet sated. Would have loved to have an opinion from the other side of the coin, sisimmi.

So is it that irredeemable? Have you both been in touch lately?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but i kinda stumble on this thread and read thru from page. All along a part of me, was really wishing for them to make up, coz their love seemed really genuine and all.

Did a lil' dig on the husband, looks like he's the real deal but unfortunately the relationship didn't survive and a few months down the line, dude has got himself a good job and even looking to buy a N3million car. Me thinks had the grass been green at that time their union would have been great.

Makes me wonder, where is Sisimi and any regrets? if she had the chance would she have turned back the hands on time?

See a couple of his post though.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=506919.msg8949601#msg8949601 looking to buy a BMW for N3m
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=698620.msg8592639#msg8592639 made reference to been single
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=693267.msg8550562#msg8550562 made reference to his then jobless situation and chic leaving him.

of coz the cat in me would like to satisfy its curiosity, but also I think someone cld learn from this thread been revived. As Yoruba would say 'oju lope sii'

Celemel - care to give an update?

@drummaboy

I'm no medics, but from friends experiences, it the same cut for fibroid and CS. Ppl's body heal differently, so if your wife healed fine from her Fibroid ops, i reckon she wld do just as well from CS.

Also, from 3 friend's experiences with fibroid, it was safer to give birth via CS as often enough more fibroid would grow with the foetus. But at the end of the day, it is the doctor's and your wife's decision to make.

@oluchikeh - I experienced a lil delayed healing with my stitch as well, though mainly my fault as I was driving quite often and long distance, the seating position isn't the best for keeping the scar dry, which is essential for healing. I was prescribed antispectic powder, which worked a treat together with some TLC and attention.

I have two kids, and opted for elective CS for my 2nd. Reason been a long and traumatic previous child birth. Despite my 1st child was born virginally, i actually do not recollect or have favorable memories of the birth. I was in labour for 36hours, my water had broken at home on a Thursday morning abt 7am, but the midwife's on examination ddnt blv me and said membrane still intact. I was i so much pain and couldn't sleep or rest, as apparently the baby was laying back to back and pressing down on. so I was pressed, but not no pee would come out. Anyway i stayed back at the hospital and finally got reexamined Friday morning after much begging, only for the midwife to say 'he's got so much hair'. meaning for them to feel his hair, the water must have broken and i was with them all along and they kept saying it hadn't. Now you would imagine that since my water had broken more than 24hrs ago, and my labour wasn't proceeding as expected, they shd fastrack it, due to the possibility of infections for both mother and child.

But hell no, the took me through the A - Z of all medical options; i took all the pain relief options, gas and air, pethidine, epidural and wat more. I was literally begging for CS, but was made to sign going through forceps, vastrum (not sure its the right spelling) then CS as a last resort. My idea is we are going to 'Z', which is having a a healthy baby and a living mother, rigth. why take me through , P,Q,R, S, T, , just go to the damn Z once and for all. I didn't give birth until 10pm Friday night via forceps with a really painful epistomy.

Now tell me, after all that and much more post birth issues; 5 days on the hospital for antibiotics (due to the time btw water breaking and actual childbirth), my son was also in ICU for the first few days, or is it his cone shaped head, due to staying too long in the birth canal etc. I sensibly asked for a CS right from day 1 of discovering I was pregnant with a 2nd child. This time around, no shaking, all the consultants tried to convince me otherwise, but hell no.

My decision was based on 2 main issues,

1.) I would rather guarantee my child's life and endure post birth pain (which blv me wasn't as bad as the epistomy recovery, I was driving by day 4 and actually did very well.)
2.) I like some form of control and certainty around things. (i know ppl wld argue that nothing is uncertain, but blv me, some things are more certain than others). research it, the Royal family by standards give birth by CS, as it more controlled, likewise celebs, its not a matter of too posh to push, it because they are perceived to be very important, therefore their life's needs to be preserved by all means.

I won't be having anymore kids, but if I were, i would opt for CS without a doubt. Also in the last 2 months, 2 incidents have occurred to buttress my notion and argument. 4 of my friends were pregnant at the same time. of these 3 of them are very close friends, and ppl teased it was planned as they were just days apart. Can you imagine that of the 4, only 1 had a straight forward delivery? the 2nd actually gave birth the very next day after the 1st of my friends, yeah she delivered vaginally without issues but went into a comma some 30minutes after due to the birth trauma she experienced. She had a brain hemorrhage, whereby a vein burst and blood was collecting on her brain. She could have died. 2 months down the line, she is slowly recovering, we thank God. Still in the hospital, not yet set eyes on her baby, her memory is messed up and its still a long way from recovery.

the 3rd was trying for a vaginal delivery, but after a some days in the hospital and no induction process worked, they had to do CS. Only for them to discover the baby's heart was weak (another ICU trip), she had kidney issues, as she wsnt weeing and 2 weeks after is back in the hospital for lungs infections.

Makes one wonder, if only they had asked for elective CS from the very start.

Food for thoughts, nice one

This is the number of one of the passport officials, Madam Uche- 07552315986 in the UK.

As advised, the less story the better for you. What you shd be finding out is where they are (as they kept moving in Cardiff), opening times etc. You need a £20 postal order as well.

Sup OP, you are over complicating matters.

Nigeria embassy no hard like that, rather than say your passport is missing which would start another long story, go up to any of their passport issuing centres with the same application and say you forgot your passport at home, they wld do a Nigeria authentication interview (asking u questions in a native language etc).

My family just did the new e-passport in Cardiff, there I saw a guy that had been to Birmingham-Manchester-cardiff all on the same day. He didn't have his passport but all they did was ask him questions like " onirin melo nii ee" etc. I sensed the guy naa overstayer orcspme sort of runs person, 'coz why chase them arnd.

Also u can form any passport number 4 the police report as our Nigerian system is so porous and there is so way to either correlate old n new passports or dispute the existence of lost ones. Though with the new e-passport. Trail will should exist ( we hope), butbu can play arnd with anything prior.

The passport issuing team r in major cities, I think they r done with Cardiff, but I bob they r still in birminghm, Manchester and somewhere in Scotland. The Info is on their website

Didnt know this thread was still live.

Je Soul - Holla back at you. I did want to mail you, but I didnt want to jump my guns, so asked Mafe to check if it was okay with you first, now that i know,

Thanks for all the behind the scene moves and help, Mafe carried has me along all this while.

Mafe - Apologies for I havent been the good big sister this year, I have been so caught up with the Life and its baggages, but i bet Je Soul is doing a great job there, so I got no need to worry.

Hoping to come to the US this year,though MA is not in my path, It would be nice to stop over and meet up with some great people I now regard as family.

As it's my first post of the year, I WISH EVERYONE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR!

In response to the post, I am a Christian married to a Muslim with both of us keeping our individual faith.

It's a very dicey issue and I believe circumstances and the individuals involved play key parts for it to happen and for the marriage to succeed (if it does happen).

For one, both individuals would need to be laid back in their religious approach, ie not fanatics.  Also the love/interest needs to real and worth the fight. Of essence is  very strong personalities to withstand pressure from family etc.

Circumstances as mentioned earlier is key, i met my husband in the UK and we live in the UK, would i have done same if i was in Nigeria? No. Been away from all and sundries does help.

Was there objections to the actual union? No, rather ppl expressed their reservations to the success and how the marriage would work. the actual wedding was going to be an issue, but growing up, i had always dreamt of a garden/open air wedding (like the movies) also, i believe salvation is individual, so it made absolutely no sense for either of us to make vows to a God we ddnt believe in, so we got the registrar to officiate the wedding at our venue, we got to exchange our vows and the reception followed and yes we got to have our bridal train, wear the wedding dress etc.

Has it been a walk in the park? No - We have 2 kids now, oldest just short of 2 and a half years. I would have loved to expose the kids to both religions and they make their choice when they grow up, but my husband thinks otherwise. (which i blv its more of a matter of ego, than anything else). So i go to church without the kids. We pray together to God as a couple.

Hey Jesoul, sure, i am aware of all your leg work, more grease.

I understand how dauting it can be soliciting help for a 3rd party, but things would surely fall into place for certain.

zubeyr:
Mafe your story I think is genuine I will be glad to offer you a Job in N Y City if you are interested Good luck

Zubeyr - Any lights on the job offer? Please don't take his lack of ethusiasm as a NO, but rather as youthful exuberance or more like ignorance of the world ahead, where many are jostling for the few positions, therefore all opportunities most be followed up till it runs cold. I would be thrilled if you are still wiling to help and maybe a bit of icing on the cake by throwing in accommodation as well.

MAfe - i suggest you get Zubeyr contact details and follow up extensively offline. Despite your willingness for volunteer work, you would need a paid job to keep body and soul together.

ALL - Any NLers in the Washington, Maryland, Baltimore, Virginia area willing to offer any form of help; pick up a brother from Dulles airport on 2nd December, accommodation for a couple of days, weeks or even share board or any form of help that we all know a JJC to town will need, having it in mind that God sees and knows all. He will bless you richly for your help and inconvenience(s), knowing your inner most needs and ensuring that these are met.

I bet some ppl might ask whc one is mine own? But as i have helped in d lil' way i could, i have taken MAFE's case as my cross to bear or say pet project, LOL. But really i strive to ensure anything I am involved in turns out a success.

In all, i bet everyone wishes for a happy sojourn when we can all look back and be proud of the community help. May i say a big thank you to Jesoul,  Busybody, d anonymous donor, contributors, silent readers and all!

(PS, everyone should bear with me if my post is filled with typos, as d screen keeps flicking, makes proof reading a hugh task, moreover, i have got my "baby" head on today, so not communication in adult language)

Me thinks Mafe is on the right track with the couch surfers and also the work/free boarding plan. Better still, it is his field and future career path, so the experience would not be lost. Moreover such lil' & humble beginnings helps mould one for the future. I remember when i landed the UK more than 5 years ago with only £250 and no confirmed roof over my head and half of my fees debt still outstanding.

The credit card/store card thing might be a good idea, but not a real good start to build up debts without a real means of paying back, but sometimes man most survive.

Mafe has been in touch and hopefully we should conclude and purchase the ticket today.

What impressed me most with him, is the amount of homework he's done. Many ppl, youths and even adults ssef don't have a clue or worthy business case or plan for their lives. It really sucks, when i get requests such as " help me find a school" etc. I'm like doh have you heard of the internet? It's not just for facebook.

Also, many suffer in silence. I for one believe i dont know where or how  my next miracle lies, or need would be met, but i am always certain God has released it, thus i use  all quarters and opportunities. He has a need and "shouted", tabling his case to all and sundry on NLand God knows where else. Maybe i see a bit of me in him, who knows?

Believe me, it pinches, but even my husband who thinks I'm sometimes too spontaneous has my back on this one!

At his "legal service" offer - Pity I am not in the US, and he isn't a female, could have done with some childminding services, LOL

Je'Soul - What are you trying to organise for him? Accomodation? Could be a real blessing if he has such soft landing, but otherwise MAn will always survive one way or the other.

youmust.behaving@laugh.com

Hey Mafe,

greatest Osuaite. (now UNADITE).

I graduated from the UNAD (2000) and i know where the OROKU comes from. UNADITEs are doing great things and moving things, so i get your drift. Also i feel your plight, as I know and understand when there is a stumbling block form your dreams.

I make you an offer, i will pay for your ticket and give you 1 year to ay back. if you don't tough luck on you. email me, or send your number so i call you. Only thing is I will pay it myself and will only accept flights offered on Opodo.

have ver few posts my email addy is tucked somewhere in between.

I hope with this you are able to fly and achieve your destined potential.

That looks like TBS (tafawa Balewa Square)

Am sure glad you are better girl!

I rarely comment, but i know you fairly well and greatly admire you! You are doing what I yearn to do, but keep pushing off, ie giving your heart, time etc to others.

A thought also occured to me, that your line of work (the orphanage) might be exposing you to ills of the world. I know how frustrated and moved i get at a sad situation (especially child abuse and neglect) or a situation that fails to work (i.e Nigeria).

I believe in additon to compassion (which you have in leaps and bounds) you need to have be a strong but discerning mind, whereby you are able to put empathy to one side and make balanced decision. Also you need to learn to make your job seperate from your personal life/thinking. Dont carry these thoughts to bed.

You are on a great path to full discovery, as the 1st step is identifing and accepting there is a problem.

You know yourself best and know what solutions will work best for you; ideas are: work less, take a holiday without any baggage that will remind you of your issues or problems, could be your phone, could be to make yourself unavailable to anything or anybody that could add to your worry.  Some time away helps greatly in getting a different perspective to things, you kinda look at it from someone elses angle!

We all are human, while you are saving the world, you have your own issues too, so maybe you should share these more, Like you did on NL (though you didnt delve into much details)and also never put your problems aside in order to resolve someone else's.

A good pamper will do too, albeit momentous - A good meal/outing, doing something fun or new, shopping, treat yourself to that bag, shoe, gold whatever tickles your fancy.

I was down similar roads very recently, but i nipped it in the bud, did some of the suggestions above and i know i aint treading those roads again, as I have successfullly identified what got me there in the first instance and i have save guarded myself so these dont happen again.


Another key one is sometimes we try to fill the vacuum in our hearts with what we think we need, but yet feel so empty, but until we start to fill it with God, who inturn fills our life with the neccessary things! thank God you found him again!!!

Much love, remember, I for one love you, a lot of ppl on NL do and most of all God does.

Just stumbled on the thread and though i should add my 2 cents and also revive the thread!

The theme is an issue I am very passionate about has recently been on my mind. I have been a victim of child abuse, so has my sister, and it has just started to make sense how deeds of the past affect our future, we talking 27 years here.

But back to the topic, the hymen been intact, does not displace the possibility of some form of abuse taking place. Your daugther may have been f*i*n*g*e*r*e*d.

on the flip, mucus secretion is not unusual from a girl child, especially one that is been breast fed. I have a 4 month old baby girl, who still breast feeds and occasionally secretates "mucus" like things. This is a result of the hormones I pass to hr through the breastmilk. You could have a bit of search on the internet to see if this your cicumstances apply, whether or not you are still breastfeeding her. Also, learn to love the internet as there so much information and experience shared on there, that you would be sure to find similar stories. From there you can start to draw a line whether your child has been trully abused or its over sceptism on your part, which you are allowed.

My only advice to you is that until you are 100% sure within yourself that there is no foul play, please do not leave your daugther alone with any suspect until proven innocent.

With the case of your husband, he sure needs therapy. Tough you are in nigeria and such services are not readily available, but i do remember reading somewhr that "consultancy fee is the price you pay for someone to give you the same advice your secretary has given you for free". Where am I getting? You can talk to him and help him through this! Back to why I am so passionate about this topic,

I am past gone the notion that child abuse does not take place in nigeria, as I have been a victim several and repeated times, here i mean by different ppl with some doing it repeatedly!!!

But the notion that has recently changed in me is that we (nigerians) are not mentally affected by it, ie we get on with life without leaving a psychological scar unlike in the westerner world. AS i said i have onl recently had a change of mind of this notion, discovering that we are just as scarred only we may translate this a lil differently from the western world.

I'd give an example of my sister, my mum died some 27years ago, we were pretty young, i was 5 then, my sister 12. Shortly after, my sister got impregnated by the houseboy! very gory and "shameful" sistuation as per nigerian context. I have never spoken about this with my sister nor heard it been discussed in the family since then. What happened to the baby/pregnancy i do not know! but the point is my sister is not married and lived a very troublesome life. Everyone including myself have always heaped the blame at her doorsteps for been the author of her fate, we never for one tried to tie the past with the future!

Your husband might have been a victim of child abuse himself. He may not see himself as a victim, coz in 9ja you hear ppl proudly teling u at 3yrs (etc) the were already using their housegirls. what happens thus is that such ppl, see nothing wrong with it. Their thinking is "afterall it happened to me and i dddnt turn out bad, thus its ok). I beleive been caught is the best thing to have happened to him, as thats is is first step to recovery (provided he wants to) and you and him can walk hand in hand to overcome this demon!

You need to help him, by not casterating him with blame, but rather watching him, listening to him, encouraging etc. You both have to agree to a recovery path, how does he get into this temptation, what leads to it and how can you stop it. Regular sex? Been more adventurous?? Role play Girl you both need to give what it takes to resolve this.

I really do wish you could put a close to the chid abuse matter, ie did it happen or not! you can get a confession outta him, I'm sure you know how to handle him. I'm not for you to leave him coz of the abuse, but rather to ensure it does not happen again. He needs to understand and appreciate thet fact that he cant not be alone with the child until you are 100% sure in your mind that it would not/can not/ or did not happen. This is a grace he can not ask for, but rather you give as at whrn and if you feel he deserves it.

I am not an advocate of marriage of by force or hook or crook, but i feel you when you say it not the right time! I may eventually leave my husband, i hae told him several times. I love him most times but when i hate him i hate him. He knows i am only bading my time. I'm in a society whereby when it does happen no one is gonna look at me somehow, but am the same time, i need to ensure that i am rightly set up and the future is secured, so my girl, while you toil, put ore aside, you are planning an escape route for yourself and daugther if all doesnt work out at the end.

Atleast you will know you tried your best! My heart is with you and i wish you the very besT!

Just stumbled on the thread and though i should add my 2 cents and also revive the thread!

The theme is an issue I am very passionate about has recently been on my mind. I have been a victim of child abuse, so has my sister, and it has just started to make sense how deeds of the past affect our future, we talking 27 years here.

But back to the topic, the hymen been intact, does not displace the possibility of some form of abuse taking place. Your daugther may have been fingered.

on the flip, mucus secretion is not unusual from a girl child, especially one that is been breast fed. I have a 4 month old baby girl, who still breast feeds and occasionally secretates "mucus" like things. This is a result of the hormones I pass to hr through the breastmilk. You could have a bit of search on the internet to see if this your cicumstances apply, whether or not you are still breastfeeding her. Also, learn to love the internet as there so much information and experience shared on there, that you would be sure to find similar stories. From there you can start to draw a line whether your child has been trully abused or its over sceptism on your part, which you are allowed.

My only advice to you is that until you are 100% sure within yourself that there is no foul play, please do not leave your daugther alone with any suspect until proven innocent.

With the case of your husband, he sure needs therapy. Tough you are in nigeria and such services are not readily available, but i do remember reading somewhr that "consultancy fee is the price you pay for someone to give you the same advice your secretary has given you for free". Where am I getting? You can talk to him and help him through this! Back to why I am so passionate about this topic,

I am past gone the notion that child abuse does not take place in nigeria, as I have been a victim several and repeated times, here i mean by different ppl with some doing it repeatedly!!!

But the notion that has recently changed in me is that we (nigerians) are not mentally affected by it, ie we get on with life without leaving a psychological scar unlike in the westerner world. AS i said i have onl recently had a change of mind of this notion, discovering that we are just as scarred only we may translate this a lil differently from the western world.

I'd give an example of my sister, my mum died some 27years ago, we were pretty young, i was 5 then, my sister 12. Shortly after, my sister got impregnated by the houseboy! very gory and "shameful" sistuation as per nigerian context. I have never spoken about this with my sister nor heard it been discussed in the family since then. What happened to the baby/pregnancy i do not know! but the point is my sister is not married and lived a very troublesome life. Everyone including myself have always heaped the blame at her doorsteps for been the author of her fate, we never for one tried to tie the past with the future!

Your husband might have been a victim of child abuse himself. He may not see himself as a victim, coz in 9ja you hear ppl proudly teling u at 3yrs (etc) the were already using their housegirls. what happens thus is that such ppl, see nothing wrong with it. Their thinking is "afterall it happened to me and i dddnt turn out bad, thus its ok). I beleive been caught is the best thing to have happened to him, as thats is is first step to recovery (provided he wants to) and you and him can walk hand in hand to overcome this demon!

You need to help him, by not casterating him with blame, but rather watching him, listening to him, encouraging etc. You both have to agree to a recovery path, how does he get into this temptation, what leads to it and how can you stop it. Regular sex? Been more adventurous?? Role play Girl you both need to give what it takes to resolve this.

I really do wish you could put a close to the chid abuse matter, ie did it happen or not! you can get a confession outta him, I'm sure you know how to handle him. I'm not for you to leave him coz of the abuse, but rather to ensure it does not happen again. He needs to understand and appreciate thet fact that he cant not be alone with the child until you are 100% sure in your mind that it would not/can not/ or did not happen. This is a grace he can not ask for, but rather you give as at whrn and if you feel he deserves it.

I am not an advocate of marriage of by force or hook or crook, but i feel you when you say it not the right time! I may eventually leave my husband, i hae told him several times. I love him most times but when i hate him i hate him. He knows i am only bading my time. I'm in a society whereby when it does happen no one is gonna look at me somehow, but am the same time, i need to ensure that i am rightly set up and the future is secured, so my girl, while you toil, put ore aside, you are planning an escape route for yourself and daugther if all doesnt work out at the end.

Atleast you will know you tried your best! My heart is with you and i wish you the very besT!

@ poster

I so feel you. I am very much in your shoes, a tigher fit i would say!


I just had my 2nd baby, who's 4 months now. My first is still a baby himself, been exactly 2 years, so you can imagine how full my hands are.

To top it up I work contracts, so dont have the luxury of maternity pay/ leave. When you are out you are out.

I had planned to take 3 months out as maternity and start searching for a job locally. Give myself 3 months to search, if no luck spurn my rod further away from home. Out of the blues, when my baby was just about 8 weeks,my last role came up & i got a call from my manager if i was interested. Kinda felt that was lucky me, as it was a local job, "the devil you know been better than the next you dont" and to top it up, negotiated a 25% increase in my daily rate!

So i took on the role and started 10 weeks post natal. My arguments in addition to the above was, in this tight periods of job cuts and expenses cut, there might be limited jobs around and there was no gaurantee that i would get a job locally. also Also, this was an opportunity tha happened for a reason; the gu the employed didnt like the role, they in return dont like him and i felt it was all the Lord's doing and he only just warmed my seat while i went to deliver

Now to answer you question, can mothers have it all, No, atleast not initially, but with time, they can have it all and more. It's all about finding a balance that works for you and letting a lot of stuffs give until you can handle them properly. This is a lesson i have learnt bitterly and very recently.

it looked good on paper, good job, right career direction, Plenty money (i most confess) and my sister is around from Nigeria for 4 months, so baby in good hands and the toddler at nursery 3 times a week to help develop his social skills and so my sister isnt burnt out. A very hands on husband, albeit in his time and at his pace!

But men was i stressed or what!!! For the 1st time in history i understood and believed something trully existed called stress, depression, anxiety etc. Normally i dont give these any face and believe they were imaginary things in the heads of claimed suffers. I nearly had a nervous break down, i was so stressed out! Trying to balance work, with family life, with extra projects here n there and to top it up request from pips wh still think you are the super woman of years gone past! Also myself taking on more than i could handle.

It took me breaking down two weeks ago during my sons birthday to realise

1.) I am not who i used be 5 years ago
2.) I am not Jesus, i cant save the world, i need to save myself first
3.) I had to learn to love and say the word NO
4.) I am my first and most important priority; I had to preserve myself for the sake of the kids.
5.) My kids are the most important in terms of feeding, wellbeing and overall well fare
6.) My husband can take care of himself and still do his bits!
7.) we need to have a stuctures routine in place; bed time, feed time, methods etc
8.) a little pamper goes a long way; holiday (booked), time away from the kids (movies, etc)
9.) Despite the fact that i want to look like a yummy mummy etc there is a time and place for everything. Make up, hair etc takes the back seat for now. Got my hair in dreadlocks, i only need to do a 1 hour tidy up monthly. not even a brush in the morning, saves loads of time u cant imagine.
10.) Cook only at the weekends, the micro wave is everyones best friend